I got 99 problems... palsy is just one | Maysoon Zayid

Translator: Jerònia Vadell Reviewer:

Hola TEDWomen, què passa?

Hello, TEDWomen, what's up.

(Cheering)

(Aclamació)

Not good enough.

No és suficient.

Hello, TEDWomen, what is up?

Hola TEDWomen, què passa?

(Loud cheering)

(Aclamació)

My name is Maysoon Zayid,

El meu nom és Maysoon Zayid

y no estic èbria,

and I am not drunk,

but the doctor who delivered me was.

però sí el metge que em va portar al món

He cut my mom six different times

Va tallar a ma mare 6 cops

in six different directions,

en 6 direccions diferents,

suffocating poor little me in the process.

asfixiant la pobra de mi en el procés.

As a result, I have cerebral palsy,

Com a resultat, tinc paràlisi cerebral,

which means I shake all the time.

per això tremolo tot el temps.

Look.

Observin.

It's exhausting.

És esgotador. Sóc com una mescla de Shakira

I'm like Shakira, Shakira meets Muhammad Ali.

i Muhammad Alí.

(Laughter)

(Riures)

CP is not genetic.

La paràlisi cerebral no és genètica.

It's not a birth defect. You can't catch it.

No és congènita ni es pot contreure.

No one put a curse on my mother's uterus,

Ningú maleí l'úter de ma mare

and I didn't get it because my parents are first cousins,

i no la vaig adquirir perquè els meus peres fossin cosins,

which they are.

que ho són.

(Laughter)

(Riures)

It only happens from accidents,

Sols és causada per accidents,

like what happened to me on my birth day.

com el que em va succeir al néixer.

Now, I must warn you,

Ara, us adverteixo, no sóc una font d'inspiració.

I'm not inspirational.

(Laughter)

And I don't want anyone in this room to feel bad for me,

I no vull que cap dels presents

se senti malament per mi,

because at some point in your life,

perquè en algun moment de la vida,

you have dreamt of being disabled.

han desitjat ser discapacitats.

Come on a journey with me.

Anem a fer un tomb.

It's Christmas Eve, you're at the mall,

Nit de Nadal, són al centre comercial,

condueixen a la recerca d'aparcament

you're driving around in circles looking for parking,

and what do you see?

i, què veuen?

Sixteen empty handicapped spaces.

16 llocs buits per a discapacitats.

(Laughter)

I pensen: "Déu, puc ser almenys

And you're like, "God, can't I just be a little disabled?"

una miqueta discapacitat?".

(Laughter)

(Riures)

Also, I've got to tell you,

A més, els hi dic,

tinc 99 problemes, i la paràlisi sols n'és un d'ells.

I've got 99 problems, and palsy is just one.

(Laughter)

If there was an Oppression Olympics,

Si existís una olimpíada de la opressió,

I would win the gold medal.

jo guanyaria la medalla d'or.

I'm Palestinian, Muslim,

Sóc palestina, musulmana, dona, discapacitada

I'm female, I'm disabled,

and I live in New Jersey.

i visc a Nova Jersey.

(Laughter)

(Riures) (Aplaudiments)

(Applause)

If you don't feel better about yourself, maybe you should.

Si amb això no se senten millor, doncs haurien de fer-ho.

(Laughter)

Cliffside Park, New Jersey is my hometown.

Sóc de Parc Cliffside, a Nova Jersey.

I have always loved the fact

Sempre m'ha encantat que

that my hood and my affliction share the same initials.

el meu barri i la meva malaltia

portin les mateixes inicials.

I also love the fact

També m'encanta que si volgués caminar

that if I wanted to walk from my house to New York City, I could.

de casa meva a Nova York, podria.

A lot of people with CP don't walk,

Moltes persones amb paràlisi cerebral no caminen,

but my parents didn't believe in "can't."

però els meus pares no creuen en el "no es pot".

My father's mantra was,

El mantra del meu pare era:

"You can do it, yes you can can."

"Pots [can] fer-ho; ballar cancan".

(Laughter)

(Riures)

Si les meves tres germanes grans netejaven,

So, if my three older sisters were mopping,

I was mopping.

jo netejava.

If my three older sisters went to public school,

Si les tres anaven a una escola pública,

els meus pares posaven una demanda al sistema escolar

my parents would sue the school system

and guarantee that I went too,

i s'asseguraven que jo també hi pogués anar,

and if we didn't all get A's,

i si no trèiem totes la nota màxima

we all got my mother's slipper.

totes rebíem la sabatada de ma mare.

