The best way to apologize (according to science)

翻译人员: Yip Yan Yeung 校对人员: JENNY SUN

Over the years, people have come up with some truly awful apologies.

多年来，人们想出了一些 真正糟糕的道歉方式。

From classic non-apologies to evasive excuses,

从糟糕的虚伪道歉到不坦率的理由，

and flimsy corporate promises,

以及信口开河的承诺，

it’s all too easy to give a bad apology.

要做一个糟糕的道歉太容易了。

But researchers have found that good apologies generally share certain elements

但是，研究人员发现， 好的道歉一般都有某些要素，

and thoughtfully considering these factors can help you make amends

深思熟虑地考虑这些因素可以帮助你

in a wide variety of situations.

在各种情况下做出赔罪道歉。

Since public apologies have their own unique complications,

由于公开道歉有其独特的复杂性，

we’re going to focus on some person-to-person examples.

我们将重点关注一些 人与人之间的例子。

So, picture this: your new office has free ice cream sandwiches

所以，想象一下：你的 新办公室的公共冰箱里

有免费的冰激凌三明治--

in the communal fridge—

or at least that’s what you thought.

或者至少你是这么想的。

But on Friday, when you’re helping your co-worker Terence

但是在星期五，当你帮助 你的同事特伦斯

set up another colleague's birthday party,

为另一位同事举办生日派对时，

he finds that half the ice cream he bought for the celebration is gone.

他发现他为庆祝活动买的 冰淇淋已经不见了一半。

While this is obviously an embarrassing accident,

虽然这显然是个令人尴尬的事件，

coming forward and apologizing is still the right thing to do.

但是站出来道歉仍旧 是正确的做法。

Understanding and accepting responsibility for your actions

理解并为自己的行为承担责任

is what some researchers call the “centerpiece of an apology.”

是一些研究人员所说的“道歉的核心”。

But it’s okay if this feels difficult and vulnerable— it’s supposed to be!

但如果这让人感到困难和容易受到 指责也没关系——这本该如此！

The costly nature of apologies is part of what makes them meaningful.

道歉之所以有意义， 部分原因在于它代价高昂。

So while you might be tempted to defend your actions as accidental,

因此，虽然你可能想为你的 认为是偶然的行为辩护，

it’s important to remember that a good apology

但重要的是要记住，一个好的道歉

isn’t about making you feel better.

并不是为了让你自己感觉更好。

It’s about seeking to understand the perspective of the wronged party

它是关于寻求理解被误解方的观点

and repair the damage to your relationship.

并修复对你们关系的损害。

This means that while clarifying your intentions non-defensively can be helpful,

这意味着，对主动澄清你的 意图是有帮助的，

your mistake being an accident shouldn’t absolve you from offering

同时，你的错误是一个事故， 不应该免除你给予

a sincere apology.

一个真诚的道歉。

But what if your mistake wasn’t an accident?

但如果你的错误不是意外呢？

Consider this:

想想看：

you promised your friend Marie that you’ll attend her championship football match.

你答应你的朋友玛丽， 你会去看她的足球冠军赛。

But another friend just called to offer you an extra ticket

但是另一位朋友刚给你打电话， 要给你一张

for your favorite musician's farewell tour.

你最喜欢的音乐家的 告别巡演的额外门票。

You know this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance,

你知道，这是一个千载难逢的机会，

and you can’t pass it up.

你不可能错过它。

Plus, you figure Marie wouldn’t mind if you miss the game—

而且如果你错过了比赛， 你估计玛丽是不会介意的——

she always has plenty of fans supporting her.

她总是有很多粉丝支持她。

But the next day, Marie tells you she was really hurt

但是第二天，玛丽告诉你， 她真的很伤心，

when she didn’t see you in the crowd.

当她没有在人群中看到你时。

You feel terrible for upsetting her and genuinely want to apologize.

你因为让她不高兴而感到过意不去， 并真诚地想要道歉。

But while you regret hurting Marie,

但是，虽然你后悔伤害了玛丽，

you’re not actually sure if you made the wrong choice.

你实际上并不确定自己 是否做出了错误的选择。

So how can you reach beyond that terrible non-apology,

那你该如何避免 糟糕的虚伪道歉

“I’m sorry YOU feel this way”?

“我很抱歉你有这种感觉”？

In situations like this, it can be easy to focus on rationalizing your actions

在这样的场合下，当你应该 努力理解对方的感受时，

when you should be working to understand the other person’s perspective.

你很容易把注意力集中在 对你的行为做出合理的解释上。

Consider asking Marie how you made them feel

关心地问问玛丽你带给她的感受，

to better understand your offense.

以便更好地解释你的过错。

In this case, Marie might explain that she was disappointed

在这种情况下，玛丽 可能会说她很失望，

you broke your promise,

你违背了你的诺言，

and she was really counting on your support.

她真的指望你的支持。

This kind of clarity can help you recognize your wrongdoing

这种清楚的表白可以帮助你 认识到自己的错误，

and honestly accept how your actions caused harm.

并让她真诚地容忍你的 行为造成的伤害。

Then you can frame your apology around addressing her concerns,

然后你可以就她的感受表达道歉，

perhaps by admitting that it was wrong of you to break your promise,

或许是承认你违背承诺是错误的，

and you're sorry you weren't there for her.

你很抱歉你没有在她身边。

Clearly acknowledging wrongdoing indicates that you know

明智地承认错误的行为表明， 你清楚地知道

exactly how you messed up,

你是如何把事情搞砸的，

and it can give Marie faith that you’ll behave differently moving forward.

这会让玛丽相信 以后你会有不同的表现。

But it’s always helpful to indicate exactly how you’ll change

而这一点总是能帮助你 确切地表明你将如何改变，

and what you’ll do to repair the damage caused by your offense.

以及你会做点什么来修复 因你的过错造成地伤害。

Researchers call this the “offer of repair,”

研究人员称之为“采用补救手段”，

and it's often rated as one of the most critical parts of an apology.

它通常被认为是道歉中 最关键的部分之一。

In some cases, these gestures are straightforward,

在某些情况下，这些姿态是坦率的，

like offering to replace the ice cream you eat.

比如赔还你吃掉的冰淇淋。

However, with less tangible transgressions,

然而，对于不太明显的过错，

this might need to be more symbolic,

这可能需要更具象征性的表达，

like expressing your love and respect for someone you wronged.

比如表达你对受委屈 的人的爱和问候。

One common offer of repair is a verbal commitment

一种常见的补救手段是口头承诺

not to make the same mistake again,

不再犯同样的错误，

but promising to do better only works if you actually do better.

但承诺做得再好也只有在你真的做得 更好的情况下才能让人信服。

Taking the victim’s perspective, accepting responsibility,

站在受害者的角度， 承担责任，

and making concrete offers of repair

提出具体的补偿建议，

are just a few of the elements of a good apology.

都只是一个好的道歉中的几个要素。

But remember, apologies aren’t about getting forgiveness and moving on;

但请记住，道歉并不是为了获得 宽恕和继续你们的关系；

they’re about expressing remorse and accepting accountability.

而是为了表达悔意和承担责任。

And the best apologies are just the first step

而最好的道歉只是通往

on the road to reconciliation.

和解之路的第一步。