Listening to shame | Brené Brown | TED

Prevoditelj: Senzos Osijek Recezent: Katarina Smetko

Reći ću vam nešto

I'm going to tell you a little bit about my TEDxHouston Talk.

o svom govoru na TEDxHoustonu.

I woke up the morning after I gave that talk

Probudila sam se jutro nakon tog govora

with the worst vulnerability hangover of my life.

s najgorim mamurlukom ranjivosti

u životu.

And I actually didn't leave my house for about three days.

I doslovno nisam izišla iz kuće

tri dana.

Prvi put kad sam izišla, bilo je to kako bih se našla s prijateljicom na ručku.

The first time I left was to meet a friend for lunch.

And when I walked in, she was already at the table.

Kad sam ušla, već je bila za stolom.

Sjela sam, a ona je rekla:

I sat down, and she said, "God, you look like hell."

„Bože, grozno izgledaš.“

I said, "Thanks. I feel really --

Rekla sam: „Hvala. Osjećam se zaista –

Ne funkcioniram.“

I'm not functioning."

And she said, "What's going on?"

A ona je rekla: „Što se događa?“

And I said, "I just told 500 people

Odgovorila sam: „Upravo sam

pred 500 ljudi rekla

that I became a researcher to avoid vulnerability.

da sam postala istraživač

kako bih izbjegla ranjivost.

And that when being vulnerable emerged from my data,

A onda, kad su istraživanja

pokazala da je ranjivost

neophodna

as absolutely essential to whole-hearted living,

da bi se živjelo punim plućima,

I told these 500 people that I had a breakdown.

rekla sam pred tih 500 ljudi

da sam doživjela slom.

I had a slide that said 'Breakdown.'

Imala sam slajd na kojem je pisalo Slom.

At what point did I think that was a good idea?"

Kako sam uopće pomislila da je to dobra ideja?“

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And she said, "I saw your talk live-streamed.

Ona je rekla: „Vidjela sam tvoj govor uživo preko interneta.

It was not really you.

To nisi stvarno bila ti.

It was a little different than what you usually do.

Bilo je pomalo drugačije od onog što inače radiš.

Ali bilo je odlično.“

But it was great."

And I said,

A ja sam rekla:

"This can't happen.

„To se ne može dogoditi.

YouTube, they're putting this thing on YouTube.

Oni će to staviti na YouTube

And we're going to be talking about 600, 700 people."

i onda će to vidjeti možda 600, 700 ljudi.“

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And she said, "Well, I think it's too late."

Rekla je: „Pa, mislim da je prekasno.“

And I said, "Let me ask you something."

Ja sam rekla: „Da te pitam nešto.“

Rekla je: „Da?“

And she said, "Yeah."

I said, "Do you remember when we were in college,

A ja sam rekla: „Sjećaš se kad smo bile na fakultetu

really wild and kind of dumb?"

i kad smo bile stvarno divlje i nekako glupe?“

Rekla je: „Da.“

She said, "Yeah."

I said, "Remember when we'd leave a really bad message

A ja sam rekla: „Sjećaš se kako smo znale ostaviti stvarno groznu poruku

on our ex-boyfriend's answering machine?

na sekretarici bivšeg dečka?

Onda smo morale provaliti u njegovu sobu u domu

Then we'd have to break into his dorm room and then erase the tape?"

i izbrisati to sa sekretarice?“

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

A kaže ona: „Ovaj...ne.“

And she goes, "Uh... no."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Naravno, jedino što sam se u tom trenu sjetila reći bilo je:

Of course, the only thing I could say at that point was,

"Yeah, me neither.

„Da, ni ja.

Ovaj... ni ja.“

Yeah -- me neither."

And I'm thinking to myself,

I mislim si u sebi,

„Brene, što radiš? Što to radiš?

"Brené, what are you doing?

Why did you bring this up?

Zašto si to spomenula? Jesi li poludjela?

Have you lost your mind?

Your sisters would be perfect for this."

