The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown | TED

Translator: olatz mercader Reviewer: Manex artola

Beno, honekin hasiko naiz

So, I'll start with this: a couple years ago, an event planner called me

duela pare bat urte, ekitaldi antolatzaile batek deitu ninduen

hitzaldi bat ematera nindoalako

because I was going to do a speaking event.

deitu zidan, eta esan zidan

And she called, and she said,

"Benetan borrokan ari naiz

"I'm really struggling with how to write about you on the little flyer."

gonbidapenerako zutaz idatzi behar dudanarekin"

And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?"

eta pentsatu nuen " Tira, zein da ba borroka hori?"

Eta esan zidan " Ba, hitzegiten ikusi zintudan"

And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,

eta uste dut ikertzaile deituko zaitudala

and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think,

but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come,

baina beldur naiz ikertzaile deitzen badizut inor ez dela etorriko

aspergarri eta hutsala zarela pentsatuko bait dute"

because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant."

(Barreak)

(Laughter)

Primeran.

And I was like, "Okay."

And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk

Eta esan zidan " Baina zure hitzalditik gustatu zitzaidana

zu istorio kontalari bat zarela da

is you're a storyteller.

So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller."

beraz, uste dut istorio kontalari deituko zaitudala"

And of course, the academic, insecure part of me

Eta noski, nire alderdi akademiko eta inseguruak

was like, "You're going to call me a what?"

zion " zer deitu behar nauzula?"

Eta berak esan zidan " Istorio kontalari deituko zaitut"

And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller."

And I was like, "Why not 'magic pixie'?"

Eta nik " Eta zergatik ez iratxo magikoa?"

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

I was like, "Let me think about this for a second."

Nik nion " Emaidazu segundu batez hontaz pentsatzeko"

Nire kuraia batzen saiatu

I tried to call deep on my courage.

And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller.

eta pentsatu nuen, istorio kontalari bat naiz.

I'm a qualitative researcher.

Ikerlari kualitatiboa naiz

I collect stories; that's what I do.

istorioak biltzen ditut, hori da egiten dudana.

And maybe stories are just data with a soul.

Eta agian istorioak arima duten datuak besterik ez dira.

And maybe I'm just a storyteller.

Eta agian istorio kontalari bat baino ez naiz.

And so I said, "You know what?

Beraz esan nion, "Aizu,

Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller."

zergatik ez duzu istorio kontalari ikerlaria naizela esaten?"

And she went, "Ha ha. There's no such thing."

Eta erantzu zidan, "Jaja.Holakorik ez da esistitzen"

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

So I'm a researcher-storyteller, and I'm going to talk to you today --

Beraz istorio kontalari ikerlaria naiz

eta gaur hitz egingo dizuet

we're talking about expanding perception --

pertzepzioa zabaltzeaz hitz egiten ari gara

and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories

beraz zuei hitz egin eta zenbait istorio kontatu nahi dizkizuet

nere pertzepzioa oinarritik zabaldu zuen

about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception

nere ikerketaren zati bati buruz

and really actually changed the way that I live and love

nere bizi eta maitatzeko,

and work and parent.

lan egin eta guraso izateko era guztiz aldatuz

And this is where my story starts.

Eta hemen hasten da nire istorioa.

When I was a young researcher, doctoral student,

Ikerlari gaztea nintzela, doktoretza ikastaroan

my first year, I had a research professor who said to us,

lehenengo urtean ikerkuntza irakasle bat izan nuen

esan ziguna

"Here's the thing, if you cannot measure it, it does not exist."

"Hemen dago kakoa.

"Ezin baduzu neurtu, ez da esistitzen."

Zurikeritan zebilkidala pentsatzen nuen.

And I thought he was just sweet-talking me.

" Benetan?" nion nik, eta berak "Erabat"

I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely."

And so you have to understand

Eta tira, ulertu behar duzue

Gizarte langintzan lizentzua naizela, master bat ere badudala,

that I have a bachelor's and a master's in social work,

eta nire doktaradutza lortzen ari nintzela,

and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work, so my entire academic career

beraz nire karrera guztia

bizitza nahaspilotsua

was surrounded by people who kind of believed in the "life's messy, love it."

dela pentsatzea maite duen

pertsonez inguratuta zegoen.

