The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown | TED

Translator: Lea Peternel Reviewer: Lenka Tušar

Torej, začela bom s tem:

So, I'll start with this: a couple years ago, an event planner called me

pred nekaj leti me je poklicala načrtovalka dogodkov,

ker naj bi imela predavanje.

because I was going to do a speaking event.

Poklicala me je in mi rekla:

And she called, and she said,

"Zares se mučim s tem,

"I'm really struggling with how to write about you on the little flyer."

kaj naj napišem o tebi na mali letak."

And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?"

In pomislila sem: "Torej, s čim se muči?"

Rekla je: "Torej, slišala sem te predavati

And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,

in mislim, da te bom poimenovala raziskovalka.

and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think,

but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come,

Toda bojim se, da če te poimenujem raziskovalka, nihče ne bo prišel,

ker bodo vsi mislili, da si dolgočasna in irelevantna."

because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant."

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

In jaz: "V redu."

And I was like, "Okay."

And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk

In ona: "Toda, kar mi je bilo pri tvojem predavanju všeč

je to, da pripoveduješ zgodbo.

is you're a storyteller.

So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller."

Zato menim, da te bom poimenovala kar pripovedovalka zgodb."

And of course, the academic, insecure part of me

In seveda, oglasil se je akademski, negotov del mene:

was like, "You're going to call me a what?"

"Kako me boš imenovala?"

In rekla je: "Imenovala te bom priovedovalka zgodb."

And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller."

And I was like, "Why not 'magic pixie'?"

In jaz: "Zakaj pa ne čarobna škratovka?"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I was like, "Let me think about this for a second."

In potem: "Naj za trenutek razmislim o tem."

Poskusila sem iz globin priklicati svoj pogum.

I tried to call deep on my courage.

And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller.

In pomislila sem, veš kaj, sem pripovedovalka zgodb.

I'm a qualitative researcher.

Sem kvalitativna raziskovalka.

I collect stories; that's what I do.

Zbiram zgodbe, to počnem.

And maybe stories are just data with a soul.

In mogoče so zgodbe samo podatki z dušo.

And maybe I'm just a storyteller.

In mogoče sem samo pripovedovalka zgodb.

And so I said, "You know what?

In rekla sem: "Veš kaj.

Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller."

Zakaj me ne poimenuješ kar raziskovalka - pripovedovalka zgodb."

And she went, "Ha ha. There's no such thing."

In ona: "Haha. To ne obstaja."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

So I'm a researcher-storyteller, and I'm going to talk to you today --

Torej sem raziskovalka - pripovedovalka zgodb.

in danes bom govorila vam --

we're talking about expanding perception --

govorimo o širitvi dojemanja --

and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories

in želim vam govoriti in povedati nekaj zgodb

o delu mojega raziskovanja,

about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception

ki je temeljito razširilo moje dojemanje

and really actually changed the way that I live and love

in resnično spremenilo način kako živim in ljubim

and work and parent.

in delam in vzgajam.

And this is where my story starts.

In tu se začne moja zgodba.

When I was a young researcher, doctoral student,

Ko sem bila mlada raziskovalka, študentka na doktorskem študiju,

my first year, I had a research professor who said to us,

sem imela v prvem letu profesorja,

ki nam je dejal:

"Here's the thing, if you cannot measure it, it does not exist."

"Takole je,

če ne moreš izmeriti, ne obstaja."

Mislila sem, da me želi samo očarati.

And I thought he was just sweet-talking me.

In sem vprašala:"Zares?" In odgovoril je:"Absolutno."

I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely."

And so you have to understand

In morate razumeti,

da imam diplomo iz socialnega dela, magisterij iz socialnega dela,

that I have a bachelor's and a master's in social work,

in delala sem doktorat iz socialnega dela.

and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work, so my entire academic career

Torej, moja celotna akademska kariera

je bila obkrožena z ljudmi,

was surrounded by people who kind of believed in the "life's messy, love it."

ki so na nek način verjeli v

"življenje je neurejeno, ljubi ga."

And I'm more of the, "life's messy, clean it up, organize it

In jaz sem bolj za: "življenje je neurejeno,

očisti ga, organiziraj ga

and put it into a bento box."

in ga spravi v škatlo."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

In misliti, da sem našla svojo pot,

And so to think that I had found my way, to found a career that takes me --

našla kariero, ki me vodi --

really, one of the big sayings in social work is,

resnično, eden velikih rekov v socialnem delu

"Lean into the discomfort of the work."

je: "Sprejmi nelagodje dela."

