I got 99 problems... palsy is just one | Maysoon Zayid

翻译人员: 晨星 徐 校对人员: Alex Ho

各位女同胞们，大家好！ 你们还好吗？

Hello, TEDWomen, what's up.

(Cheering)

（欢呼声）

Not good enough.

再大声点

Hello, TEDWomen, what is up?

各位女同胞们，大家好！你们还好吗？

(Loud cheering)

（欢呼声）

My name is Maysoon Zayid,

我叫Maysoon Zayid

虽然接生我的医生当时喝醉了

and I am not drunk,

but the doctor who delivered me was.

但我可清醒着呢！

He cut my mom six different times

他从六个不同的方向

in six different directions,

切了我妈的肚皮六次

suffocating poor little me in the process.

差点闷死我

As a result, I have cerebral palsy,

就这样，我得了脑瘫

which means I shake all the time.

每天无时不刻地都在颤抖

Look.

你们看

It's exhausting.

这太累了。我觉得自己特像夏奇拉

I'm like Shakira, Shakira meets Muhammad Ali.

夏奇拉遇到了穆罕默德•阿里

(Laughter)

(笑声）

CP is not genetic.

脑瘫不会遗传

It's not a birth defect. You can't catch it.

这不是生来就有的病。你根本无法预料

No one put a curse on my mother's uterus,

没人诅咒我妈的子宫

and I didn't get it because my parents are first cousins,

我有这个毛病

which they are.

也不是因为我的父母是表兄妹

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It only happens from accidents,

在我出生那天

like what happened to me on my birth day.

发生了一场意外

Now, I must warn you,

我得提醒你们，我可不是什么励志人物

I'm not inspirational.

(Laughter)

And I don't want anyone in this room to feel bad for me,

也不希望各位

会觉得我可怜

because at some point in your life,

在某些时刻

you have dreamt of being disabled.

你们会希望自己有点残疾

Come on a journey with me.

我们来一起看看吧

It's Christmas Eve, you're at the mall,

圣诞前夜

你开车在超市转来转去，想找个停车位

you're driving around in circles looking for parking,

and what do you see?

猜猜你会看到什么？

Sixteen empty handicapped spaces.

十六个空的残疾人停车位

(Laughter)

你会想，“ 天哪！

And you're like, "God, can't I just be a little disabled?"

我怎么就不能有点残疾呢？”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Also, I've got to tell you,

我得告诉你们

我有99个麻烦，脑瘫只是其中之一

I've got 99 problems, and palsy is just one.

(Laughter)

If there was an Oppression Olympics,

如果有什么类似受压迫奥运会

I would win the gold medal.

我肯定能拿金牌

I'm Palestinian, Muslim,

我是巴勒斯坦人，穆斯林，女性，残疾人

I'm female, I'm disabled,

and I live in New Jersey.

还有，我住在新泽西

(Laughter)

（笑声）（鼓掌）

(Applause)

If you don't feel better about yourself, maybe you should.

如果你自我感觉不太好的话，或许可以考虑参加

(Laughter)

Cliffside Park, New Jersey is my hometown.

新泽西的Cliffiside Park是我的家乡

I have always loved the fact

我感到高兴的是

that my hood and my affliction share the same initials.

我的家乡和我的残疾

有着相同的首字母

I also love the fact

我还感到高兴的是

that if I wanted to walk from my house to New York City, I could.

我可以从家步行到纽约市

A lot of people with CP don't walk,

很多有脑瘫的人根本走不了

but my parents didn't believe in "can't."

但是我的父母相信一切皆有可能

My father's mantra was,

我父亲的口头禅是

"You can do it, yes you can can."

“ 你可以做到。是的，你一定行！”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

如果我的三个姐姐在拖地

So, if my three older sisters were mopping,

I was mopping.

我也得和她们一块儿拖

If my three older sisters went to public school,

如果她们去上公立学校

而我去不了

my parents would sue the school system

and guarantee that I went too,

我的父母就会起诉学校

and if we didn't all get A's,

如果我们的成绩不是全A

we all got my mother's slipper.

