The best way to apologize (according to science)

Translator: Aubrey Cheng Reviewer: Shelley Tsang 曾雯海

Over the years, people have come up with some truly awful apologies.

咁多年嚟， 人類諗出咗啲好爛嘅道歉方式

From classic non-apologies to evasive excuses,

由經典嘅冇歉意式道歉， 到迴避式藉口，

and flimsy corporate promises,

以及口輕輕嘅企業承諾，

it’s all too easy to give a bad apology.

求求其其講對唔住， 實在係太容易

But researchers have found that good apologies generally share certain elements

但有研究員發現 高質嘅道歉一般包含共同元素，

and thoughtfully considering these factors can help you make amends

細心思考下呢啲因素可以幫你

in a wide variety of situations.

喺多種情況下道歉

Since public apologies have their own unique complications,

由於公開道歉有佢自己獨特嘅複雜性

we’re going to focus on some person-to-person examples.

我哋會專注喺人對人嘅例子

So, picture this: your new office has free ice cream sandwiches

試諗下：你新辦公室擺咗啲免費雪糕三文治

in the communal fridge—

喺共用嘅雪櫃入面—

or at least that’s what you thought.

至少你係咁以為啦

But on Friday, when you’re helping your co-worker Terence

但到咗禮拜五， 當你幫緊你個同事泰倫斯

set up another colleague's birthday party,

搞緊另一個同事嘅生日派對嗰陣

he finds that half the ice cream he bought for the celebration is gone.

佢發現之前為個派對而買嘅雪糕三文治 有一半唔見咗

While this is obviously an embarrassing accident,

呢個當然係一件尷尬嘅意外啦

coming forward and apologizing is still the right thing to do.

不過依然係要企出嚟道歉， 咁先啱嘅

Understanding and accepting responsibility for your actions

了解同埋接受你嘅行為帶嚟嘅責任

is what some researchers call the “centerpiece of an apology.”

就係研究員所講嘅「道歉嘅核心」

But it’s okay if this feels difficult and vulnerable— it’s supposed to be!

覺得好艱難同埋冇安全感都好正常 —因為原意就係咁！

The costly nature of apologies is part of what makes them meaningful.

道歉嚟得有意義， 部分原因就係佢要付出代價嘅本質

So while you might be tempted to defend your actions as accidental,

所以當你試圖為自己嘅行為 狡辯為意外嗰陣

it’s important to remember that a good apology

記住高質嘅道歉非常重要

isn’t about making you feel better.

並唔係要令你自我感覺良好

It’s about seeking to understand the perspective of the wronged party

而係要喺受害一方嘅觀點去了解

and repair the damage to your relationship.

同修補你段關係之間嘅裂痕

This means that while clarifying your intentions non-defensively can be helpful,

即係話唔係為咗維護自己 而澄清自己嘅意圖會幫到你

your mistake being an accident shouldn’t absolve you from offering

你嘅錯誤只係無心之失 唔代表你唔使同對方

a sincere apology.

真誠咁道歉

But what if your mistake wasn’t an accident?

但如果你嘅失誤唔係一個意外？

Consider this:

試諗下：

you promised your friend Marie that you’ll attend her championship football match.

你應承咗你朋友瑪莉 會去睇佢踢波嘅冠軍戰

But another friend just called to offer you an extra ticket

但另一個朋友啱啱打俾你 話你知佢有多張飛俾你

for your favorite musician's farewell tour.

係你最愛嘅音樂人嘅告別巡迴演唱會

You know this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance,

你知道呢個係一個千載難逢嘅機會

and you can’t pass it up.

根本冇可能唔去

Plus, you figure Marie wouldn’t mind if you miss the game—

再講，你覺得瑪莉唔會介意你唔去睇佢

she always has plenty of fans supporting her.

反正佢有好多粉絲撐佢

But the next day, Marie tells you she was really hurt

但係到咗第二日 瑪莉同你講佢好心傷

when she didn’t see you in the crowd.

因為當日佢喺人海中見唔到你

You feel terrible for upsetting her and genuinely want to apologize.

搞到佢咁傷心，你覺得自己好衰 想真誠咁向佢道歉

But while you regret hurting Marie,

喺你後悔傷害到瑪莉嗰陣

you’re not actually sure if you made the wrong choice.

實在你唔係好清楚 自己究竟有冇做錯咗決定

So how can you reach beyond that terrible non-apology,

咁要點講先唔似 嗰個好爛嘅冇歉意式道歉

“I’m sorry YOU feel this way”?

「對唔住，搞到你咁唔開心」呢？

In situations like this, it can be easy to focus on rationalizing your actions

喺呢啲情況， 好容易會專注咗喺將自己嘅行為合理化

when you should be working to understand the other person’s perspective.

反而應該要喺對方嘅角度出發 嘗試去了解對方

Consider asking Marie how you made them feel

試下問下瑪莉嘅感受

to better understand your offense.

先可以好好明白自己做錯啲乜

In this case, Marie might explain that she was disappointed

就呢件事上 瑪莉應該解釋番佢好失望

you broke your promise,

因為你冇口齒

and she was really counting on your support.

而佢真係好需要你撐佢

This kind of clarity can help you recognize your wrongdoing

呢種澄清方式， 可以幫你認清自己嘅過錯

and honestly accept how your actions caused harm.

同埋坦誠咁接受你嘅行為 所帶嚟嘅傷害

Then you can frame your apology around addressing her concerns,

然後你可以將你嘅道歉 專注番喺佢介懷嘅地方

perhaps by admitting that it was wrong of you to break your promise,

即係承認唔守信用係你唔啱

and you're sorry you weren't there for her.

你亦為冇去支持佢而感到抱歉

Clearly acknowledging wrongdoing indicates that you know

坦白承認錯誤，表示你知道

exactly how you messed up,

自己錯咗啲乜

and it can give Marie faith that you’ll behave differently moving forward.

同時令瑪莉相信 你喺將來會有脫胎換骨嘅表現

But it’s always helpful to indicate exactly how you’ll change

通常好有幫助嘅係 能夠展現自己改變咗啲乜

and what you’ll do to repair the damage caused by your offense.

同埋你會做啲咩去彌補 自己犯嘅錯所造成嘅傷害

Researchers call this the “offer of repair,”

研究員稱之為「彌補提議」

and it's often rated as one of the most critical parts of an apology.

呢個被評為係 道歉其中一個最重要嘅部分

In some cases, these gestures are straightforward,

喺某啲情況，呢啲舉動好直接

like offering to replace the ice cream you eat.

例如主動買番你食咗嘅雪糕三文治

However, with less tangible transgressions,

但係，如果過錯冇咁實質

this might need to be more symbolic,

咁就可能要多啲象徵意義

like expressing your love and respect for someone you wronged.

例如向你對唔住嘅人 表達番愛意同尊重

One common offer of repair is a verbal commitment

口頭承諾係一個常見嘅彌補提議

not to make the same mistake again,

唔好再犯同樣嘅錯誤

but promising to do better only works if you actually do better.

但保證會做好啲 係你真係要做淂好啲先行得通

Taking the victim’s perspective, accepting responsibility,

以受害者角度去接受責任

and making concrete offers of repair

同埋主動提出具體嘅彌補方案

are just a few of the elements of a good apology.

都只係高質道歉嘅幾種元素

But remember, apologies aren’t about getting forgiveness and moving on;

但謹記，道歉嘅重點 唔係尋求原諒然後繼續生活

they’re about expressing remorse and accepting accountability.

而係要表示悔意同接受問責

And the best apologies are just the first step

最佳道歉亦只係

on the road to reconciliation.

通往和解之路嘅第一步㗎咋