The voices in my head | Eleanor Longden

譯者: Marssi Draw 審譯者: William Choi

The day I left home for the first time

我第一次離家去唸大學的那一天

to go to university was a bright day

是個風光明媚的日子，

brimming with hope and optimism.

前途樂觀，充滿希望。

I'd done well at school. Expectations for me were high,

當時我在學校表現不錯， 大家對我的期望都很高。

and I gleefully entered the student life

於是我興高采烈地開始了我的校園生活，

of lectures, parties and traffic cone theft.

上課、參加派對、偷交通錐。

Now appearances, of course, can be deceptive,

當然事情不能只看表面，

and to an extent, this feisty, energetic persona

某種程度上來說，上課和偷交通錐，

of lecture-going and traffic cone stealing was a veneer,

這樣好強活躍的形象是一種偽裝，

albeit a very well-crafted and convincing one.

儘管技巧非常高超又有說服力。

Underneath, I was actually deeply unhappy, insecure

其實我內心非常憂鬱不安，

and fundamentally frightened --

骨子裡非常害怕，

frightened of other people, of the future, of failure

對其他人、未來、 可能面臨的失敗，

and of the emptiness that I felt was within me.

及內心的空虛感，都感到害怕。

But I was skilled at hiding it, and from the outside

但我隱藏得很好，外表看起來

appeared to be someone with everything to hope for

就像是對一切都充滿希望、

and aspire to.

胸懷大志，

This fantasy of invulnerability was so complete

這種刀槍不入的幻想太真實，

that I even deceived myself,

我甚至信以為真。

and as the first semester ended and the second began,

在上學期結束，第二學期開始時，

there was no way that anyone could have predicted

沒人預料的到

what was just about to happen.

將會發生什麼事。

I was leaving a seminar when it started,

當研討會開始，我就離開，

humming to myself, fumbling with my bag

哼著歌，一邊收拾東西，

just as I'd done a hundred times before,

就像已經預演了一百遍，

when suddenly I heard a voice calmly observe,

突然間，我聽見有個聲音冷靜地說：

"She is leaving the room."

「她正要離開房間。」

I looked around, and there was no one there,

我環顧四周，卻沒半個人影，

but the clarity and decisiveness of the comment

但那聲音清楚明確，

was unmistakable.

不可能聽錯。

Shaken, I left my books on the stairs and hurried home,

我嚇到了，把書留在樓梯上就衝回家，

and there it was again.

但那聲音又出現了：

"She is opening the door."

「她正在開門。」

This was the beginning. The voice had arrived.

這就是事情的開端，聲音不斷在耳邊環繞，

And the voice persisted,

聲音不斷地持續著，

days and then weeks of it, on and on,

一連好幾天，持續好幾周，揮之不去，

narrating everything I did in the third person.

以旁觀者的口吻描述我做的每一件事：

"She is going to the library."

「她正要去圖書館。」

"She is going to a lecture."

「她正要去上課。」

It was neutral, impassive and even, after a while,

一開始語氣平穩不帶感情，一陣子之後，

strangely companionate and reassuring,

卻莫名溫暖又安撫人心。

although I did notice that its calm exterior sometimes slipped

雖然我確實發現，冷靜的外表有時悄悄溜走

and that it occasionally mirrored my own unexpressed emotion.

偶爾反映我內在隱藏的情緒。

So, for example, if I was angry and had to hide it,

所以舉例來說，如果我很憤怒但必須藏著怒氣，

which I often did, being very adept at concealing how I really felt,

我常常這麼做，當我隱藏真正的感受，

then the voice would sound frustrated.

那個聲音就會聽起來很挫折。

Otherwise, it was neither sinister nor disturbing,

不然它聽起來沒有惡意，也不煩人，

although even at that point it was clear

雖然即使在那當下聲音很清晰，

that it had something to communicate to me

它要告訴我某些關於我情緒的東西，

about my emotions, particularly emotions

尤其是那些情緒

which were remote and inaccessible.

遙不可及。

Now it was then that I made a fatal mistake,

就在那個當下，我犯了致命的錯誤，

in that I told a friend about the voice, and she was horrified.

