The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown | TED

Prevoditelj: Tilen Pigac - EFZG Recezent: Romana Perković

Dakle, počet ću sa ovim:

So, I'll start with this: a couple years ago, an event planner called me

prije par godina, organizatorica evenata me nazvala

jer sam morala održati govor na jednom događaju.

because I was going to do a speaking event.

I nazvala je, i rekla,

And she called, and she said,

"Doista se borim kako

"I'm really struggling with how to write about you on the little flyer."

da pišem o vama na mali letak."

And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?"

I pomislila sam, "Dobro, gdje je zapelo?"

I rekla je, "Pa, vidjela sam vas kako pričate,

And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,

i nazvat ću vas istraživačicom, mislim,

and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think,

but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come,

ali bojim se da ako vas nazovem istraživačicom, nitko neće doći,

jer će misliti kako ste dosadni i nevažni."

because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant."

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

U redu.

And I was like, "Okay."

And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk

I rekla je, "Ali ono što mi se sviđalo kod vašeg govora,

je da ste vi pripovjedačica.

is you're a storyteller.

So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller."

Stoga mislim da ću vas nazvati pripovjedačicom."

And of course, the academic, insecure part of me

I naravno, akademski, nesigurni dio mene

was like, "You're going to call me a what?"

je bio, "Nazvat ćete me kako?"

I rekla je, "Nazvat ću vas pripovjedačicom."

And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller."

And I was like, "Why not 'magic pixie'?"

A ja sam bila kao, "Zašto ne magična mala žena?"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I was like, "Let me think about this for a second."

Rekla sam, "Dopustite mi da razmislim o tome na sekundu."

Probala sam se pozvati na svoju hrabrost.

I tried to call deep on my courage.

And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller.

I pomislila sam, ja sam pripovjedačica.

I'm a qualitative researcher.

Ja sam kvalitativna istraživačica.

I collect stories; that's what I do.

Sakupljam priče; to je ono što radim.

And maybe stories are just data with a soul.

A možda su priče samo podaci sa dušom.

And maybe I'm just a storyteller.

I možda sam samo pripovjedačica.

And so I said, "You know what?

I tako sam rekla, "Znate što?

Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller."

Zašto jednostavno ne kažete da sam istraživačica - pripovjedačica."

And she went, "Ha ha. There's no such thing."

A ona je zatim išla, "Haha. Ne postoji takvo nešto."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

So I'm a researcher-storyteller, and I'm going to talk to you today --

Dakle, ja sam istraživačica - pripovjedačica,

i pričat ću vam danas -

we're talking about expanding perception --

pričamo o proširenju percepcije -

and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories

i stoga sam vam željela ispričati nekoliko priča

o dijelu mog istraživanja

about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception

koji je fundamentalno proširio moju percepciju

and really actually changed the way that I live and love

i doista promijenio način na koji živim i volim

and work and parent.

i radim i obnašam ulogu roditelja.

And this is where my story starts.

A ovdje moja priča počinje.

When I was a young researcher, doctoral student,

Kada sam bila mladi istraživač, student doktorskog studija,

my first year, I had a research professor who said to us,

prve godine sam imala profesora istraživača

koji nam je rekao,

"Here's the thing, if you cannot measure it, it does not exist."

"Evo o čemu se radi,

ako ne možete izmjeriti, onda to ne postoji."

I pomislila sam kako je samo slatkorječiv prema meni.

And I thought he was just sweet-talking me.

A ja sam rekla, "Doista?" a on je rekao, "Apsolutno."

I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely."

And so you have to understand

I stoga morate razumijeti

kako sam ja diplomirala iz područja socijalnog rada, magistrirala iz područja socijalnog rada,

that I have a bachelor's and a master's in social work,

i stjecala sam svoj doktorat iz područja socijalnog rada,

and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work, so my entire academic career

i tako sam kroz cijelu svoju akademsku karijeru

bila okružena ljudima

was surrounded by people who kind of believed in the "life's messy, love it."

koji su, na neki način, vjerovali

da je život neuredan, i voli ga.

And I'm more of the, "life's messy, clean it up, organize it

A ja sam više, život je neuredan,

počisti ga, organiziraj ga

and put it into a bento box."

i stavi ga u kutiju za ručak.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I stoga, pomisliti da sam pronašla svoj put,

And so to think that I had found my way, to found a career that takes me --

da sam pronašla karijeru koja me obuzima -

really, one of the big sayings in social work is,

doista, jedna od velikih izreka u socijalnom radu

"Lean into the discomfort of the work."

jest da se osloniš na neugodnost posla.

