Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Leslie Morgan Steiner | TED

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Translator: Ainize Sarrionandia Reviewer: Jone Aliri Lazcano

I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question,

Hemen nago gaur galdera kezkagarri bati buruz hitz egiteko

which has an equally disturbing answer.

non erantzuna ere kezkagarria den.

My topic is the secrets of domestic violence,

Nire gaia etxeko indarkeriari loturiko sekretuak dira,

and the question I'm going to tackle

eta landuko dudan galdera

is the one question everyone always asks:

denok egiten dugun galdera da:

Why does she stay?

Zergatik geratzen da?

Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?

Zergatik geratuko litzateke inor jotzen duen gizonarekin?

I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker

Ez naiz psikiatra, ez gizarte langilea

or an expert in domestic violence.

edo etxeko indarkerian aditua.

I'm just one woman with a story to tell.

Kontatzeko istorio bat duen emakume bat besterik ez naiz.

I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College.

22 urte neuzkan. Harvarden graduatu berria nintzen.

I had moved to New York City for my first job

New Yorkera joan nintzen nire lehenengo lanera

as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine.

Seventeen aldizkariko idazle eta editore gisa.

I had my first apartment,

Nire lehenengo apartamendua nuen,

my first little green American Express card,

nire lehenengo American Express txartel txiki berdea,

and I had a very big secret.

eta sekretu handi bat.

My secret was that I had this gun

Nire sekretua zen pistola hau nuela

loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head

balekin kargatuta nire burura apuntatzen

by the man who I thought was my soulmate,

nire bizitzako gizona zela uste nuenarengatik

many, many times.

une askotan.

The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth

Munduan inor baino gehiago maite nuen gizonak

held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me

pistolarekin apuntatu eta hilko ninduela esan zidan

more times than I can even remember.

gogoratu dezakedan baino gehiagotan.

I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love,

Maitasun zoroaren historia kontatzeko nago hemen

a psychological trap disguised as love,

maitasunez mozorrotutako tranpa psikologikoaz

one that millions of women and even a few men

miloika emakumek eta gizonen batek

fall into every year.

urtero sufritzen dutena.

It may even be your story.

Zure istorioa ere izan daiteke.

I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor.

Ez dut etxeko indarkeriaren ohiko biktima bat ematen.

I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,

Harvarden titulatua naiz Ingelesean,

an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.

eta marketin masterra dut Wharton Business Eskolan.

I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies

Unibertsitatean ikasi bitartean Fortune 500 enpresetan lan egin nuen

including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post.

Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett eta The Washington Posten, esaterako.

I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband

Ia 20 urtez ezkonduta egon naiz nire bigarren senarrarekin.

and we have three kids together.

eta 3 seme-alaba dauzkagu elkarrekin.

My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.

Labrador bat daukagu eta Honda Odyssey bat gidatzen dut

(Laughter)

(barreak)

So my first message for you is that domestic violence

Nire lehenengo mezua da etxeko indarkeria

happens to everyone --

edozeini gertatzen zaiola --

all races, all religions, all income and education levels.

arraza, erlijio, errenta eta hezkuntza maila guztiei.

It's everywhere.

Edonon dago.

And my second message is that everyone thinks

Eta bigarren mezua da denek pentsatzen dutela

domestic violence happens to women,

etxeko indarkeria emakumeei gertatzen zaiela,

that it's a women's issue.

emakumeen kontua dela.

Not exactly.

Ez zehazki.

Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse

Erasotzaileen %85 baino gehiago gizonak dira, eta etxeko indarkeria

happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships,

erlazio estu, luze eta elkarren menpekoetan ematen da

in other words, in families,

beste hitz batzuetan, familietan,

the last place we would want or expect to find violence,

indarkeria esperoko genuen azken lekuan,

which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.

eta hori da etxeko indarkeria hain nahasia egiten duen arrazoia.

I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth

Esango nizueke ni nintzela munduan azken pertsona

who would stay with a man who beats me,

jotzen zuen gizonarekin geratuko zena,

but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age.

baina biktima tipikoa nintzen adinagatik.

I was 22, and in the United States,

22 urte nituen eta EEBBetan,

women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely

16-24 bitarteko emakumeek 3 aldiz aukera gehiago dute

to be domestic violence victims

etxeko indarkeriaren biktima izateko

as women of other ages,

beste adinetako emakumeekin alderatuz,

and over 500 women and girls this age

eta adin honetako 500 neska eta emakume

are killed every year by abusive partners,

hiltzen dituzte euren bikoteek,

boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.

mutilagunek eta senarrek EEBBetan.

