Listening to shame | Brené Brown | TED

譯者: Jessica Lin 審譯者: Joyce Chou

我今天要告訴妳一些

I'm going to tell you a little bit about my TEDxHouston Talk.

我上回在 TEDxHouston 的演講

I woke up the morning after I gave that talk

我在那次演講後的早晨

with the worst vulnerability hangover of my life.

經歷我有始以來最糟的

脆弱感後遺症。

And I actually didn't leave my house for about three days.

我感覺糟糕到

在那演講後的三天我都沒出門。

我第一次再度出門是去跟一個朋友共進午餐。

The first time I left was to meet a friend for lunch.

And when I walked in, she was already at the table.

當我走進去的時候，他已經坐在座位上了。

我坐下，然後她說：

I sat down, and she said, "God, you look like hell."

「天啊！你看起來慘不人賭！」

I said, "Thanks. I feel really --

我回答：「謝謝。我真的感到--

我的身體無法正常運作。」

I'm not functioning."

And she said, "What's going on?"

她問我：「到底發生什麼事了？」

And I said, "I just told 500 people

我說：「我在不久前

跟五百個人分享

that I became a researcher to avoid vulnerability.

我是一個

躲避脆弱感的研究者。

And that when being vulnerable emerged from my data,

我告訴他們，我在收集關於脆弱感的資料後發現

脆弱感的本身

正是我們能夠

as absolutely essential to whole-hearted living,

全心生活的基本要素，

I told these 500 people that I had a breakdown.

並且我告訴這五百人，

我因為這個發現經歷了一場崩潰。

I had a slide that said 'Breakdown.'

我有一張簡報就寫著“崩潰”兩個字。

At what point did I think that was a good idea?"

到底是在什麼時候我覺得這會是個好主意呢？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And she said, "I saw your talk live-streamed.

她對我說，「我有看你那場講座的現場直播。

It was not really you.

那並不像真正的妳。

It was a little different than what you usually do.

那跟平常的妳有些落差，

但那是場很棒的演講。」

But it was great."

And I said,

我答：

"This can't happen.

「我不能讓它發生，

YouTube, they're putting this thing on YouTube.

YouTube，他們要把講座影片放到Youtube 上面。

And we're going to be talking about 600, 700 people."

我就等於要在跟六，七百的人說話。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And she said, "Well, I think it's too late."

然後她說，“我想現在想這些都太遲了。”

And I said, "Let me ask you something."

我說：讓我問妳一件事。

她說：好阿。

And she said, "Yeah."

I said, "Do you remember when we were in college,

我說：你記得我們在大學的時候

really wild and kind of dumb?"

曾瘋狂像個傻子的樣子嗎？

她說，我記得。

She said, "Yeah."

I said, "Remember when we'd leave a really bad message

然後我問：你記得我們曾經

on our ex-boyfriend's answering machine?

在我們前男友的答錄機裡留下很糟的留言嗎？

我們還得闖入他的宿舍房間

Then we'd have to break into his dorm room and then erase the tape?"

去刪除那個錄音嗎？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

然後她回我：嗯…我不記得。

And she goes, "Uh... no."

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

所以，當時我能想到的回應只有這個：

Of course, the only thing I could say at that point was,

"Yeah, me neither.

恩..對啊，我也不記得。

那件事我…也不記得。

Yeah -- me neither."

And I'm thinking to myself,

然後我在腦海裡思考，

「Brene 妳在幹嘛？妳到底在幹嘛？

"Brené, what are you doing?

Why did you bring this up?

為什麼要提起這件事？妳失去理智了嗎？

Have you lost your mind?

Your sisters would be perfect for this."

你的姊妹們會對這個很有一套的。」

(Laughter)

So I looked back up and she said,

我停了一下，然後她說：

"Are you really going to try to break in and steal the video

「你真的要在他們

把影片放到Youtube 上之前

before they put it on YouTube?"

在闖進去將他偷走嗎？」

(Laughter)

And I said, "I'm just thinking about it a little bit."

我答：「我只是有一點想這麼做而已。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

She said, "You're like the worst vulnerability role model ever."

