Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Leslie Morgan Steiner | TED

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

譯者: Gina Wang 審譯者: Anny Chung

I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question,

我今天在這裡想談談一個令人不安的問題

which has an equally disturbing answer.

它有個同樣令人不安的答案

My topic is the secrets of domestic violence,

我的題目是家庭暴力的秘密

and the question I'm going to tackle

我將要談到的問題

is the one question everyone always asks:

每個人都在問：

Why does she stay?

為什麼她要繼續留著？

Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?

為什麼會有人要留在打她的男人身邊?

I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker

我不是心理學家、社工

or an expert in domestic violence.

或家庭暴力的專家

I'm just one woman with a story to tell.

我只是位有個故事可說的女性

I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College.

當年我22歲，剛從哈佛畢業

I had moved to New York City for my first job

我搬到紐約進行人生第一份工作

as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine.

是Seventeen雜誌（青少年雜誌）的作家和編輯

I had my first apartment,

我擁有我第一間公寓

my first little green American Express card,

第一張信用卡

and I had a very big secret.

而且我個很大的秘密

My secret was that I had this gun

我的秘密是，我曾經被這支槍

loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head

被我自認的靈魂伴侶

by the man who I thought was my soulmate,

裝進中空彈並瞄準我的頭部

many, many times.

很多、很多次

The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth

我愛這個男人勝過地球上所有的人

held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me

但他拿著槍抵著我的頭，威脅說要殺我

more times than I can even remember.

次數多到我都數不清了

I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love,

我在這要告訴你「瘋狂之愛」的故事

a psychological trap disguised as love,

是心理的陷阱偽裝成愛

one that millions of women and even a few men

讓數百萬的女性甚至一些男性

fall into every year.

年年陷入不可自拔

It may even be your story.

這甚至可能也是你的故事

I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor.

我看起來不像一位典型的家暴生還者

I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,

我擁有哈佛大學英文系的學士學位

an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.

華頓商學院的商業管理碩士學位

I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies

我幾乎都在世界前500大的公司工作

including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post.

包括強生、李奧貝納和華盛頓郵報

I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband

我嫁給我第二任丈夫已快20年了

and we have three kids together.

我們有三個小孩

My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.

有一隻黑拉不拉多犬 我開本田Odyssey小箱型車

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So my first message for you is that domestic violence

我要講的第一件事是

happens to everyone --

家庭暴力會發生在所有人身上

all races, all religions, all income and education levels.

所有種族、信仰、職業和教育程度

It's everywhere.

它無所不在

And my second message is that everyone thinks

而我想讓大家思考的第二件事是

domestic violence happens to women,

大家都認為家庭暴力只發生在女性身上

that it's a women's issue.

是件女性議題

Not exactly.

其實並不然

Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse

超過百分之85的施暴者為男性

happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships,

而家庭暴力只發生在親密、相互依存且長期的關係中

in other words, in families,

換句話說，是在家庭內

the last place we would want or expect to find violence,

是我們最不希望、或期待看到暴力的地方

which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.

這也是家庭暴力令人困惑的地方

I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth

我很想告訴你，我是世界上最不可能

who would stay with a man who beats me,

在先生打我時還留在他身邊的人

but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age.

但事實上，由於我的年紀，我是位典型的受害者

I was 22, and in the United States,

我當時22歲，而在美國

women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely

16到24歲的女性成為家暴受害者的機率

to be domestic violence victims

是其它年紀的女性的三倍

as women of other ages,

是其他年紀的女性的三倍

and over 500 women and girls this age

這個年齡中，美國每年有超過500位的女性

are killed every year by abusive partners,

被暴力的伴侶、男朋友或丈夫殺害

boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.

被暴力的伴侶、男朋友或丈夫殺害

I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing

我成為典型的受害者也因為

about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.

我對家庭暴力的警訊和模式一無所知

I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.

我在濕冷的一月夜晚遇見康納

He sat next to me on the New York City subway,

他在紐約地下鐵坐在我旁邊

and he started chatting me up.

並開始與我閒聊

He told me two things.

他告訴我兩件事

One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school,

第一，他也才剛從長春藤盟校畢業

and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank.

他在華爾街一家極知名的銀行上班

But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting

但讓我在這第一次會面裡最印象深刻的是

was that he was smart and funny

他很聰明且幽默

and he looked like a farm boy.

他看起來很純樸

He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks

他有著圓通通的紅臉頰

and this wheat-blond hair,

褐黃色頭髮

and he seemed so sweet.

他看起來也很窩心

One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning,

從一開始，康納做得最聰明的一件事

was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.

是創造出一個假象 讓我成為這感情中的主導者

He did this especially at the beginning

為達到這個目的，自一開始

by idolizing me.

