Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Leslie Morgan Steiner | TED

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Prevoditelj: Anja Kolobarić Recezent: Ivan Stamenković

I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question,

Danas ću vam govoriti o jednom uznemirujućem pitanju

which has an equally disturbing answer.

s jednako uznemirujućim odgovorom.

My topic is the secrets of domestic violence,

Govorit ću o tajnama obiteljskog nasilja,

and the question I'm going to tackle

a pitanje kojim ću se pozabaviti

is the one question everyone always asks:

jest pitanje koje svi uvijek postavljaju:

Why does she stay?

Zašto je ostala s njim?

Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?

Zašto bi itko ostao s muškarcem koji ih tuče?

I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker

Nisam psihijatrica ni socijalna radnica,

or an expert in domestic violence.

ni stručnjakinja po pitanju obiteljskog nasilja.

I'm just one woman with a story to tell.

Ja sam samo obična žena s pričom.

I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College.

Bile su mi 22 godine. Tek sam diplomirala na Harvardu.

I had moved to New York City for my first job

Preselila sam se u New York i našla prvi posao

as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine.

kao novinarka i urednica časopisa "Seventeen".

I had my first apartment,

Prvi put sam imala vlastiti stan,

my first little green American Express card,

vlastitu malu, zelenu American Express karticu

and I had a very big secret.

i jednu ogromnu tajnu.

My secret was that I had this gun

Moja je tajna bio ovaj pištolj

loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head

napunjen ćorcima koji mi je uperio u glavu

by the man who I thought was my soulmate,

čovjek kojega sam smatrala srodnom dušom,

many, many times.

i to mnogo, mnogo puta.

The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth

Čovjek kojega sam voljela više nego bilo koga na svijetu

held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me

držao mi je pištolj uperen u glavu i prijetio da će me ubiti,

more times than I can even remember.

ni ne sjećam se više koliko puta.

I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love,

Ovdje sam kako bih vam ispričala priču o bolesnoj ljubavi,

a psychological trap disguised as love,

psihološkoj zamci prerušenoj u ljubav,

one that millions of women and even a few men

u koju milijuni žena, pa čak i nekolicina muškaraca,

fall into every year.

upadaju svake godine.

It may even be your story.

Možda je to čak i vaša priča.

I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor.

Ne izgledam kao tipična žrtva obiteljskog nasilja.

I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,

Imam diplomu iz engleskog s Harvarda,

an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.

magisterij iz marketinga s Poslovne škole Wharton.

I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies

Većinu karijeru provela u tvrtkama s popisa 500 najbogatijih tvrtki,

including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post.

uključujući Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett i Washington Post.

I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband

Već dvadeset godina u braku sam sa svojim drugim suprugom

and we have three kids together.

i imamo troje djece.

My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.

Imam crnog labradora i vozim Hondu Odyssey.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

So my first message for you is that domestic violence

Stoga je moja prva poruka vama ta da se obiteljsko nasilje

happens to everyone --

događa svima -

all races, all religions, all income and education levels.

osobama svih rasa, vjeroispovijesti, materijalnog statusa i razina obrazovanja.

It's everywhere.

Ono je posvuda.

And my second message is that everyone thinks

Druga moja poruka vama jest ta da svi misle

domestic violence happens to women,

da se obiteljsko nasilje događa ženama,

that it's a women's issue.

da je to žensko pitanje.

Not exactly.

To nije posve točno.

Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse

Preko 85 posto zlostavljača čine muškarci, a do obiteljskog nasilja

happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships,

dolazi samo u intimnim, međuovisnim, dugotrajnim vezama.

in other words, in families,

Drugim riječima - u obiteljima.

the last place we would want or expect to find violence,

Na posljednjem mjestu gdje bismo željeli ili očekivali naići na nasilje,

which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.

što je još jedan od razloga zašto je ono toliko zbunjujuće.

I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth

I ja bih vam sama rekla da nikad

who would stay with a man who beats me,

ne bih ostala s muškarcem koji me tuče.

but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age.

No, zapravo sam bila tipična žrtva, i to po svojoj dobi.

I was 22, and in the United States,

BIle su mi 22 godine, a u SAD-u

women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely

žene u dobi od 16 do 24 godine triput su sklonije postati

to be domestic violence victims

žrtve obiteljskog nasilja

as women of other ages,

nego žene iz ostalih dobnih skupina.

and over 500 women and girls this age

Preko 500 žena i djevojaka te dobi

are killed every year by abusive partners,

svake godine biva ubijeno od strane partnera

boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.

i muževa zlostavljača u SAD-u.