And I'm more of the, "life's messy, clean it up, organize it

Eta ni gehiago naiz "Bizitza nahaspilotsua da,

garbitu ezazu, antolatu,

and put it into a bento box."

eta Bento kaxa batean sartu" estilokoa

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

Eta pentsatu nuen nire bidea topatu nuela

And so to think that I had found my way, to found a career that takes me --

betetzen ninduen karrera bat sortzeko.

really, one of the big sayings in social work is,

zeren gizarte langintzan esaera handienetako bat

"Lean into the discomfort of the work."

lanaren ezerosotasunean murgiltzea da

And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head

eta nire kasuan, "Kolpe bat eman ezerosotasunari buruan,

and move it over and get all A's.

baztertu zazu eta atera dena bikain"

That was my mantra.

Hori zen nire mantra

So I was very excited about this.

Beraz oso emozionatuta nengoen

And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me,

Eta pentsatu nuen, badakizu? hau da niretzako karrera egokia

because I am interested in some messy topics.

zenbait gai nahaspilotsutan interesatua bait nago

But I want to be able to make them not messy.

Baina gai hoiek ez nahaspilotsu bihurtzeko kapaz izan nahi dut

Ulertu nahi ditut

I want to understand them.

I want to hack into these things that I know are important

Gauza hauek arakatu nahi ditut

Badakit garrantzitsuak direla

and lay the code out for everyone to see.

eta kodea deszifratu guztiek ikusi dezaten

So where I started was with connection.

Beraz, konexioarekin hasi nintzen

Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years,

Zeren, 10 urtez gizate langitzan jardun bazara

gauza batetaz jabetzen zara

what you realize is that connection is why we're here.

eta da konexioa dela gu hemen egotearen arrazoia

It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.

horrek ematen dio helburu eta zentzua gure bizitzari

Hortaz doa guztia.

This is what it's all about.

It doesn't matter whether you talk to people

Ez dio inporta, ze arlotan lan egiten duen jendearekin hitzegiten duzun

gizarte-justizia, adimen-osasun edo abusu eta utzikerian,

who work in social justice, mental health and abuse and neglect,

dakiguna da konexioa dela eta

what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is --

konektatuta sentitzeko gaitasunagatik

-neurobiologikoki horrela eratuta bait gaude-

neurobiologically that's how we're wired --

it's why we're here.

gaudela hemen.

So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection.

Beraz pentsatu nuen, badakizu? Konexiotik hasiko naiz

Ezaguna zaizue egoera hau:

Well, you know that situation

where you get an evaluation from your boss,

Zure nagusiak zure lana ebaluatzen du

and she tells you 37 things that you do really awesome,

eta ikaragarri ondo egiten dituzun 37 gauza aipatzen dizkizu

and one "opportunity for growth?"

eta - "hazteko aukera" bat

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

eta zuk hazteko aukera hortan besterik ezin duzu pentatu, ezta?

And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right?

Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well,

Tira, itxuraz nire lanari ere horixe gertatu zitzaion

because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak.

zeren, jendeari maitasunaz galdetzen diozunean

bihotz urratuez hitzegiten dizute

When you ask people about belonging,

jendeari pertenentziari buruz galdetzen diozunean

bere esperientzia jasangaitzenak kontatuko dizkizute

they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded.

bazterketari buruz

And when you ask people about connection,

Eta jendeari konexioaz galdetzen diozunean

the stories they told me were about disconnection.

kontatzen dituzten istoriak deskonexioari buruzkoak dira

Beraz oso azkar- ikerketan hasi eta sei astetara

So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research --

izenik gabeko zera horrekin egin nuen topo

I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection

korapilotik askatu gabeko konexio bat

aurretik sekula ulertu edo ikusi ez nuena

in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.

Berez ikerketa bertan behera utzi

And so I pulled back out of the research

eta pentsatu nuen, hau zer den ulertu beharra daukat.

and thought, I need to figure out what this is.