(Laughter)

(Riures)

El meu pare em va enseñar a caminar als 5 anys

My father taught me how to walk when I was five years old

col·locant els meus talons sobre els seus peus

by placing my heels on his feet

and just walking.

i simplement caminava.

Another tactic that he used

Una altra tàctica que utilitzava era penjar

is he would dangle a dollar bill in front of me

un dòlar davant meu per tal que jo el perseguís.

and have me chase it.

(Laughter)

(Riures)

La stripper que porto dintre era molt forta i...

My inner stripper was very strong.

(Laughter)

(Riures)

Yeah.

Sí. El primer dia a l'escoleta

No, by the first day of kindergarten,

I was walking like a champ

caminava com un campió de boxa

que ha rebut molts cops.

who had been punched one too many times.

(Laughter)

Growing up, there were only six Arabs in my town,

Així, com anava creixent, sols hi havia 6 àrabs a la meva ciutat

and they were all my family.

i tots eren de la família.

(Laughter)

Now there are 20 Arabs in town,

Ara hi ha 20 àrabs,

and they are still all my family.

i segueixen sent tots de la família. (Riures)

(Laughter)

I don't think anyone even noticed we weren't Italian.

Crec que ningú no va sospitar que no érem italians.

(Laughter)

(Riures) (Aplaudiments)

(Applause)

This was before 9/11

Això va ser abans de l'11-S i de que els polítics

and before politicians thought it was appropriate

creguessin oportú utilitzar "Odio els musulmans"

to use "I hate Muslims" as a campaign slogan.

com a lema de campanya.

Les persones amb les que vaig créixer no tenien problemes amb la meva fe.

The people that I grew up with had no problem with my faith.

They did, however, seem very concerned

No obstant, semblava preocupar-los molt

that I would starve to death during Ramadan.

que em morís de fam durant el ramadà.

I would explain to them that I have enough fat

Jo els hi deia que tenia prou greix

to live off of for three whole months,

per a viure 3 mesos sencers sense menjar,

so fasting from sunrise to sunset is a piece of cake.

així que estar en dejú de la matinada fins a la posta de sol és molt fàcil.

(Laughter)

I have tap-danced on Broadway.

Vaig ballar tap a Broadway.

Yeah, on Broadway. It's crazy.

Sí, a Broadway. És de bojos. (Aplaudiments)

(Applause)

My parents couldn't afford physical therapy,

Els meus pares no podien pagar la teràpia física,

so they sent me to dancing school.

per aquest motiu m'enviaven a l'escola de dansa.

I learned how to dance in heels,

Vaig aprendre a baillar amb sabates de taló,

which means I can walk in heels.

o sigui que puc caminar amb sabates de taló.

Sóc de Nova Jersey,

And I'm from Jersey,

and we are really concerned with being chic,

i allà volem ser "chic",

així que les meves amigues calçaven sabates de taló, i jo també.

so if my friends wore heels, so did I.

And when my friends went and spent their summer vacations

I quan les meves amigues anaven a passar les vacances d'estiu

on the Jersey Shore, I did not.

a la costa de Jersey, jo no hi anava.

I spent my summers in a war zone,

Jo passava els estius en una zona de guerra,

because my parents were afraid

perquè els meus pares temien

that if we didn't go back to Palestine every single summer,

que si no tornàvem a Palestina

tots els estius,

we'd grow up to be Madonna.

ens transformaríem en Madonna.

(Laughter)

(Riures)

Summer vacations often consisted of my father trying to heal me,

Durant les vacances d'estiu sovint

mon pare intentava curar-me

així que jo bevia llet de cérvol,

so I drank deer's milk,

I had hot cups on my back,

em posaven tasses calentes a l'esquena,

I was dunked in the Dead Sea,

em submergia al Mar Mort,

and I remember the water burning my eyes

i recordo que l'aigua em cremava els ulls

and thinking, "It's working! It's working!"

i pensava: "Funciona, funciona!".

(Laughter)

(Riures)

But one miracle cure we did find was yoga.

Però la cura miraculosa va ser el ioga.

I have to tell you, it's very boring,

He de dir que és molt avorrit,

but before I did yoga,

però abans de fer ioga

I was a stand-up comedian who can't stand up.

era una comediant d'stand-up que no podia posar-se de peu [stand up].

And now I can stand on my head.

I ara puc mantenir-me sobre el meu cap.

