Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Leslie Morgan Steiner | TED

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Translator: Nika Ambrožič Reviewer: Lenka Tušar

I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question,

Danes sem tu, da bi govorila o skrb vzbujajočem vprašanju,

which has an equally disturbing answer.

ki ima prav tako skrb vzbujajoč odgovor.

My topic is the secrets of domestic violence,

Moja tema so skrivnosti nasilja v družini

and the question I'm going to tackle

in vprašanje, ki se ga bom lotila,

is the one question everyone always asks:

je to, ki si ga vsi vedno postavljajo:

Why does she stay?

"Zakaj ostaja?"

Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?

Zakaj bi kdo sploh ostal z moškim, ki te pretepa?

I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker

Nisem psihiatrinja, socialna delavka

or an expert in domestic violence.

ali strokovnjak za nasilje v družini.

I'm just one woman with a story to tell.

Sem le ženska z zgodbo.

I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College.

Stara sem bila 22. Ravno sem diplomirala s kolidža Harvard.

I had moved to New York City for my first job

Preselila sem se v New York, kjer je bila moja prva služba,

as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine.

bila sem avtorica in urednica pri reviji "Seventeen".

I had my first apartment,

Imela sem svoje prvo stanovanje,

my first little green American Express card,

svojo prvo zeleno kartico American Express

and I had a very big secret.

in imela sem zelo veliko skrivnost.

My secret was that I had this gun

Moja skrivnost je bila, da je ob mojo glavo

loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head

držal to pištolo s kroglami s prazno konico

by the man who I thought was my soulmate,

moški, za katerega sem mislil, da je moja sorodna duša.

many, many times.

Zelo zelo pogosto.

The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth

Človek, ki sem ga ljubila bolj kot kogarkoli na Zemlji,

held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me

mi je ob glavo prislonil pištolo in mi grozil, da me bo ubil.

more times than I can even remember.

Večkrat kot sploh pomnim.

I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love,

Tu sem, da vam povem zgodbo o nori ljubezni,

a psychological trap disguised as love,

o psihološki pasti, ki je bila zakrinkana kot ljubezen,

one that millions of women and even a few men

o pasti, v katero vsako leto pade na milijon ženske

fall into every year.

in tudi nekaj moških.

It may even be your story.

Morda je to tudi vaša zgodba.

I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor.

Nisem videti kot tipična preživela žrtev nasilja v družini.

I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,

Imam diplomo iz angleščine iz Harvarda

an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.

in diplomo iz marketinštva iz poslovne šole Wharton.

I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies

Večino svoje kariere sem delala za podjetja iz lestvice "Fortune 500",

including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post.

med njimi Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett in The Washington Post.

I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband

S svojim drugim možem sem poročena že skoraj 20 let

and we have three kids together.

in skupaj imava tri otroke.

My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.

Imam črnega labradorca in vozim enoprostorca Honda Odyssey.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

So my first message for you is that domestic violence

Moje prvo sporočilo za vas je, da se nasilje v družini

happens to everyone --

lahko pripeti komurkoli:

all races, all religions, all income and education levels.

vsem rasam, vsem veram, vsem dohodkom in vsem stopnjam izobrazbe.

It's everywhere.

Povsod je.

And my second message is that everyone thinks

In moje drugo sporočilo je, da vsi mislijo,

domestic violence happens to women,

da se nasilje v družini dogaja ženskam,

that it's a women's issue.

da je to ženska težava.

Not exactly.

Ni čisto tako.

Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse

Več kot 85 procentov vseh zlorab povzročijo moški

happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships,

in nasilje v družini se zgodi le v intimnih, med seboj odvisnih, dolgotrajnih zvezah,

in other words, in families,

z drugimi besedami v družinah,

the last place we would want or expect to find violence,

ki so zadnji kraj, kjer bi hoteli ali pričakovali nasilje,

which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.

kar je eden izmed razlogov, da nas nasilje v družini tako bega.

I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth

Sama bi vam rekla, da sem zadnji človek na Zemlji,

who would stay with a man who beats me,

ki bi ostal z moškim, ki bi me pretepal,

but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age.

a sem bila zelo tipična žrtev zaradi svoje starosti.

I was 22, and in the United States,

Bila sem stara 22 in v ZDA

women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely

je za ženske med 16 in 24 let trikrat bolj verjetno,

to be domestic violence victims

da bodo žrtve nasilja v družini

as women of other ages,

kot za ženske drugih let.

and over 500 women and girls this age

V ZDA okoli 500 žensk in deklet te starosti

are killed every year by abusive partners,

vsako leto umre zaradi nasilnih partnerjev,

boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.

fantov in soprogov.

