Listening to shame | Brené Brown | TED

翻译人员: Bruce Han 校对人员: Stephanie Zhou

我要跟大家讲一点

I'm going to tell you a little bit about my TEDxHouston Talk.

关于我的TEDx休斯敦演讲的事

I woke up the morning after I gave that talk

在演讲之后的那个早上

with the worst vulnerability hangover of my life.

是我这辈子经历过最糟糕

最脆弱的宿醉

And I actually didn't leave my house for about three days.

而且我有三天都

足不出户

第一次出门是去见个朋友一起吃午饭

The first time I left was to meet a friend for lunch.

And when I walked in, she was already at the table.

当我进去的时候，她已经在餐桌上了

然后我坐下，然后她说：

I sat down, and she said, "God, you look like hell."

“天啊，你看起来真颓”

I said, "Thanks. I feel really --

我说：“谢谢啊，我觉得 --

我都不能正常思考了。”

I'm not functioning."

And she said, "What's going on?"

然后她说：“什么情况？”

And I said, "I just told 500 people

然后我说：“我刚刚告诉了

500个人，

that I became a researcher to avoid vulnerability.

说我成为了一个

避免脆弱的研究者。

And that when being vulnerable emerged from my data,

而当我的数据表明

保持脆弱

是全心投入生活

as absolutely essential to whole-hearted living,

所不可或缺的基础时

I told these 500 people that I had a breakdown.

我告诉这500个人

我崩溃了

I had a slide that said 'Breakdown.'

我放了张幻灯片写着崩溃

At what point did I think that was a good idea?"

我是搭了哪根弦会觉得这是个好点子呢？”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And she said, "I saw your talk live-streamed.

然后她说：“我看了你演讲的现场视频了

It was not really you.

那不太像你

It was a little different than what you usually do.

跟你平常有点不一样

不过真的很棒”

But it was great."

And I said,

然后我说：

"This can't happen.

我得阻止这个

YouTube, they're putting this thing on YouTube.

上YouTube，他们要把这个放到YouTube上去♫

And we're going to be talking about 600, 700 people."

那就是600人、700人的事了

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And she said, "Well, I think it's too late."

然后她说：“这样啊，我看来不及了”

And I said, "Let me ask you something."

于是我说：“问你一下”

她说：“好”

And she said, "Yeah."

I said, "Do you remember when we were in college,

然后我说：“你还记得在大学时代

really wild and kind of dumb?"

特别疯特别傻的那时候吗？“

然后她说：“记得呀”

She said, "Yeah."

I said, "Remember when we'd leave a really bad message

于是我说：“还记得我们有时候

on our ex-boyfriend's answering machine?

给前男友的答录机留了一段特别糟的话，

然后我们不得不撬开他宿舍的门，

Then we'd have to break into his dorm room and then erase the tape?"

然后把那段话抹掉的事吗？”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

然后她说：“呃。。。不记得”

And she goes, "Uh... no."

(Laughter)

（笑声）

所以当然了，我也只能说，

Of course, the only thing I could say at that point was,

"Yeah, me neither.

“哦，我也没有过

那什么...我也没有”

Yeah -- me neither."

And I'm thinking to myself,

然后我对自己说：

“布琳，你在干什么？ 你在干吗呢？

"Brené, what are you doing?

Why did you bring this up?

你怎么会提这个？ 你昏了头了吗？

Have you lost your mind?

Your sisters would be perfect for this."

你的姐妹这方面是很完美的。”

(Laughter)

So I looked back up and she said,

看我回过神来于是她说：

"Are you really going to try to break in and steal the video

“你不会是真的想撬门进去

在他们上传到YouTube之前

before they put it on YouTube?"

把视频偷出来吧？”

(Laughter)

And I said, "I'm just thinking about it a little bit."

我说：“我就是想了一小下”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

She said, "You're like the worst vulnerability role model ever."

