My stroke of insight | Jill Bolte Taylor | TED

譯者: Dxm Online大小媒體 審譯者: Adrienne Lin

I grew up to study the brain

我決定研究腦部

because I have a brother who has been diagnosed

是因為我的哥哥被診斷出

with a brain disorder, schizophrenia.

And as a sister and later, as a scientist,

精神分裂症。我身為他的妹妹

以及一個科學家，我想了解為什麼

I wanted to understand, why is it that I can take my dreams,

我可以將我的夢想

I can connect them to my reality,

和現實生活做連結，並讓我的夢想成真

and I can make my dreams come true?

而我的哥哥

What is it about my brother's brain and his schizophrenia

卻沒辦法將他的夢想連結到

that he cannot connect his dreams to a common and shared reality,

大家共享的現實世界中

so they instead become delusion?

導致這些夢想變成幻覺？

So I dedicated my career to research into the severe mental illnesses.

所以我全心投入

重度心理疾病的研究，並從我的家鄉

And I moved from my home state of Indiana to Boston,

印第安那州搬遷到了波士頓

where I was working in the lab of Dr. Francine Benes,

到哈佛大學精神醫學部， Francine Benes博士的

in the Harvard Department of Psychiatry.

研究室工作。我們研究的問題是

And in the lab, we were asking the question,

"What are the biological differences

所謂「正常人」的大腦和那些

between the brains of individuals who would be diagnosed as normal control,

精神分裂患者

as compared with the brains of individuals

精神混亂患者

diagnosed with schizophrenia, schizoaffective or bipolar disorder?"

和躁鬱患者的大腦，在生理上到底有什麼不同？

So we were essentially mapping the microcircuitry of the brain:

我們其實在繪出腦內的電路

哪些細胞會跟哪些細胞溝通？

which cells are communicating with which cells,

用什麼化學物質來溝通？

with which chemicals,

and then in what quantities of those chemicals?

用多少化學物質來溝通？

So there was a lot of meaning in my life

我白天都在做這種研究

because I was performing this type of research during the day,

所以日子過的很充實

but then in the evenings and on the weekends,

到了晚上和週末

I traveled as an advocate for NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

我四處奔走替 NAMI (國家心理疾病聯盟) 作宣導

But on the morning of December 10, 1996,

但是在1996年10月10號，我醒來時

I woke up to discover that I had a brain disorder of my own.

發現自己的腦部出現了問題

A blood vessel exploded in the left half of my brain.

一根血管在我的左腦破裂

在接下來的四個鐘頭

And in the course of four hours,

我看著自己的腦功能徹底退化

I watched my brain completely deteriorate

in its ability to process all information.

腦溢血的那個早上

On the morning of the hemorrhage,

我無法行走、說話、閱讀、寫字，或是記得我的人生

I could not walk, talk, read, write or recall any of my life.

I essentially became an infant in a woman's body.

我幾乎變成了個嬰兒，躲在女人的軀殼裡

If you've ever seen a human brain,

如果你看過人腦

it's obvious that the two hemispheres are completely separate from one another.

就會很清楚知道，腦的左右兩半球是完全分開的

我帶來了一個真的人腦

And I have brought for you a real human brain.

(Groaning, laughter)

這是真的人腦

So this is a real human brain.

This is the front of the brain,

這是腦的前端

the back of brain with the spinal cord hanging down,

這是腦的後端，連接著脊髓

and this is how it would be positioned inside of my head.

而在我的頭顱裡面，它是這樣擺著的

And when you look at the brain,

我們的大腦的兩個半球

it's obvious that the two cerebral cortices

是完全分離的

are completely separate from one another.

For those of you who understand computers,

用電腦術語來講

our right hemisphere functions like a parallel processor,

右腦的功能像一個並聯處理器

而左腦像一個串聯處理器

while our left hemisphere functions like a serial processor.

左腦和右腦靠著

The two hemispheres do communicate with one another

胼胝體來溝通

through the corpus callosum,

which is made up of some 300 million axonal fibers.

