Listening to shame | Brené Brown | TED

Translator: Pia Pirc Žagar Reviewer: Nika Kotnik

Povedala vam bom nekaj

I'm going to tell you a little bit about my TEDxHouston Talk.

v zvezi z nastopom na dogodku TEDxHouston.

I woke up the morning after I gave that talk

Po tistem nastopu sem zjutraj vstala

with the worst vulnerability hangover of my life.

z največjim "ranljivostnim mačkom"

v življenju.

And I actually didn't leave my house for about three days.

Hiše nisem zapustila

približno tri dni.

Nato sem šla na kosilo s prijateljico.

The first time I left was to meet a friend for lunch.

And when I walked in, she was already at the table.

Ko sem vstopila, je bila že za mizo.

Prisedem in reče mi:

I sat down, and she said, "God, you look like hell."

"Moj bog, izgledaš pa slabo",

I said, "Thanks. I feel really --

"Hvala," ji odgovorim. "Počutim se res --

Sploh ne funkcioniram."

I'm not functioning."

And she said, "What's going on?"

Vpraša me je, kaj se dogaja.

And I said, "I just told 500 people

"Pravkar sem povedala

petsto ljudem,

that I became a researcher to avoid vulnerability.

da sem postala raziskovalka,

da bi se izognila ranljivosti.

And that when being vulnerable emerged from my data,

In ko so moji podatki pokazali, da je ranljivost

nekaj absolutno nujnega

as absolutely essential to whole-hearted living,

za polno življenje,

I told these 500 people that I had a breakdown.

grem povedat celotni publiki,

da sem doživela živčni zlom.

I had a slide that said 'Breakdown.'

Na diapozitivu mi je pisalo "Živčni zlom".

At what point did I think that was a good idea?"

Kako se mi je to lahko zdela dobra ideja?"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And she said, "I saw your talk live-streamed.

Pa reče: "Tvoj nastop sem gledala v živo.

It was not really you.

Nisi si bila prav podobna.

Bil je malo drugačen od tega, kar narediš ponavadi.

It was a little different than what you usually do.

Ampak bilo je super."

But it was great."

And I said,

In jaz ji rečem:

"This can't happen.

"To se ne sme zgoditi."

YouTube, they're putting this thing on YouTube.

"To stvar bodo naložili na YouTube."

And we're going to be talking about 600, 700 people."

"In potem jo bo videlo 600, 700 ljudi."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And she said, "Well, I think it's too late."

In reče: "No, mislim, da je prepozno."

And I said, "Let me ask you something."

In ji rečem: "Te lahko nekaj vprašam?"

In ona reče: "Ja."

And she said, "Yeah."

I said, "Do you remember when we were in college,

In rečem: "Se spomniš faksa,

really wild and kind of dumb?"

ko sva bili čisto podivjani in malo neumni?"

In odgovori: "Ja."

She said, "Yeah."

I said, "Remember when we'd leave a really bad message

"Veš, ko pustiš res grozno sporočilo

on our ex-boyfriend's answering machine?

na tajnici svojega bivšega?

In potem mu moraš vdreti v sobo

Then we'd have to break into his dorm room and then erase the tape?"

in zbrisati kaseto?"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

In ona reče: "Uh... Ne."

And she goes, "Uh... no."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Na tej točki sem seveda lahko rekla samo:

Of course, the only thing I could say at that point was,

"Yeah, me neither.

"Ne, niti jaz ne.

To... Res ne."

Yeah -- me neither."

And I'm thinking to myself,

In sama pri sebi si mislim:

"Brené, kaj delaš? Kaj delaš?

"Brené, what are you doing?

Why did you bring this up?

Zakaj si to omenila? Se ti je zmešalo?

Have you lost your mind?

Your sisters would be perfect for this."

Tvoji sestri bi bili idealni za tole."

