The best way to apologize (according to science)

Translator: Klavdija Černilogar Dwyer Reviewer: Nika Kotnik

Over the years, people have come up with some truly awful apologies.

Skozi zgodovino smo bili priča nekaterim res groznim opravičilom.

From classic non-apologies to evasive excuses,

Od klasičnih neopravičil do izmikajočih se izgovorov

and flimsy corporate promises,

ter medlih podjetniških obljub.

it’s all too easy to give a bad apology.

Slabo opravičilo je tako enostavna pot.

But researchers have found that good apologies generally share certain elements

A raziskovalci so ugotovili, da imajo dobra opravičila dosti skupnega

and thoughtfully considering these factors can help you make amends

in da njihovo upoštevanje lahko pomaga pri reševanju

in a wide variety of situations.

različnih zagat.

Since public apologies have their own unique complications,

Ker imajo javna opravičila svoje lastne zapletene lastnosti,

we’re going to focus on some person-to-person examples.

se bomo osredotočili na medosebne primere.

So, picture this: your new office has free ice cream sandwiches

Predstavljajte si, da ima vaša nova služba v skupnem hladilniku

in the communal fridge—

zastonj sladoled

or at least that’s what you thought.

oziroma da vsaj vi tako mislite.

But on Friday, when you’re helping your co-worker Terence

A neki petek, ko kolegu Terencu pomagate

set up another colleague's birthday party,

organizirati rojstnodnevno zabavo,

he finds that half the ice cream he bought for the celebration is gone.

Terence ugotovi, da pol sladoleda, ki ga je nabavil, manjka.

While this is obviously an embarrassing accident,

To je seveda neprijetna nezgoda,

coming forward and apologizing is still the right thing to do.

ampak vseeno je prav, da se opravičite.

Understanding and accepting responsibility for your actions

Razumeti in sprejeti odgovornost za svoja dejanja

is what some researchers call the “centerpiece of an apology.”

nekateri raziskovalci imenujejo tudi “bistvo opravičila”.

But it’s okay if this feels difficult and vulnerable— it’s supposed to be!

In nič ni narobe, če se pri tem počutite neprijetno in ranljvo - tako mora biti!

The costly nature of apologies is part of what makes them meaningful.

Opravičila so draga in deloma so zato tudi pomenljiva.

So while you might be tempted to defend your actions as accidental,

Čeprav bi vas mikalo svoje dejanje pojasniti kot nenamerno,

it’s important to remember that a good apology

je treba vedeti, da dobro opravičilo ni namenjeno temu,

isn’t about making you feel better.

da se boste vi počutili bolje.

It’s about seeking to understand the perspective of the wronged party

Gre za to, da poskušamo razumeti vidik druge strani

and repair the damage to your relationship.

ter popraviti škodo, ki smo jo naredili odnosu z drugim.

This means that while clarifying your intentions non-defensively can be helpful,

Pojasnilo, da je bila stvar nenamerna, lahko pomaga,

your mistake being an accident shouldn’t absolve you from offering

ampak to nas še ne odveže od

a sincere apology.

iskrenega opravičila.

But what if your mistake wasn’t an accident?

Kaj pa če vaša napaka ni bila nenamerna?

Consider this:

Zamislite si tole:

you promised your friend Marie that you’ll attend her championship football match.

prijateljici Marie ste obljubili, da boste šli na njeno nogometno tekmo.

But another friend just called to offer you an extra ticket

A drug prijatelj vas ravno pokliče in vam ponudi vstopnico

for your favorite musician's farewell tour.

za poslovilno turnejo vašega najljubšega benda.

You know this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance,

Veste, da je to enkratna priložnost

and you can’t pass it up.

in da je ne smete zamuditi.

Plus, you figure Marie wouldn’t mind if you miss the game—

Menite tudi, da Marie ne bo užaljena, če ne boste šli na tekmo,

she always has plenty of fans supporting her.

saj ima vedno veliko podpornikov.

