Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Leslie Morgan Steiner | TED

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

翻译人员: chen jh 校对人员: Wei Wu

I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question,

今天，我想聊一个令人不安的问题，

which has an equally disturbing answer.

这个问题的答案同样令人烦扰。

My topic is the secrets of domestic violence,

我要说的是家庭暴力的秘密，

and the question I'm going to tackle

而我将要回答的问题

is the one question everyone always asks:

这个问题每个人都曾经问起：

Why does she stay?

“为什么她（家庭暴力受害者）会留下来？”

Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?

“怎么会有人愿意和一个打她的男人继续住在一起？”

I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker

我并不是精神病医生、社会工作者、

or an expert in domestic violence.

也不是家庭暴力方面的专家。

I'm just one woman with a story to tell.

我只是一个有着亲身经历要讲述的女人。

I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College.

当时我22岁，刚从哈佛学院毕业。

I had moved to New York City for my first job

我搬到了纽约，开始了自己第一份工作

as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine.

在“Seventeen”杂志社当编辑和撰稿人。

I had my first apartment,

我第一次有了自己的房子（公寓），

my first little green American Express card,

有了第一张信用卡。

and I had a very big secret.

我还有一个非常大的秘密。

My secret was that I had this gun

这个秘密就是我曾经

loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head

被我认为是我灵魂伴侣的男人

by the man who I thought was my soulmate,

用这把装满空心弹头的枪指着我的头

many, many times.

太多、太多次。

The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth

这个我曾经最爱的人，

held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me

用枪指着我的头，并威胁要杀掉我，

more times than I can even remember.

我已经记不得对我做了多少次。

I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love,

现在我所讲述的这个“疯狂爱情”的故事，

a psychological trap disguised as love,

是一个伪装成爱情的心理陷阱，

one that millions of women and even a few men

每年都会有上百万的女性，甚至也包括一些男性

fall into every year.

会掉进这个陷阱。

It may even be your story.

或许，它正发生在你的身上。

I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor.

我看起来不像是典型的家庭暴力受害者。

I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,

我拥有哈佛学院的英语学士学位，

an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.

还拿到了沃顿商学院的市场营销方面的MBA学位。

I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies

我决大多数时间都在为"财富"500强公司工作，

including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post.

包括强生，李奥贝纳和华盛顿邮报。

I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband

我嫁给我的第二任丈夫差不多20年了

and we have three kids together.

并育有3个孩子。

My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.

我养了一只黑色拉布拉多猎犬，开本田奥赛德面包车。

(Laughter)

（笑）

So my first message for you is that domestic violence

这就是我要告诉你的第一个事实：家庭暴力

happens to everyone --

可能发生在每个人身上

all races, all religions, all income and education levels.

无关你的种族、信仰、收入和教育水平。

It's everywhere.

它随处可见。

And my second message is that everyone thinks

我要说的第二个事实，是很多人认为

domestic violence happens to women,

既然家庭暴力发生在女性身上，

that it's a women's issue.

那应该是女性自身的问题。

Not exactly.

不是的。

Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse

超过85%的施虐者是男性，并且家庭暴力

happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships,

只发生在亲密的、相互依存的、长期的关系中，

in other words, in families,

换句话说，发生在家庭中，

the last place we would want or expect to find violence,

这是我们最不愿意，或最不期望看到暴力的地方。

which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.

这也是为什么家庭暴力如此叫人困扰的原因之一。

I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth

我原本以为世界上只有我一个人

who would stay with a man who beats me,

会继续留在一个打我的男人身边，

but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age.

但是事实上在我这个年龄段这种事情非常普遍。

I was 22, and in the United States,

我当时22岁。而在美国，

women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely

16至24岁的女性相比其他年龄段的女性

to be domestic violence victims

受到家庭暴力伤害的可能性

as women of other ages,

要高出两倍以上。

and over 500 women and girls this age

同样在美国，每年有超过500位

are killed every year by abusive partners,

妇女或女孩被施虐者杀害，

boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.

凶手是她们的男友，或者丈夫。

I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing

我是一个非常典型的受害者，

about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.

还因为我家庭暴力的预兆和发展模式一无所知。

I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.

我在一个雨夜遇见了康纳，那时是一月份，天很冷。

He sat next to me on the New York City subway,

我们在纽约的地铁上碰巧坐在一起，

and he started chatting me up.

他先跟我聊了起来。

He told me two things.

他告诉我两件事。

One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school,

第一件是他也毕业于常春藤联盟学校，

and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank.

并且在一个非常好的华尔街银行工作。

But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting

但是第一次见面给我留下最深印象的是

was that he was smart and funny

他的智慧和幽默，

and he looked like a farm boy.