Tvoje bi sestre bile odlične za ovo.“

(Laughter)

So I looked back up and she said,

Pogledala sam je, a ona je rekla:

"Are you really going to try to break in and steal the video

„Zar ćeš zbilja pokušati provaliti

i ukrasti snimku

before they put it on YouTube?"

prije no što je stave na YouTube?“

(Laughter)

And I said, "I'm just thinking about it a little bit."

Rekla sam: „Samo malo razmišljam o tome.“

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

She said, "You're like the worst vulnerability role model ever."

Rekla je: „Ti si nagori uzor za ranjivost na svijetu.“

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

Then I looked at her and I said something

A onda sam je pogledala i rekla nešto

that at the time felt a little dramatic,

što je u tom trenu izgledalo pomalo dramatično,

but ended up being more prophetic than dramatic.

ali je na kraju bilo više proročanski nego dramatično.

Rekla sam:

"If 500 turns into 1,000

„Ako se 500 pretvori u 1000

or 2,000,

ili 2000,

my life is over."

moj je život gotov.“

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I had no contingency plan for four million.

Nisam imala plan za nepredviđenu situaciju od četiri milijuna pogleda.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And my life did end when that happened.

I moj je život zaista bio gotov kad se to dogodilo.

And maybe the hardest part about my life ending

Možda je najteži dio vezan za završetak mog života

is that I learned something hard about myself,

to što sam naučila nešto teško o sebi,

and that was that,

a to je da

as much as I would be frustrated

ma koliko frustrirana bila

about not being able to get my work out to the world,

zato što ne mogu svoj rad pokazati svijetu,

there was a part of me that was working very hard

postojao je dio mene koji je veoma naporno radio

to engineer staying small,

kako bih ostala malena,

staying right under the radar.

kako bih ostala ispod radara.

But I want to talk about what I've learned.

Ali želim govoriti o tome što sam naučila.

There's two things that I've learned in the last year.

Dvije sam stvari naučila unazad godinu dana.

The first is:

Prva je

vulnerability is not weakness.

da ranjivost nije slabost.

And that myth is profoundly dangerous.

A taj je mit

veoma opasan.

Da vas pitam iskreno –

Let me ask you honestly --

i dat ću vam ovo upozorenje:

and I'll give you this warning,

I'm trained as a therapist,

školovala sam se za terapeuta

so I can out-wait you uncomfortably --

pa mogu neugodno čekati koliko god treba –

so if you could just raise your hand that would be awesome --

dakle, ako biste mogli samo podići ruku, to bi bilo sjajno –

how many of you honestly,

koliko vas, iskreno,

when you're thinking about doing or saying something vulnerable

kad razmišljate o tome da učinite nešto ranjivo

ili kažete nešto ranjivo

think, "God, vulnerability is weakness."

pomisli: „Bože, ranjivost je slabost. Ovo je slabost.“

How many of you think of vulnerability and weakness synonymously?

Koliko vas misli da su ranjivost i slabost ista stvar?

Većina ljudi.

The majority of people.

A da vas sad pitam ovo pitanje:

Now let me ask you this question:

This past week at TED,

Proteklog tjedna na TED-u,

how many of you, when you saw vulnerability up here,

koliko vas je, kad ste ovdje vidjeli ranjivost,

thought it was pure courage?

pomislilo da je to čista hrabrost?

Vulnerability is not weakness.

Ranjivost nije slabost.

I define vulnerability as emotional risk,

Ja definiram ranjivost

kao emocionalni rizik,

exposure, uncertainty.

izloženost, nesigurnost.

It fuels our daily lives.

To pokreće naš svakodnevni život.

And I've come to the belief --

Došla sam do uvjerenja –

this is my 12th year doing this research --

ovo je 12. godina kako se bavim ovim istraživanjem –

that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage --

da je ranjivost

naše najtočnije mjerilo

hrabrosti –

to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen,

biti ranjivi, dopustiti da budemo viđeni,

to be honest.

biti iskreni.

