The best way to apologize (according to science)

Prevodilac: Una Kavazović Lektor: Milenka Okuka

Over the years, people have come up with some truly awful apologies.

Tokom godina, ljudi su smislili neka zaista grozna izvinjenja.

From classic non-apologies to evasive excuses,

Od klasičnih praznih izvinjenja do nejasnih izgovora

and flimsy corporate promises,

i ispraznih korporativnih obećanja,

it’s all too easy to give a bad apology.

isuviše je lako uputiti loše izvinjenje.

But researchers have found that good apologies generally share certain elements

Međutim, istraživači su otkrili da dobra izvinjenja obično dele određene elemente

and thoughtfully considering these factors can help you make amends

i pažljivo razmatranje ovih faktora može pomoći da se iskupite

in a wide variety of situations.

u velikom broju različitih situacija.

Since public apologies have their own unique complications,

Pošto javna izvinjenja imaju jedinstvene komplikacije,

we’re going to focus on some person-to-person examples.

mi ćemo se fokusirati na neke primere pojedinačnih izvinjenja.

So, picture this: your new office has free ice cream sandwiches

Zamislite sledeće: vaša nova kancelarija ima besplatne sendvič sladolede

in the communal fridge—

u zajedničkom frižideru—

or at least that’s what you thought.

ili ste bar tako mislili.

But on Friday, when you’re helping your co-worker Terence

Ali u petak, dok pomažete vašem kolegi Terensu

set up another colleague's birthday party,

da spremi rođendansku zabavu za drugog kolegu,

he finds that half the ice cream he bought for the celebration is gone.

on saznaje da je pola sladoleda koji je kupio za proslavu nestalo.

While this is obviously an embarrassing accident,

Dok je ovo očigledno neprijatna slučajnost,

coming forward and apologizing is still the right thing to do.

ispravna stvar je da to priznate i izvinite se.

Understanding and accepting responsibility for your actions

Razumevanje i preuzimanje odgovornosti za vaše postupke

is what some researchers call the “centerpiece of an apology.”

je ono što neki istraživači nazivaju „fundamentom izvinjenja”.

But it’s okay if this feels difficult and vulnerable— it’s supposed to be!

U redu je ako se ovo čini teškim i ranjivim— i treba da bude!

The costly nature of apologies is part of what makes them meaningful.

To je cena koju treba platiti da bi izvinjenje bilo značajno.

So while you might be tempted to defend your actions as accidental,

Iako možete biti u iskušenju da branite vaše postupke kao slučajne,

it’s important to remember that a good apology

bitno je zapamtiti da dobro izvinjenje

isn’t about making you feel better.

ne treba da čini da se vi osećate bolje.

It’s about seeking to understand the perspective of the wronged party

Cilj je da se pokuša razumeti perspektiva povređene osobe

and repair the damage to your relationship.

i ispravi naneta šteta u vašem odnosu.

This means that while clarifying your intentions non-defensively can be helpful,

To znači da iako objašnjenje vaših namera bez odbrambenog stava može pomoći,

your mistake being an accident shouldn’t absolve you from offering

to što je vaša greška slučajna ne treba da vas zaustavi da pružite

a sincere apology.

iskreno izvinjenje.

But what if your mistake wasn’t an accident?

Ali šta ako vaša greška nije bila slučajna?

Consider this:

Zamislite sledeće:

you promised your friend Marie that you’ll attend her championship football match.

obećali ste vašoj prijateljici Mari da ćete doći na njenu fudbalsku utakmicu.

But another friend just called to offer you an extra ticket

Međutim, drugi prijatelj vas je nazvao da vam ponudi kartu

for your favorite musician's farewell tour.

za oproštajnu turneju vašeg omiljenog muzičara.

You know this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance,

Znate da je ovo šansa koja se pruža samo jednom,

and you can’t pass it up.

i ne možete je propustiti.

Plus, you figure Marie wouldn’t mind if you miss the game—

Takođe, mislite da Mari neće smetati ako propustite utakmicu—

she always has plenty of fans supporting her.

ona uvek ima dovoljno fanova koji je podržavaju.