而他的外貌看起来像农场男孩。

He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks

他的脸颊像大苹果一样红扑扑的

and this wheat-blond hair,

小麦色的金发，

and he seemed so sweet.

看起来十分讨人喜欢。

One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning,

在初次交往中康纳做的最聪明的事情，

was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.

是让我相信，在这段感情中我是强势的一方。

He did this especially at the beginning

尤其刚开始的时候，他让我觉得

by idolizing me.

我是他崇拜的偶像。

We started dating, and he loved everything about me,

我们开始交往，他喜欢关于我的一切，

that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard,

例如我的聪明，我在哈佛的求学经历，

that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.

我给予青少年女性的热情帮助，以及我的工作。

He wanted to know everything about my family

他很愿意了解我的家庭、

and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.

我的童年、我的愿望和梦想。

Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman,

康纳对我信任的程度，我身为一个女人和撰稿人，

in a way that no one else ever had.

之前从未没有在别人那里得到过。

And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us

通过透露他不为人知的秘密，他在我们之间营造了

by confessing his secret,

奇特的相互信任的氛围。

which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four,

他告诉我，他从四岁开始

he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused

他的继父就开始持续野蛮的

by his stepfather,

在身体上虐待他。

and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade,

虐待的结果是如此之坏，使得他不得不在八年级的时候辍学，

even though he was very smart,

尽管当时他十分的聪明。

and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life.

他花了几乎20年的时间重建他的生活。

Which is why that Ivy League degree

这也就是为什么常春藤大学的学位，

and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future

华尔街的工作和光明的未来，

meant so much to him.

对他意义重大。

If you had told me

如果那时有人对我说

that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me

这个聪明、幽默、体贴并喜欢我的男人

would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup,

会有一天命令我是否化妆，

how short my skirts were,

我的裙子能多短，

where I lived, what jobs I took,

我生活在哪，要做什么工作，

who my friends were and where I spent Christmas,

能和谁交朋友和在哪度过圣诞，

I would have laughed at you,

我会嘲笑你，

because there was not a hint of violence or control

因为我在康纳身上看不出一点暴力或者控制欲

or anger in Conor at the beginning.

或者愤怒的预兆。

I didn't know that the first stage

当时我并不知道，

in any domestic violence relationship

引诱和迷惑受害者是家庭暴力关系

is to seduce and charm the victim.

开始的第一步

I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim.

我当时也不知道，第二步是孤立受害者。

Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,

康纳并不是回到家，向我宣布

"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great,

“嘿，虽然罗曼蒂克之类的很棒，

but I need to move into the next phase

但是我们要进入下一阶段了

where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) —

我要孤立你然后虐待你。”（笑）

"so I need to get you out of this apartment

“所以我要你离开你自己的公寓，

where the neighbors can hear you scream

防止你的邻居他听见你的惨叫，

and out of this city where you have friends and family

我还要让你离开这个有你的朋友、家人和同事的城市

and coworkers who can see the bruises."

不然他们会看到你的伤痕。”

Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening

事实是，康纳在一个周五的晚上回到家，

and he told me that he had quit his job that day,

告诉我他辞掉了他的工作，

his dream job,

他梦寐以求的工作，

and he said that he had quit his job because of me,

他说他是因为我才辞职，

because I had made him feel so safe and loved

我让他拥有了无比的幸福和安全感，

that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore,

他再不需要到华尔街证明自己。

and he just wanted to get out of the city

现在他只想离开这座城市，

and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family,

原理那个充满虐待的、不正常的家庭，

and move to a tiny town in New England

搬到新英格兰的某个小镇

where he could start his life over with me by his side.

和我一起在那里开始新的生活。

Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York,

当时，我最不想做的就是离开纽约，

and my dream job,

离开我热爱的工作，

but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate,

但是为了自己灵魂伴侣，我想我需要做出牺牲。

so I agreed, and I quit my job,

所以我同意了，辞掉了工作，

and Conor and I left Manhattan together.

跟康纳一起离开了曼哈顿。

I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,

我以为自己陷入了疯狂的爱情，还不知道

that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid

我已经懵懂的走进了一张精心编织的

physical, financial and psychological trap.

控制你身体、心灵和经济的陷阱。

The next step in the domestic violence pattern

家庭暴力模式的第三阶段

is to introduce the threat of violence

就是开始用暴力威胁（受害者）

and see how she reacts.

并观察她的反应。

And here's where those guns come in.

这就是刚才（我拿出来的）枪的用途。

As soon as we moved to New England -- you know,

我们刚搬到新英格兰小镇

that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe --

——我想，康纳应该是觉得这里很安全——

he bought three guns.

他就买了三支枪。

He kept one in the glove compartment of our car.

一支放在车子的置物箱里，

He kept one under the pillows on our bed,

一支放在床的枕头下面，

and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times.