And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head

A ja sam više za nokautiranje neugodnosti,

and move it over and get all A's.

pomicanje istog i dobivanje svih petica.

That was my mantra.

To je bila moja mantra.

So I was very excited about this.

Stoga sam bila veoma uzbuđena oko toga.

And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me,

I stoga sam pomislila, znate što, ovo je karijera za mene,

because I am interested in some messy topics.

jer me zanimaju neke neuredne teme.

But I want to be able to make them not messy.

Ali želim biti u mogućnosti učiniti ih urednima.

Želim ih razumijeti.

I want to understand them.

I want to hack into these things that I know are important

Želim hakirati te stvari

za koje znam da su važne

and lay the code out for everyone to see.

i iznijeti šifru da je svi vide.

So where I started was with connection.

Stoga sam započela sa vezom.

Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years,

Jer, kada ste socijalni radnik već 10 godina,

ono što shvatite

what you realize is that connection is why we're here.

jest da smo zbog povezanosti ovdje.

It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.

To je ono što daje smisao i značenje našim životima.

To je bit svega.

This is what it's all about.

It doesn't matter whether you talk to people

Nema veze razgovarate li sa ljudima

koji rade u socijalnoj pravdi i mentalnom zdravlju i zlostavljanju u zapostavljanju,

who work in social justice, mental health and abuse and neglect,

ono što znamo je da je povezanost,

what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is --

mogućnost osjećati se povezanim, je -

na neurobiološkoj razini onako kako smo umreženi -

neurobiologically that's how we're wired --

it's why we're here.

to je razlog zašto smo ovdje.

So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection.

Stoga sam pomislila, znate što, počet ću sa vezom.

Znate onu situaciju

Well, you know that situation

where you get an evaluation from your boss,

kada dobijete evaluaciju od svoje šefice,

and she tells you 37 things that you do really awesome,

a ona vam kaže 37 stvari koje radite izvanredno,

and one "opportunity for growth?"

i jednu stvar - priliku za rast?

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I sve o čemu možete razmišljati je ta prilika za rast, točno.

And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right?

Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well,

Takav je očito bio i moj posao,

because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak.

jer kada pitate ljude o ljubavi,

oni vam pričaju o slomljenom srcu.

When you ask people about belonging,

Kada pitate ljude o pripadnosti,

oni vam pričaju o svojim najbolnijim iskustvima

they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded.

isključenja.

And when you ask people about connection,

A kada pitate ljude o povezanosti,

the stories they told me were about disconnection.

priče koje su mi ispričali su bile o izopćenosti.

Dakle, veoma brzo - doista oko šest tjedana nakon početka istraživanja -

So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research --

naletjela sam na tu neimenovanu stvar

I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection

koja je potpuno rasplela povezanost

na način koji nisam razumijela ili vidjela ikad prije.

in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.

I stoga sam se povukla iz istraživanja

And so I pulled back out of the research

i pomislila, moramo dokučiti što je to.

and thought, I need to figure out what this is.

And it turned out to be shame.

I ispostavilo se da je to sram.

A sram je doista lako shvatiti

And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection:

kao strah od izopćenosti.

Ima li nešto o meni

Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it,

što, ako drugi ljudi znaju ili vide to,

that I won't be worthy of connection?

da neću biti dostojna povezanosti.

Stvari o kojima vam mogu pričati:

The things I can tell you about it:

to je univerzalno; svi to imamo.

It's universal; we all have it.

The only people who don't experience shame

Jedini ljudi koji ne doživljavaju sram

su oni koji nemaju sposobnost ljudske empatije ili povezanosti.

have no capacity for human empathy or connection.

Nitko ne želi pričati o tome,

No one wants to talk about it,

and the less you talk about it, the more you have it.

a što manje pričate o tome, više toga imate.

What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough," --

Ono što je poduprlo taj sram,

taj "Nisam dovoljno dobra," -

svi mi dobro znamo taj osjećaj:

which, we all know that feeling:

"I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough,

"Nisam dovoljno bijela. Nisam dovoljno mršava,

rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough."

dovoljno bogata, dovoljno lijepa, dovoljno pametna,

dovoljno promovirana."