他就特別的崇拜我

We started dating, and he loved everything about me,

我們開始約會，他喜歡我的一切

that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard,

他覺得我很聰明、我讀過哈佛

that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.

我對於幫助青少年女性和工作都很有熱情

He wanted to know everything about my family

他想知道關於我家庭的一切

and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.

我的童年，對未來的希望與夢想

Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman,

身為一位作家和女性，康納對我的信任 是所有人中前所未有的

in a way that no one else ever had.

身為一位作家和女性，康納對我的信任 是所有人中前所未有的

And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us

他也透過傾訴秘密 創造出一種彼此信任的神奇氛圍

by confessing his secret,

他也透過傾訴秘密 創造出一種彼此信任的神奇氛圍

which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four,

他說他從很小，四歲開始

he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused

他就被他的繼父狠毒地一再施暴

by his stepfather,

他就被他的繼父狠毒地一再施暴

and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade,

這情況嚴重到他在八年級時必須輟學

even though he was very smart,

即使他很聰明

and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life.

他說他花了近20年重建人生

Which is why that Ivy League degree

這也是為什麼長春藤盟校

and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future

華爾街的工作和前程似錦的未來

meant so much to him.

對他而言十分重要

If you had told me

如果當時有人告訴我

that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me

這位聰明、幽默、體貼並愛慕我的男人

would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup,

有一天會主宰我是否要化妝

how short my skirts were,

穿多短的裙子

where I lived, what jobs I took,

住哪裡、做什麼工作

who my friends were and where I spent Christmas,

我的朋友是誰、我要在哪過聖誕節

I would have laughed at you,

我會笑你

because there was not a hint of violence or control

因為從一開始 康納根本就沒有暴力、控制、或暴怒的跡象

or anger in Conor at the beginning.

因為從一開始 康納根本就沒有暴力、控制、或暴怒的跡象

I didn't know that the first stage

我並不曉得在任何家暴的第一步

in any domestic violence relationship

我並不曉得在任何家暴的第一步

is to seduce and charm the victim.

是要引誘並吸引受害者

I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim.

我也不曉得第二步是要孤立受害者

Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,

康納當然沒有突然某天回家宣布

"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great,

"嘿！這場羅密歐與茱麗葉的戀愛很棒

but I need to move into the next phase

但我必須向下一步邁進

where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) —

我必須孤立你並施暴於你" （笑聲）

"so I need to get you out of this apartment

"所以我必須要讓你遷出這間公寓

where the neighbors can hear you scream

因為鄰居會聽見你的尖叫

and out of this city where you have friends and family

也要搬出這城市，這樣你的朋友、家人和同事

and coworkers who can see the bruises."

才看不到你身上的瘀青"

Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening

某周五晚上康納回家後

and he told me that he had quit his job that day,

告訴我他那天辭掉了他的夢想工作

his dream job,

告訴我他那天辭掉了他的夢想工作

and he said that he had quit his job because of me,

他說他辭職是因為我的緣故

because I had made him feel so safe and loved

因為我讓他感到安全並且被愛

that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore,

他不需要再到華爾街去證明自己的能力

and he just wanted to get out of the city

他只想要離開這個城市

and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family,

遠離他暴力的、不正常的原生家庭

and move to a tiny town in New England

搬到新英格蘭的小鎮

where he could start his life over with me by his side.

在那裡與我一起開始他的新生活

Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York,

當時，我壓根不想搬離紐約並辭掉我的夢想工作

and my dream job,

當時，我壓根不想搬離紐約並辭掉我的夢想工作

but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate,

但我想，人會為了靈魂伴侶而做出犧牲

so I agreed, and I quit my job,

所以我同意了，我辭掉我的工作

and Conor and I left Manhattan together.

而康納和我一起離開曼哈頓

I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,

我一點也不曉得我正陷入瘋狂之愛

that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid

我正一頭栽進一個經過小心盤算

physical, financial and psychological trap.

是身體、財務與心理的陷阱

The next step in the domestic violence pattern

家庭暴力模式中的下一步

is to introduce the threat of violence

是引入暴力的威脅

and see how she reacts.

並觀察女性的反應

And here's where those guns come in.

槍就是在這時出現的

As soon as we moved to New England -- you know,

當我們一搬到新英格蘭

that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe --

一個康納應該要感到十分安全的地方

he bought three guns.

他買了三把槍

He kept one in the glove compartment of our car.

他把一把放在車子前側的置物櫃

He kept one under the pillows on our bed,

一把放在我們床上枕頭的下面

and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times.

第三把放在口袋裡隨身攜帶

And he said that he needed those guns

他說他需要這些槍

because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy.

是因為他童年時經歷的創傷

He needed them to feel protected.

