Listening to shame | Brené Brown | TED

Translator: Anna Tejedor Reviewer: Josep Maria Agustí

Us parlaré una mica de la meva xerrada a TEDxHouston.

L’endemà d’haver-la fet em vaig llevar

amb la pitjor ressaca de vulnerabilitat de la meva vida.

I'm going to tell you a little bit about my TEDxHouston Talk.

I woke up the morning after I gave that talk

De fet, no vaig sortir de casa en tres dies.

with the worst vulnerability hangover of my life.

El primer cop que vaig sortir va ser per anar a dinar amb una amiga.

And I actually didn't leave my house for about three days.

Quan vaig entrar, ella ja s’havia entaulat.

En veure’m, em va dir: “Caram, quina mala fila fas”.

The first time I left was to meet a friend for lunch.

Li vaig respondre: “Gràcies, em sento molt...

And when I walked in, she was already at the table.

No em sento gens bé”

Em va preguntar: “Què passa?”

I sat down, and she said, "God, you look like hell."

Li vaig dir: “Acabo d’explicar a 500 persones

I said, "Thanks. I feel really --

I'm not functioning."

que em vaig fer investigadora per evitar la vulnerabilitat

And she said, "What's going on?"

And I said, "I just told 500 people

i que quan les dades del meu estudi van mostrar que ser vulnerable

that I became a researcher to avoid vulnerability.

és essencial per viure amb sinceritat i entusiasme,

And that when being vulnerable emerged from my data,

els he dit que vaig patir una crisi nerviosa.

as absolutely essential to whole-hearted living,

Tenia una diapo que deia ‘Crisi’.

En quin moment vaig pensar que era una bona idea?”

I told these 500 people that I had a breakdown.

(Riures)

Em va dir: “Vaig veure la xerrada en directe.

I had a slide that said 'Breakdown.'

No eres tu realment.

At what point did I think that was a good idea?"

Era una mica diferent del que sols fer,

(Laughter)

però va ser genial”.

And she said, "I saw your talk live-streamed.

I jo li vaig respondre:

“Això no pot ser.

It was not really you.

Ho volen penjar a YouTube.

It was a little different than what you usually do.

I llavors ja seran unes 600 o 700 persones”.

But it was great."

And I said,

"This can't happen.

(Riures)

YouTube, they're putting this thing on YouTube.

And we're going to be talking about 600, 700 people."

I em va respondre: “Em sembla que ara ja és massa tard”.

Li vaig dir: “Deixa que et faci una pregunta”.

(Laughter)

I ella: “És clar”.

I jo: “Recordes quan érem a la universitat,

And she said, "Well, I think it's too late."

i érem esbojarrades i un pèl toixes?”

And I said, "Let me ask you something."

I ella: “Sí“.

I jo: “Recordes quan deixàvem un missatge terrible

And she said, "Yeah."

I said, "Do you remember when we were in college,

al contestador del nostre exnòvio

really wild and kind of dumb?"

i llavors ens havíem de colar a la seva habitació per esborrar-lo?”

She said, "Yeah."

I said, "Remember when we'd leave a really bad message

(Riures)

on our ex-boyfriend's answering machine?

I ella va respondre: “Em... no”.

Then we'd have to break into his dorm room and then erase the tape?"

(Riures)

És clar que arribat aquell punt només vaig poder dir:

(Laughter)

“Sí, jo tampoc”.

And she goes, "Uh... no."

“Sí, jo tampoc”.

(Laughter)

I jo m’anava dient:

Of course, the only thing I could say at that point was,

"Yeah, me neither.

“Què fas, Brené?

Per què has tret aquest tema?

Yeah -- me neither."

Que has perdut el seny?

And I'm thinking to myself,

Ho havies de dir a les teves germanes”.

(Riures)

"Brené, what are you doing?

Vaig aixecar la vista i va dir:

Why did you bring this up?

Have you lost your mind?

“De veritat intentaràs colar-t’hi i robar el vídeo

Your sisters would be perfect for this."

(Laughter)

So I looked back up and she said,

abans que el pengin a YouTube?”

(Riures)

"Are you really going to try to break in and steal the video

I jo: “Només ho estic rumiant”.

(Riures)

Em va dir: “Ets la pitjor model de vulnerabilitat del món”.

before they put it on YouTube?"

(Laughter)

And I said, "I'm just thinking about it a little bit."

