Listening to shame | Brené Brown | TED

Prevodilac: Jasmina Francuski Lektor: Mile Živković

I'm going to tell you a little bit about my TEDxHouston Talk.

Pričaću vam malo o svom TEDx govoru iz Hjustona.

I woke up the morning after I gave that talk

Jutro posle govora, probudila sam se

with the worst vulnerability hangover of my life.

sa najvećim mamurlukom ranjivosti u svom životu.

And I actually didn't leave my house for about three days.

U stvari, nisam izlazila iz kuće neka tri dana.

The first time I left was to meet a friend for lunch.

Prvi put sam izašla da se nađem s prijateljicom na ručku.

And when I walked in, she was already at the table.

Kad sam ušla, ona je već bila za stolom.

I sat down, and she said, "God, you look like hell."

Sela sam, a ona je rekla: "Bože, grozno izgledaš."

I said, "Thanks. I feel really --

Rekoh: "Hvala. Osećam se stvarno...

I'm not functioning."

ne funkcionišem."

And she said, "What's going on?"

A ona će: "Šta se dešava?"

And I said, "I just told 500 people

Rekoh: "Upravo sam pred 500 ljudi rekla

that I became a researcher to avoid vulnerability.

da sam postala istraživač da bih izbegla ranjivost.

And that when being vulnerable emerged from my data,

I kada je moje istraživanje pokazalo da je ranjivost

as absolutely essential to whole-hearted living,

apsolutno neophodna da bi se živelo punim plućima,

I told these 500 people that I had a breakdown.

rekla sam pred tih 500 ljudi, da sam doživela nervni slom.

I had a slide that said 'Breakdown.'

Na slajdu sam napisala "Nervni slom".

At what point did I think that was a good idea?"

Kad mi je uopšte palo na pamet da je to dobra ideja?"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And she said, "I saw your talk live-streamed.

A ona reče: "Gledala sam tvoj govor uživo.

It was not really you.

Stvarno nisi ličila na sebe.

It was a little different than what you usually do.

Pomalo se razlikovalo od onog što inače radiš,

But it was great."

ali je bilo sjajno."

And I said,

Rekoh joj:

"This can't happen.

"To se ne sme desiti.

YouTube, they're putting this thing on YouTube.

Jutjub, staviće to na Jutjub.

And we're going to be talking about 600, 700 people."

I onda će biti reči o 600, 700 ljudi."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And she said, "Well, I think it's too late."

A ona reče: "Pa, mislim da je sad prekasno."

And I said, "Let me ask you something."

Rekoh: "Da te pitam nešto."

And she said, "Yeah."

Ona reče: "Da."

I said, "Do you remember when we were in college,

Rekoh: "Sećaš se kad smo bile na fakultetu,

really wild and kind of dumb?"

stvarno divlje i pomalo glupe?"

She said, "Yeah."

Reče: "Da."

I said, "Remember when we'd leave a really bad message

Rekoh: "Sećaš li se kada bismo ostavile groznu poruku

on our ex-boyfriend's answering machine?

na sekretarici svog bivšeg dečka?

Then we'd have to break into his dorm room and then erase the tape?"

Onda bismo morale da provalimo u njegovu sobu u domu i izbrišemo poruku?"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And she goes, "Uh... no."

A ona će: "Ovaj... ne."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Of course, the only thing I could say at that point was,

Naravno, jedino što sam tada mogla da kažem, bilo je:

"Yeah, me neither.

"Da, ni ja.

Yeah -- me neither."

Da, ni ja."

And I'm thinking to myself,

I mislila sam u sebi:

"Brené, what are you doing?

"Brene, šta to radiš?

Why did you bring this up?

Zašto si to spominjala?

Have you lost your mind?

Jesi li poludela?

Your sisters would be perfect for this."

Tvoje sestre bi bile odlične za ovo."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

So I looked back up and she said,

Ponovo sam je pogledala, a ona reče:

"Are you really going to try to break in and steal the video

"Zar ćeš stvarno pokušati da provališ i ukradeš video

before they put it on YouTube?"

pre nego ga okače na Jutjub?"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And I said, "I'm just thinking about it a little bit."

Rekoh: "Malkice razmišljam o tome."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

She said, "You're like the worst vulnerability role model ever."

