How some friendships last — and others don’t - Iseult Gillespie

翻译人员: Connie Zhao 校对人员: Ricardo Cornejo Avila

In a 2008 study,

在2008年的一项研究中，

psychologists asked participants to rate the steepness of a hill.

心理学家要求参与者 对山丘的陡度进行评分。

Those who were accompanied by a good friend

那些有好朋友陪同的人

judged the hill to be less steep than people who were alone.

认为这座山没有独自一人的人那么陡峭。

This is just one of many ways friendships can change how we see and move

这只是友谊可以改变我们看待和

through the world.

穿越世界的方式的众多方式之一。

Friendships can boost our academic performance,

友谊可以提高我们的学习成绩，

help us deal with setbacks, and even improve our health.

帮助我们应对挫折，甚至改善我们的健康状况。

And the relationships we form in our childhood and teenage years

我们在童年和青少年时期形成的关系

can shape our beliefs, values, and emotional growth.

可以塑造我们的信念、价值观和情感成长。

It's clear that friendships are important,

很明显，友谊很重要，

but making and maintaining friends isn't always easy.

但是结交和保持朋友并不总是那么容易。

Let's start at the beginning.

让我们从头开始。

If you struggle with approaching new people, you are far from alone.

如果您在结识新朋友方面遇到困难， 那么您并不孤单。

In a series of studies, participants had conversations of varying lengths

在一系列研究中，参与者

with strangers.

与陌生人进行了不同长度的对话。

Afterward, they were asked to estimate how much they thought

之后，他们被要求估计他们认为

each stranger liked them.

每个陌生人有多喜欢他们。

Across the board, participants rated their own likability

总体而言，参与者对自己的好感度的评价

much lower than others had actually rated them.

远低于其他人对他们的实际评价。

Scientists dubbed this tendency to underestimate how much others

科学家们将这种低估其他人对我们公司的

enjoy our company as the “liking gap.”

喜好程度的趋势称为 “喜好差距”。

So, before meeting new people,

因此，在结识新朋友之前，

it may be helpful to psych yourself up

振作起来，

and remember that others like you more than you think.

记住其他人比你想象的 更喜欢你可能会有所帮助。

You may even want to enter these conversations assuming

你甚至可能想进入这些对话，

that the other person will like you.

假设对方会喜欢你。

Known as the “acceptance prophecy,”

被稱為 “接受預言” 的

psychologists find that when people expect to be well-liked,

心理学家被称为 “接受预言”，他们发现， 当人们期望得到好评时，

they often unknowingly come across as warmer and friendlier.

他们往往会在不知不觉中表现得更温暖、更友好。

And the more new people you meet, the more confident you’ll likely feel.

而且，你遇到的新朋友越多，你可能会感到越自信。

In one study, people who talked to just one new person each day for a week

在一项研究中，一周内每天只与一个新朋友交谈的人

reported feeling less afraid of rejection,

报告说，他们不那么害怕被拒绝，对话技巧

more secure in their conversational skills,

更加安全，总体而言，

and more excited to meet new people overall.

结识新朋友更加兴奋。

Next, what’s happening when relationships grow from casual acquaintances

接下来，当人际关系从偶然的熟人发展成知己时

to confidants?

会发生什么？

Psychologists have identified two key features of more intimate friendships:

心理学家已经确定了更亲密友谊的两个关键特征：

companionship and closeness.

友谊和亲密关系。

Companionship is defined as the rapport or understanding

陪伴关系被定义为具有相似爱好，

that blooms between people with similar hobbies, interests, or values.

兴趣或价值观的人之间形成的融洽关系或理解。

Sometimes, just being in the same class or team is enough

有时，只要在同一个班级或团队中就足

to build this connection.

以建立这种联系。

And companionship has many benefits—

陪伴有很多好处——事实证明，

it’s been shown to improve self-esteem and increase our resilience to stress.

它可以提高自尊心并增强我们对压力的抵御能力。

Closeness, on the other hand, looks different for every relationship.

另一方面，每种关系的亲密关系看起来都不一样。

It might mean supporting each other through difficult times

这可能意味着在困难时期互相支持，

or feeling comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings.

或者乐于分享自己的想法和感受。

But not every friendship has to get deeply personal, especially at first.

但是，并非每一次友谊都必须是深刻的个人化的， 尤其是刚开始的时候。

Simply telling a friend about your day or sharing your interests

简单地将您的一天告诉朋友或分享您的兴趣

can help build closeness.

可以帮助建立亲密关系。

While every friendship develops on its own timeline,

虽然每一次友谊都有自己的时间表发展，

consistency can help,

但一致性会有所帮助，

which can include sticking to plans, chatting regularly,

这可能包括坚持计划、定期聊天

and remembering the things that are important to each other.

以及记住彼此重要的事情。

This holds true even for long-distance friendships.

即使是长途友谊也是如此。

Chatting and texting can keep these relationships strong—

聊天和发短信可以使这些关系保持牢固——

as long as they remain intimate, trusting, and consistent.

只要它们保持亲密、信任和一致即可。

Yet even the closest friendships hit rough patches.

然而，即使是最亲密的友谊也遇到了艰难的时期。

This is especially true for teenage friendships,

when people often navigate different types of challenges for the first time.

那时人们通常会第一次应对不同类型的挑战。

For example, there might be a situation that puts two friends in competition—

例如，可能会出现让两个朋友竞争的情况，

like applying to the same college.

比如申请同一所大学。

One might betray the other's confidence or make a hurtful comment.

一个人可能会背叛对方的信心或发表伤害性的评论。

And these relationships can also falter when one person feels unable or unwilling

而且，当一个人感到无法或不愿

to support the other through challenging situations—

在充满挑战的情况下

like breakups, illnesses, or personal tragedies.

例如分手、疾病或个人悲剧中，支持对方时， 这些关系也会步履蹒跚。

The most surefire way to deal with rifts is to talk about them.

处理分歧的最可靠方法是谈论它们。

These conversations can be tough and awkward.

这些对话可能既艰难又尴尬。

But if they’re approached in the right way,

但是，如果以正确的方式对待

they can strengthen friendships in the long run.

他们，从长远来看，他们可以加强友谊。

Before these difficult conversations,

在这些艰难的对话之前，

try to remind yourselves to show up without judgment.

试着提醒自己不要带任何判断力地露面。

Avoid getting too defensive or making accusations—

避免过于防御或提出指控，

instead, share how the situation is making you feel and invite them to do the same.

而是分享情况给 你的感受，并邀请他们也这样做。

Some friendships naturally come to an end.

一些友谊自然就结束了。

Others change.

其他人会改变。

Whether new buddies or lifelong pals,

无论是新朋友还是终身朋友，

all friendships can benefit from building healthy habits.

所有友谊都可以从养成健康的习惯中受益。

And it’s never too late to make a new friend.

而且结交新朋友永远不会太晚。