她说：“你就是史上最糟糕的脆弱者的榜样”

（笑声）

(Laughter)

Then I looked at her and I said something

然后我看着她说了一些

that at the time felt a little dramatic,

当时看有点戏剧性，

but ended up being more prophetic than dramatic.

现在看更像是预言的话。

我说：

"If 500 turns into 1,000

如果500变成1000

or 2,000,

或者2000，

my life is over."

我就死定了

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I had no contingency plan for four million.

我压根就没想过四百万点击率是什么情况

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And my life did end when that happened.

于是我的生活真的完了

And maybe the hardest part about my life ending

而或许其中最困难的

is that I learned something hard about myself,

就是我发现了自身纠结的那一部分，

and that was that,

那就是：

as much as I would be frustrated

一方面我会因为

about not being able to get my work out to the world,

无法把我的工作成果展现给公众而失落

there was a part of me that was working very hard

而另一方面我又非常努力的

to engineer staying small,

做到不引人注目，

staying right under the radar.

隐藏在公众的视线之下。

But I want to talk about what I've learned.

但是我想讲一下我所学到的。

There's two things that I've learned in the last year.

在过去的一年我学到两件事，

The first is:

第一件事，

vulnerability is not weakness.

脆弱不是弱点。

And that myth is profoundly dangerous.

并且这种错误理解

是非常危险的。

我想诚恳的请问大家 --

Let me ask you honestly --

先给个提醒，

and I'll give you this warning,

I'm trained as a therapist,

作为一个受过专业训练的治疗师，

so I can out-wait you uncomfortably --

我知道你们会感觉不太自在 --

so if you could just raise your hand that would be awesome --

所以你们只要举手就很好了 --

how many of you honestly,

坦诚地讲有多少人，

when you're thinking about doing or saying something vulnerable

当你们想到做一些脆弱的事

或说一些脆弱的话的时候，

think, "God, vulnerability is weakness."

会觉得：“天啊，脆弱就是软弱，这就是软弱” ？

How many of you think of vulnerability and weakness synonymously?

有多少人认为脆弱和软弱是一回事？

大部分人

The majority of people.

现在我们这样来问：

Now let me ask you this question:

This past week at TED,

在TED刚过去的这周，

how many of you, when you saw vulnerability up here,

有多少人，当你们看到（我在这儿讲）脆弱的时候，

thought it was pure courage?

认为那是纯粹的勇气？

Vulnerability is not weakness.

脆弱不是软弱。

I define vulnerability as emotional risk,

我把脆弱定义为：

情感的风险、

exposure, uncertainty.

流露，以及不确定性。

It fuels our daily lives.

它驱动我们的日常生活。

And I've come to the belief --

并且我已经达成了这样一种信念 --

this is my 12th year doing this research --

我已经研究这个课题12年了 --

that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage --

那就是，脆弱

是对我们的勇气

最精确的衡量 --

to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen,

保留脆弱，开放自我，

to be honest.

保持真诚。

One of the weird things that's happened is, after the TED explosion,

有个奇怪的事就是

在TED这个演讲轰动之后，

I got a lot of offers to speak all over the country --

我收到全国各地的很多邀请 --

everyone from schools and parent meetings

从学校家长会

to Fortune 500 companies.

到世界500强的公司。

And so many of the calls went like this,

很多电话都是这样的：

"Dr. Brown, we loved your TED talk.

“嗨，布朗博士，我们喜欢您的TED演讲。

We'd like you to come in and speak.

我们想邀请您来讲一讲。

We'd appreciate it

但有一件事

if you wouldn't mention vulnerability or shame."

希望您不要提到脆弱或者羞耻。“

(Laughter)

（笑声）

What would you like for me to talk about?

那你们想让我讲什么？

有三个主要的答案。

There's three big answers.

This is mostly, to be honest with you, from the business sector:

这些老实讲，主要是来自商业领域的

innovation, creativity and change.

革新，创造

以及改变。

(Laughter)

So let me go on the record and say,

那么就让我在这里

当众声明：

vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.