第三支则一直放在口袋里。

And he said that he needed those guns

他说小时候的精神创伤

because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy.

使得他需要拥有这些枪

He needed them to feel protected.

来让他自己保持安全感。

But those guns were really a message for me,

那些枪对我来说是一个明显的信号，

and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me,

尽管他并没有拿起枪指着我，

my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.

我已经无时不刻不处在危险的边缘。

Conor first physically attacked me

康纳第一次打我

five days before our wedding.

是在我们婚礼的五天前。

It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.

那是早上七点，我还穿着睡袍。

I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment,

我正在用电脑工作，想要完成自由职业撰稿的任务，

and I got frustrated,

当时我有些烦躁，

and Conor used my anger as an excuse

康纳以我的愤怒为借口，

to put both of his hands around my neck

用双手掐住我的脖子，

and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,

死死的掐着，让我无法呼吸，喊不出声。

and he used the chokehold

他从背后勒着我的脖子

to hit my head repeatedly against the wall.

一次一次的把我的头往墙上撞。

Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded,

五天之后，脖子上的十个手指印刚消退，

and I put on my mother's wedding dress,

我就穿上我妈妈的婚纱，

and I married him.

嫁给了他。

Despite what had happened,

尽管发生了那些事情，

I was sure we were going to live happily ever after,

我还是相信我们以后能幸福的生活，

because I loved him, and he loved me so much.

因为我们如此的相爱，也因为

And he was very, very sorry.

他表现出的深深的悔意。

He had just been really stressed out by the wedding

他只是压力太大了，婚礼的筹备和

and by becoming a family with me.

我家庭成员的到来让他喘不过气。

It was an isolated incident,

这是一个意外，

and he was never going to hurt me again.

而他以后不会再伤害我。

It happened twice more on the honeymoon.

蜜月期间我又被打了两次。

The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach

第一次，我驾车去寻找秘密的海滩

and I got lost,

我迷路了，

and he punched me in the side of my head so hard

他（坐在副驾驶座上）不停的打我的头，打得如此的使劲

that the other side of my head repeatedly hit

以至于我的头不断的撞到

the driver's side window.

驾驶座车门的玻璃。

And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon,

没过几天，过完蜜月开车回家的路上

he got frustrated by traffic,

堵车让他很烦躁，

and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.

他把一个冰冷的巨无霸砸在我的脸上。

Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week

在我跟康纳两年半的婚姻生活中，

for the next two and a half years of our marriage.

我每周都会被打一到两次。

I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique

我曾经误以为只有我一个人

and alone in this situation.

有这样的遭遇。

One in three American women

事实上，每三个美国女性中

experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life,

就有一个曾是家庭暴力受害者或潜在的目标，

and the CDC reports that 15 million children

而CDC的报告称每年有1500万的儿童

are abused every year, 15 million.

遭受虐待，1500万。

So actually, I was in very good company.

所以事实上，我不是个例。

Back to my question:

回到我的问题：

Why did I stay?

为什么我要留下来了？

The answer is easy.

答案很简单。

I didn't know he was abusing me.

我并不知道他是在虐待我。

Even though he held those loaded guns to my head,

尽管他用上膛的枪指着我的头，

pushed me down stairs,

把我推下楼梯，

threatened to kill our dog,

威胁杀掉我们的狗，

pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway,

在高速公路上拔掉车钥匙，

poured coffee grinds on my head

在我为了面试而准备着装时

as I dressed for a job interview,

把咖啡粉从我头上倒下来，

I never once thought of myself as a battered wife.

我从来没有想过自己是一个受到虐待的妻子。

Instead, I was a very strong woman

正好相反，我是一个很强硬的女性

in love with a deeply troubled man,

深爱着这个饱受困扰的男人，

and I was the only person on Earth

而且我是这世上唯一一个

who could help Conor face his demons.

可以帮助康纳面对自己心魔的人。

The other question everybody asks is,

大家都想问的另一个问题是，

why doesn't she just leave?

为什么她不离开？

Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time.

我为什么没有逃跑？我有很多的机会。

To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask,

对我来说，这是人们问过的最让我伤心和痛苦的问题，

because we victims know something you usually don't:

你不能理解，但是只有我们受害者自己清楚

It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.

离开施虐者是多么的危险。

Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern

因为在家庭暴力中的最后一步

is kill her.

就是杀掉她。

Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders

超过70%的家庭暴力谋杀

happen after the victim has ended the relationship,

发生在受害者结束这段关系后，

after she's gotten out,

在她离开之后，

because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.