And it turned out to be shame.

Lotsa zela nabarmendu zen

Eta lotsa oso errez uler daiteke:

And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection:

deskonexioari zaion beldurra.

Bada nigan zerbait

Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it,

besteek ezagutu edo ikusten badute

that I won't be worthy of connection?

konexioa jasotzeko ez-duin egingo nauena

Horri buruz esan dezakedana da

The things I can tell you about it:

unibertsala dela, denok daukagu

It's universal; we all have it.

The only people who don't experience shame

Lotsa ezagutzen ez duten pertsonek

ez daukate giza enpatia eta konexiorako ahalmenik

have no capacity for human empathy or connection.

Inork ez du hortaz hitzegin nahi

No one wants to talk about it,

and the less you talk about it, the more you have it.

eta orduan eta gutxiago hitzegin hortaz, orduan eta gehiago daukazu

What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough," --

Lotsa honek oinarri bat badu

"Ez naiz behar bezain ona" hori

denok ezagutzen dugun sentimendua

which, we all know that feeling:

"I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough,

" Ez naiz behar bezain trinkoa. Ez naiz behar bezain argala

rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough."

behar bezain aberatsa, ederra, dotorea,

ez naute behar bezala promozionatu"

The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability.

Guzti honen oinarrian

bulnerabilitate jasanezina zegoen

This idea of, in order for connection to happen,

konexioa gertatu ahal izateko

gure burua ikusgai,

we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.

benetan eta sakonki ikusgai jartzea

beharrezkoa delako ideia

Eta badakizue zer sentitzen dudan bulnerabilitatari buruz. Gorroto dut.

And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.

Beraz pentsaatu nuen, hau da nire aukera.

And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick.

nere neurtzeko makilarekin garaituko dut.

I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out,

Sartzera noa, gauzak nola funtzionatzen duen ulertuko dut

I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame,

urte bat iragango dut, eta erabat dekonstruituko dut lotsa,

I'm going to understand how vulnerability works,

bulnerabilidadeak nola lan egiten duen ulertuko dut,

eta bera baino azkarragoa izango naiz.

and I'm going to outsmart it.

So I was ready, and I was really excited.

Beraz prest nengoen, eta benetan emozionatuta.

Dakizuen bezela, honek ez du ondo bukatuko

As you know, it's not going to turn out well.

(Barreak)

(Laughter)

You know this.

Badakizue.

So, I could tell you a lot about shame,

Gauza asko esan ditzazket lotsari buruz

but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time.

baina beste norbaiten denbora beharko nuke hortarako

But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to --

baina hontara laburtzen dela esan diezazueket

and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned

eta agian ikerketa hau egiten iragan dudan hamarkada hontan

in the decade of doing this research.

ikasi dudan gauzarik garrantzitsuena da

Nere urte hori

My one year turned into six years:

sei urteko lanean bilakatu zen

milaka istorio

Thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups.

ehundaka elkarrizketa luze, talde fokalak,

At one point, people were sending me journal pages

Jendeak bere egunerokoen orriak bidaltzen zizkidan

bere istorioak igortzen zizkidan

and sending me their stories --

thousands of pieces of data in six years.

milaka datu sei urtetan

eta nolabait ulertzea lortu nuen

And I kind of got a handle on it.

I kind of understood, this is what shame is, this is how it works.

nolabiat konprenitu nuen, hau da lotsa

honela funtzionatzen du.

Liburu bat idatzi nuen,

I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay --

teoria bat argitaratu nuen,

baina zerbait ez zebilen ondo

and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed

eta honokoa zen

elkarrizketatutako jendea orokorrean

and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness --

sailkatzen banuen

bere burua baloratzeko zeukaten eraren arabera

hau zen emaitza

that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness --

alde batetik, balio izatearen sentimendua

they have a strong sense of love and belonging --

maitasun eta pertenentzia zentzu indartsua dutenak

and folks who struggle for it,

eta horregatik borrokatzen duen jendea

and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.

etengabe bere buruari behar bezain onak ote diren galdezka dabilen jendea

Aldagai bakarrak

There was only one variable that separated

bereitzen zituen

the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging

maitasun eta pertenentzia zentzu sendoa zuen jendea

and the people who really struggle for it.

eta horrekin borrokan zebilena

And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging

eta honokoa zen,

maitasun eta pertenentzia zentzu sendoa duen jendeak

believe they're worthy of love and belonging.

maitasuna eta pertenentzia merezi dituela uste du

That's it.