脆弱是革新、

创造以及改变的发源地。

(Applause)

（掌声）

To create is to make something that has never existed before.

创造就是要制造出

前所未有的东西。

There's nothing more vulnerable than that.

没有什么比这个更脆弱的了。

Adaptability to change is all about vulnerability.

适应改变的能力

全都和脆弱有关。

第二件事，

The second thing,

in addition to really finally understanding

在彻底的理解脆弱和勇气

the relationship between vulnerability and courage,

之间的关系之外，

the second thing I learned, is this:

我所学到的第二件事就是：

We have to talk about shame.

我们必须得谈论羞耻。

And I'm going to be really honest with you.

我将对大家非常坦诚。

When I became a "vulnerability researcher"

当我成为了一个“脆弱研究员”

and that became the focus because of the TED talk --

并且因为那个TED演讲而成为焦点之后 --

and I'm not kidding.

我不是在开玩笑

I'll give you an example.

我给大家讲个例子。

About three months ago, I was in a sporting goods store

大概3个月前，当我在一家体育用品店

买泳镜啊护腿啊这些

buying goggles and shin guards

and all the things that parents buy at the sporting goods store.

父母买给孩子的东西的时候，

从大概100英尺远，我听到一个声音：

About from a hundred feet away, this is what I hear:

"Vulnerability TED! Vulnerability TED!"

“脆弱TED！脆弱TED！”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

(Laughter ends)

I'm a fifth-generation Texan.

我是第五代的德州人

Our family motto is "Lock and load."

我们的家族格言是：“子弹上膛，准备战斗”

I am not a natural vulnerability researcher.

我不是天生来研究脆弱的

So I'm like,

所以我差不多就这样，

just keep walking, she's on my six.

就一直走，她在我6点钟方向。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And then I hear, "Vulnerability TED!"

然后我听到：“脆弱TED！”

I turn around, I go, "Hi."

我转过身，说：“嗨”

She's right here and she said,

她就在这儿，然后她说：

"You're the shame researcher who had the breakdown."

“你就是那个崩溃了的羞耻的研究员”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

At this point, parents are, like, pulling their children close.

这时侯

父母们都拉紧他们的孩子

(Laughter)

"Look away."

“看别处”

And I'm so worn out at this point in my life,

这一刻我简直太无语了，

I look at her and I actually say,

我看着她脱口而出的是：

"It was a fricking spiritual awakening."

“我靠，那是一次灵魂的觉醒。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

(Applause)

（掌声）

And she looks back and does this,

然后她看着我就这样，

“了解”

"I know."

(Laughter)

然后她说：

And she said,

“我们在读书俱乐部看了你的TED演讲。

"We watched your TED talk in my book club.

然后读了你的书

Then we read your book and we renamed ourselves

之后我们就给自己改名字叫

'The Breakdown Babes.'"

”崩溃辣妹“

(Laughter)

And she said, "Our tagline is:

然后她说：“我们的标语是：

'We're falling apart and it feels fantastic.'"

‘我们正在分崩离析而且这感觉棒极了'"

(Laughter)

（笑声）

You can only imagine what it's like for me in a faculty meeting.

你们就能想象

我在教师会上是个什么情形了

(Sighs)

So when I became Vulnerability TED,

所以当我成了 脆弱TED

像个玩具公仔

like an action figure --

Like Ninja Barbie, but I'm Vulnerability TED --

比如忍者芭比，只不过我叫 脆弱TED

I thought, I'm going to leave that shame stuff behind,

我想，我该把羞耻感研究放一放了

because I spent six years studying shame

因为在正式开始谈和写作关于脆弱之前

before I started writing and talking about vulnerability.

我花了6年的时间来研究羞耻感

And I thought, thank God, because shame is this horrible topic,

我当时想，谢天谢地，因为羞耻是个这么可怕的话题

no one wants to talk about it.

没人想谈论它

It's the best way to shut people down on an airplane.

它是让飞机上搭讪的人闭嘴的最好方法

"What do you do?" "I study shame." "Oh."