(Riures)

(Laughter)

Me la vaig mirar i vaig dir una cosa

She said, "You're like the worst vulnerability role model ever."

que llavors va semblar un pèl dramàtica

però que va acabar sent més aviat profètica:

(Laughter)

Then I looked at her and I said something

“Si 500 es converteixen en 1.000

that at the time felt a little dramatic,

but ended up being more prophetic than dramatic.

o 2.000,

la meva vida se’n va en orris”.

"If 500 turns into 1,000

(Riures)

No tenia pla de contingència per quatre milions.

or 2,000,

(Riures)

my life is over."

(Laughter)

Sí que se’n va anar en orris, la meva vida.

I had no contingency plan for four million.

Potser la part més difícil de perdre la meva vida

(Laughter)

és que vaig aprendre una cosa bastant dura sobre mi mateixa,

And my life did end when that happened.

And maybe the hardest part about my life ending

i va ser que,

per molt que em frustrés

is that I learned something hard about myself,

no ser capaç de fer pública la meva feina,

una part de mi s’esforçava molt

and that was that,

per planejar quedar-se petita,

as much as I would be frustrated

about not being able to get my work out to the world,

i passar desapercebuda.

there was a part of me that was working very hard

Però vull parlar del que he après.

to engineer staying small,

Aquest últim any he après dues coses.

staying right under the radar.

La primera és:

But I want to talk about what I've learned.

vulnerabilitat no és sinònim de debilitat.

There's two things that I've learned in the last year.

I aquest mite és perillós del tot.

The first is:

vulnerability is not weakness.

Deixeu que us faci dues preguntes,

(i us aviso que

And that myth is profoundly dangerous.

tinc formació terapèutica,

o sigui que em puc esperar tanta estona com faci falta)

Si poguéssiu aixecar el braç seria genial.

Let me ask you honestly --

and I'll give you this warning,

Quants de vosaltres,

I'm trained as a therapist,

quan penseu a fer o dir una cosa vulnerable,

so I can out-wait you uncomfortably --

so if you could just raise your hand that would be awesome --

penseu: “Vulnerabilitat és debilitat”?

Quants considereu que vulnerabilitat i debilitat són sinònims?

how many of you honestly,

when you're thinking about doing or saying something vulnerable

La majoria.

think, "God, vulnerability is weakness."

Ara deixeu-me que us pregunti:

Aquesta setmana de conferències,

How many of you think of vulnerability and weakness synonymously?

quan heu vist vulnerabilitat a l’escenari,

The majority of people.

quants heu pensat que era coratge?

Now let me ask you this question:

This past week at TED,

La vulnerabilitat no és debilitat.

how many of you, when you saw vulnerability up here,

Jo defineixo vulnerabilitat com risc emocional,

thought it was pure courage?

revelació, incertesa.

Vulnerability is not weakness.

Alimenta el nostre dia a dia.

I define vulnerability as emotional risk,

I he arribat a la creença,

(i ja fa dotze anys que investigo el tema),

exposure, uncertainty.

que la vulnerabilitat és la manera més exacta de mesurar el coratge:

It fuels our daily lives.

And I've come to the belief --

this is my 12th year doing this research --

that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage --

ser vulnerables, deixar que ens vegin,

ser sincers.

Una cosa estranya que m’ha passat és que, després de l’èxit a TED,

to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen,

m’han arribat moltes ofertes per fer xerrades per tot el país,

to be honest.

des d’escoles i reunions de famílies

One of the weird things that's happened is, after the TED explosion,

fins a empreses de la llista Fortune 500.

I got a lot of offers to speak all over the country --

A moltes de les trucades em deien:

“Ens ha encantat la seva xerrada.

everyone from schools and parent meetings

Ens agradaria que vingués a fer-ne una.

to Fortune 500 companies.

Agrairíem que no parlés ni de vulnerabilitat ni de vergonya”.

And so many of the calls went like this,

(Riures)

"Dr. Brown, we loved your TED talk.

We'd like you to come in and speak.

We'd appreciate it

Doncs, de què voldríeu que parlés?

if you wouldn't mention vulnerability or shame."

(Laughter)

Hi ha tres grans respostes.

Francament, me les donen sobretot en el sector empresarial:

What would you like for me to talk about?

innovació, creativitat i canvi.

There's three big answers.

(Riures)

This is mostly, to be honest with you, from the business sector:

Deixeu-me afirmar que

innovation, creativity and change.

la vulnerabilitat és el bressol de la creació, la creativitat i el canvi.