她說：妳真的是個有史以來最差的“脆弱感”模範。

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

Then I looked at her and I said something

我看著她然後說了一些

that at the time felt a little dramatic,

當時感覺蠻戲劇化的話

but ended up being more prophetic than dramatic.

但到最後成為一個更像是預言的話

我說：

"If 500 turns into 1,000

「如果五百 個（觀眾）變成一千個

or 2,000,

或兩千個，

my life is over."

我的生命就真的完了。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I had no contingency plan for four million.

我完全沒有預料到會有四百萬個觀眾。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And my life did end when that happened.

我的生命在那時候真的是玩完了。

And maybe the hardest part about my life ending

或許，這當中最困難的部份

is that I learned something hard about myself,

是我看見了關於我自己的矛盾。

and that was that,

就像

as much as I would be frustrated

我總是因為不能順利地

about not being able to get my work out to the world,

廣傳我的研究而感到十分挫折，

there was a part of me that was working very hard

我也同時竭力的想

to engineer staying small,

想將自己縮小，

staying right under the radar.

讓自己變得很不醒目。

But I want to talk about what I've learned.

我想要告訴你麼我學到的功課。

There's two things that I've learned in the last year.

去年我學會了兩件事情。

The first is:

第一件事是

vulnerability is not weakness.

脆弱感並不等於懦弱。

And that myth is profoundly dangerous.

有這個迷思

是非常危險的。

讓我問你—

Let me ask you honestly --

我要先給你一個警告，

and I'll give you this warning,

I'm trained as a therapist,

我是一個被訓練過的治療師，

so I can out-wait you uncomfortably --

我可以等你， 等到你感到非常不舒服—

so if you could just raise your hand that would be awesome --

所以如果妳可以簡單誠實的舉起你的手，那會省事很多。

how many of you honestly,

你們當中有多少人，

when you're thinking about doing or saying something vulnerable

在想到要做，或是要說些一些

關於脆弱的事時

think, "God, vulnerability is weakness."

會覺得 「天啊，脆弱就等於懦弱。這就是懦弱？」

How many of you think of vulnerability and weakness synonymously?

在你們當中有多少人覺得脆弱跟懦弱是相似詞？

大多數的人都這麼覺得。

The majority of people.

現在我再問一個問題：

Now let me ask you this question:

This past week at TED,

過去一周在TED的講座，

how many of you, when you saw vulnerability up here,

在座當中有多少人，當你們看到脆弱感在台上被呈現時，

thought it was pure courage?

覺得那是一個很純粹的勇氣？

Vulnerability is not weakness.

脆弱不是懦弱。

I define vulnerability as emotional risk,

我會定義脆弱

是一個情緒上的風險，

exposure, uncertainty.

被暴露，以及不確定性。

It fuels our daily lives.

它推動著我們過每一天。

And I've come to the belief --

當我這麼相信的時候—

this is my 12th year doing this research --

那是我第12年在作這個研究—

that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage --

脆弱

是測量勇氣

最精準的量尺—

to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen,

勇敢的允許自己脆弱，

to be honest.

讓真實的自己被看見。

One of the weird things that's happened is, after the TED explosion,

有件很奇怪的事情發生，

在那次TED講座之後。

I got a lot of offers to speak all over the country --

我被邀請到全國各地方去演講—

everyone from schools and parent meetings

從學校，家長座談會

to Fortune 500 companies.

到擁有五百個員工的公司。

And so many of the calls went like this,

他們大多會在電話上說：

"Dr. Brown, we loved your TED talk.

Dr. Brown妳好，我們很喜歡你的TED演講，

We'd like you to come in and speak.

我們想要邀請你來跟我們分享。

We'd appreciate it

我們會很高興，

if you wouldn't mention vulnerability or shame."

如果你不會涉及到脆弱或是羞辱感。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

What would you like for me to talk about?

你希望我談些甚麼呢？

他們給我三個大的答案。

There's three big answers.

This is mostly, to be honest with you, from the business sector:

老實說，這是大多數的公司行號會選的：

innovation, creativity and change.

創新，創意，

還有改變。

(Laughter)

So let me go on the record and say,

讓我從我的經歷中

告訴你們吧

vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.

脆弱是

創新，創意，還有改變 誕生的地方。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

To create is to make something that has never existed before.