Ona reče: "Ti si najgori uzor ranjivosti koji je ikada postojao."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Then I looked at her and I said something

Onda sam je pogledala i rekla nešto

that at the time felt a little dramatic,

što se tada činilo pomalo dramatičnim,

but ended up being more prophetic than dramatic.

ali je ispalo više proročanski, nego dramatično.

"If 500 turns into 1,000

"Ako 500 poraste na 1000,

or 2,000,

ili 2000,

my life is over."

gotova sam."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I had no contingency plan for four million.

Nisam imala rezervni plan za četiri miliona.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And my life did end when that happened.

I jesam bila gotova kada se to dogodilo.

And maybe the hardest part about my life ending

I možda najteži deo u vezi sa tim

is that I learned something hard about myself,

jeste da sam naučila nešto o sebi,

and that was that,

a to je bilo da,

as much as I would be frustrated

ma koliko bih bila frustrirana

about not being able to get my work out to the world,

kad nisam bila u mogućnosti da pokažem svetu svoj rad,

there was a part of me that was working very hard

postojao je deo mene koji je vredno radio

to engineer staying small,

na tome da ostanem mala,

staying right under the radar.

da ostanem neprimetna.

But I want to talk about what I've learned.

Ali želim da govorim o onome što sam naučila.

There's two things that I've learned in the last year.

Dve su stvari koje sam naučila u prethodnoj godini.

The first is:

Prva je:

vulnerability is not weakness.

ranjivost nije isto što i slabost.

And that myth is profoundly dangerous.

A taj mit je izuzetno opasan.

Let me ask you honestly --

Da vas iskreno pitam -

and I'll give you this warning,

i upozoravam vas,

I'm trained as a therapist,

ja sam školovani terapeut,

so I can out-wait you uncomfortably --

i mogu se vrpoljiti duže od vas,

so if you could just raise your hand that would be awesome --

pa ako biste samo mogli da podignete ruku, to bi bilo sjajno -

how many of you honestly,

koliko vas iskreno,

when you're thinking about doing or saying something vulnerable

kada razmišljate o tome da uradite ili kažete nešto ranjivo

think, "God, vulnerability is weakness."

pomisli: "Bože, ranjivost je slabost."

How many of you think of vulnerability and weakness synonymously?

Koliko vas razmišlja o ranjivosti i slabosti kao sinonimima?

The majority of people.

Većina ljudi.

Now let me ask you this question:

A da vas sad pitam ovo:

This past week at TED,

Prošle nedelje u TED-u,

how many of you, when you saw vulnerability up here,

koliko vas je, kada ste ovde gore ugledali ranjivost,

thought it was pure courage?

mislilo da je to čista hrabrost?

Vulnerability is not weakness.

Ranjivost nije slabost.

I define vulnerability as emotional risk,

Ja definišem ranjivost kao emocionalni rizik,

exposure, uncertainty.

izloženost, nesigurnost.

It fuels our daily lives.

Ona pokreće naše svakodnevne živote.

And I've come to the belief --

I došla sam do uverenja,

this is my 12th year doing this research --

ovo je 12. godina kako radim ovo istraživanje,

that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage --

da je ranjivost naša najpreciznija mera hrabrosti ,

to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen,

biti ranjiv, dopustiti da budemo viđeni

to be honest.

biti iskren.

One of the weird things that's happened is, after the TED explosion,

Jedna od čudnih stvari koje su se desile posle TED eksplozije, jeste da

I got a lot of offers to speak all over the country --

sam dobila mnogo ponuda da govorim širom zemlje,

everyone from schools and parent meetings

od škola i saveta roditelja

to Fortune 500 companies.

do najuspešnijih kompanija u zemlji.

And so many of the calls went like this,

I većina poziva je izgledala ovako:

"Dr. Brown, we loved your TED talk.

"Dr Braun, vaš TED govor je odličan.

We'd like you to come in and speak.

Voleli bismo da i kod nas držite govor.

We'd appreciate it

Bili bismo vam zahvalni

if you wouldn't mention vulnerability or shame."

ako ne biste pominjali ranjivost ili stid."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

What would you like for me to talk about?

O čemu biste želeli da govorim?

There's three big answers.

Tri su glavna odgovora.

This is mostly, to be honest with you, from the business sector:

Da budem iskrena, mahom dolaze iz poslovnog sektora:

innovation, creativity and change.

inovacija, kreativnost i promena.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

So let me go on the record and say,

Dozvolite mi da zvanično saopštim da je

vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.

ranjivost izvor inovacije, kreativnosti i promene.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

To create is to make something that has never existed before.