I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing

Ohiko biktima nintzen baita ere ez nekielako ezer

about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.

etxeko indarkeriaz, honen abisu edo patroiez.

I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.

Urtarrileko gau ilun, hotz eta euritsuan ezagutu nuen Conor.

He sat next to me on the New York City subway,

Nire ondoan eseri zen New Yorkeko metroan,

and he started chatting me up.

eta ni seduzitzen hasi zen.

He told me two things.

Bi gauza esan zizkidan.

One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school,

Batetik bera ere graduatu berria zela Ivy League eskola batean,

and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank.

eta bestetik Wall Streeteko banku batean lan egiten zuela.

But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting

Baina gehien txunditu ninduena lehen aldi hartan

was that he was smart and funny

azkarra eta dibertigarria zela izan zen

and he looked like a farm boy.

eta baserritar itxura zuela.

He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks

Masail handiak zituen, "sagar" masailak

and this wheat-blond hair,

eta gari koloreko ile horia,

and he seemed so sweet.

eta oso maitagarria zirudien.

One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning,

Conorrek egindako gauza azkarrenetarikoa hasieratik,

was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.

ni harremaneko dominatzailea nintzela sinistaraztea izan zen.

He did this especially at the beginning

Bereziki hasieran egin zuen hori

by idolizing me.

ni mirestuz.

We started dating, and he loved everything about me,

Geratzen hasi ginen eta nire guztia maite zuen,

that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard,

azkarra nintzela, Harvarden ikasia,

that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.

nerabeei laguntzen niela eta lana nuela.

He wanted to know everything about my family

Dena jakin nahi zuen nire familiaz

and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.

nire haurtzaroaz eta nire asmo eta ametsez

Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman,

Conorrek nigan sinesten zuen idazle eta emakume gisa

in a way that no one else ever had.

beste inork inoiz ez bezala.

And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us

Konfidantzazko giroa sortu zuen gure artean

by confessing his secret,

bere sekretua kontatu zidalako,

which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four,

hau da, haur bat zela, 4 urterekin hasita

he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused

behin eta berriz bortizki erasotua izan zela

by his stepfather,

bere aitaordearen eskutik,

and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade,

eta erasoak hain ziren larriak non eskola utzi behar izan zuen 8. mailan

even though he was very smart,

azkarra zen arren,

and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life.

eta ia 20 urte eman zituen bere bizitza berreraikitzen.

Which is why that Ivy League degree

Horregatik Ivy Leagueko tituluak

and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future

Wall Streeteko lanak eta bere etorkizun oparoak

meant so much to him.

asko esan nahi zuen beretzat.

If you had told me

Esan izan bazenidate

that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me

miresten ninduen gizon azkar, dibertigarri eta sentikorrak

would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup,

makilatu edo ez esango zidala egun batean,

how short my skirts were,

nire gonak ze laburrak ziren,

where I lived, what jobs I took,

non bizi edo ze lan egin,

who my friends were and where I spent Christmas,

nire lagunak nortzuk ziren edo gabonak non pasatu,

I would have laughed at you,

barre egingo nizueke,

because there was not a hint of violence or control

ez zegoelako indarkeri edo kontrol izpirik

or anger in Conor at the beginning.

edo haserrerik Conorrengan hasieran.

I didn't know that the first stage

Ez nekien lehenengo pausua

in any domestic violence relationship

etxeko indarkeria harremanetan

is to seduce and charm the victim.

biktima seduzitu eta liluratzea zenik.

I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim.

Ez nekien ere bigarren pausua biktima isolatzea zenik.

Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,

Conor ez zen egun batean etxera etorri eta esan

"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great,

"Badakizu Romeo eta Julieta kontu hau ondo egon da

but I need to move into the next phase

baina hurrengo etapara pasatu behar gara

where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) —

non zu isolatu eta eraso egingo dizudan" (barreak)

"so I need to get you out of this apartment

"beraz hemendik irten behar gara

where the neighbors can hear you scream

auzokoek entzun zaitzaketelako

and out of this city where you have friends and family

eta lagun eta familia dituzulako

and coworkers who can see the bruises."

edo ubeldurak ikus diezazkizuten lankideak"

Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening

Horren ordez, ostiral iluntze batean etxera etorri

and he told me that he had quit his job that day,

eta lana utzi zuela esan zidan,

his dream job,

bere ametsetako lana,

and he said that he had quit his job because of me,

eta lana nigatik utzi zuela esan zidan,

because I had made him feel so safe and loved

hain seguru eta maitatua sentiarazten nuenez

that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore,

ez zuela Wall Streeten ezer frogatu behar,

and he just wanted to get out of the city

hiritik irten besterik ez zuela nahi

and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family,

bere famlia erasotzaile eta disfuntzionaletik urrun

and move to a tiny town in New England

eta Ingalaterra berriko herri txiki batera joan

where he could start his life over with me by his side.

non bizimodu berri bat hasiko zuen nirekin bere ondoan.

Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York,

Nik egin nahi nuen azken gauza zen New York uztea

and my dream job,

nire ametsetako lana,

but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate,

baina sakrifizioak egiten dira bizitzako gizonagatik

so I agreed, and I quit my job,

beraz baietz esan eta lana utzi nuen,

and Conor and I left Manhattan together.

Eta Conorrek eta biok Manhattan utzi genuen.

I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,

Ez nekien maitasun zoro batean nengoenik,

that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid

zuzenean nindoala kontu handiarekin ezarritako

physical, financial and psychological trap.

tranpa fisiko, ekonomiko eta psikologikora.

The next step in the domestic violence pattern

Etxeko indarkeriaren hurrengo pausua

is to introduce the threat of violence

indarkeriaren mehatxua egitea da

and see how she reacts.

eta biktimaren erreakzioa ikustea.

And here's where those guns come in.

Eta hemen agertu ziren pistolak.

As soon as we moved to New England -- you know,

Ingalaterra berrira iritsi bezain laster - badakizu

that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe --

Conor seguru sentituko zen lekua -

he bought three guns.

3 pistola erosi zituen.

He kept one in the glove compartment of our car.

Bat kotxeko eskularru kaxan gorde zuen.

He kept one under the pillows on our bed,

Beste bat oheko burko azpian,

and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times.

eta hirugarrena bere poltsikoan gordetzen zuen denbora guztian.

And he said that he needed those guns

Eta esan zuen pistolak behar zituela

because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy.

haurtzaroan sufritutako traumagatik.

He needed them to feel protected.

Babestuta sentitzeko behar zituen.

But those guns were really a message for me,

Baina pistolak niretzako mezuak ziren,

and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me,

eta nahiz eta ez ninduen inoiz jo,

my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.

nire bizitza arriskuan zegoen minuturo eta egunero.

Conor first physically attacked me

Conorrek fisikoki lehen aldiz eraso ninduen

five days before our wedding.

ezkontza baino bost egun arinago.

It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.

Goizeko 7ak ziren eta kamisoian nengoen oraindik

I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment,

Ordenagailuan lanean nenbilen freelance lan bat amaitzen

and I got frustrated,

eta zapuztuta sentitzen nintzen,

and Conor used my anger as an excuse

eta Conorrek nire haserrea aitzakiatzat erabili zuen

to put both of his hands around my neck

bere eskuak nire lepo inguruan jartzeko

and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,

eta hain gogor estutzeko non ezin nuen arnasa hartu edo oihukatu

and he used the chokehold

eta honetaz baliatu zen

to hit my head repeatedly against the wall.

nire burua hormaren kontra jotzeko.

Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded,

5 egun beranduago, lepoko 10 ubeldurak desagertu egin ziren

and I put on my mother's wedding dress,

amaren ezkontza soinekoa jarri

and I married him.

eta berekin ezkondu nintzen.

Despite what had happened,

Gertatutakoa gertatu bazen ere,

I was sure we were going to live happily ever after,

seguru nengoen zoriontsuak izango ginela aurrerantzean,

because I loved him, and he loved me so much.

asko maite nuelako eta maite ninduelako.

And he was very, very sorry.

eta asko sentitzen zuelako.

He had just been really stressed out by the wedding

Oso estresatuta egon zen ezkontzagatik

and by becoming a family with me.

eta nirekin familia osatzeagatik.

It was an isolated incident,

Gertaera isolatua izan zen,

and he was never going to hurt me again.

eta inoiz ez ninduen berriz minduko.

It happened twice more on the honeymoon.

Eztei-bidaian beste bitan gertatu zen.