Hori da

They believe they're worthy.

Balio edo merezi dutela uste dute.

And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection

Eta niretzako, konexioz kanpo uzten gaituen

elementuaren alderdirik gogorrena

is our fear that we're not worthy of connection,

konexio hori merezi ez izatearen beldurra da,

was something that, personally and professionally,

pertsonalki eta profesionalki

hobeto ulertu behar nuela sentitzen nuen

I felt like I needed to understand better.

So what I did is I took all of the interviews

Orduan

pena merezi eta balio zutela pentsatuz bizi ziren pertsonen

where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way,

elkarrizketak hartu nituen

and just looked at those.

eta hoiek bakarrik aztertu nituen.

What do these people have in common?

Zer dute pertsona guzti hauek amankomunean?

I have a slight office supply addiction, but that's another talk.

Bulego materialari adikzio txiki bat diot

baina horri beste hitzaldi bat izango litzateke

So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie,

Karpeta bat eta arkatz bat nituen eskuan

and I was like, what am I going to call this research?

eta nion, nola deituko dut ikerketa hau?

Burura etorri zitzaizkidan lehenengo hitzak

And the first words that came to my mind were "whole-hearted."

"bihotz-betedunak" izan ziren

These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness.

bihotz-betedunak, merezi izatearen zentzu sakon horrekin bizi direnak

Beraz hori idatzi nuen karpetaren gainkaldean,

So I wrote at the top of the manila folder,

eta datuak aztertzen hasi nintzen

and I started looking at the data.

Hortik hasi nintzen

In fact, I did it first in a four-day, very intensive data analysis,

lau egun iraun zituen

datu-analisi intentso batean

where I went back, pulled the interviews, the stories, pulled the incidents.

non berreskuratu nituen elkarrizketak, istorioak, inzidenteak

What's the theme? What's the pattern?

Zein da da gaia?

My husband left town with the kids

Nere senarrak eta umeak herritik aldegin zuten

because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing,

Jackson Pollock estiloko eromenean sartzen bait naiz

where I'm just writing and in my researcher mode.

non idatzi besterik ez dudan egiten

nire ikerlari moduan murgilduta

And so here's what I found.

Eta hemen da topatu nuena

Amankomunean zeukatena

What they had in common was a sense of courage.

kuraia zentzua zen

And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute.

eta kuraia eta ausardia bereizi nahi nituzke minutu batez

Courage, the original definition of courage,

""courage", kuraiaren jatorrizko definizioa

ingelesera iritsi zenean

when it first came into the English language --

latinezko "cor" hitzetik zetorren, bihotza

it's from the Latin word "cor," meaning "heart" --

and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are

eta jatorrizko definizioan hau esan nahi zuen:

zein zaren azaltzen duen istorioa bihotz betearekin kontatzea

with your whole heart.

Eta tipo hauek

And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect.

sinpleki, bazuten kuraia

inperfektu izateko

They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others,

Konpasioa zuten

lehenik bere buruarekin eta ondoren besteekin zintzo izateko

because, as it turns out,

zeren, nabarmentzen den bezala, ezin dugu besteekin konpasiorik izan

we can't practice compassion with other people

ez badugu gure burua goxotasunez tratatzen

if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part --

Eta azkenik, konexioa zuten

eta - hau zen zatirik gogorrena-

as a result of authenticity,

bere autentizitatearen ondorioz

they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be

izan beharko luketenari buruzko ideiak baztertzeko desiatzen zeuden

in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that

benetan zirenak izan ahal izateko

eta hori erabat egin beharra daukazu

for connection.

konektatu ahal izateko.