My parents reinforced this notion

Els meus pares varen reforçar aquesta idea

that I could do anything,

de que podia fer qualsevol cosa,

that no dream was impossible,

de que cap somni no era impossible,

and my dream was to be

i el meu somni era participar

on the daytime soap opera "General Hospital."

a la telenovel·la Hospital General.

(Laughter)

Vaig anar a la universitat mitjançant la discriminació positiva

I went to college during affirmative action

and got a sweet scholarship to ASU,

i vaig aconseguir una beca per a la UEA,

Arizona State University,

Universitat de l'Estat d'Arizona,

because I fit every single quota.

perquè entrava a totes les quotes.

(Laughter)

Era com un lèmur mascota del departament de teatre.

I was like the pet lemur of the theater department.

Everybody loved me.

Tothom m'adorava.

I did all the less-than-intelligent kids' homework,

Vaig fer totes les feines dels menys intel·ligents,

I got A's in all of my classes,

vaig treure la nota més alta de la meva classe,

A's in all of their classes.

i també de la seva classe.

(Laughter)

Cada cop que interpretava una escena

Every time I did a scene from "The Glass Menagerie,"

de El zoo de cristall

my professors would weep.

els meus professors ploraven.

But I never got cast.

Però mai no vaig aconseguir el paper.

Finally, my senior year,

Finalment, en el meu últim any,

ASU decided to do a show called "They Dance Real Slow in Jackson."

la UEA va decidir realitzar una obra anomenada

Ballen molt lent a Jackson.

It's a play about a girl with CP.

És una obra d'una noia amb paràlisi cerebral.

I was a girl with CP.

Jo era una noia amb paràlisi cerebral.

So I start shouting from the rooftops,

Així que vaig començar a cridar als quatre vents:

"I'm finally going to get a part!

"Finalment tindré un paper!"

I have cerebral palsy!

Tinc paràlisi cerebral!

Free at last! Free at last!

A la fi lliure! A la fi lliure!

Thank God almighty, I'm free at last!"

Gracies a Déu totpoderós, a la fi sóc lliure!

I didn't get the part.

No vaig aconseguir el paper. (Riures)

(Laughter)

Sherry Brown got the part.

L'hi donaren a la Sherry Brown.

Vaig anar a intimidar a la directora del departament de teatre,

I went racing to the head of the theater department

crying hysterically, like someone shot my cat,

plorant histèricament, com si algú 'hagués matat el meu gat,

a demanar-li per què

to ask her why,

and she said it was because they didn't think I could do the stunts.

i ella em va respondre que perquè

creien que no podria fer les escenes de risc.

I said, "Excuse me, if I can't do the stunts,

I li vaig dir: "Perdoni, si jo no puc fer les escenes de risc,

neither can the character."

el meu personatge tampoc no pot ".

(Laughter)

(Riures) (Aplaudiments)

(Applause)

This was a part that I was literally born to play

Era un paper pel qual literalment havia nascut

they gave it to a non-palsy actress.

i li varen donar a una actriu sense paràlisi cerebral.

La universitat estava imitant la meva vida.

College was imitating life.

Hollywood has a sordid history

Hollywood té una sòrdida història

of casting able-bodied actors to play disabled onscreen.

d'utilitzar actors sense discapacitat

per a papers de discapacitats.

Upon graduating, I moved back home,

Un cop graduada, vaig tornar a casa,

and my first acting gig was as an extra on a daytime soap opera.

i la meva primera gira com a actriu va ser

fent d'extra a una telenovel·la.

My dream was coming true.

El meu somni s'havia complert.

And I knew that I would be promoted

I sabia que rebria una promoció

from "Diner Diner" to "Wacky Best Friend" in no time.

de "companya" a "millor amiga boja" en un tres i no res.

(Laughter)

But instead, I remained a glorified piece of furniture

En canvi, vaig quedar allà com un estaquirot,

that you could only recognize from the back of my head,

no se'm veia res més que l'esquena,

and it became clear to me

i era evident per a mi

that casting directors

que els directors de repartiment

didn't hire fluffy, ethnic, disabled actors.

no contractaven actrius grassonetes, no blanques, amb discapacitat.

They only hired perfect people.

Sols contractaven a persones perfectes.

But there were exceptions to the rule.

Però hi havia excepcions a la regla.

I grew up watching Whoopi Goldberg,

Vaig créixer veient la Whoopi Goldberg,

Roseanne Barr, Ellen,

Roseanne Barr, Ellen...

and all of these women had one thing in common:

i totes aquestes dones tenien una cosa en comú:

they were comedians.

eren comediants.