(Laughter)

So I looked back up and she said,

Ko spet pogledam gor, mi reče:

"Are you really going to try to break in and steal the video

"Boš res poskušala vlomiti k njim

in ukrasti video,

before they put it on YouTube?"

preden ga naložijo na YouTube?"

(Laughter)

And I said, "I'm just thinking about it a little bit."

In ji rečem: "Samo malo razmišljam o tem."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

She said, "You're like the worst vulnerability role model ever."

In ona reče: "Ti si najslabša vzornica za ranljivost sploh."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Then I looked at her and I said something

In potem sem jo pogledala in rekla nekaj,

that at the time felt a little dramatic,

kar se je takrat zdelo dramatično,

but ended up being more prophetic than dramatic.

ampak se je izkazalo za preroško.

Rekla sem:

"If 500 turns into 1,000

"Če se 500 spremeni v 1000

or 2,000,

ali 2000,

my life is over."

bo mojega življenja konec."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I had no contingency plan for four million.

Nisem imela kriznega načrta za 4 milijone.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And my life did end when that happened.

In mojega življenja je bilo takrat res konec.

And maybe the hardest part about my life ending

Mogoče je bilo pri tem najtežje,

is that I learned something hard about myself,

da sem se naučila nekaj težkega o sebi

and that was that,

in sicer:

čeprav bi me frustriralo,

as much as I would be frustrated

če svojega dela ne bi mogla predstaviti svetu,

about not being able to get my work out to the world,

there was a part of me that was working very hard

se je del mene močno trudil,

to engineer staying small,

da bi ostala majhna

staying right under the radar.

in neopažena.

But I want to talk about what I've learned.

Rada bi vam povedala, kaj sem se naučila.

There's two things that I've learned in the last year.

V preteklem letu sem se naučila dvoje.

The first is:

Prvič,

vulnerability is not weakness.

ranljivost ni šibkost.

And that myth is profoundly dangerous.

To prepričanje

je izredno nevarno.

Naj vas iskreno vprašam --

Let me ask you honestly --

in opozarjam vas,

and I'll give you this warning,

I'm trained as a therapist,

da sem izučena terapevtka,

so I can out-wait you uncomfortably --

in lahko vzdržim več neprijetnega čakanja od vas --

so if you could just raise your hand that would be awesome --

Super bi bilo, če bi lahko dvignili roke

how many of you honestly,

tisti med vami, ki

when you're thinking about doing or saying something vulnerable

ko pomislite, da bi storili nekaj ranljivega

ali rekli nekaj ranljivega,

think, "God, vulnerability is weakness."

pomislite: "Joj, ranljivost je šibkost."

How many of you think of vulnerability and weakness synonymously?

Komu se zdi, da sta ranljivost in šibkost sopomenki?

Večini ljudi.

The majority of people.

Naj vas zdaj vprašam tole:

Now let me ask you this question:

This past week at TED,

Ta teden na konferenci TED,

how many of you, when you saw vulnerability up here,

ko ste na tem odru videli ranljivost,

thought it was pure courage?

komu od vas se je zdela kot čisti pogum?

Vulnerability is not weakness.

Ranljivost ni šibkost.

I define vulnerability as emotional risk,

Ranljivost definiram

kot čustveno tveganje,

exposure, uncertainty.

izpostavljanje, negotovost.

It fuels our daily lives.

To je gonilo našega vsakdanjega življenja.

And I've come to the belief --

In prišla sem do spoznanja --

this is my 12th year doing this research --

to je moje dvanajsto leto s to raziskavo --

that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage --

da je ranljivost

naše najbolj natančno merilo

poguma.

to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen,

Biti ranljiv, dopustiti, da nas drugi vidijo,

to be honest.

biti iskren.

One of the weird things that's happened is, after the TED explosion,

Ena od nenavadnih stvari, ki so se zgodile:

po TED ekploziji sem dobila

I got a lot of offers to speak all over the country --

ogromno ponudb za nastope po celi državi --

everyone from schools and parent meetings

od šol in skupin za starše

to Fortune 500 companies.

do podjetij z lestvice Fortune 500.