The other thing that they had in common was this:

Beste zerbait ere bazuten amankomunean

eta hau zen

They fully embraced vulnerability.

Bulnerabilitatea erabat besarkatzen zuten

They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful.

Sinisten zuten

bulnerable egiten zituen horrek berak

eder egiten zituela

Ez zioten bulnerabilitatea

They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable,

eroso zenik

nor did they really talk about it being excruciating --

baina ezta jasanezina zenik ere,

as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing.

lotsari buruzko elkarrizketetan entzuten nuen bezala

Solik beharrezkoa zela zioten

They just talked about it being necessary.

They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first ...

hitzegiten zuten

"maite zaitut" lehenik esateko nahiaz

inolako garantiarik

the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees ...

eskeintzen ez duen

zerbait egiteko irrikaz

the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call

mamografia baten ondoren

medikuaren deiaren zai zauden bitartean

after your mammogram.

arnasa hartzeko irrikaz

They're willing to invest in a relationship

Harreman batean inbertitzeko prest daude

that may or may not work out.

ondo edo gaizki aterako den neurtu gabe

They thought this was fundamental.

Hau oinarrizkoa dela uste dute

I personally thought it was betrayal.

Nik pertsonalki, traizioa zela uste nuen

I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job --

ikerketari erabateko fideltasuna

hitz eman bait nion

you know, the definition of research is to control and predict,

eta ikerketaren definizioa

kontrolatu eta aurresatea da, fenomenoak estudiatzea

to study phenomena for the explicit reason to control and predict.

kontrolatu eta aurresateko

arrazoi zehatzagatik

And now my mission to control and predict

eta orain, kontrolatu eta aurresan ahal izateko

ekin dudan misioaren emaitza

had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability

bulnerabilitatearekin bizi behar dela da

eta kontrolatu eta aurresateari utzi.

and to stop controlling and predicting.

This led to a little breakdown --

Honek krisialdi txiki bat sortu zidan

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

-- which actually looked more like this.

--tira, honen antza gehiago zeukan

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

And it did.

Bai, antza gehio zeukan

I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening.

Krisialdi deitu nion, nere terapeutak iratzartze espirituala deitzen zion

(Laughter)

A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown,

Iratzartze espiritualak krisialdiak baino hobeto ematen du belarrira

baina zin egiten dizuet krisialdi bat izan zela.

but I assure you, it was a breakdown.

Datu guztiak alde batera utzi eta terapeuta bat bilatu behar nuen

And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist.

Utzidazue zerbait esaten: Nor zaren jakingo duzu

Let me tell you something: you know who you are

zure lagunei deitu eta "Norbait ikusi behar dut" esaten diezunean

when you call your friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody.

"Gomendatuko zenidake norbait?"

Do you have any recommendations?"

Because about five of my friends were like,

Zeren bost lagunek edo erantzun zidaten

"Wooo, I wouldn't want to be your therapist."

"UF!!! Ez nuek zure terapeuta izan nahi"

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

I was like, "What does that mean?"

"Zer esan nahi du horrek" nion?

And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know.

eta beraiek " Zera bakarrik esan nahi nuke, badakizu?

Don't bring your measuring stick."

Ez eraman zure neurtzeko makila zurekin!"

(Laughter)

"Ados" esan nuen

I was like, "Okay."

So I found a therapist.

Terapeuta bat bilatu nuen

My first meeting with her, Diana --

Diana, gure lehen elkarrizketara

bihotz betekoak bizi ziren erari buruzko

I brought in my list of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down.

zerrenda eraman nuen, eseri nintzen

And she said, "How are you?"

eta esan zidan " Zer moduz zaude?"

And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay."

eta nik. "Primera nago, oso ondo"

She said, "What's going on?"

esan zidan "Zer gertatzen da?"

And this is a therapist who sees therapists,

Terapeutak tratatzen dituen terapeuta bat da

because we have to go to those, because their B.S. meters are good.

guk haiengana jo behar dugu

txorakeriak antzematen hobeak bait dira

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

And so I said, "Here's the thing, I'm struggling."

Eta esan nuen

" Hauxe da gauza, borrokan ari naiz"

And she said, "What's the struggle?"