One of the weird things that's happened is, after the TED explosion,

Jedna od čudnih stvari koje su se dogodile

nakon eksplozije na TED-u,

I got a lot of offers to speak all over the country --

jest da sam dobila mnogo ponuda da govorim širom zemlje –

everyone from schools and parent meetings

od škola i roditeljskih sastanaka,

to Fortune 500 companies.

do najvećih američkih tvrtki.

And so many of the calls went like this,

Mnogi pozivi izgledali su ovako:

"Dr. Brown, we loved your TED talk.

„Hej, dr. Brown. Svidio nam se vaš TEDTalk.

We'd like you to come in and speak.

Voljeli bismo da dođete i govorite.

We'd appreciate it

Voljeli bismo

if you wouldn't mention vulnerability or shame."

da ne spominjete ranjivost ili sram.“

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

What would you like for me to talk about?

O čemu biste vi htjeli da govorim?

Postoje tri velika odgovora.

There's three big answers.

This is mostly, to be honest with you, from the business sector:

Ovi su uglavnom, da vam budem iskrena, iz poslovnog sektora:

innovation, creativity and change.

inovacije, kreativnost

i promjena.

(Laughter)

So let me go on the record and say,

Dopustite mi

da vam službeno kažem

vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.

da je ranjivost rodno mjesto

inovacija, kreativnosti i promjene.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

To create is to make something that has never existed before.

Stvarati znači napraviti nešto

što nikada prije nije postojalo.

There's nothing more vulnerable than that.

Ne postoji ništa ranjivije od toga.

Adaptability to change is all about vulnerability.

Prilagodljivost promjeni

vezana je uz ranjivost.

Druga stvar,

The second thing,

in addition to really finally understanding

osim što napokon zaista razumijem

the relationship between vulnerability and courage,

odnos između ranjivosti i hrabrosti,

the second thing I learned, is this:

druga stvar koju sam naučila jest ovo:

We have to talk about shame.

Moramo govoriti o sramu.

And I'm going to be really honest with you.

Bit ću vrlo iskrena s vama.

When I became a "vulnerability researcher"

Kada sam postala „istraživač ranjivosti“

and that became the focus because of the TED talk --

i na to su se ljudi usredotočili zbog TEDTalka --

and I'm not kidding.

ne šalim se.

I'll give you an example.

Dat ću vam primjer.

About three months ago, I was in a sporting goods store

Prije otprilike tri mjeseca, bila sam u trgovini sa sportskom opremom

i kupovala zaštitne naočale i štitnike

buying goggles and shin guards

and all the things that parents buy at the sporting goods store.

i sve ostale stvari koje roditelji kupuju u trgovini sa sportskom opremom.

Na 30-ak metara od sebe, čula sam ovo:

About from a hundred feet away, this is what I hear:

"Vulnerability TED! Vulnerability TED!"

„Ranjivost s TED-a! Ranjivost s TED-a!“

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

(Laughter ends)

I'm a fifth-generation Texan.

Ja sam peta generacija Teksašana.

Our family motto is "Lock and load."

Naš je obiteljski moto „Napuni i napni pušku.“

I am not a natural vulnerability researcher.

Istraživanje ranjivosti nije mi došlo prirodno.

So I'm like,

Odlučila sam samo

just keep walking, she's on my six.

hodati dalje, a ona je bila negdje iza mene.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And then I hear, "Vulnerability TED!"

I onda čujem: „Ranjivost s TED-a!“

I turn around, I go, "Hi."

Okrenem se i kažem: „Bok.“

She's right here and she said,

Ona stoji točno ispred mene i kaže:

"You're the shame researcher who had the breakdown."

„Ti si istraživačica srama koja je imala slom.“

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

At this point, parents are, like, pulling their children close.

U tom trenutku

roditelji privlače svoju djecu k sebi.

(Laughter)

"Look away."