我跟一個朋友提起這個聲音，她嚇壞了。

A subtle conditioning process had begun,

一種隱而不顯的氛圍開始形成，

the implication that normal people don't hear voices

暗示我正常人不會聽到各式各樣的聲音，

and the fact that I did meant that something was very seriously wrong.

一定是哪裡出了大問題。

Such fear and mistrust was infectious.

這種害怕和懷疑是會傳染的。

Suddenly the voice didn't seem quite so benign anymore,

突然間，這個聲音聽起來不再那麼和善了，

and when she insisted that I seek medical attention,

當她堅持我應該尋求治療，

I duly complied, and which proved to be

我百分之百的服從了，這也成了

mistake number two.

我犯的第二個錯誤。

I spent some time telling the college G.P.

我花了一些時間向校醫說明

about what I perceived to be the real problem:

我認為真正的問題可能出在哪：

焦慮、自卑、對未來感到恐懼，

anxiety, low self-worth, fears about the future,

and was met with bored indifference

他看起來覺得無趣又冷淡，

until I mentioned the voice,

直到我提到那個聲音，

upon which he dropped his pen, swung round

他放下筆，突然轉身，

and began to question me with a show of real interest.

露出一臉興趣的質問我。

And to be fair, I was desperate for interest and help,

老實說，我也急著想要得到關心和協助，

and I began to tell him about my strange commentator.

所以告訴他那個詭異播報員。

And I always wish, at this point, the voice had said,

我總是希望，那個聲音當時說：

「她在自掘墳墓。」

"She is digging her own grave."

I was referred to a psychiatrist, who likewise

我被轉給精神科醫師，他同樣地

took a grim view of the voice's presence,

用異樣的眼光看待聲音出現這件事，

subsequently interpreting everything I said

後來我說的每件事都被用

潛在精神異常的鏡片檢視著。

through a lens of latent insanity.

For example, I was part of a student TV station

比如說，我是學生電台的一員，

that broadcast news bulletins around the campus,

負責播報校園裡的新聞和公告，

and during an appointment which was running very late,

因此在某次聊得較晚的面談中，

I said, "I'm sorry, doctor, I've got to go.

我說：「醫生，不好意思，我得離開了。

I'm reading the news at six."

我六點要播新聞。」

Now it's down on my medical records that Eleanor

然後我的病歷上就記錄著

艾蓮娜妄想她是電視新聞主播。

has delusions that she's a television news broadcaster.

It was at this point that events began

從那時起，這件事

to rapidly overtake me.

迅速地壓垮了我。

A hospital admission followed, the first of many,

眾多事情中的第一件事就是接到入院通知，

a diagnosis of schizophrenia came next,

接著是精神分裂症的診斷，

and then, worst of all, a toxic, tormenting sense

然後，最糟的是，我開始 有一種像是中毒的痛苦感受，

of hopelessness, humiliation and despair

我對自己和前景

about myself and my prospects.

感到絕望、羞恥、喪失信心。

But having been encouraged to see the voice

然而我一直被慫恿著把這個聲音看做

not as an experience but as a symptom,

是一種症狀而非經驗，

my fear and resistance towards it intensified.

讓我的恐懼和抗拒更為強烈。

Now essentially, this represented taking

基本上，這代表了

an aggressive stance towards my own mind,

對我的內心採取一種挑釁的立場，

a kind of psychic civil war,

就像是一種內心戰，

and in turn this caused the number of voices to increase

結果反而讓聲音出現的次數愈來愈多，

and grow progressively hostile and menacing.

而且變得更有敵意也更加憤恨。

Helplessly and hopelessly, I began to retreat

在無助和絕望之下，我開始把自己退到

into this nightmarish inner world

這個惡夢般的內心世界，

in which the voices were destined to become

在那裡這個聲音必然就此成為

both my persecutors and my only perceived companions.

迫害者，同時也是我的心靈伴侶。

They told me, for example, that if I proved myself worthy

他們告訴我，舉例來說， 如果我證明自己值得

of their help, then they could change my life

得到他們的幫助， 那麼他們可以改變我的生活，

back to how it had been,

讓它變回原來的樣子。

and a series of increasingly bizarre tasks was set,

然後一連串愈來愈詭異的任務就出現了，

a kind of labor of Hercules.