The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability.

Ono što je poduprlo to

je bila bolna ranjivost,

This idea of, in order for connection to happen,

ideja o tome da,

za povezanost da se dogodi,

we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.

moramo dozvoliti sebi da budemo viđeni,

doista viđeni.

A znate koje je moje mišljenje o ranjivosti. Mrzim ranjivost.

And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.

I stoga sam pomislila, ovo je moja prilika

And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick.

da je izudaram sa svojim štapom za mjerenje.

I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out,

Odlazim unutra, dokučit ću o čemu se radi,

I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame,

provest ću jednu godinu, potpuno ću dekonstruirati sram,

I'm going to understand how vulnerability works,

shvatiti ću kako ranjivost funkcionira,

i nadmudrit ću je.

and I'm going to outsmart it.

So I was ready, and I was really excited.

Bila sam spremna, i bila sam doista uzbuđena.

Kao što znate, neće ispasti dobro.

As you know, it's not going to turn out well.

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

You know this.

Znate to.

So, I could tell you a lot about shame,

Mogla bih vam reći mnogo toga o sramu,

but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time.

ali onda bih trebala posuditi vrijeme svih ostalih.

But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to --

Ali evo što vam mogu reći na što se svodi -

and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned

a to je možda jedna od najvažnijih stvari koje sam naučila

in the decade of doing this research.

kroz desetljeće provođenja istraživanja.

Moja jedna godina

My one year turned into six years:

se pretvorila u šest godina,

tisuće priča,

Thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups.

stotine dugačkih intervjua, fokus grupa.

At one point, people were sending me journal pages

U jednom trenutku ljudi su mi slali stranice novina

i slali su mi svoje priče -

and sending me their stories --

thousands of pieces of data in six years.

tisuće komada podataka u šest godina.

I počela sam, na neki način, baratati njima.

And I kind of got a handle on it.

I kind of understood, this is what shame is, this is how it works.

Razumijela sam, na neki način, što sram je,

ovako on funkcionira.

Napisala sam knjigu,

I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay --

objavila sam teoriju,

ali nešto nije bilo u redu -

and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed

a ono o čemu se radilo je bilo da,

kad bih otprilike uzela ljude koje sam intervjuirala

and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness --

i podijelila ih u ljude

koji su doista imali osjećaj vrijednosti -

to je ono na što se ovo svodi,

that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness --

osjećaj vrijednosti -

they have a strong sense of love and belonging --

oni imaju osjećaj ljubavi i pripadanja -

and folks who struggle for it,

i ljude koji se bore za to,

and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.

i ljude koji se uvijek pitaju jesu li dovoljno dobri.

Postojala je samo jedna varijabla

There was only one variable that separated

koja je djelila ljude koji imaju

the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging

snažan osjećaj ljubavi i pripadanja

and the people who really struggle for it.

i ljude koji se zaista bore za to.

And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging

A to je, da ljudi koji imaju

snažan osjećaj ljubavi i pripadanja

believe they're worthy of love and belonging.

vjeruju kako su dostojni ljubavi i pripadanja.

That's it.

To je to.

They believe they're worthy.

Oni vjeruju kako su dostojni.

And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection

A po meni, težak dio

te jedne stvari koja nas drži podalje od povezanosti

is our fear that we're not worthy of connection,

je naš strah da nismo dostojni povezanosti,

was something that, personally and professionally,

bilo je nešto što sam, osobno i profesionalno,

osjećala da moramo bolje razumijeti.

I felt like I needed to understand better.

So what I did is I took all of the interviews

Ono što sam učinila

je da sam uzela intervjue

where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way,

gdje sam vidjela vrijednost, gdje sam vidjela ljude koji žive na taj način,

and just looked at those.

i samo sam gledala u njih.

What do these people have in common?

Što ti ljudi imaju zajedničko?

I have a slight office supply addiction, but that's another talk.

Ja imam blagu ovisnost o uredskom priboru,

ali to je druga priča.

So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie,

Imala sam manila mapu, i imala sam Sharpie,

and I was like, what am I going to call this research?

i mislila sam, kako ću nazvati ovo istraživanje?

I prva riječ koja mi je pala na pamet

And the first words that came to my mind were "whole-hearted."

bila je svesrdan.