„Ne gledaj.“

And I'm so worn out at this point in my life,

U tome sam trenutku svog života bila toliko iscrpljena

I look at her and I actually say,

da sam je pogledala i rekla:

"It was a fricking spiritual awakening."

„Bilo je to prokleto duhovno buđenje!“

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

And she looks back and does this,

A ona me pogleda i napravi ovo:

„Znam“.

"I know."

(Laughter)

I kaže:

And she said,

„Gledali smo tvoj TEDTalk u književnom klubu.

"We watched your TED talk in my book club.

Nakon toga smo pročitali tvoju knjigu

Then we read your book and we renamed ourselves

i promijenili ime u

'The Breakdown Babes.'"

'Slomljeni komadi'.“

(Laughter)

And she said, "Our tagline is:

I rekla je: „Naš moto je:

'We're falling apart and it feels fantastic.'"

'Raspadamo se, ali osjećaj je fantastičan.'“

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

You can only imagine what it's like for me in a faculty meeting.

Možete samo zamisliti

kako mi je na sastancima nastavničkog osoblja.

(Sighs)

So when I became Vulnerability TED,

Kad sam postala Ranjivost s TED-a,

poput figurice akcijskog junaka –

like an action figure --

Like Ninja Barbie, but I'm Vulnerability TED --

poput Ninja Barbike, samo što sam ja Ranjivost s TED-a –

I thought, I'm going to leave that shame stuff behind,

pomislila sam, ostavit ću to sve sa sramom iza sebe

because I spent six years studying shame

jer sam provela šest godina proučavajući sram

before I started writing and talking about vulnerability.

prije no što sam stvarno počela pisati i govoriti o ranjivosti.

And I thought, thank God, because shame is this horrible topic,

I pomislila sam, hvala Bogu, jer sram je grozna tema

no one wants to talk about it.

o kojoj nitko ne želi govoriti.

It's the best way to shut people down on an airplane.

Tako ćete najlakše odbiti ljude u zrakoplovu.

"What do you do?" "I study shame." "Oh."

„Čime se bavite?“ „Proučavam sram.“ „Aha.“

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And I see you.

I vidim vas.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

But in surviving this last year,

Ali preživljavajući prošlu godinu,

nešto me podsjetilo na glavno pravilo –

I was reminded of a cardinal rule --

not a research rule,

ne istraživačko pravilo,

but a moral imperative from my upbringing --

već moralni imperativ

iz mog odgoja –

"you've got to dance with the one who brung ya".

drž' se onoga u čemu si dobar.

And I did not learn about vulnerability

A ja nisam ništa naučila o ranjivosti,

and courage and creativity and innovation

hrabrosti, kreativnosti i inovacijama

from studying vulnerability.

proučavajući ranjivost.

I learned about these things from studying shame.

Naučila sam nešto o tim stvarima

proučavajući sram.

And so I want to walk you in to shame.

Stoga vas želim upoznati

sa sramom.

Jungian analysts call shame the swampland of the soul.

Jungovski analitičari zovu sram

močvarom duše.

And we're going to walk in.

A mi ćemo ušetati unutra.

And the purpose is not to walk in

Svrha toga nije ušetati

and construct a home and live there.

i ondje stvoriti dom i živjeti.

Svrha je da obujemo gumene čizme,

It is to put on some galoshes --

and walk through and find our way around.

prođemo močvaru i snađemo se.

Evo zašto.

Here's why.

We heard the most compelling call ever to have a conversation in this country,

Čuli smo najsnažniji poziv za razgovorom

u ovoj zemlji,

and I think globally, around race, right?

a mislim i na cijelom svijetu,

o pitanjima rase, zar ne?

Da? Čuli smo to.

Yes? We heard that.

Yes?

Da?

Cannot have that conversation without shame.

Taj razgovor ne možete imati bez srama

Because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege.

jer ne možete govoriti o rasi, a da ne govorite o privilegijama.

A kad ljudi krenu govoriti o privilegijama,

And when people start talking about privilege,

they get paralyzed by shame.

paralizira ih sram.