(Laughter)

So let me go on the record and say,

(Aplaudiments)

vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.

(Applause)

Crear és fer una cosa que mai no ha existit.

No hi ha res més vulnerable.

To create is to make something that has never existed before.

Poder adaptar-se al canvi es basa en la vulnerabilitat.

La segona cosa,

There's nothing more vulnerable than that.

a més d’entendre d’una vegada

Adaptability to change is all about vulnerability.

la relació entre la vulnerabilitat i el coratge,

la segona cosa que he après és:

The second thing,

in addition to really finally understanding

hem de parlar de la vergonya.

the relationship between vulnerability and courage,

Seré molt sincera amb vosaltres.

the second thing I learned, is this:

Quan vaig esdevenir una “investigadora de la vulnerabilitat”

We have to talk about shame.

i això va passar a primer pla per la xerrada a TED...

And I'm going to be really honest with you.

i no ho dic en broma.

When I became a "vulnerability researcher"

Us posaré un exemple.

Fa uns tres mesos, era en una botiga d’esports

and that became the focus because of the TED talk --

buscant ulleres i canyelleres

and I'm not kidding.

i tot el que comprem els pares en una botiga d’esports.

I'll give you an example.

A uns quants metres de mi, sento que algú crida:

About three months ago, I was in a sporting goods store

“Vulnerabilitat TED! Vulnerabilitat TED!”

buying goggles and shin guards

and all the things that parents buy at the sporting goods store.

(Riures)

About from a hundred feet away, this is what I hear:

"Vulnerability TED! Vulnerability TED!"

(Fi dels rirues)

Soc de la cinquena generació d’una família de Texas.

(Laughter)

El nostre lema familiar és: “bloquejar i carregar”.

No soc una investigadora de la vulnerabilitat de naixement.

(Laughter ends)

I'm a fifth-generation Texan.

Per això em deia:

Our family motto is "Lock and load."

“continua caminant, et ve per darrere”.

I am not a natural vulnerability researcher.

(Riures)

I llavors sento: “Vulnerabilitat TED!”

So I'm like,

just keep walking, she's on my six.

Em giro i dic: “Hola”.

(Laughter)

La tinc aquí. Em diu:

And then I hear, "Vulnerability TED!"

“És la investigadora de la vergonya que va patir una crisi”.

I turn around, I go, "Hi."

(Riures)

She's right here and she said,

En aquest moment, els pares o mares agafen les criatures de la mà.

"You're the shame researcher who had the breakdown."

(Laughter)

(Riures)

“No us hi acosteu”.

At this point, parents are, like, pulling their children close.

I n’estic tan cansada, arribat aquest punt,

que me la miro i li deixo anar:

(Laughter)

"Look away."

“Va ser una punyetera revelació espiritual”.

(Riures)

And I'm so worn out at this point in my life,

(Aplaudiments)

I look at her and I actually say,

I em mira i em respon:

"It was a fricking spiritual awakening."

“Ho sé“.

(Riures)

(Laughter)

I em diu:

(Applause)

“Vam veure la teva xerrada al meu club de lectura.

And she looks back and does this,

Llavors ens vam llegir el teu llibre i ens hem rebatejat amb el nom de

"I know."

(Laughter)

And she said,

«Les noies en crisi»“.

"We watched your TED talk in my book club.

(Riures)

Va dir: “El nostre lema és:

Then we read your book and we renamed ourselves

«Ens estem ensorrant i és fantàstic»“.

'The Breakdown Babes.'"

(Riures)

(Laughter)

And she said, "Our tagline is:

Ja us podeu imaginar com em sento en una reunió de la universitat.

'We're falling apart and it feels fantastic.'"

(Sospira)

(Laughter)

Quan em vaig convertir en una Vulnerabilitat TED,

You can only imagine what it's like for me in a faculty meeting.

com si fos una nina,

(Sighs)

-igual que hi ha la Barbie Ninja, jo soc la Vulnerabilitat TED-

So when I became Vulnerability TED,

vaig pensar: “Deixaré enrere tot això de la vergonya”,

like an action figure --

perquè vaig passar sis anys estudiant la vergonya

Like Ninja Barbie, but I'm Vulnerability TED --

abans d’escriure sobre la vulnerabilitat i de parlar-ne.