So I became a comic.

Per aquest motiu em vaig fer humorista.

(Laughter)

(Riures) (Aplaudiments)

(Applause)

My first gig was driving famous comics

Durant la meva primera gira vaig portar còmics famosos

from New York City to shows in New Jersey,

de Nova York a Nova Jersey,

and I'll never forget the face of the first comic I ever drove

i mai no oblidaré la cara del primer còmic

que vaig portar quan va adonar-se

when he realized that he was speeding down the New Jersey Turnpike

de que anava a alta velocitat per l'autopista de Nova Jersey

with a chick with CP driving him.

amb una conductora que tenia parálisi cerebral.

(Laughter)

I've performed in clubs all over America,

Vaig treballar en clubs d'arreu d'EEUU,

and I've also performed in Arabic in the Middle East,

i també en àrab a l'Orient Pròxim,

uncensored and uncovered.

sense censura i sense mocador.

(Laughter)

Some people say I'm the first stand-up comic in the Arab world.

Alguns diuen que sóc la primera

monologuista del món àrab.

I never like to claim first,

Mai no m'ha agradat reclamar el primer lloc,

but I do know that they never heard

però sí sé que mai no havien escoltat

that nasty little rumor that women aren't funny,

aquell petit murmuri desagradable que diu que les dones no som divertides,

and they find us hysterical.

i ens troben molt divertides.

(Laughter)

In 2003, my brother from another mother and father

Al 2003, el meu germà d'una altra mare i pare,

Dean Obeidallah and I started

Dean Obeidallah, i jo llançarem

the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival,

el Festival de la Comèdia anglo-àrab de Nova York,

now in its 10th year.

ara en el seu desè aniversari.

El nostre objectiu era canviar la imatge negativa

Our goal was to change the negative image of Arab-Americans in media,

dels àrab-nord-americans als mitjans de comunicació

while also reminding casting directors

i al mateix temps recordar als directors de repartiment

that South Asian and Arab are not synonymous.

que sud-asiàtic i àrab no són sinònims.

(Laughter)

(Riures)

Mainstreaming Arabs was much, much easier

Integrar als àrabs fou molt més fàcil

que lluitar contra el repte

than conquering the challenge against the stigma against disability.

de l'estigma de la discapacitat.

My big break came in 2010.

La meva gran oportunitat va arribar el 2010.

I was invited to be a guest on the cable news show

Vaig anar com a convidada

al programa de noticies per cable

"Countdown with Keith Olbermann."

Compte enrere amb Keith Olbermann.

I walked in looking like I was going to the prom,

Vaig entrar com si fos un ball de graduació.

and they shuffle me into a studio

em varen arrossegar a un estudi

and seat me on a spinning, rolling chair.

i em varen seure a una cadira de rodes.

(Laughter)

Vaig mirar a la directora i li vaig dir:

So I looked at the stage manager

and I'm like, "Excuse me, can I have another chair?"

"Perdoni, pot donar-me una altra cadira?".

And she looked at me and she went,

Ella em va mirar i digué:

"Cinc, quatre, tres, dos...".

"Five, four, three, two ..."

And we were live, right?

I era en directe!

So I had to grip onto the anchor's desk

Així que em vaig abraçar a l'escriptori del presentador

so that I wouldn't roll off the screen during the segment,

per no sortir rodant de la pantalla durant el segment,

and when the interview was over, I was livid.

i quan va acabar l'entrevista, estava pàlida.

I had finally gotten my chance and I blew it,

Finalment vaig tenir la meva oportunitat i la vaig desaprofitar.

and I knew I would never get invited back.

Sabia que no tornarien a convidar-me.

But not only did Mr. Olbermann invite me back,

Però no sols el senyor Olbermann va tornar a convidar-me,

he made me a full-time contributor,

sinó que vaig quedar com a participant a temps complet

and he taped down my chair.

i va enganxar la meva cadira.

(Laughter)

(Riures) (Aplaudiments)

(Applause)

One fun fact I learned while on the air with Keith Olbermann

Quelcom divertit que vaig aprendre del directe

amb Keith Olbermann

was that humans on the Internet are scumbags.

fou que les persones per Internet són escòria.

(Laughter)

Es diu que els nens són cruels,

People say children are cruel,

però mai no se'n rigueren de mi ni de nena ni de gran

but I was never made fun of as a child or an adult.

Suddenly, my disability on the world wide web is fair game.

