Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Leslie Morgan Steiner | TED

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Translator: Anders Finn Jørgensen Reviewer: Allan Jensen

I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question,

Jeg er her for at tale om et foruroligende spørgsmål,

which has an equally disturbing answer.

med et lige så foruroligende svar.

My topic is the secrets of domestic violence,

Mit emne er hemmeligheden om vold i hjemmet.

and the question I'm going to tackle

Og det spørgsmål, jeg skal behandle,

is the one question everyone always asks:

er det, som alle altid stiller:

Why does she stay?

"Hvorfor bliver hun i det?"

Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?

"Hvorfor blive hos en mand, der slår?"

I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker

Jeg er ikke psykiater, socialrådgiver

or an expert in domestic violence.

eller ekspert i vold i hjemmet.

I'm just one woman with a story to tell.

Jeg er blot en kvinde med en historie at fortælle:

I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College.

Jeg var 22 og havde lige taget eksamen fra Harvard.

I had moved to New York City for my first job

Jeg kom til New York for at arbejde

as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine.

somskribent og redaktør ved Seventeen.

I had my first apartment,

Jeg havde fået min første lejlighed.

my first little green American Express card,

Mit første lille grønne American Express–kort.

and I had a very big secret.

Og jeg havde en meget stor hemmelighed:

My secret was that I had this gun

Nemlig at jeg havde fået denne pistol,

loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head

der var ladt med hulspidsprojektiler,

by the man who I thought was my soulmate,

– rettet mod mit hoved af den mand, som jeg troede var min sjæleven.

many, many times.

Mange, mange gange.

The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth

Den mand, jeg elskede mere end nogen anden på Jorden,

held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me

holdt en pistol mod mit hoved og truede med at slå mig ihjel

more times than I can even remember.

flere gange, end jeg kan huske.

I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love,

Jeg vil fortælle historien om vanvittig forelskelse.

a psychological trap disguised as love,

En psykisk fælde forklædt som kærlighed,

one that millions of women and even a few men

som millioner af kvinder og også nogle få mænd

fall into every year.

fanges i hvert år.

It may even be your story.

Den kan endda være din historie.

I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor.

Jeg ligner ikke en typisk overlevende fra vold i hjemmet.

I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,

Jeg har en BA i engelsk fra Harvard

an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.

og en MBA i marketing fra Wharton.

I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies

For det meste har jeg arbejdet for Fortune 500–virksomheder.

including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post.

Bl.a. Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett og Washington Post.

I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband

Jeg har været gift i næsten 20 år med min anden ægtemand.

and we have three kids together.

Og vi har tre børn sammen.

My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.

Min hund er en sort Labrador, og jeg kører i en Honda Odyssey minivan.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

So my first message for you is that domestic violence

Så mit første budskab til jer er,

happens to everyone --

at vold i hjemmet kan ske for alle.

all races, all religions, all income and education levels.

Alle racer, alle religioner. Alle indkomst– og uddannelsesniveauer.

It's everywhere.

Det forekommer alle vegne.

And my second message is that everyone thinks

Mit andet budskab er, at alle tror,

domestic violence happens to women,

at vold i hjemmet sker for kvinder.

that it's a women's issue.

At det er et kvindeproblem.

Not exactly.

Ikke helt.

Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse

Over 85% af dem, der begår vold, er mænd.

happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships,

Og vold i hjemmet sker kun i nære, langvarige forhold.

in other words, in families,

Med andre ord: I familier.

the last place we would want or expect to find violence,

Det sidste sted, vi ville ønske eller forvente at møde vold.

which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.

Det er det, der gør spørgsmålet om vold i hjemmet så forvirrende.

I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth

Jeg havde troet, at jeg var den sidste

who would stay with a man who beats me,

til at blive hos en mand, der slog.

but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age.

Men jeg var et typisk offer på grund af min alder:

I was 22, and in the United States,

Jeg var 22.Og i USA har kvinder

women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely

mellem 16 og 24 år tre gange så stor risiko for

to be domestic violence victims

at blive udsat for vold i hjemmet

as women of other ages,

som kvinder i andre aldre.

and over 500 women and girls this age

Og over 500 kvinder og piger

are killed every year by abusive partners,

på den alder bliver dræbt hvert år

boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.

af voldelige partnere, kærester og ægtemænd, i USA.

