I got 99 problems... palsy is just one | Maysoon Zayid

Prevoditelj: Marija Marčetić Recezent: Katarina Smetko

Bok, TEDWomen, kako ide?

Hello, TEDWomen, what's up.

(Cheering)

(Klicanje)

Not good enough.

Možete vi i bolje!

Hello, TEDWomen, what is up?

Bok, TEDWomen, kako ide?

(Loud cheering)

(Klicanje)

My name is Maysoon Zayid,

Zovem se Maysoon Zayid

i nisam pijana,

and I am not drunk,

but the doctor who delivered me was.

za razliku od liječnika koji me porodio.

He cut my mom six different times

Porezao je moju majku šest puta,

in six different directions,

na šest različitih načina,

suffocating poor little me in the process.

i usput jadnoj meni presjekao dotok kisika.

As a result, I have cerebral palsy,

Zbog toga imam cerebralnu paralizu,

which means I shake all the time.

što znači da se stalno tresem.

Look.

Pogledajte!

It's exhausting.

Baš zamorno! Kao miks Shakire, Shakire

I'm like Shakira, Shakira meets Muhammad Ali.

i Muhammada Alija.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

CP is not genetic.

Cerebralna paraliza nije genetski uvjetovana.

It's not a birth defect. You can't catch it.

Nije urođena mana i nije zarazna.

No one put a curse on my mother's uterus,

Nitko nije bacio urok na utrobu moje majke

and I didn't get it because my parents are first cousins,

i nisam je dobila zato što su mi roditelji u rodu,

which they are.

iako jesu.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

It only happens from accidents,

Ona je isključivo rezultat nezgode,

like what happened to me on my birth day.

poput one koja me zadesila kad sam se rodila.

Now, I must warn you,

Moram vas upozoriti, nisam tu da vas nadahnem

I'm not inspirational.

(Laughter)

And I don't want anyone in this room to feel bad for me,

i ne želim da me itko u ovoj prostoriji

sažalijeva

because at some point in your life,

jer ste u nekom trenutku svog života,

you have dreamt of being disabled.

sigurno sanjali o tome da budete invalid.

Come on a journey with me.

Uzmimo za primjer ovu situaciju:

It's Christmas Eve, you're at the mall,

Badnjak je, vi ste u šoping centru,

kružite po parkiralištu u potrazi za mjestom,

you're driving around in circles looking for parking,

and what do you see?

i što ugledate?

Sixteen empty handicapped spaces.

Šesnaest praznih parkirnih mjesta za osobe s invaliditetom!

(Laughter)

I pomislite: "Bože, zašto nisam

And you're like, "God, can't I just be a little disabled?"

barem mrvicu hendikepiran?"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Also, I've got to tell you,

I moram vam reći,

imam 99 problema, a paraliza je samo jedan od njih.

I've got 99 problems, and palsy is just one.

(Laughter)

If there was an Oppression Olympics,

Da postoji Olimpijada diskriminacije,

I would win the gold medal.

ja bih osvojila zlatnu medalju.

I'm Palestinian, Muslim,

Palestinka sam, muslimanka, žena i osoba s invaliditetom,

I'm female, I'm disabled,

and I live in New Jersey.

a uz to i živim u New Jerseyju.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh) (Pljesak)

(Applause)

If you don't feel better about yourself, maybe you should.

Sad bi vam se vlastiti život trebao činiti mrvicu boljim!

(Laughter)

Cliffside Park, New Jersey is my hometown.

Dolazim iz mjesta Cliffside Park u New Jerseyju.

I have always loved the fact

Uvijek mi je bilo super to što

that my hood and my affliction share the same initials.

moj grad i moje stanje

nose iste inicijale.

I also love the fact

Super mi je i to što bih, kad bih željela pješice krenuti

that if I wanted to walk from my house to New York City, I could.

iz svoje kuće u New York, to i mogla.