“您是做什么的？” “我学习羞耻” “哦”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And I see you.

而且我看透你

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But in surviving this last year,

但是在过去一年的挣扎中

我被一个基本守则所提醒着 --

I was reminded of a cardinal rule --

not a research rule,

不是做研究的守则

but a moral imperative from my upbringing --

而是基于我所受教育的

一种道义上的驱使 --

"you've got to dance with the one who brung ya".

你只能打好手里已经有的牌

And I did not learn about vulnerability

我并没有通过研究脆弱而学习到

and courage and creativity and innovation

勇气、创造、革新

from studying vulnerability.

以及脆弱。

I learned about these things from studying shame.

我是通过研究羞耻

而学到这些。

And so I want to walk you in to shame.

因此我想带大家

走进羞耻感。

Jungian analysts call shame the swampland of the soul.

荣格(心理学家)学派把羞耻称作是

灵魂的沼泽地

And we're going to walk in.

而我们就即将踏入。

And the purpose is not to walk in

目的并不是走进去

and construct a home and live there.

造个房子住下来。

而是穿上胶鞋

It is to put on some galoshes --

and walk through and find our way around.

穿过去并找出可以走的路。

这是因为

Here's why.

We heard the most compelling call ever to have a conversation in this country,

我们已经听到最迫切的呼吁

要在这个国家进行一场对话

and I think globally, around race, right?

而且我想全世界都是这样，

一场围绕种族问题的对话，是吧？

对吗？我们听到了

Yes? We heard that.

Yes?

对吗？

Cannot have that conversation without shame.

不谈羞耻就不会有这场对话

Because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege.

因为谈种族不可能不谈到特权

而当人们谈到特权的时候，

And when people start talking about privilege,

they get paralyzed by shame.

他们就被羞耻感所淹没了

We heard a brilliant simple solution to not killing people in surgery,

我们听说了一个简单有效的方法

来降低手术中病人的死亡率，

which is, have a checklist.

就是准备一个事项清单。

不解决羞耻感就不会有这个方案，

You can't fix that problem without addressing shame,

因为当他们教那些人（医生）如何缝合的时候，

because when they teach those folks how to suture,

they also teach them how to stitch their self-worth

他们也同时教会那些人如何编织自己的自尊

to being all-powerful.

直到认为自己是全能的。

And all-powerful folks don't need checklists.

而全能的人是不需要事项清单的。

And I had to write down the name of this TED Fellow

这里我不得不把这位TED同伴的名字写下来

so I didn't mess it up here.

以防止弄错

梅什金·英格瓦莱

Myshkin Ingawale,

希望我拼对了

I hope I did right by you.

(Applause)

（掌声）

I saw the TED Fellows my first day here.

在这儿的第一天我见到TED的同伴们。

And he got up and he explained how he was driven to create

他站起来解释

是什么驱使他创造某种

some technology to help test for anemia,

帮助检测贫血的技术

because people were dying unnecessarily.

以防止病人没必要的死亡

他说：“我看到了这个需要，

And he said, "I saw this need.

So you know what I did? I made it."

你猜怎么？我做了一个”

And everybody just burst into applause, and they were like "Yes!"

于是全场爆发出掌声，“真棒！”

然后他继续说：“但是它不管用”

And he said, "And it didn't work.

(Laughter)

然后我又试了32次，

And then I made it 32 more times,

and then it worked."

然后它成了。“

You know what the big secret about TED is?

你知道TED最大的秘密是什么吗？

我等不及想告诉大家

I can't wait to tell people this.

I guess I'm doing it right now.

我现在就在说吧

(Laughter)

（笑声）

This is like the failure conference.

这就像是一个失败者的会议。

(Laughter)

不，它就是。

No, it is.

(Applause)

（掌声）

You know why this place is amazing?

为什么这地方很神奇？

Because very few people here are afraid to fail.

因为这里几乎没有人

是害怕失败的。

而站在这个舞台上的还没有人，据我所知，是未曾失败过的。

And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I've seen, has not failed.