We heard a brilliant simple solution to not killing people in surgery,

Čuli smo odlično jednostavno rješenje

kako ne ubiti ljude tijekom operacija,

which is, have a checklist.

a to je: imajte popis.

Ne možete riješiti problem, a da ne spomenete sram

You can't fix that problem without addressing shame,

jer kad oni te ljude uče kako šivati ranu,

because when they teach those folks how to suture,

they also teach them how to stitch their self-worth

istovremeno ih uče i kako samopoštovanje povezati

to being all-powerful.

sa svemoćnošću.

And all-powerful folks don't need checklists.

A svemoćni ljudi ne trebaju popise.

And I had to write down the name of this TED Fellow

Morala sam zapisati ime ovog TEDFellowa

so I didn't mess it up here.

kako ne bih nešto zabrljala.

Myshkin Ingawale,

Myshkin Ingawale,

nadam se da sam dobro izgovorila.

I hope I did right by you.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

I saw the TED Fellows my first day here.

Vidjela sam tog TEDFellowa prvog dana ovdje.

And he got up and he explained how he was driven to create

Ustao je i objasnio

što ga je potaknulo da stvori

some technology to help test for anemia,

tehnologiju za testiranje na anemiju

because people were dying unnecessarily.

jer su ljudi bespotrebno umirali.

I rekao je: „Vidio sam tu potrebu.

And he said, "I saw this need.

So you know what I did? I made it."

I znate što sam učinio? Napravio sam to.“

And everybody just burst into applause, and they were like "Yes!"

Svi su počeli pljeskati i govorili su: „Da!“

A on je rekao: „I nije uspjelo.

And he said, "And it didn't work.

(Laughter)

Onda sam to napravio još 32 puta

And then I made it 32 more times,

and then it worked."

i onda je uspjelo.“

You know what the big secret about TED is?

Znate koja je velika tajna TED-a?

Jedva čekam da ovo kažem ljudima.

I can't wait to tell people this.

I guess I'm doing it right now.

Mislim da to upravo i činim.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

This is like the failure conference.

Ovo je konferencija o neuspjehu.

(Laughter)

Ne, stvarno jest.

No, it is.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

You know why this place is amazing?

Znate zašto je ovo mjesto toliko nevjerojatno?

Because very few people here are afraid to fail.

Zato što se vrlo malo ljudi

boji neuspjeha.

Svi koji dođu na pozornicu, koliko sam do sada vidjela, doživjeli su neuspjeh.

And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I've seen, has not failed.

I've failed miserably, many times.

Ja sam imala mnogo gadnih neuspjeha.

I don't think the world understands that,

Mislim da svijet to ne razumije

because of shame.

zbog srama.

There's a great quote that saved me this past year

Postoji odličan citat Theodorea Roosevelta

koji me spasio prošle godine.

by Theodore Roosevelt.

A lot of people refer to it as the "Man in the Arena" quote.

Mnogo ljudi ga zna kao citat „Čovjek u borilištu“.

And it goes like this:

Ide ovako:

"It is not the critic who counts.

„Nije važan kritičar.

It is not the man who sits and points out

Nije važan čovjek koji sjedi i ističe

how the doer of deeds could have done things better

kako je činitelj djela mogao nešto učiniti bolje

and how he falls and stumbles.

i kako pada i spotiče se.

The credit goes to the man in the arena

Važan je čovjek u borilištu

čije je lice uprljano

whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat.

prašinom, krvlju i znojem.

But when he's in the arena,

No, kad je u borilištu,

u najboljem slučaju pobjeđuje,

at best, he wins,

a u najgorem gubi,

and at worst, he loses,

but when he fails, when he loses,

ali kada doživi neuspjeh, kad izgubi,

he does so daring greatly."

on to čini s tolikom odvažnošću.“

Meni je u tome poanta ove konferencije.

And that's what this conference, to me, is about.

Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena.

O tome se radi i u životu, o velikoj odvažnosti,

o stajanju u borilištu.

