Celeste Headlee: 10 ways to have a better conversation | TED

Translator: Fatiya Mufinnah Reviewer: Dewi Barnas

All right, I want to see a show of hands:

Baik, silahkan acungkan tangan:

how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook

siapa yang pernah menghapus pertemanan di Facebook

because they said something offensive about politics or religion,

karena sesuatu yang menyinggung seperti politik atau agama,

childcare, food?

pengasuhan anak, makanan?

(Laughter)

(Tertawa)

And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid

Dan siapa saja yang menghindari sedikitnya satu orang

because you just don't want to talk to them?

karena tidak ingin berbicara dengan orang itu?

(Laughter)

(Tertawa)

You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation,

Dulu, untuk melakukan percakapan yang sopan,

we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady":

kita hanya perlu mengikuti saran Henry Higgins di "My Fair Lady":

Stick to the weather and your health.

Bicara tentang cuaca dan kesehatan.

But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --

Kini, dengan adanya perubahan iklim dan antivaksin, subjek tersebut --

(Laughter)

(Tertawa)

are not safe either.

juga tidak aman.

So this world that we live in,

Di dunia tempat kita tinggal ini,

this world in which every conversation

di mana setiap pembicaraan

has the potential to devolve into an argument,

berpotensi untuk berubah menjadi argumen,

where our politicians can't speak to one another

di mana politisi kita tidak bisa saling bicara

and where even the most trivial of issues

dan bahkan masalah yang paling remeh temeh

have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it's not normal.

bisa menyebabkan orang ngotot berkelahi, itu tidak normal.

Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults,

Pew Research melakukan studi atas 10.000 warga negara AS,

and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized,

dan mereka menemukan, saat ini, kita lebih terpolarisasi,

we are more divided,

lebih terpecah belah,

than we ever have been in history.

daripada sebelumnya, sepanjang sejarah.

We're less likely to compromise,

Kita lebih sulit berkompromi,

which means we're not listening to each other.

yang artinya kita tidak saling mendengarkan.

And we make decisions about where to live,

Kita membuat keputusan tentang tempat tinggal,

who to marry and even who our friends are going to be,

pasangan hidup, bahkan siapa teman kita,

based on what we already believe.

berdasarkan apa yang kita percaya.

Again, that means we're not listening to each other.

Lagi-lagi, itu berarti kita tidak saling mendengarkan.

A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening,

Sebuah percakapan memerlukan keseimbangan antara bicara dan mendengar,

and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance.

dan di tengah jalan, kita kehilangan keseimbangan itu.

Now, part of that is due to technology.

Salah satu sebabnya adalah teknologi.

The smartphones that you all either have in your hands

Ponsel cerdas yang Anda semua punya baik di tangan Anda

or close enough that you could grab them really quickly.

ataupun di tempat terdekat yang bisa segera Anda raih.

According to Pew Research,

Menurut Pew Research,

about a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day.

sekitar sepertiga remaja Amerika mengirim lebih dari 100 pesan sehari.

And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friends

Kebanyakan, hampir semua, lebih mungkin mengirim SMS ke teman mereka

than they are to talk to them face to face.

daripada bertatap muka.

There's this great piece in The Atlantic.

Ada artikel bagus di The Atlantic

It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell.

yang ditulis seorang guru SMA bernama Paul Barnwell.

And he gave his kids a communication project.

Dia memberi proyek komunikasi pada muridnya.

He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes.

Dia ingin mengajarkan cara membicarakan suatu topik tanpa melihat catatan.

And he said this: "I came to realize..."

Dan dia bilang: "Saya menyadari..."

(Laughter)

(Tertawa)

"I came to realize that conversational competence

"Saya menyadari bahwa kompetensi berbicara mungkin

might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach.

adalah keterampilan yang paling diremehkan dan gagal kita ajarkan.

Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens,

Anak-anak berkutat berjam-jam dengan ide-ide dan teman-teman melalui layar,

but rarely do they have an opportunity

tetapi mereka jarang punya kesempatan

to hone their interpersonal communications skills.

mengasah keterampilan komunikasi interpersonal mereka.

