The best way to apologize (according to science)

1,390,249 views ・ 2022-12-15

TED-Ed


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翻译人员: Yip Yan Yeung 校对人员: JENNY SUN
00:06
Over the years, people have come up with some truly awful apologies.
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多年来,人们想出了一些 真正糟糕的道歉方式。
00:11
From classic non-apologies to evasive excuses,
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从糟糕的虚伪道歉到不坦率的理由,
00:15
and flimsy corporate promises,
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以及信口开河的承诺,
00:17
it’s all too easy to give a bad apology.
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要做一个糟糕的道歉太容易了。
00:21
But researchers have found that good apologies generally share certain elements
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但是,研究人员发现, 好的道歉一般都有某些要素,
00:26
and thoughtfully considering these factors can help you make amends
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深思熟虑地考虑这些因素可以帮助你
00:30
in a wide variety of situations.
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在各种情况下做出赔罪道歉。
00:33
Since public apologies have their own unique complications,
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由于公开道歉有其独特的复杂性,
00:37
we’re going to focus on some person-to-person examples.
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我们将重点关注一些 人与人之间的例子。
00:42
So, picture this: your new office has free ice cream sandwiches
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所以,想象一下:你的 新办公室的公共冰箱里
有免费的冰激凌三明治--
00:46
in the communal fridge—
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00:48
or at least that’s what you thought.
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或者至少你是这么想的。
00:50
But on Friday, when you’re helping your co-worker Terence
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但是在星期五,当你帮助 你的同事特伦斯
00:53
set up another colleague's birthday party,
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为另一位同事举办生日派对时,
00:56
he finds that half the ice cream he bought for the celebration is gone.
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他发现他为庆祝活动买的 冰淇淋已经不见了一半。
01:01
While this is obviously an embarrassing accident,
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虽然这显然是个令人尴尬的事件,
01:03
coming forward and apologizing is still the right thing to do.
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但是站出来道歉仍旧 是正确的做法。
01:07
Understanding and accepting responsibility for your actions
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理解并为自己的行为承担责任
01:11
is what some researchers call the “centerpiece of an apology.”
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是一些研究人员所说的“道歉的核心”。
01:15
But it’s okay if this feels difficult and vulnerable— it’s supposed to be!
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但如果这让人感到困难和容易受到 指责也没关系——这本该如此!
01:20
The costly nature of apologies is part of what makes them meaningful.
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道歉之所以有意义, 部分原因在于它代价高昂。
01:24
So while you might be tempted to defend your actions as accidental,
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因此,虽然你可能想为你的 认为是偶然的行为辩护,
01:28
it’s important to remember that a good apology
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但重要的是要记住,一个好的道歉
01:31
isn’t about making you feel better.
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并不是为了让你自己感觉更好。
01:34
It’s about seeking to understand the perspective of the wronged party
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它是关于寻求理解被误解方的观点
01:38
and repair the damage to your relationship.
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并修复对你们关系的损害。
01:41
This means that while clarifying your intentions non-defensively can be helpful,
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这意味着,对主动澄清你的 意图是有帮助的,
01:46
your mistake being an accident shouldn’t absolve you from offering
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同时,你的错误是一个事故, 不应该免除你给予
01:50
a sincere apology.
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一个真诚的道歉。
01:54
But what if your mistake wasn’t an accident?
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但如果你的错误不是意外呢?
01:57
Consider this:
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想想看:
01:58
you promised your friend Marie that you’ll attend her championship football match.
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你答应你的朋友玛丽, 你会去看她的足球冠军赛。
02:03
But another friend just called to offer you an extra ticket
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但是另一位朋友刚给你打电话, 要给你一张
02:06
for your favorite musician's farewell tour.
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你最喜欢的音乐家的 告别巡演的额外门票。
02:09
You know this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance,
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你知道,这是一个千载难逢的机会,
02:11
and you can’t pass it up.
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你不可能错过它。
02:14
Plus, you figure Marie wouldn’t mind if you miss the game—
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而且如果你错过了比赛, 你估计玛丽是不会介意的——
02:17
she always has plenty of fans supporting her.
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她总是有很多粉丝支持她。
02:20
But the next day, Marie tells you she was really hurt