去創造ㄧ些

過去不存在的東西，

There's nothing more vulnerable than that.

沒有什麼比這個更脆弱的了。

Adaptability to change is all about vulnerability.

適應改變的能力

需要的全是勇氣。

第二件事，

The second thing,

in addition to really finally understanding

為了要完全瞭解

the relationship between vulnerability and courage,

脆弱和勇氣之間的關係，

the second thing I learned, is this:

我學到的第二件事是這個：

We have to talk about shame.

我們需要聊聊羞辱感。

And I'm going to be really honest with you.

我將會非常誠實的對你們說，

When I became a "vulnerability researcher"

當我成為那個“脆弱感研究者”，

and that became the focus because of the TED talk --

而成為關注的原因是因為TEDTalk—

and I'm not kidding.

我可沒有在開玩笑。

I'll give you an example.

讓我給你一個例子。

About three months ago, I was in a sporting goods store

大約三個月前，我在一個運動用品店

要買護目鏡和護腿板

buying goggles and shin guards

and all the things that parents buy at the sporting goods store.

和所有父母親會在運動用品店買的東西。

大約在ㄧ尺遠的距離，我聽見

About from a hundred feet away, this is what I hear:

"Vulnerability TED! Vulnerability TED!"

“脆弱感TED! 脆弱感TED!”

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

(Laughter ends)

I'm a fifth-generation Texan.

我是第五世代的德州人

Our family motto is "Lock and load."

我們家的格言是 “子彈上膛 (準備出擊)“

I am not a natural vulnerability researcher.

我並不是一個天生的脆弱感研究者。

So I'm like,

所以

just keep walking, she's on my six.

我就繼續走，

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And then I hear, "Vulnerability TED!"

然後我又聽到“脆弱感TED!”

I turn around, I go, "Hi."

我轉身，然後說 ：嗨。

She's right here and she said,

他就在我身旁然後說：

"You're the shame researcher who had the breakdown."

「你就是的個（在台上）崩潰的那個羞愧的研究者」

(Laughter)

(笑聲）

At this point, parents are, like, pulling their children close.

就在那個時候，

所有在場的父母都把小孩緊抓在她們身邊。

(Laughter)

"Look away."

「別去看她」

And I'm so worn out at this point in my life,

我那時的生活已經是精疲力盡了，

I look at her and I actually say,

所以我看著她然後說：

"It was a fricking spiritual awakening."

「那是個超讚的靈魂甦醒經驗！」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

(Applause)

（掌聲)

And she looks back and does this,

然後他看著我做這個

（ 眨眼）「我知道」

"I know."

(Laughter)

然後她說，

And she said,

「我們在我們的讀書會中看你的演講

"We watched your TED talk in my book club.

然後我們看你的書

Then we read your book and we renamed ourselves

我們改稱我們自己

'The Breakdown Babes.'"

"崩潰寶寶"

(Laughter)

And she said, "Our tagline is:

然後他說「我們的標語是：

'We're falling apart and it feels fantastic.'"

我們正在失敗然後這感覺超讚！」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

You can only imagine what it's like for me in a faculty meeting.

你們就可以想像

我在教職員會議中是怎麼樣被看待。

(Sighs)

So when I became Vulnerability TED,

所以當我變成脆弱感 TED，

就像一個動作片人物，

like an action figure --

Like Ninja Barbie, but I'm Vulnerability TED --

像忍者芭比，只是我的名字是脆弱感TED。

I thought, I'm going to leave that shame stuff behind,

我在想，這樣我就可以將羞辱感的事情拋在後頭，

because I spent six years studying shame

因為研究羞辱感

before I started writing and talking about vulnerability.

是我在研究脆弱感的六年前所作的。

And I thought, thank God, because shame is this horrible topic,

我在想，真是感謝上帝！因為羞辱感是一個超可怕的題目，

no one wants to talk about it.

沒有人會想要聊關於它的事。

It's the best way to shut people down on an airplane.

它是使人在飛機上閉嘴最好的方法。

"What do you do?" "I study shame." "Oh."

「你的職業是在做些什麼呢？」「我研究羞辱感。」「噢」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And I see you.