是由三億個神經元軸突纖維組成的構造

除此之外

But other than that,

the two hemispheres are completely separate.

左右腦是完全分離的

Because they process information differently,

因為左腦和右腦用不同的方式處理資訊

each of our hemispheres think about different things,

想著不同的事情

they care about different things, and, dare I say,

關心不同的事情

they have very different personalities.

所以我說他們有迥異的性格

Excuse me. Thank you. It's been a joy.

麻煩一下，謝謝，這真是歡樂。(助理：是呀！)

Assistant: It has been.

(Laughter)

Our right human hemisphere is all about this present moment.

我們的右腦只關心此時

此刻、當下

It's all about "right here, right now."

Our right hemisphere, it thinks in pictures

它用圖像來思考

and it learns kinesthetically through the movement of our bodies.

用肢體運動來學習

Information, in the form of energy, streams in simultaneously

外界的資訊以能量的型態不斷地流進

through all of our sensory systems

我們的感覺神經系統

and then it explodes into this enormous collage

然後在體內如爆炸般地

of what this present moment looks like,

拼湊出「當下」的模樣

what this present moment smells like and tastes like,

「當下」的氣味

what it feels like and what it sounds like.

觸感和聲音

I am an energy-being connected to the energy all around me

「我」是一種能量體，藉由右腦的意識

through the consciousness of my right hemisphere.

與外界的能量連結

我們都是能量體

We are energy-beings connected to one another

藉由右腦的作用彼此連結成一個大家族

through the consciousness of our right hemispheres

as one human family.

And right here, right now, we are brothers and sisters on this planet,

而此時此地

我們都是這星球上的兄弟姊妹

here to make the world a better place.

為了讓這個世界更美好而存在

And in this moment we are perfect, we are whole and we are beautiful.

在這當下，我們是完美無暇的，是完整的，是美麗的

My left hemisphere, our left hemisphere, is a very different place.

左腦則是個很不一樣的情況

Our left hemisphere thinks linearly and methodically.

它用線性和規律去思考

我們的左腦

Our left hemisphere is all about the past and it's all about the future.

關心著過去和未來

Our left hemisphere is designed to take

它的功能在於

that enormous collage of the present moment

把我們拼湊出來的「當下」

and start picking out details, and more details about those details.

挑選其中的細節，以及細節中的細節

並把這些細節分類整理

It then categorizes and organizes all that information,

再把它們連結到

associates it with everything in the past we've ever learned,

過去的經驗

and projects into the future all of our possibilities.

和未來的憧憬

And our left hemisphere thinks in language.

我們的左腦用語言來思考

It's that ongoing brain chatter that connects me and my internal world

它是把「我」的內心世界

和外在環境持續連結起來的獨白

to my external world.

It's that little voice that says to me,

它是提醒我「回家的路上

"Hey, you've got to remember to pick up bananas on your way home.

記得要買香蕉，早上要吃的」

I need them in the morning."

的那個小聲音

It's that calculating intelligence

它是告訴個聰明的聲音

that reminds me when I have to do my laundry.

告訴我什麼時候該送洗衣服。最重要的

But perhaps most important, it's that little voice that says to me,

它是告訴我：

"I am. I am."

「我是我」的那個聲音。當我的左腦告訴我：「我是我」的時候

And as soon as my left hemisphere says to me "I am,"

我就變成一個獨立的個體

I become separate.

我便從外界環境的能量分離出來

I become a single solid individual,

separate from the energy flow around me

我變得獨特

and separate from you.

And this was the portion of my brain that I lost on the morning of my stroke.

而它是我在腦中風的那個早上

喪失功能的那部份

On the morning of the stroke,

中風的那個早上，我醒來時

I woke up to a pounding pain behind my left eye.

覺得左眼後方傳來陣陣疼痛

And it was the kind of caustic pain that you get when you bite into ice cream.

有點像是

一口咬在冰淇淋上的那種痛。它抓住我

And it just gripped me --

and then it released me.