他需要它們才能感到受到保護

But those guns were really a message for me,

但那些槍其實對我是件警訊

and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me,

即使他從沒對我動手

my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.

每時每刻，我的生命已經充滿危機

Conor first physically attacked me

康納第一次對我肢體攻擊

five days before our wedding.

是在婚禮前五天

It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.

那時是早上7點，我還穿著睡衣

I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment,

我在電腦前工作，試著完成一份寫作的案子

and I got frustrated,

我那時有些沮喪

and Conor used my anger as an excuse

康納拿我的憤怒做為藉口

to put both of his hands around my neck

將他雙手掐住我的頸部

and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,

掐得很用力以至於我不能呼吸或尖叫

and he used the chokehold

他勒著我脖子

to hit my head repeatedly against the wall.

抓著我的頭去不斷撞牆

Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded,

五天後，我脖子上的十隻指印已散去

and I put on my mother's wedding dress,

我穿上我母親的婚紗

and I married him.

嫁給了他

Despite what had happened,

即使發生了那件事

I was sure we were going to live happily ever after,

我當時相信我們仍會過著幸福快樂的日子

because I loved him, and he loved me so much.

因為我愛他，他也深愛著我

And he was very, very sorry.

而且他也非常、非常後悔

He had just been really stressed out by the wedding

他只是因為婚禮和跟我共組家庭而備感壓力

and by becoming a family with me.

他只是因為婚禮和跟我共組家庭而備感壓力

It was an isolated incident,

這是單一個案

and he was never going to hurt me again.

他不會再傷害我

It happened twice more on the honeymoon.

這樣的事情在蜜月又發生了兩次

The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach

第一次，我正在開車找尋秘密海灘

and I got lost,

我迷路了

and he punched me in the side of my head so hard

他用力地揍我的側邊頭部

that the other side of my head repeatedly hit

用力到我另一邊的頭不斷的撞擊駕駛側的車窗

the driver's side window.

用力到我另一邊的頭不斷的撞擊駕駛側的車窗

And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon,

幾天之後，從蜜月開車回來時

he got frustrated by traffic,

他又因為塞車而生氣

and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.

把冷掉的大麥克堡往我臉上丟

Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week

在我們接下來兩年半的婚姻中

for the next two and a half years of our marriage.

康納持續的以一週一或兩次的頻率打我

I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique

我當時誤以為我是特例並孤單無援

and alone in this situation.

我當時誤以為我是特例並孤單無援

One in three American women

三位美國女性的其中一位

experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life,

在生命中會經歷過家暴或被跟蹤

and the CDC reports that 15 million children

疾管處的報告指出每年有1,500萬名兒童受虐 1,500萬名啊

are abused every year, 15 million.

疾管處的報告指出每年有1,500萬名兒童受虐 1,500萬名啊

So actually, I was in very good company.

所以我其實並不孤單

Back to my question:

回到我的問題

Why did I stay?

為何我仍然留下來?

The answer is easy.

答案很簡單

I didn't know he was abusing me.

我並不知道他在對我施暴

Even though he held those loaded guns to my head,

即使他拿著那些裝上子彈的槍對著我的頭

pushed me down stairs,

把我推下樓梯

threatened to kill our dog,

威脅要殺我們的狗

pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway,

在我開高速公路時把車鑰匙拔下

poured coffee grinds on my head

當我正在為工作面試而打扮時

as I dressed for a job interview,

把咖啡渣倒在我頭上

I never once thought of myself as a battered wife.

我從來不認為我是位受折磨的妻子

Instead, I was a very strong woman

反而，我認為我是位堅強的女性

in love with a deeply troubled man,

與一位大有問題的男人相愛

and I was the only person on Earth

而我是世界上唯一可以幫助康納解決問題 回到正軌的人

who could help Conor face his demons.

而我是世界上唯一可以幫助康納解決問題 回到正軌的人

The other question everybody asks is,

另一個大家都會問的問題是

why doesn't she just leave?

為什麼她不離開？

Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time.

為什麼我仍留著？我隨時都可以走啊

To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask,

對我而言，這是人們所問最令我最悲傷、痛苦的問題

because we victims know something you usually don't:

因為我們受害者知道一些你們通常不了解的事：

It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.

離開施暴者是件非常危險的事

Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern

因為家暴模式中的最後一步

is kill her.

是殺害被害者

Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders

超過百分之70的家暴謀殺案

happen after the victim has ended the relationship,

發生在受害者決定結束雙方關係之後

after she's gotten out,

是在她離開之後

because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.