And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head

Jaz pa sem bolj, nelagodje udarim po glavi,

and move it over and get all A's.

ga prestavim in dobim same 10-tke.

That was my mantra.

To je bila moja mantra.

So I was very excited about this.

Bila sem zelo navdušena nad tem.

And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me,

In mislila sem si, veš kaj, to je kariera zame,

because I am interested in some messy topics.

saj me zanimajo nekatere neurejene teme.

But I want to be able to make them not messy.

Toda hočem jih napraviti urejene.

Hočem jih razumeti.

I want to understand them.

I want to hack into these things that I know are important

Hočem se poglobiti v stvari,

za katere vem, da so pomembne

and lay the code out for everyone to see.

in vsem predstaviti rešitev.

So where I started was with connection.

In začela sem s povezanostjo.

Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years,

Ko si socialni delavec več kot 10 let,

spoznaš,

what you realize is that connection is why we're here.

da je povezanost tisto zaradi česar smo tu.

It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.

To je tisto, kar daje namen in smisel našim življenjem.

To je bistvo vsega.

This is what it's all about.

It doesn't matter whether you talk to people

Ni pomembno ali se pogovarjaš z ljudmi,

ki delajo v socialnem sodstvu in v duševnem zdravju in na zlorabah in zanemarjanju,

who work in social justice, mental health and abuse and neglect,

vsi vemo, da je povezanost,

what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is --

sposobnost, da se čutimo povezani --

neurobiološko smo tako ustvarjeni --

neurobiologically that's how we're wired --

it's why we're here.

zato smo tukaj.

So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection.

Pomislila sem torej, veš kaj, začela bom s povezanostjo.

Saj poznate situacijo,

Well, you know that situation

where you get an evaluation from your boss,

ko vas šef oceni

and she tells you 37 things that you do really awesome,

in vam pove 37 stvari, ki jih počnete res super

and one "opportunity for growth?"

in eno stvar -- "možnost za rast?"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

In razmišljate lahko samo o tisti možnosti za rast, ali ne?

And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right?

Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well,

Torej, očitno je po tej poti šlo tudi moje delo,

because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak.

saj ko ljudi vprašaš o ljubezni,

ti pripovedujejo o srčnih bolečinah,

When you ask people about belonging,

ko ljudi vprašaš o pripadanju,

ti pripovedujejo o svojih najbolj bolečih izkušnjah

they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded.

izključenosti.

And when you ask people about connection,

In ko vprašaš ljudi o povezanosti,

the stories they told me were about disconnection.

so mi pripovedovali zgodbe o nepovezanosti.

In zelo hitro -- kakšne šest tednov od začetka raziskave --

So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research --

sem odkrila to neimenovano stvar,

I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection

ki je popolnoma razvozlala povezanost,

na način, ki ga nisem razumela oziroma ga nisem nikoli videla.

in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.

Zato sem se umaknila iz raziskave

And so I pulled back out of the research

in pomislila, to moram razvozlati.

and thought, I need to figure out what this is.

And it turned out to be shame.

Izkazalo se je, da je to sram.

In sram je lahko razumeti

And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection:

kot strah pred nepovezanostjo:

Ali je pri meni kaj takšnega

Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it,

da, če bi drugi ljudje to vedeli, ali videli,

that I won't be worthy of connection?

ne bi bil vreden povezanosti.

O njem vam lahko povem, da je:

The things I can tell you about it:

univerzalen, vsi ga imamo.

It's universal; we all have it.

The only people who don't experience shame

Sramu ne doživljajo samo ljudje, ki

nimajo sposobnosti človeške empatije ali povezanosti.

have no capacity for human empathy or connection.

Nihče ne želi govoriti o njem

No one wants to talk about it,

and the less you talk about it, the more you have it.

in manj kot govorimo o njem, več ga imamo.

What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough," --

Kaj podkrepi ta sram,

tisto "Nisem dovolj dober," --

občutek, ki ga vsi poznamo:

which, we all know that feeling:

"I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough,

"Nisem dovolj suh,

rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough."

dovolj bogat, dovolj lep, dovolj pameten,

dovolj promoviran."

