How some friendships last — and others don’t - Iseult Gillespie

Translator: Hao In Kam Reviewer: Aubrey Cheng

In a 2008 study,

喺2008年嘅一個研究中

psychologists asked participants to rate the steepness of a hill.

心理學家要求參加者對山丘嘅斜度評分

Those who were accompanied by a good friend

對比起一啲得自己一個嘅參加者，

judged the hill to be less steep than people who were alone.

有好朋友陪伴嘅人認為山丘更平緩

This is just one of many ways friendships can change how we see and move

呢個只係其中一個證明到 友情會影響我哋嘅視野同行為嘅方法

through the world.

Friendships can boost our academic performance,

友情可以提升我哋嘅學術表現

help us deal with setbacks, and even improve our health.

幫我哋面對挫折，甚至令我哋更健康

And the relationships we form in our childhood and teenage years

嗰啲喺童年同青少年階段建立嘅關係

can shape our beliefs, values, and emotional growth.

可以塑造我哋嘅信仰、價值觀同情緒表達

It's clear that friendships are important,

好明顯友情喺重要嘅

but making and maintaining friends isn't always easy.

但係建立同維繫友誼一啲都唔容易

Let's start at the beginning.

等我哋由頭講起

If you struggle with approaching new people, you are far from alone.

如果覺得認識新朋友好難，你並唔孤單

In a series of studies, participants had conversations of varying lengths

喺一系列嘅研究中， 參加者要同幾個陌生人傾唔同長度嘅偈

with strangers.

Afterward, they were asked to estimate how much they thought

之後佢哋要估計每個陌生人有幾鍾意自己

each stranger liked them.

Across the board, participants rated their own likability

參加者對自己受歡迎程度嘅全面評分

much lower than others had actually rated them.

比其他人實際畀佢哋嘅評分低好多

Scientists dubbed this tendency to underestimate how much others

科學家將呢種低估其他人 有幾享受同自己相處嘅現象稱為

enjoy our company as the “liking gap.”

「好感度落差」

So, before meeting new people,

所以喺認識新朋友之前

it may be helpful to psych yourself up

不妨幫自己打打氣

and remember that others like you more than you think.

仲要記住，其他人其實比你諗嘅更鍾意你

You may even want to enter these conversations assuming

你亦可以喺開始傾偈前假設對方會鍾意你

that the other person will like you.

Known as the “acceptance prophecy,”

呢種被叫做「接納預言」

psychologists find that when people expect to be well-liked,

心理學家發現當人預期自己會受歡迎時

they often unknowingly come across as warmer and friendlier.

佢哋一般會唔自覺表現得更親和、更友善

And the more new people you meet, the more confident you’ll likely feel.

隨住你見得越多人，就會變得更從容自信

In one study, people who talked to just one new person each day for a week

喺一個研究入面

一星期內每日都同一個陌生人傾偈嘅人

reported feeling less afraid of rejection,

表示佢哋對被拒絕嘅恐懼感減少

more secure in their conversational skills,

對自己嘅交談技巧更有信心

and more excited to meet new people overall.

同時對於識新朋友感到更加興奮

Next, what’s happening when relationships grow from casual acquaintances

當關係由普通認識變為摯友時會點？

to confidants?

Psychologists have identified two key features of more intimate friendships:

心理學家發現咗更親密友誼嘅 兩個主要特徵：

companionship and closeness.

陪伴同親密感

Companionship is defined as the rapport or understanding

陪伴指嘅係同有相似嗜好、 興趣或價值觀嘅人之間

that blooms between people with similar hobbies, interests, or values.

建立嘅融洽關係或理解

Sometimes, just being in the same class or team is enough

有時淨係同班、同隊已夠建立呢種聯繫

to build this connection.

And companionship has many benefits—

陪伴有好多好處

it’s been shown to improve self-esteem and increase our resilience to stress.

研究顯示，佢可以提升自信、 增加個人抗壓力

Closeness, on the other hand, looks different for every relationship.

另一方面，親密感喺唔同嘅關係中 可以有唔同嘅表現

It might mean supporting each other through difficult times

佢可以代表喺困境中互相支持

or feeling comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings.

或者坦然分享個人諗法同感受

But not every friendship has to get deeply personal, especially at first.

又唔係每段友誼都要深入發展， 特別係啱啱開始時

Simply telling a friend about your day or sharing your interests

純粹同朋友分享自己嘅日常、興趣， 都有助建立親密感

can help build closeness.

While every friendship develops on its own timeline,

雖然每段友誼都有自己嘅發展步伐

consistency can help,

保持穩定嘅聯繫會有所幫助

which can include sticking to plans, chatting regularly,

例如堅持約定、時常傾計

and remembering the things that are important to each other.

同埋記住對方重視嘅事

This holds true even for long-distance friendships.

即使係異地友誼都同樣適用

Chatting and texting can keep these relationships strong—

傾偈同發訊息可維繫更緊密關係

as long as they remain intimate, trusting, and consistent.

只要保持親密、信任同穩定

Yet even the closest friendships hit rough patches.

但即使係最親密嘅友誼都會遇到困難

This is especially true for teenage friendships,

特別容易發生喺青少年之間嘅友誼

when people often navigate different types of challenges for the first time.

當人經常第一次面對唔同類型嘅挑戰

For example, there might be a situation that puts two friends in competition—

例如會出現令好朋友變競爭關係嘅情況

like applying to the same college.

比如申請同一間大學

One might betray the other's confidence or make a hurtful comment.

可能會出現背叛或講出傷人嘅說話

And these relationships can also falter when one person feels unable or unwilling

呢啲關係都會出現問題， 當其中一方覺得無法或者

to support the other through challenging situations—

唔想支持對方渡過難關時

like breakups, illnesses, or personal tragedies.

好比係分手、生病或其他個人困難

The most surefire way to deal with rifts is to talk about them.

解決矛盾最可靠嘅方法就係坦白傾偈

These conversations can be tough and awkward.

呢啲對話可能會好艱難同尷尬

But if they’re approached in the right way,

但係如果用啱嘅方法處理

they can strengthen friendships in the long run.

長遠嚟講可以令友誼更加堅固

Before these difficult conversations,

喺展開呢啲艱難對話之前

try to remind yourselves to show up without judgment.

記得唔好帶住偏見

Avoid getting too defensive or making accusations—

避免太過有戒心或者指責對方

instead, share how the situation is making you feel and invite them to do the same.

而係分享你對件事有咩感受， 並邀請對方都噉做

Some friendships naturally come to an end.

有啲友誼自然會走到盡頭

Others change.

有啲會改變

Whether new buddies or lifelong pals,

無論係新朋友仔定係人生摯友

all friendships can benefit from building healthy habits.

所有友誼都可以透過建立健康嘅習慣得益

And it’s never too late to make a new friend.

而且，識新朋友永遠都唔會太遲