I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing

Jeg var også et typisk offer, fordi jeg intet vidste

about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.

om vold i hjemmet.Jeg kendte hverken advarselstegnene eller mønstrene.

I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.

Jeg mødte Conor en kold, regnfuld aften i januar.

He sat next to me on the New York City subway,

Han sad ved siden af mig i metroen i New York.

and he started chatting me up.

Han begyndte at hyggesnakke.

He told me two things.

Han fortalte to ting:

One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school,

At han også var nyuddannet fra et fint universitet,

and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank.

og at han arbejdede i en meget fornem Wall Street–bank.

But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting

Men han gjorde især indtryk på mig,

was that he was smart and funny

fordi han var klog og sjov.

and he looked like a farm boy.

Og han lignede en bondedreng

He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks

med store æblekinder

and this wheat-blond hair,

og korngyldent hår.

and he seemed so sweet.

Han virkede bare så sød.

One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning,

Noget af det smarteste, Conor gjorde helt fra begyndelsen,

was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.

var at skabe en illusion om, at den dominerende i forholdet var mig.

He did this especially at the beginning

Det gjorde han især i begyndelsen

by idolizing me.

ved at forgude mig.

We started dating, and he loved everything about me,

Vi blev kærester, og han elskede alt ved mig:

that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard,

Jeg var klog, Harvard–uddannet,

that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.

gik op i at hjælpe teenagepiger og i mit job.

He wanted to know everything about my family

Han ville vide alt om min familie,

and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.

min barndom, mine ønsker og drømme.

Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman,

Conor troede på mig som skribent og kvinde

in a way that no one else ever had.

på en måde, som ingen anden nogen sinde havde gjort.

And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us

Og han skabte en magisk tillidsfuld stemning mellem os

by confessing his secret,

ved at betro mig sin hemmelighed:

which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four,

At han som lille dreng, fra fire–årsalderen,

he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused

var blevet brutalt fysisk mishandlet

by his stepfather,

af sin stedfar igen og igen.

and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade,

Volden var blevet så slem, at han måtte gå ud af skolen i ottende klasse.

even though he was very smart,

Selv om han var virkelig kvik.

and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life.

Det havde taget ham næsten 20 år at genopbygge sit liv.

Which is why that Ivy League degree

Så universitetsgraden,

and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future

jobbet i Wall Street og hans strålende fremtid

meant so much to him.

betød virkelig meget for ham.

If you had told me

Hvis nogen havde sagt til mig,

that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me

at denne kloge, sjove, følsomme mand, som forgudede mig,

would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup,

en dag ville bestemme, om jeg skulle bruge makeup,

how short my skirts were,

hvor korte mine kjoler var,

where I lived, what jobs I took,

hvor jeg boede, hvilke job jeg tog,

who my friends were and where I spent Christmas,

hvem mine venner var, og hvor jeg holdt jul,

I would have laughed at you,

så ville jeg have leet.

because there was not a hint of violence or control

For der var ingen antydning af vold,

or anger in Conor at the beginning.

kontrol eller vrede i Conor - i begyndelsen.

I didn't know that the first stage

Jeg vidste ikke, at første fase

in any domestic violence relationship

i ethvert voldeligt parforhold

is to seduce and charm the victim.

går ud på at forføre og charmere ofret.

I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim.

Jeg vidste heller ikke, at anden fase går ud på at isolere ofret.

Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,

Conor kom ikke bare hjem en dag og meddelte:

"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great,

"Alt det Romeo og Julie–halløj har været fedt."

but I need to move into the next phase

"Men nu vil jeg ind i næste fase,

where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) —

hvor jeg isolerer dig og er voldelig."

"so I need to get you out of this apartment

"Så du må væk fra lejligheden,

where the neighbors can hear you scream

hvor naboerne kan høre dig skrige."

and out of this city where you have friends and family

"Væk fra byen, hvor du har venner,

and coworkers who can see the bruises."

familie og kolleger, der ser mærkerne."

Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening

Nej, Conor kom hjem en fredag aften

and he told me that he had quit his job that day,

og sagde, at han havde sagt sit job op.

his dream job,

Sit drømmejob.

and he said that he had quit his job because of me,

Han sagde, at det var på grund af mig:

because I had made him feel so safe and loved

Jeg havde fået ham til at føle sig så tryg og elsket,

that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore,

at han ikke behøvede præstere noget på Wall Street mere.

and he just wanted to get out of the city

Han ville væk fra byen og sin

and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family,

voldelige, samspilsramte familie

and move to a tiny town in New England

og flytte til en lille by i New England,

where he could start his life over with me by his side.

hvor han kunne begynde forfra med mig ved sin side.

Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York,

Det sidste, jeg ønskede, var at forlade New York ...

and my dream job,

og mit drømmejob.

but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate,

Men jeg tænkte, at man jo ofrede sig for sin sjæleven.

so I agreed, and I quit my job,

Så jeg sagde ja. Jeg sagde mit job op,

and Conor and I left Manhattan together.

og Conor og jeg forlod Manhattan sammen.

I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,

Jeg anede ikke, at jeg var ved at kaste mig ud i en vanvittig forelskelse.

that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid

At jeg gik hovedkulds ind i en snedig

physical, financial and psychological trap.

fysisk, økonomisk og psykisk fælde.

The next step in the domestic violence pattern

Næste fase i voldsmønstret er

is to introduce the threat of violence

at indføre truslen om vold

and see how she reacts.

og se, hvordan hun reagerer.

And here's where those guns come in.

Det er her, pistolerne kommer ind i billedet.

As soon as we moved to New England -- you know,

Så snart vi kom til New England,

that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe --

hvor Conor jo skulle føle sig tryg,

he bought three guns.

købte han tre pistoler.

He kept one in the glove compartment of our car.

Han havde en i bilens handskerum,

He kept one under the pillows on our bed,

en under vores hovedpuder,

and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times.

og den tredje havde han altid i lommen.

And he said that he needed those guns

Han sagde, han havde brug for de våben

because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy.

på grund af sine barndomstraumer.

He needed them to feel protected.

Han måtte føle sig beskyttet.

But those guns were really a message for me,

Men pistolerne var reelt et budskab til mig.

and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me,

Selv om han ikke havde lagt hånd på mig,

my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.

var jeg konstant i livsfare.

Conor first physically attacked me

Conor angreb mig fysisk første gang

five days before our wedding.

fem dage før vores bryllup.

It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.

Klokken var syv om morgenen, og jeg var stadig iført natkjole.

I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment,

Jeg sad ved computeren og lagde sidste hånd på en freelance–artikel.

and I got frustrated,

Og jeg blev frustreret.

and Conor used my anger as an excuse

Conor brugte min vrede som påskud til

to put both of his hands around my neck

at lægge begge hænder om halsen på mig

and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,

Og klemme så hårdt, at jeg hverken kunne ånde eller skrige.

and he used the chokehold

Og han brugte kvælertaget til at slå

to hit my head repeatedly against the wall.

mit hoved mod væggen flere gange.

Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded,

Fem dage senere var de 10 blå mærker på min hals lige blegnet.

and I put on my mother's wedding dress,

Og jeg iførte mig min mors brudekjole

and I married him.

og giftede mig med ham.

Despite what had happened,

Trods det, der var sket,

I was sure we were going to live happily ever after,

var jeg sikker på, at vi ville leve lykkeligt til vores dages ende.

because I loved him, and he loved me so much.

For jeg elskede ham, og han elskede mig så højt.

And he was very, very sorry.

Og han var så ked af det.

He had just been really stressed out by the wedding

Han havde bare været stresset over brylluppet og

and by becoming a family with me.

udsigten til at stifte familie med mig.

It was an isolated incident,

Det var en enkeltstående hændelse,

and he was never going to hurt me again.

og han ville aldrig gøre mig ondt igen.

It happened twice more on the honeymoon.

Det skete to gange til på bryllupsrejsen.

The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach

Første gang kørte jeg bil og ville finde en hemmelig strand,

and I got lost,

men fór vild.

and he punched me in the side of my head so hard

Han stak mig en knytnæve på siden af hovedet så hårdt,

that the other side of my head repeatedly hit

at den anden side af hovedet

the driver's side window.

slog mod sidevinduet flere gange.