I thought, I'm going to leave that shame stuff behind,

I vaig dir-me: “Millor, perquè la vergonya és un tema horrorós,

because I spent six years studying shame

i ningú en vol parlar”.

És la millor manera d’acabar ràpid una conversa.

before I started writing and talking about vulnerability.

“Tu què fas?” “Estudio la vergonya”. “Ah.”

And I thought, thank God, because shame is this horrible topic,

(Riures)

no one wants to talk about it.

“I et sé llegir”.

(Riures)

It's the best way to shut people down on an airplane.

"What do you do?" "I study shame." "Oh."

(Laughter)

Però per sobreviure aquest any,

And I see you.

(Laughter)

vaig recordar una norma sagrada.

No era una norma per investigar,

But in surviving this last year,

sinó que era un imperatiu moral fruit de la meva educació:

I was reminded of a cardinal rule --

“has de ballar amb qui t’ha portat al ball”.

not a research rule,

No vaig aprendre coses sobre la vulnerabilitat

but a moral imperative from my upbringing --

i el coratge i la creativitat i la innovació

"you've got to dance with the one who brung ya".

estudiant la vulnerabilitat.

And I did not learn about vulnerability

Ho vaig fer estudiant la vergonya.

and courage and creativity and innovation

Per això vull que ens endinsem en la vergonya.

from studying vulnerability.

I learned about these things from studying shame.

Els seguidors de Jung anomenen la vergonya el pantà de l’ànima.

And so I want to walk you in to shame.

I nosaltres ens hi endinsarem.

L’objectiu no és endinsar-nos-hi

Jungian analysts call shame the swampland of the soul.

per fer-nos-hi una caseta i viure-hi.

És calçar-nos unes botes de goma

And we're going to walk in.

And the purpose is not to walk in

i caminar-hi i saber moure’ns-hi.

and construct a home and live there.

It is to put on some galoshes --

Ara us diré per què.

and walk through and find our way around.

Ara més que mai hem sentit la necessitat en aquest país,

Here's why.

i crec que arreu del món, de parlar de la raça, oi?

We heard the most compelling call ever to have a conversation in this country,

Oi? L’hem sentida.

Oi?

No podem tenir aquesta conversa sense la vergonya.

and I think globally, around race, right?

Perquè no podem parlar de raça sense parlar de privilegis.

Yes? We heard that.

Yes?

I quan la gent parla de privilegis,

Cannot have that conversation without shame.

la vergonya els paralitza.

Because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege.

Hem vist una solució genial i fàcil per no matar la gent al quiròfan:

And when people start talking about privilege,

les llistes de verificació.

they get paralyzed by shame.

No es pot solucionar això sense parlar de la vergonya,

We heard a brilliant simple solution to not killing people in surgery,

perquè quan ensenyen a aquestes persones a suturar,

which is, have a checklist.

també els ensenyen a suturar la seva autoestima

You can't fix that problem without addressing shame,

al fet de ser totpoderoses.

because when they teach those folks how to suture,

I les persones totpoderoses no necessiten aquestes llistes.

they also teach them how to stitch their self-worth

M’he hagut d’anotar el nom d’aquest company de TED

to being all-powerful.

per no equivocar-me.

And all-powerful folks don't need checklists.

Myshkin Ingawale,

espero haver-te fet justícia.

And I had to write down the name of this TED Fellow

(Aplaudiments)

so I didn't mess it up here.

Vaig escoltar altres companys de TED.

Myshkin Ingawale,

I Ingawale va explicar què l’havia portat a crear

I hope I did right by you.

(Applause)

algun invent que ajudés a detectar l’anèmia,

perquè la gent en moria sense necessitat.

I saw the TED Fellows my first day here.

And he got up and he explained how he was driven to create

Va dir: “Vaig veure que calia.

I sabeu què vaig fer? Crear-lo”.

some technology to help test for anemia,

I tothom el va començar a aplaudir i feia cara de “Sí!”

because people were dying unnecessarily.

I va dir: “I no va funcionar”.

And he said, "I saw this need.

(Riures)

So you know what I did? I made it."

“I llavors en vaig fer 32 més

And everybody just burst into applause, and they were like "Yes!"

fins que va funcionar”.

And he said, "And it didn't work.

Sabeu quin és el gran secret de TED?

(Laughter)

No em puc estar d’explicar-lo.

And then I made it 32 more times,

Suposo que ara ho estic fent.

(Riures)

and then it worked."

Això és la conferència del fracàs.

