Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Leslie Morgan Steiner | TED

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Prevodilac: Aniko Kovac Lektor: Tatjana Jevdjic

I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question,

Danas sam ovde da bih govorila o jednom uznemiravajućem pitanju

which has an equally disturbing answer.

na koje je odgovor podjednako uznemiravajući.

My topic is the secrets of domestic violence,

Moja tema su tajne nasilja u porodici,

and the question I'm going to tackle

a pitanje kojim ću se baviti

is the one question everyone always asks:

je pitanje koje svako od nas redovno postavi:

Why does she stay?

zašto ona i dalje ostaje?

Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?

Zašto bi ijedna žena ostajala sa muškarcem koji je bije?

I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker

Nisam psihijatar, socijalni radnik,

or an expert in domestic violence.

niti ekspert za nasilje u porodici.

I'm just one woman with a story to tell.

Ja sam samo žena sa pričom.

I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College.

Imala sam 22 godine. Tek sam diplomirala na Harvardu.

I had moved to New York City for my first job

Preselila sam se u Njujork zbog svog prvog posla

as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine.

kao pisac i urednik magazina Seventeen.

I had my first apartment,

Imala sam svoj prvi stan,

my first little green American Express card,

imala sam svoju prvu kreditnu karticu

and I had a very big secret.

i imala sam jednu veliku tajnu.

My secret was that I had this gun

Moja tajna je bila da mi je čovek

loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head

koga sam smatrala srodnom dušom

by the man who I thought was my soulmate,

držao pištolj napunjen mecima uz glavu

many, many times.

mnogo, mnogo puta.

The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth

Čovek koga sam volela najviše na svetu

held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me

držao mi je pištolj uz glavu i pretio da će me ubiti

more times than I can even remember.

više puta nego što mogu da se setim.

I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love,

Ovde sam da vam ispričam priču o jednoj ludoj ljubavi,

a psychological trap disguised as love,

o jednoj psihološkoj zamci prerušenoj u ljubav,

one that millions of women and even a few men

zamci u koju milioni žena i muškaraca

fall into every year.

upadaju svake godine.

It may even be your story.

Možda je to i vaša priča.

I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor.

Ne izgledam kao većina žena koje su preživele porodično nasilje.

I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,

Diplomirala sam engleski na Harvardu

an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.

i imam titulu mastera iz marketinga Poslovne škole Vorton.

I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies

Veći deo karijere provela sam radeći za kompanije

including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post.

koje su među 500 najboljih u Americi,

uključujući Džonson i Džonson, Lio Barnet i Vašington post.

I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband

U braku sam skoro 20 godina sa svojim drugim mužem

and we have three kids together.

i imamo troje dece.

My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.

Imam psa, crnog labradora i vozim kombi Honda Odisej.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

So my first message for you is that domestic violence

Dakle, moja prva poruka za vas jeste da se nasilje u porodici

happens to everyone --

dešava svima -

all races, all religions, all income and education levels.

bez obzira na rasu, religiju, prihod, obrazovanje.

It's everywhere.

Ono je svuda.

And my second message is that everyone thinks

Moja druga poruka je da svi misle da se

domestic violence happens to women,

nasilje u porodici dešava ženama,

that it's a women's issue.

da je to problem žena.

Not exactly.

A to nije baš tako.

Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse

Preko 85 procenata zlostavljača su muškarci, a ova vrsta nasilja

happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships,

se dešava isključivo u prisnim, međuzavisnim, dugoročnim vezama,

in other words, in families,

drugom rečju, u porodici,

the last place we would want or expect to find violence,

a to je poslednje mesto gde bismo želeli ili očekivali da se susretnemo s nasiljem,

which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.

upravo zbog toga je nasilje u porodici toliko zbunjujuće.

I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth

Rekla bih da sam poslednja osoba na planeti

who would stay with a man who beats me,

koja bi ostala s muškarcem koji je bije,

but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age.

ali sam u stvari bila veoma uobičajena žrtva zbog svojih godina.

I was 22, and in the United States,

Imala sam 22 godine, a žene

women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely

između 16 i 24 godine u Americi su u tri puta većoj

to be domestic violence victims

opasnosti da postanu žrtve porodičnog nasilja

as women of other ages,

od žena druge starosti

and over 500 women and girls this age

i preko 500 žena i devojaka ove starosti

are killed every year by abusive partners,

biva ubijeno u Americi svake godine od strane svojih

boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.

partnera i muževa koji ih zlostavljaju.