A lot of people with CP don't walk,

Mnogi ljudi s cerebralnom paralizom ne mogu hodati,

but my parents didn't believe in "can't."

no moji roditelji ne priznaju izraz "ne mogu"

My father's mantra was,

Mojem ocu mantra je bila:

"You can do it, yes you can can."

"Ti to možeš, ti to mo-žeš, ti-to-mo-žeš!"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Kad god su moje tri starije sestre prale podove,

So, if my three older sisters were mopping,

I was mopping.

i ja sam prala podove.

If my three older sisters went to public school,

Kad su moje tri starije sestre krenule u školu,

moji su roditelji tužili ministarstvo

my parents would sue the school system

and guarantee that I went too,

kako bi zajamčili da idem i ja.

and if we didn't all get A's,

A kad nismo sve imale petice,

we all got my mother's slipper.

mama bi nas sve gađala papučom.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Otac me naučio hodati kad sam imala pet godina,

My father taught me how to walk when I was five years old

tako što je stavio moje pete na svoja stopala

by placing my heels on his feet

and just walking.

i krenuo hodati.

Another tactic that he used

Imao je još jedan trik: mahao bi

is he would dangle a dollar bill in front of me

novčanicom od jednog dolara, a ja bih je pokušavala uhvatiti.

and have me chase it.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Imam dušu striptizete, pa sam...

My inner stripper was very strong.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Yeah.

Da! Već prvi dan vrtića,

No, by the first day of kindergarten,

I was walking like a champ

hodala sam kao prava

prebijena boksačica.

who had been punched one too many times.

(Laughter)

Growing up, there were only six Arabs in my town,

Kad sam bila mala, u mom gradu živjelo je šest Arapa

and they were all my family.

i sa svima sam bila u rodu.

(Laughter)

Now there are 20 Arabs in town,

Sad ondje živi dvadeset Arapa

and they are still all my family.

i još uvijek sam sa svima u rodu. (Smijeh)

(Laughter)

I don't think anyone even noticed we weren't Italian.

Nitko valjda nije ni skužio da nismo Talijani!

(Laughter)

(Smijeh) (Pljesak)

(Applause)

This was before 9/11

To je bilo prije 11. rujna, prije nego su političari

and before politicians thought it was appropriate

počeli koristiti "Mrzim muslimane!"

to use "I hate Muslims" as a campaign slogan.

kao prihvatljiv politički slogan.

Ljudi s kojima sam odrastala nisu imali ništa protiv moje vjere.

The people that I grew up with had no problem with my faith.

They did, however, seem very concerned

Međutim, jako su se bojali

that I would starve to death during Ramadan.

da ću umrijeti od gladi za vrijeme Ramazana.

I would explain to them that I have enough fat

Objašnjavala sam im da imam dovoljno sala

to live off of for three whole months,

da preživim tri mjeseca,

so fasting from sunrise to sunset is a piece of cake.

i da je post od jutra do mraka totalna laganica.

(Laughter)

I have tap-danced on Broadway.

Plesala sam step na Broadwayju.

Yeah, on Broadway. It's crazy.

Da, na Broadwayju! Totalna ludnica! (Pljesak)

(Applause)

My parents couldn't afford physical therapy,

Moji nisu imali novca da me pošalju na fizikalnu terapiju,

so they sent me to dancing school.

pa su me poslali u plesnu školu.

I learned how to dance in heels,

Naučila sam plesati u petama,

which means I can walk in heels.

pa znam i hodati u petama.

Ja sam iz New Jerseyja,

And I'm from Jersey,

and we are really concerned with being chic,

a tamo smo vam svi veliki šminkeri,

tako da sam nosila pete kad i moje frendice.

so if my friends wore heels, so did I.

And when my friends went and spent their summer vacations

A kad su moje frendice odlazile na ljetovanje

on the Jersey Shore, I did not.

na obalu Jerseyja, ja nisam!