Eta berak " Zein da borroka?"

Ata nik " Tira, bulnerabilitate arazo bat daukat

And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue.

And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear

Eta badakit bulnerabilitatea muina dela

beldur eta lotsaren muina

balio izateagatiko gure burrukaren muina

and our struggle for worthiness,

but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity,

baina baita ere badirudi sorlekua dela

poza eta sormenaren,

of belonging, of love.

pertenentzia eta maitasunaren sorlekua

And I think I have a problem, and I need some help."

eta uste dut arazo bat dudala

eta laguntza pixkat behar dut"

Eta esan nuen " Baina horixe da dena

And I said, "But here's the thing: no family stuff, no childhood shit."

ez famili kalakarik

ez haurtzaroko kakarik"

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

"I just need some strategies."

"Estrategia batzu baino ez ditut behar"

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

(Applause)

(Txaloak)

Eskerrikasko

Thank you.

So she goes like this.

Eta berak horrela egiten du

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

And then I said, "It's bad, right?"

Eta orduan nik diot " Txarra da, ezta?"

And she said, "It's neither good nor bad."

Eta berak "Ez da ez txarra ez ona"

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

"It just is what it is."

" Dena besterik ez da"

And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck."

Eta nik " Ene Jainkoa, hau zeharo gogaikarria izango da"

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

And it did, and it didn't.

Eta izan zen, eta ez zen izan

And it took about a year.

Urte bete behar izan nuen

And you know how there are people

Eta badakizue nola zenbait pertsona

that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important,

bulnerabilitatea eta xamurtasuna garrantzitsuak direla ohartu eta

errenditu eta bertan murgiltzen diren?

that they surrender and walk into it.

A: Hori ez naiz ni

A: that's not me,

B: Horrelakoa den jendearekin ez naiz ibili ere egiten.

and B: I don't even hang out with people like that.

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

For me, it was a yearlong street fight.

Neretzako urtebeteko kale borroka izan zen

It was a slugfest.

Lehia bat izan zen

Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.

Bulnerabilitateak bultzatzen zuen, nik bultzada itzultzen nuen

I lost the fight,

Borroka galdu nuen

but probably won my life back.

baina seguruaski nire bizitza berreskuratu nuen

And so then I went back into the research

Beraz, ikerketara itzuli nintzen

and spent the next couple of years

Eta pare bat urte eman nituen

really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted,

Bihotz-betekoak ulertzen saiatzen,

what choices they were making, and what we are doing with vulnerability.

sein diren egiten dituzten aukeraketak

eta zer egiten ari garen

bulnerabilitatearekin.

Why do we struggle with it so much?

Zergatik borrokatzen dugu hainbeste horrekin?

Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability?

Ni bakarrik ari al naiz bulnerabilitatearekin borrokan?

Ez

No.

So this is what I learned.

Hau da ikasi nuena

We numb vulnerability --

Bulnerabilitatea sorgortzen dugu

when we're waiting for the call.

--deiaren zai gaudenean

It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook

Barregarria izan zen, Twitter eta Facebook bidez galdetu nuen

"Nola definituko zenuke bulnerabilitatea?"

that says, "How would you define vulnerability?

"Zerk egiten zaitu bulneragarri?"

What makes you feel vulnerable?"

ordu t´erdian, 150 erantzun nituen

And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses.

Because I wanted to know what's out there.

Jakin nahi nuen

zer zegoen hor kanpoan

"Nere senarrari laguntza eskatzeak

Having to ask my husband for help because I'm sick, and we're newly married;

gaixo nagoelako, eta ezkonberriak gara"

"nire senarrarekin sexua praktikatzen hasteak"

initiating sex with my husband;

initiating sex with my wife;

"nire emaztearekin sexua praktikatzen hasteak"

"baztertua izateak", "norbaiti geratzeko eskatzeak"

being turned down; asking someone out;

"medikuak dei diezadan itxoiteak"

waiting for the doctor to call back;

"lanetik kaleratua izateak", "jendea kaleratu beharrak"

getting laid off; laying off people.