I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing

Bila sam vrlo tipična žrtva i po tome što nisam ništa znala

about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.

o obiteljskom nasilju, znacima upozorenja te o obrascima zlostavljačkog ponašanja.

I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.

Conora sam upoznala jedne hladne i kišovite siječanjske večeri.

He sat next to me on the New York City subway,

Sjeo je pokraj mene na podzemnoj željeznici u New Yorku

and he started chatting me up.

i počeo mi se nabacivati.

He told me two things.

Rekao mi je dvije stvari.

One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school,

Prva - i sam je tek diplomirao na uglednom fakultetu

and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank.

i zaposlen je u vrlo uglednoj banci na Wall Streetu.

But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting

No, ono što je na mene ostavilo najsnažniji dojam nakon tog prvog sastanka

was that he was smart and funny

jest činjenica da je bio pametan i duhovit

and he looked like a farm boy.

i izgledao je kao farmer.

He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks

Imao je velike obraze, velike rumene obraze

and this wheat-blond hair,

i plavu kosu boje žita

and he seemed so sweet.

i činio se tako drag.

One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning,

Jedan od najpametnijih Conorovih poteza, koje je povlačio od samog početka

was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.

jest stvaranje iluzije da sam ja ta koja dominira u vezi.

He did this especially at the beginning

Činio je to posebno na početku

by idolizing me.

tako što me dizao u nebesa.

We started dating, and he loved everything about me,

Prohodali smo i činilo se da mu se sviđa sve na meni.

that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard,

inteligencija, pohađanje Harvarda,

that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.

strast oko pomaganja tinejdžericama i oko mog posla.

He wanted to know everything about my family

Želio je znati sve o mojoj obitelji,

and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.

o mome djetinjstvu, mojim snovima i nadanjima.

Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman,

Conor je vjerovao u mene kao spisateljicu i kao ženu

in a way that no one else ever had.

kao nitko drugi.

And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us

Uz to je stvorio čarobnu atmosferu povjerenja između nas

by confessing his secret,

priznavši mi svoju tajnu:

which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four,

od vrlo rane dobi, od njegove četvrte godine,

he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused

opetovano ga je divljački tjelesno zlostavljao

by his stepfather,

njegov očuh,

and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade,

a to je zlostavljanje toliko eskaliralo da se ispisao iz škole u 8. razredu,

even though he was very smart,

usprkos visokoj inteligenciji,

and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life.

Gotovo 20 godina proveo je nastojeći ponovno izgraditi svoj život.

Which is why that Ivy League degree

Zbog toga mu ta diploma uglednog sveučilišta,

and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future

posao na Wall Streetu i sjajna budućnost

meant so much to him.

i jesu toliko puno značili.

If you had told me

Da ste mi rekli

that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me

da će mi taj pametni, duhoviti, nježni muškarac koji me obožavao

would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup,

jednog dana određivati hoću li nositi šminku,

how short my skirts were,

dužinu suknje,

where I lived, what jobs I took,

gdje živim, koje poslove radim,

who my friends were and where I spent Christmas,

tko su mi prijatelji i gdje ću provoditi blagdane,

I would have laughed at you,

nasmijala bih vam se u facu

because there was not a hint of violence or control

jer se ni trunčica nasilnog ponašanja, opsjednutosti kontrolom

or anger in Conor at the beginning.

ni bijesa u početku nije nazirala u Conoru.

I didn't know that the first stage

Nisam znala da je prva faza

in any domestic violence relationship

u svakoj nasilnoj vezi

is to seduce and charm the victim.

zavesti i šarmirati žrtvu.

I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim.

Nisam znala ni da je druga faza izolirati žrtvu.

Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,

Conor nije samo došao kući jednog dana i objavio mi:

"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great,

"Znaš što, ovo furanje na Romea i Juliju bilo je super,

but I need to move into the next phase

ali sad moram prjeći na sljedeću fazu

where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) —

i odsad ću te izolirati i zlostavljati" - (Smijeh) -

"so I need to get you out of this apartment

"pa ćemo napustiti ovaj stan

where the neighbors can hear you scream

da te susjedi ne čuju kako vrištiš

and out of this city where you have friends and family

i iz ovog grada u kojem imaš prijatelje i obitelj

and coworkers who can see the bruises."

i kolege koji bi primijetili modrice."

Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening

Ne, Conor je jednog petka uvečer došao kući

and he told me that he had quit his job that day,

i rekao da je dao otkaz na poslu,

his dream job,

a to je bio njegov posao iz snova,

and he said that he had quit his job because of me,

i rekao mi da ga je dao zbog mene

because I had made him feel so safe and loved

jer se uz mene osjeća toliko sigurno i voljeno

that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore,

da više ne osjeća potrebu dokazivati se na Wall Streetu

and he just wanted to get out of the city

te da sad samo želi otići iz grada,

and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family,

maknuti se od svoje zlostavljajuće disfunkcionalne obitelji

and move to a tiny town in New England

i preseliti se u gradić u Novoj Engleskoj

where he could start his life over with me by his side.

gdje će moći uz mene iznova započeti svoj život.

Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York,

Naravno, ja nisam željela otići iz New Yorka

and my dream job,

i napustiti vlastiti posao iz snova,

but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate,

ali smatrala sam da se za srodnu dušu treba žrtvovati,

so I agreed, and I quit my job,

pa sam se složila i dala otkaz,

and Conor and I left Manhattan together.

Conor i ja zajedno smo napustili Manhattan.

I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,

Nisam imala pojma da sam na putu u poremećenu vrstu ljubavi,

that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid

da naglavce padam u pažljivo postavljenu

physical, financial and psychological trap.

fizičku, financijsku i psihološku stupicu.

The next step in the domestic violence pattern

Sljedeći korak u ponašanju zlostavljača

is to introduce the threat of violence

jest uvesti prijetnju nasiljem

and see how she reacts.

i vidjeti kako žrtva reagira.

And here's where those guns come in.

I tu ulaze u priču oni pištolji.

As soon as we moved to New England -- you know,

Čim smo se preselili u Novu Englesku - znate,

that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe --

mjesto gdje se Connor navodno osjećao tako sigurno -

he bought three guns.

ponio je sa sobom tri pištolja.

He kept one in the glove compartment of our car.

Jedan je čuvao u pretincu našeg auta.

He kept one under the pillows on our bed,

Drugi je držao pod jastukom na našem krevetu,

and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times.

a treći je stalno nosio u džepu.

And he said that he needed those guns

Rekao je da mu ti pištolji trebaju

because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy.

zbog trauma koje je pretrpio kao dječak.

He needed them to feel protected.

Trebali su mu da bi se osjećao zaštićeno.

But those guns were really a message for me,

No, ti su pištolji zapravo bili poruka meni

and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me,

i iako još nije digao ruku na mene,

my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.

život mi je već tad bio u opasnosti svake minute svakog dana.

Conor first physically attacked me

Connor me prvi puta fizički napao

five days before our wedding.

pet dana prije našeg vjenčanja.

It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.

Bilo je sedam ujutro, ja sam još bila u spavaćici.

I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment,

Bila sam za računalom, pokušavala završiti članak

and I got frustrated,

i iživcirala sam se.

and Conor used my anger as an excuse

Conor je moj gnjev iskoristio kao povod

to put both of his hands around my neck

da stavi obje ruke oko moga vrata

and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,

i stisne ga tako čvrsto da nisam mogla ni disati ni vrištati,

and he used the chokehold

pa je tako me držeći

to hit my head repeatedly against the wall.

nekoliko puta udario mojom glavom o zid.

Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded,

Pet dana kasnije, deset masnica na mom vratu taman je izblijedjelo,

and I put on my mother's wedding dress,

ja sam obukla majčinu vjenčanicu

and I married him.

i udala se za njega.

Despite what had happened,

Unatoč tome što se dogodilo,

I was sure we were going to live happily ever after,

bila sam uvjerena da ćemo živjeti sretno do kraja svojih života

because I loved him, and he loved me so much.

jer sam ga voljela, a i on je mene toliko volio

And he was very, very sorry.

i bilo mu je tako silno žao.

He had just been really stressed out by the wedding

Jednostavno je bio pod velikim stresom zbog vjenčanja

and by becoming a family with me.

i zbog činjenice da ćemo postati obitelj.

It was an isolated incident,

Bio je to izolirani incident

and he was never going to hurt me again.

i nikada me više neće povrijediti.

It happened twice more on the honeymoon.

No, dogodilo se još dvaput na medenom mjesecu.