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但是第二天,玛丽告诉你, 她真的很伤心,
02:23
when she didn’t see you in the crowd.
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当她没有在人群中看到你时。
02:25
You feel terrible for upsetting her and genuinely want to apologize.
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你因为让她不高兴而感到过意不去, 并真诚地想要道歉。
02:30
But while you regret hurting Marie,
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但是,虽然你后悔伤害了玛丽,
02:33
you’re not actually sure if you made the wrong choice.
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你实际上并不确定自己 是否做出了错误的选择。
02:37
So how can you reach beyond that terrible non-apology,
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那你该如何避免 糟糕的虚伪道歉
02:41
“I’m sorry YOU feel this way”?
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“我很抱歉你有这种感觉”?
02:45
In situations like this, it can be easy to focus on rationalizing your actions
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在这样的场合下,当你应该 努力理解对方的感受时,
02:49
when you should be working to understand the other person’s perspective.
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你很容易把注意力集中在 对你的行为做出合理的解释上。
02:54
Consider asking Marie how you made them feel
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关心地问问玛丽你带给她的感受,
02:57
to better understand your offense.
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以便更好地解释你的过错。
02:59
In this case, Marie might explain that she was disappointed
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在这种情况下,玛丽 可能会说她很失望,
03:03
you broke your promise,
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你违背了你的诺言,
03:04
and she was really counting on your support.
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她真的指望你的支持。
03:08
This kind of clarity can help you recognize your wrongdoing
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这种清楚的表白可以帮助你 认识到自己的错误,
03:12
and honestly accept how your actions caused harm.
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并让她真诚地容忍你的 行为造成的伤害。
03:16
Then you can frame your apology around addressing her concerns,
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然后你可以就她的感受表达道歉,
03:20
perhaps by admitting that it was wrong of you to break your promise,
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或许是承认你违背承诺是错误的,
03:23
and you're sorry you weren't there for her.
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你很抱歉你没有在她身边。
03:27
Clearly acknowledging wrongdoing indicates that you know
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明智地承认错误的行为表明, 你清楚地知道
03:30
exactly how you messed up,
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你是如何把事情搞砸的,
03:32
and it can give Marie faith that you’ll behave differently moving forward.
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这会让玛丽相信 以后你会有不同的表现。
03:37
But it’s always helpful to indicate exactly how you’ll change
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而这一点总是能帮助你 确切地表明你将如何改变,
03:41
and what you’ll do to repair the damage caused by your offense.
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以及你会做点什么来修复 因你的过错造成地伤害。
03:45
Researchers call this the “offer of repair,”
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研究人员称之为“采用补救手段”,
03:48
and it's often rated as one of the most critical parts of an apology.
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它通常被认为是道歉中 最关键的部分之一。
03:52
In some cases, these gestures are straightforward,
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在某些情况下,这些姿态是坦率的,
03:56
like offering to replace the ice cream you eat.
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比如赔还你吃掉的冰淇淋。
03:59
However, with less tangible transgressions,
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然而,对于不太明显的过错,
04:02
this might need to be more symbolic,
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这可能需要更具象征性的表达,
04:04
like expressing your love and respect for someone you wronged.
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比如表达你对受委屈 的人的爱和问候。
04:08
One common offer of repair is a verbal commitment
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一种常见的补救手段是口头承诺
04:11
not to make the same mistake again,
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不再犯同样的错误,
04:14
but promising to do better only works if you actually do better.
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但承诺做得再好也只有在你真的做得 更好的情况下才能让人信服。
04:20
Taking the victim’s perspective, accepting responsibility,
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站在受害者的角度, 承担责任,
04:24
and making concrete offers of repair
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提出具体的补偿建议,
04:26
are just a few of the elements of a good apology.
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都只是一个好的道歉中的几个要素。
04:29
But remember, apologies aren’t about getting forgiveness and moving on;
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但请记住,道歉并不是为了获得 宽恕和继续你们的关系;
04:34
they’re about expressing remorse and accepting accountability.
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而是为了表达悔意和承担责任。
04:38
And the best apologies are just the first step
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而最好的道歉只是通往
04:42
on the road to reconciliation.
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和解之路的第一步。
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