The voices in my head | Eleanor Longden

翻译人员: Samson Zhong 校对人员: hanjingjing瀚菁菁 pu蒲

The day I left home for the first time

我第一次离家到大学念书的那天

to go to university was a bright day

感觉棒呆了!

brimming with hope and optimism.

日子充满希望

I'd done well at school. Expectations for me were high,

我学业表现不错，大家对我期望颇高

and I gleefully entered the student life

我也满怀期待地投入大学生活

of lectures, parties and traffic cone theft.

上课、参加派对,喝醉了偷交通路标.

Now appearances, of course, can be deceptive,

当然,事情不能只看表面

and to an extent, this feisty, energetic persona

就某种程度而言，上课和偷交通路标

of lecture-going and traffic cone stealing was a veneer,

这些活跃又不服输的印象只是伪装

albeit a very well-crafted and convincing one.

但掩饰得很好，足以瞒过任何人

Underneath, I was actually deeply unhappy, insecure

只是我内心其实不快乐而且不安

and fundamentally frightened --

骨子里很害怕……

frightened of other people, of the future, of failure

怕其他人、未来，怕失败

and of the emptiness that I felt was within me.

还有内心的空虚感

But I was skilled at hiding it, and from the outside

但我隐藏得很好!

appeared to be someone with everything to hope for

外表看来就像是对一切都充满期待

and aspire to.

与抱负

This fantasy of invulnerability was so complete

甚么都不怕的想法是如此彻底

that I even deceived myself,

连我自己都信以为真

and as the first semester ended and the second began,

所以念完一学期；而新学期开始的时候

there was no way that anyone could have predicted

根本没人能预料

what was just about to happen.

将要发生的事

I was leaving a seminar when it started,

当时已开始上课而我正要逃学

humming to myself, fumbling with my bag

我边哼歌边收拾东西

just as I'd done a hundred times before,

动作一如往常熟练

when suddenly I heard a voice calmly observe,

这时传来一个冷眼旁观的声音

"She is leaving the room."

「她要走了」

I looked around, and there was no one there,

我四下张望，但根本没人

but the clarity and decisiveness of the comment

那声音听来果断清晰

was unmistakable.

不可能是我听错

Shaken, I left my books on the stairs and hurried home,

我太震惊了，连忘在阶梯上的书都没拿

and there it was again.

就冲回家，但那声音又来了!

"She is opening the door."

「她正要开门」

This was the beginning. The voice had arrived.

[就是这样开始的]:这个声音在我耳边响起

And the voice persisted,

并且持续不断

days and then weeks of it, on and on,

每天每星期地重复

narrating everything I did in the third person.

以旁观者的语气叙述我作的事

"She is going to the library."

「她要上图馆了」

"She is going to a lecture."

「她要去上课了」

It was neutral, impassive and even, after a while,

这声音起初毫无感情，但一段时间后

strangely companionate and reassuring,

却令人莫名熟悉与安慰

although I did notice that its calm exterior sometimes slipped

但我的确发现，这表面平静的语调

and that it occasionally mirrored my own unexpressed emotion.

有时也会不经意地泄漏我隐藏的情绪

So, for example, if I was angry and had to hide it,

就拿我常需要压抑愤怒这事来说吧!

which I often did, being very adept at concealing how I really felt,

隐藏情绪这事我很在行的

then the voice would sound frustrated.

不过那声音就会因此听起来很气馁

Otherwise, it was neither sinister nor disturbing,

但其他时候，听来还不致令人不安

although even at that point it was clear

尽管这声音当时很明显地

that it had something to communicate to me

有事要对我说

about my emotions, particularly emotions

尤其是我的情绪

which were remote and inaccessible.

始终深藏不露的这件事

Now it was then that I made a fatal mistake,

就在那时我犯了一个大错

in that I told a friend about the voice, and she was horrified.

我把听到声音的说给一位朋友听，她吓坏了!

A subtle conditioning process had begun,

她开始不着痕迹地导正我

the implication that normal people don't hear voices

暗示幻听不是正常现象

and the fact that I did meant that something was very seriously wrong.

而且我自己也觉得很不对劲

Such fear and mistrust was infectious.

这样的恐惧和疑虑是会传染的

Suddenly the voice didn't seem quite so benign anymore,

忽然那声音听来不再那么友善

and when she insisted that I seek medical attention,

当她坚持我必须去看医生

I duly complied, and which proved to be

我顺从地照做，但事后证明

mistake number two.

又错了!