These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness.

Ovo su svesrdni ljudi, koji žive na dubokom osjećaju vrijednosti.

Napisala sam na vrh manila mape,

So I wrote at the top of the manila folder,

i počela sam promatrati podatke.

and I started looking at the data.

U biti, to sam prvo napravila

In fact, I did it first in a four-day, very intensive data analysis,

u četverodnevnoj

veoma intenzivnoj analizi podataka,

where I went back, pulled the interviews, the stories, pulled the incidents.

gdje sam se vratila unatrag, izvukla te intervjue, izvukla priče, izvukla događaje.

What's the theme? What's the pattern?

Koja je tema? Koji je uzorak?

My husband left town with the kids

Moj muž je otišao s djecom izvan grada

because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing,

jer uvijek odem u tu ludu fazu Jackson Pollock-a,

where I'm just writing and in my researcher mode.

gdje samo pišem

i u svom sam istraživačkom modu.

And so here's what I found.

I evo što sam pronašla.

Ono što su imali zajedničkoga

What they had in common was a sense of courage.

je bio osjećaj hrabrosti.

And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute.

I želim za vas na minutu odvojiti hrabrost od junaštva.

Courage, the original definition of courage,

Hrabrost, izvorna definicija hrabrosti

kada se prvi put pojavila u engleskom jeziku -

when it first came into the English language --

dolazi od latinske riječi cor, što znači srce -

it's from the Latin word "cor," meaning "heart" --

and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are

i originalna definicija

je bila ispričati priču o tome tko ste vi sa punim srcem.

with your whole heart.

I stoga su ti ljudi

And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect.

imali, vrlo jednostavno, hrabrost

da budu nesavršeni.

They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others,

Imali su samilost

da budu najprije ljubazni prema sebi a zatim i prema drugima,

because, as it turns out,

jer, kao što se i ispostavilo, ne možemo prakticirati samilost sa drugim ljudima

we can't practice compassion with other people

ako ne možemo sebe ljubazno tretirati.

if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part --

I posljednje je bilo da su imali povezanost,

i - to je bio težak dio -

as a result of authenticity,

kao rezultat autentičnosti,

they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be

bili su spremni odreći se osobe za koju su mislili da moraju biti

in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that

kako bi bili ono što jesu,

što i morate u potpunosti učiniti

for connection.

za povezanost.

The other thing that they had in common was this:

Druga stvar koja im je bila zajednička

je bila ova.

They fully embraced vulnerability.

Oni su u potpunosti prihvatili ranjivost.

They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful.

Vjerovali su

da ono što ih je činilo ranjivima,

da ih čini lijepima.

Nisu pričali o ranjivosti

They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable,

kao da je ugodna,

nor did they really talk about it being excruciating --

niti su pričali o njoj kao da je bolna -

as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing.

kao što sam ranije čula u intervjuima o sramu.

Pričali su o njoj kao o potrebi.

They just talked about it being necessary.

They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first ...

Pričali su o spremnosti

da kažu "volim te" prvi,

spremnosti

the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees ...

da učine nešto

gdje nema jamstva,

the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call

spremnosti

da dišu čekajući poziv doktora

after your mammogram.

nakon mamograma.

They're willing to invest in a relationship

Spremni su uložiti u vezu

that may or may not work out.

koja bi mogla profunkcionirati ili ne.

They thought this was fundamental.

Mislili su kako je to fundamentalno.

I personally thought it was betrayal.

Osobno sam mislila kako je to izdaja.

I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job --

Ne mogu vjerovati da sam se zavjetovala na vjernost

istraživanju -

you know, the definition of research is to control and predict,

definicija istraživanja

je kontrolirati i predvidjeti, proučiti fenomen,

to study phenomena for the explicit reason to control and predict.

iz izričitog razloga

kontrolirati i predvidjeti.

And now my mission to control and predict

A sada moja misija

kontroliranja i predviđanja

had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability

je polučila odgovor kako treba živjeti sa ranjivosti

i prestati kontrolirati i predviđati.

and to stop controlling and predicting.

This led to a little breakdown --

To je vodilo do malenog sloma -

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

-- which actually looked more like this.

- koji je zapravo izgledao više nalik ovome.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And it did.

I jest.

I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening.

