Celeste Headlee: 10 ways to have a better conversation | TED

Translator: M. Carmen Losada Reviewer: Natalia Outerelo

All right, I want to see a show of hands:

Ben, quero ver as mans arriba:

how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook

Quen de vós eliminou a alguén de amigo no Facebook

because they said something offensive about politics or religion,

porque dixo algo ofensivo sobre política ou relixión,

childcare, food?

coidado infantil, comida?

(Laughter)

(Risos)

And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid

E cantos coñecen polo menos unha persoa que evitan

because you just don't want to talk to them?

porque simplemente non queren falar con ela?

(Laughter)

(Risos)

You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation,

Xa saben que antes, para ter unha conversa educada

we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady":

só tiñamos que seguir o consello de Henry Higgins en "My Fair Lady":

Stick to the weather and your health.

Cínguirnos ao tempo e á saúde.

But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --

Pero agora, co cambio climático e o movemento antivacinas, eses temas

(Laughter)

(Risos)

are not safe either.

non son seguros tampouco.

So this world that we live in,

Así que este mundo no que vivimos,

this world in which every conversation

este mundo no que cada conversación

has the potential to devolve into an argument,

ten o potencial de converterse nunha rifa,

where our politicians can't speak to one another

onde os políticos non poden falar uns cos outros

and where even the most trivial of issues

e onde mesmo o máis trivial dos asuntos

have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it's not normal.

ten alguén que pelexa apaixonadamente a favor e en contra, non é normal.

Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults,

O estudo Pew fixo unha investigación de 10 000 americanos adultos

and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized,

e atoparon que neste momento, estamos máis polarizados,

we are more divided,

estamos máis divididos

than we ever have been in history.

do que nunca o estivemos na historia.

We're less likely to compromise,

Menos predispostos ao compromiso

which means we're not listening to each other.

o que significa que non escoitamos aos demais.

And we make decisions about where to live,

E tomamos decisións sobre onde vivir,

who to marry and even who our friends are going to be,

con quen casar e mesmo quen vai ser amigo noso,

based on what we already believe.

baseándonos no que xa cremos.

Again, that means we're not listening to each other.

Outra vez, iso significa que non nos escoitamos.

A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening,

Unha conversa require un equilibrio entre falar e escoitar,

and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance.

e nalgún lugar do camiño, perdemos ese equilibrio.

Now, part of that is due to technology.

Agora, parte diso débese á tecnoloxía.

The smartphones that you all either have in your hands

Os teléfonos intelixentes que teñen nas mans

or close enough that you could grab them really quickly.

ou preto dabondo para collelos rapidamente.

According to Pew Research,

Segundo o estudo Pew,

about a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day.

sobre un terzo de rapaces americanos envían máis dun cento de textos por día.

And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friends

E moitos deles, case a maioría, prefiren escribirlles aos amigos

than they are to talk to them face to face.

que falar con eles cara a cara.

There's this great piece in The Atlantic.

Hai esta gran peza no Atlántico

It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell.

escrita por un profesor de instituto chamado Paul Barnwell.

And he gave his kids a communication project.

Deulle aos seus estudantes un proxecto de comunicación.

He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes.

El quería ensinar como falar dun determinado tema sen usar notas.

And he said this: "I came to realize..."

E dixo isto: "Deime conta..."

(Laughter)

(Risos)

"I came to realize that conversational competence

"Deime conta de que a competencia conversacional

might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach.

podería ser a competencia máis descoidada na que fracasamos no ensino.

Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens,

Os rapaces invisten horas conectados a ideas e entre eles nas pantallas,

but rarely do they have an opportunity

pero case nunca teñen oportunidade

to hone their interpersonal communications skills.

de mellorar as destrezas comunicativas interpersoais.

It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves:

Pode parecer unha pregunta estraña, pero temos que facérnola:

Is there any 21st-century skill

Hai algunha destreza do século XXI

more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"

máis importante que a de poder manter conversas coherentes e eficaces?"

Now, I make my living talking to people:

Agora, eu dedícome a falar coa xente:

Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers,

gañadores do Nobel, condutores de camións,

billionaires, kindergarten teachers,

millonarios, profesores de preescolar,

heads of state, plumbers.

xefes de estado, fontaneiros.

I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don't like.

Falo con xente que me gusta. Falo con xente que non me gusta.

I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level.

Falo con algunha persoa coa que discrepo profundamente nun plano persoal.