I spent some time telling the college G.P.

之后我找校医谈

about what I perceived to be the real problem:

说出我担忧的问题

像是焦虑、没自信和对未来恐惧

anxiety, low self-worth, fears about the future,

and was met with bored indifference

但对方没什么兴趣，也不在乎

until I mentioned the voice,

但当我一提到，听见有人说话这件事

upon which he dropped his pen, swung round

他立刻放下手中的笔，转过头来

and began to question me with a show of real interest.

开始很关心地问了一些问题

And to be fair, I was desperate for interest and help,

平心而论，我当时非常渴望关切和帮助

and I began to tell him about my strange commentator.

所以我就把有一位「评论员」的事说出来了

And I always wish, at this point, the voice had said,

我深信当时那声音会说

「她在自掘坟墓」

"She is digging her own grave."

I was referred to a psychiatrist, who likewise

我被转介给精神科医生

took a grim view of the voice's presence,

有声音这件事被很严肃地看待

subsequently interpreting everything I said

所以接着我所说的一切

都被当作精神异常的可能征兆

through a lens of latent insanity.

For example, I was part of a student TV station

比方说，我们学校有新闻电视台

that broadcast news bulletins around the campus,

而我是成员之一

and during an appointment which was running very late,

有一次会面的时间太久

I said, "I'm sorry, doctor, I've got to go.

我说:「医生，抱歉我得走了!」

I'm reading the news at six."

「我还要回去报6点的新闻」

Now it's down on my medical records that Eleanor

结果诊断书上说我

幻想自已是电视新闻主播

has delusions that she's a television news broadcaster.

It was at this point that events began

从此事情发展

to rapidly overtake me.

迅速超出我所能掌控

A hospital admission followed, the first of many,

就在我住院后

a diagnosis of schizophrenia came next,

精神分裂的诊断也一一确定了

and then, worst of all, a toxic, tormenting sense

最糟的是，那种不抱希望、屈辱

of hopelessness, humiliation and despair

还有对自己和前途绝望的折磨

about myself and my prospects.

令人痛苦不堪

But having been encouraged to see the voice

因为一直被灌输这个观念

not as an experience but as a symptom,

听到怪声音不是一种经验，是有病

my fear and resistance towards it intensified.

我对此的恐惧和抗拒也与日俱增

Now essentially, this represented taking

本质上，这等于要我

an aggressive stance towards my own mind,

与自己的思想为敌

a kind of psychic civil war,

就像是心灵内战

and in turn this caused the number of voices to increase

结果我听到的怪声音反而变多了

and grow progressively hostile and menacing.

且逐渐衍生出敌意

Helplessly and hopelessly, I began to retreat

感到绝望又无助的我

into this nightmarish inner world

便自我封闭于噩梦般的内心世界

in which the voices were destined to become

而那些声音便成了其中

both my persecutors and my only perceived companions.

我唯一的伙伴及加害者

They told me, for example, that if I proved myself worthy

那些声音告诉我，如果我能证明

of their help, then they could change my life

自己值得他们帮助，那么

back to how it had been,

他们可让我的人生回到原来的样子

and a series of increasingly bizarre tasks was set,

而一连串怪异的任务于焉展开

a kind of labor of Hercules.

都不是容易应付的那种

It started off quite small, for example,

刚开始还只是小意思

pull out three strands of hair,

像是拔下3搓头发

but gradually it grew more extreme,

但逐渐变本加厉

culminating in commands to harm myself,

最后要我做一些伤害自己的事

and a particularly dramatic instruction:

还有一些蛮夸张的指示

"You see that tutor over there?

「看见那助教没?」

You see that glass of water?

「有一杯水对吧?」

Well, you have to go over and pour it over him in front of the other students."

「我要妳过去在其他学生面前，把水倒在他头上」

Which I actually did, and which needless to say

我真的照做了! 当然不用说

did not endear me to the faculty.

我也成为教职员眼中的头痛人物

In effect, a vicious cycle of fear, avoidance,

事实上，恐惧、回避

mistrust and misunderstanding had been established,

猜忌和误解的恶性循环已经形成

and this was a battle in which I felt powerless

但我无力抗拒

and incapable of establishing any kind of peace or reconciliation.

也无法妥协或平静下来

Two years later, and the deterioration was dramatic.

2年后，情况急遽转坏

By now, I had the whole frenzied repertoire:

这期间我经历过各种怪事

terrifying voices, grotesque visions,

令人害怕的声音，丑陋的影像

bizarre, intractable delusions.