It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves:

Mungkin terdengar aneh, tapi kita harus bertanya pada diri sendiri:

Is there any 21st-century skill

adakah keterampilan abad ke-21 lain yang lebih penting

more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"

daripada kemampuan menjaga percakapan agar koheren dan nyaman?"

Pekerjaan saya adalah berbicara dengan orang-orang:

Now, I make my living talking to people:

Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers,

pemenang hadiah Nobel, sopir truk,

billionaires, kindergarten teachers,

miliarder, guru taman kanak-kanak,

heads of state, plumbers.

kepala negara, tukang ledeng.

I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don't like.

Saya berbicara dengan orang yang saya suka maupun tidak.

I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level.

Saya berbincang dengan orang yang pendapatnya berlawanan dengan saya.

But I still have a great conversation with them.

Tapi percakapan saya dengan mereka tetap menyenangkan.

So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk

Jadi, saya akan menggunakan 10 menit berikut untuk mengajari Anda berbicara

and how to listen.

dan mendengarkan.

Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this,

Anda sudah banyak mendengar banyak nasihat tentang ini,

things like look the person in the eye,

seperti tataplah mata lawan bicara,

think of interesting topics to discuss in advance,

pikirkan lebih dulu topik menarik untuk didiskusikan,

look, nod and smile to show that you're paying attention,

tatap, mengangguk dan senyumlah untuk menunjukkan bahwa Anda menyimak,

repeat back what you just heard or summarize it.

ulangi apa yang baru Anda dengar atau ringkaslah.

So I want you to forget all of that.

Nah, saya ingin Anda lupakan semua itu. Semua itu sampah.

It is crap.

(Laughter)

(Tertawa)

There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention

Anda tidak perlu belajar untuk menunjukkan bahwa Anda menyimak

if you are in fact paying attention.

kalau Anda memang menyimak.

(Laughter)

(Tertawa)

(Applause)

(Tepuk tangan)

Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer

Saya juga menggunakan keterampilan yang sama sebagai pewawancara profesional

that I do in regular life.

yang saya lakukan sehari-hari.

So, I'm going to teach you how to interview people,

Jadi, saya akan mengajarkan cara mewawancarai orang-orang,

and that's actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists.

dan ini akan membantu Anda belajar menjadi pembicara yang lebih baik.

Learn to have a conversation

Belajar melakukan percakapan

without wasting your time, without getting bored,

tanpa membuang waktu, tanpa menjadi bosan,

and, please God, without offending anybody.

dan yang tak kalah penting, tanpa menyinggung siapapun.

We've all had really great conversations.

Kita semua pernah mengalami percakapan yang menyenangkan.

We've had them before. We know what it's like.

Kita tahu bagaimana percakapan itu.

The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired,

Percakapan yang membuat Anda merasa terlibat dan terinspirasi,

or where you feel like you've made a real connection

atau merasa telah menjalin hubungan yang nyata

or you've been perfectly understood.

atau merasa benar-benar dipahami.

There is no reason

Tidak ada alasan kenapa kebanyakan interaksi kita

why most of your interactions can't be like that.

tidak bisa seperti itu.

So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to walk you through all of them,

Ada 10 aturan dasar. Saya akan menuntun Anda melewati semuanya,

but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it,

tetapi kalaupun Anda hanya memilih satu dan menguasainya,

you'll already enjoy better conversations.

Anda sudah akan menikmati percakapan yang lebih baik.

Number one: Don't multitask.

Nomor satu: jangan menyambi.

And I don't mean just set down your cell phone

Dan maksud saya bukan hanya meletakkan ponsel,

or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand.

tablet, kunci mobil, atau apapun yang ada di tangan Anda.

I mean, be present.

Anda harus benar-benar ada.

Be in that moment.

Anda harus ada dalam momen itu.

Don't think about your argument you had with your boss.

Jangan memikirkan perdebatan dengan bos Anda.

Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner.

Jangan memikirkan menu makan malam nanti.

If you want to get out of the conversation,

Jika Anda ingin keluar dari percakapan itu,

get out of the conversation,

tinggalkan percakapan itu.