But I still have a great conversation with them.

Pero teño unha conversa estupenda con eles.

So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk

Así que me gustaría pasar os próximos 10 minutos ensinándolles a falar

and how to listen.

e a escoitar.

Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this,

Moitos de vostedes xa oíron moitos consellos sobre isto,

things like look the person in the eye,

cousas como mirar a persoa aos ollos,

think of interesting topics to discuss in advance,

pensar previamente en temas interesantes para comentar,

look, nod and smile to show that you're paying attention,

mirar, asentir e sorrir para mostrar que estamos poñendo atención,

repeat back what you just heard or summarize it.

repetir o que acabamos de escoitar ou resumilo.

So I want you to forget all of that.

Ben, eu quero que esquezan todo iso.

It is crap.

Iso son parvadas!

(Laughter)

(Risos)

There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention

Non hai razóns para aprender a amosar que poñemos atención

if you are in fact paying attention.

se, efectivamente, estamos a poñer atención.

(Laughter)

(Risos)

(Applause)

(Aplausos)

Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer

Agora, eu uso as mesmas destrezas no meu traballo de entrevistadora

that I do in regular life.

e na miña vida normal.

So, I'm going to teach you how to interview people,

Así que vou ensinarlles a entrevistar xente,

and that's actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists.

e a que isto lles axude realmente a aprender a ser mellores conversadores.

Learn to have a conversation

Aprender a ter unha conversa

without wasting your time, without getting bored,

sen perder o tempo, sen aburrirse.

and, please God, without offending anybody.

E, por amor de Deus, sen ofender a ninguén.

We've all had really great conversations.

Todos tivemos abofé grandes conversas.

We've had them before. We know what it's like.

Tivémolas antes. Sabemos como é.

The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired,

O tipo de conversa da que saen sentíndose conectados e inspirados,

or where you feel like you've made a real connection

ou na que senten coma se fixeran unha conexión real

or you've been perfectly understood.

ou foran perfectamente comprendidos.

There is no reason

Non hai ningunha razón

why most of your interactions can't be like that.

pola que a maioría das interaccións non poden ser así.

So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to walk you through all of them,

Así que eu teño 10 regras básicas. Vounos levar a través delas,

but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it,

pero, honestamente, se só elixen unha delas e a dominan

you'll already enjoy better conversations.

xa gozarán de conversas mellores.

Number one: Don't multitask.

Número un: Non fagan varias cousas á vez.

And I don't mean just set down your cell phone

E non quero dicir só pousar o móbil,

or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand.

a tableta, as chaves do coche ou o que teñan na man.

I mean, be present.

Quero dicir, estean presentes.

Be in that moment.

Estean nese momento.

Don't think about your argument you had with your boss.

Non pensen na rifa que tiveron co xefe.

Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner.

Non pensen no que van cear.

If you want to get out of the conversation,

Se queren saír da conversación

get out of the conversation,

saian da conversación,

but don't be half in it and half out of it.

pero non estean cun pé dentro e cun pé fóra.

Number two: Don't pontificate.

Número dous: Non pontifiquen.

If you want to state your opinion

Se queren manifestar a súa opinión

without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth,

sen dar ocasión a respostar ou argüír ou rectificar ou ampliar

write a blog.

escriban un blogue.

(Laughter)

(Risos)

Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show:

Hai unha boa razón para non permitir expertos no meu show:

Because they're really boring.

son moi aburridos.

If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.

Se son conservadores, odiarán a Obama e os bonos de comida e o aborto.

If they're liberal, they're going to hate

Se son liberais, van odiar

big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney.

os bancos, as petroleiras e a Dick Cheney.

Totally predictable.

Totalmente predicible.

And you don't want to be like that.

E vostedes non queren ser así.

You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn.

Teñen que entrar en cada conversa asumindo que hai algo que aprender.

The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said

O famoso terapeuta M. Scott Peck dixo

that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself.

que a verdadeira escoita require poñerse á parte un mesmo.

And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion.

E ás veces iso significa deixar á parte a opinión persoal.

He said that sensing this acceptance,

Dixo que ao sentir esta aceptación,

the speaker will become less and less vulnerable

quen fala farase menos e menos vulnerable

and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses

e máis e máis susceptible de abrir os recunchos interiores

of his or her mind to the listener.

da súa mente á persoa que escoita.

Again, assume that you have something to learn.

Outra vez, asumir que teñen algo que aprender.

Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't."