I spent my summers in a war zone,

Ja sam išla na ljetovanje u ratnu zonu

because my parents were afraid

jer su se moji bojali da ćemo se,

that if we didn't go back to Palestine every single summer,

ne budemo li se vraćali u Palestinu

svako božje ljeto,

we'd grow up to be Madonna.

kad odrastemo, pretvoriti u Madonnu.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Summer vacations often consisted of my father trying to heal me,

Ljetni praznici često su uključivali

pokušaje mog oca da me iscijeli,

pa sam tako pila srneće mlijeko,

so I drank deer's milk,

I had hot cups on my back,

po meni su slagali vruće kamenje

I was dunked in the Dead Sea,

i umakali me u Mrtvo more.

and I remember the water burning my eyes

Sjećam se kako sam, dok me voda pekla za oči,

and thinking, "It's working! It's working!"

mislila: "Upalilo je! Upalilo je!"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

But one miracle cure we did find was yoga.

No, jedini čudesni lijek koji smo otkrili bila je joga.

I have to tell you, it's very boring,

Priznajem da je joga strašno dosadna,

but before I did yoga,

no prije nego sam se počela njome baviti,

I was a stand-up comedian who can't stand up.

doslovno nisam mogla stati pred publiku.

And now I can stand on my head.

A sada mogu stajati i na rukama!

My parents reinforced this notion

Roditelji su u meni poticali stav

that I could do anything,

da mogu postići što god želim,

that no dream was impossible,

da nijedan san nije nedostižan,

and my dream was to be

a moj je san bio

on the daytime soap opera "General Hospital."

glumiti u sapunici "General Hospital".

(Laughter)

Krenula sam na faks kad su uveli kvote za manjine

I went to college during affirmative action

and got a sweet scholarship to ASU,

i osvojila finu stipendiju za ASU,

Arizona State University,

Državno sveučilište u Arizoni,

because I fit every single quota.

jer nije bilo kvote u koju nisam upala.

(Laughter)

Bila sam ljubimac dramskog odsjeka.

I was like the pet lemur of the theater department.

Everybody loved me.

Svi su me obožavali.

I did all the less-than-intelligent kids' homework,

Pisala sam zadaće onima koji nisu bili baš najbistriji,

I got A's in all of my classes,

dobivala petice iz svih predmeta,

A's in all of their classes.

a bome i petice iz svih njihovih predmeta.

(Laughter)

Kad god bih odglumila prizor

Every time I did a scene from "The Glass Menagerie,"

iz "Staklene menažerije"

my professors would weep.

profesori su bili u suzama.

But I never got cast.

Ali nikad nisam dobila nijednu ulogu!

Finally, my senior year,

Napokon, godinu dana pred diplomu,

ASU decided to do a show called "They Dance Real Slow in Jackson."

fakultet je odlučio postaviti predstavu pod naslovom

"They Dance Real Slow in Jackson" ("U Jacksonu plešu jako polako").

It's a play about a girl with CP.

U predstavi se radi o curi s cerebralnom paralizom.

I was a girl with CP.

Ja sam bila cura s cerebralnom paralizom!

So I start shouting from the rooftops,

Bila sam presretna!

"I'm finally going to get a part!

Napokon ću dobiti ulogu!

I have cerebral palsy!

Imam cerebralnu paralizu!

Free at last! Free at last!

Napokon mi je osvanulo!

Thank God almighty, I'm free at last!"

Hvala dragom Bogu, napokon mi je osvanulo!

I didn't get the part.

Nisam dobila tu ulogu. (Smijeh)

(Laughter)

Sherry Brown got the part.

Dobila ju je Sherry Brown.

Odjurila sam u ured predsjednice dramskog odsjeka,

I went racing to the head of the theater department

crying hysterically, like someone shot my cat,

sva u suzama, kao da mi je netko ubio mačku

i pitala je zašto.

to ask her why,

and she said it was because they didn't think I could do the stunts.