And so many of the calls went like this,

In toliko klicev se je začelo takole:

"Dr. Brown, we loved your TED talk.

"Dr. Brown, vaš TED nastop je bil super."

We'd like you to come in and speak.

Radi bi, da pridete nastopit k nam.

We'd appreciate it

Res bi bili hvaležni,

if you wouldn't mention vulnerability or shame."

če ne bi omenili ranljivosti ali sramu."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

What would you like for me to talk about?

O čem bi radi, da govorim?

Obstajajo trije glavni odgovori

There's three big answers.

This is mostly, to be honest with you, from the business sector:

po pravici povedano predvsem iz poslovnega sektorja:

innovation, creativity and change.

inovacija, kreativnost

in spremembe.

(Laughter)

So let me go on the record and say,

Naj tukaj javno

povem tole:

vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.

ranljivost je zibelka

inovacij, kreativnosti in sprememb.

(Applause)

(Aplavz)

To create is to make something that has never existed before.

Ustvarjati pomeni narediti nekaj,

kar prej še ni obstajalo.

There's nothing more vulnerable than that.

Nič ni bolj ranljivega.

Adaptability to change is all about vulnerability.

Prilagajanje spremembam

je močno povezano z ranljivostjo.

Drugič,

The second thing,

in addition to really finally understanding

poleg tega, da sem končno res razumela

the relationship between vulnerability and courage,

razmerje med ranljivostjo in pogumom,

the second thing I learned, is this:

sem se naučila tudi tole:

We have to talk about shame.

moramo govoriti o sramu.

And I'm going to be really honest with you.

In z vami bom res odkrita.

When I became a "vulnerability researcher"

Ko sem postala "raziskovalka ranljivosti"

and that became the focus because of the TED talk --

in je bilo to v središču pozornosti zaradi nastopa na TED-u,

and I'm not kidding.

brez šale.

I'll give you an example.

Dala vam bom primer.

Pred približno tremi meseci, sem bila v športni trgovini.

About three months ago, I was in a sporting goods store

Kupovala sem zaščitna očala in ščitnike

buying goggles and shin guards

and all the things that parents buy at the sporting goods store.

in vse ostalo, kar starši kupujejo v športni trgovini.

Približno 30 metrov stran zaslišim:

About from a hundred feet away, this is what I hear:

"Vulnerability TED! Vulnerability TED!"

"Ranljivost TED! Ranljivost TED!"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

(Laughter ends)

I'm a fifth-generation Texan.

Moja družina že pet generacij živi v Teksasu.

Our family motto is "Lock and load."

Naš moto je "Bodi pripravljen."

I am not a natural vulnerability researcher.

Nisem rojena za raziskovalko ranljivosti.

So I'm like,

In tako rečem:

just keep walking, she's on my six.

"Kar hodi naprej, za mano je."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And then I hear, "Vulnerability TED!"

In potem zaslišim, "TED Ranljivost!"

I turn around, I go, "Hi."

Obrnem se in rečem: "Živjo."

She's right here and she said,

Stala je tam in mi rekla:

"You're the shame researcher who had the breakdown."

"Ti si raziskovalka sramu, ki je imela živčni zlom."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

At this point, parents are, like, pulling their children close.

Na tej točki

so starši svoje otroke potegnili k sebi.

(Laughter)

"Look away."

"Stran glej."

And I'm so worn out at this point in my life,

In jaz sem bila že tako izmučena,

I look at her and I actually say,

da sem jo pogledala in rekla:

"It was a fricking spiritual awakening."

"Bilo je presneto duhovno prebujenje."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

(Applause)

(Aplavz)

And she looks back and does this,

In ona me pogleda nazaj in reče:

"Vem."

"I know."

(Laughter)

In rekla mi je:

And she said,

"Z bralnim klubom smo gledali tvoj TED nastop.

"We watched your TED talk in my book club.

