How some friendships last — and others don’t - Iseult Gillespie

譯者: Zoe Walmsley 審譯者: 麗玲 辛

In a 2008 study,

2008 年的一項研究中，

psychologists asked participants to rate the steepness of a hill.

心理學家請參與者 評估某座山坡的陡峭程度。

Those who were accompanied by a good friend

同一座山，在那些有好友陪伴的人眼中

judged the hill to be less steep than people who were alone.

比單獨參與者的眼中比較不陡。

This is just one of many ways friendships can change how we see and move

這只是友誼可以改變人們 看待世間事物的許多面向之一。

through the world.

Friendships can boost our academic performance,

友誼可以提高我們的學業表現，

help us deal with setbacks, and even improve our health.

幫助我們面對逆境， 甚至改善我們的健康。

And the relationships we form in our childhood and teenage years

而我們在童年和青少年時期交的朋友

can shape our beliefs, values, and emotional growth.

可以塑造我們的信念、價值觀和情商。

It's clear that friendships are important,

顯而易見，友誼很重要，

but making and maintaining friends isn't always easy.

但結交和維持朋友關係 並不總是那麼容易。

Let's start at the beginning.

讓我們從頭說起。

If you struggle with approaching new people, you are far from alone.

你可能覺得結交新朋友很難， 其實很多人跟你一樣。

In a series of studies, participants had conversations of varying lengths

在一系列研究中，參與者先被要求 與陌生人進行長短不一的對話。

with strangers.

Afterward, they were asked to estimate how much they thought

然後再評估每個陌生人 喜歡他們的程度。

each stranger liked them.

Across the board, participants rated their own likability

整體來說，參與者對 自己討人喜歡的評價

much lower than others had actually rated them.

遠比其他人實際的評價低得多。

Scientists dubbed this tendency to underestimate how much others

科學家將這種低估其他人 喜不喜歡跟我們在一起的傾向

enjoy our company as the “liking gap.”

稱為「喜好鴻溝」。

So, before meeting new people,

因此，在結識新朋友之前，

it may be helpful to psych yourself up

或許可以幫自己打打氣，

and remember that others like you more than you think.

並記住別人對你的喜愛程度 遠比你自己想像的多。

You may even want to enter these conversations assuming

你甚至可以在開始對話前

就假設對方會喜歡你。

that the other person will like you.

Known as the “acceptance prophecy,”

心理學家說的「接納預言」是：

psychologists find that when people expect to be well-liked,

當人們預期自己會受到別人的喜愛時，

they often unknowingly come across as warmer and friendlier.

他們往往會不自覺地 表現得更溫暖、更友善。

And the more new people you meet, the more confident you’ll likely feel.

而你認識的新朋友越多， 你就會越有信心。

In one study, people who talked to just one new person each day for a week

有個研究發現，那些連續一周， 每天都與一個新朋友交談的人，

reported feeling less afraid of rejection,

他們比較不怕遭到拒絕，

more secure in their conversational skills,

也對自己的聊天技巧更有信心，

and more excited to meet new people overall.

也更想要認識新朋友。

Next, what’s happening when relationships grow from casual acquaintances

接下來，普通朋友 又是如何發展成知己呢？

to confidants?

Psychologists have identified two key features of more intimate friendships:

心理學家發現從朋友變成密友 的兩個主要特徵是：

companionship and closeness.

同伴情誼和親近程度。

Companionship is defined as the rapport or understanding

同伴情誼指的是人與人間的融洽關係，

that blooms between people with similar hobbies, interests, or values.

且彼此有相似的嗜好、興趣或價值觀。

Sometimes, just being in the same class or team is enough

有時，甚至只是同屬一個班級 或團隊就足以建立這種連結。

to build this connection.

And companionship has many benefits—

而陪伴的好處很多──

it’s been shown to improve self-esteem and increase our resilience to stress.

目前已知可以提高自尊 並增加我們的抗壓性。

Closeness, on the other hand, looks different for every relationship.

另一方面，親近程度則因人而異。

It might mean supporting each other through difficult times

可能是兩人彼此支持度過難關，

or feeling comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings.

也可能是輕鬆自在地 分享彼此的想法和感受，

But not every friendship has to get deeply personal, especially at first.

但不要期待每段友誼都會 很深刻或親密，尤其是一開始時。

Simply telling a friend about your day or sharing your interests

簡單地分享你的一天 或聊聊彼此的興趣就可拉近彼此距離。

can help build closeness.

While every friendship develops on its own timeline,

雖然每段友誼發展快慢不一， 但連貫性或許有幫助，

consistency can help,

which can include sticking to plans, chatting regularly,

例如：做了計劃就不改變、定期聊天、

and remembering the things that are important to each other.

記住彼此在乎的事情。

This holds true even for long-distance friendships.

即使是遠距友誼也是如此。

Chatting and texting can keep these relationships strong—

聊天和簡訊可以讓關係保持牢固，

as long as they remain intimate, trusting, and consistent.

只要內容保持親密、信任和一致。

Yet even the closest friendships hit rough patches.

然而，即使是最親近的友誼 也難免遇到挫折。

This is especially true for teenage friendships,

特別是青少年時期的友誼，

when people often navigate different types of challenges for the first time.

這個階段是大家首次 碰到不同類型的挑戰。

For example, there might be a situation that puts two friends in competition—

例如，兩個好朋友必須彼此競爭……

like applying to the same college.

像是申請同一所大學。

One might betray the other's confidence or make a hurtful comment.

有可能背叛對方的信任， 或是口出傷人話語。

And these relationships can also falter when one person feels unable or unwilling

有時朋友關係也許在 碰到難關時動搖──

to support the other through challenging situations—

因為一方覺得無法 或不願支持另一方──

like breakups, illnesses, or personal tragedies.

例如分手、疾病或個人災難不幸。

The most surefire way to deal with rifts is to talk about them.

避免關係破裂最直接 有效的方法是開誠布公。

These conversations can be tough and awkward.

雖然可能會很艱難和尷尬，

But if they’re approached in the right way,

但是，談的方式如果正確，

they can strengthen friendships in the long run.

只會讓朋友關係走得更長遠。

Before these difficult conversations,

在開始這些艱難的對話前，

try to remind yourselves to show up without judgment.

試著提醒自己不要有任何評判，

Avoid getting too defensive or making accusations—

避免過於自我防衛或指責對方，

instead, share how the situation is making you feel and invite them to do the same.

而是告訴對方你對當下處境的感受， 讓對方也表達他的想法。

Some friendships naturally come to an end.

有些友誼到後來自然結束。

Others change.

有些則會改變。

Whether new buddies or lifelong pals,

無論是新朋友還是一輩子的老朋友，

all friendships can benefit from building healthy habits.

所有的友誼都能受益於一些健康習慣。

And it’s never too late to make a new friend.

而且，結交新朋友永遠不嫌晚。