The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability.

Stvar, ki to pokrepi

je boleča ranljivost,

This idea of, in order for connection to happen,

ta ideja o tem,

da moramo za povezanost

we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.

dovoliti sebi, da smo videni,

resnično videni.

In, saj veste kaj si mislim o ranljivosti. Sovražim ranljivost.

And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.

In tako sem pomislila, to je moja priložnost,

And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick.

da jo udarim nazaj s svojo merilno palico.

I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out,

Vstopila bom, ugotovila kaj to je,

I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame,

porabila bom leto dni in popolnoma razstavila sram,

I'm going to understand how vulnerability works,

razumela bom kako ranljivost deluje

in jo bom prelisičila.

and I'm going to outsmart it.

So I was ready, and I was really excited.

Torej, bila sem pripravljena in resnično vznemirjena.

Ampak, kot veste, to se ne bo končalo dobro.

As you know, it's not going to turn out well.

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

You know this.

Saj to veste.

So, I could tell you a lot about shame,

Torej, o sramu bi vam lahko veliko povedala,

but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time.

toda morala bi si sposoditi čas vse ostalih.

But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to --

Toda, lahko vam povem za kaj pravzaprav gre --

and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned

in to je verjetno ena najpomembnejših stvari, ki sem se jo naučila

in the decade of doing this research.

v desetletju, ko sem to raziskovala.

Moje eno leto

My one year turned into six years:

se je spremenilo v šest let:

tisoče zgodb,

Thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups.

stotine dolgih intervjujev, fokusnih skupin.

At one point, people were sending me journal pages

V nekem trenutku so mi ljudje pošiljali strani dnevnikov,

in svoje zgodbe --

and sending me their stories --

thousands of pieces of data in six years.

tisoče podatkov v šestih letih.

In nekako sem jih razumela.

And I kind of got a handle on it.

I kind of understood, this is what shame is, this is how it works.

Nekako sem razumela, to je sram,

tako deluje.

Napisala sem knjigo,

I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay --

objavila teorijo,

toda nekaj ni bilo v redu --

and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed

in bilo je to,

če sem vzela ljudi, ki sem jih intervjuvala

and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness --

in jih razdelila na tiste,

ki v resnici imajo občutek vrednosti,

tukaj se namreč konča,

that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness --

pri občutku vrednosti --

they have a strong sense of love and belonging --

imajo močan občutek ljubezni in pripadnosti --

and folks who struggle for it,

in ljudi, ki se bojujejo za ta občutek,

and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.

in ljudi, ki se vedno sprašujejo ali so dovolj dobri.

Obstajala je samo ena spremenljivka,

There was only one variable that separated

ki je ločevala ljudi, ki imajo

the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging

močan občutek ljubezni in pripadnosti

and the people who really struggle for it.

in ljudi, ki se resnično bojujejo zanj.

And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging

In sicer so ljudje, ki imajo

močan občutek ljubezni in pripadnosti

believe they're worthy of love and belonging.

verjeli, da so vredni ljubezni in pripadnosti.

That's it.

To je to.

They believe they're worthy.

Verjamejo, da so vredni.

And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection

In zame najtežji del

tistega, kar nas drži stran od povezanosti

is our fear that we're not worthy of connection,

je naš strah, da nismo vredni povezanosti,

was something that, personally and professionally,

je bilo nekaj, za kar sem čutila, da moram tako osebno kot profesionalno

bolje razumeti.

I felt like I needed to understand better.

So what I did is I took all of the interviews

In kaj sem naredila,

vzela sem vse intervjuje,

where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way,

kjer sem videla vrednost, kjer sem videla, da ljudje živijo na tak način,

and just looked at those.

in pregledala samo te intervjuje.

What do these people have in common?

Kaj imajo ti ljudje skupnega?

I have a slight office supply addiction, but that's another talk.

Imam majhno odvisnost od pisarniškega materiala,

toda to je že drugo predavanje.

So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie,

Imela sem torej mapo in flomaster

and I was like, what am I going to call this research?

in razmišljala sem kako naj poimenujem to raziskavo.

In prva beseda, ki mi je prišlo na misel

And the first words that came to my mind were "whole-hearted."

je bila iskreni.

These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness.