因为施虐者已经毫无顾忌。

Other outcomes include long-term stalking,

其他可能的结果包括长期的跟踪，

even after the abuser remarries;

甚至施虐者再婚之后（仍会跟踪）；

denial of financial resources;

拒绝经济支持；

and manipulation of the family court system

欺骗家庭法庭

to terrify the victim and her children,

来恐吓受害者和她的孩子。

who are regularly forced by family court judges

孩子们通常会被家庭问题法官要求

to spend unsupervised time

和那个打他们母亲的男人

with the man who beat their mother.

一起度过一段无人监管的时间。

And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?

现在我们仍然会问，她为什么不逃走？

I was able to leave,

我之所以决定离开，

because of one final, sadistic beating

是因为最后一次残暴的殴打

that broke through my denial.

突破了我能承受的极限。

I realized that the man who I loved so much

我意识到如果我不反抗，这个我曾

was going to kill me if I let him.

深爱的男人会杀掉我。

So I broke the silence.

所以我打破了沉默。

I told everyone:

我向所有人求助：

the police, my neighbors,

警察，邻居，

my friends and family, total strangers,

我的朋友和家人，完全陌生的人，

and I'm here today because you all helped me.

今天我能站在这里，因为你们每个人都帮助了我。

We tend to stereotype victims

我们倾向于将受害者描述成

as grisly headlines,

作贱自己、轻浮的女人，

self-destructive women, damaged goods.

就像新闻中可怕的标题所言。

The question, "Why does she stay?"

“为什么她要留下？” 问这个问题

is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying,"

的一些人实际上在说，“这是她自己的错“，

as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men

就好像受害者是有意的和意图

intent upon destroying us.

摧残她们的男人相爱。

But since publishing "Crazy Love,"

但”Crazy Love”这本书出版之后，

I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women

很多男人和女人跟我诉说了他们的故事

who also got out,

他们也想告诉别人，

who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened,

他们从发生的事情中学到了无价的一课，

and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives --

他们重新开始了生活——开心快乐的生活——

as employees, wives and mothers,

作为员工、妻子和母亲，

lives completely free of violence, like me.

就像我现在一样生活，远离暴力。

Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim

实际上，我是典型的家庭暴力受害者，

and a typical domestic violence survivor.

也是典型的家庭暴力幸存者。

I remarried a kind and gentle man,

我和一个温柔善良男人再次结婚，

and we have those three kids.

有了三个孩子。

I have that black lab, and I have that minivan.

我养了一只黑色拉布拉多猎犬，开本田奥赛德面包车。

What I will never have again,

而我永远不会再拥有的，

ever,

永远

is a loaded gun held to my head

是一个嘴里说爱我的人用

by someone who says that he loves me.

上膛了的枪指着我的脑袋。

Right now, maybe you're thinking,

此时此刻，你可能在想，

"Wow, this is fascinating,"

哇，这才神奇了，

or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"

或者，“喔，她真蠢，”

but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you.

但是在整个过程中，事实上，我在谈论的是你。

I promise you there are several people

我敢保证，现在正在听我说话的人中

listening to me right now

有一些人

who are currently being abused

正遭受着虐待

or who were abused as children

或者曾经在小时候被虐待过

or who are abusers themselves.

或者你就是一个施虐者。

Abuse could be affecting your daughter,

虐待可能正发生在你的女儿身上，

your sister, your best friend right now.

发生在你的姐妹、你最好的朋友身上。

I was able to end my own crazy love story

我能够结束自己“疯狂的爱”的故事

by breaking the silence.

靠的是打破沉默。

I'm still breaking the silence today.

今天我仍然在打破着沉默。

It's my way of helping other victims,

这是我帮助其他的受害者的方式，

and it's my final request of you.

同时也是我对你们最后的请求。

Talk about what you heard here.

告诉别人你今天听到的。

Abuse thrives only in silence.

虐待只能活在沉默中。

You have the power to end domestic violence

你有能力制止家庭暴力

simply by shining a spotlight on it.

只需要点亮星星之火。

We victims need everyone.

我们受害者需要每一个人的帮助。

We need every one of you to understand

我们需要你们每一个人理解

the secrets of domestic violence.

家庭暴力的秘密。

Show abuse the light of day by talking about it

和你的孩子，你的同事，

with your children, your coworkers,

你的朋友和家人讨论这个话题，

your friends and family.

将虐待曝之于光，

Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people

帮助幸存者重新找回美好、可爱的自己，

with full futures.

重新拥有未来。

Recognize the early signs of violence

发现家庭暴力的预兆

and conscientiously intervene,

并认真的干预，

deescalate it, show victims a safe way out.

减少发生的可能性，给受害者提供安全的出路。

Together we can make our beds,

让我们携起手来，

our dinner tables and our families

让我们的床，我们餐桌和家庭

the safe and peaceful oases they should be.

成为它们应该成为的安全、和平的绿洲。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（鼓掌）