Kreirati znači stvoriti nešto što nikada ranije nije postojalo.

There's nothing more vulnerable than that.

Ne postoji ništa ranjivije od toga.

Adaptability to change is all about vulnerability.

Prilagodljivost promeni je usko povezana sa ranjivošću.

The second thing,

Druga stvar,

in addition to really finally understanding

pored toga što sam konačno u potpunosti shvatila

the relationship between vulnerability and courage,

vezu između ranjivosti i hrabrosti,

the second thing I learned, is this:

druga stvar koju sam naučila je ova:

We have to talk about shame.

moramo govoriti o stidu.

And I'm going to be really honest with you.

I biću sasvim iskrena sa vama.

When I became a "vulnerability researcher"

Kada sam postala "istraživač ranjivosti"

and that became the focus because of the TED talk --

to je dospelo u žižu javnosti zbog mog TED govora,

and I'm not kidding.

ne šalim se.

I'll give you an example.

Daću vam jedan primer:

About three months ago, I was in a sporting goods store

Pre oko tri meseca, bila sam u jednoj sportskoj radnji,

buying goggles and shin guards

kupovala naočare i štitnike,

and all the things that parents buy at the sporting goods store.

i sve ono što roditelji kupuju u sportskim radnjama.

About from a hundred feet away, this is what I hear:

Na oko trideset metara od mene čujem ovo:

"Vulnerability TED! Vulnerability TED!"

"Ranjiva TED! Ranjiva TED!"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

(Laughter ends)

(Smeh se završava)

I'm a fifth-generation Texan.

Ja pripadam petoj generaciji Teksašana.

Our family motto is "Lock and load."

Moto moje porodice je: "Puške na gotovs".

I am not a natural vulnerability researcher.

Istraživanje ranjivosti mi nije u prirodi.

So I'm like,

Pa sam pomislila,

just keep walking, she's on my six.

samo nastavi, za petama ti je.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And then I hear, "Vulnerability TED!"

I onda čujem: "Ranjiva TED".

I turn around, I go, "Hi."

Okrenem se i kažem: "Zdravo".

She's right here and she said,

Ona stoji tačno ispred mene i kaže:

"You're the shame researcher who had the breakdown."

"Vi ste istražiteljka stida koja je doživela nervni slom."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

At this point, parents are, like, pulling their children close.

U tom momentu, roditelji privlače svoju decu ka sebi.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

"Look away."

"Ne gledaj."

And I'm so worn out at this point in my life,

U tom trenutku svog života sam toliko izmorena,

I look at her and I actually say,

pogledam je i zapravo kažem:

"It was a fricking spiritual awakening."

"To je bilo prokleto duhovno buđenje."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

And she looks back and does this,

A ona me pogleda i uradi ovo:

"I know."

"Znam."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And she said,

I reče:

"We watched your TED talk in my book club.

"Gledali smo vaš TED govor u mom čitalačkom klubu

Then we read your book and we renamed ourselves

Onda smo pročitali vašu knjigu i promenile svoje ime u

'The Breakdown Babes.'"

"Havarisani komadi".

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And she said, "Our tagline is:

I reče" "Naš slogan je:

'We're falling apart and it feels fantastic.'"

"Raspadamo se, a osećaj je nestvaran."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

You can only imagine what it's like for me in a faculty meeting.

Možete samo zamisliti kako mi je na sastanku nastavničkog veća.

(Sighs)

(Uzdah)

So when I became Vulnerability TED,

I kad sam postala Ranjiva TED,

like an action figure --

kao neka akciona figura,

Like Ninja Barbie, but I'm Vulnerability TED --

kao NIndža Barbika, ali ja sam Ranjiva TED,

I thought, I'm going to leave that shame stuff behind,

pomislih, okaniću se svega toga u vezi sa stidom,

because I spent six years studying shame

jer sam provela šest godina proučavajući stid

before I started writing and talking about vulnerability.

pre nego što sam počela da pišem i govorim o ranjivosti.

And I thought, thank God, because shame is this horrible topic,

I pomislih, Bogu hvala, jer stid je ta grozna tema

no one wants to talk about it.

o kojoj niko ne želi da govori.

It's the best way to shut people down on an airplane.

To je najbolji način da ućutkate ljude u avionu.

"What do you do?" "I study shame." "Oh."