To so iskreni ljudje, ki živijo iz tega globokega občutka vrednosti.

Zapisala sem to na mapo

So I wrote at the top of the manila folder,

in začela pregledovati podatke.

and I started looking at the data.

V resnici sem to naredila

In fact, I did it first in a four-day, very intensive data analysis,

v štirih dneh

zelo intenzivne podatkovne analize,

where I went back, pulled the interviews, the stories, pulled the incidents.

v katerih sem se vrnila nazaj in pregledala intervjuje, zgodbe, incidente.

What's the theme? What's the pattern?

Kaj je tema? Kakšen je vzorec?

My husband left town with the kids

Moj mož je z otroci odšel iz mesta,

because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing,

saj vedno počnem noro stvar Jackson-a Pollack-a,

where I'm just writing and in my researcher mode.

ko samo pišem

v svojem raziskovalnem stanju.

And so here's what I found.

In odkrila sem to.

Kar so imeli skupnega

What they had in common was a sense of courage.

je bil pogum.

And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute.

In za trenutek želim ločiti med pogumom in hrabrostjo.

Courage, the original definition of courage,

Pogum, originalna definicija poguma (courage),

ko je beseda prvič prišla v angleški jezik --

when it first came into the English language --

je iz latinske besede cor, ki pomeni srce --

it's from the Latin word "cor," meaning "heart" --

and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are

in originalna definicija

naj bi povedalo zgodbo, kdo si s svojim celim srcem.

with your whole heart.

In tako so ti ljudje,

And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect.

zelo enostavno, imeli pogum

biti nepopolni.

They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others,

Imeli so sočutje,

da so bili prijazni najprej do sebe in potem še do drugih,

because, as it turns out,

saj, kot se je izkazalo, ne moremo biti sočutni z drugimi,

we can't practice compassion with other people

če nismo prijazni do sebe.

if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part --

In nazadnje, imeli so povezanost,

in -- to je težji del --

as a result of authenticity,

kot rezultat avtentičnosti,

they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be

so bili pripravljeni spustiti tisto, kar so mislili, da morajo biti,

in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that

zato, da so bili tisto kar so.

In to moraš absolutno narediti

for connection.

za povezanost.

The other thing that they had in common was this:

Druga skupna stvar

pa je bila ta:

They fully embraced vulnerability.

popolnoma so sprejeli ranljivost.

They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful.

Verjeli so,

da jih tisto, kar jih naredi ranljive,

naredi čudovite.

Niso rekli, da je ranljivost

They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable,

prijetna,

nor did they really talk about it being excruciating --

niti niso rekli, da je boleča --

as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing.

kot sem slišala v prejšnjih intervjujih o sramu.

Povedali so samo, da je nujna.

They just talked about it being necessary.

They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first ...

Govorili so o pripravljenosti,

da prvi rečejo: "Ljubim te.",

pripravljenosti,

the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees ...

da nekaj naredijo,

čeprav ni nobenih zagotovil,

the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call

pripravljenosti

predihati se skozi čakanje na zdravnikov klic

after your mammogram.

po opravljeni mamografski preiskavi.

They're willing to invest in a relationship

Pripravljeni so vlagati v odnos,

that may or may not work out.

ki se mogoče bo, ali pa ne bo izšel.

They thought this was fundamental.

Menili so, da je to osnova.

I personally thought it was betrayal.

Jaz osebno sem mislila, da je to izdaja.

I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job --

Nisem mogla verjeti, da sem prisegla zvestobo

raziskovanju, kjer je naše delo --

you know, the definition of research is to control and predict,

saj veste, definicija raziskovanja

je nadzorovati in predvidevati, raziskovati,

to study phenomena for the explicit reason to control and predict.

z jasnim namenom

nadzorovati in predvidevati.

And now my mission to control and predict

In zdaj je moja misija

nadzorovati in predvidevati

had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability

ugotovila, da je potrebno živeti z ranljivostjo

in prenehati nadzorovati in predvidevati.

and to stop controlling and predicting.

This led to a little breakdown --

To je pripeljalo do majhnega živčnega zloma --

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

-- which actually looked more like this.

-- ki je v bistvu izgledal bolj takole.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And it did.

In je res.

I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening.

Jaz ga imenujem živčni zlom; moja terapevtka to imenuje duhovno prebujenje.