I've failed miserably, many times.

我曾经败的很惨，很多次。

I don't think the world understands that,

我觉得大部分人不明白这个道理

because of shame.

出于羞耻感。

There's a great quote that saved me this past year

去年有这么一段话对我帮助很大

来自西奥多·罗斯福

by Theodore Roosevelt.

A lot of people refer to it as the "Man in the Arena" quote.

很多人把它引用为“竞技场里的男人”。

And it goes like this:

它是这样的：

"It is not the critic who counts.

“荣誉不属于那些批评家。

It is not the man who sits and points out

也不是那些坐在一旁

how the doer of deeds could have done things better

对真正的做事者指指点点

and how he falls and stumbles.

品头论足的人。

The credit goes to the man in the arena

荣誉归于竞技场里的男人

他的面容

whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat.

被尘土、鲜血和汗水所模糊。

But when he's in the arena,

但当他站在竞技场内，

至好他能获胜，

at best, he wins,

至差他会失败。

and at worst, he loses,

but when he fails, when he loses,

但是当他失败时，当他输掉时，

he does so daring greatly."

他失败得如此的无所畏惧。”

这就是它带给我的意义

And that's what this conference, to me, is about.

Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena.

关于生命的意义，关于无所畏惧，

关于站到竞技场上。

When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door,

当你走上竞技场把手放到门上，

and you think, "I'm going in and I'm going to try this,"

你想：“我要进去，我要做这件事”

羞耻就是一个小精灵

shame is the gremlin

who says, "Uh, uh.

在你耳边说：“啊哦，

You're not good enough.

你不够好。

You never finished that MBA. Your wife left you.

你从没拿到MBA学位。你妻子离开你了。

I know your dad really wasn't in Luxembourg,

我知道你爸爸不是在卢森堡

他是在新新 （纽约监狱）。

he was in Sing Sing.

I know those things that happened to you growing up.

我知道你从小到大的糗事。

I know you don't think

我知道你也清楚自己不够漂亮

that you're pretty, smart, talented or powerful enough.

或者不够聪明或者不够有才或者不够强壮。

I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO."

我知道即使你当上了CFO你爸爸也从来没在意过。“

Shame is that thing.

羞耻就是这样。

And if we can quiet it down and walk in

而如果我们能平静下来，走进去

and say, "I'm going to do this,"

对自己说：”我要做这件事“

we look up and the critic that we see pointing and laughing,

我们抬起头

看到那些指指点点嘲笑的人，

99 percent of the time is who?

99%的时候是谁？

Us.

是我们自己。

Shame drives two big tapes --

羞耻始终播放着这样两句话 --

"never good enough" --

“永远不够好”

and, if you can talk it out of that one,

然后，如果你能跨过这一层，

"who do you think you are?"

“你以为你是谁啊？”

The thing to understand about shame is, it's not guilt.

需要理解的是羞耻不是内疚。

羞耻专注于自身，内疚专注于行为。

Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior.

Shame is "I am bad."

羞耻是”我很糟“

Guilt is "I did something bad."

内疚是”我做了很糟的事“

How many of you,

在座的有多少人，

if you did something that was hurtful to me,

如果你们做了一些伤害我的事，

would be willing to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?"

会愿意说：“对不起，我犯了个错误”？

有多少人会愿意这么说？

How many of you would be willing to say that?

Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake.

内疚：对不起，我犯了个错误。

Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.

羞耻：对不起，我就是个错误。

There's a huge difference between shame and guilt.

羞耻和内疚之间有巨大的差别。

And here's what you need to know.

大家需要知道这些。

Shame is highly, highly correlated

羞耻是和下面这些行为高度相关的

with addiction, depression, violence, aggression,

吸毒，抑郁，暴力，侵略

bullying, suicide, eating disorders.

欺凌，自杀，饮食失调。

And here's what you even need to know more.

而更需要知道的是，

Guilt, inversely correlated with those things.