Potem smo prebrali tvojo knjigo

Then we read your book and we renamed ourselves

in se preimenovali

'The Breakdown Babes.'"

v 'Ženske sredi živčnega zloma'.

(Laughter)

And she said, "Our tagline is:

Naš slogan je:

'We're falling apart and it feels fantastic.'"

'Sesuvamo se in občutek je fantastičen.'"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

You can only imagine what it's like for me in a faculty meeting.

Lahko si samo predstavljate,

kako se počutim med sestanki na fakulteti.

(Sighs)

So when I became Vulnerability TED,

Tako sem postala TED Ranljivost,

kot igrača, akcijska figura --

like an action figure --

Like Ninja Barbie, but I'm Vulnerability TED --

kot nindža Barbie, samo da sem jaz TED Ranljivost.

I thought, I'm going to leave that shame stuff behind,

Mislila sem si, da bom vse tisto o sramu pustila za sabo,

because I spent six years studying shame

ker sem šest let proučevala sram

before I started writing and talking about vulnerability.

preden sem zares začela pisati in govoriti o ranljivosti.

And I thought, thank God, because shame is this horrible topic,

In mislila sem si, hvala Bogu, ker je sram taka grozna tema.

no one wants to talk about it.

Nihče noče govoriti o sramu.

To je najboljši način, da utišate soseda na letu.

It's the best way to shut people down on an airplane.

"What do you do?" "I study shame." "Oh."

"S čim se ukvarjate?" "Raziskujem sram." -"Oh."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And I see you.

In vidim vas.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

But in surviving this last year,

Ampak, ko sem preživela preteklo leto,

sem se spomnila glavnega pravila --

I was reminded of a cardinal rule --

not a research rule,

ne pravila za raziskovanje,

but a moral imperative from my upbringing --

ampak moralne obveze

iz svoje vzgoje --

"you've got to dance with the one who brung ya".

Plesati moraš s tistim, ki te je pripeljal.

And I did not learn about vulnerability

Nisem se naučila o ranljivosti

and courage and creativity and innovation

in pogumu in ustvarjalnosti in inovaciji

from studying vulnerability.

s proučevanjem ranljivosti.

I learned about these things from studying shame.

O teh stvareh sem se naučila

s proučevanjem sramu.

And so I want to walk you in to shame.

In tako vam hočem predstaviti sram.

Jungian analysts call shame the swampland of the soul.

Jungovski analitiki sram imenujejo

močvirje duše.

And we're going to walk in.

In mi bomo zabredli v močvirje.

And the purpose is not to walk in

Namen tega ni, da zabredemo v močvirje

and construct a home and live there.

in si tam zgradimo hišo in tam živimo.

Namen je, da si nataknemo galoše

It is to put on some galoshes --

and walk through and find our way around.

in prečkamo močvirje in najdemo svojo pot.

In sicer zato.

Here's why.

We heard the most compelling call ever to have a conversation in this country,

Slišali smo najbolj prepričljiv poziv,

da se v tej državi

and I think globally, around race, right?

in tudi globalno

pogovorimo o rasi, kajne?

Kajne? To smo slišali.

Yes? We heard that.

Yes?

Kajne?

Cannot have that conversation without shame.

Tega pogovora ne moremo imeti brez sramu,

Because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege.

ker ne moreš govoriti o rasi, ne da bi govoril o privilegiranosti.

In ko ljudje začnejo govoriti o privilegiranosti,

And when people start talking about privilege,

they get paralyzed by shame.

jih paralizira sram.

We heard a brilliant simple solution to not killing people in surgery,

Slišali smo briljantno preprosto rešitev,

kako ne ubiti človeka med operacijo.

which is, have a checklist.

Imeti je treba seznam.

Tega problema ne moreš rešiti, ne da bi se lotil sramu.

You can't fix that problem without addressing shame,

Ko te kirurge učijo, kako narediti šive,

because when they teach those folks how to suture,

they also teach them how to stitch their self-worth

jih naučijo tudi, kako svoje samospoštovanje prišiti

to being all-powerful.

na to, da so vsemogočni.