(Laughter)

A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown,

Duhovno prebujenje zveni bolje kot živčni zlom,

toda zagotavljam vam, da je bil živčni zlom

but I assure you, it was a breakdown.

In morala sem odložiti svoje podatke in najti terapevta.

And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist.

Naj vam nekaj povem: kdo ste veste

Let me tell you something: you know who you are

takrat, ko pokličete svoje prijatelje in rečete "Mislim, da potrebujem nekoga.

when you call your friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody.

Imaš kakšen predlog?"

Do you have any recommendations?"

Because about five of my friends were like,

Nekako pet mojih prijateljev je odreagiralo:

"Wooo, I wouldn't want to be your therapist."

"Vau. Ne bi želel biti tvoj terapevt."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I was like, "What does that mean?"

In jaz: "Kaj pa to pomeni?"

And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know.

In oni: "Samo tako pravim, veš.

Don't bring your measuring stick."

Ne prinesi merilne palice."

(Laughter)

In jaz "V redu."

I was like, "Okay."

So I found a therapist.

In sem našla terapevtko.

My first meeting with her, Diana --

Na moje prvo srečanje z njo, Diano --

sem prinesla svoj seznam

I brought in my list of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down.

kako živijo iskreni ljudje in sedla.

And she said, "How are you?"

In vrašala me je: "Kako si?"

And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay."

In odgovorila sem: "Dobro sem. V redu sem."

She said, "What's going on?"

Vprašala je: "Kaj se dogaja?"

And this is a therapist who sees therapists,

In to je terapevtka, ki dela s terapevti,

because we have to go to those, because their B.S. meters are good.

ker moramo hoditi k njim,

ker so vajeni vsega živega.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And so I said, "Here's the thing, I'm struggling."

In sem dejala:

"Takole je, borim se."

And she said, "What's the struggle?"

In je odvrnila: "S čim se boriš?"

Jaz pa: "Imam težavo z ranljivostjo.

And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue.

And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear

In vem, da je ranljivost bistvo

sramu in strahu

in našega boja za vrednost,

and our struggle for worthiness,

but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity,

izgleda pa, da je tudi zibelka

radosti in kretivnosti

of belonging, of love.

pripadanja, ljubezni.

And I think I have a problem, and I need some help."

In mislim, da imam problem

in potrebujem nekaj pomoči."

In sem dejala: "Pa še nekaj:

And I said, "But here's the thing: no family stuff, no childhood shit."

nič družinskih stvari,

nič sranja iz otroštva."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

"I just need some strategies."

"Potrebujem samo nekaj strategij."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

(Applause)

(Ploskanje)

Hvala.

Thank you.

So she goes like this.

In potem naredi takole.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And then I said, "It's bad, right?"

In rečem: "Je slabo, kajne?"

And she said, "It's neither good nor bad."

In ona reče:"Ni niti dobro niti slabo."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

"It just is what it is."

"Je samo kar je."

And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck."

In jaz sem rekla: "Oh moj Bog, tole bo pa zanič."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And it did, and it didn't.

In je bilo in ni bilo.

And it took about a year.

In trajalo je približno eno leto.

And you know how there are people

In veste, da so ljudje,

that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important,

ki se, takrat ko spoznajo, da sta ranljivost in občutljivost pomembna,

predajo in stopijo vanju.

that they surrender and walk into it.

A: to nisem jaz

A: that's not me,

in B: niti družim se ne s takšnimi ljudmi.

and B: I don't even hang out with people like that.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

For me, it was a yearlong street fight.

Zame je bila to leto dni dolga borba.

It was a slugfest.

Bla je težka borba.

Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.

Ranljivost je pritisnila, jaz sem pritisnila nazaj.

I lost the fight,

Borbo sem izgubila,

but probably won my life back.

toda verjetno sem nazaj pridobila svoje življenje.

And so then I went back into the research

In tako sem se vrnila k raziskavi

and spent the next couple of years

in se naslednji dve leti

really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted,

resnično trudila, da bi razumela, kaj oni, iskreni,

what choices they were making, and what we are doing with vulnerability.

kako se odločajo,

in kaj počnemo

z ranljivostjo.

Why do we struggle with it so much?

Zakaj se tako močno bojujemo z njo?

Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability?

Ali sem sama v boju z ranljivostjo?