而且我可以看（穿）你。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But in surviving this last year,

但去年為了要活下來，

我被一個很基本的規則提醒著—

I was reminded of a cardinal rule --

not a research rule,

不是研究規則，

but a moral imperative from my upbringing --

而是在我成長過程中的

道德規則。

"you've got to dance with the one who brung ya".

就是要繼續作那些讓你成功的事。

And I did not learn about vulnerability

我並沒有從研究脆弱感中學到關於脆弱

and courage and creativity and innovation

關於勇氣，關於創意，關於創新

from studying vulnerability.

這些事。

I learned about these things from studying shame.

我是在研究羞辱感中

學到那些的。

And so I want to walk you in to shame.

所以我想要帶各位

了解羞辱感。

Jungian analysts call shame the swampland of the soul.

Jungian （心理學家）稱羞辱感為

“靈魂的沼澤地”。

And we're going to walk in.

我們現在要走進去。

And the purpose is not to walk in

我們的目的不是要走進去

and construct a home and live there.

然後去蓋一個房子住在那裡，

我們是要穿上橡膠鞋走進去

It is to put on some galoshes --

and walk through and find our way around.

穿進去並找到可以走了路。

這是因為：

Here's why.

We heard the most compelling call ever to have a conversation in this country,

在這個國家，我們都聽過這個迫切的呼籲

要彼此對話

and I think globally, around race, right?

我覺得全世界都是這樣，

一個環繞各個種族問題的對話，對嗎？

我們都聽過，

Yes? We heard that.

Yes?

對吧？

Cannot have that conversation without shame.

如果我們不提及羞辱感 我們就不能有這樣的對話 。

Because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege.

因為你ㄧ談論種族就不得不談到特權，

而當人們談到特權時，

And when people start talking about privilege,

they get paralyzed by shame.

他們就會因羞辱感而感到癱瘓。

We heard a brilliant simple solution to not killing people in surgery,

我們都聽過一個聰明又簡單的解答，

要降低在手術中殺人的機率

which is, have a checklist.

，就是準備一個核對清單。

你不可以解決這個問題卻不去處理羞辱感。

You can't fix that problem without addressing shame,

因為當他們要教那群人（醫生）如何縫合的時候，

because when they teach those folks how to suture,

they also teach them how to stitch their self-worth

他們得同時教導那些人如何縫合自我價值

to being all-powerful.

以至於能成為全能者。

And all-powerful folks don't need checklists.

而全能者是不需要核對清單的。

And I had to write down the name of this TED Fellow

我得寫下這個TED學者的名字，

so I didn't mess it up here.

所以我才不會搞錯。

Myshkin Ingawale，

Myshkin Ingawale,

我希望我的拼對。

I hope I did right by you.

(Applause)

（掌聲）

I saw the TED Fellows my first day here.

我第一天到這裡時看到了這位來自TED成員。

And he got up and he explained how he was driven to create

他站了起來，解釋他是如何

而被驅策去創造

some technology to help test for anemia,

一些技術來幫助檢測出貧血，

because people were dying unnecessarily.

以防止病人因為沒必要的因素死亡。

他說，「我看到這方面的需求，

And he said, "I saw this need.

So you know what I did? I made it."

所以，你知道我做了什麼？我做一個嘗試。」

And everybody just burst into applause, and they were like "Yes!"

然後全場的人都給予他掌聲，說太好了！

他接著說，「但它並沒有成功。

And he said, "And it didn't work.

(Laughter)

於是我又再試了32次，

And then I made it 32 more times,

and then it worked."

然後它才奏效。」

You know what the big secret about TED is?

你知道關於TED的大秘密是什麼？

我等不及要告訴人們這個

I can't wait to tell people this.

I guess I'm doing it right now.

我想我現在就這樣說吧。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

This is like the failure conference.

這裡就像是失敗者的研討會。

(Laughter)

不，這真的是。

No, it is.

(Applause)

（掌聲）

You know why this place is amazing?

你知道為什麼這個地方如此神奇嗎？

Because very few people here are afraid to fail.

因為在這裡

很少人會害怕失敗。

沒有一個站在這舞台上的人，據我所知道的， 是未曾失敗過的。

And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I've seen, has not failed.

I've failed miserably, many times.