When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door,

Kada hodate prema borilištu i stavite ruku na vrata

and you think, "I'm going in and I'm going to try this,"

i pomislite: „Ući ću i pokušat ću,“

sram je gremlin

shame is the gremlin

who says, "Uh, uh.

koji kaže: „Ne, ne.

You're not good enough.

Nisi dovoljno dobar.

You never finished that MBA. Your wife left you.

Nisi završio magisterij. Žena te ostavila.

I know your dad really wasn't in Luxembourg,

Znam da ti tata zapravo nije bio u Luxembourgu,

bio je u Sing Singu (*zatvor).

he was in Sing Sing.

I know those things that happened to you growing up.

Znam stvari koje su ti se dogodile dok si odrastao.

I know you don't think

Znam da ne misliš da si dovoljno lijep,

that you're pretty, smart, talented or powerful enough.

dovoljno pametan, talentiran ili snažan.

I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO."

Znam da tata nikad nije obraćao pažnju na tebe, čak ni kad si postao financijski direktor.“

Shame is that thing.

Sram je upravo to.

And if we can quiet it down and walk in

Ako ga možemo ušutkati i ušetati

and say, "I'm going to do this,"

i reći: „Učinit ću to“,

we look up and the critic that we see pointing and laughing,

vidjet ćemo da je kritičar

koji upire prstom i smije se

99 percent of the time is who?

u 99% slučajeva - tko?

Us.

Mi.

Shame drives two big tapes --

Sram nosi dva velika natpisa –

"never good enough" --

„nikad dovoljno dobar“

and, if you can talk it out of that one,

i, ako ga uspijete odgovoriti od toga,

"who do you think you are?"

„što misliš tko si ti?“

The thing to understand about shame is, it's not guilt.

Ono što morate razumijeti u vezi srama jest to da to nije krivnja.

Sram je usredotočenje na sebe, krivnja je usredotočenje na ponašanje.

Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior.

Shame is "I am bad."

Sram je: „Ja sam loš.“

Guilt is "I did something bad."

Krivnja je: „Učinio sam nešto loše.“

How many of you,

Koliko bi vas,

if you did something that was hurtful to me,

kad biste mi nekako naškodili,

would be willing to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?"

bilo spremno reći: „Žao mi je. Pogriješio sam"?

Koliko bi vas bilo spremno to reći?

How many of you would be willing to say that?

Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake.

Krivnja: Žao mi je. Pogriješio sam.

Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.

Sram: Žao mi je. Ja sam greška.

There's a huge difference between shame and guilt.

Ogromna je razlika između srama i krivnje.

And here's what you need to know.

I evo što morate znati.

Shame is highly, highly correlated

Sram je u velikoj, velikoj uzajamnoj vezi

with addiction, depression, violence, aggression,

s ovisnošću, depresijom, nasiljem, agresijom,

bullying, suicide, eating disorders.

zlostavljanjem, samoubojstvom, poremećajima u prehrani.

And here's what you even need to know more.

A evo što trebate znati još i više.

Guilt, inversely correlated with those things.

Krivnja je obrnuto proporcionalno povezana s tim stvarima.

The ability to hold something we've done or failed to do

Sposobnost da uspoređujemo nešto u čemu smo uspjeli ili u čemu nismo uspjeli

s onime što želimo biti

up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive.

nevjerojatno je prilagodljiva.

It's uncomfortable, but it's adaptive.

Nelagodna je, ali je prilagodljiva.

The other thing you need to know about shame

Druga stvar koju trebate znati o sramu

is it's absolutely organized by gender.

jest da je potpuno organiziran po spolu.

Ako sram preplavi mene i preplavi Chrisa,

If shame washes over me and washes over Chris,

osjećat ćemo isto.

it's going to feel the same.

Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame.

Svi koji ovdje sjede znaju kako izgleda kad vas preplavi topli val srama.