Bill Nye: "Toda persoa sabe algo que vostedes non saben".

I put it this way:

Eu dígoo deste xeito:

Everybody is an expert in something.

Todo o mundo é un experto en algo.

Number three: Use open-ended questions.

Número tres: Use preguntas abertas.

In this case, take a cue from journalists.

Neste caso, colla ideas nos xornalistas.

Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how.

Comece as preguntas con quen, que, cando, onde, por que ou como.

If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out.

Se fan unha pregunta complexa, van ter unha resposta simple.

If I ask you, "Were you terrified?"

Se lles pregunto: "Tiveron medo?"

you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence,

Van responderlle á palabra máis poderosa da pregunta,

which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't."

"medo", e a resposta é "si, tivemos" ou "non, non tivemos".

"Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry."

"Estaban anoxados?" "Si, moi anoxados".

Let them describe it. They're the ones that know.

Deixen que o describan. Eles son os que saben.

Try asking them things like, "What was that like?"

Intenten preguntar cousas como "Como foi?"

"How did that feel?"

"Que se sentiu?"

Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it,

Porque eles van ter que parar un momento e pensar niso,

and you're going to get a much more interesting response.

e van conseguir unha resposta moito máis interesante.

Number four: Go with the flow.

Número catro: Vaian co fluxo.

That means thoughts will come into your mind

Isto significa que os pensamentos chegarán á súa mente

and you need to let them go out of your mind.

e terán que deixalos saír dela.

We've heard interviews often

A miúdo escoitamos entrevistas

in which a guest is talking for several minutes

nas que un convidado fala durante varios minutos

and then the host comes back in and asks a question

e despois o anfitrión fai unha pregunta

which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered.

que parece coma se saíse da nada, ou que xa foi contestada.

That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago

Probablemente o anfitrión non escoitou os últimos minutos

because he thought of this really clever question,

porque pensou nesta pregunta tan intelixente

and he was just bound and determined to say that.

e estaba decidido a formular.

And we do the exact same thing.

E nós facemos exactamente o mesmo.

We're sitting there having a conversation with someone,

Estamos sentados tendo unha conversación con alguén,

and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.

e lembramos cando coñecimos a Hugh Jackman nun café.

(Laughter)

(Risos)

And we stop listening.

E paramos de escoitar.

Stories and ideas are going to come to you.

Chéganlles historias e ideas.

You need to let them come and let them go.

Precisan deixalas ir e vir.

Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know.

Número cinco: Se non saben, digan que non saben.

Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR,

Ben, a xente da radio, especialmente da RPN,

are much more aware that they're going on the record,

é moito máis consciente de que vai ser gravada.

and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert in

Por iso ten máis coidado con aquelo do que di ser experta

and what they claim to know for sure.

e saber con certeza.

Do that. Err on the side of caution.

Fágano. Erren polo lado da prudencia.

Talk should not be cheap.

Falar non debería ser barato.

Number six: Don't equate your experience with theirs.

Número seis: Non igualen a súa experiencia coa deles.

If they're talking about having lost a family member,

Se están falando sobre a perda dun membro da familia,

don't start talking about the time you lost a family member.

non vaian a falar de cando viviron vostedes tamén unha perda.

If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work,

Se falan sobre os problemas que teñen no traballo,

don't tell them about how much you hate your job.

non lles digan o que odian o seu.

It's not the same. It is never the same.

Non é o mesmo. Nunca é o mesmo.

All experiences are individual.

Todas as experiencias son únicas.

And, more importantly, it is not about you.

E, o máis importante, non se trata de vostedes.

You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are

Non deben aproveitar o momento para probar o formidables que son

or how much you've suffered.

ou o do moito que sofreron.

Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said,

Alguén lle preguntou a Stephen Hawking cal era o seu CI. E dixo:

"I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers."

"Nin idea. As persoas que se gaban do seu CI son perdedoras".

(Laughter)

(Risos)

Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.

As conversacións non son unha oportunidade para a promoción.

Number seven:

Número sete:

Try not to repeat yourself.

Intenten non repetirse.

It's condescending, and it's really boring,

É condescendente e moi aburrido.

and we tend to do it a lot.

Tendemos a facelo moito.

Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids,

Especialmente en conversacións no traballo ou cos nosos fillos,

we have a point to make,

temos cousas que sinalar.

so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.

Por iso reformulamos unha e outra vez.

Don't do that.

Non o fagan.

Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.

Número 8: Eviten as malas herbas.