然後又放開，然後再次抓住

And then it just gripped me --

and then it released me.

再次放開，如此反覆

And it was very unusual for me to ever experience any kind of pain,

我不曾有過這樣的痛苦經歷

so I thought, "OK, I'll just start my normal routine."

可我還是決定要開始一天的工作

So I got up and I jumped onto my cardio glider,

起床後照樣踏上了我的滑步機

which is a full-body, full-exercise machine.

開始運動

我的手抓住了跑步機的橫桿，但我感覺那似乎

And I'm jamming away on this thing,

and I'm realizing that my hands look like primitive claws

只是一隻普通的動物爪子

grasping onto the bar.

抓在把手上，我那時想：「咦，好怪」

And I thought, "That's very peculiar."

我往下了看我的身體之後發現：「哇！

And I looked down at my body

and I thought, "Whoa, I'm a weird-looking thing."

我看起來好詭異。」在那一刻

And it was as though my consciousness had shifted away

我的意識彷彿和現實經驗

from my normal perception of reality,

分離了，彷彿我正在

where I'm the person on the machine having the experience,

另外一個空間觀察著

to some esoteric space

我自己經歷著這一切

where I'm witnessing myself having this experience.

And it was all very peculiar, and my headache was just getting worse.

正當我對一切感到困惑的時候，我的頭痛

加劇了。於是我從滑步機下來

So I get off the machine,

and I'm walking across my living room floor,

走到客廳，

and I realize that everything inside of my body has slowed way down.

卻發現我體內的一切

都慢了下來。每一個步伐都非常僵硬

And every step is very rigid and very deliberate.

而且刻意，失去了原本應有的流暢

There's no fluidity to my pace,

我的感官變得

and there's this constriction in my area of perception,

只關注我體內的運作

so I'm just focused on internal systems.

And I'm standing in my bathroom

當我準備沖澡的時候

getting ready to step into the shower,

我真的聽到了

and I could actually hear the dialogue inside of my body.

我身體在小聲對話：

I heard a little voice saying, "OK. You muscles, you've got to contract.

「你們這群肌肉，開始收縮！

You muscles, you relax."

你們那群，放鬆。」

And then I lost my balance, and I'm propped up against the wall.

接著我失去了平衡，靠在牆壁上

我看著我的手臂，發現

And I look down at my arm

and I realize that I can no longer define the boundaries of my body.

我找不到身體的界線

不知道自己是從哪個點開始的、哪裡結束

I can't define where I begin and where I end,

因為組成我手臂的原子和分子

because the atoms and the molecules of my arm

blended with the atoms and molecules of the wall.

和牆壁融合成一體了

And all I could detect was this energy -- energy.

我感覺到的只有能量

And I'm asking myself, "What is wrong with me?

我心想：「我到底怎麼了？

What is going on?"

發生什麼事了？」在那一刻

And in that moment, my left hemisphere brain chatter went totally silent.

我左腦的聲音突然消失了

彷彿有人拿了遙控器

Just like someone took a remote control and pushed the mute button.

按下靜音 – 徹底的安靜

Total silence.

And at first I was shocked to find myself inside of a silent mind.

一開始我被大腦安靜的程度嚇到了

不過我的注意力很快又集中在

But then I was immediately captivated

周圍那片能量海

by the magnificence of the energy around me.

因為我感受不到

And because I could no longer identify the boundaries of my body,

我身體的界線，我覺得我好巨大，好像在膨脹

I felt enormous and expansive.

覺得我和周遭所有的能量融合成一體

I felt at one with all the energy that was,

那個境界很美

and it was beautiful there.

Then all of a sudden my left hemisphere comes back online

突然間，左腦又「上線」了

並告訴我：「喂！出問題了

and it says to me, "Hey! We've got a problem!

We've got to get some help."

出問題了，快想辦法求救！」

And I'm going, "Ahh! I've got a problem!"

但在我意識到情況不妙之後

(Laughter)

我遇到問題了。就像是，「好的好的，我出了問題」

So it's like, "OK, I've got a problem."