就像是一些極艱巨的工作。

It started off quite small, for example,

從很小的事情開始，像是

pull out three strands of hair,

拔掉三把頭髮，

but gradually it grew more extreme,

但是任務逐漸變得偏激，

culminating in commands to harm myself,

最後要求我傷害自己。

and a particularly dramatic instruction:

最戲劇化的指令是：

"You see that tutor over there?

「你有看到那邊那個助教吧？

You see that glass of water?

你有看到那杯水吧？

Well, you have to go over and pour it over him in front of the other students."

在其他學生面前把那杯水倒在他頭上。」

Which I actually did, and which needless to say

我真的做了，不用說

did not endear me to the faculty.

教職員並沒有因此喜歡我。

In effect, a vicious cycle of fear, avoidance,

實際上，形成了一種由恐懼、逃避、

mistrust and misunderstanding had been established,

猜忌和誤解組合的惡性循環，

and this was a battle in which I felt powerless

這種抗爭讓我感到無力，

and incapable of establishing any kind of peace or reconciliation.

無法建立任何形式的平靜與和諧。

Two years later, and the deterioration was dramatic.

兩年後，情況突然惡化了。

By now, I had the whole frenzied repertoire:

到現在，我有各式各樣的瘋狂劇本：

terrifying voices, grotesque visions,

恐嚇的聲音、怪異的念頭、

bizarre, intractable delusions.

古怪又難搞的妄想。

My mental health status had been a catalyst

我的心理健康狀態變成了

for discrimination, verbal abuse,

被歧視、謾罵、

and physical and sexual assault,

霸凌和性侵的導火線。

and I'd been told by my psychiatrist,

精神科醫生告訴我：

"Eleanor, you'd be better off with cancer,

「艾蓮娜，你得了癌症還好一點，

because cancer is easier to cure than schizophrenia."

因為癌症比精神分裂症還容易痊癒。」

I'd been diagnosed, drugged and discarded,

我接受診斷、服藥、被遺棄，

and was by now so tormented by the voices

當時我被那些聲音折磨到

that I attempted to drill a hole in my head

想在頭上鑽一個洞，

in order to get them out.

把它們趕出我的腦袋。

Now looking back on the wreckage and despair of those years,

如今回首過去那些年的碎裂和絕望，

it seems to me now as if someone died in that place,

現在對我來說就好像有人在那裡死了，

and yet, someone else was saved.

然而，另一人獲救了。

A broken and haunted person began that journey,

一個支離破碎、擔心受怕的人 展開了那趟旅程，

but the person who emerged was a survivor

但那個從困境中擺脫的卻是個倖存者，

and would ultimately grow into the person

最終將變成我注定

I was destined to be.

要成為的那個人。

Many people have harmed me in my life,

在我的生命中有許多人曾傷害我，

and I remember them all,

每一個我都記得，

but the memories grow pale and faint

但是這些記憶會逐漸淡去，

in comparison with the people who've helped me.

而幫助我的人們則一直存在我心裡。

The fellow survivors, the fellow voice-hearers,

倖存的人們、有幻聽的人們，

the comrades and collaborators;

我的朋友和合作夥伴；

the mother who never gave up on me,

永不放棄我的母親，

who knew that one day I would come back to her

她知道總有一天我會回到她身邊，

and was willing to wait for me for as long as it took;

不管要花多久的時間她都願意等候我；

the doctor who only worked with me for a brief time

還有雖然只有短暫幫助我的醫生，

but who reinforced his belief that recovery

但是他強化他的信念，讓我知道復元

was not only possible but inevitable,

不只是可能，而是必然的。

and during a devastating period of relapse

在歷經復發的毀滅期，

told my terrified family, "Don't give up hope.

他告訴我嚇壞了的家人： 「不要放棄希望，

I believe that Eleanor can get through this.

我相信艾蓮娜可以撐過來。

Sometimes, you know, it snows as late as May,

有時候，你知道，雖然五月還在下雪，

but summer always comes eventually."