内疚，则是恰恰相反。

The ability to hold something we've done or failed to do

用我们已经做过或做错的事

来拷问理想的自己

up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive.

这种程度是可以非常灵活的。

It's uncomfortable, but it's adaptive.

它不舒服，但是是可以调节的。

The other thing you need to know about shame

关于羞耻还需要知道的另一件事

is it's absolutely organized by gender.

就是它是完全被性别所导向的

当羞耻感涌上我的心头和克里斯的心头，

If shame washes over me and washes over Chris,

那感觉都是一样的。

it's going to feel the same.

Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame.

这里每个人都知道那是一种什么滋味。

We're pretty sure that the only people who don't experience shame

我们可以很确定的说唯一不会感到羞耻的人

就是不能建立关系

are people who have no capacity for connection or empathy.

或者不能感同身受的人。

意思就是，是，我有一点羞耻；

Which means, yes, I have a little shame;

不，我只是不爱交际。

no, I'm a sociopath.

So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame.

那么我就会认为，是，你有一点羞耻感。

Shame feels the same for men and women,

羞耻的感受对于男人和女人都是一样的，

but it's organized by gender.

但却根据性别有不同的处理方式。

对于女人，

For women,

我能想到的最好的例子就是

the best example I can give you is Enjoli, the commercial.

恩乔丽 （香水品牌）

那个广告

"I can put the wash on the line, pack the lunches, hand out the kisses

我可以打着电话把衣服洗完，

打包午餐，亲吻孩子的脸

and be at work at five to nine.

工作从5点到9点

我可以带回家培根，把它放到火上煎

I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan

and never let you forget you're a man."

永远不让你忘了做男人的尊严。“

For women, shame is, do it all,

对女人，羞耻就是事无巨细，

do it perfectly

尽善尽美

and never let them see you sweat.

而且从来不让别人看到你流汗。

I don't know how much perfume that commercial sold,

我不知道这广告卖了多少香水，

but I guarantee you,

但我保证，

it moved a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.

它省了不少抗抑郁药和抗焦虑药。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Shame, for women, is this web

羞耻，对于女人，是一张网

of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations

是一张由难以实现的、冲突的、抵触的期望所织成的

关于理想的自己的网。

about who we're supposed to be.

And it's a straight-jacket.

是一件紧身衣。

For men,

对于男人，

shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations.

羞耻并不是一系列彼此冲突的期望。

Shame is one,

羞耻是一样东西，

do not be perceived as what?

不要被认为什么？

Weak.

弱。

I did not interview men for the first four years of my study.

我研究的开始4年中没采访过男人

It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said,

直到有一天在图书签售会后，一个男人看着我说：

”我欣赏你关于羞耻感的观点，

"I love what say about shame,

我很好奇为什么你没提到男人。”

I'm curious why you didn't mention men."

我说：“我不研究男人”

And I said, "I don't study men."

And he said, "That's convenient."

然后他说：“这倒真是省事啊”

（笑声）

(Laughter)

我说：“为什么这么说？”

And I said, "Why?"

And he said, "Because you say to reach out,

他说：“因为你说要走出去，

tell our story,

讲自己的经历，

be vulnerable.

不掩饰脆弱。

But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?"

但是你看到这些你刚刚

给我妻子和三个孩子签名的书了吗？“

我说：”嗯“

I said, "Yeah."

”她们现在宁愿看着我骑着白马英勇的死掉

"They'd rather me die on top of my white horse

than watch me fall down.

也不愿看到我掉下来。

当我们走出去展现脆弱的时候

When we reach out and be vulnerable,

we get the shit beat out of us.

我们会被乱拳打死的。

而且别跟我说

And don't tell me

it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads.

这是教练啊老爹啊这些男人这么做的，

因为我生命中的女人们才是对我最残忍的。”

Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."

于是我开始采访男人

So I started interviewing men and asking questions.