Ne.

No.

So this is what I learned.

Torej naučila sem se.

We numb vulnerability --

Ranljivost otopimo --

when we're waiting for the call.

ko čakamo na klic.

It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook

Bilo je zabavno, ko sem na Twitter in Facebook poslala tekst:

"Kako bi opredelili ranljivost?

that says, "How would you define vulnerability?

Zaradi česa se čutite ranljive?"

What makes you feel vulnerable?"

In v uri in pol sem dobila 150 odgovorov.

And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses.

Because I wanted to know what's out there.

Ker sem želela vedeti,

kaj je tam zunaj.

To, da moram moža prositi za pomoč,

Having to ask my husband for help because I'm sick, and we're newly married;

ker sem bolna, in sva se šele pred kratkim poročila;

začeti seks s svojim možem;

initiating sex with my husband;

initiating sex with my wife;

začeti seks s svojo ženo;

da me nekdo odbije; povabiti nekoga na zmenek;

being turned down; asking someone out;

čakanje na zdravnikov klic;

waiting for the doctor to call back;

biti odpuščen; odpuščati zaposlene --

getting laid off; laying off people.

This is the world we live in.

to je svet, v katerem živimo.

We live in a vulnerable world.

Živimo v ranljivem svetu.

And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.

In eden izmed načinov, kako se soočamo z njim

je, da ranljivost otopimo.

And I think there's evidence --

In mislim, da za to obstajajo dokazi --

and it's not the only reason this evidence exists,

in ni edini razlog, da ti dokazi obstajajo,

but I think it's a huge cause --

vendar mislim, da je pomemben razlog --

We are the most in-debt ...

smo najbolj zadolžena,

predebela,

obese ...

addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history.

odvisna in na zdravilih

odrasla kohorta v zgodovini ZDA.

The problem is -- and I learned this from the research --

Težava je -- in do tega sem prišla z raziskavo --

that you cannot selectively numb emotion.

da ne moreš selektivno otopeti čustev.

You can't say, here's the bad stuff.

Ne moreš reči, tole je slabo.

Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame,

Tukaj je ranljivost, tukaj je žalovanje, tukaj je sram,

here's fear, here's disappointment.

tukaj je strah, tukaj je razočaranje.

I don't want to feel these.

Tega nočem čutiti.

I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.

Popil bom dve pivi in pojedel bananin-oreščkov mafin.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Tega nočem čutiti.

I don't want to feel these.

And I know that's knowing laughter.

In vem, da je ta smeh smeh zavedanja.

I hack into your lives for a living.

Saj je moje delo takšno, da preučujemo vaša življenja.

God.

Bog.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

You can't numb those hard feelings

Ne moremo otopeti teh težkih čustev,

without numbing the other affects, our emotions.

ne da bi otopeli druga naša čustva.

Ne moremo selektivno otopeti.

You cannot selectively numb.

So when we numb those,

Torej, ko otopimo tista,

we numb joy,

otopimo veselje,

otopimo hvaležnost,

we numb gratitude,

we numb happiness.

otopimo srečo.

In potem smo nesrečni

And then, we are miserable,

in iščemo namen in smisel

and we are looking for purpose and meaning,

in potem se čutimo ranljive

and then we feel vulnerable,

so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.

in potem popijemo dve pivi in pojemo bananin-oreščkov mafin.

And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

In to postane nevaren krog.

One of the things that I think we need to think about

Ena izmed stvari, o kateri menim da moramo razmišljati

is why and how we numb.

je, zakaj in kako otopimo čustva.

And it doesn't just have to be addiction.

In ni nujno, da je to ravno z odvisnostjo.

Drugo kar počnemo

The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain certain.

je, da vse negotove stvari naredimo gotove.

Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty.

Religija se je razvila od verovanja v vero in skrivnost

do gotovosti.

"I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up."

Jaz imam prav, ti nimaš prav. Utihni.

To je to.

That's it.

Samo gotovost.

Just certain.

Bolj ko nas je strah, bolj ranljivi smo,

The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are,

bolj nas je strah.

the more afraid we are.

Tako danes izgleda politika.

This is what politics looks like today.

Ni več dialoga.

There's no discourse anymore.

There's no conversation.

Ni pogovora.

There's just blame.

Samo še obtoževanje.

You know how blame is described in the research?