And all-powerful folks don't need checklists.

In vsemogočni ljudje ne potrebujejo nobenih seznamov.

And I had to write down the name of this TED Fellow

Morala sem si zapisati ime tega TED člana,

so I didn't mess it up here.

da se ne bi zmotila na odru.

Myshkin Ingawale.

Myshkin Ingawale,

Upam, da sem to prav rekla.

I hope I did right by you.

(Applause)

(Aplavz)

I saw the TED Fellows my first day here.

TED člane sem videla prvi dan konference.

And he got up and he explained how he was driven to create

Vstal je in pojasnil,

kako se je odločil ustvariti

some technology to help test for anemia,

tehnologijo za testiranje slabokrvnosti,

because people were dying unnecessarily.

ker so ljudje umirali po nepotrebnem

Rekel je, "Videl sem, da obstaja potreba.

And he said, "I saw this need.

So you know what I did? I made it."

In veste, kaj sem naredil? Ustvaril sem to."

And everybody just burst into applause, and they were like "Yes!"

In vsi so mu začeli ploskati.

In potem je rekel: "Ampak ni delovala.

And he said, "And it didn't work.

(Laughter)

Potem sem jo naredil še dvaintridesetkrat.

And then I made it 32 more times,

and then it worked."

In potem je delovala."

You know what the big secret about TED is?

Veste kaj je velika skrivnost TED-a?

Komaj čakam, da ljudem tole povem.

I can't wait to tell people this.

I guess I'm doing it right now.

No, to pravkar počnem.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

This is like the failure conference.

To je konferenca o neuspehu.

(Laughter)

No, it is.

Ne, res je.

(Applause)

(Aplavz)

You know why this place is amazing?

Veste, zakaj je ta kraj tako čudovit?

Because very few people here are afraid to fail.

Ker je tu zelo malo ljudi,

ki se bojijo neuspeha.

Nihče, ki sem ga do zdaj videla na odru, ni brez neuspehov.

And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I've seen, has not failed.

I've failed miserably, many times.

Meni je velikokrat prav bedno spodletelo.

I don't think the world understands that,

Mislim, da svet tega ne razume

because of shame.

zaradi sramu.

There's a great quote that saved me this past year

V tem letu me je rešila sijajna misel,

ki jo je izrekel Theodore Roosevelt.

by Theodore Roosevelt.

A lot of people refer to it as the "Man in the Arena" quote.

Mnogi ta citat imenujejo "Mož v areni".

And it goes like this:

In glasi se takole:

"It is not the critic who counts.

"Ni kritik tisti, ki šteje;

It is not the man who sits and points out

ne mož, ki s prstom kaže na močnejšega,

how the doer of deeds could have done things better

kako pade,

and how he falls and stumbles.

ali kako bi lahko nekdo opravil bolje.

The credit goes to the man in the arena

Zasluge pripadajo tistemu, ki je dejansko v areni,

čigar obraz je zamazan

whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat.

s prahom in s potom in krvjo.

But when he's in the arena,

Ampak, ko je v areni,

v najboljšem primeru nazadnje okusi zmagoslavje velikega uspeha

at best, he wins,

in v najslabšem primeru,

and at worst, he loses,

but when he fails, when he loses,

v primeru, da mu ne uspe,

he does so daring greatly."

vsaj ve, da si je veliko upal."

In zame je ta konferenca o tem.

And that's what this conference, to me, is about.

Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena.

V življenju se gre za to, da si upamo več,

da stopimo v areno.

When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door,

Ko prideš do te arene in položiš roko na vrata

and you think, "I'm going in and I'm going to try this,"

in si misliš, "Stopil bom noter in poskusil tole,"

je sram tisto bitje v tvoji glavi,

shame is the gremlin

who says, "Uh, uh.

ki reče, "Ne pa ne.

You're not good enough.