This is the world we live in.

hau da hizi dugun mundua.

We live in a vulnerable world.

Mundu bulnerable batean bizi gara

And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.

eta bulnerabilitatea maneiatzeko darabilgun eratako bat

bulnerabilitatea sorgortzea da

And I think there's evidence --

Eta uste dut ebidentzia dagoela

and it's not the only reason this evidence exists,

-----eta ez da ebidentzi hau izatearen arrazoi bakarra

but I think it's a huge cause --

baina garrantzitsuenetakoa dela uste dut-----

We are the most in-debt ...

EE.BB.ko istorio guztian izan den

heldu talderik zorpetuena,

obese ...

addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history.

lodiena, adiktuena,

eta medikatuena gara

The problem is -- and I learned this from the research --

Arazoa da- eta hontaz ikerketan konturatu nintzen--

that you cannot selectively numb emotion.

ezin dituzula emozioak selektiboki sorgortu.

You can't say, here's the bad stuff.

Ezin duzu esan, hemen daude gauza txarrak

Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame,

hemen daude bulnerabilitatea, pena, lotsa

here's fear, here's disappointment.

hemen dago beldurra, hemen dezepzioa

I don't want to feel these.

Ez ditut sentitu nahi.

I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.

Zerbeza pare bat edan eta platano eta intxaur opil bat jatera noa

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

Ez ditut sentitu nahi.

I don't want to feel these.

And I know that's knowing laughter.

Eta badakit barre hoiek ezagutza-barreak direla.

I hack into your lives for a living.

Zuen bizitzatan arakatzea da nire ofizioa.

God.

Jainkoa.

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

You can't numb those hard feelings

Ezin dituzu sentimendu latz hoiek sorgortu

without numbing the other affects, our emotions.

afektuak eta emozioak sorgortu gabe.

Ezin duzu selektiboki sorgortu

You cannot selectively numb.

So when we numb those,

Beraz lehenengoak sorgortzean

we numb joy,

zoriona sorgortzen dugu

esker ona sorgortzen dugu

we numb gratitude,

we numb happiness.

zoriona sorgortzen dugu.

Eta orduan lur jota sentitzen gara,

And then, we are miserable,

helburu eta esanahi baten bila hasten gara

and we are looking for purpose and meaning,

eta orduan bulnerable sentitzen gara

and then we feel vulnerable,

so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.

eta orduan, zerbeza pare bat eta platano eta intxaur opil bat hartzen ditugu.

And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

Eta benetan ziklo arriskutsua bilakatzen da

One of the things that I think we need to think about

Pentsatu beharrekoak ditugun gauzetatik bat

is why and how we numb.

zergatik eta nola sorgortzen dugun da.

And it doesn't just have to be addiction.

Eta ez dauka zertan adikzio bat izan beharrik.

Egiten dugun beste gauza bat

The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain certain.

ziurrak ez diren gauzak ziur bihurtzea da.

Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty.

Erlijioa fede eta misterioan oinarritutako sinismena izatetik

ziurtasuna izatera pasa da.

"I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up."

Zuzen nabil, oker zaude. Ixil zaitez.

Hori da guztia.

That's it.

Ziurtasuna soilik

Just certain.

Orduan eta beldur gehiago izan, orduan eta

The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are,

bulnerableago izan

the more afraid we are.

Horrelakoa da politika gaur egun.

This is what politics looks like today.

Jada ez dago diskurtsorik.

There's no discourse anymore.

There's no conversation.

Ez dago elkarrizketarik.

There's just blame.

Erruen leporatzea soilik.

You know how blame is described in the research?

Badakizue ikerketak nola definitzen duen erruak leporatzea ?

A way to discharge pain and discomfort.

Mina eta ezerosotasuna deskargatzeko era bat

Perfekzionatu egiten dugu

We perfect.

If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me,

Nere bizitzak itxura hori izatea gustatuko litzaidake

baina ez du funtzionatzen.

but it doesn't work.

Because what we do is we take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks.

Zeren eta gantza ipurditik atera

eta gure masailetan jartzen dugu

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

Which just, I hope in 100 years, people will look back and go, "Wow."