"Čime se bavite?" "Proučavam stid." "O"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And I see you.

Da, vidim vas.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

But in surviving this last year,

Ali dok sam preživljavala ovu prethodnu godinu,

I was reminded of a cardinal rule --

podsetila sam se jednog osnovnog pravila,

not a research rule,

ne istraživačkog pravila,

but a moral imperative from my upbringing --

već moralnog imperativa iz perioda mog odrastanja:

"you've got to dance with the one who brung ya".

"Ako nađeš prijatelje nove, ne zaboravi stare."

And I did not learn about vulnerability

I nisam naučila ništa o ranjivosti

and courage and creativity and innovation

i hrabrosti i kreativnosti i inovaciji

from studying vulnerability.

dok sam proučavala ranjivost.

I learned about these things from studying shame.

O ovim stvarima sam učila proučavajući stid.

And so I want to walk you in to shame.

I zato želim da vas upoznam sa stidom.

Jungian analysts call shame the swampland of the soul.

Jungovski analitičari nazivaju stid močvarom duše.

And we're going to walk in.

I ući ćemo u nju.

And the purpose is not to walk in

Nije nam cilj da uđemo,

and construct a home and live there.

sagradimo kuću i živimo tamo.

It is to put on some galoshes --

Cilj nam je da navučemo kaljače,

and walk through and find our way around.

prođemo kroz nju i snađemo se.

Here's why.

Evo zašto.

We heard the most compelling call ever to have a conversation in this country,

Svi smo čuli snažan poziv za razgovor u ovoj zemlji,

and I think globally, around race, right?

a mislim i u svetu, o pitanjima rase, zar ne?

Yes? We heard that.

Da? Čuli smo.

Yes?

Da?

Cannot have that conversation without shame.

Ne možete razgovarati o tome bez osećaja stida.

Because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege.

Jer ne možete govoriti o rasi, a da ne govorite o privilegijama.

And when people start talking about privilege,

A kad ljudi počnu da govore o privilegijama,

they get paralyzed by shame.

parališe ih stid.

We heard a brilliant simple solution to not killing people in surgery,

Čuli smo za sjajno, jednostavno rešenje za smrtnost tokom operativnih zahvata,

which is, have a checklist.

a to je, kontrolna lista.

You can't fix that problem without addressing shame,

Ne možete rešiti taj problem, a da se ne dotaknete stida,

because when they teach those folks how to suture,

jer kad uče ove ljude kako da zašiju ranu,

they also teach them how to stitch their self-worth

takođe ih uče da zakrpe osećanje svoje sopstvene vrednosti

to being all-powerful.

osećanjem svemoći.

And all-powerful folks don't need checklists.

A svemoćnim ljudima nisu potrebne kontrolne liste.

And I had to write down the name of this TED Fellow

Morala sam da zapišem ime ovog TED učesnika

so I didn't mess it up here.

da ne bih zabrljala ovde.

Myshkin Ingawale,

Miškin Ingavali.

I hope I did right by you.

Nadam se da sam dobro rekla.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

I saw the TED Fellows my first day here.

Gledala sam učesnike svog prvog dana ovde

And he got up and he explained how he was driven to create

On je ustao i objasnio kako je bio podstaknut da napravi

some technology to help test for anemia,

neku tehnološku napravu za testiranje anemije

because people were dying unnecessarily.

jer su ljudi nepotrebno umirali.

And he said, "I saw this need.

I reče: "Uočio sam potrebu.

So you know what I did? I made it."

I šta sam uradio? Napravio sam je."

And everybody just burst into applause, and they were like "Yes!"

I svi su počeli da tapšu i uzvikuju: "To!"

And he said, "And it didn't work.

A on reče: "I nije radila.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And then I made it 32 more times,

I onda sam je pravio još 32 puta,

and then it worked."

i tek onda je radila."

You know what the big secret about TED is?

Znate li koja je velika tajna TED-a?

I can't wait to tell people this.

Ne mogu da dočekam da ispričam.

I guess I'm doing it right now.

Valjda upravo sada to i radim.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

This is like the failure conference.

Ovo je kao rasprava o neuspehu.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

No, it is.

Ne, jeste.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

You know why this place is amazing?

Znate li zašto je ovo mesto čudesno?

Because very few people here are afraid to fail.

Zato što se ovde vrlo mali broj ljudi plaši neuspeha.

And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I've seen, has not failed.