Jangan setengah-setengah.

but don't be half in it and half out of it.

Number two: Don't pontificate.

Nomor dua: Jangan menggurui.

If you want to state your opinion

Jika Anda ingin menyampaikan pendapat

without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth,

tanpa memberi ruang bagi tanggapan, sanggahan, sentilan, atau perkembangan,

write a blog.

menulislah di blog.

(Laughter)

(Tertawa)

Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show:

Ada alasan bagus kenapa saya tidak mengundang pakar dalam acara saya:

Because they're really boring.

Karena mereka sangat membosankan.

If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.

Kalau mereka konservatif, mereka pasti membenci Obama, kupon makanan, dan aborsi.

If they're liberal, they're going to hate

Kalau liberal, mereka pasti membenci

big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney.

bank besar, perusahaan minyak, dan Dick Cheney.

Totally predictable.

Sangat bisa ditebak.

And you don't want to be like that.

Dan Anda tidak mau jadi seperti mereka.

You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn.

Anda harus memasuki setiap percakapan dengan asumsi Anda akan belajar sesuatu.

The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said

Psikiater terkenal M. Scott Peck berkata

that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself.

bahwa untuk sungguh-sungguh mendengarkan, kita perlu mengesampingkan diri sendiri.

And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion.

Dan kadang itu berarti mengesampingkan pendapat pribadi Anda.

He said that sensing this acceptance,

Jika si pembicara merasa diterima,

the speaker will become less and less vulnerable

ia akan semakin merasa aman

and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses

dan lebih mungkin untuk membuka relung pemikiran terdalamnya

of his or her mind to the listener.

pada si pendengar.

Again, assume that you have something to learn.

Sekali lagi, berasumsilah bahwa Anda akan belajar sesuatu.

Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't."

Bill Nye:"Setiap orang yang akan kau temui mengetahui sesuatu yang tak kau ketahui."

I put it this way:

Begini kalau kata saya:

Everybody is an expert in something.

Setiap orang adalah ahli dalam sesuatu.

Number three: Use open-ended questions.

Nomor tiga: Gunakan pertanyaan terbuka.

In this case, take a cue from journalists.

Dalam hal ini, contohlah para wartawan.

Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how.

Awali dengan siapa, apa, kapan, di mana, mengapa atau bagaimana.

If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out.

Jika Anda memberi pertanyaan yang rumit, Anda akan mendapat jawaban singkat.

If I ask you, "Were you terrified?"

Jika saya bertanya, "Apakah Anda takut?"

you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence,

Anda akan mengambil kata yang paling menonjol dalam kalimat itu,

which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't."

yakni "takut," dan jawabannya adalah "Ya" atau "Tidak."

"Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry."

"Apakah Anda marah?" "Ya, saya sangat marah."

Let them describe it. They're the ones that know.

Biarkan mereka menggambarkannya. Merekalah yang tahu.

Try asking them things like, "What was that like?"

Cobalah menanyakan hal-hal semacam, "Seperti apa kesannya?"

"How did that feel?"

"Bagaimana rasanya?"

Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it,

Karena dengan demikian mereka mungkin akan berhenti sejenak dan berpikir,

and you're going to get a much more interesting response.

dan Anda akan mendapat tanggapan yang lebih menarik.

Number four: Go with the flow.

Nomor empat: Ikutilah aliran percakapan.

That means thoughts will come into your mind

Itu artinya, akan ada hal-hal yang muncul di pikiran Anda

and you need to let them go out of your mind.

dan Anda perlu merelakannya.

We've heard interviews often

Kita sering mendengar wawancara

in which a guest is talking for several minutes

dimana narasumbernya bicara selama beberapa menit,

and then the host comes back in and asks a question

lalu pembawa acara melanjutkan dengan pertanyaan

which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered.

yang tampak tidak berkaitan, atau yang sudah terjawab.

Itu berarti si pembawa acara mungkin sudah tidak menyimak sejak dua menit lalu

That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago

because he thought of this really clever question,

karena Ia terpikir sebuah pertanyaan yang cerdas,

and he was just bound and determined to say that.

dan dia sangat ingin menanyakannya.