We're pretty sure that the only people who don't experience shame

Prilično smo sigurni da su jedini ljudi koji ne doživljavaju sram

ljudi koji nemaju sposobnost

are people who have no capacity for connection or empathy.

za povezanost ili empatiju.

Što znači, da, imam malo srama;

Which means, yes, I have a little shame;

ne, sociopat sam.

no, I'm a sociopath.

So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame.

Ja bih se odlučila za da, imate malo srama.

Shame feels the same for men and women,

Sram jednako osjećaju muškarci i žene,

but it's organized by gender.

ali organiziran je po spolu.

Kod žena,

For women,

najbolji primjer koji vam mogu dati

the best example I can give you is Enjoli, the commercial.

jest reklama

za parfem Enjoli:

"I can put the wash on the line, pack the lunches, hand out the kisses

„Mogu staviti odjeću na sušenje,

spakirati užine, podijeliti poljupce

and be at work at five to nine.

i biti na poslu od pet do devet.

Mogu donositi novac u kuću i trošiti ga

I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan

and never let you forget you're a man."

i ne dopustiti da zaboraviš da si muškarac.“

For women, shame is, do it all,

Za žene, sram je učiniti sve,

do it perfectly

učiniti to savršeno

and never let them see you sweat.

i ne dopustiti da ljudi vide da se znojite.

I don't know how much perfume that commercial sold,

Ne znam koliko je parfema ta reklama prodala,

but I guarantee you,

ali vam garantiram

it moved a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.

da je uklonila mnogo antidepresiva i lijekova protiv tjeskobe.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Shame, for women, is this web

Sram je, za žene, neka mreža

of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations

nedohvatljivih, kontradiktornih, natjecateljskih očekivanja

o tome tko bismo trebale biti.

about who we're supposed to be.

And it's a straight-jacket.

A to je djeluje poput luđačke košulje.

For men,

Za muškarce,

shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations.

sram nije hrpa natjecateljskih, kontradiktornih očekivanja.

Shame is one,

Sram je jedno:

do not be perceived as what?

da ih se ne smatra kakvima?

Weak.

Slabima.

I did not interview men for the first four years of my study.

Prve četiri godine svojeg istraživanja nisam intervjuirala muškarce.

It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said,

Tek kad me jedan muškarac pogledao jednog dana nakon potpisivanja knjige

i rekao: „Sviđa mi se to što imate za reći o sramu

"I love what say about shame,

i zanima me zašto niste spomenuli muškarce.“

I'm curious why you didn't mention men."

A ja sam rekla: „Ne proučavam muškarce.“

And I said, "I don't study men."

And he said, "That's convenient."

A on je rekao: „To je zgodno.“

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

A ja sam rekla: „Zašto?“

And I said, "Why?"

And he said, "Because you say to reach out,

Na što je on rekao: „Zato što govorite kako treba istupiti,

tell our story,

ispričati svoju priču,

be vulnerable.

biti ranjiv.

But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?"

Ali vidite te knjige koje ste upravo potpisali

za moju ženu i tri kćeri?“

Rekla sam: „Da.“

I said, "Yeah."

„Radije bi vidjele da umrem na svom bijelom konju

"They'd rather me die on top of my white horse

than watch me fall down.

nego da me gledaju kako padam.

Kad istupimo i budemo ranjivi,

When we reach out and be vulnerable,

we get the shit beat out of us.

prebiju nas.

I nemojte mi reći

And don't tell me

it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads.

da je to do tipova i trenera i očeva

jer žene u mom životu od mene očekuju više nego itko drugi.“

Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."

Tako sam počela intervjuirati muškarce

So I started interviewing men and asking questions.

i postavljati pitanja.

And what I learned is this:

I naučila sam ovo:

You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man

Žena koja može sjediti s muškarcem

in real vulnerability and fear,

koji je zaista ranjiv i prestrašen

napravila je nevjerojatan posao.

I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work.