Niko ko se popne na ovu binu, koliko sam do sad videla, ne doživi neuspeh.

I've failed miserably, many times.

Ja sam mnogo puta pretrpela teške neuspehe.

I don't think the world understands that,

Mislim da svet to ne shvata,

because of shame.

zbog stida.

There's a great quote that saved me this past year

Ima jedan sjajan citat koji me je spasao prošle godine

by Theodore Roosevelt.

od Teodora Ruzvelta.

A lot of people refer to it as the "Man in the Arena" quote.

Mnogim ljudima je poznat po nazivu "Čovek u areni".

And it goes like this:

A ide ovako:

"It is not the critic who counts.

"Nije važan kritičar.

It is not the man who sits and points out

Ne čovek koji sedi i ukazuje na to

how the doer of deeds could have done things better

kako je izvršilac dela mogao bolje da uradi stvari

and how he falls and stumbles.

i kako je pao i spotakao se.

The credit goes to the man in the arena

Zaslužan je čovek u areni

whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat.

čije lice je umrljano prašinom i krvlju i znojem.

But when he's in the arena,

A kad je u areni,

at best, he wins,

u najboljem slučaju pobeđuje,

and at worst, he loses,

a u najgorem gubi,

but when he fails, when he loses,

ali kada padne, kada izgubi,

he does so daring greatly."

to čini izuzetno smelo."

And that's what this conference, to me, is about.

I, po meni, ova rasprava je upravo o tome.

Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena.

U životu je ključno usuditi se, biti u areni.

When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door,

Kada dođete do te arene i stavite svoju ruku na vrata,

and you think, "I'm going in and I'm going to try this,"

i pomislite: "Ući ću i pokušaću ovo",

shame is the gremlin

stid je taj gremlin

who says, "Uh, uh.

koji kaže: "A-a.

You're not good enough.

Nisi dovoljno dobar.

You never finished that MBA. Your wife left you.

Nikada nisi završio onaj master. Žena te je ostavila.

I know your dad really wasn't in Luxembourg,

Znam da ti tata nije stvarno bio u Luksemburgu,

he was in Sing Sing.

bio je u zatvoru.

I know those things that happened to you growing up.

Znam šta vam se događalo dok ste odrastali.

I know you don't think

Znam da ne mislite

that you're pretty, smart, talented or powerful enough.

da ste dovoljno lepi, pametni, talentovani ili moćni.

I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO."

Znam da vaš otac nije mario ni kad ste postali finansijski direktor.

Shame is that thing.

To je stid.

And if we can quiet it down and walk in

I ako možemo da ga ućutkamo i uđemo

and say, "I'm going to do this,"

i kažemo: "Uradiću ovo",

we look up and the critic that we see pointing and laughing,

pogledamo u kritičara koji upire prstom i smeje se,

99 percent of the time is who?

a on je, u 99 posto slučajeva, ko?

Us.

Mi sami.

Shame drives two big tapes --

Stid uzrokuju dve značajne poruke:

"never good enough" --

"nisi dovoljno dobar",

and, if you can talk it out of that one,

i ako uspete ovo da savladate,

"who do you think you are?"

"šta misliš ko si ti?"

The thing to understand about shame is, it's not guilt.

Treba shvatiti da stid nije krivica.

Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior.

Stid je usredsređena na ličnost, krivica na ponašanje.

Shame is "I am bad."

Stid je: "Ja sam loš."

Guilt is "I did something bad."

Krivica je: "Uradio sam nešto loše."

How many of you,

Koliko vas,

if you did something that was hurtful to me,

ako biste mi učinili nešto loše,

would be willing to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?"

bi bilo spremno da kaže: "Žao mi je. Pogrešio sam"?

How many of you would be willing to say that?

Koliko vas bi bilo spremno da to izgovori?

Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake.

Krivica: Žao mi je. Pogrešio sam.

Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.

Stid: Žao mi je. Ja sam greška.

There's a huge difference between shame and guilt.

Postoji ogromna razlika između stida i krivice.

And here's what you need to know.

I evo šta treba da znate:

Shame is highly, highly correlated

stid je u veoma visokoj korelaciji

with addiction, depression, violence, aggression,

sa zavisnošću, depresijom, nasiljem, agresijom,

bullying, suicide, eating disorders.

maltretiranjem, samoubistvom, poremećajima u ishrani.

And here's what you even need to know more.