But the next day, Marie tells you she was really hurt

Ali idućeg dana vam Mari govori da je bila jako povređena

when she didn’t see you in the crowd.

kada vas nije ugledala u publici.

You feel terrible for upsetting her and genuinely want to apologize.

Osećate se užasno što ste je uznemirili i zaista želite da se izvinite.

But while you regret hurting Marie,

Međutim, iako žalite što se povredili Mari,

you’re not actually sure if you made the wrong choice.

niste sigurni da ste zapravo pogrešili.

So how can you reach beyond that terrible non-apology,

Pa, kako da iskažete nešto što nije ono užasno prazno izvinjenje:

“I’m sorry YOU feel this way”?

„Žao mi je što se TI osećaš tako”?

In situations like this, it can be easy to focus on rationalizing your actions

U ovakvim situacijama, može biti lako fokusirati se na racionalizaciju postupaka

when you should be working to understand the other person’s perspective.

dok zapravo treba da pokušate razumeti perspektivu druge osobe.

Consider asking Marie how you made them feel

Razmislite o tome da pitate Mari kako se osećala zbog vas

to better understand your offense.

kako biste bolje razumeli vašu grešku.

In this case, Marie might explain that she was disappointed

U ovom slučaju, Mari možda objasni da je bila razočarana

you broke your promise,

zbog prekršenog obećanja,

and she was really counting on your support.

i stvarno se nadala vašoj podršci.

This kind of clarity can help you recognize your wrongdoing

Ova vrsta jasnoće može pomoći da uvidite vaše greške

and honestly accept how your actions caused harm.

i iskreno prihvatite kako su vaši postupci prouzrokovali štetu.

Then you can frame your apology around addressing her concerns,

Onda možete usmeriti vaše izvinjenje ka njenim brigama,

perhaps by admitting that it was wrong of you to break your promise,

možda priznanjem da je bilo pogrešno što ste prekršili obećanje,

and you're sorry you weren't there for her.

i da vam je žao što niste bili tu za nju.

Clearly acknowledging wrongdoing indicates that you know

Jasno priznanje grešaka ukazuje da znate

exactly how you messed up,

tačno kako ste pogrešili,

and it can give Marie faith that you’ll behave differently moving forward.

i može dati nadu Mari da ćete se ponašati drugačije u budućnosti.

But it’s always helpful to indicate exactly how you’ll change

Uvek je od pomoći i da naznačite kako ćete se to promeniti

and what you’ll do to repair the damage caused by your offense.

i šta ćete učiniti da ispravite štetu načinjenu vašim postupkom.

Researchers call this the “offer of repair,”

Istraživači ovo nazivaju „ponuda popravke”

and it's often rated as one of the most critical parts of an apology.

i često se smatra jednim od najkritičnijih elemenata izvinjenja.

In some cases, these gestures are straightforward,

U nekim slučajevima, ovi gestovi su direktni,

like offering to replace the ice cream you eat.

kao što je ponuda da zamenite sladoled koji ste pojeli.

However, with less tangible transgressions,

Međutim, sa manje opipljivim greškama,

this might need to be more symbolic,

ovo možda mora biti simbolično,

like expressing your love and respect for someone you wronged.

poput iskazivanja ljubavi i poštovanja prema onome koga ste povredili.

One common offer of repair is a verbal commitment

Jedna česta ponuda popravke je verbalno obećanje

not to make the same mistake again,

da nećete opet napraviti istu grešku,

but promising to do better only works if you actually do better.

ali obećanje da ćete biti bolji važi samo ako zaista postanete bolji.

Taking the victim’s perspective, accepting responsibility,

Pruzimanje perspektive žrtve, prihvatanje odgovornosti

and making concrete offers of repair

i stvaranje konkretnih ponuda ispravke

are just a few of the elements of a good apology.

su samo neki od elemenata dobrog izvinjenja.

But remember, apologies aren’t about getting forgiveness and moving on;

Zapamtite, izvinjenja nisu samo primanje oproštaja i nastavljanje dalje,

they’re about expressing remorse and accepting accountability.

već su izraz kajanja i prihvatanja odgovornosti.

And the best apologies are just the first step

Najbolja izvinjenja su samo prvi korak

on the road to reconciliation.

na putu ka pomirenju.