我已經壯烈的失敗過很多次。

I don't think the world understands that,

我不認為這個世界可以理解這個道理 ，

because of shame.

是出於羞辱感。

There's a great quote that saved me this past year

在過去這一年，

Theodore Roosevelt 說的一句名言救了我。

by Theodore Roosevelt.

A lot of people refer to it as the "Man in the Arena" quote.

很多人把它作為“在競技場上的人”名言。

And it goes like this:

它是這樣說的：

"It is not the critic who counts.

「榮譽和功勞並不屬於那些評論家，

It is not the man who sits and points out

也不屬於那個只會坐在一旁，

how the doer of deeds could have done things better

教訓那些真正在做事的人，如何可以將事情更好，

and how he falls and stumbles.

並且高談他是如何跌倒的。

The credit goes to the man in the arena

這個榮譽是屬於在競技場上的那個人，

他們的臉上

whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat.

滿載著灰塵和血汗。

But when he's in the arena,

但是，當他在競技場上時，

他最多是贏的勝利，

at best, he wins,

然後在最壞的情況下，他會失敗。

and at worst, he loses,

but when he fails, when he loses,

但他面對失敗的時候，

he does so daring greatly."

他無所畏懼。」

對我而言，這就是這次會議的意義。

And that's what this conference, to me, is about.

Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena.

就是關乎生命的意義，

去做一個在競技場上無所畏懼的人。

When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door,

當你走進競技場，把你的手放在門上時，

and you think, "I'm going in and I'm going to try this,"

你會想，「我要進去，我要進去嘗試，」

恥辱像個小精靈

shame is the gremlin

who says, "Uh, uh.

在一旁說，

You're not good enough.

「嗯…你還不夠好，

You never finished that MBA. Your wife left you.

你從來沒有完成碩士學位，你的妻子離開你，

I know your dad really wasn't in Luxembourg,

我知道你爸不是真的住在盧森堡，

他是在Singsing (紐約監獄)，

he was in Sing Sing.

I know those things that happened to you growing up.

我知道那些在你成長時所發生的事情。

I know you don't think

我知道你認為你不夠漂亮，

that you're pretty, smart, talented or powerful enough.

不夠聰明，不夠有才華，不夠有勢力。

I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO."

我知道你爸爸從來沒有重視過你，甚至當你成為CFO的時候他也都沒有在意。」

Shame is that thing.

羞辱感就是這樣。

And if we can quiet it down and walk in

如果我們能安靜下來，

and say, "I'm going to do this,"

然後說，「我將會做到，」

we look up and the critic that we see pointing and laughing,

我們抬頭看，

那些在正在指指點點和嘲笑的評論者，

99 percent of the time is who?

發現 99％的時間

Us.

那些人就是我們。

Shame drives two big tapes --

恥辱伴隨著兩句話--

"never good enough" --

「永遠不夠好」，

and, if you can talk it out of that one,

如果你能自我說服那一點，

"who do you think you are?"

「“你以為你是誰？」

The thing to understand about shame is, it's not guilt.

了解羞恥是知道它並不是罪疚感。

羞辱感是關注於自身，內疚是關注於行為。

Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior.

Shame is "I am bad."

羞辱感是說「我不好。」

Guilt is "I did something bad."

罪疚的是：「我做了件不好的事。」

How many of you,

你們中間有多少人，

if you did something that was hurtful to me,

如果做了一件傷害我的事，對不起。我犯了一個錯誤。恥辱感會說：對不起。我是一個錯誤。

would be willing to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?"

會願意說，「我很抱歉，我犯了一個錯誤？」

你們有多少人會願意這麼說？

How many of you would be willing to say that?

Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake.

罪疚感會說：「對不起。我犯了一個錯誤。」

Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.

恥辱感會說：「對不起。我是一個錯誤。」

There's a huge difference between shame and guilt.

羞辱感和罪疚感之間有一個巨大的差異。

And here's what you need to know.

這是你所需要知道的：

Shame is highly, highly correlated

恥辱感和這些行為高度相關：

with addiction, depression, violence, aggression,

成癮，抑鬱症，暴力，侵略，

bullying, suicide, eating disorders.

罷凌，自殺，飲食失調 。

And here's what you even need to know more.