You know what the big secret about TED is?

(Riures)

I can't wait to tell people this.

No, de debò.

I guess I'm doing it right now.

(Aplaudiments)

(Laughter)

Sabeu per què aquest lloc és insòlit?

This is like the failure conference.

(Laughter)

Perquè molt poca gent té por de fracassar.

No, it is.

(Applause)

No he vist cap persona aquí dalt que no hagi fracassat.

You know why this place is amazing?

Because very few people here are afraid to fail.

Jo he fracassat estrepitosament, molts cops.

No crec que la gent ho entengui,

And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I've seen, has not failed.

per culpa de la vergonya.

I've failed miserably, many times.

Hi ha una citació genial de Theodore Roosevelt

que m’ha salvat aquest any.

I don't think the world understands that,

Molta gent s’hi refereix com la citació de “L’home de l’estadi”.

because of shame.

There's a great quote that saved me this past year

Diu així:

“No és el crític qui importa.

by Theodore Roosevelt.

A lot of people refer to it as the "Man in the Arena" quote.

Ni aquell que s’asseu i indica

com qui fa l’acció podria haver-ho fet millor

And it goes like this:

i assenyala com fracassa i s’equivoca.

"It is not the critic who counts.

El mèrit és per a l’home a l’estadi,

It is not the man who sits and points out

amb el rostre brut de pols i de sang i de suor.

how the doer of deeds could have done things better

and how he falls and stumbles.

The credit goes to the man in the arena

Però quan és a l’estadi,

en el millor dels casos, guanya,

whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat.

i en el pitjor, perd,

però quan fracassa, quan perd,

But when he's in the arena,

ho fa atrevint-se sense por”.

at best, he wins,

I això és el que és, per a mi, aquesta conferència.

and at worst, he loses,

but when he fails, when he loses,

La vida consisteix a atrevir-se molt, a entrar a l’escenari

he does so daring greatly."

Quan t’hi acostes i poses la mà a la porta

And that's what this conference, to me, is about.

i penses: “entraré i ho intentaré”,

Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena.

la vergonya és el gremlin

que diu: ”Ni parlar-ne,

When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door,

no ets prou bo.

and you think, "I'm going in and I'm going to try this,"

No vas acabar aquell màster. La teva dona et va deixar.

shame is the gremlin

Sé que el teu pare no era pas a Luxemburg,

who says, "Uh, uh.

sinó a la presó.

You're not good enough.

You never finished that MBA. Your wife left you.

Sé tot el que has viscut al llarg de la infància.

I know your dad really wasn't in Luxembourg,

Sé que no penses

que ets prou guapa, llesta, hàbil o poderosa.

he was in Sing Sing.

Sé que el teu pare no et feia cas, ni quan et van fer cap de finances”.

I know those things that happened to you growing up.

I know you don't think

La vergonya és això.

that you're pretty, smart, talented or powerful enough.

I si la podem fer callar i entrar

I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO."

i dir: “Ho faré“,

Shame is that thing.

aixequem la vista, i qui és el crític que ens assenyala i riu

And if we can quiet it down and walk in

el 99 % de cops?

and say, "I'm going to do this,"

Nosaltres.

we look up and the critic that we see pointing and laughing,

La vergonya fa servir dues cintes:

la de “no ets prou bo”

99 percent of the time is who?

i, si l’aconsegueixes superar,

Us.

la de “qui et penses que ets?“.

Shame drives two big tapes --

Cal entendre que la vergonya no és culpa.

"never good enough" --

and, if you can talk it out of that one,

La vergonya es basa en la persona; la culpa, en l’acció.

"who do you think you are?"

La vergonya és “soc dolent”.

La culpa: “he fet una cosa dolenta”.

The thing to understand about shame is, it's not guilt.

Quants de vosaltres,

Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior.

si féssiu una cosa que em fes mal,

Shame is "I am bad."

em diríeu: “Em sap greu. M’he equivocat”?

Guilt is "I did something bad."

Quants estaríeu disposats a dir això?

How many of you,

Culpa: Perdó. He comès un error.

if you did something that was hurtful to me,

Vergonya: Perdó. Soc un error.

would be willing to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?"

How many of you would be willing to say that?

Hi ha una gran diferència entre la vergonya i la culpa.

Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake.

Vet aquí el que necessiteu saber:

Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.

La vergonya està estretament relacionada

amb l’addicció, la depressió, la violència, l’agressivitat,

There's a huge difference between shame and guilt.