Nisi dovolj dober.

You never finished that MBA. Your wife left you.

Nikoli nisi končal študija MBA. Žena te je zapustila.

I know your dad really wasn't in Luxembourg,

Vem, da tvoj oče v resnici ni bil v Luksemburgu.

Bil je v zaporu Sing Sing.

he was in Sing Sing.

I know those things that happened to you growing up.

Vem za vse tiste stvari, ki so se zgodile, ko si odraščal.

I know you don't think

Vem, da ne misliš, da si dovolj lepa

that you're pretty, smart, talented or powerful enough.

ali dovolj pametna ali dovolj nadarjena ali dovolj močna.

I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO."

Vem, da se tvoj oče nikoli ni zmenil zate, niti ko si postal šef finančne službe.

Shame is that thing.

Sram je tisti.

And if we can quiet it down and walk in

In če ga lahko utišamo in vstopimo v areno

and say, "I'm going to do this,"

in rečemo, "To bom storil."

we look up and the critic that we see pointing and laughing,

pogledamo gor in ta kritik, ki ga vidimo,

kako kaže s prstom in se posmehuje,

99 percent of the time is who?

smo 99 odstotkov časa

Us.

mi sami.

Shame drives two big tapes --

Sram nam predvaja dve glavni kaseti --

"never good enough" --

"nikoli dovolj dober"

and, if you can talk it out of that one,

in, če ga lahko pregovoriš, da to ni res,

"who do you think you are?"

"kdo pa misliš, da si?"

The thing to understand about shame is, it's not guilt.

O sramu je treba razumeti, da to ni krivda.

Sram pomeni osredotočanje nase, krivda se osredotoča na vedenje.

Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior.

Shame is "I am bad."

Sram pravi:"Slab sem."

Guilt is "I did something bad."

Krivda pravi: "Naredil sem nekaj slabega."

How many of you,

Koliko med vami,

if you did something that was hurtful to me,

če bi naredili nekaj, kar bi me prizadelo,

would be willing to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?"

mi bi reklo: "Oprosti. Zmotil sem se."

Koliko bi vas bilo pripravljenih to reči?

How many of you would be willing to say that?

Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake.

Krivda: "Oprosti. Naredil sem napako."

Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.

Sram: "Oprosti. Jaz sem napaka."

There's a huge difference between shame and guilt.

Med sramom in krivdo je ogromna razlika.

And here's what you need to know.

In tole morate vedeti.

Shame is highly, highly correlated

Sram je močno, močno povezan

with addiction, depression, violence, aggression,

z zasvojenostjo, depresijo, nasiljem, agresivnostjo,

bullying, suicide, eating disorders.

ustrahovanjem, samomorom, motnjami hranjenja.

And here's what you even need to know more.

Tole morate še bolj nujno vedeti.

Guilt, inversely correlated with those things.

Med temi rečmi in krivdo obstaja obratna korelacija.

The ability to hold something we've done or failed to do

Sposobnost, da nekaj kar smo storili ali nam je spodletelo

primerjamo s tem, kakšni bi radi bili

up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive.

je neverjetno prilagojeno vedenje.

It's uncomfortable, but it's adaptive.

Ni prijetno, je pa prilagojeno.

The other thing you need to know about shame

Druga stvar, ki jo morate vedeti o sramu,

is it's absolutely organized by gender.

je, da je absolutno organiziran glede na spol.

Če mene ali Chrisa oblije sram,

If shame washes over me and washes over Chris,

bo občutek isti.

it's going to feel the same.

Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame.

Vsi, ki sedimo tu, poznamo vroč občutek sramu.

We're pretty sure that the only people who don't experience shame

Edini ljudje, ki ne občutijo sramu

so ljudje, ki nimajo zmožnosti

are people who have no capacity for connection or empathy.

za povezanost in empatijo.

Kar pomeni: da, občutim nekaj sramu,

Which means, yes, I have a little shame;

ne, sociopat sem.

no, I'm a sociopath.