Frankly, people don't care

Francamente, á xente non lle importan

about the years, the names,

os anos, os nomes,

the dates, all those details

as datas, todos eses detalles

that you're struggling to come up with in your mind.

cos que estás loitando na túa mente.

They don't care. What they care about is you.

Non lle importan. O que lle importa é vostede.

They care about what you're like,

Impórtalle como é vostede

what you have in common.

ou o que teñen en común.

So forget the details. Leave them out.

Así que esquezan os detalles. Déixenos fóra.

Number nine:

Número nove:

This is not the last one, but it is the most important one.

Este non é o último, mais é o máis importante.

Listen.

Escoiten.

I cannot tell you how many really important people have said

Non podo dicirlles canta xente importante dixo

that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill

que escoitar é quizais a destreza máis importante

that you could develop.

que podedes desenvolver.

Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing,

Buda dixo, e estou a parafrasear:

"If your mouth is open, you're not learning."

"Se a túa boca está aberta, non estás aprendendo".

And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way out of a job."

E Calvin Coolidge dixo: "Ningún home escoitou a súa saída do traballo".

(Laughter)

(Risos)

Why do we not listen to each other?

Por que non nos escoitamos uns aos outros?

Number one, we'd rather talk.

Número un: preferimos falar.

When I'm talking, I'm in control.

Cando falo, estou ao mando.

I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in.

Non teño que escoitar nada que non me interese.

I'm the center of attention.

Son o centro de atención.

I can bolster my own identity.

Estou reforzando a miña identidade.

But there's another reason:

Pero hai outra razón:

We get distracted.

Distraémonos.

The average person talks at about 225 word per minute,

A media do tempo que fala unha persoa é de 225 palabras por minuto,

but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute.

pero podemos escoitar máis de 500 palabras por minuto.

So our minds are filling in those other 275 words.

Así que as nosas mentes están enchéndose desas outras 275 palabras.

And look, I know, it takes effort and energy

E miren, sei que leva esforzo e enerxía

to actually pay attention to someone,

prestarlle atención a alguén

but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation.

pero se non poden facelo, non están a conversar.

You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences

Trátase só de dúas persoas berrando frases pouco relacionadas

in the same place.

no mesmo lugar.

(Laughter)

(Risos)

You have to listen to one another.

Teñen que escoitarse uns aos outros.

Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.

Stephen Covey díxoo dun xeito fermoso.

He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand.

Dixo: "A maioría de nós non escoita coa intención de entender.

We listen with the intent to reply."

Escoitamos coa intención de contestar".

One more rule, number 10, and it's this one: Be brief.

Unha regra máis, a número 10, e é esta: Sexan breves.

[A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain interest,

[Unha boa conversa é coma unha minisaia; curta para xerar interese,

but long enough to cover the subject. -- My Sister]

pero longa para cubrir o tema. -A miña irmá]

(Laughter)

(Risos)

(Applause)

(Aplauso)

All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one:

Todos estes puntos van ao mesmo concepto básico:

Be interested in other people.

Mostren interese polas outras persoas.

You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather,

Eu medrei cun avó moi famoso,

and there was kind of a ritual in my home.

e había unha especie de ritual na casa.

People would come over to talk to my grandparents,

A xente viña á casa a falar cos meus avós

and after they would leave, my mother would come over to us,

e despois de marchar, a miña nai achegábase a nós,

and she'd say, "Do you know who that was?

e dicía: "Sabedes quen era?

She was the runner-up to Miss America.

A primeira dama de honor de América.

He was the mayor of Sacramento.

Era o alcalde de Sacramento.

She won a Pulitzer Prize. He's a Russian ballet dancer."

Gañou un premio Pulitzer. É un bailarín do ballet ruso".

And I kind of grew up assuming

E medrei asumindo

everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them.

que todo o mundo tiña algo marabilloso oculto.

And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host.

Creo que é o que me fai ser mellor entrevistadora.

I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can,

Teño a boca pechada sempre que me é posible,

I keep my mind open,

teño a mente aberta

and I'm always prepared to be amazed,

e sempre estou preparada para marabillarme

and I'm never disappointed.

e nunca quedo decepcionada.

You do the same thing.

Fagan o mesmo.

Go out, talk to people,

Saian, falen coa xente,

listen to people,

escoiten a xente,

and, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.

e, o máis importante, prepárense para marabillarse.

Thanks.

Grazas.

(Applause)

(Aplauso)