Odgovorila mi je da je to zato

što su mislili da bi uloga bila previše fizički zahtjevna za mene.

I said, "Excuse me, if I can't do the stunts,

Rekla sam joj: "Molim vas lijepo, ako ja nešto od toga ne mogu izvesti,

neither can the character."

onda to ne može ni taj lik!"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh) (Pljesak)

(Applause)

This was a part that I was literally born to play

Bila sam doslovno rođena za tu ulogu,

they gave it to a non-palsy actress.

a oni su je dali glumici bez cerebralne paralize!

Na fakultetu je bilo kao u životu.

College was imitating life.

Hollywood has a sordid history

Hollywood je, nažalost, poznat po tome

of casting able-bodied actors to play disabled onscreen.

što daje glumcima bez invaliditeta

uloge osoba s invaliditetom.

Upon graduating, I moved back home,

Nakon diplome, vratila sam se kući,

and my first acting gig was as an extra on a daytime soap opera.

a moj prvi glumački angažman bilo je

statiranje u sapunici.

My dream was coming true.

Moj se san ostvarivao.

And I knew that I would be promoted

Znala sam da ću začas napredovati od

from "Diner Diner" to "Wacky Best Friend" in no time.

"gosta u restoranu" do "uvrnute najbolje prijateljice".

(Laughter)

But instead, I remained a glorified piece of furniture

No i dalje sam ostala komad živog namještaja

that you could only recognize from the back of my head,

kojemu se na ekranu vidi samo tjeme.

and it became clear to me

Postalo mi je jasno

that casting directors

da producenti ne daju uloge

didn't hire fluffy, ethnic, disabled actors.

otkačenim pripadnicima manjina s invaliditetom.

They only hired perfect people.

Davali su ih samo savršenima.

But there were exceptions to the rule.

Ipak, postojale su i iznimke od tog pravila.

I grew up watching Whoopi Goldberg,

Odrasla sam gledajući Whoopi Goldberg,

Roseanne Barr, Ellen,

Roseanne Barr i Ellen,

and all of these women had one thing in common:

a svima je njima bila zajednička jedna stvar:

they were comedians.

bile su komičarke.

So I became a comic.

Tako sam i ja poslala komičarka!

(Laughter)

(Smijeh) (Pljesak)

(Applause)

My first gig was driving famous comics

Prvo su me angažirali da prevozim slavne komičare

from New York City to shows in New Jersey,

iz New Yorka na nastupe u New Jerseyju

and I'll never forget the face of the first comic I ever drove

i nikad neću zaboraviti izraz na licu prvog komičara

kojeg sam vozila kad je shvatio

when he realized that he was speeding down the New Jersey Turnpike

da juri jerseyskom zaobilaznicom

with a chick with CP driving him.

sa ženom s cerebralnom paralizom za volanom!

(Laughter)

I've performed in clubs all over America,

Nastupala sam u klubovima diljem Amerike,

and I've also performed in Arabic in the Middle East,

a održavala sam i nastupe na arapskom, na Bliskom istoku,

uncensored and uncovered.

bez cenzure i bez vela!

(Laughter)

Some people say I'm the first stand-up comic in the Arab world.

Kažu da sam prva

stand-up komičarka koja je nastupala u arapskom svjetu.

I never like to claim first,

Ne volim tvrditi da sam u nečemu prva,

but I do know that they never heard

ali znam da oni tamo nikad nisu čuli

that nasty little rumor that women aren't funny,

onu gadnu priču da žene nisu duhovite.

and they find us hysterical.

Oni umiru od smijeha od nas.

(Laughter)

In 2003, my brother from another mother and father

Godine 2003., moj brat s kojim nisam u krvnoj vezi,

Dean Obeidallah and I started

Dean Obeidallah, i ja osnovali smo

the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival,

Arapsko-američki festival komedije u New Yorku,

now in its 10th year.

koji se održava već desetu godinu.