莫名的怪异幻象

My mental health status had been a catalyst

而我的心理状态

for discrimination, verbal abuse,

让我饱受歧视与言词羞辱

and physical and sexual assault,

甚至被攻击和性侵

and I'd been told by my psychiatrist,

我的心理医生还曾告诉我

"Eleanor, you'd be better off with cancer,

「Eleanor, 妳若是得癌症还比较好」

because cancer is easier to cure than schizophrenia."

「精神分裂还比较难治!」

I'd been diagnosed, drugged and discarded,

经过诊断、用药，然后被遗弃

and was by now so tormented by the voices

深受那些声音所苦

that I attempted to drill a hole in my head

让我一度想在头上开个洞

in order to get them out.

好把那些声音赶出去

Now looking back on the wreckage and despair of those years,

回首这些年的千疮百孔

it seems to me now as if someone died in that place,

看来就像有人陨殁

and yet, someone else was saved.

但另一个人却获救

A broken and haunted person began that journey,

起初那个伤痕累累又不安的人

but the person who emerged was a survivor

已褪变为一个救星

and would ultimately grow into the person

最后变成

I was destined to be.

命中注定的样子

Many people have harmed me in my life,

我这一生被许多人伤害过

and I remember them all,

而且我都记得

but the memories grow pale and faint

但相较于受人恩惠

in comparison with the people who've helped me.

那些不堪回首的事就显得依稀模糊了

The fellow survivors, the fellow voice-hearers,

那些同病相怜的过来人、

the comrades and collaborators;

朋友和伙伴

the mother who never gave up on me,

还有对我从未放弃希望的母亲

who knew that one day I would come back to her

她知道女儿总有一天会恢复

and was willing to wait for me for as long as it took;

而她愿意一直等下去

the doctor who only worked with me for a brief time

那位和我萍水相逢的医生

but who reinforced his belief that recovery

不仅坚信我有可能康复

was not only possible but inevitable,

而且一定会康复.

and during a devastating period of relapse

在我病情不断复发，令人心力憔悴的那段时间

told my terrified family, "Don't give up hope.

他告诉我的家人:「别放弃希望!

I believe that Eleanor can get through this.

「我相信Eleanor能捱过这关!」

Sometimes, you know, it snows as late as May,

「有时候5月天也会下雪」

but summer always comes eventually."

「但夏天终究会来!」

Fourteen minutes is not enough time

14分钟的时间其实不够我去感谢

to fully credit those good and generous people

那些拉我一把的好人

who fought with me and for me

有人与我并肩作战，为我挺身而出

and who waited to welcome me back

还有人盼着我

from that agonized, lonely place.

从孤独沉痛中恢复过来

But together, they forged a blend of courage,

但他们共同造就的勇气

creativity, integrity, and an unshakeable belief

创造力、诚信和坚定信念

that my shattered self could become healed and whole.

让原来支离破碎的我，得以找回完整的自己

I used to say that these people saved me,

我曾说这些人救了我

but what I now know is they did something

但我现在才明白

even more important in that they empowered me

是他们让我有力量

to save myself,

拯救自己

and crucially, they helped me to understand something

更重要的是，他们让我了解

which I'd always suspected:

一件我过去始终不确定的事

that my voices were a meaningful response

我所听见的那些声音，其实是以有意义的方式

to traumatic life events, particularly childhood events,

响应过去的伤痛，尤其是我的童年

and as such were not my enemies

这样说来，我们不应彼此为敌

but a source of insight into solvable emotional problems.

是这些声音让我看清那些并非无解的情绪问题

Now, at first, this was very difficult to believe,

起初这很难去相信

not least because the voices appeared so hostile

不只因为那些声音好像不怀好意

and menacing, so in this respect, a vital first step

既然如此，首要步骤就是

was learning to separate out a metaphorical meaning

学着从我原本理解的表象中

from what I'd previously interpreted to be a literal truth.

找到其中的隐含的意义

So for example, voices which threatened to attack my home

举例来说，那些声音曾威胁要袭击我家

I learned to interpret as my own sense of fear

那时我习惯以自身的恐惧感和不安来解读事情

and insecurity in the world, rather than an actual, objective danger.

而非真正具体的危险

Now at first, I would have believed them.

刚开始我信以为真

I remember, for example, sitting up one night

还记得有一次我彻夜不眠

on guard outside my parents' room to protect them

守在我爸妈房门前

from what I thought was a genuine threat from the voices.