And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon,

Nogle få dage senere, på vej hjem fra bryllupsrejsen,

he got frustrated by traffic,

blev han frustreret over trafikken og

and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.

smed en kold burger i hovedet på mig.

Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week

Derefter slog Conor mig en til to gange om ugen

for the next two and a half years of our marriage.

i de næste to et halvt år.

I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique

Jeg tog fejl i, at jeg var

and alone in this situation.

ene om at være i den situation.

One in three American women

En ud af tre amerikanske kvinder

experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life,

oplever vold i hjemmet eller stalking på et tidspunkt i sit liv.

and the CDC reports that 15 million children

Ifølge en CDC-rapport udsættes 15 millioner børn for vold

are abused every year, 15 million.

på årsbasis. 15 millioner!

So actually, I was in very good company.

Så jeg var i godt selskab.

Back to my question:

Tilbage til mit spørgsmål:

Why did I stay?

Hvorfor blev jeg i det?

The answer is easy.

Det er let at svare på:

I didn't know he was abusing me.

Jeg vidste ikke, jeg var voldsudsat.

Even though he held those loaded guns to my head,

Selv om han holdt ladte pistoler mod mit hoved,

pushed me down stairs,

skubbede mig ned ad trappen,

threatened to kill our dog,

truede med at dræbe vores hund,

pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway,

trak nøglen ud af tændingen, mens jeg kørte ud ad vejen,

poured coffee grinds on my head

hældte kaffegrums ned over mig,

as I dressed for a job interview,

da jeg klædte mig på til jobsamtale,

I never once thought of myself as a battered wife.

tænkte jeg aldrig på mig selv som en voldsudsat hustru.

Instead, I was a very strong woman

I stedet var jeg en meget stærk kvinde,

in love with a deeply troubled man,

der var forelsket i en plaget mand.

and I was the only person on Earth

Og kun jeg kunne hjælpe Conor til

who could help Conor face his demons.

at se sine dæmoner i øjnene.

The other question everybody asks is,

Det andet spørgsmål, som alle stiller, er:

why doesn't she just leave?

"Hvorfor går hun ikke bare?"

Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time.

Hvorfor gik jeg ikke min vej? Det kunne jeg have gjort når som helst.

To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask,

Det er for mig det sørgeligste og mest smertefulde spørgsmål.

because we victims know something you usually don't:

For vi ofre ved noget, I som regel ikke ved.

It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.

Det er utrolig farligt at forlade en voldelig partner.

Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern

For sidste trin i voldsmønstret er:

is kill her.

"Dræb hende."

Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders

Over 70% af partnerdrabene sker,

happen after the victim has ended the relationship,

efter at ofret har gjort det forbi.

after she's gotten out,

Efter hun er sluppet ud.

because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.

For så har voldsmanden ikke mere at miste.

Other outcomes include long-term stalking,

I andre tilfælde fører det til langvarig stalking.

even after the abuser remarries;

Selv efter at voldsmanden gifter sig igen.

denial of financial resources;

Tilbageholdelse af økonomiske midler

and manipulation of the family court system

og manipulering af retssystemet

to terrify the victim and her children,

for at skræmme ofret og hendes børn,

who are regularly forced by family court judges

som jævnligt tvinges af dommere ved familiedomstole

to spend unsupervised time

til at opholde sig uden opsyn

with the man who beat their mother.

hos den mand, som slog deres mor.

And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?

Alligevel spørger vi: "Hvorfor går hun ikke bare?"

I was able to leave,

Jeg var i stand til at gå på grund af

because of one final, sadistic beating

en sidste sadistisk mishandling,

that broke through my denial.

som slog hul på min benægtelse.

I realized that the man who I loved so much

Det gik op for mig, at den mand, jeg elskede så højt,

was going to kill me if I let him.

ville slå mig ihjel, hvis jeg lod ham gøre det.

So I broke the silence.

Så jeg brød tavsheden.

I told everyone:

Jeg fortalte alle det.

the police, my neighbors,

Politiet, mine naboer,

my friends and family, total strangers,

mine venner og min familie. Vildtfremmede.

and I'm here today because you all helped me.