Cilj nam je bio promijeniti negativnu sliku

Our goal was to change the negative image of Arab-Americans in media,

o Amerikancima arapskog podrijetla koja postoji u medijima

while also reminding casting directors

i razviti svijest kod filmskih producenata

that South Asian and Arab are not synonymous.

da "južnoazijsko" nije isto što i "arapsko".

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Mainstreaming Arabs was much, much easier

Promijeniti percepciju Arapa bilo je mnogo lakše

nego pobijediti

than conquering the challenge against the stigma against disability.

stigmu invaliditeta.

My big break came in 2010.

Moj se veliki proboj dogodio 2010.

I was invited to be a guest on the cable news show

Pozvali su me da gostujem

u informativnoj emisiji na kabelskoj televiziji

"Countdown with Keith Olbermann."

"Countdown With Keith Olbermann" ("Odbrojavanje s Keithom Olbermannom)".

I walked in looking like I was going to the prom,

Došla sam tamo odjevena kao za maturalnu,

and they shuffle me into a studio

kad li me uvedu u studio

and seat me on a spinning, rolling chair.

i posjednu u stolicu koja je imala kotačiće i okretala se.

(Laughter)

I tako, pogledam inscipijenticu i kažem:

So I looked at the stage manager

and I'm like, "Excuse me, can I have another chair?"

"Oprostite, mogu li dobiti drugu stolicu?"

And she looked at me and she went,

a ona mi uzvrati pogled i kaže:

"Pet, četiri, tri, dva, ..."

"Five, four, three, two ..."

And we were live, right?

A išli smo uživo!

So I had to grip onto the anchor's desk

Morala sam se uhvatiti za voditeljev stol

so that I wouldn't roll off the screen during the segment,

da se ne bih otkotrljala iz kadra za vrijeme trajanja priloga.

and when the interview was over, I was livid.

Kad je intervju završio, bila sam bijesna.

I had finally gotten my chance and I blew it,

Napokon sam dobila priliku, i uprskala je.

and I knew I would never get invited back.

Znala sam da me više neće zvati.

But not only did Mr. Olbermann invite me back,

Ali ne samo da me g. Olbermann ponovno pozvao,

he made me a full-time contributor,

promaknuo me u redovitog korespondenta

and he taped down my chair.

i pričvrstio moju stolicu za pod.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh) (Pljesak)

(Applause)

One fun fact I learned while on the air with Keith Olbermann

Jedna stvar koju sam naučila dok sam radila

s Keithom Olbermannom

was that humans on the Internet are scumbags.

jest da su ljudi na internetu odvratni.

(Laughter)

Ljudi kažu da su djeca okrutna,

People say children are cruel,

ali meni se nikad nisu rugali ni kao djetetu ni kao odrasloj osobi.

but I was never made fun of as a child or an adult.

Suddenly, my disability on the world wide web is fair game.

No, na internetu je moj hendikep naglo postao predmetom poruge.

I would look at clips online and see comments like,

Gledala bih snimke na internetu

i vidjela komentare poput:

"Yo, why's she tweakin'?"

"Šta se ova toliko drma?"

"Yo, is she retarded?"

"Jel ona retardirana?"

And my favorite, "Poor Gumby-mouth terrorist.

I moj osobni favorit: "Jadna zbrčkana teroristica.

What does she suffer from?

Koji je njezin problem?

We should really pray for her."

Moramo se moliti za nju."

One commenter even suggested that I add my disability to my credits:

Jedan je komentator čak predložio

da dodam svoj hendikep svojem popisu postignuća:

screenwriter, comedian, palsy.

"scenaristica, komičarka, paralitičarka"

Tjelesni je hendikep je vidljiv koliko i rasa.

Disability is as visual as race.