我妈就会用拖鞋砸我们

(Laughter)

（笑声）

我五岁时，父亲开始教我如何走路

My father taught me how to walk when I was five years old

我的脚后跟踩着他的脚

by placing my heels on his feet

and just walking.

就这样走着

Another tactic that he used

他曾在我面前晃着一美元钞票

is he would dangle a dollar bill in front of me

让我追着跑

and have me chase it.

(Laughter)

（笑声）

那时我跳脱衣舞的欲望非常强烈

My inner stripper was very strong.

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Yeah.

的确如此。第一天去幼儿园时，

No, by the first day of kindergarten,

I was walking like a champ

我走路的样子

像是被打了好几下的拳击冠军

who had been punched one too many times.

(Laughter)

Growing up, there were only six Arabs in my town,

在我成长的小镇上，原来只有六个阿拉伯人

and they were all my family.

而且他们都是我的家人

(Laughter)

Now there are 20 Arabs in town,

现在有二十个阿拉伯人了

and they are still all my family.

他们仍然都还是我的家人（ 笑声）

(Laughter)

I don't think anyone even noticed we weren't Italian.

我想没人注意到我们不是意大利人

(Laughter)

（笑声）（鼓掌）

(Applause)

This was before 9/11

那是在911事件发生前

and before politicians thought it was appropriate

那时候政客们还没拿“我憎恶穆斯林”

to use "I hate Muslims" as a campaign slogan.

作为竞选口号

和我一起长大的小伙伴们对我的信仰没什么意见

The people that I grew up with had no problem with my faith.

They did, however, seem very concerned

但是他们担心

that I would starve to death during Ramadan.

我会在斋月期间饿死

I would explain to them that I have enough fat

我会和他们说

to live off of for three whole months,

我的脂肪足够多，可以熬过整整三个月

so fasting from sunrise to sunset is a piece of cake.

所以整个白天不吃饭对我来说不是什么难事

(Laughter)

I have tap-danced on Broadway.

我在百老汇跳过踢踏舞

Yeah, on Broadway. It's crazy.

百老汇！ 这感觉太棒了！（鼓掌）

(Applause)

My parents couldn't afford physical therapy,

我的父母付不起理疗费用

so they sent me to dancing school.

所以送我到舞蹈学校

I learned how to dance in heels,

我学会如何踩着高跟鞋跳舞

which means I can walk in heels.

这样我也能踩着高跟鞋走路了

我来自泽西岛

And I'm from Jersey,

and we are really concerned with being chic,

这儿的人都希望自己看上去很时髦

如果我有朋友穿高跟鞋，我也会和她们一样

so if my friends wore heels, so did I.

And when my friends went and spent their summer vacations

当朋友们都去泽西海岸度假时

on the Jersey Shore, I did not.

我却没跟着去

I spent my summers in a war zone,

我在一个战区度过了自己的暑假

because my parents were afraid

我的父母担心

that if we didn't go back to Palestine every single summer,

如果我们每个夏天

都不回巴勒斯坦

we'd grow up to be Madonna.

我们以后就会变成麦当娜

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Summer vacations often consisted of my father trying to heal me,

每个暑假

我的父亲都在尝试帮助我

让我喝鹿奶

so I drank deer's milk,

I had hot cups on my back,

在我的后背绑着滚烫的杯子

I was dunked in the Dead Sea,

让我浸泡在死海中

and I remember the water burning my eyes

我还记得，海水灼烧着我的眼睛

and thinking, "It's working! It's working!"

我在想，“啊！起作用了！起作用了！”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But one miracle cure we did find was yoga.

最后我们发现，唯一有效的治疗方法是瑜伽

I have to tell you, it's very boring,

我不得不说，瑜伽实在是太无聊了

but before I did yoga,

在我做瑜伽前，

I was a stand-up comedian who can't stand up.

我是一个站不起来的单口相声演员

And now I can stand on my head.