I evo šta treba još bolje da znate:

Guilt, inversely correlated with those things.

krivica je u obrnutoj korelaciji sa tim stvarima.

The ability to hold something we've done or failed to do

Sposobnost da ono što smo uradili ili nismo uspeli da uradimo,

up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive.

uporedimo sa onim što želimo da postanemo, je neverovatno prilagodljiva.

It's uncomfortable, but it's adaptive.

Neprijatna, ali prilagodljiva.

The other thing you need to know about shame

Druga stvar koju treba da znate o stidu

is it's absolutely organized by gender.

jeste da je on u potpunosti ustrojen po polu.

If shame washes over me and washes over Chris,

Ako stid oblije mene i oblije Krisa,

it's going to feel the same.

biće to isti osećaj.

Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame.

Svi ovde znaju kako je kada vas oblije toplina od stida.

We're pretty sure that the only people who don't experience shame

Prilično smo sigurni da su jedini ljudi koji ne osećaju stid

are people who have no capacity for connection or empathy.

oni koji nemaju sposobnost povezivanja i empatije.

Which means, yes, I have a little shame;

Što znači: da, malo se stidim;

no, I'm a sociopath.

ne, ja sam sociopata.

So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame.

Ja bih izabrala: da, pomalo se stidim.

Shame feels the same for men and women,

Stid je isti i kod muškaraca i kod žena,

but it's organized by gender.

ali je ustrojen po polu.

For women,

Što se žena tiče,

the best example I can give you is Enjoli, the commercial.

najbolji primer koji vam mogu dati je reklama za parfem Anžoli.

"I can put the wash on the line, pack the lunches, hand out the kisses

"Mogu da raširim veš, spakujem ručak, podelim poljupce

and be at work at five to nine.

i budem na poslu od devet do pet.

I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan

Mogu da zaradim za slaninu, ispečem je u tiganju,

and never let you forget you're a man."

i ne dozvolim da zaboraviš da si muško."

For women, shame is, do it all,

Za žene, stid je: uradi sve,

do it perfectly

uradi to savršeno

and never let them see you sweat.

i nikad ne dozvoli da vide da se znojiš.

I don't know how much perfume that commercial sold,

Ne znam koliko je parfema reklama prodala,

but I guarantee you,

ali vam garantujem da je

it moved a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.

podstakla potrošnju mnogih antidepresiva i lekova za smirenje.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Shame, for women, is this web

Stid je, za žene, ova mreža

of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations

nedostižnih, oprečnih, suprotstavljenih očekivanja

about who we're supposed to be.

o tome ko bi trebalo da budemo.

And it's a straight-jacket.

A to je ludačka košulja.

For men,

Za muškarce,

shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations.

stid ne predstavlja gomilu oprečnih, suprotstavljenih očekivanja.

Shame is one,

Stid je jedno -

do not be perceived as what?

ne dozvoli da te dožive kao, šta?

Weak.

Slabog.

Nisam intervjuisala muškarce tokom prve četiri godine mog istraživanja.

I did not interview men for the first four years of my study.

It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said,

Dok me, nakon potpisivanja knjige, jedan čovek nije pogledao i rekao:

"I love what say about shame,

"Sviđa mi se šta kažete o stidu,

I'm curious why you didn't mention men."

zanima me zašto ne spominjete muškarce."

And I said, "I don't study men."

Rekoh: "Ne proučavam muškarce."

And he said, "That's convenient."

A on reče: "Baš zgodno."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And I said, "Why?"

Rekoh: "Zašto?"

And he said, "Because you say to reach out,

A on reče: "Zato što kažete da budemo otvoreni,

tell our story,

da ispričamo svoju priču,

be vulnerable.

da budemo ranjivi.

But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?"

A vidite one knjige koje ste upravo potpisali za moju ženu i tri ćerke?"

I said, "Yeah."

Rekoh: "Da."

"They'd rather me die on top of my white horse

"One bi radije da ja umrem na svom belom konju

than watch me fall down.

nego da me gledaju da padam.

When we reach out and be vulnerable,

Kada se otvorimo i postanemo ranjivi,

we get the shit beat out of us.

premlate nas.

And don't tell me

I nemojte mi reći

it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads.

da to rade samo momci i treneri i tate.

Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."

Jer u mom životu žene su strožije prema meni od bilo koga drugog."

So I started interviewing men and asking questions.