I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing

Tipična žrtev sem bila tudi, ker nisem vedela ničesar

about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.

o nasilju v družini, o njegovih svarilih ali vzorcih.

I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.

Conorja sem spoznala na mrzel deževen januarski večer.

He sat next to me on the New York City subway,

Usedel se je poleg mene na newyorški podzemni

and he started chatting me up.

in se z menoj začel pogovarjati.

He told me two things.

Povedal mi je dve stvari.

One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school,

Prva je bila, da je tudi on ravnokar diplomiral na prestižni šoli

and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank.

in da je delal v zelo vplivni banki na Wall Streetu.

But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting

A na najinem prvem srečanju je največji vtis name naredilo,

was that he was smart and funny

da je bil pameten in smešen

and he looked like a farm boy.

in da je bil videti kot kmečki fant.

He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks

Imel je polna lica kot jabolka

and this wheat-blond hair,

in pšenično blond lase

and he seemed so sweet.

in zdel se mi je tako prijazen.

One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning,

Ena izmed najpametnejši reči, ki jo je Conor storil že na začetku,

was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.

je bila, da je ustvaril iluzijo, da sem bila jaz dominanten partner v razmerju.

He did this especially at the beginning

To je delal predvsem na začetku,

by idolizing me.

ko me je idealiziral.

We started dating, and he loved everything about me,

Začela sva hoditi in vse na meni mu je bilo všeč;

that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard,

da sem bila pametna, da sem hodila na Harvard,

that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.

da sem bila strastna glede pomoči najstniškim dekletom in da sem imela to službo.

He wanted to know everything about my family

Hotel je vedeti vse o moji družini

and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.

o mojem otroštvu, o mojih upih in sanjah.

Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman,

Conor je vame verjel kot v pisateljico in žensko,

in a way that no one else ever had.

kot ni še nobeden nikoli poprej.

And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us

Med nama je tudi ustvaril čarobno atmosfero zaupanja,

by confessing his secret,

ko je povedal svojo skrivnost,

which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four,

ki je bila, da ga je že kot majhnega fantka pri štirih letih

he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused

večkrat in surovo fizično zlorabil

by his stepfather,

njegov pastor

and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade,

in da je zloraba postala tako huda, da je v osmem razredu moral pustiti šolo,

even though he was very smart,

čeprav je bil zelo pameten,

and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life.

in da je približno 20 let ponovno gradil svoje življenje.

Which is why that Ivy League degree

To je bil razlog, da so mu njegova prestižna diploma,

and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future

njegova služba na Wall Streetu in njegova svetla prihodnost

meant so much to him.

tako veliko pomenile.

If you had told me

Če bi mi dejali,

that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me

da mi bo ta pameten, zabaven in občutljiv moški, ki me je oboževal

would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup,

nekega dne ukazoval, ali naj nosim ličila ali ne,

how short my skirts were,

kako kratka so lahko moja krila,

where I lived, what jobs I took,

kje naj živim, katere službe lahko imam,

who my friends were and where I spent Christmas,

kdo so moji prijatelji in kje lahko preživim božič,

I would have laughed at you,

bi se vam smejala,

because there was not a hint of violence or control

ker v Connorju na začetku ni bilo niti trohlice

or anger in Conor at the beginning.

nasilja, kontrole ali jeze.

I didn't know that the first stage

Nisem vedela, da je prva stopnja

in any domestic violence relationship

v kateremkoli razmerju, kjer je nasilje v družini,

is to seduce and charm the victim.

zapeljati in očarati žrtev.

I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim.

Nisem niti vedela, da je drug korak osamiti žrtev.

Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,

No, Connor ni nekega dne prišel domov in naznanil:

"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great,

"Veš, tole Romeo in Julia zadeva je bila super,

but I need to move into the next phase

ampak moram v naslednjo fazo,

where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) —

v kateri te izoliram in zlorabljam." (smeh)

"so I need to get you out of this apartment

"Moram te spraviti ven iz tega stanovanja,

where the neighbors can hear you scream

kjer lahko tvoje kričanje slišijo sosedje,

and out of this city where you have friends and family

in ven iz tega mesta, kjer imaš prijatelje in družino

and coworkers who can see the bruises."

in sodelavce, ki lahko vidijo tvoje modrice."

Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening

Namesto tega je Connor nek petkov večer prišel domov

and he told me that he had quit his job that day,

in mi rekel, da je tisti dan pustil svojo službo,

his dream job,

svojo sanjsko službo,

and he said that he had quit his job because of me,

in rekel je, da jo je pustil zaradi mene,

because I had made him feel so safe and loved

ker se je počutil tako varno in ljubljeno,

that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore,

da se ni rabil več dokazovati na Wall Streetu

and he just wanted to get out of the city

in si je le želel ven iz tega mesta

and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family,

in stran od svoje nasilne disfunkcionalne družine

and move to a tiny town in New England

in se preseliti v majhno mestece v Novi Angliji,

where he could start his life over with me by his side.

kjer bi lahko na novo začel svoje življenje z menoj ob njim.

Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York,

Zadnja stvar, ki sem si jo želela, je bila zapustiti New York

and my dream job,

in svojo sanjsko službo,

but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate,

a mislila sem, da se za svojo sorodno dušo žrtvuješ.

so I agreed, and I quit my job,

Pristala sem in pustila svojo službo

and Conor and I left Manhattan together.

in s Connorjem sva skupaj zapustila Manhattan.

I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,

Nisem vedela da se noro zaljubljam,

that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid

da hodim naravnost v skrbno načrtovano

physical, financial and psychological trap.

fizično, finančno in psihološko past.

The next step in the domestic violence pattern

Naslednji korak v vzorcu nasilja v družini

is to introduce the threat of violence

je vpeljati grožnjo z nasiljem

and see how she reacts.

in videti, kako se bo odzvala.

And here's where those guns come in.

Tu pridejo na plan pištole.

As soon as we moved to New England -- you know,

Takoj, ko sva se preselila v Novo Anglijo - saj veste

that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe --

v kraj, v katerem naj bi se Connor počutil tako varno -

he bought three guns.

je kupil tri pištole.

He kept one in the glove compartment of our car.

Eno je imel v predalu v najinemu avtomobilu.

He kept one under the pillows on our bed,

Eno je imel pod vzglavnikom na najini postelji

and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times.

in tretjo je vedno nosil v žepu.

And he said that he needed those guns

Rekel je, da potrebuje te pištole

because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy.

zaradi travme, ki jo je doživel kot majhen fantek.

He needed them to feel protected.

Potreboval jih je, da bi se čutil varnega.

But those guns were really a message for me,

A te pištole so bile pravzaprav sporočilo meni,

and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me,

in, čeprav nikoli ni dvignil roke nadme,

my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.

je bilo moje življenje vsako minuto vsakega dne v večji nevarnosti.

Conor first physically attacked me

Connor me je prvič fizično napadel

five days before our wedding.

pet dni pred najino poroko.

It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.

Ura je bila 7 zjutraj in še vedno sem bila v spalni srajci.

I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment,

Delala sem na računalniku in poskušala dokončati samostojni pisateljski projekt

and I got frustrated,

in bila sem živčna.

and Conor used my anger as an excuse

Connor je mojo jezo uporabil za izgovor,

to put both of his hands around my neck

da je obe roki ovil okrog mojega vratu

and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,

in tako močno stisnil, da nisem mogla ne dihati in ne kričati.

and he used the chokehold

In med davljenjem

to hit my head repeatedly against the wall.

je z mojo glavo večkrat udaril ob zid.

Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded,

Pet dni kasneje je mojih deset modric na vratu zbledelo,

and I put on my mother's wedding dress,

oblekla sem si poročno obleko moje mame

and I married him.

in se poročila z njim.

Despite what had happened,

Kljub temu, kar se je zgodilo,

I was sure we were going to live happily ever after,

sem bila prepričana, da bova srečno živela do konca svojih dni,

because I loved him, and he loved me so much.

ker sem ga ljubila in on me je imel tako zelo rad.

And he was very, very sorry.

In bilo mu je zelo, zelo žal.

He had just been really stressed out by the wedding

Bil je le pod stresom zaradi poroke

and by becoming a family with me.

in zaradi tega, ker bi postal del moje družine.

It was an isolated incident,

Bil je osamljen dogodek

and he was never going to hurt me again.

in nikoli več mi ne bi storil česa hudega.

It happened twice more on the honeymoon.

Še dvakrat se je zgodilo na poročnem potovanju.