De cop, la meva discapacitat a Internet, va esdevenir motiu de burla.

I would look at clips online and see comments like,

Veia clips en línia

amb comentaris com:

"Yo, why's she tweakin'?"

"Per què tremola?",

"Yo, is she retarded?"

"És retardada?".

And my favorite, "Poor Gumby-mouth terrorist.

I el meu preferit: "Pobre bufona terrorista.

What does she suffer from?

Quina malaltia té?

We should really pray for her."

Realment hauríem de pregar per ella".

One commenter even suggested that I add my disability to my credits:

Un comentarista va suggerir inclús

que afegís la meva discapacitat al currículum:

screenwriter, comedian, palsy.

guionista, comediant, paralítica.

La discapacitat és tan visual com la raça.

Disability is as visual as race.

Si algú en cadira de rodes no pot fer de Beyoncé,

If a wheelchair user can't play Beyoncé,

then Beyoncé can't play a wheelchair user.

aleshores Beyoncé no pot fer d'algú en cadira de rodes.

The disabled are the largest —

Els discapacitats són la...

Yeah, clap for that, man. Come on.

Sí, aplaudeixin, home. Va.

(Applause)

(Aplaudiments)

People with disabilities are the largest minority in the world,

Els discapacitats som la minoria més gran

del món, i tot i així els menys representats

and we are the most underrepresented in entertainment.

en el món de l'entreteniment.

Els metges deien que no caminaria,

The doctors said that I wouldn't walk,

but I am here in front of you.

però sóc aquí davant de vosaltres.

No obstant, si hagués crescut amb els mitjans de comunicació,

However, if I grew up with social media,

I don't think I would be.

no crec que fos aquí.

I hope that together,

Espero que junts

we can create more positive images

poguem crear imatges més positives

of disability in the media and in everyday life.

de la discapacitat en els mitjans i en la vida quotidiana.

Perhaps if there were more positive images,

Potser si hi hagués imatges més positives,

it would foster less hate on the Internet.

això fomentaria menys l'odi a Internet.

O per ventura no.

Or maybe not.

Maybe it still takes a village to teach our children well.

Tal volta encara necessitem a tota la societat

per educar bé els nostres nens.

My crooked journey has taken me to some very spectacular places.

El meu tortuós viatge m'ha portat

a llocs espectaculars.

I got to walk the red carpet

Vaig arribar a caminar per la catifa vermella

flanked by soap diva Susan Lucci

flanquejada per la diva de les telenovel·les Susan Lucci

and the iconic Loreen Arbus.

i la cèlebre Lorraine Arbus.

I got to act in a movie with Adam Sandler

He arribat a actuar en una pel·lícula amb Adam Sandler

and work with my idol, the amazing Dave Matthews.

i a treballar amb el meu ídol,

l'increïble Dave Matthews.

I toured the world as a headliner on Arabs Gone Wild.

He recorregut el món pilotant

"Els àrabs s'ha tornat bojos".

I was a delegate representing the great state of New Jersey

He estat delegada

en representació del gran estat de Nova Jersey

at the 2008 DNC.

a la CND del 2008.

And I founded Maysoon's Kids,

I he fundat "Els nen de Maysoon",

a charity that hopes to give Palestinian refugee children

una organització benèfica

per a donar als nens refugiats palestins

una ínfima part del que els meus pares em varen donar a mi.

a sliver of the chance my parents gave me.

But the one moment that stands out the most

Però el moment més important

was when I got -- before this moment --

-abans d'avui- va ser quan...

(Laughter)

(Riures) (Aplaudiments)

(Applause)

But the one moment that stands out the most

El moment més memorable

was when I got to perform

va ser quan vaig actuar

per a l'home que vola com una papallona

for the man who floats like a butterfly

and stings like a bee,

i pica com una abella,

has Parkinson's and shakes just like me,

té Parkinson i es remena com jo,

Muhammad Ali.

Muhammad Alí.

(Applause)

(Aplaudiments)

(Applause ends)

It was the only time that my father ever saw me perform live,

Va ser l'únic cop

que mon pare em va veure actuar en directe,

i l'hi dedico aquesta xerrada a la seva memòria.

and I dedicate this talk to his memory.

(Arabic) Allah yerhamak yaba.

الله يرحمك يابا [descansa en pau, pare]

(English) My name is Maysoon Zayid,

El meu nom és Maysoon Zayid,

and if I can can, you can can.

i si jo puc, vosaltres també podeu.

(Cheering)

(Aplaudiments)

(Applause)