提防我认为那些声音很可能带来的威胁

Because I'd had such a bad problem with self-injury

因为在那之前我自残过好几次

that most of the cutlery in the house had been hidden,

所以家里大部分的餐具都被藏起来

so I ended up arming myself with a plastic fork,

最后我拿一支塑料叉当武器

kind of like picnic ware, and sort of sat outside the room

就是那种野餐用的，然后坐在门外

把叉子夹在腋下高度戒备

clutching it and waiting to spring into action should anything happen.

It was like, "Don't mess with me.

那情形就像说:「别惹我!」

I've got a plastic fork, don't you know?"

「你不知道我有武器吗?」

Strategic.

这是我用的战术

But a later response, and much more useful,

但我随后的反应比较有效

would be to try and deconstruct the message behind the words,

我尝试拆解言外之意

so when the voices warned me not to leave the house,

所以当声音警告我不要出门

then I would thank them for drawing my attention

我会谢谢他们的提醒

to how unsafe I felt --

让我注意到自己多缺乏安全感

because if I was aware of it, then I could do something positive about it --

因有这份认知，我就可以积极面对问题

but go on to reassure both them and myself

安抚自己及那些声音

that we were safe and didn't need to feel frightened anymore.

我们很安全，用不着害怕

I would set boundaries for the voices,

我会与「他们」划清界线

and try to interact with them in a way that was assertive

试着以坚决的态度与他们沟通

但保持尊重

yet respectful, establishing a slow process

of communication and collaboration

并放缓沟通及合作的过程

in which we could learn to work together and support one another.

这样「我们」才能学习共事，互相扶持

Throughout all of this, what I would ultimately realize

经过这一切，我才恍然大悟

was that each voice was closely related

每一个我听到的声音

to aspects of myself, and that each of them

都跟自己密切相关

carried overwhelming emotions that I'd never had

而且都带着丰沛的情绪

只是我以前没机会处理那些记忆

an opportunity to process or resolve,

memories of sexual trauma and abuse,

像是性创伤、性虐待

of anger, shame, guilt, low self-worth.

愤怒、惭愧、罪恶感和妄自菲薄

The voices took the place of this pain

那些声音取代了伤痛

and gave words to it,

并把痛苦说出来

and possibly one of the greatest revelations

不过最重要的启示也许是

was when I realized that the most hostile and aggressive voices

当我明白那些最具敌意和侵略性的声音

actually represented the parts of me

其实就代表

that had been hurt most profoundly,

我受伤最深的那部分

and as such, it was these voices

因此，正是这些声音

that needed to be shown the greatest compassion and care.

需要最多关爱和同情

It was armed with this knowledge that ultimately

正是这样的领悟让我最后

I would gather together my shattered self,

愿意把那些声音构成的片段拼凑起来

each fragment represented by a different voice,

找回完整的自我

gradually withdraw from all my medication,

并逐渐摆脱对药物的依赖

and return to psychiatry, only this time from the other side.

我又回到精神科，不过这次是研究

Ten years after the voice first came, I finally graduated,

第一次听到声音已是10年前的事了

this time with the highest degree in psychology

而这次我终于取得心理学最高学位!

the university had ever given, and one year later,

是我母校在该领域颁发过的最高学历

the highest masters, which shall we say

对一个疯女人来说

isn't bad for a madwoman.

能取得硕士学历也不差!

In fact, one of the voices actually dictated the answers

老实说，考试的时候我还听到报答案的声音

during the exam, which technically possibly counts as cheating.

这应该算作弊吧!

(笑声)

(Laughter)

And to be honest, sometimes I quite enjoyed their attention as well.

坦白讲，我有时还挺享受这种被「关照」的感觉

As Oscar Wilde has said, the only thing worse

就像王尔德说的，唯一比被人议论更糟糕的事

就是你这人根本不值一提.

than being talked about is not being talked about.

It also makes you very good at eavesdropping,

这经验让我非常善于偷听人讲话

因为我可同时听懂两边的对话

because you can listen to two conversations simultaneously.

So it's not all bad.

算起来也没那么糟!

I worked in mental health services,

我在心理健康部门工作过

I spoke at conferences,

也在多场研讨会上发表过演讲

I published book chapters and academic articles,

还出版过专文与书籍专章

and I argued, and continue to do so,

到目前我还在争论

the relevance of the following concept:

接下来这个观念的关联性

that an important question in psychiatry

精神病诊断上，关键问题不应该是

shouldn't be what's wrong with you

「你哪里不对劲?」

but rather what's happened to you.