而更需要知道的是，

Guilt, inversely correlated with those things.

罪疚感，則正好相反。

The ability to hold something we've done or failed to do

用我們已經做過或已經做錯的事情，

來審視我們真正想要成為的樣子，

up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive.

這個能力是非常容易去適應的。

It's uncomfortable, but it's adaptive.

這會很不舒服，但它是可以被適應的。

The other thing you need to know about shame

關於羞辱感你還有一件事需要知道，

is it's absolutely organized by gender.

就是它完全按性別被導向的。

如果羞辱感衝上我和Chris的心房時，

If shame washes over me and washes over Chris,

那感覺都是一樣的。

it's going to feel the same.

Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame.

坐在這裡的每個人都知道那個滋味。

We're pretty sure that the only people who don't experience shame

我們可以很確定的說，唯一沒有體驗過羞辱感的人

是那些有沒有能力連結

are people who have no capacity for connection or empathy.

或沒有同理心的人。

這意味著，是的，我有一點點的恥辱感;

Which means, yes, I have a little shame;

沒有，我是一個反交際者。

no, I'm a sociopath.

So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame.

所以我認為，是的，你有一點點的恥辱感。

Shame feels the same for men and women,

男性和女性都對羞辱感有同樣的感覺，

but it's organized by gender.

但卻根據性別有不同的處理方式。

對於女人來說，

For women,

我可以給你最好的一個例子

the best example I can give you is Enjoli, the commercial.

是Enjoli(香水)的廣告：

在廣告裡

"I can put the wash on the line, pack the lunches, hand out the kisses

我可以邊打著電話邊洗碗，

準備午餐，親吻孩子的臉，

and be at work at five to nine.

然後從五點工作到九點，

回家時我會順道去買培根，把它放在鍋裡煎，

I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan

and never let you forget you're a man."

並且從不會讓你忘記你做男人的尊嚴。

For women, shame is, do it all,

對於女性來說，恥辱感是做這一切，

do it perfectly

把每件事做的完美，

and never let them see you sweat.

然後絕對不讓別人看到你流汗。

I don't know how much perfume that commercial sold,

我不知道這廣告最後賣了多少香水，

but I guarantee you,

但我向你保證，

it moved a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.

它省了很多抗抑鬱和抗憂鬱的藥。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Shame, for women, is this web

恥辱感，對女性來說， 就像是一張網，

of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations

這張網由不可實現的，衝突的，相互抵觸的期望所織成的，

那個在我們理想中自己應該變成的樣子。

about who we're supposed to be.

And it's a straight-jacket.

它也是一件緊身衣。

For men,

對於男人來說，

shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations.

羞辱感並不是一堆競爭和衝突的期望。

Shame is one,

羞辱感的是一個東西，

do not be perceived as what?

不要被視為什麼？

Weak.

懦弱。

I did not interview men for the first four years of my study.

我做研究的頭四年中都沒有採訪過男人。

It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said,

直到有一天在一場千書會後，有個男人看著我

對我說：「我很喜歡你談論關於羞恥感的觀點，

"I love what say about shame,

我很好奇，你為什麼不提及男性。」

I'm curious why you didn't mention men."

於是我說，「我不研究男人。」

And I said, "I don't study men."

And he said, "That's convenient."

他說，「這倒很省事啊。」

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

我說，「為什麼這麼說？」

And I said, "Why?"

And he said, "Because you say to reach out,

他說，「因為你說要走出去 ，

tell our story,

去說我們的經歷，

be vulnerable.

不掩飾脆弱。

But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?"

但是你看這些你剛剛

為我的妻子和三個女兒簽名的書」

我說：「是啊。」

I said, "Yeah."

「他們現在寧願看著我我騎在白馬死掉，

"They'd rather me die on top of my white horse

than watch me fall down.

而不願看我失誤落馬，

當我們選擇展示脆弱時，

When we reach out and be vulnerable,

we get the shit beat out of us.

我們會被人用亂拳打死。

而且別告訴我，

And don't tell me

it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads.

是教練啊或爸爸或這些男人們打的，

因為在我生命中的女人才是對我最殘忍的。」

Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."

所以我就開始採訪男人

So I started interviewing men and asking questions.