But then I immediately drifted right back out into the consciousness --

可是馬上我又回到了

純意識的世界--我稱之為

and I affectionately refer to this space as La La Land.

「啦啦國」的地方

But it was beautiful there.

那邊很美。試想：

Imagine what it would be like to be totally disconnected

能夠完全脫離腦內的聲音

from your brain chatter that connects you to the external world.

切斷與現實生活的連結，那會是什麼樣子

So here I am in this space,

我在那個空間裡面，一切工作上的

and my job, and any stress related to my job -- it was gone.

壓力都消失了

And I felt lighter in my body.

我感覺自己變的好輕。你可以想像

在那邊，所有人際關係上的

And imagine all of the relationships in the external world

and any stressors related to any of those -- they were gone.

壓力也都消失了

And I felt this sense of peacefulness.

我感受到的是一片安詳。

And imagine what it would feel like to lose

想想這37年以來，所有的情緒負擔都消失不見會是怎樣

37 years of emotional baggage!

(Laughter) Oh! I felt euphoria --

我感受到了極樂

euphoria.

美麗的極樂

It was beautiful.

And again, my left hemisphere comes online and it says,

但我的左腦又上線說：

"Hey! You've got to pay attention.

「喂！你專心一點！

We've got to get help."

快點求救！」於是我思考著，「我要求救，

And I'm thinking, "I've got to get help. I've got to focus."

要專心。」

So I get out of the shower and I mechanically dress

我從浴室出來，僵硬地

穿好衣服，在家裡走動

and I'm walking around my apartment,

並思考著：「我要去上班，我要上班

and I'm thinking, "I've got to get to work. Can I drive?"

我還能開車嗎？我還能嗎？」

And in that moment,

就在那一瞬間，我的右臂

my right arm went totally paralyzed by my side.

徹底麻痺。我此時才驚覺

Then I realized, "Oh my gosh! I'm having a stroke!"

「我的天呀！我中風了。我中風了。」

And the next thing my brain says to me is,

頓時，我的第一個反應是：

Wow! This is so cool!

「這太帥了！這太帥了！

(Laughter)

This is so cool!

How many brain scientists have the opportunity

有幾個神經學家

to study their own brain from the inside out?"

能夠在自己的身上研究腦部啊？」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And then it crosses my mind, "But I'm a very busy woman!"

不過我又想到：「我這麼忙

(Laughter)

沒有時間中風啊！

"I don't have time for a stroke!"

So I'm like, "OK, I can't stop the stroke from happening,

但我沒有辦法阻止他發生，那好吧

就暫時休息一兩個禮拜

so I'll do this for a week or two, and then I'll get back to my routine. OK.

再回復我正常的生活

So I've got to call help. I've got to call work."

所以我想打電話到公司求助

I couldn't remember the number at work,

我不記得公司的電話號碼

so I remembered, in my office I had a business card with my number.

但我記得在家裡的辦公室有一張名片

上面有公司的電話，所以我到辦公室

So I go into my business room, I pull out a three-inch stack of business cards.

拿出了一疊三吋厚的名片

And I'm looking at the card on top

看著那疊名片

and even though I could see clearly in my mind's eye

雖然我很清楚知道，我要找的那張名片長什麼樣

what my business card looked like,

I couldn't tell if this was my card or not,

卻分不清

是我的，還是別人的，因為我只看到一團像素

because all I could see were pixels.

And the pixels of the words blended with the pixels of the background

卡片上的文字

圖案、背景三者在我眼裡成了模糊的一塊像素團

and the pixels of the symbols, and I just couldn't tell.

我根本無法判斷

And then I would wait for what I call a wave of clarity.

我只能等到我的神經系統能把我帶回現實

And in that moment, I would be able to reattach to normal reality

只有在那片刻的現實裡，我才能

重新構建起與外部世界的聯系

and I could tell that's not the card... that's not the card.