Ja sam to nazvala slomom, moja terapeutkinja naziva to duhovno buđenje.

(Laughter)

A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown,

Duhovno buđenje zvuči bolje nego slom,

ali uvjeravam vas da je to bio slom.

but I assure you, it was a breakdown.

I morala sam maknuti svoje podatke i pronaći terapeuta.

And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist.

Dopustite da vam kažem nešto: znate tko ste

Let me tell you something: you know who you are

kada nazovete svoje prijatelje i kažete, "Mislim da moram nekoga vidjeti.

when you call your friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody.

Imaš li ikakve preporuke?"

Do you have any recommendations?"

Because about five of my friends were like,

Jer pet mojih prijatelja su rekli,

"Wooo, I wouldn't want to be your therapist."

"Wooo. Ne bih htio biti tvoj terapeut."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I was like, "What does that mean?"

A ja sam rekla, "Što to znači?"

And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know.

A oni su rekli, "Samo kažem, znaš.

Don't bring your measuring stick."

Nemoj ponijeti svoj štap za mjerenje."

(Laughter)

Ja sam rekla, "U redu."

I was like, "Okay."

So I found a therapist.

Pronašla sam terapeutkinju.

My first meeting with her, Diana --

Moj prvi sastanak sa njom, Diana -

ponijela sam svoj popis

I brought in my list of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down.

načina na koji svesrdni žive, i sjela sam.

And she said, "How are you?"

A ona je rekla, "Kako ste?"

And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay."

Ja sam rekla, "Odlično sam. U redu sam."

She said, "What's going on?"

Rekla je, "Što se događa?"

And this is a therapist who sees therapists,

A to je terapeutkinja koja odlazi terapeutima,

because we have to go to those, because their B.S. meters are good.

jer moramo ići njima,

jer njihovi B.S. metri su dobri.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And so I said, "Here's the thing, I'm struggling."

I stoga sam rekla,

"Evo o čemu se radi, borim se."

And she said, "What's the struggle?"

A ona je rekla, "Kakva borba?"

A ja sam rekla, "Pa, imam problem s ranjivošću.

And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue.

And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear

I znam da je ranjivost jezgra

srama i straha

i naše borbe za vrijednošću,

and our struggle for worthiness,

but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity,

ali čini se da je ujedno rodno mjesto

radosti, kreativnosti,

of belonging, of love.

pripadnosti, ljubavi.

And I think I have a problem, and I need some help."

I mislim da imam problem,

i potrebna mi je pomoć."

I rekla sam, "Ali evo o čemu se radi,

And I said, "But here's the thing: no family stuff, no childhood shit."

bez obiteljskih stvari,

bez sranja iz djetinjstva."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

"I just need some strategies."

"Potrebne su mi samo neke strategije."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

Hvala vam.

Thank you.

So she goes like this.

Stoga ona počne raditi ovo.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And then I said, "It's bad, right?"

Tada sam rekla, "Loše je, je li?"

And she said, "It's neither good nor bad."

A ona kaže, "Nije ni dobro, a nije ni loše."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

"It just is what it is."

"Jest to što jest."

And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck."

I ja sam rekla, "O moj Bože, ovo će biti užas."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And it did, and it didn't.

I je, i nije.

And it took about a year.

I trajalo je oko godine dana.

And you know how there are people

I znate kako postoje ljudi

that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important,

koji, kada shvate da su ranjivost i nježnost važne,

predaju se i uđu u njih.

that they surrender and walk into it.

A: to nisam ja,

A: that's not me,

i B: ja se ni ne družim sa takvim ljudima.

and B: I don't even hang out with people like that.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

For me, it was a yearlong street fight.

za mene, to je bila cjelogodišnja ulična borba.

It was a slugfest.

Bilo je to natjecanje u tome tko će jače udariti.

Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.

Ranjivost je gurnula, ja sam gurnula natrag.

I lost the fight,

Izgubila sam borbu,

but probably won my life back.

ali sam vjerojatno povratila svoj život.

And so then I went back into the research

I stoga sam se vratila istraživanju

and spent the next couple of years

i provela idućih par godina

really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted,

doista pokušavajuči shvatiti što su oni, svesrdni,

what choices they were making, and what we are doing with vulnerability.

koji su im bili izbori,

i što mi radimo

sa ranjivošću.

Why do we struggle with it so much?