And here's what you need to know.

l’assetjament, el suïcidi, els trastorns alimentaris.

Shame is highly, highly correlated

Heus aquí el que és més vital que sapigueu:

with addiction, depression, violence, aggression,

La culpa està inversament relacionada amb aquestes coses.

bullying, suicide, eating disorders.

La capacitat de comparar una cosa que hem fet o deixat de fer

And here's what you even need to know more.

Guilt, inversely correlated with those things.

amb la persona que volem ser és increïblement adaptativa.

És incòmoda, però adaptativa.

The ability to hold something we've done or failed to do

up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive.

També heu de saber que la vergonya

It's uncomfortable, but it's adaptive.

s’organitza sens dubte segons el gènere.

Si la vergonya ens inunda tant a mi com al Chris,

The other thing you need to know about shame

ens sentirem igual.

is it's absolutely organized by gender.

Tot el públic coneix l’onada de la vergonya.

If shame washes over me and washes over Chris,

Estem bastant segurs que les úniques persones que no la senten

it's going to feel the same.

són les que no poden connectar o sentir empatia.

Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame.

Això vol dir: “sí, tinc vergonya”

We're pretty sure that the only people who don't experience shame

no: “soc un sociòpata”.

Jo triaria el “sí, tinc una mica de vergonya”.

are people who have no capacity for connection or empathy.

Which means, yes, I have a little shame;

Homes i dones senten la vergonya igual,

no, I'm a sociopath.

So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame.

però s’organitza en gèneres.

Per a les dones,

el millor exemple és l’anunci de colònia d’Enjoli.

Shame feels the same for men and women,

but it's organized by gender.

“Puc posar la roba a estendre, fer el dinar, repartir petons

For women,

the best example I can give you is Enjoli, the commercial.

i ser a la feina de cinc a nou.

Puc portar la pasta a casa, posar-la a bullir

"I can put the wash on the line, pack the lunches, hand out the kisses

i no deixar que t’oblidis que ets un home”.

and be at work at five to nine.

Per a les dones, la vergonya és “fes-ho tot,

fes-ho perfecte

I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan

i que no et vegin suar”.

and never let you forget you're a man."

No sé quant perfum va vendre aquell anunci,

For women, shame is, do it all,

però us asseguro que

do it perfectly

va fer gastar molts antidepressius i ansiolítics.

and never let them see you sweat.

(Riures)

I don't know how much perfume that commercial sold,

but I guarantee you,

La vergonya, per a les dones,

it moved a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.

és aquesta xarxa d’expectatives inassequibles, conflictives i antagòniques

(Laughter)

de qui se suposa que hem de ser.

Shame, for women, is this web

I és com una camisa de força.

of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations

Per als homes,

la vergonya no és un conjunt d’expectatives contradictòries.

about who we're supposed to be.

La vergonya és una cosa:

And it's a straight-jacket.

que no et vegin com?

For men,

Dèbil.

shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations.

Durant els primers quatre anys de recerca, no vaig entrevistar homes.

Shame is one,

Fins que un home em va dir després d’una firma de llibres:

do not be perceived as what?

“M’encanta el que diu de la vergonya,

Weak.

però per què no parla dels homes?”

I did not interview men for the first four years of my study.

Li vaig dir: “No investigo homes”.

It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said,

I em va dir: “Ja va bé”.

"I love what say about shame,

(Riures)

I'm curious why you didn't mention men."

Li vaig dir: “Per què?”

And I said, "I don't study men."

Em va dir: “Perquè diu que ens obrim,

And he said, "That's convenient."

que expliquem la nostra història,

(Laughter)

que siguem vulnerables.

And I said, "Why?"

Però veu els llibres que ha signat per a la meva dona i les meves filles?

And he said, "Because you say to reach out,

tell our story,

Vaig dir que sí.

be vulnerable.

“Preferirien que morís muntant a cavall

But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?"

abans que veure’m caure.

Quan ens obrim i som vulnerables,

I said, "Yeah."

ens foten d’hòsties.

"They'd rather me die on top of my white horse

than watch me fall down.

I no em digui

que són els nois i els entrenadors i els pares.

When we reach out and be vulnerable,

we get the shit beat out of us.

Perquè no hi ha ningú més sever amb mi que les dones que conec”.

And don't tell me

it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads.

Vaig començar a entrevistar homes i a fer preguntes.