但是夏天終究會來臨。」

Fourteen minutes is not enough time

十四分鐘不夠

to fully credit those good and generous people

我一一道出這些良善、寬容的人們，

who fought with me and for me

他們與我併肩作戰，為我付出，

and who waited to welcome me back

等待我、歡迎我從

from that agonized, lonely place.

那個痛苦又孤獨的深淵回到他們身邊。

But together, they forged a blend of courage,

而且他們一同化為勇氣、

creativity, integrity, and an unshakeable belief

創造力、正直，以及不可動搖的信念，

that my shattered self could become healed and whole.

讓我心煩意亂的自我能夠得到療癒， 並且合而為一。

I used to say that these people saved me,

我過去常說，這些人救了我，

but what I now know is they did something

但是我現在才了解，比他們當時的幫助

even more important in that they empowered me

更重要的其實是他們給了我力量，

to save myself,

讓我能拯救自己。

and crucially, they helped me to understand something

更關鍵的是，他們幫助我了解某件

which I'd always suspected:

我一直無法相信的事：

that my voices were a meaningful response

我的聲音是對生活的創傷經驗

to traumatic life events, particularly childhood events,

做出有意義的回應， 尤其是兒時歲月，

and as such were not my enemies

因此它不是我的敵人，

but a source of insight into solvable emotional problems.

而是一種能夠解決情緒問題的洞察力。

Now, at first, this was very difficult to believe,

一開始這很難相信，

not least because the voices appeared so hostile

也難以持續，因為這些聲音如此不友善，

and menacing, so in this respect, a vital first step

又會威脅我，因為這個緣故， 非常重要的第一步

was learning to separate out a metaphorical meaning

就是學習去將隱涵的意義

from what I'd previously interpreted to be a literal truth.

和我先前會詮釋為事實的話語區分出來。

So for example, voices which threatened to attack my home

例如，這些聲音會威脅我去攻擊我的家庭，

I learned to interpret as my own sense of fear

我學著去將它詮釋為我對世界的恐懼

and insecurity in the world, rather than an actual, objective danger.

和不安，而非將它看為真實、客觀的危險。

Now at first, I would have believed them.

首先，我得先相信它們。

I remember, for example, sitting up one night

比如說我記得有天晚上我熬夜

on guard outside my parents' room to protect them

守在父母門前來保護他們

from what I thought was a genuine threat from the voices.

不會受到我從那個聲音中得知會受到的攻擊。

Because I'd had such a bad problem with self-injury

因為我有嚴重的自殘問題，

that most of the cutlery in the house had been hidden,

所以家裡大部分的刀具都被藏起來了，

so I ended up arming myself with a plastic fork,

結果是，我用塑膠叉子武裝自己，

kind of like picnic ware, and sort of sat outside the room

有點像是野餐用的餐具， 然後我會坐在房門外

緊抓住它，然後等著準備隨時採取行動， 看會發生什麼事。

clutching it and waiting to spring into action should anything happen.

It was like, "Don't mess with me.

那就像是：「別煩我，

I've got a plastic fork, don't you know?"

我有塑膠叉子，你不知道嗎？」

Strategic.

嚴陣以待。

But a later response, and much more useful,

但是後來我得到一個很有幫助的回應，

would be to try and deconstruct the message behind the words,

那就是去解讀這些文字後面的訊息，

so when the voices warned me not to leave the house,

因此當聲音警告我不要離開房間，

then I would thank them for drawing my attention

那麼我會感謝他們讓我注意到

to how unsafe I felt --

我感覺有多不安

because if I was aware of it, then I could do something positive about it --

──因為如果我意識到它， 我就能做比較正向的舉動──

but go on to reassure both them and myself

然後要持續向它和自己保證

that we were safe and didn't need to feel frightened anymore.

我們很安全，而且再也不需要害怕了。

I would set boundaries for the voices,

我會對聲音做出界線，

and try to interact with them in a way that was assertive

試著和它們互動，用一種果斷的方式，

但是尊重的，建立一種緩慢的

yet respectful, establishing a slow process

of communication and collaboration

溝通程序，

in which we could learn to work together and support one another.