但是现在我可以倒立了

My parents reinforced this notion

我的父母不断向我灌输这样的思想

that I could do anything,

没有我做不到的事情

that no dream was impossible,

没有实现不了的梦想

and my dream was to be

我的梦想

on the daytime soap opera "General Hospital."

是能够上日间肥皂剧《综合医院》

(Laughter)

在反歧视运动中，我上了大学

I went to college during affirmative action

and got a sweet scholarship to ASU,

并在ASU获得了一份数目可观的奖学金

Arizona State University,

亚利桑那州立大学

because I fit every single quota.

这是因为我百分之百符合学校的要求

(Laughter)

我就像剧院里的狐猴

I was like the pet lemur of the theater department.

Everybody loved me.

每个人都喜欢我

I did all the less-than-intelligent kids' homework,

我做了其他一些不太聪明的孩子的功课

I got A's in all of my classes,

我不但自己获得了全A

A's in all of their classes.

还帮他们获得了全A

(Laughter)

每次当我排演话剧

Every time I did a scene from "The Glass Menagerie,"

《玻璃动物园》

my professors would weep.

教授们都会感动得泪流满面

But I never got cast.

但我从来没得到过一个角色

Finally, my senior year,

大四那年

ASU decided to do a show called "They Dance Real Slow in Jackson."

ASU准备排练一个节目

叫做《在杰克逊翩翩起舞》

It's a play about a girl with CP.

这个戏剧是关于一个患有脑瘫的女孩

I was a girl with CP.

那不就是我！

So I start shouting from the rooftops,

我在屋顶大叫大嚷

"I'm finally going to get a part!

我终于有机会表演啦！

I have cerebral palsy!

真高兴我患有脑瘫！

Free at last! Free at last!

自由万岁！ 自由万岁！

Thank God almighty, I'm free at last!"

感谢万能的上帝！自由万岁！

I didn't get the part.

可是我没得到那个角色。（笑声）

(Laughter)

Sherry Brown got the part.

Sherry Brown 成为了那个女孩

我一口气跑到戏剧系的主任那儿

I went racing to the head of the theater department

crying hysterically, like someone shot my cat,

哭的死去活来，好像有人打死了我的猫似的

问她为什么

to ask her why,

and she said it was because they didn't think I could do the stunts.

她说

戏剧部认为我演不了那些动作

I said, "Excuse me, if I can't do the stunts,

”拜托！

neither can the character."

要是我演不了，她也一样“

(Laughter)

（笑声）（鼓掌）

(Applause)

This was a part that I was literally born to play

这是我一生下来就开始扮演的角色

they gave it to a non-palsy actress.

但他们却给了一个健全的人

大学只不过是在模仿生活而已

College was imitating life.

Hollywood has a sordid history

让健全的演员饰演残疾人

of casting able-bodied actors to play disabled onscreen.

在这一点上

好莱坞有着不堪回首的历史

Upon graduating, I moved back home,

毕业后，我搬回家

and my first acting gig was as an extra on a daytime soap opera.

我的第一个表演机会

是作为一名日间肥皂剧的临时演员

My dream was coming true.

我的梦想快要实现了

And I knew that I would be promoted

我知道自己不久

from "Diner Diner" to "Wacky Best Friend" in no time.

将会从《路边小饭馆》走到《奇葩好友》

(Laughter)

But instead, I remained a glorified piece of furniture

然而，我仍是那个徒有虚名的小演员

that you could only recognize from the back of my head,

你只能从我的后脑勺认出我

and it became clear to me

显而易见

that casting directors

导演们

didn't hire fluffy, ethnic, disabled actors.

不会用那些肤浅的患有残疾的少数民族

They only hired perfect people.

他们只会任用那些完美无瑕的人

But there were exceptions to the rule.

但是凡事都有例外

I grew up watching Whoopi Goldberg,

我从小是看着乌比•戈德宝

Roseanne Barr, Ellen,

罗西妮•巴尔和艾伦长大的

and all of these women had one thing in common:

这些女人都有一个共性：

they were comedians.