因為加害者此時已無所顧忌

Other outcomes include long-term stalking,

離開後另外的結果包括長期跟蹤

even after the abuser remarries;

即使加害者已再婚

denial of financial resources;

或斷絕財務資源

and manipulation of the family court system

以及操弄家庭法庭制度

to terrify the victim and her children,

讓被害者及其子女感到恐懼

who are regularly forced by family court judges

因為家庭法官經常會強迫這些子女

to spend unsupervised time

在沒有監控的情形下

with the man who beat their mother.

與毆打他們母親的加害者共處

And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?

但我們仍然會問，為什麼她不離開？

I was able to leave,

我最後終於離開

because of one final, sadistic beating

是因為最後一場殘暴的毆打

that broke through my denial.

讓我再也無法自我否認

I realized that the man who I loved so much

我了解我若不採取手段

was going to kill me if I let him.

這位我所深愛的男人將會殺害我

So I broke the silence.

所以我打破沉默

I told everyone:

我告訴所有人

the police, my neighbors,

警察、鄰居

my friends and family, total strangers,

朋友、家人和陌生人

and I'm here today because you all helped me.

我現在之所以能在這裡，是因為你們都幫助過我

We tend to stereotype victims

我們對受害者常有刻板印象

as grisly headlines,

像是驚悚的頭條新聞

self-destructive women, damaged goods.

自我毀滅性的女性或像被毀壞的物品

The question, "Why does she stay?"

這個問題：為什麼她仍留著?

is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying,"

對某些人有這層含意：她留著是她的錯

as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men

好像受害者故意選擇與意欲要傷害人的男人戀愛

intent upon destroying us.

好像受害者故意選擇與意欲要傷害人的男人戀愛

But since publishing "Crazy Love,"

但自從出版《瘋狂之愛》後

I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women

我聽到了上百個男人或女人的故事

who also got out,

他們也離開家暴

who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened,

從這件事中學到寶貴的生命教訓

and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives --

並重建快樂、美滿的人生

as employees, wives and mothers,

成為職員、妻子和母親

lives completely free of violence, like me.

再也不受暴力威脅，像我一樣

Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim

由於我是個典型的家暴受害者

and a typical domestic violence survivor.

也是典型的家暴生還者

I remarried a kind and gentle man,

我後來嫁給了一位善良且溫柔的男人

and we have those three kids.

我們有三個小孩

I have that black lab, and I have that minivan.

我有黑拉不拉多犬、和小廂型車

What I will never have again,

而我再也不會碰上的

ever,

永遠不會

is a loaded gun held to my head

是被嘴上說愛我的男人 拿著一把裝了子彈的槍並抵著我頭部

by someone who says that he loves me.

是被嘴上說愛我的男人 拿著一把裝了子彈的槍並抵著我頭部

Right now, maybe you're thinking,

現在，也許你在想

"Wow, this is fascinating,"

"哇！好棒"

or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"

或"哇！她以前真是愚蠢"

but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you.

但自始至終，我其實是在說你

I promise you there are several people

我向你保證，現在有許多的聽眾

listening to me right now

我向你保證，現在有許多的聽眾

who are currently being abused

正在被家暴

or who were abused as children

或幼年曾經被施暴

or who are abusers themselves.

或他們自己是施暴者

Abuse could be affecting your daughter,

家暴可能正在影響你的女兒

your sister, your best friend right now.

姊妹、最好的朋友

I was able to end my own crazy love story

我以打破沉默來結束我瘋狂之愛的故事

by breaking the silence.

我以打破沉默來結束我瘋狂之愛的故事

I'm still breaking the silence today.

我至今仍然持續地打破沉默

It's my way of helping other victims,

這是我幫助受害者的方式

and it's my final request of you.

而這是我對你們的最後的要求

Talk about what you heard here.

把你們今天聽到的故事告訴別人

Abuse thrives only in silence.

沉默只會助長暴力

You have the power to end domestic violence

若你能讓家暴曝光

simply by shining a spotlight on it.

就有能力結束家暴

We victims need everyone.

我們受害者需要每個人

We need every one of you to understand

我們需要你們了解

the secrets of domestic violence.

家庭暴力的秘密

Show abuse the light of day by talking about it

透過談論家暴以讓大家了解

with your children, your coworkers,

與你的孩子、同事

your friends and family.

朋友和家庭談談

Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people

重新讓生還者有個美滿、討人喜愛的形象

with full futures.

並有燦爛的未來

Recognize the early signs of violence

了解家暴早期的徵兆

and conscientiously intervene,

並持續地介入

deescalate it, show victims a safe way out.

降低危險並讓受害者知道有安全離開的餘地

Together we can make our beds,

若我們一起努力，可以讓我們的床

our dinner tables and our families

晚餐桌和家庭

the safe and peaceful oases they should be.

成為安全、安祥的綠洲

Thank you.

謝謝

(Applause)

（掌聲）