I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing

Ja sam takođe bila veoma uobičajena žrtva zato što nisam znala ništa

about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.

o nasilju u porodici, znacima upozorenja ili obrascima ponašanja.

I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.

Konora sam upoznala jedne hladne, kišne, januarske noći.

He sat next to me on the New York City subway,

Seo je pored mene u njujorškom metrou

and he started chatting me up.

i započeo razgovor.

He told me two things.

Rekao mi je dve stvari.

One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school,

Prva je bila da je i on upravo završio

jedan od najprestižnijih univerziteta u Americi

and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank.

i da trenutno radi u jednoj veoma impresivnoj banci na Volstritu.

But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting

Ali ono što je na mene ostavilo najveći utisak prilikom tog prvog susreta

was that he was smart and funny

bilo je to što je bio pametan i zabavan

and he looked like a farm boy.

i što je izgledao kao dečko sa sela.

He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks

Imao je velike obraze, nalik jabukama

and this wheat-blond hair,

i kosu boje pšenice

and he seemed so sweet.

i delovao je jako fino.

One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning,

Jedna od najpametnijih stvari koje je Konor uradio od samog početka

was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.

bila je to što je stvorio iluziju da sam ja dominantan partner u našem odnosu.

He did this especially at the beginning

Na početku je ovo radio

by idolizing me.

obožavajući me.

We started dating, and he loved everything about me,

Počeli smo da izlazimo i on je voleo sve u vezi sa mnom,

that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard,

to što sam bila pametna, što sam išla na Harvard,

that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.

moju strast ka pomaganju tinejdžerkama i strast prema svom poslu.

He wanted to know everything about my family

Želeo je da zna sve o mojoj porodici,

and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.

detinjstvu, snovima i nadama.

Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman,

Konor je verovao u mene, kako u pisca tako i u ženu,

in a way that no one else ever had.

na način na koji niko drugi do tada nije.

And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us

On je takođe stvorio magičnu atmosferu poverenja među nama

by confessing his secret,

poveravajući mi svoju tajnu

which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four,

da ga je kao dečaka, od njegove četvrte godine,

he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused

zverski i neprestano fizički zlostavljo

by his stepfather,

njegov očuh

and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade,

i da je to zlostavljanje postalo toliko loše

da je morao da napusti školu u osmom razredu

even though he was very smart,

iako je bio veoma pametan

and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life.

i skoro 20 godina proveo je gradeći svoj život iznova.

Which is why that Ivy League degree

To je bi razlog zašto su mu diploma jednog od najprestižnijih univerziteta,

and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future

posao na Volstritu i njegova blistava budućnost

meant so much to him.

toliko značili.

If you had told me

Da ste mi rekli

that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me

da će ovaj pametan, zabavan, osećajan čovek koji me je obožavao

would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup,

jednog dana odlučivati da li ću se šminkati ili ne,

how short my skirts were,

koliko će biti duga moja suknja,

where I lived, what jobs I took,

gde živim, šta radim,

who my friends were and where I spent Christmas,

ko su mi prijatelji i gde provodim Božić,

I would have laughed at you,

ismejala bih vas,

because there was not a hint of violence or control

jer nije bilo ni znaka nasilničkog ponašanja ili kontrolisanja

or anger in Conor at the beginning.

ili besa u Konoru na početku.

I didn't know that the first stage

Nisam znala da je prva faza

in any domestic violence relationship

u bilo kom odnosu koji uključuje nasilje u porodici

is to seduce and charm the victim.

zavođenje i šarmiranje žrtve.

I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim.

Takođe nisam znala da je drugi korak izdvajanje žrtve.

Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,

Konor nije došao kući jednog dana i izjavio:

"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great,

"Znaš, sve ovo s Romeom i Julijom što smo imali je bilo super,

but I need to move into the next phase

ali moram da krenem dalje

where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) —

i sada ću da te odvojim od društva i zlostavljam", (Smeh)

"so I need to get you out of this apartment

"tako da te molim da napustiš ovaj stan

where the neighbors can hear you scream

gde komšije mogu da te čuju kako vrištiš

and out of this city where you have friends and family

i da odemo iz ovog grada gde imaš prijatelje i porodicu

and coworkers who can see the bruises."

i kolege koje mogu da vide modrice."

Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening

Umesto toga, Konor je došao kući u petak uveče jednog dana

and he told me that he had quit his job that day,

i rekao mi da je taj dan napustio svoj posao,

his dream job,

svoj posao iz snova,

and he said that he had quit his job because of me,

i rekao je da je učinio to zbog mene,

because I had made him feel so safe and loved

jer se sa mnom osećao toliko sigurno i voljeno

that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore,

da nije više morao da se dokazuje na Volstritu

and he just wanted to get out of the city

i da sada samo želi da napusti grad,

and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family,

ode daleko od svoje disfunkcionalne porodice koja ga je zlostavljala

and move to a tiny town in New England

i preseli se u mali grad u Novoj Engleskoj

where he could start his life over with me by his side.

gde će započeti svoj život sa mnom.

Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York,

Poslednja stvar koju sam želela da uradim bila je da napustim Njujork

and my dream job,

i svoj posao iz snova,

but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate,

ali sam mislila da se ljudi žrtvuju zarad svoje srodne duše,

so I agreed, and I quit my job,

pa sam pristala i napustila posao

and Conor and I left Manhattan together.

i Konor i ja smo napustili Menheten zajedno.

I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,

Nisam imala pojma da me čeka jedna luda ljubav,

that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid

da sam upravo ušetala u pažljivo isplaniranu

physical, financial and psychological trap.

fizičku, finansijsku i psihološku zamku.

The next step in the domestic violence pattern

Sledeći korak u porodičnom nasilju

is to introduce the threat of violence

je uvođenje straha od nasilja

and see how she reacts.

i osmatranje reakcije.

And here's where those guns come in.

I tu su na scenu došli pištolji.

As soon as we moved to New England -- you know,

Čim smo se preselili u Novu Englesku -

that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe --

znate, ono mesto gde je Konor trebalo da se oseća sigurnim -

he bought three guns.

kupio je tri pištolja.

He kept one in the glove compartment of our car.

Jedan je držao u pretincu u kolima.

He kept one under the pillows on our bed,

Drugi je držao pod jastukom u našem krevetu,

and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times.

a treći je sve vreme nosio sa sobom u džepu.

And he said that he needed those guns

I rekao je da su mu ta tri pištolja bila potrebna

because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy.

zbog traume koju je preživeo kao dečak.

He needed them to feel protected.

Bili su mu potrebni da bi se osećao zaštićeno.

But those guns were really a message for me,

Ali ti pištolji su u stvari bili poruka za mene,

and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me,

da je, iako nije podigao ruku na mene,

my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.

moj život svakog minuta, svakog dana bio u smrtnoj opasnosti.

Conor first physically attacked me

Konor me je prvi put fizički napao

five days before our wedding.

pet dana pre našeg venčanja.

It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.

Bilo je 7 sati ujutru i još sam bila u spavaćici.

I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment,

Radila sam na svom kompjuteru pokušavajući da završim honorarni tekst

and I got frustrated,

i nervirala sam se

and Conor used my anger as an excuse

i Konor je iskoristio moj bes kao izgovor

to put both of his hands around my neck

da obe svoje ruke stavi oko mog vrata

and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,

i stegne toliko jako da nisam mogla da ni da dišem ni da vrištim

and he used the chokehold

i držao me je tako

to hit my head repeatedly against the wall.

udarajući mi glavu o zid iznova i iznova.

Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded,

Pet dana kasnije, deset modrica na mom vratu je tek izbledelo

and I put on my mother's wedding dress,

i obukla sam venčanicu svoje majke

and I married him.

i udala sam se za njega.

Despite what had happened,

Uprkos onome što se desilo,

I was sure we were going to live happily ever after,

bila sam sigurna da ćemo živeti srećno do kraja

because I loved him, and he loved me so much.

jer sam ga volela i on me je mnogo voleo.

And he was very, very sorry.

A njemu je bilo veoma, veoma žao.

He had just been really stressed out by the wedding

Bio je pod velikim stresom zbog venčanja

and by becoming a family with me.

i zbog toga što ćemo postati porodica.

It was an isolated incident,

Bio je to izolovani incident

and he was never going to hurt me again.

i nikada me više neće povrediti.

It happened twice more on the honeymoon.

Uradio je to još dva puta na našem medenom mesecu.