她们都是喜剧演员

So I became a comic.

所以后来我成为了其中一员

(Laughter)

（笑声）（鼓掌）

(Applause)

My first gig was driving famous comics

我的初次亮相是带着那些著名的喜剧演员

from New York City to shows in New Jersey,

开车从纽约市到新泽西的表演场地

and I'll never forget the face of the first comic I ever drove

我永远忘不了

当驶过新泽西高速公路时

when he realized that he was speeding down the New Jersey Turnpike

我第一位乘客意识到他的司机是一位患有脑瘫的女孩

with a chick with CP driving him.

所流露出的表情

(Laughter)

I've performed in clubs all over America,

我在全美的各种俱乐部中表演

and I've also performed in Arabic in the Middle East,

我还在中东用阿拉伯语表演过

uncensored and uncovered.

没有审查，也没有报道

(Laughter)

Some people say I'm the first stand-up comic in the Arab world.

有人说我是第一个

在阿拉伯国家表演的单口相声演员

I never like to claim first,

但我从不这么说

but I do know that they never heard

我知道他们肯定没听过那些荒唐的言论

that nasty little rumor that women aren't funny,

女人一点儿也不幽默

and they find us hysterical.

他们发现我们神经过敏

(Laughter)

In 2003, my brother from another mother and father

在2003年，我的异父异母的哥哥

Dean Obeidallah and I started

Dean Obeidallah和我举办了一个活动

the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival,

叫做”纽约市阿裔美国人喜剧节“

now in its 10th year.

现在已经是第十个年头了

我们希望可以改变媒体上

Our goal was to change the negative image of Arab-Americans in media,

阿拉伯裔美国人的负面形象

while also reminding casting directors

同时也告诉那些导演们

that South Asian and Arab are not synonymous.

南亚人和阿拉伯人并不一样

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Mainstreaming Arabs was much, much easier

相比于战胜对残疾人的诽谤

阿拉伯的主流人群

than conquering the challenge against the stigma against disability.

好相处的多

My big break came in 2010.

我职业生涯的突破起源于2010年

I was invited to be a guest on the cable news show

我去一家有线新闻台

做嘉宾

"Countdown with Keith Olbermann."

《Keith Olberman 倒计时》

I walked in looking like I was going to the prom,

我走了进去，感觉像是去参加舞会

and they shuffle me into a studio

他们拖着我进了演播室

and seat me on a spinning, rolling chair.

让我坐在一个不停旋转晃动的椅子上

(Laughter)

我看着舞台监督

So I looked at the stage manager

and I'm like, "Excuse me, can I have another chair?"

“请问一下，能给我换个椅子吗?"

And she looked at me and she went,

她看着我，说道

”五，四，三，二...."

"Five, four, three, two ..."

And we were live, right?

我们正在直播，不是吗？

So I had to grip onto the anchor's desk

所以我只能紧紧地抓住主持人的桌子

so that I wouldn't roll off the screen during the segment,

确保不会从镜头中突然消失

and when the interview was over, I was livid.

访谈结束后，我气炸了

I had finally gotten my chance and I blew it,

我得到自己梦寐以求的机会，却又搞砸了

and I knew I would never get invited back.

我知道自己再没有机会了

But not only did Mr. Olbermann invite me back,

但是Olbermann不仅把我邀请回去

he made me a full-time contributor,

而且全程都非常尊重我 给我机会去讲话

and he taped down my chair.

并把我的椅子用胶带固定住

(Laughter)

（笑声）（鼓掌）

(Applause)

One fun fact I learned while on the air with Keith Olbermann

在和Keith Olbermann做节目的过程中

我学到了一个有趣的事

was that humans on the Internet are scumbags.

网络上的人类总是丑陋的

(Laughter)

人们总是说，孩子有时候会很残忍

People say children are cruel,

但在成长的过程中，我从来没受过别人的嘲笑

but I was never made fun of as a child or an adult.

Suddenly, my disability on the world wide web is fair game.