So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame.

Med tem dvojim bi izbrala malo sramu.

Shame feels the same for men and women,

Občutek sramu je isti za moške in ženske,

but it's organized by gender.

vendar je sram organiziran glede na spol.

Za ženske

For women,

je najboljši primer,

the best example I can give you is Enjoli, the commercial.

ki vam ga lahko dam,

reklama za parfum Enjoli:

"I can put the wash on the line, pack the lunches, hand out the kisses

Lahko obesim perilo,

pripravim malice, razdelim poljubčke.

and be at work at five to nine.

in pridem v službo pet minut do devetih.

Domov prinesem plačo, skuham večerjo

I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan

and never let you forget you're a man."

in ti še vedno pustim biti moški.

For women, shame is, do it all,

Ženskam sram pravi: "Vse naredi,

do it perfectly

naredi brezhibno,

and never let them see you sweat.

in ne dovoli, da bi videli tvoj napor."

I don't know how much perfume that commercial sold,

Ne vem, koliko parfuma so prodali s to reklamo,

but I guarantee you,

vendar vam zagotavjam,

it moved a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.

da so prodali veliko antidepresivov in zdravil za anksioznost.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Shame, for women, is this web

Sram je za ženske nekakšna mreža

of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations

nedosegljivih, nasprotujočih si pričakovanj,

kakšne bi morale biti.

about who we're supposed to be.

And it's a straight-jacket.

In to je prisilni jopič.

For men,

Za moške

shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations.

sram ni skupek nedosegljivih, nasprotujočih si pričakovanj.

Shame is one,

Sram je samo ena stvar.

do not be perceived as what?

Ne smejo te imeti za kakšnega?

Weak.

Šibkega.

I did not interview men for the first four years of my study.

Prva štiri leta moje raziskave nisem intervjuvala moških.

Nato mi je nek moški, ko sem podpisovala knjige,

It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said,

rekel: "Navdušen sem nad vašimi opažanji o sramu,

"I love what say about shame,

I'm curious why you didn't mention men."

vendar me zanima, zakaj niste omenili moških.

And I said, "I don't study men."

In odvrnila sem: "Ne proučujem moških."

And he said, "That's convenient."

In on je rekel: "To je priročno."

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

Vprašala sem ga, zakaj,

And I said, "Why?"

And he said, "Because you say to reach out,

in odgovoril je:"Ker pravite, naj se obrnemo na druge,

tell our story,

povemo svojo zgodbo,

be vulnerable.

smo ranljivi.

Vidite, te knjige, ki ste jih pravkar podpisali

But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?"

za mojo ženo in tri hčere?"

Rekla sem: "Ja."

I said, "Yeah."

"Raje bi videle, da umrem, ko sem na konju,

"They'd rather me die on top of my white horse

than watch me fall down.

kot da bi me videle pasti z njega.

Ko se obrnemo na druge in smo ranljivi,

When we reach out and be vulnerable,

we get the shit beat out of us.

nas pretepejo.

In ne govorite mi,

And don't tell me

it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads.

da to prihaja od moških in trenerjev in očetov,

ker so ženske v mojem življenju bolj stroge do mene kot kdorkoli drug."

Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."

In tako sem začela intervjuvati moške

So I started interviewing men and asking questions.

in jim zastavljati vprašanja.

And what I learned is this:

Izvedela sem tole:

You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man

Če mi pokažete žensko, ki lahko sedi z moškim,

in real vulnerability and fear,

ki ji zares pokaže svoj strah in ranljivost,

vam bom pokazala žensko, ki je opravila neverjetno delo.

I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work.

You show me a man who can sit with a woman

Če mi pokažete moškega, ki lahko sedi z žensko,

who's just had it,

ki ima zadosti,

she can't do it all anymore,

ki ne more več sama postoriti vsega,

in njegov prvi odgovor ni:

and his first response is not,

"Jaz sem izpraznil pomivalni stroj."