向他们提问。

And what I learned is this:

而我所学到的就是：

You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man

如果你能给我找到这样一个女人，她确实能陪在一个

in real vulnerability and fear,

被脆弱和恐惧所淹没的男人旁边，

那么我就能给你找出能完成不可思议工作的女人。

I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work.

You show me a man who can sit with a woman

你如果能给我找到这样一个男人，他可以陪在一个

who's just had it,

已经快到底线，

she can't do it all anymore,

再也无法承受的女人旁边，

而且他的第一反应并不是：

and his first response is not,

”我把碗都洗好啦“ （意指只会机械的做家务而不懂沟通）

"I unloaded the dishwasher!"

(Laughter)

而是他能真切的聆听 --

But he really listens --

because that's all we need --

因为那就是我们所需要的 --

I'll show you a guy who's done a lot of work.

那我就能给你找到真正能干的男人。

羞耻感是我们文化中的一种流行病，

Shame is an epidemic in our culture.

And to get out from underneath it --

为了脱离这个困境，

to find our way back to each other,

找到重归彼此的路，

we have to understand how it affects us

我们必需要理解它是如何影响我们

and how it affects the way we're parenting,

以及它如何影响我们教育孩子的方式，

the way we're working, the way we're looking at each other.

工作的方式，看待彼此的方式。

Very quickly, some research by Mahalik at Boston College.

非常快的分享一些来自波士顿大学的马哈立克的研究成果

He asked, what do women need to do to conform to female norms?

他提出了一个问题：怎样做才算是个标准的女人？

The top answers in this country:

在这个国家排前几位的答案是：

nice, thin, modest

善良，苗条，端庄

and use all available resources for appearance.

并且运用一些资源来美化外表。

(Laughter)

当他问男人们，

When he asked about men,

what do men in this country need to do to conform with male norms,

这个国家的男人们需要怎么做

才算是个标准男人，

the answers were:

答案是：

always show emotional control,

永远喜怒不形于色，工作第一，

work is first,

追求地位以及暴力。

pursue status and violence.

如果我们想找到重归彼此的路，

If we're going to find our way back to each other,

we have to understand and know empathy,

我们必须知道并理解共鸣，

because empathy's the antidote to shame.

因为共鸣是羞耻的解药。

If you put shame in a Petri dish,

如果你把羞耻放入培养皿，

it needs three things to grow exponentially:

它需要三样东西来成倍繁殖：

secrecy, silence and judgment.

隐蔽、沉默，以及裁决

If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy,

如果你放同样量的羞耻到培养皿里并且浇上共鸣，

it can't survive.

它就不能存活。

The two most powerful words when we're in struggle:

在争执中最有力的三个字：

me too.

我也是。

And so I'll leave you with this thought.

所以我想把这些思考留给大家。

如果我们想找到

If we're going to find our way back to each other,

重归彼此的方法。

vulnerability is going to be that path.

脆弱将会是正确的路径。

And I know it's seductive to stand outside the arena,

我知道站在竞技场外面是很诱人的，

because I think I did it my whole life,

因为我想我一辈子都在这么做，

and think to myself,

并且对自己说，

I'm going to go in there and kick some ass

我要进去踢某人的屁股

when I'm bulletproof and when I'm perfect.

只要我已经刀枪不入并且完美无瑕。

这就是种诱惑。

And that is seductive.

But the truth is, that never happens.

不过真相是这永远不会发生。

And even if you got as perfect as you could

而且即使你已经尽可能的完美了

并且把自己尽可能的装备成刀枪不入

and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster

当你进去的时候，

when you got in there,

that's not what we want to see.

那并不是我们想看到的。

We want you to go in.

我们希望你进去。

We want to be with you and across from you.

我们想和你在一起和你面对面。

我们只是想要，

And we just want,

for ourselves and the people we care about

为我们自己和我们在意的人

以及和我们一起战斗的人，

and the people we work with,

无所畏惧的征战。

to dare greatly.

So thank you all very much. I really appreciate it.

非常感谢大家。真的很感激。

(Applause)

（掌声）