The best way to apologize (according to science)

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Helen Chang

Over the years, people have come up with some truly awful apologies.

這些年來，人們想出了 一些真的很糟的道歉方式。

From classic non-apologies to evasive excuses,

從經典的沒歉意形式道歉， 到迴避式藉口，

and flimsy corporate promises,

以及輕薄的企業承諾，

it’s all too easy to give a bad apology.

要把道歉做爛實在太容易了。

But researchers have found that good apologies generally share certain elements

但研究者發現，好的道歉 有一些共通的元素。

and thoughtfully considering these factors can help you make amends

仔細思考這些因素，

能協助你在許多不同狀況中賠罪。

in a wide variety of situations.

Since public apologies have their own unique complications,

因為公開道歉有其本身 獨特的複雜度，

we’re going to focus on some person-to-person examples.

我們會把焦點放在人對人的例子上。

So, picture this: your new office has free ice cream sandwiches

想像一下：

你新辦公室裡的共用冰箱中 有免費的冰淇淋三明治——

in the communal fridge—

or at least that’s what you thought.

或者，至少你這麼認為。

But on Friday, when you’re helping your co-worker Terence

但，星期五，當你在協助同事泰倫斯

set up another colleague's birthday party,

準備另一位同事的生日派對時，

he finds that half the ice cream he bought for the celebration is gone.

他發現他為了生日慶祝 而買的冰淇淋不見了一半。

While this is obviously an embarrassing accident,

雖然很明顯，這是個尷尬的意外，

coming forward and apologizing is still the right thing to do.

站出來並道歉仍然是你該做的事。

Understanding and accepting responsibility for your actions

有些研究者把「了解並接受 你的行為所連帶的責任」稱為

is what some researchers call the “centerpiece of an apology.”

「道歉的核心」。

But it’s okay if this feels difficult and vulnerable— it’s supposed to be!

但如果你覺得很困難 且沒安全感，也沒關係——

本來就該如此。

The costly nature of apologies is part of what makes them meaningful.

道歉之所以有意義，部分原因 就是它要付出代價的本質。

So while you might be tempted to defend your actions as accidental,

雖然你可能會很想要辯護 說你的行為是意外，

it’s important to remember that a good apology

但很重要的是要記住，好的道歉

isn’t about making you feel better.

重點並不在於讓你感覺好過些。

It’s about seeking to understand the perspective of the wronged party

道歉的重點在於 設法了解受害方的觀點，

and repair the damage to your relationship.

並修復你們受損的關係。

This means that while clarifying your intentions non-defensively can be helpful,

這意味著，以非防禦式的方式 澄清你的意圖可能很有助益，

your mistake being an accident shouldn’t absolve you from offering

但你的錯誤是無心之過

並不表示你就不用誠心道歉。

a sincere apology.

But what if your mistake wasn’t an accident?

但如果你的錯誤不是意外呢？

Consider this:

想想這個狀況：

you promised your friend Marie that you’ll attend her championship football match.

你答應你的朋友茉莉說 你會去看她的足球冠軍賽。

But another friend just called to offer you an extra ticket

但另一位朋友剛打來， 要把多的票給你，

for your favorite musician's farewell tour.

讓你去聽你最愛的音樂家的 告別巡迴音樂會。

You know this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance,

你知道這樣的機會一生只有一次，

and you can’t pass it up.

你不能錯失。

Plus, you figure Marie wouldn’t mind if you miss the game—

此外，你認為茉莉不會 介意你錯過比賽——

she always has plenty of fans supporting her.

她一直都有很多支持她的粉絲。

But the next day, Marie tells you she was really hurt

但，隔天，茉莉告訴你她很受傷，

when she didn’t see you in the crowd.

因為她在群眾中沒看到你。

You feel terrible for upsetting her and genuinely want to apologize.

知道你讓她失望後，你感覺糟透了，

且真的想要道歉。

But while you regret hurting Marie,

但，雖然你後悔傷害了茉莉，

you’re not actually sure if you made the wrong choice.

但你卻不確定你的決定有錯。

So how can you reach beyond that terrible non-apology,

所以，你要如何才能不只是做 那種沒歉意的形式道歉

“I’m sorry YOU feel this way”?

「我很抱歉你有這樣的感受」？

In situations like this, it can be easy to focus on rationalizing your actions

在這種情況中，很容易就會把 焦點放在將你的行為合理化，

when you should be working to understand the other person’s perspective.

但其實你應該要做的 是去了解對方的觀點。

Consider asking Marie how you made them feel

你可以考慮問茉莉， 你讓她有什麼感受？

to better understand your offense.

這樣可以更了解你造成的冒犯。

In this case, Marie might explain that she was disappointed

在這個例子中，

茉莉可能會解釋說她對於 你沒有信守承諾感到失望，

you broke your promise,

and she was really counting on your support.

且她真的很需要你的支持。

This kind of clarity can help you recognize your wrongdoing

這種澄清方式，能協助你 了解你做錯了什麼，

and honestly accept how your actions caused harm.

並坦誠接受你的行為 會如何造成傷害。

Then you can frame your apology around addressing her concerns,

接著，你在設計你的道歉時， 可以著重處理她在意的點，

perhaps by admitting that it was wrong of you to break your promise,

也許可以承認你沒有 信守承諾是不對的，

and you're sorry you weren't there for her.

且你很抱歉你沒到場支持她。

Clearly acknowledging wrongdoing indicates that you know

清楚承認做錯的事，表示 你確切知道你怎麼搞砸的，

exactly how you messed up,

and it can give Marie faith that you’ll behave differently moving forward.

且這樣能讓茉莉有信心，

相信未來你會改變做法。

But it’s always helpful to indicate exactly how you’ll change

但，通常很有幫助的是 明確指出你會如何改變，

and what you’ll do to repair the damage caused by your offense.

以及你會做什麼來修復 你的冒犯所造成的傷害。

Researchers call this the “offer of repair,”

研究者稱之為「修復提議」，

and it's often rated as one of the most critical parts of an apology.

它通常被評為道歉 最重要的元素之一。

In some cases, these gestures are straightforward,

在某些情況中， 修復的表現方式很直接，

like offering to replace the ice cream you eat.

比如，把被你吃掉的 冰淇淋重新補齊。

However, with less tangible transgressions,

然而，如果過錯沒有那麼實質，

this might need to be more symbolic,

修復可能也會更屬於象徵性，

like expressing your love and respect for someone you wronged.

比如，對你傷害的人 表達你的愛與尊重。

One common offer of repair is a verbal commitment

一種常見的修復提議， 是口頭的承諾，

not to make the same mistake again,

保證不重蹈覆轍，

but promising to do better only works if you actually do better.

但，「保證你會做得更好」

只有在你真的做得更好時才行得通。

Taking the victim’s perspective, accepting responsibility,

站在受害者的角度、接受責任，

and making concrete offers of repair

並做出具體的修復提議

are just a few of the elements of a good apology.

只是好的道歉的少數幾個元素。

But remember, apologies aren’t about getting forgiveness and moving on;

但，切記，道歉的重點不在於 被原諒和繼續過日子。

they’re about expressing remorse and accepting accountability.

重點在於表達後悔 以及接受你應該要負責。

And the best apologies are just the first step

而最佳的道歉，

也不過是通往和好之路的第一步。

on the road to reconciliation.