You show me a man who can sit with a woman

Muškarac koji može sjediti sa ženom

who's just had it,

koja se upravo slomila,

she can't do it all anymore,

koja više ne može sve to izdržati,

a njegov prvi odgovor nije

and his first response is not,

„Ispraznio sam perilicu posuđa“,

"I unloaded the dishwasher!"

(Laughter)

nego je stvarno sluša –

But he really listens --

because that's all we need --

jer to je sve što nam treba –

I'll show you a guy who's done a lot of work.

to je muškarac koji je napravio velik posao.

Sram je epidemija našeg društva.

Shame is an epidemic in our culture.

And to get out from underneath it --

Kako bismo se izvukli iz njega,

to find our way back to each other,

pronašli svoj put natrag jedni drugima,

we have to understand how it affects us

moramo razumijeti kako on utječe na nas

and how it affects the way we're parenting,

i kako utječe na način na koji odgajamo djecu,

the way we're working, the way we're looking at each other.

način na koji radimo, način na koji gledamo jedni druge.

Very quickly, some research by Mahalik at Boston College.

Vrlo brzo, imamo Mahalikovo istraživanje na Sveučilištu u Bostonu.

He asked, what do women need to do to conform to female norms?

Pitao je što ženama treba da bi se prilagodile ženskim normama?

The top answers in this country:

Glavni odgovori u ovoj zemlji:

nice, thin, modest

draga, mršava, skromna

and use all available resources for appearance.

i trošenje svih sredstava na izgled.

(Laughter)

Kad je pitao za muškarce,

When he asked about men,

what do men in this country need to do to conform with male norms,

što muškarci u ovoj zemlji trebaju

kako bi se prilagodili muškim normama,

the answers were:

odgovori su bili:

always show emotional control,

uvijek pokazati emocionalnu kontrolu, rad je na prvom mjestu,

work is first,

podizati status i biti nasilan.

pursue status and violence.

Ako želimo pronaći put jedni do drugih,

If we're going to find our way back to each other,

we have to understand and know empathy,

moramo razumijeti i poznavati empatiju

because empathy's the antidote to shame.

zato što je empatija protuotrov za sram.

If you put shame in a Petri dish,

Ako stavite sram u Petrijevu zdjelicu,

it needs three things to grow exponentially:

trebaju mu tri stvari za eksponencijalni rast:

secrecy, silence and judgment.

tajnost, tišina i osuđivanje.

If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy,

Ako istu količinu srama stavite u Petrijevu zdjelicu i uronite ga u empatiju,

it can't survive.

ne može preživjeti.

The two most powerful words when we're in struggle:

Tri najmoćnije riječi kad se s nečim borimo:

me too.

i ja isto.

And so I'll leave you with this thought.

Ostavit ću vas s tom mišlju.

Ako želimo pronaći put

If we're going to find our way back to each other,

jedni do drugih,

vulnerability is going to be that path.

ranjivost će biti taj put.

And I know it's seductive to stand outside the arena,

Znam da je primamljivo stajati izvan borilišta,

because I think I did it my whole life,

mislim da sam to radila cijeli život

and think to myself,

i mislim si:

I'm going to go in there and kick some ass

ući ću unutra i sve ih razbiti

when I'm bulletproof and when I'm perfect.

kad budem neprobojna i savršena.

A to je primamljivo.

And that is seductive.

But the truth is, that never happens.

Ali to se nikad neće dogoditi.

And even if you got as perfect as you could

Čak i ako ste najsavršeniji što možete biti

i najneprobojniji što možete biti,

and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster

kad uđete unutra,

when you got in there,

that's not what we want to see.

to nije ono što želimo vidjeti.

We want you to go in.

Želimo da uđete.

We want to be with you and across from you.

Želimo biti s vama i nasuprot vas.

I samo želimo,

And we just want,

for ourselves and the people we care about

za sebe i ljude do kojih nam je stalo

i ljude s kojima radimo

and the people we work with,

da imaju veliku odvažnost.

to dare greatly.

So thank you all very much. I really appreciate it.

Puno vam hvala svima. Zaista to cijenim.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)