But the next day, Marie tells you she was really hurt

Naslednji dan vam Marie pove, da je bila zelo prizadeta,

when she didn’t see you in the crowd.

ker vas ni videla v množici.

You feel terrible for upsetting her and genuinely want to apologize.

Grozno se počutite in se res želite opravičiti.

But while you regret hurting Marie,

A čeprav vam je žal, da ste prizadeli Marie,

you’re not actually sure if you made the wrong choice.

niste prepričani, da ste se narobe odločili.

So how can you reach beyond that terrible non-apology,

Kako se lahko izognete tistemu groznemu neopravičilu:

“I’m sorry YOU feel this way”?

“Žal mi je, da TI tako čutiš“?

In situations like this, it can be easy to focus on rationalizing your actions

V takih situacijah je enostavno racionalizirati svoja dejanja,

when you should be working to understand the other person’s perspective.

čeprav bi morali poskušati razumeti perspektivo druge osebe.

Consider asking Marie how you made them feel

Morda vprašajte Marie, kako se počuti,

to better understand your offense.

da bi bolje razumeli svojo napako.

In this case, Marie might explain that she was disappointed

Marie bo morda pojasnila, da je bila razočarana,

you broke your promise,

ker niste držali obljube,

and she was really counting on your support.

in da je upala na vašo podporo.

This kind of clarity can help you recognize your wrongdoing

Tako vam bo bolj jasno, kaj je bilo narobe

and honestly accept how your actions caused harm.

in boste sprejeli dejstvo, da ste nekoga prizadeli.

Then you can frame your apology around addressing her concerns,

Potem lahko svoje opravičilo usmerite v njena občutja,

perhaps by admitting that it was wrong of you to break your promise,

denimo tako da priznate, da ni bilo prav prelomiti obljube

and you're sorry you weren't there for her.

in da vam je žal, da niste bili ob njej.

Clearly acknowledging wrongdoing indicates that you know

Priznanje napake pokaže, da veste,

exactly how you messed up,

pri čem ste narobe ravnali,

and it can give Marie faith that you’ll behave differently moving forward.

in Marie lahko potem verjame, da boste naslednjič ravnali drugače.

But it’s always helpful to indicate exactly how you’ll change

Vedno je dobro nakazati, kako boste ravnali drugače

and what you’ll do to repair the damage caused by your offense.

in kaj boste storili, da odpravite škodo, ki ste jo povzročili.

Researchers call this the “offer of repair,”

Raziskovalci to imenujejo “ponudba za popravilo”

and it's often rated as one of the most critical parts of an apology.

in je pogosto eden ključnih delov opravičila.

In some cases, these gestures are straightforward,

Včasih so te geste enostavne,

like offering to replace the ice cream you eat.

recimo nadomestiti sladoled, ki ste ga pojedli.

However, with less tangible transgressions,

Pri manj oprijemljivih prekrških

this might need to be more symbolic,

pa morajo morda biti bolj simbolične,

like expressing your love and respect for someone you wronged.

recimo pokazati ljubezen in spoštovanje do osebe, ki ste jo prizadeli.

One common offer of repair is a verbal commitment

Tipična “ponudba za popravilo” je ustna obljuba,

not to make the same mistake again,

da ne boste ponovili napake,

but promising to do better only works if you actually do better.

ampak takih obljub se je potem treba držati.

Taking the victim’s perspective, accepting responsibility,

Uvideti perspektivo žrtve, sprejeti odgovornost

and making concrete offers of repair

in ponuditi konkretna popravila

are just a few of the elements of a good apology.

je le nekaj elementov dobrega opravičila.

But remember, apologies aren’t about getting forgiveness and moving on;

A vedite, opravičila niso samo za to, da nam odpustijo in to je to,

they’re about expressing remorse and accepting accountability.

morajo biti tudi izkaz obžalovanja in sprejem odgovornosti.

And the best apologies are just the first step

Najboljša opravičila so samo prvi korak

on the road to reconciliation.

na poti k spravi.