The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach

Prvi put, vozila sam se u potrazi za zabačenom plažom

and I got lost,

i izgubila se,

and he punched me in the side of my head so hard

a on me šakom udario u glavu tako jako

that the other side of my head repeatedly hit

da sam drugom stranom nekoliko puta udarila

the driver's side window.

u staklo prozora na vozačevoj strani.

And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon,

Zatim je, nekoliko dana poslije, vraćajući se s medenog mjeseca,

he got frustrated by traffic,

bio iživciran prometom,

and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.

pa mi je bacio hladni Big Mac u lice.

Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week

Conor me nastavio tući jednom do dva puta tjedno

for the next two and a half years of our marriage.

tijekom sljedeće dvije i pol godine našeg braka.

I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique

Bila sam u zabludi misleći da sam jedinstvena

and alone in this situation.

i jedina u takvoj situaciji.

One in three American women

Svaka treća Amerikanka

experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life,

tijekom života postane žrtvom obiteljskog nasilja ili uznemiravanja

and the CDC reports that 15 million children

a CDC izvještava o 15 milijuna djece

are abused every year, 15 million.

koje je svake godine zlostavljano, čak 15 milijuna.

So actually, I was in very good company.

Dakle, zapravo nas je bilo jako puno.

Back to my question:

Vratimo se na moje pitanje:

Why did I stay?

Zašto sam ostala s njim?

The answer is easy.

Odgovor je jednostavan.

I didn't know he was abusing me.

Nisam bila svjesna da me zlostavlja.

Even though he held those loaded guns to my head,

Iako mi je uperio napunjen pištolj u glavu,

pushed me down stairs,

gurnuo me niz stube,

threatened to kill our dog,

prijetio da će nam ubiti psa,

pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway,

izvlačio ključ iz motora dok sam vozila autocestom,

poured coffee grinds on my head

istresao mi kavu na glavu

as I dressed for a job interview,

dok sam se oblačila za razgovor za posao,

I never once thought of myself as a battered wife.

nikad se nisam vidjela kao zlostavljanu ženu.

Instead, I was a very strong woman

Umjesto toga, mislila sam da sam veoma snažna žena

in love with a deeply troubled man,

koja voli jednog teškog muškarca,

and I was the only person on Earth

kao i da sam jedina osoba na svijetu

who could help Conor face his demons.

koja može pomoći Conoru da pobijedi svoje demone.

The other question everybody asks is,

Drugo pitanje koje svi uvijek postavljaju:

why doesn't she just leave?

zašto jednostavno ne ode?

Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time.

Zašto nisam otišla? Mogla sam otići u bilo kojem trenutku.

To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask,

Za mene je ovo najtužnije i najbolnije pitanje koje ljudi postavljaju

because we victims know something you usually don't:

jer mi žrtve zlostavljanja znamo nešto što vi obično ne znate:

It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.

užasno je opasno napustiti zlostavljača

Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern

jer je zadnja faza ponašanja zlostavljača

is kill her.

ubojstvo žrtve.

Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders

Preko 70% ubojstava uzrokovanih obiteljskim naslijem

happen after the victim has ended the relationship,

dogodi se nakon što žrtva prekine vezu,

after she's gotten out,

nakon što se izvuče

because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.

jer tada zlostavljač više nema što izgubiti.

Other outcomes include long-term stalking,

Druge posljedice uključuju dugotrajno vrebanje i uznemiravanje,

even after the abuser remarries;

čak i nakon što se zlostavljač ponovno oženi;

denial of financial resources;

zatim uskraćivanje financijskih sredstava

and manipulation of the family court system

i manipulacija sudskim sustavom

to terrify the victim and her children,

u svrhu zastrašivanja žrtve i njezine djece

who are regularly forced by family court judges

koju suci obiteljskog suda redovito prisiljavaju

to spend unsupervised time

da provode vrijeme bez nadzora

with the man who beat their mother.

s čovjekom koji je tukao njihovu majku.

And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?

A mi još uvijek pitamo, zašto jednostavno ne ode?

I was able to leave,

Ja sam uspjela otići

because of one final, sadistic beating

zbog jednog, zadnjeg, sadističkog premlaćivanja

that broke through my denial.

koje me konačno osvijestilo.

I realized that the man who I loved so much

Shvatila sam da će me muškarac kojeg sam toliko voljela

was going to kill me if I let him.

ubiti ako mu to dopustim.

So I broke the silence.

Zato sam prekinula šutnju.

I told everyone:

Rekla sam svima:

the police, my neighbors,

policiji, susjedima,

my friends and family, total strangers,

prijateljima, obitelji, potpunim stranicma

and I'm here today because you all helped me.