並且用我們可以學著一起互動、 彼此支持的方式合作。

Throughout all of this, what I would ultimately realize

在這整個過程中，我終於明白

was that each voice was closely related

每一個聲音都和我自己的每一面密不可分，

to aspects of myself, and that each of them

而它們每一個

carried overwhelming emotions that I'd never had

都承載著極端的情緒，那是我從未

an opportunity to process or resolve,

有機會去處理或解決的，

memories of sexual trauma and abuse,

性創傷和性侵的記憶，

of anger, shame, guilt, low self-worth.

憤怒、羞恥、愧疚、自卑的記憶。

The voices took the place of this pain

聲音代替了這些傷痛，

and gave words to it,

為它發言。

and possibly one of the greatest revelations

最出乎意料的事實之一是：

was when I realized that the most hostile and aggressive voices

當我了解那個最不友善和挑釁的聲音

actually represented the parts of me

其實代表了那個部分的我

that had been hurt most profoundly,

曾經被重重地傷害過，

and as such, it was these voices

也因此這些聲音

that needed to be shown the greatest compassion and care.

需要得到最深切的憐憫 和無微不至的關懷。

It was armed with this knowledge that ultimately

帶著這樣的認知，最後

I would gather together my shattered self,

我就能拼湊回破碎的自我，

each fragment represented by a different voice,

每一塊碎片代表一個不同的聲音。

gradually withdraw from all my medication,

漸漸地，我停止服用藥物，

and return to psychiatry, only this time from the other side.

回到精神治療，只是這一次的療程是往回走。

Ten years after the voice first came, I finally graduated,

在聲音首次出現的十年後，我終於畢業了，

this time with the highest degree in psychology

這一次我在心理學拿到最高的成績，

the university had ever given, and one year later,

是這所學校前所未有的，一年後，

the highest masters, which shall we say

得到最高的碩士成績，我們應該說

isn't bad for a madwoman.

對一個瘋女人來說還不差。

In fact, one of the voices actually dictated the answers

事實上，其中一個聲音在考試中實際地

during the exam, which technically possibly counts as cheating.

告訴我答案，技術上來說可能算作弊。

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

And to be honest, sometimes I quite enjoyed their attention as well.

老實說，有時候我還蠻享受他們的關注。

As Oscar Wilde has said, the only thing worse

王爾德曾說：「唯一比被人談論還糟的事

than being talked about is not being talked about.

就是根本沒人談論你。」

It also makes you very good at eavesdropping,

而且也會讓你變得很擅於偷聽，

因為你可以同時聽兩段對話。

because you can listen to two conversations simultaneously.

So it's not all bad.

所以還是有點好處的。

I worked in mental health services,

我的工作是精神健康服務，

I spoke at conferences,

我在會議中演講，

I published book chapters and academic articles,

出版書籍和學術論文，

and I argued, and continue to do so,

而且我抗議並且繼續這麼做，

the relevance of the following concept:

和以下所述有關的觀念：

that an important question in psychiatry

一個精神方面的重要問題

shouldn't be what's wrong with you

不應該是你出了什麼問題，

but rather what's happened to you.

而應該是什麼事發生在你身上。

And all the while, I listened to my voices,

一直以來，我都傾聽著我的聲音，

with whom I'd finally learned to live with peace and respect

我終於學會以和平與尊重和它共處，

and which in turn reflected a growing sense

它就會回報我，讓我更加

of compassion, acceptance and respect towards myself.

憐憫、認同和尊重我自己。

And I remember the most moving and extraordinary moment

我記得最感動、特別的時刻是在

when supporting another young woman who was terrorized by her voices,

當我支持另一個因為幻聽 而受到驚嚇的年輕女性，

and becoming fully aware, for the very first time,

那是第一次我變得能夠完全意識到

that I no longer felt that way myself

我不再有同樣的感覺了，

but was finally able to help someone else who was.