Zašto se toliko borimo sa njom?

Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability?

Jesam li sama u borbi protiv ranjivosti?

Ne.

No.

So this is what I learned.

Ovo je, dakle, ono što sam naučila.

We numb vulnerability --

Otupljujemo ranjivost -

when we're waiting for the call.

kada očekujemo poziv.

It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook

Bilo je smiješno, stavila sam nešto na Twitter i na Facebook,

poput, "Kako biste vi definirali ranjivost?

that says, "How would you define vulnerability?

Što vas čini ranjivima?"

What makes you feel vulnerable?"

I u roku od sat i pol, imala sam 150 odgovora.

And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses.

Because I wanted to know what's out there.

Jer sam htjela znati

što se nalazi tamo vani.

Moleći supruga za pomoć,

Having to ask my husband for help because I'm sick, and we're newly married;

jer sam bolesna, a mi smo novopečeni mladenci;

iniciranje seksa sa svojim mužem;

initiating sex with my husband;

initiating sex with my wife;

iniciranje seksa sa svojom ženom;

biti odbijen; pozvati nekoga van;

being turned down; asking someone out;

očekujući poziv od doktora;

waiting for the doctor to call back;

dobiti otkaz; otpuštati ljude -

getting laid off; laying off people.

This is the world we live in.

to je svijet u kojem živimo.

We live in a vulnerable world.

Živimo u ranjivom svijetu.

And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.

A jedan od načina na koji se nosimo s tim

je da otupljujemo ranjivost.

And I think there's evidence --

I mislim kako postoji dokaz -

and it's not the only reason this evidence exists,

i nije jedini razlog što taj dokaz postoji,

but I think it's a huge cause --

ali mislim da je ogroman razlog -

We are the most in-debt ...

mi smo najzaduženija,

najdeblja,

obese ...

addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history.

ovisna i liječena

odrasla kohorta u povijesti SAD-a.

The problem is -- and I learned this from the research --

Problem je - i naučila sam to iz istraživanja -

that you cannot selectively numb emotion.

da ne možete selektivno zatupiti emocije.

You can't say, here's the bad stuff.

Ne možete reći, ovo su loše stvari.

Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame,

Ovdje je ranjivost, ovdje je tuga, ovdje je sram,

here's fear, here's disappointment.

ovdje je strah, ovdje je razočaranje,

I don't want to feel these.

ne želim ih osjećati.

I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.

Popit ću par piva i pojesti muffin od banane i orašastog voća.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Ne želim ih osjećati.

I don't want to feel these.

And I know that's knowing laughter.

I znam kako je to znalački smijeh.

I hack into your lives for a living.

Ja za život hakiram u vaše živote.

God.

Bože.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

You can't numb those hard feelings

Ne možete zatupiti te teške osjećaje

without numbing the other affects, our emotions.

bez zatupljivanja utecaja, naših emocija.

Ne možete selektivno zatupljivati.

You cannot selectively numb.

So when we numb those,

Stoga, kada ih zatupljujemo,

we numb joy,

zatupljujemo i radost,

zatupljujemo zahvalnost,

we numb gratitude,

we numb happiness.

zatupljujemo sreću.

A tada smo jadni,

And then, we are miserable,

i tražimo smisao i značenje,

and we are looking for purpose and meaning,

i tada se osjećamo ranjivo,

and then we feel vulnerable,

so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.

pa onda popijemo par piva i pojedemo muffin od banane i orašastog voća.

And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

I pretvara se u taj opasan krug.

One of the things that I think we need to think about

Jedna od stvari o kojima, mislim, moramo razmisliti

is why and how we numb.

je zašto i kako zatupljujemo.

And it doesn't just have to be addiction.

I ne mora samo biti ovisnost.

Druga stvar koju radimo

The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain certain.

je da pretvaramo sve što je neizvjesno u izvjesno.

Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty.

Religija je prešla put od vjere u nadu i misterij

do izvjesnosti.

"I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up."

Ja sam u pravu, ti si u krivu. Ušuti.

To je to.

That's it.

Samo izvjesno.

Just certain.

Što se više bojimo, to smo više ranjivi,

The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are,

to se više bojimo.

the more afraid we are.

Tako izgleda današnja politika.

This is what politics looks like today.

Nema više diskursa.

There's no discourse anymore.

There's no conversation.

Nema više razgovora.