I počela sam da ispitujem muškarce i postavljam pitanja.

And what I learned is this:

I naučila sam sledeće:

You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man

Pokažite mi ženu koja može da bude sa muškarcem

in real vulnerability and fear,

koji je istinski ranjiv i uplašen,

I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work.

i pokazaću vam ženu koja je postigla neverovatnu stvar.

You show me a man who can sit with a woman

Ako mi pokažete muškarca koji može da bude sa ženom

who's just had it,

kojoj je dosta svega,

she can't do it all anymore,

koja ne može više,

and his first response is not,

a da njegova prva reakcija nije:

"I unloaded the dishwasher!"

"ispraznio sam mašinu za pranje suđa!"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

But he really listens --

već da zaista sluša,

because that's all we need --

jer nam je samo to potrebno,

I'll show you a guy who's done a lot of work.

pokazaću vam muškarca koji je mnogo postigao.

Shame is an epidemic in our culture.

Stid je epidemija u našoj kulturi.

And to get out from underneath it --

I da bismo mu izmakli,

to find our way back to each other,

da bismo se vratili jedni drugima,

we have to understand how it affects us

moramo razumeti kako on utiče na nas,

and how it affects the way we're parenting,

i kako utiče na naše roditeljstvo,

the way we're working, the way we're looking at each other.

na naš posao, na način na koji vidimo jedni druge.

Very quickly, some research by Mahalik at Boston College.

I brzo, jedno Mahalikovo istraživanje na Univerzitetu u Bostonu.

He asked, what do women need to do to conform to female norms?

Pitao je šta žene treba da rade da bi se povinovale ženskim normama?

The top answers in this country:

Najčešći odgovori u ovoj zemlji su:

nice, thin, modest

fine, vitke, skromne

and use all available resources for appearance.

i dodajte sve moguće reči koje opisuju izgled.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

When he asked about men,

Kada je pitao za muškarce,

what do men in this country need to do to conform with male norms,

šta muškarci treba da rade da bi se povinovali muškim normama,

the answers were:

odgovori su:

always show emotional control,

da uvek kontrolišu osećanja,

work is first,

posao na prvom mestu,

pursue status and violence.

da izgrađuju društveni status i budu nasilni.

If we're going to find our way back to each other,

Ako hoćemo da se vratimo jedni drugima,

we have to understand and know empathy,

moramo razumeti i znati šta je empatija,

because empathy's the antidote to shame.

jer je empatija protivotrov za stid.

If you put shame in a Petri dish,

Ako stavite stid u petrijevu posudu,

it needs three things to grow exponentially:

trebaju mu tri stvari za eksponencijalni rast:

secrecy, silence and judgment.

tajnost, tišina i osuda.

If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy,

Ako u posudu stavite istu količinu stida, i natopite je empatijom,

it can't survive.

ne može da preživi.

The two most powerful words when we're in struggle:

Dve najmoćnije reči kada se borimo s nečim su:

me too.

ja takođe.

And so I'll leave you with this thought.

Ostaviću vas sa ovom misli.

If we're going to find our way back to each other,

Ako hoćemo da se vratimo jedni drugima,

vulnerability is going to be that path.

ranjivost je put kojim treba ići.

And I know it's seductive to stand outside the arena,

I znam da je primamljivo ostati ispred arene,

because I think I did it my whole life,

mislim da sam to radila celog života,

and think to myself,

i pomisliti u sebi:

I'm going to go in there and kick some ass

"Ući ću tamo i rasturiću

when I'm bulletproof and when I'm perfect.

kada budem otporna na udarce i kad budem savršena".

And that is seductive.

A to je primamljivo.

But the truth is, that never happens.

Ali istina je da se to nikada ne događa

And even if you got as perfect as you could

I čak i kada ste najsavršeniji što možete,

and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster

i najotporniji što možete,

when you got in there,

kad uđete,

that's not what we want to see.

to nije to što želimo da vidimo.

We want you to go in.

Mi želimo da uđete.

We want to be with you and across from you.

Mi želimo da budemo sa vama i naspram vas.

And we just want,

Mi samo želimo,

for ourselves and the people we care about

za sebe i ljude do kojih nam je stalo,

and the people we work with,

i za ljude sa kojim radimo,

to dare greatly.

da imaju mnogo smelosti.

So thank you all very much. I really appreciate it.

Mnogo hvala svima. Zaista sam vam zahvalna.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)