相反的是，我終於能夠 幫助其他飽受其苦的人。

I'm now very proud to be a part of Intervoice,

現在，我很榮幸能夠成為 內在聲音組織 (Intervoice) 的一員，

the organizational body of the International Hearing Voices Movement,

這個組織屬於國際幻聽者支持團體 (International Hearing Voices Movement)，

an initiative inspired by the work of Professor Marius Romme

由馬里斯．羅蒙 (Marius Romme) 教授

and Dr. Sandra Escher,

以及珊卓．艾薛爾 (Sandra Escher) 博士 發起的倡議，

which locates voice hearing as a survival strategy,

將幻聽視為一種倖存的策略，

a sane reaction to insane circumstances,

在瘋狂的情境中做出合乎情理的反應，

not as an aberrant symptom of schizophrenia to be endured,

並非將它視為精神分裂症 需要忍受的異常徵兆，

but a complex, significant and meaningful experience

而是一種複雜、重要且有意義的經驗，

to be explored.

等待著被發掘。

Together, we envisage and enact a society

同時，我們也期待建立一個

that understands and respects voice hearing,

能理解與尊重幻聽的社會，

supports the needs of individuals who hear voices,

支持幻聽者的需求，

and which values them as full citizens.

把他們視為健全的公民。

This type of society is not only possible,

這種社會的出現不只是可能，

it's already on its way.

而是已經逐漸形成了。

To paraphrase Chavez, once social change begins,

套句查維斯 (Cesar Chavez) 說過的話： 「當社會開始改變，

it cannot be reversed.

就無法回頭。

You cannot humiliate the person who feels pride.

你無法羞辱有自尊的人；

You cannot oppress the people

你無法壓迫

who are not afraid anymore.

不再畏懼的人。」

For me, the achievements of the Hearing Voices Movement

對我而言，幻聽者支持團體的成就是

are a reminder that empathy, fellowship,

提醒我們同情、夥伴、

justice and respect are more than words;

正義和尊重比言語更重要；

they are convictions and beliefs,

它們是各樣的信念，

and that beliefs can change the world.

而那些信念可以改變世界。

In the last 20 years, the Hearing Voices Movement

在過去的 20 年中，幻聽者支持團體

has established hearing voices networks

已建立了幻聽者支持網絡 (hearing voices networks)，

in 26 countries across five continents,

遍布五大洲，26 個國家，

working together to promote dignity, solidarity

共同努力提倡尊嚴、團結，

and empowerment for individuals in mental distress,

以及為受到精神疾病所苦的人們增權，

to create a new language and practice of hope,

重新建立希望的語言和實踐，

which, at its very center, lies an unshakable belief

其中的核心思想是 一種存在個體的力量中

in the power of the individual.

不可動搖的信念。

As Peter Levine has said, the human animal

彼得．列文 (Peter A. Levine) 曾說：

is a unique being

「人類是唯一

endowed with an instinctual capacity to heal

具有療癒本能的物種，

and the intellectual spirit to harness this innate capacity.

而且有智能來控制 這個與生俱來的能力。」

In this respect, for members of society,

由此，我想告訴社會大眾，

there is no greater honor or privilege

這份榮耀和榮幸之大，

than facilitating that process of healing for someone,

沒有比幫助他人痊癒、

to bear witness, to reach out a hand,

支持、伸出援手、

to share the burden of someone's suffering,

分擔他人之苦，

and to hold the hope for their recovery.

對他們能康復的事永存希望 來得更棒了。

And likewise, for survivors of distress and adversity,

同樣地，我想告訴悲傷和逆境的倖存者，

that we remember we don't have to live our lives

記得我們不需要一輩子

forever defined by the damaging things that have happened to us.

永遠用那些曾經遭遇的苦痛來定義自己。

We are unique. We are irreplaceable.

我們都是獨一無二、不可取代的。

What lies within us can never be truly colonized,

在我們體內的東西 永遠不會真正的被佔據、

contorted, or taken away.

被扭曲或是被拿走。

The light never goes out.

那道光永遠不會熄滅。

As a very wonderful doctor once said to me,

曾有一位很棒的醫生對我說：

"Don't tell me what other people have told you about yourself.

「不要告訴我別人怎麼說你，

Tell me about you."

跟我說說你自己。」

Thank you.

謝謝！

(Applause)

（掌聲）