並知道要找的不是這張，不是這張，不是那張

我花了 45分鐘

It took me 45 minutes to get one inch down inside of that stack of cards.

才找了1/3的名片

In the meantime, for 45 minutes,

在這45分鐘的時間

the hemorrhage is getting bigger in my left hemisphere.

我左腦的出血越來越多

I do not understand numbers, I do not understand the telephone,

我開始無法理解數字，我甚至無法理解電話這東西

but it's the only plan I have.

但我別無他法

So I take the phone pad and I put it right here.

我抓著話筒，放在這裡，拿著名片

I take the business card, I put it right here,

我把它放在這裡

and I'm matching the shape of the squiggles on the card

開始比對公司名片上的扭曲線條

to the shape of the squiggles on the phone pad.

和電話按鍵的扭曲線條，撥號

But then I would drift back out into La La Land,

但當我的意識又漂到「啦啦國」

and not remember when I came back if I'd already dialed those numbers.

我不記得是否已經

按過這些數字

So I had to wield my paralyzed arm like a stump

於是我抓起那癱瘓的右手

and cover the numbers as I went along and pushed them,

蓋住那些已按下的數字

這樣在那簡短的片刻清醒到來指示

so that as I would come back to normal reality,

我才可能知道撥出了哪些數字，最終電話打通了

I'd be able to tell, "Yes, I've already dialed that number."

Eventually, the whole number gets dialed and I'm listening to the phone,

最終電話數字都按了

聽著電話那頭

and my colleague picks up the phone and he says to me,

我的同事接了電話，但我只聽到

"Woo woo woo woo." (Laughter)

「嗚嗚嗚嗚」的扭曲聲音。我那時心想：

(Laughter)

And I think to myself,

「我的天，他聽起來像是一隻黃金獵犬！」

"Oh my gosh, he sounds like a Golden Retriever!"

(Laughter)

And so I say to him -- clear in my mind, I say to him:

於是我說：

"This is Jill! I need help!"

「我是 Jill ！我需要幫助！」

And what comes out of my voice is, "Woo woo woo woo woo."

不過從我口中出來的卻是：「嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚」

I'm thinking, "Oh my gosh, I sound like a Golden Retriever."

我心想：「我的天，連我都變成黃金獵犬了」

這時我才發現，我根本無法說話

So I couldn't know -- I didn't know

that I couldn't speak or understand language until I tried.

也聽不懂別人說的話

So he recognizes that I need help and he gets me help.

幸好我同事發現事情不對勁，叫了救護車

後來我在救護車上

And a little while later, I am riding in an ambulance

被送往麻州的Mass General 醫院

from one hospital across Boston to [Massachusetts] General Hospital.

我的身體蜷曲成胎兒的姿勢

And I curl up into a little fetal ball.

我像洩了氣的氣球一樣

And just like a balloon with the last bit of air,

整個消了氣

just right out of the balloon,

覺得能量從我體內流出，覺得我的靈魂已經投降了

I just felt my energy lift and just I felt my spirit surrender.

在那一刻，我知道我

And in that moment, I knew that I was no longer the choreographer of my life.

已無法主導我的生命

And either the doctors rescue my body and give me a second chance at life,

除非醫生把我救活，給我

第二次人生，不然這會是

or this was perhaps my moment of transition.

我離開人間的時候

When I woke later that afternoon,

我那天下午醒來，很驚訝地

I was shocked to discover that I was still alive.

發現我還活著。當我感覺到我的靈魂投降的時候

When I felt my spirit surrender, I said goodbye to my life.

我向自己說了再見

And my mind was now suspended

但現在我身處於兩個

between two very opposite planes of reality.

截然不同的世界。外界傳來的刺激

Stimulation coming in through my sensory systems

經過我的感官系統成為了劇痛

felt like pure pain.

Light burned my brain like wildfire,

光線如野火般燒著我的腦部，外界的聲音

and sounds were so loud and chaotic

是那麼的嘈雜

that I could not pick a voice out from the background noise,

無法聽清楚任何聲音

and I just wanted to escape.