There's just blame.

Postoji samo optuživanje.

You know how blame is described in the research?

Znate kako je optuživanje opisano u istraživanju?

A way to discharge pain and discomfort.

Način pražnjenja boli i neugode.

Mi usavršavamo.

We perfect.

If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me,

Ako postoji itko tko želi da im život izgleda poput ovog, onda bi to bila ja,

ali to ne funkcionira.

but it doesn't work.

Because what we do is we take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks.

Jer ono što radimo je da uzimamo masnoću iz naših stražnjica

i stavljamo je u naše obraze.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Which just, I hope in 100 years, people will look back and go, "Wow."

Na što će, nadam se za sto godina,

ljudi gledati unatrag i reći, "Wow."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And we perfect, most dangerously, our children.

I mi usavršavamo, najopasnije,

našu djecu.

Let me tell you what we think about children.

Dopustite mi da vam kažem što mislimo o djeci.

They're hardwired for struggle when they get here.

Oni su predisponirani za borbu čim se pojave ovdje.

And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand,

I kada držite te male savršene bebe u vašim rukama,

our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect.

naš posao nije reći, "Pogledaj je, savršena je.

Moj posao je održati je savršenom -

My job is just to keep her perfect --

pobrinuti se da uđe u tenisku ekipu do petog razreda i na Yale do sedmog razreda."

make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh."

To nije naš posao.

That's not our job.

Our job is to look and say,

Naš posao je pogledati i reći,

"You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle,

"Znaš što? Ti se nesavršena, i predisponirana si za borbu,

but you are worthy of love and belonging."

ali ti si dostojna ljubavi i pripadnosti."

To je naš posao.

That's our job.

Pokažite mi generaciju djece koja su odgojena na takav način,

Show me a generation of kids raised like that,

i mislim kako ćemo riješiti probleme današnjice.

and we'll end the problems, I think, that we see today.

We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people.

Pretvaramo se da ono što činimo

nema utjecaja na ljude.

We do that in our personal lives.

Činimo to u našim osobnim životima.

We do that corporate --

Radimo te korporativne -

whether it's a bailout, an oil spill ...

bilo da je izbavljenje, istjecanje nafte,

povlačenje -

a recall.

We pretend like what we're doing

pretvaramo se da to što radimo

doesn't have a huge impact on other people.

nema veliki utjecaj na druge ljude.

I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people.

Rekla bih kompanijama, to nije naš prvi rodeo ljudi.

We just need you to be authentic and real and say ...

Tražimo od vas da budete autentični i stvarni

i da kažete, "Žao nam je.

"We're sorry. We'll fix it."

Popravit ćemo to."

But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this.

Ali postoji i drugi način, i ostavit ću vas s tim.

Ovo je što sam otkrila:

This is what I have found:

To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen ...

kako bismo dopustili sebi da budemo viđeni,

duboko viđeni,

ranjivo viđeni;

to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee --

kako bismo voljeli sa svim srcem,

iako ne postoji nikakvo jamstvo -

a to je uistinu teško,

and that's really hard,

and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult --

i mogu vam to reći kao roditelj, to je bolno teško -

kako bismo prakticirali zahvalnost i radost

to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror,

u tim trenucima užasa,

when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much?

kada se pitamo, "Mogu li te voljeti toliko?

Mogu li vjerovati u to sa toliko strašću?

Can I believe in this this passionately?

Mogu li biti bijesna zbog toga?"

Can I be this fierce about this?"

just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen,

kako bi jednostavno bili sposobni stati i, umjesto katastrofiziranja što se moglo dogoditi,

reći, "Jednostavno sam toliko zahvalna,

to say, "I'm just so grateful,

because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive."

jer osjećati se toliko ranjivom znači da sam živa."

And the last, which I think is probably the most important,

I posljednje, što je mislim najvažnije,

je vjerovati da smo dovoljni.

is to believe that we're enough.

Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ...

Jer kada radimo s mjesta

koje, vjerujem, kaže, "Dovoljna sam,"

then we stop screaming and start listening,

tada možemo prestati vrištati i početi slušati,

we're kinder and gentler to the people around us,

ljubazniji smo i nježniji prema ljudima oko nas,

i ljubazniji smo i nježniji do nas samih.

and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.

To je sve što imam. Hvala vam.

That's all I have. Thank you.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)