I danas sam ovdje jer ste mi svi vi pomogli.

We tend to stereotype victims

Obično imamo stereotipnu predodžbu o žrtvama

as grisly headlines,

kao protagonisticama groznih naslova u novinama,

self-destructive women, damaged goods.

kao autodestruktivnim ženama, oštećenom robom.

The question, "Why does she stay?"

Pitanjem "Zašto ostaje s njim?"

is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying,"

neki zapravo žele reći: ";Sama si je kriva kad je ostala."

as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men

kao da se žrtve namjerno zaljubljuju u muškarce

intent upon destroying us.

koji ih žele uništiti.

But since publishing "Crazy Love,"

Nakon što sam objavila knjigu "Poremećena ljubav",

I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women

čula sam stotine priča muškaraca i žena

who also got out,

koji su i sami izašli iz loših veza,

who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened,

koji su i sami naučili vrijednu lekciju iz onoga što im se dogodilo,

and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives --

te koji su ponovno izgradili svoje živote, sretne živote pune radosti,

as employees, wives and mothers,

kao zaposlenici, supruge i majke

lives completely free of violence, like me.

te žive potpuno slobodni od nasilja - poput mene

Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim

Jer se ispostavilo da sam ja zapravo tipična žrtva obiteljskog nasilja

and a typical domestic violence survivor.

te tipična predstavnica onih koji su preživjeli obiteljsko nasilje.

I remarried a kind and gentle man,

Ponovno sam se udala, za nježnog i dobrog muškarca

and we have those three kids.

i imamo onih spomenutih troje djece,

I have that black lab, and I have that minivan.

onog crnog labradora i onaj automobil.

What I will never have again,

Ono što nikad više neću imati,

ever,

nikad,

is a loaded gun held to my head

jest uperen pištolj u glavu

by someone who says that he loves me.

koji drži netko tko tvrdi da me voli.

Right now, maybe you're thinking,

Trenutno možda mislite:

"Wow, this is fascinating,"

"Ovo je fascinantno."

or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"

Ili možda "Kako je bila glupa",

but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you.

no ja sam zapravo cijelo ovo vrijeme govorila o vama.

I promise you there are several people

Obećajem vam da ima ljudi

listening to me right now

koji me trenutno slušaju, a

who are currently being abused

koji su trenutno zlostavljani,

or who were abused as children

ili su bili zlostavljani kao djeca

or who are abusers themselves.

ili su i sami zlostavljači.

Abuse could be affecting your daughter,

Žrtvom nasilja može postati vaša kći,

your sister, your best friend right now.

sestra ili najbolja prijateljica.

I was able to end my own crazy love story

Ja sam svoju poremećenu ljubavnu priču uspjela prekinuti

by breaking the silence.

tako što sam prekinula šutnju.

I'm still breaking the silence today.

Danas još uvijek prekidam šutnju.

It's my way of helping other victims,

Na taj način nastojim pomoći drugim žrtvama,

and it's my final request of you.

a to je i moja završna molba upućena vama.

Talk about what you heard here.

Govorite o onome što ste ovdje čuli.

Abuse thrives only in silence.

Zlostavljanje uspijeva samo u tišini.

You have the power to end domestic violence

Imate moć prekinuti zlostavljanje u obitelji

simply by shining a spotlight on it.

jednostavnim ukazivanjem na njega.

We victims need everyone.

Mi žrtve trebamo svakoga.

We need every one of you to understand

Trebamo da svatko od vas razumije

the secrets of domestic violence.

tajne obiteljskog nasilja.

Show abuse the light of day by talking about it

Ukažite na zlostavljanje tako što ćete o njemu razgovarati

with your children, your coworkers,

sa svojom djecom i kolegama,

your friends and family.

svojom obitelji i prijateljima.

Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people

Prikažite one koji su preživjeli obiteljsko nasilje kao divne ljude

with full futures.

sa sjajnom budućnosti.

Recognize the early signs of violence

Prepoznajte rane znakove zlostavljanja

and conscientiously intervene,

i savjesno intervennirajte,

deescalate it, show victims a safe way out.

umanjite ga, pokažite žrtvama siguran izlaz.

Together we can make our beds,

Zajedno možemo učiniti svoje postelje,

our dinner tables and our families

zajedničke stolove i obitelji

the safe and peaceful oases they should be.

oazama mira i sigurnosti kakve bi i trebale biti.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)