How to practice emotional first aid | Guy Winch | TED

翻译人员: Jennifer Zhang 校对人员: Bighead Ge

I grew up with my identical twin,

我和我的双胞胎哥哥一起长大，

who was an incredibly loving brother.

他是个富有爱心的好兄弟。

Now, one thing about being a twin is,

要知道，作为双胞胎，你很快 就在一件事上成为专家，

it makes you an expert at spotting favoritism.

就是注意到偏爱。

If his cookie was even slightly bigger than my cookie,

如果他的饼干比我的大 哪怕一点点，我就会质疑。

I had questions.

当然我也没被饿着。

And clearly, I wasn't starving.

(Laughter)

（笑声）

When I became a psychologist, I began to notice favoritism

当我成为一个心理学家，我开始 注意到另一种不同的偏爱，

of a different kind;

and that is, how much more we value the body than we do the mind.

那就是我们赋予我们的身体 比精神更多的价值。

I spent nine years at university earning my doctorate in psychology,

我花了九年时间 获得心理学博士学位，

and I can't tell you how many people look at my business card and say,

但不知道有多少人看了我的名片说，

"Oh -- a psychologist. So, not a real doctor,"

“哦，心理学家， 原来不是真正的医生。”

就好像我的名片上就该明确说明似的。

as if it should say that on my card.

[Dr. Guy Winch, Just a Psychologist (Not a Real Doctor)]

（笑声）

(Laughter)

This favoritism we show the body over the mind --

这种对身体多于精神的偏爱随处可见。

I see it everywhere.

I recently was at a friend's house,

我最近在朋友家，

and their five-year-old was getting ready for bed.

他们五岁的小孩准备上床睡觉。

He was standing on a stool by the sink, brushing his teeth,

他站在小凳子上， 在水池边刷牙，

when he slipped and scratched his leg on the stool when he fell.

然后他滑了一下， 摔倒的时候刮了他的腿。

He cried for a minute, but then he got back up,

他哭了一下， 随后就爬起来了，

got back on the stool, and reached out for a box of Band-Aids

站回小凳子上，拿了一个创可贴 贴在他的伤口上。

to put one on his cut.

Now, this kid could barely tie his shoelaces,

这孩子刚学会系鞋带儿，

but he knew you have to cover a cut so it doesn't become infected,

但他都知道要保护伤口以免感染，

and you have to care for your teeth by brushing twice a day.

同时还要一天刷两次牙来保护牙齿。

We all know how to maintain our physical health

我们都知道怎样保持身体的健康

and how to practice dental hygiene, right?

还有怎样保持牙齿卫生，对不对？

We've known it since we were five years old.

我们从五岁起就知道这些东西了。

But what do we know about maintaining our psychological health?

但是我们知道怎样 保持精神上的健康吗？

完全不知道。

Well, nothing.

What do we teach our children about emotional hygiene?

我们教给孩子们情绪保健吗？

Nothing.

完全没有。

How is it that we spend more time taking care of our teeth

为什么我们花在牙齿的时间

than we do our minds?

比花在精神的时间上还多呢？

Why is it that our physical health is so much more important to us

为什么我们那么重视身体健康

远远多于心理健康呢？

than our psychological health?

We sustain psychological injuries even more often than we do physical ones,

我们承受心理上的伤害 比身体上的多得多，

injuries like failure or rejection or loneliness.

例如失败，被拒绝，孤独。

And they can also get worse if we ignore them,

如果我们忽视它们， 情况也会恶化，

and they can impact our lives in dramatic ways.

它们同样会给我们的生活 带来重大的影响。

And yet, even though there are scientifically proven techniques

然而，虽然有科学证实的疗法

we could use to treat these kinds of psychological injuries,

来帮助我们治疗 这些心理上的伤害，

we don't.

我们却不采取行动。

It doesn't even occur to us that we should.

我们甚至都没意识到 我们应该采取行动。

"Oh, you're feeling depressed? Just shake it off; it's all in your head."