The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach

Lehenengo aldian, hondartza sekretu batera gidatzen

and I got lost,

galdu egin nintzen,

and he punched me in the side of my head so hard

eta ukabilkada bat eman zidan buruaren alde baten hain gogor

that the other side of my head repeatedly hit

beste aldearekin behin eta berriz jo nuela

the driver's side window.

gidariaren aldeko lehioa.

And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon,

Egun batzuk beranduago, eztei-bidaitik etxera gidatzen,

he got frustrated by traffic,

trafikoagatik zapuztu

and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.

eta Big Mac bat bota zidan arpegira.

Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week

Conor astean 1-2 aldiz ni jotzen hasi zen

for the next two and a half years of our marriage.

ezkonduta egon ginen bi urte eta erdian.

I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique

Oker nengoen bakarra nintzela pentsatzen

and alone in this situation.

eta egoeran bakarrik nengoela.

One in three American women

Ameriketan hirutik emakume batek

experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life,

etxeko indarkeria edo jazarpena pairatzen du

and the CDC reports that 15 million children

eta CDCak erakusten du 15 milioi haur

are abused every year, 15 million.

erasotzen direla urtean, 15 milioi.

So actually, I was in very good company.

Beraz, konpainia onean nengoen.

Back to my question:

Nire galderara itzuliz:

Why did I stay?

Zergatik geratu nintzen?

The answer is easy.

Erantzuna erraza da.

I didn't know he was abusing me.

Ez nekien abusua pairatzen nuenik.

Even though he held those loaded guns to my head,

Kargatutako pistola horiek nire buruan jarri arren,

pushed me down stairs,

eskaileretan behera bultzatu,

threatened to kill our dog,

gure txakurra hiko zuela esan

pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway,

autopistan gidatzen nindoala giltzak kotxetik kendu,

poured coffee grinds on my head

kafe kondarrak burutik jaurti

as I dressed for a job interview,

lan elkarrizketa baterako jazten ari nintzenean,

I never once thought of myself as a battered wife.

ez nintzen inoiz txarto tratatua sentitu.

Instead, I was a very strong woman

Horren ordez, emakume gogorra nintzen

in love with a deeply troubled man,

arazoak zituen gizon batekin maiteminduta,

and I was the only person on Earth

pertsona bakarra nintzen munduan

who could help Conor face his demons.

Conorri bere arazoei aurre egiten lagundu ahal ziona.

The other question everybody asks is,

Denok daukagun beste galdera da

why doesn't she just leave?

zergatik ez du alde egiten emakumeak?

Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time.

Zergatik ez nuen alde egin? Edozein unetan egin ahal izan nuen.

To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask,

Niretzat hau da jendeak egiten duen galdera mingarriena,

because we victims know something you usually don't:

biktimok zuek ez dakizuen zerbait dakigulako:

It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.

oso arriskutsua da erasotzaile bat uztea.

Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern

Etxeko indarkeriaren azken pausua

is kill her.

emakumea hiltzea delako.

Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders

Etxeko indarkeriaren heriotzen %70 baino gehiago

happen after the victim has ended the relationship,

biktimak erlazio apurtutakoan gertatzen dira

after she's gotten out,

emakumeak alde egindakoan

because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.

erasotzaileak ez duelako galtzekorik.

Other outcomes include long-term stalking,

Beste egoera bat iraupen luzeko jazarpenarena da,

even after the abuser remarries;

erasotzailea berriz ezkondu arren;

denial of financial resources;

baliabide ekonomikoen ukapena;

and manipulation of the family court system

eta familia sistemaren manipulazioa

to terrify the victim and her children,

biktima eta haurrak beldurtzeko

who are regularly forced by family court judges

nortzuk familia epaileengandik behartuak diren

to spend unsupervised time

gainbegiratu gabeko denbora pasatzera

with the man who beat their mother.

ama jo duen aitarekin.

And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?

Eta galdetzen dugu zergatik ez diren joaten?

I was able to leave,

Joateko gai izan nintzen

because of one final, sadistic beating

azken eraso sadiko bati esker

that broke through my denial.

zeinak nire ukazioa apurtu zuen.

I realized that the man who I loved so much

Konturatu nintzen hainbeste maite nuen gizonak

was going to kill me if I let him.

hil egingo ninduela utziko banu.

So I broke the silence.

Eta isiltasuna apurtu nuen.

I told everyone:

Denei esan nien:

the police, my neighbors,

poliziari, auzokoei,

my friends and family, total strangers,

familia eta lagunei, ezezagunei,

and I'm here today because you all helped me.

eta hemen nago denok lagundu zenidatelako.