The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach

Prvič sem vozila avto in iskala skrito plažo

and I got lost,

in se izgubila

and he punched me in the side of my head so hard

in tako močno je udaril stran moje glave,

that the other side of my head repeatedly hit

da je moja druga stran glave večkrat udarila

the driver's side window.

ob okno ob voznikovem sedežu.

And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon,

Nekaj dni kasneje, ko sva se vozila domov s poročnega potovanja,

he got frustrated by traffic,

je postal slabe volje zaradi prometa

and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.

in mi v obraz vrgel mrzel Big Mac.

Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week

Conor me je še naprej pretepal nekajkrat na teden

for the next two and a half years of our marriage.

nadaljnji dve leti in pol najinega zakona.

I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique

Motila sem se in mislila, da sem edina

and alone in this situation.

in sama v tej situaciji.

One in three American women

Vsaka tretja američanka

experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life,

vsaj enkrat v življenju doživi nasilje v družini ali zalezovanje

and the CDC reports that 15 million children

in center za zdravje poroča, da vsako leto

are abused every year, 15 million.

zlorabijo 15 milijonov otrok. 15 milijonov.

So actually, I was in very good company.

Pravzaprav sploh nisem bila sama.

Back to my question:

Nazaj k mojemu vprašanju:

Why did I stay?

"Zakaj sem ostala?"

The answer is easy.

Odgovor je preprost.

I didn't know he was abusing me.

Nisem vedela, da me zlorablja.

Even though he held those loaded guns to my head,

Čeprav je ob mojo glavo prislonil nabito pištolo,

pushed me down stairs,

me potisnil po stopnicah,

threatened to kill our dog,

grozil, da bo ubil najinega psa,

pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway,

potegnil ključ iz vžiga, ko sem vozila po avtocesti,

poured coffee grinds on my head

mi na glavo stresel kavo,

as I dressed for a job interview,

ko sem se oblačila za razgovor za službo,

I never once thought of myself as a battered wife.

se niti enkrat nisem videla kot zlorabljeno ženo.

Instead, I was a very strong woman

Namesto tega sem bila zelo močna ženska,

in love with a deeply troubled man,

ki je ljubila moškega, s težko preteklostjo,

and I was the only person on Earth

in ki je bila edini človek na Zemlji,

who could help Conor face his demons.

ki bi Connorju lahko pomagala z njegovimi demoni.

The other question everybody asks is,

Drugo vprašanje, ki si ga vsi postavljajo, je:

why doesn't she just leave?

"Zakaj pač ne gre?"

Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time.

Zakaj nisem kar odšla? Kadarkoli bi lahko.

To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask,

Zame je to najbolj boleče in žalostno vprašanje, ki ga ljudje postavijo,

because we victims know something you usually don't:

ker mi žrtve vemo nekaj, česar vi po navadi ne veste:

It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.

zelo nevarno je pustiti tistega, ki te zlorablja.

Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern

Ker je zadnji korak v vzorcu nasilja v družini,

is kill her.

da jo ubiješ.

Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders

Več kot 70 procentov umorov, ki sledijo nasilju v družini,

happen after the victim has ended the relationship,

se zgodi po tem, ko je žrtev končala razmerje,

after she's gotten out,

po tem, ko je odšla,

because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.

ker takrat mučitelj ne more več ničesar izgubiti.

Other outcomes include long-term stalking,

Drugi izidi so dolgotrajno zalezovanje,

even after the abuser remarries;

celo po tem, ko se mučitelj ponovno poroči,

denial of financial resources;

prikrivanje finančnih sredstev

and manipulation of the family court system

in manipuliranje z družinskim sodnim sistemom,

to terrify the victim and her children,

da bi prestrašil žrtev in njene otroke,

who are regularly forced by family court judges

ki jih družinska sodišča redno prisilijo

to spend unsupervised time

k nenadzorovanim obiskom

with the man who beat their mother.

moškega, ki je pretepal njihovo mamo.

And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?

In se še vedno sprašujemo, zakaj enostavno ne odide.

I was able to leave,

Jaz sem lahko odšla,

because of one final, sadistic beating

ker se je zaradi zadnjega sadističnega tepeža

that broke through my denial.

moje zanikanje ustavilo.

I realized that the man who I loved so much

Ugotovila sem, da me bo moški, ki sem ga tako močno ljubila,

was going to kill me if I let him.

ubil, če mu bom to pustila.

So I broke the silence.

Prekinila sem molk.