The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach

Prvi put sam vozila pokušavajući da pronađem skrivenu plažu

and I got lost,

i izgubila sam se,

and he punched me in the side of my head so hard

udario mi je glavu tolikom jačinom sa strane

that the other side of my head repeatedly hit

da mi je glava nekoliko puta udarila

the driver's side window.

u prozor s druge strane.

And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon,

Nekoliko dana kasnije, u povratku sa medenog meseca,

he got frustrated by traffic,

iznervirao se zbog saobraćaja

and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.

i bacio mi je hladan Big Mek u lice.

Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week

Konor je nastavio da me bije jednom ili dva puta nedeljno

for the next two and a half years of our marriage.

sledeće dve i po godine našeg braka.

I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique

Grešila sam kada sam mislila da sam jedina

and alone in this situation.

i sama u ovoj situaciji.

One in three American women

Jedna od tri žene u Americi

experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life,

je žrtva nasilja u porodici ili uhođenja u nekom trenutku života.

and the CDC reports that 15 million children

Državni zdravstveni centar tvrdi da je 15 miliona dece

are abused every year, 15 million.

zlostavljano svake godine, 15 miliona.

So actually, I was in very good company.

Dakle, u stvari, bila sam u veoma dobrom društvu.

Back to my question:

Da se vratim na sopstveno pitanje:

Why did I stay?

zašto sam ostala?

The answer is easy.

Odgovor je jednostavan.

I didn't know he was abusing me.

Nisam znala da me zlostavlja.

Even though he held those loaded guns to my head,

Iako je prislanjao napunjen pištolj uz moju glavu,

pushed me down stairs,

gurnuo me niz stepenice,

threatened to kill our dog,

pretio da će ubiti našeg psa,

pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway,

izvukao ključ iz brave dok sam vozila autoputem,

poured coffee grinds on my head

prosuo mi mlevenu kafu po glavi

as I dressed for a job interview,

kada sam bila obučena za razgovor na posao,

I never once thought of myself as a battered wife.

nikada za sebe nisam pomislila da sam ja zlostavljana žena.

Instead, I was a very strong woman

Umesto toga, bila sam veoma jaka žena,

in love with a deeply troubled man,

zaljubljena u čoveka sa velikim problemima

and I was the only person on Earth

i bila sam jedina osoba na planeti

who could help Conor face his demons.

koja je mogla da pomogne Konoru da se suoči sa svojim demonima.

The other question everybody asks is,

Drugo pitanje koje svako pita je:

why doesn't she just leave?

zašto ona prosto ne ode?

Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time.

Zašto nisam otišla? Mogla sam da odem u bilo kom trenutku.

To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask,

Za mene, ovo je najtužnije i najbolnije pitanje

koje mi ljudi postavljaju,

because we victims know something you usually don't:

zato što mi žrtve znamo nešto što vi uglavnom ne znate:

It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.

neverovatno je opasno napustiti zlostavljača.

Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern

Zato što je krajnji korak u šablonu porodičnog nasilja

is kill her.

da muškarac ubije ženu.

Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders

Preko 70 procenata ubistava u slučaju porodičnog nasilja

happen after the victim has ended the relationship,

dešava se nakon što je žrtva okončala vezu

after she's gotten out,

i izvukla se

because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.

jer tada zlostavljač nema više šta da izgubi.

Other outcomes include long-term stalking,

Drugi ishodi su dugoročno uhođenje,

even after the abuser remarries;

čak iako se zlostavljač ponovo oženi;

denial of financial resources;

odbijanje pristupa finansijskim sredstvima;

and manipulation of the family court system

manipulacija sistema porodičnog suda

to terrify the victim and her children,

kako bi se zastrašili žrtva i njena deca,

who are regularly forced by family court judges

koju uobičajeno sudije prisiljavaju

to spend unsupervised time

da bez nadzora provode vreme

with the man who beat their mother.

s čovekom koji je tukao njihovu majku.

And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?

Ali i dalje, mi pitamo, zašto ona prosto ne ode?

I was able to leave,

Ja sam uspela da odem,

because of one final, sadistic beating

zbog jednog konačnog, sadističkog prebijanja

that broke through my denial.

koje je pobedilo moje poricanje.

I realized that the man who I loved so much

Shvatila sam da će čovek koga sam toliko volela

was going to kill me if I let him.

da me ubije ako mu to dozvolim.

So I broke the silence.

Nisam više ćutala.

I told everyone:

Rekla sam svima:

the police, my neighbors,

policiji, komšijama,

my friends and family, total strangers,

mojim prijateljima i porodici, potpunim strancima

and I'm here today because you all helped me.

i evo me danas ovde, zato što ste mi svi vi pomogli.