"I unloaded the dishwasher!"

(Laughter)

Ampak jo res posluša --

But he really listens --

because that's all we need --

to je namreč vse kar potrebujemo --

I'll show you a guy who's done a lot of work.

vam bom pokazala moškega, ki je naredil veliko.

Sram je epidemija v naši kulturi

Shame is an epidemic in our culture.

And to get out from underneath it --

in če se ga želimo osvoboditi

to find our way back to each other,

in najti pot nazaj drug k drugemu,

we have to understand how it affects us

moramo razumeti, kako vpliva na nas

and how it affects the way we're parenting,

in kako vpliva na to, kako vzgajamo svoje otroke,

the way we're working, the way we're looking at each other.

kako delamo, kako gledamo drug na drugega.

Very quickly, some research by Mahalik at Boston College.

Čisto na hitro o raziskavi, ki jo je na Bostonskem kolidžu izvedel Mahalik.

He asked, what do women need to do to conform to female norms?

Vprašal je, kaj morajo ženske storiti, da dosežejo ženstvene standarde.

The top answers in this country:

Najpogostejši odgovori v tej državi:

nice, thin, modest

prijazna, vitka, skromna

and use all available resources for appearance.

in uporabi vsa možna sredstva, da bi polepšala svoj videz.

(Laughter)

Ko je isto vprašal za moške,

When he asked about men,

what do men in this country need to do to conform with male norms,

kaj morajo storiti moški v tej državi,

da dosežejo moški standard,

the answers were:

so bili odgovori:

always show emotional control,

vedno obvladaj svoja čustva, postavi delo na prvo mesto,

work is first,

išči družbeni status in nasilje.

pursue status and violence.

Če se želimo vrniti drug k drugemu,

If we're going to find our way back to each other,

we have to understand and know empathy,

moramo razumeti in poznati sočutje,

because empathy's the antidote to shame.

ker je sočutje zdravilo za sram.

If you put shame in a Petri dish,

Če bi sram dali v petrijevko,

it needs three things to grow exponentially:

bi potreboval tri stvari za eksponentno rast:

secrecy, silence and judgment.

skrivanje, tišino in obsojanje.

If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy,

Če bi sram prelili s sočutjem,

it can't survive.

ne bi mogel preživeti.

The two most powerful words when we're in struggle:

Najmočnejši besedi, ko se z nečim spopadamo:

me too.

"Jaz tudi."

And so I'll leave you with this thought.

Za konec bi rada delila tole misel.

Če si želimo najti pot

If we're going to find our way back to each other,

nazaj drug k drugemu,

vulnerability is going to be that path.

bo ta pot ranljivost.

And I know it's seductive to stand outside the arena,

Vem, da nas mika stati zunaj arene,

because I think I did it my whole life,

ker mislim, da sem to počela celo življenje,

and think to myself,

in si pri tem mislila,

"Šla bom tja noter in jim pokazala, kako to gre,

I'm going to go in there and kick some ass

when I'm bulletproof and when I'm perfect.

takoj ko postanem neprebojna in popolna."

In ta ideja je privlačna,

And that is seductive.

But the truth is, that never happens.

ampak v resnici se to nikoli ne zgodi.

Tudi če bi prišel kar se da blizu popolnosti

And even if you got as perfect as you could

in kar se da blizu neprebojnosti,

and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster

ko bi vstopil v areno,

when you got in there,

that's not what we want to see.

to ne bi bilo tisto, kar si želimo videti.

We want you to go in.

Želimo, da stopiš noter.

We want to be with you and across from you.

Želimo biti s teboj

in vse kar si želimo,

And we just want,

for ourselves and the people we care about

zase in za ljudi, za katere nam je mar,

in za ljudi, s katerimi delamo,

and the people we work with,

je da si upajo več.

to dare greatly.

So thank you all very much. I really appreciate it.

Najlepša hvala vsem. Res sem vam hvaležna.

(Applause)

(Aplavz)