而是「发生甚么事了?」

And all the while, I listened to my voices,

这段时间我倾听那些

with whom I'd finally learned to live with peace and respect

好不容易得以泰然处之的声音

and which in turn reflected a growing sense

而这也反映出

of compassion, acceptance and respect towards myself.

我越来越能同情、接纳和尊重自己

And I remember the most moving and extraordinary moment

记得最令我感动的特别时刻是

when supporting another young woman who was terrorized by her voices,

帮助另一个被自己内心声音吓坏的年轻女性

and becoming fully aware, for the very first time,

那是我首次意识到

that I no longer felt that way myself

我看待自己的方式改变了

but was finally able to help someone else who was.

而且还有能力帮别人突破

I'm now very proud to be a part of Intervoice,

身为「众声喧哗」(Intervoice) 的一员，我引以为荣!

the organizational body of the International Hearing Voices Movement,

它是国际听声组织(the International Hearing Voices Movement)的筹划单位

an initiative inspired by the work of Professor Marius Romme

在Sandra Escher博士和Marius Romme教授

and Dr. Sandra Escher,

的著作启发下成立

which locates voice hearing as a survival strategy,

他们将「听到声音」视为一种生存策略

a sane reaction to insane circumstances,

一种在异常情境下的合理反应

not as an aberrant symptom of schizophrenia to be endured,

不是旁人必须包容的精神分裂症状

but a complex, significant and meaningful experience

反而是有待深入研究、

to be explored.

复杂、重要且有意义的经验

Together, we envisage and enact a society

我们共同预见并推动

that understands and respects voice hearing,

能理解尊重「听声者」的社会环境

supports the needs of individuals who hear voices,

支持他们的需求

and which values them as full citizens.

把他们当享有权利的公民看待

This type of society is not only possible,

这种社会不但可能

it's already on its way.

且已逐渐形成

To paraphrase Chavez, once social change begins,

用美国社会运动家César Chávez的话说

it cannot be reversed.

社会变迁一旦开始便无法回头

You cannot humiliate the person who feels pride.

自重之人不会为人所羞辱

You cannot oppress the people

无所畏惧之人

who are not afraid anymore.

则不为人所压迫

For me, the achievements of the Hearing Voices Movement

对我来说，国际听声组织(IHVM)的成就

are a reminder that empathy, fellowship,

提醒世人同理心、友谊

justice and respect are more than words;

正义和尊重胜过言语

they are convictions and beliefs,

它们是坚定的信念

and that beliefs can change the world.

而信念可以改变世界

In the last 20 years, the Hearing Voices Movement

国际听声组织在过去20年

has established hearing voices networks

已在5大洲的26国

in 26 countries across five continents,

建立联系管道

working together to promote dignity, solidarity

共同致力提升承受精神折磨者的

and empowerment for individuals in mental distress,

尊严、团结和自立能力

to create a new language and practice of hope,

希望以此塑造希望的言词与实践

which, at its very center, lies an unshakable belief

其中的核心就是

in the power of the individual.

对个人能力坚定不疑的信念

As Peter Levine has said, the human animal

美国心理医师Peter Levine说过

is a unique being

人类是很特别的生物

endowed with an instinctual capacity to heal

与生俱来就有疗愈能力

and the intellectual spirit to harness this innate capacity.

和运用此天赋的智慧

In this respect, for members of society,

因此，身为社会的一份子

there is no greater honor or privilege

最荣幸的事

than facilitating that process of healing for someone,

莫过于帮人自我疗愈

to bear witness, to reach out a hand,

见证一切，伸出援手

to share the burden of someone's suffering,

并分担苦痛

and to hold the hope for their recovery.

还要坚持人们康复的希望

And likewise, for survivors of distress and adversity,

同样地，我要对那些历尽磨难的人说

that we remember we don't have to live our lives

我们知道经历过的那些伤害

forever defined by the damaging things that have happened to us.

不会让我们的人生就这样下去

We are unique. We are irreplaceable.

我们是独一无二的

What lies within us can never be truly colonized,

心灵无法被占据

contorted, or taken away.

扭曲或夺走

The light never goes out.

而光明永存

As a very wonderful doctor once said to me,

如同一位名医对我说过

"Don't tell me what other people have told you about yourself.

「不要跟我说别人对你的看法!」

Tell me about you."

「我要听你怎么看待自己!」

Thank you.

谢谢!

(Applause)

(掌声响起)