And we do the exact same thing.

Dan kita melakukan hal yang persis sama.

We're sitting there having a conversation with someone,

Kita duduk dan berbincang dengan seseorang,

and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.

lalu teringat saat kita bertemu Hugh Jackman di kafe.

(Laughter)

(Tertawa)

And we stop listening.

Dan kita berhenti menyimak.

Stories and ideas are going to come to you.

Cerita dan ide akan mendatangi Anda.

You need to let them come and let them go.

Anda perlu membiarkannya datang dan merelakannya pergi.

Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know.

Nomor lima: Jika Anda tidak tahu, katakan bahwa Anda tidak tahu.

Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR,

Orang-orang di radio, khususnya NPR,

are much more aware that they're going on the record,

punya kesadaran ekstra bahwa mereka sedang direkam,

and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert in

sehingga mereka lebih berhati-hati ketika mengatakan mereka ahli

and what they claim to know for sure.

dan apa yang mereka ketahui.

Do that. Err on the side of caution.

Lakukan itu. Berhati-hatilah.

Talk should not be cheap.

Berbicara tidak boleh asal bunyi.

Number six: Don't equate your experience with theirs.

Nomor enam: Jangan bandingkan pengalaman Anda dengan pengalaman mereka.

If they're talking about having lost a family member,

Kalau mereka bercerita tentang kehilangan anggota keluarga,

don't start talking about the time you lost a family member.

jangan lantas menceritakan saat saudara Anda meninggal.

If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work,

Kalau mereka menceritakan masalah pekerjaan mereka,

don't tell them about how much you hate your job.

jangan lantas bercerita tentang betapa Anda benci pekerjaan Anda.

It's not the same. It is never the same.

Itu tidak sama. Tidak pernah sama.

All experiences are individual.

Semua pengalaman itu personal.

And, more importantly, it is not about you.

Dan yang lebih penting, ini bukan tentang Anda.

You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are

Anda tidak perlu mengambil kesempatan itu untuk membuktikan betapa hebatnya Anda

or how much you've suffered.

atau betapa menderitanya Anda.

Seseorang bertanya pada Stephen Hawking berapa IQ-nya, ia menjawab,

Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said,

"I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers."

"Aku tidak tahu. Orang yang menyombongkan IQ-nya adalah pecundang."

(Laughter)

(Tertawa)

Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.

Percakapan bukan kesempatan untuk promosi.

Number seven:

Nomor tujuh:

Try not to repeat yourself.

Cobalah tidak mengulang perkataan Anda. Itu merendahkan dan membosankan,

It's condescending, and it's really boring,

and we tend to do it a lot.

dan kita cenderung sering melakukannya.

Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids,

Terutama dalam percakapan tentang pekerjaan, atau dengan anak kita,

we have a point to make,

kita ingin menekankan sebuah pesan

so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.

sehingga kita terus mengulang-ulangnya.

Don't do that.

Jangan lakukan itu.

Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.

Nomor delapan: tidak usah bertele-tele.

Frankly, people don't care

Jujur saja, orang-orang tidak peduli

about the years, the names,

tentang tahun, nama,

the dates, all those details

tanggal, dan semua detail

that you're struggling to come up with in your mind.

yang berusaha Anda ingat.

They don't care. What they care about is you.

Mereka tidak peduli. Yang mereka pedulikan adalah Anda.

They care about what you're like,

Mereka ingin tahu seperti apa Anda,

what you have in common.

apa kesamaan kalian.

So forget the details. Leave them out.

Jadi lupakan detailnya. Tinggalkan.

Number nine:

Nomor sembilan:

This is not the last one, but it is the most important one.

Ini bukan yang terakhir, tapi ini paling penting.

Listen.

Dengarkan.

I cannot tell you how many really important people have said

Tak terhitung banyaknya orang-orang besar yang mengatakan

that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill

bahwa mendengarkan mungkin merupakan keterampilan terpenting

that you could develop.

yang bisa Anda pelajari.

Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing,

Buddha berkata, dan saya parafrasekan,

"If your mouth is open, you're not learning."