We tend to stereotype victims

Imamo običaj da stvaramo stereotipe o žrtvama

as grisly headlines,

kao što su grozne titule,

self-destructive women, damaged goods.

samodestruktivna žena, oštećena roba.

The question, "Why does she stay?"

Pitanje: "Zašto ona ostaje?",

is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying,"

za neke ljude istovremeno znači: "Ona je kriva što ostaje",

as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men

kao da žrtve namerno biraju da se zaljube u muškarce

intent upon destroying us.

odlučne da ih unište.

But since publishing "Crazy Love,"

Ali od objavljivanja "Lude ljubavi"

I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women

čula sam stotine priča muškaraca i žena

who also got out,

koji su se takođe izvukli,

who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened,

koji su naučili neprocenjivu životnu lekciju iz onoga što se desilo

and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives --

i koji su iznova izgradili svoje živote - radosne, srećne živote -

as employees, wives and mothers,

kao radnice, žene i majke,

lives completely free of violence, like me.

bez nasilja u životu, kao i ja.

Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim

Ispostavilo se da sam ja, u stvari, veoma uobičajena žrtva porodičnog nasilja

and a typical domestic violence survivor.

i veoma tipična osoba koja je preživela to nasilje.

I remarried a kind and gentle man,

Udala sam se za ljubaznog i nežnog čoveka

and we have those three kids.

i imamo ono troje dece koje sam spomenula.

I have that black lab, and I have that minivan.

Imam crnog labradora i mali kombi.

What I will never have again,

Ono što nikada,

ever,

nikada više neću imati,

is a loaded gun held to my head

je da neko ko tvrdi da me voli

by someone who says that he loves me.

drži napunjeni pištolj prislonjen uz moju glavu.

Right now, maybe you're thinking,

Možda upravo sada mislite:

"Wow, this is fascinating,"

"O, ovo je fascinantno",

or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"

ili "o, kako je ona bila glupa",

but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you.

ali sve ovo vreme, ja sam u stvari govorila o vama.

I promise you there are several people

Obećavam vam da ima nekoliko ljudi

listening to me right now

koji me upravo slušaju,

who are currently being abused

a koji su trenutno žrtve nasilja

or who were abused as children

ili koji su bili zlostavljani kao deca

or who are abusers themselves.

ili koji su sami zlostavljači.

Abuse could be affecting your daughter,

U ovom trenutku žrtve zlostavljanja mogu biti vaša ćerka,

your sister, your best friend right now.

vaša sestra, vaš najbolji prijatelj.

I was able to end my own crazy love story

Uspela sam da okončam svoju ludu ljubavnu priču

by breaking the silence.

time što više nisam ćutala.

I'm still breaking the silence today.

I ne ćutim ni danas.

It's my way of helping other victims,

Ovo je moj način da pomognem drugim žrtvama

and it's my final request of you.

i to je poslednja stvar koju ću tražiti od vas.

Talk about what you heard here.

Govorite o onome što ste čuli ovde.

Abuse thrives only in silence.

Zlostavljanje uspeva samo u tišini.

You have the power to end domestic violence

Vi imate moć da okončate nasilje u porodici

simply by shining a spotlight on it.

prostim otkrivanjem činjenice da ono postoji.

We victims need everyone.

Nama žrtvama su svi potrebni.

We need every one of you to understand

Potrebno nam je da svako od vas shvati

the secrets of domestic violence.

tajne porodičnog nasilja.

Show abuse the light of day by talking about it

Isterajte zlostavljanje na svetlost dana tako što ćete pričati o njemu

with your children, your coworkers,

s vašom decom, vašim saradnicima,

your friends and family.

vašim prijateljima i porodicom.

Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people

Predstavite preživele kao divne ljude, vredne ljubavi,

with full futures.

sa budućnošću pred njima.

Recognize the early signs of violence

Prepoznajte rane znake nasilja

and conscientiously intervene,

i savesno se umešajte,

deescalate it, show victims a safe way out.

sprečite i pokažite žrtvama bezbedan izlaz.

Together we can make our beds,

Zajedno možemo naše krevete,

our dinner tables and our families

trpezarijske stolove i naše porodice

the safe and peaceful oases they should be.

da napravimo bezbednim i mirnim oazama koje bi to i trebalo da budu.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)