Ako osoba u kolicima ne može glumiti Beyoncé,

If a wheelchair user can't play Beyoncé,

then Beyoncé can't play a wheelchair user.

onda ni Beyoncé ne može glumiti osobu u kolicima.

The disabled are the largest —

Osobe s invaliditetom najveća su...

Yeah, clap for that, man. Come on.

Tako je, da čujem jedan pljesak za to!

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

People with disabilities are the largest minority in the world,

Osobe s invaliditetom su najveća manjina

na svijetu, a najmanje su zastupljeni

and we are the most underrepresented in entertainment.

u medijima.

Liječnici su rekli da nikad neću moći hodati,

The doctors said that I wouldn't walk,

but I am here in front of you.

ali ja danas stojim pred vama.

No, da sam odrasla uz društvene mreže,

However, if I grew up with social media,

I don't think I would be.

mislim da to ne bi bilo tako.

I hope that together,

Nadam se da zajedno

we can create more positive images

možemo stvoriti pozitivnije prikaze

of disability in the media and in everyday life.

invaliditeta u medijima i svakodnevnom životu.

Perhaps if there were more positive images,

Da postoji više takvih pozitivnih prikaza,

it would foster less hate on the Internet.

možda bi privlačio manje mržnje na internetu.

A možda i ne bi!

Or maybe not.

Maybe it still takes a village to teach our children well.

Možda je još uvijek cijelo društvo

odgovorno za dobar odgoj djece.

My crooked journey has taken me to some very spectacular places.

Moje me putovanje odvelo

na neka fantastična mjesta.

I got to walk the red carpet

Prošla sam crvenim tepihom

flanked by soap diva Susan Lucci

između zvijezde sapunica Susan Lucci

and the iconic Loreen Arbus.

i legendarne Lorraine Arbus.

I got to act in a movie with Adam Sandler

Glumila sam u filmu s Adamom Sandlerom

and work with my idol, the amazing Dave Matthews.

i surađivala sa svojim idolom,

genijalnim Daveom Matthewsom.

I toured the world as a headliner on Arabs Gone Wild.

Obišla sam svijet kao glavni izvođač

trupe "Arabs Gone Wild"

I was a delegate representing the great state of New Jersey

Bila sam delegat

države New Jersey

at the 2008 DNC.

na nacionalnoj konvenciji Demokratske stranke 2008.

And I founded Maysoon's Kids,

Također sam osnovala "Maysoon's Kids" ("Maysoonini klinci"),

a charity that hopes to give Palestinian refugee children

humanitarnu organizaciju koja nastoji

pružiti malenim palestinskim izbjeglicama

bar djelić onakvih prilika kakve su moji roditelji pružili meni.

a sliver of the chance my parents gave me.

But the one moment that stands out the most

No, trenutak koji se najviše ističe

was when I got -- before this moment --

jest onaj kad sam - osim ovoga, naravno -

(Laughter)

(Smijeh) (Pljesak)

(Applause)

But the one moment that stands out the most

Najdraži mi je trenutak

was when I got to perform

bio kad sam dobila priliku da nastupim

za čovjeka koji leti poput leptira,

for the man who floats like a butterfly

and stings like a bee,

a ubada poput pčele,

has Parkinson's and shakes just like me,

boluje od Parkinsonove bolest i trese se baš poput mene,

Muhammad Ali.

Muhammada Alija.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

(Applause ends)

It was the only time that my father ever saw me perform live,

To je bio jedini put

kad je moj otac uživo gledao moj nastup

i želim posvetiti ovaj govor uspomeni na njega.

and I dedicate this talk to his memory.

(Arabic) Allah yerhamak yaba.

(Arapski) Tata, Bog te blagoslovio!

(English) My name is Maysoon Zayid,

Zovem se Maysoon Zayid

and if I can can, you can can.

i ako ja to mogu, i ti to možeš, ti-to-mo-žeš!

(Cheering)

(Pljesak)

(Applause)