"Jika mulutmu terbuka, kamu tidak sedang belajar."

And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way out of a job."

Dan kata Calvin Coolidge, "Tidak ada orang yang pernah dipecat karena mendengarkan."

(Laughter)

(Tertawa)

Why do we not listen to each other?

Mengapa kita tidak saling mendengarkan?

Number one, we'd rather talk.

Nomor satu, kita lebih suka berbicara.

When I'm talking, I'm in control.

Ketika saya bicara, saya memegang kendali.

I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in.

Saya tidak perlu mendengar hal-hal yang tidak menarik.

I'm the center of attention.

Sayalah pusat perhatian.

I can bolster my own identity.

Saya bisa mengangkat identitas saya.

But there's another reason:

Tetapi ada sebab lain:

We get distracted.

perhatian kita mudah teralihkan.

The average person talks at about 225 word per minute,

Kecepatan bicara orang rata-rata 225 kata per menit,

but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute.

tetapi kita bisa mendengarkan hingga 500 kata per menit.

So our minds are filling in those other 275 words.

Jadi, pikiran kitalah yang mengisi 275 kata lainnya.

And look, I know, it takes effort and energy

Dan, saya tahu, perlu usaha dan energi

to actually pay attention to someone,

untuk menyimak seseorang,

but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation.

tetapi kalau Anda tidak bisa, Anda tidak sedang berbincang.

You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences

Anda hanya sedang menyerukan kalimat-kalimat tidak nyambung

in the same place.

di tempat yang sama.

(Laughter)

(Tertawa)

You have to listen to one another.

Anda harus saling mendengarkan,

Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.

seperti kata mutiara Stephen Covey,

He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand.

"Kebanyakan orang mendengarkan bukan karena ingin mengerti.

We listen with the intent to reply."

Kita mendengarkan agar dapat menjawab."

One more rule, number 10, and it's this one: Be brief.

Satu aturan lagi, nomor 10, ini dia: bicaralah dengan singkat.

[A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain interest,

[Percakapan yang baik itu ibarat rok mini; cukup pendek untuk menyita perhatian,

but long enough to cover the subject. -- My Sister]

tetapi cukup panjang untuk melingkupi subjeknya. -- Saudara Saya]

(Laughter)

(Tertawa)

(Applause)

(Tepuk tangan)

All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one:

Semua itu mengerucut ke konsep dasar yang sama, yaitu:

Be interested in other people.

tertariklah terhadap orang lain.

You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather,

Saya tumbuh besar bersama kakek saya yang terkenal.

and there was kind of a ritual in my home.

dan ada semacam ritual di rumah saya.

People would come over to talk to my grandparents,

Orang-orang datang berbincang dengan kakek-nenek saya,

and after they would leave, my mother would come over to us,

dan setelah mereka pergi, ibu saya menghampiri kami,

and she'd say, "Do you know who that was?

dan beliau bilang, "Kamu tahu siapa dia?

She was the runner-up to Miss America.

Dia adalah juara kedua Miss America.

He was the mayor of Sacramento.

Dia adalah walikota Sacramento.

She won a Pulitzer Prize. He's a Russian ballet dancer."

Dia pemenang Pulitzer Prize. Dia penari balet dari Rusia."

And I kind of grew up assuming

Dan seiring saya beranjak dewasa, saya berasumsi bahwa

everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them.

dalam diri setiap orang tersembunyi sesuatu yang hebat.

And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host.

Dan mungkin karena itulah saya menjadi pembawa acara yang lebih baik.

I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can,

Saya menutup mulut sesering mungkin,

I keep my mind open,

saya membuka pikiran,

and I'm always prepared to be amazed,

dan saya selalu bersiap untuk kagum,

and I'm never disappointed.

dan saya tidak pernah dikecewakan.

You do the same thing.

Lakukanlah hal yang sama.

Go out, talk to people,

Keluarlah, bicaralah dengan orang lain,

listen to people,

dengarkan orang lain,

and, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.

dan yang paling penting, bersiaplah untuk kagum.

Thanks.

Terima kasih.

(Applause)

(Tepuk tangan)