Espero dut ehun bat urtean

jendeak atzera begiratuko duela eta esan "Uau!!"

(Laughter)

(Barreak)

And we perfect, most dangerously, our children.

Eta askoz arriskutsuagoa dena

gure haurrak perfekzionatzen ditugu.

Let me tell you what we think about children.

Utzidazue haurrei buruz pentsazen dudana esaten

They're hardwired for struggle when they get here.

Jaiotzen direnean borrokarako egituratuta daude

And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand,

Eta haurtxo perfektu hoiek besotan hartzen ditugunean

our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect.

gure lana ez da honokoa " Begira iezaiozu, perfektua da!

Nire lana perfektu mantentzea da soilik---

My job is just to keep her perfect --

14 urterekin tenis taldean eta 17-rekin Yalen onartuko dutela ziurtatzea."

make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh."

Hori ez da gure lana.

That's not our job.

Our job is to look and say,

Gure lana begiratu eta hau esatea da:

"You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle,

"Badakizu? Inperfektua zara, eta borrokarako jaio zara

but you are worthy of love and belonging."

baina maitasuna eta pertenentzia merezi dituzu".

Hori da gure lana

That's our job.

Erakutsidazue horrela hazitako ume belaunaldi bat

Show me a generation of kids raised like that,

eta gaur egun ikusten ditugun arazoak desagertuko lirateke.

and we'll end the problems, I think, that we see today.

We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people.

Sinistu nahi dugu guk egiten dugunak

ez duela besteengan eraginik.

We do that in our personal lives.

Hau gure bizitza pertsonalean egiten dugu.

We do that corporate --

Baita enpresa mailan ere---

whether it's a bailout, an oil spill ...

berdin dio finantza- erreskate bat izan, petrolio-isuri bat

edo kargu-kentze bat,

a recall.

We pretend like what we're doing

guk egiten dugunak besteengan

doesn't have a huge impact on other people.

eraginik izango ez duenaren itxura egiten dugu

I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people.

Korporazioei esango nieke, aizue, ez gara hain inozoak

We just need you to be authentic and real and say ...

Autentiko eta zintzo izan zaitezten behar dugu

eta esan " Sentitzen dugu"

"We're sorry. We'll fix it."

" Konponduko dugu"

But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this.

Baina bada beste bide bat, eta honekin uzten zaituztet

Hau da aurkitu dudana:

This is what I have found:

To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen ...

Gure burua ikus dezaten uztea

sakonki ikus dezaten

gure bulnerabilitatearekin ikus gaitzaten

to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee --

bihotz betearekin maitatzea

inolako garantiarik ez dagoen arren-----

eta hori oso gogorra da

and that's really hard,

and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult --

guraso bezela, hau ikaragarri gogorra da

esker ona eta zoriona praktikatu

to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror,

zenbait unetan ikara sentitzen badugu

when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much?

" Hainbeste maite al zaitzaket?" pentsatzean

"Hontaz hainbeste pasiorekin sinetsi al dezaket?"

Can I believe in this this passionately?

"Honi buruz hain intenso izan al naiteke?"

Can I be this fierce about this?"

just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen,

gerta litekeena katastrofizatu ordez, gelditzeko kapazak izan eta

esan " Zeharo esker oneko sentitzen naiz

to say, "I'm just so grateful,

because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive."

hain bulnerable sentitzeak bizirik nagoela esan nahi bait du"

And the last, which I think is probably the most important,

Eta azkenik, nire iritziz garrantzitsuena dena:

aski garela sinistea

is to believe that we're enough.

Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ...

Zeren eta lanean hasten garenean

"pena merezi dut", "aski naiz" abiapuntu hortatik

then we stop screaming and start listening,

oihu egiteari utzi eta entzuten hasten gara,

we're kinder and gentler to the people around us,

zintzoago eta goxoago gara gure ingurukoekin

eta zintzoago eta goxoago gara gure buruarekin.

and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.

Hau da dudan guztia. Eskerrikasko

That's all I have. Thank you.

(Applause)

(Txaloak).