We tend to stereotype victims

Biktimak estereotipatzeko joera dugu

as grisly headlines,

titular beldurgarriekin,

self-destructive women, damaged goods.

emakume autosuntsitzaile bezala, kaltetutako produktu gisa.

The question, "Why does she stay?"

"Zergatik geratzen da?" galderari

is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying,"

"bere errua da geratzeagatik" erantzuten diote batzuek

as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men

biktimek nahita aukeratuko balute bezala gizon batekin maitemintzea

intent upon destroying us.

zeinak eurak suntsitu nahi dituzten.

But since publishing "Crazy Love,"

Baina "Maitasun zoroa" argitaratu nuenetik

I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women

emakume eta gizonen ehundaka istorio entzun ditut

who also got out,

alde egin zutenak,

who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened,

gertatutakotik ikasi zutenak,

and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives --

bizitza berreraiki zutenak - bizitza zoriontsuak -

as employees, wives and mothers,

langile, emazte eta ama bezala,

lives completely free of violence, like me.

indarkeria gabeko bizitzak, nik bezala.

Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim

Badirudielako etxeko indarkeriaren biktima tipikoa naizela

and a typical domestic violence survivor.

eta etxeko indarkeriari biziraun diona.

I remarried a kind and gentle man,

Gizon atsegin eta on batekin ezkondu nintzen berriz,

and we have those three kids.

eta hiru ume eduki.

I have that black lab, and I have that minivan.

Labrador beltz bat eta furgoneta ditugu.

What I will never have again,

Berriro edukiko ez dudana,

ever,

inoiz,

is a loaded gun held to my head

nire buruan pistola bat da

by someone who says that he loves me.

maite dudan batek apuntatuta.

Right now, maybe you're thinking,

Orain, pentsa dezakezu

"Wow, this is fascinating,"

"Uau, zoragarria da."

or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"

edo "Uau, ze inozoa zen,"

but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you.

baina orain arte, zuei buruz hitz egiten egon naiz.

I promise you there are several people

Zin egiten dizuet jende asko dagoela

listening to me right now

ni entzuten oraintxe bertan

who are currently being abused

erasoak sufritzen dituena

or who were abused as children

edo haurtzaroan sufritu zituena

or who are abusers themselves.

edo erasotzailea dena.

Abuse could be affecting your daughter,

Erasoak zuen alabek sufritu ditzakete,

your sister, your best friend right now.

zuen ahizpek, lagun onenek, oraintxe bertan.

I was able to end my own crazy love story

Nire maitasun zoro istorioa amaitu ahal izan nuen

by breaking the silence.

isiltasuna apurtuz.

I'm still breaking the silence today.

Gaur ere isiltasuna apurtzen nago.

It's my way of helping other victims,

Beste batzuei laguntzeko nire modua da,

and it's my final request of you.

eta zuentzako nire azken eskaera da.

Talk about what you heard here.

Hitz egin hemen entzun duzuenaz.

Abuse thrives only in silence.

Erasoak isilpean gertatzen dira.

You have the power to end domestic violence

Etxeko indarkeriarekin amaitu dezakezue

simply by shining a spotlight on it.

argi izpi bat jarriz.

We victims need everyone.

Biktimok denok behar zaituztegu.

We need every one of you to understand

Zuetako bakoitza behar dugu ulertzeko

the secrets of domestic violence.

etxeko indarkeriaren sekretuak.

Show abuse the light of day by talking about it

Erakutsi etxeko indarkeria horri argia, gaiaz hitz egiten

with your children, your coworkers,

zuen haurrekin, lankideekin,

your friends and family.

lagun eta familiarekin.

Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people

Biziraun dutenak pertsona maitagarri gisa berrestrukturatu

with full futures.

etorkizun oparoekin.

Recognize the early signs of violence

Indarkeriaren lehen seinaleak identifikatu

and conscientiously intervene,

eta kontzienteki esku hartu,

deescalate it, show victims a safe way out.

intentsitatea gutxitu, biktimei bide segurua erakutsi.

Together we can make our beds,

Elkarrekin egin dezakegu gure oheak,

our dinner tables and our families

gure afaltzeko mahaiak eta familiak

the safe and peaceful oases they should be.

izan beharko liratekeen oasi seguruak izatea.

Thank you.

Eskerrik asko.

(Applause)

(Txaloak)