讓我只想逃離。我不能明確

Because I could not identify the position of my body in space,

自己身體的範圍，我感到身體變大了、舒展開來了

I felt enormous and expansive,

就像一個從瓶子裡跑出來的精靈

like a genie just liberated from her bottle.

而我的靈魂則如一條鯨魚

And my spirit soared free,

like a great whale gliding through the sea of silent euphoria.

在極樂的大海中遨遊，一切都很和諧

Nirvana.

涅磐，那是涅磐的感覺，我那時還想著

I found Nirvana.

And I remember thinking,

there's no way I would ever be able to squeeze the enormousness of myself

我永遠也不可能像故事裡的精靈那樣

把這個巨大的自己，壓縮回小小的身體裡

back inside this tiny little body.

But then I realized, "But I'm still alive!

不過我發現：我還活著！我活著！

I'm still alive, and I have found Nirvana.

而且我達到了涅盤。如果我

And if I have found Nirvana and I'm still alive,

活著而且達到了涅盤，那所有

then everyone who is alive can find Nirvana."

活著的人都可以達到涅盤。我想像著一個世界

And I pictured a world

filled with beautiful, peaceful, compassionate, loving people

充滿著美麗、安詳、慈悲、

關愛的人們，他們知道他們能夠

who knew that they could come to this space at any time.

隨時到這個空間來

And that they could purposely choose

靠著意識跳出左腦

to step to the right of their left hemispheres --

進到右腦，來尋找這份安祥

and find this peace.

And then I realized

然後我發現這個經驗是多麼的寶貴

what a tremendous gift this experience could be,

因為這次中風讓我了解

what a stroke of insight this could be to how we live our lives.

該如何活出我的生命，這念頭不斷地激勵著我復原

And it motivated me to recover.

Two and a half weeks after the hemorrhage, the surgeons went in,

事發的兩個半星期之後

醫生把我的血塊從腦部清除

and they removed a blood clot the size of a golf ball

它有高爾夫球那麼大，壓迫到我的語言中心

that was pushing on my language centers.

這是我跟我的母親

Here I am with my mama,

who is a true angel in my life.

她真的是我的守護天使，我花了八年的時間才完全康復

It took me eight years to completely recover.

So who are we?

所以我們究竟是誰？我們是宇宙中的生命能源

We are the life-force power of the universe,

有著精巧的雙手和兩個用來認知的腦部

with manual dexterity and two cognitive minds.

每一秒，我們都有能力去選擇

And we have the power to choose, moment by moment,

我們要成為怎樣的人、要在這世上過怎樣的日子

who and how we want to be in the world.

Right here, right now,

此時此地，我可以進到

I can step into the consciousness of my right hemisphere, where we are.

右腦的意識裡，在這裡

I am the life-force power of the universe.

成為宇宙中的生命能量

I am the life-force power

成為我身上50兆個精妙細胞的能源

of the 50 trillion beautiful molecular geniuses that make up my form,

與一切合而唯一

at one with all that is.

Or, I can choose to step into the consciousness of my left hemisphere,

我也可以進入

左腦的意識，成為獨立的個體

where I become a single individual, a solid.

與所有的能量切割

Separate from the flow, separate from you.

跟你切割，我是 Jill Bolte Taylor 博士

I am Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor:

intellectual, neuroanatomist.

我是知識分子、神經解剖學家。這些是我體內的“我們”

These are the "we" inside of me.

Which would you choose?

你想怎麼選？你會怎麼選？什麼時候選？

Which do you choose?

And when?

我相信，如果我們花愈多時間

I believe that the more time we spend

choosing to run the deep inner-peace circuitry

啟動安詳平和的右腦

of our right hemispheres,

那我們就可以把更多的安詳平和

the more peace we will project into the world,

投射到這個世界上，地球就會有更多平和

and the more peaceful our planet will be.

而我認為，這是一個值得分享的念頭。

And I thought that was an idea worth spreading.

Thank you.

(Applause)