向他們提問。

And what I learned is this:

我所學到的就是：

You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man

你如果能給我一個女人，她可以在一個男人面前

in real vulnerability and fear,

顯露她真正的脆弱和恐懼，

那麼我就能給你找出一個能完成不可思議工作的女人。

I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work.

You show me a man who can sit with a woman

你如果能找到這樣一個男人，他可以陪在一個

who's just had it,

已經快要崩潰，

she can't do it all anymore,

再也無法承受更多的女人旁邊 ，

他的第一反應不會是，

and his first response is not,

「我把碗都洗好啦」

"I unloaded the dishwasher!"

(Laughter)

而是他能真切的聆聽 -

But he really listens --

because that's all we need --

因為這是我們所需要的 -

I'll show you a guy who's done a lot of work.

我就會為你照到一個真正會做很多事的男人。

羞恥感是我們文化中的一種流行病。

Shame is an epidemic in our culture.

And to get out from underneath it --

為了能脫離這個困境，

to find our way back to each other,

找到可以回到彼此身邊的路，

we have to understand how it affects us

我們必須了解它是如何影響我們

and how it affects the way we're parenting,

以及它是如何影響我們的教養方式，

the way we're working, the way we're looking at each other.

我們工作的方式 ，我們看待對方的方式。

Very quickly, some research by Mahalik at Boston College.

非常快的分享一些由波士頓學院Mahalik的研究成果。

He asked, what do women need to do to conform to female norms?

他提出一個問題，女性到底需要做些甚麼，才可以符合典型女性的標準？

The top answers in this country:

在這個國家排行前幾名的答案是：

nice, thin, modest

親切，瘦，謙虛，

and use all available resources for appearance.

以及使用所有可用的資源打理她們的外表。

(Laughter)

當他提問，

When he asked about men,

what do men in this country need to do to conform with male norms,

在這個國家的男人需要什麼做

才能符合典型男性的標準，

the answers were:

得到的答案是：

always show emotional control,

擁有要控制情緒，工作擺第一，

work is first,

追求地位和暴力。

pursue status and violence.

如果我們要找到可以回到彼此身邊的路，

If we're going to find our way back to each other,

we have to understand and know empathy,

我們要了解並且知道同理心，

because empathy's the antidote to shame.

因為同理心是辱感的解藥。

If you put shame in a Petri dish,

如果你把羞辱感放進培養皿中，

it needs three things to grow exponentially:

它需要三樣東西始它能成倍增長：

secrecy, silence and judgment.

保密，沉默和批判。

If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy,

如果你把相同數量的羞辱感放在培養皿中並且澆上同理心，

it can't survive.

它將無法生存。

The two most powerful words when we're in struggle:

爭執中我們最有力的三個字：

me too.

我也是。（我也有同感）

And so I'll leave you with this thought.

所以我想把這些想法留給大家。

如果我們想要找到

If we're going to find our way back to each other,

重拾彼此的方法，

vulnerability is going to be that path.

脆弱感將是那條路徑。

And I know it's seductive to stand outside the arena,

我知道站在競技場外面是很誘人的，

because I think I did it my whole life,

因為我覺得我一輩子都在這麼做，

and think to myself,

而且對自己說，

I'm going to go in there and kick some ass

我要去那裡擊敗他們，

when I'm bulletproof and when I'm perfect.

只要我預備好我已是刀槍不入和完美無暇時 。

這想法是很誘人的。

And that is seductive.

But the truth is, that never happens.

但事實是這永遠不會發生。

And even if you got as perfect as you could

而且即使你得已經盡可能的達到完美，

而且也把自己盡可能的裝備成刀槍不入，

and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster

當你進去的時候，

when you got in there,

that's not what we want to see.

那卻不是我們想要看到的。

We want you to go in.

我們只想要你進去。

We want to be with you and across from you.

我們希望能與你一起並且和你的面對面。

我們只是想要，

And we just want,

for ourselves and the people we care about

為我們自己，為我們在乎的人，

以及為與我們一起工作的人，

and the people we work with,

無所畏懼的爭戰。

to dare greatly.

So thank you all very much. I really appreciate it.

謝謝感謝大家。真的很感激。

(Applause)

（掌聲）