I el que vaig aprendre és això:

Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."

Ensenyeu-me una dona capaç d’asseure’s amb un home

So I started interviewing men and asking questions.

que senti vulnerabilitat i por,

i veureu una dona que ha fet una feina increïble.

And what I learned is this:

Ensenyeu-me un home capaç d’asseure’s amb una dona

You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man

in real vulnerability and fear,

que ja n’ha tingut prou,

que ja no pot fer-ho tot,

I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work.

i que la seva resposta no sigui:

You show me a man who can sit with a woman

“He desparat el rentaplats!”

who's just had it,

she can't do it all anymore,

(Riures)

Però l’home que l’escolti de veritat,

perquè és tot el que ens cal,

and his first response is not,

aquell home sí que ha fet molta feina.

"I unloaded the dishwasher!"

La vergonya és una epidèmia en la nostra cultura.

(Laughter)

But he really listens --

because that's all we need --

I per sortir-ne,

I'll show you a guy who's done a lot of work.

Shame is an epidemic in our culture.

per trobar el camí per tornar a estar connectats,

hem d’entendre com ens afecta

And to get out from underneath it --

i com afecta la manera d’educar els fills,

la manera de treballar, de mirar-nos uns als altres.

to find our way back to each other,

we have to understand how it affects us

Molt ràpid: la investigació de Mahalik al Boston College.

and how it affects the way we're parenting,

Va preguntar: les dones, què han de fer per ajustar-se a l’estàndard?

the way we're working, the way we're looking at each other.

Les respostes més comunes al país van ser:

Very quickly, some research by Mahalik at Boston College.

simpàtica, prima, discreta

He asked, what do women need to do to conform to female norms?

i fer servir tot el que pugui per cuidar el físic.

(Riures)

The top answers in this country:

En el cas dels homes,

què han de fer per ajustar-se a l’estàndard masculí,

nice, thin, modest

and use all available resources for appearance.

les respostes van ser:

(Laughter)

mostrar sempre control emocional,

When he asked about men,

what do men in this country need to do to conform with male norms,

la feina és prioritària,

buscar estatus i violència.

the answers were:

Si estem disposats a retrobar-nos,

always show emotional control,

hem d’entendre l’empatia i conèixer-la,

work is first,

perquè és l’antídot contra la vergonya.

pursue status and violence.

Si posem la vergonya en una placa de Petri,

If we're going to find our way back to each other,

necessita tres coses per créixer exponencialment:

we have to understand and know empathy,

secretisme, silenci i judicis.

because empathy's the antidote to shame.

Si hi posem la mateixa quantitat, però l’amarem amb empatia,

If you put shame in a Petri dish,

it needs three things to grow exponentially:

no pot sobreviure.

Les dues paraules més poderoses per a quan passem temps difícils:

secrecy, silence and judgment.

If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy,

jo també.

I us dic adéu amb aquesta reflexió.

it can't survive.

The two most powerful words when we're in struggle:

Si volem tornar a estar connectats,

me too.

la vulnerabilitat és el camí que hem de seguir.

And so I'll leave you with this thought.

Sé que ens sedueix l’opció de no entrar a l’escenari,

If we're going to find our way back to each other,

perquè crec que l’he triat sempre,

vulnerability is going to be that path.

i de pensar:

“Hi entraré i demostraré el que sé fer

And I know it's seductive to stand outside the arena,

quan sigui indestructible i perfecte”.

because I think I did it my whole life,

and think to myself,

I és temptador.

Però la veritat és que no passa mai, això.

I'm going to go in there and kick some ass

when I'm bulletproof and when I'm perfect.

I encara que fóssiu tan perfectes

i tan indestructibles com us fos possible

And that is seductive.

But the truth is, that never happens.

quan hi entréssiu,

això no és el que volem veure.

And even if you got as perfect as you could

Volem que hi entreu.

and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster

when you got in there,

Volem estar amb vosaltres i davant vostre.

that's not what we want to see.

I tan sols volem,

We want you to go in.

per a nosaltres i per a la gent que ens importa,

i per a la gent amb qui treballem,

We want to be with you and across from you.

que s’atreveixin sense por.

Moltes gràcies a tothom. Us ho agraeixo molt.

And we just want,

for ourselves and the people we care about

(Aplaudiments)

and the people we work with,

to dare greatly.

So thank you all very much. I really appreciate it.

(Applause)