突然，我的残疾却在网络上遭到攻击

I would look at clips online and see comments like,

我会看看网上的一些片段

再看些评论

"Yo, why's she tweakin'?"

“ 哇，为什么她在不停地扭动身体？”

"Yo, is she retarded?"

“哇，她是不是智力有问题啊？”

And my favorite, "Poor Gumby-mouth terrorist.

我喜欢的是，“这个可笑的恐怖分子

What does she suffer from?

她到底怎么回事？

We should really pray for her."

我们该为她祈福祷告。”

One commenter even suggested that I add my disability to my credits:

一个评论家甚至建议

我把自己的残疾视为一种荣誉

screenwriter, comedian, palsy.

剧作家，喜剧演员，瘫痪

残疾如同一个人的肤色一样明显

Disability is as visual as race.

如果腿脚不便的人演不了碧昂斯

If a wheelchair user can't play Beyoncé,

then Beyoncé can't play a wheelchair user.

那么碧昂斯也演不了坐轮椅的人

The disabled are the largest —

残疾人是最大的

Yeah, clap for that, man. Come on.

喝彩加油吧！

(Applause)

（掌声）

People with disabilities are the largest minority in the world,

残疾人是世界上最大的少数群体

在娱乐节目中

and we are the most underrepresented in entertainment.

几乎看不到残疾人的身影

医生曾说我走不了

The doctors said that I wouldn't walk,

but I am here in front of you.

但我现在就站在这儿

但是，如果我从小与社交媒体相伴

However, if I grew up with social media,

I don't think I would be.

我可能就真的走不了

I hope that together,

我希望

we can create more positive images

能在媒体以及人们的日常生活中

of disability in the media and in everyday life.

为残疾人营造更多的积极形象

Perhaps if there were more positive images,

或许通过这种方式

it would foster less hate on the Internet.

互联网会少些诋毁

或许什么改变都没有

Or maybe not.

Maybe it still takes a village to teach our children well.

教育好我们的孩子

这也许需要全村人的努力

My crooked journey has taken me to some very spectacular places.

我坎坷的经历却把我带到了

一些美妙的地方

I got to walk the red carpet

我曾和肥皂剧的女主角Susan Lucci

flanked by soap diva Susan Lucci

以及偶像Lorraine Arbus

and the iconic Loreen Arbus.

一起走过红地毯

I got to act in a movie with Adam Sandler

我将和Adam Sandler出演一部电影

and work with my idol, the amazing Dave Matthews.

并和我的偶像

Dave Matthews 一起工作

I toured the world as a headliner on Arabs Gone Wild.

作为《狂野的阿拉伯人》的主演

我环游世界

I was a delegate representing the great state of New Jersey

我代表

新泽西州

at the 2008 DNC.

出席了2008年的民主党全国委员会

And I founded Maysoon's Kids,

我成立了Maysoon儿童基金会

a charity that hopes to give Palestinian refugee children

希望

能给巴勒斯坦难民营的儿童

一点点我当初父母曾给我的希望

a sliver of the chance my parents gave me.

But the one moment that stands out the most

但是最重要的时刻是

was when I got -- before this moment --

当我将要----在此之前

(Laughter)

（笑声）（鼓掌）

(Applause)

But the one moment that stands out the most

但是最重要的时刻是

was when I got to perform

当我将要为

一个身手敏捷

for the man who floats like a butterfly

and stings like a bee,

出手直击要害的人表演

has Parkinson's and shakes just like me,

他有帕金森病， 也像我一样会不停地颤抖

Muhammad Ali.

穆罕默德•阿里

(Applause)

（鼓掌）

(Applause ends)

It was the only time that my father ever saw me perform live,

这是唯一一次

我父亲看我的直播表演

我把这个演讲献给他

and I dedicate this talk to his memory.

(Arabic) Allah yerhamak yaba.

（阿拉伯语）

(English) My name is Maysoon Zayid,

我的名字叫Maysoon Zayid

and if I can can, you can can.

如果我可以， 你一定也行

(Cheering)

（鼓掌）

(Applause)