Ali veste, kako opišemo obtoževanje v raziskovanju?

A way to discharge pain and discomfort.

Način, da sprostimo bolečino in nelagodje.

Perfekcioniramo.

We perfect.

If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me,

Če je kje kdo, ki bi želel, da njegovo življenje izgleda tako, sem to jaz,

vendar ne deluje.

but it doesn't work.

Because what we do is we take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks.

Ker, jemljemo maščobo iz naših zadnjic

in jo dajemo v naša lica.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Which just, I hope in 100 years, people will look back and go, "Wow."

Upam, da se bodo ljudje čez 100 let

ozrli nazaj na to in rekli: "vau".

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And we perfect, most dangerously, our children.

In perfekcioniramo, kar je najbolj nevarno,

svoje otroke.

Let me tell you what we think about children.

Naj vam povem kako razmišljamo o otrocih.

They're hardwired for struggle when they get here.

Ko pridejo sem so pripravljeni na napor.

And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand,

In ko držimo ta popolna majhna bitja v svoji roki,

our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect.

naša naloga ni, da rečemo: "Poglej jo, popolna je.

Moja naloga je, da jo ohranim popolno --

My job is just to keep her perfect --

poskrbim, da bo do petega razreda članica teniškega tima in do sedmega razreda na Yale-u."

make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh."

To ni naša naloga.

That's not our job.

Our job is to look and say,

Naša naloga je, da pogledamo in rečemo:

"You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle,

"Veš kaj? Nisi popolna in pripravljena si na napore,

but you are worthy of love and belonging."

toda vredna si ljubezni in pripadanja.

To je naše delo.

That's our job.

Pokažite mi generacijo otrok, ki so bili tako vzgojeni

Show me a generation of kids raised like that,

in končali bomo težave, za katere verjamem, da jih danes imamo.

and we'll end the problems, I think, that we see today.

We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people.

Pretvarjamo se, da to kar počnemo

nima vpliva na ljudi.

We do that in our personal lives.

To počnemo v zasebnem živjenju.

We do that corporate --

To počnemo v poslu --

whether it's a bailout, an oil spill ...

pa naj bo to reševanje finančnih težav ali izlitje nafte,

odpoklic --

a recall.

We pretend like what we're doing

pretvarjamo se, da to kar počnemo

doesn't have a huge impact on other people.

nima ogromnega vpliva na druge ljudi.

I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people.

Podjetjem bi rekla, to ni naš prvi rodeo ljudje.

We just need you to be authentic and real and say ...

Želimo samo, da ste autentični in resnični

in rečete: "Žal nam je.

"We're sorry. We'll fix it."

Uredili bomo."

But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this.

Obstaja pa še ena pot, in s tem bom zaključila.

Ugotovila sem tole:

This is what I have found:

To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen ...

da si dovolimo, da smo videni,

globoko videni,

ranljivo videni;

to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee --

da ljubimo z vsem svojim srcem,

čeprav ni zagotovila --

in to je resnično težko,

and that's really hard,

and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult --

in kot starš vam lahko povem, da je nadvse težko --

da vadimo zahvalnost in radost

to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror,

v teh trenutkih groze,

when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much?

ko se sprašujemo: "Ali te lahko ljubim tako močno?

Ali lahko strastno verjamem v to?

Can I believe in this this passionately?

Sem lahko tako silovit v tem?"

Can I be this fierce about this?"

just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen,

Da smo sposobni ustaviti se in namesto, da bi kar se utegne zgoditi videli kot katastrofo,

reči: "Tako zelo sem hvaležen,

to say, "I'm just so grateful,

because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive."

ker to da čutim takšno ranljivost, pomeni da sem živ."

And the last, which I think is probably the most important,

In zadnje, kar menim, da je verjetno najpomebnejše

je, da verjamemo, da smo zadostni.

is to believe that we're enough.

Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ...

Ker, kadar delujemo iz

prepričanja, ki pravi: "Zadosten sem",

then we stop screaming and start listening,

prenehamo kričati in začnemo poslušati,

we're kinder and gentler to the people around us,

prijaznejši smo in nežnejši do ljudi okoli nas

in prijaznejši in nežnejši smo do sebe.

and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.

To je vse kar imam. Hvala.

That's all I have. Thank you.

(Applause)

(Ploskanje)