I told everyone:

Vsem sem povedala:

the police, my neighbors,

policiji, sosedom,

my friends and family, total strangers,

prijateljem in družini, popolnim tujcem

and I'm here today because you all helped me.

in danes sem tu, ker ste mi vi vsi pomagali.

We tend to stereotype victims

Nagnjeni smo k stereotipom žrtev,

as grisly headlines,

kot so strahovite naslovnice,

self-destructive women, damaged goods.

samouničujoče ženske, poškodovano blago.

The question, "Why does she stay?"

Vprašanje "Zakaj ostaja?"

is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying,"

je za nekatere ljudi koda za: "Sama je kriva, da ostaja,"

as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men

kot da bi si žrtve namerno izbrale, da se zaljubimo v moške,

intent upon destroying us.

ki nas nameravajo uničiti.

But since publishing "Crazy Love,"

Odkar sem objavila "Noro ljubezen",

I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women

sem slišala na stotine zgodb moških in žensk,

who also got out,

ki so prav tako pobegnili,

who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened,

ki so se iz tega, kar se je zgodilo, naučili neprecenljivo lekcijo,

and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives --

in ki so na novo zgradili življenja - vesela, srečna življenja -

as employees, wives and mothers,

kot uslužbenci, žene in matere,

lives completely free of violence, like me.

življenja popolnoma brez nasilja, kot je moje.

Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim

Izkazalo se je namreč, da sem zelo tipična žrtev nasilja v družini

and a typical domestic violence survivor.

in zelo tipična oseba, ki je preživela nasilje v družini.

I remarried a kind and gentle man,

Poročila sem se z bodrim in nežnim moškim

and we have those three kids.

in imava te tri otroke.

I have that black lab, and I have that minivan.

Imam črnega labradorca in enoprostorca.

What I will never have again,

Nikoli več pa mi ne bo,

ever,

res nikoli,

is a loaded gun held to my head

ob glavo prislonila nabito pištolo

by someone who says that he loves me.

oseba, ki pravi, da me ljubi.

Right now, maybe you're thinking,

Zdaj si morda mislite:

"Wow, this is fascinating,"

"Vau, to je res fascinantno,"

or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"

ali "Vau, kako neumna je bila,"

but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you.

a ves ta čas sem govorila o vas.

I promise you there are several people

Obljubim vam, da je kar nekaj ljudi,

listening to me right now

ki me posluša

who are currently being abused

in ki jih trenutno zlorabljajo,

or who were abused as children

ali so jih zlorabljali kot otroke

or who are abusers themselves.

ali sami zlorabljajo.

Abuse could be affecting your daughter,

Zloraba se lahko dogaja vaši hčeri,

your sister, your best friend right now.

vaši sestri, vaši najboljši prijateljici.

I was able to end my own crazy love story

Svojo noro ljubezensko zgodbo sem uspela zaključiti tako,

by breaking the silence.

da sem prekinila molk.

I'm still breaking the silence today.

Še danes to počnem.

It's my way of helping other victims,

Tako pomagam drugim žrtvam

and it's my final request of you.

in tu je moja zadnja prošnja za vas;

Talk about what you heard here.

pogovorite se o tem, kar ste tukaj slišali.

Abuse thrives only in silence.

Zloraba uspeva le v molku.

You have the power to end domestic violence

Imate moč, da prekinite nasilje v družini,

simply by shining a spotlight on it.

samo izpostaviti ga morate.

We victims need everyone.

Me žrtve potrebujemo vse.

We need every one of you to understand

Vsakega izmed vas potrebujemo, da razumete

the secrets of domestic violence.

skrivnosti nasilja v družini.

Show abuse the light of day by talking about it

Izpostavite ga tako, da se o njem pogovorite

with your children, your coworkers,

s svojimi otroki, s svojimi sodelavci,

your friends and family.

s svojimi prijatelji in z družino.

Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people

Preživele predstavite kot čudovite očarljive ljudi

with full futures.

z bogato prihodnostjo.

Recognize the early signs of violence

Prepoznajte zgodnje znake nasilja

and conscientiously intervene,

in zavedno posredujte,

deescalate it, show victims a safe way out.

zmanjšajte ga, pokažite žrtvi varen izhod.

Together we can make our beds,

Skupaj lahko naredimo, da bodo naše postelje,

our dinner tables and our families

naše jedilne mize in naše družine

the safe and peaceful oases they should be.

varne in mirne oaze, kot bi morale biti.

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(aplavz)