Og jeg er her i dag, fordi I alle sammen har hjulpet mig.

We tend to stereotype victims

Vi har det med at skære ofrene over en kam

as grisly headlines,

som uhyggelige overskrifter,

self-destructive women, damaged goods.

selv–destruktive kvinder, beskadigede varer.

The question, "Why does she stay?"

Spørgsmålet: "Hvorfor bliver hun?"

is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying,"

er hos nogle en kode for:"Hun er selv ude om det, fordi hun bliver."

as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men

Som om vi ofre aktivt vælger at falde for mænd,

intent upon destroying us.

der vil knuse os.

But since publishing "Crazy Love,"

Men siden jeg udgav "Crazy Love"

I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women

har jeg hørt hundredvis af historier fra mænd og kvinder,

who also got out,

som slap væk.

who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened,

Som har draget en uvurderlig lære for livet af det, der er sket.

and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives --

Og som har genopbygget deres liv, et glædefyldt, lykkeligt liv,

as employees, wives and mothers,

som ansatte, hustruer og mødre.

lives completely free of violence, like me.

Et liv helt uden vold.Som jeg selv.

Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim

Det har vist sig, at jeg er et typisk offer for vold i hjemmet.

and a typical domestic violence survivor.

Og en typisk overlevende fra vold i hjemmet.

I remarried a kind and gentle man,

Jeg giftede mig anden gang med en rar og blid mand.

and we have those three kids.

Vi har de tre børn.

I have that black lab, and I have that minivan.

Jeg har den sorte Labrador og minivanen.

What I will never have again,

Hvad jeg aldrig mere vil have,

ever,

nogen sinde,

is a loaded gun held to my head

er en ladt pistol holdt mod mit hoved

by someone who says that he loves me.

af en, der siger, at han elsker mig.

Right now, maybe you're thinking,

Lige nu tænker I måske:

"Wow, this is fascinating,"

"Hvor er det fascinerende."

or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"

Eller: "Hvor har hun dog været dum."

but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you.

Men jeg har faktisk hele tiden talt om jer.

I promise you there are several people

Jeg lover jer, at der er flere,

listening to me right now

der hører på mig her,

who are currently being abused

som lige nu er voldsudsatte.

or who were abused as children

Eller som blev udsat for vold som børn.

or who are abusers themselves.

Eller som selv begår vold.

Abuse could be affecting your daughter,

Vold kan ramme din datter,

your sister, your best friend right now.

din søster, din bedste veninde lige nu.

I was able to end my own crazy love story

Det lykkedes mig at gøre min egen vanvittige kærlighedshistorie forbi.

by breaking the silence.

Ved at bryde tavsheden.

I'm still breaking the silence today.

Jeg bryder stadig tavsheden i dag.

It's my way of helping other victims,

Det er sådan, jeg hjælper andre ofre.

and it's my final request of you.

Og det er min sidste bøn til jer:

Talk about what you heard here.

Tal om det, I har hørt her.

Abuse thrives only in silence.

Vold trives kun i tavshed.

You have the power to end domestic violence

I har magten til at gøre op med vold i hjemmet.

simply by shining a spotlight on it.

Simpelthen ved at kaste lys på det.

We victims need everyone.

Vi ofre har brug for,

We need every one of you to understand

at I alle sammen forstår

the secrets of domestic violence.

hemmeligheden om vold i hjemmet.

Show abuse the light of day by talking about it

Bring volden frem i lyset ved at tale om den

with your children, your coworkers,

med jeres børn, jeres kolleger,

your friends and family.

jeres venner og familie.

Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people

Få et nyt syn på de overlevende som dejlige, elskelige mennesker

with full futures.

med en indholdsrig fremtid.

Recognize the early signs of violence

Få øje på de første tegn på vold.

and conscientiously intervene,

Og grib ansvarsbevidst ind,

deescalate it, show victims a safe way out.

nedtrap volden, vis ofrene en sikker vej ud.

Together we can make our beds,

Sammen kan vi gøre vores senge,

our dinner tables and our families

middagsborde og familier

the safe and peaceful oases they should be.

til de trygge og fredelige oaser, som de bør være.

Thank you.

Tak.

(Applause)

(Bifald)