“哦，你感到抑郁么？ 别去想了，都在你脑袋里。”

你能想象对一个 骨折了的人说这样的话吗？

Can you imagine saying that to somebody with a broken leg:

"Oh, just walk it off; it's all in your leg."

“哦，走走就好了，都在你腿上。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It is time we closed the gap

我们应该消除这种对身体和 精神健康的区别对待。

between our physical and our psychological health.

It's time we made them more equal,

应该把两者对等起来，

more like twins.

像双胞胎一样。

Speaking of which, my brother is also a psychologist.

说起双胞胎， 我哥哥也是个心理医生。

So he's not a real doctor, either.

所以他也不是真正的医生。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

We didn't study together, though.

我们不是在一起上的学。

In fact, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life

事实上，我这辈子 经历过的最困难的事

就是跨过大西洋搬到纽约

is move across the Atlantic to New York City

to get my doctorate in psychology.

来读心理学的博士学位。

We were apart then for the first time in our lives,

那是我们俩第一次分隔两地，

and the separation was brutal for both of us.

这个分离对我俩来说都很残酷。

But while he remained among family and friends,

当他和家人朋友一起时，

I was alone in a new country.

我却孤单的在一个新的国度。

We missed each other terribly,

我们都非常想念对方，

but international phone calls were really expensive then,

但那时候国际长途都很贵

and we could only afford to speak for five minutes a week.

我们一周只打的起五分钟的电话。

当我们生日快到了的时候，

When our birthday rolled around,

it was the first we wouldn't be spending together.

那是我们第一个 没在一起过的生日。

We decided to splurge,

我们决定奢侈一把， 在那个星期聊上十分钟。

and that week, we would talk for 10 minutes.

(Laughter)

I spent the morning pacing around my room, waiting for him to call --

我那天早上在房间里踱来踱去， 等着我哥哥给我打过来 －

我等啊等啊，电话就是不响。

and waiting ...

and waiting.

But the phone didn't ring.

由于时差的关系，我就想，

Given the time difference, I assumed,

"OK, he's out with friends, he'll call later."

“好吧，他一定是和朋友在一起， 他晚点儿会打来的。”

There were no cell phones then.

那时候也没有手机。

But he didn't.

但他始终没打来。

And I began to realize that after being away for over 10 months,

我开始意识到， 在我离开十个月以后，

he no longer missed me the way I missed him.

他不再像我想他那样想我了。

我知道他早上会打来，

I knew he would call in the morning,

但那一晚是我一生中 最伤心，最漫长的一晚。

but that night was one of the saddest and longest nights of my life.

I woke up the next morning.

第二天一早醒来，

I glanced down at the phone,

我瞅了一眼电话，我意识到, 来回踱步时

and I realized I had kicked it off the hook

when pacing the day before.

我把电话线踹下来了

I stumbled out of bed,

我迷迷糊糊的跳下床，

I put the phone back on the receiver, and it rang a second later.

我刚把电话插回接口， 一秒钟之后电话就响了。

And it was my brother,

是我哥哥，他可气坏了。

and boy, was he pissed.

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It was the saddest and longest night of his life as well.

那也是他一生中 最伤心漫长的一夜。

当我跟他解释事情的经过，他说，

Now, I tried to explain what happened, but he said,

"I don't understand.

“我不明白。你看我没给你打，

If you saw I wasn't calling you,

why didn't you just pick up the phone and call me?"

你为什么不打给我呢？”

He was right.

他说的对。 我为什么不打给他呢？

Why didn't I call him?

I didn't have an answer then.

我当时无法解释， 但我现在明白了，

But I do today,

非常简单的原因：孤独。

and it's a simple one:

loneliness.

Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound,

孤独导致深重的心理创伤，

扭曲我们的感知能力， 剥夺我们的思考能力。

one that distorts our perceptions and scrambles our thinking.

它使我们相信 身边的人不再在乎我们。

It makes us believe that those around us care much less than they actually do.

它使我们不敢与人联络，

It make us really afraid to reach out,

because why set yourself up for rejection and heartache

为什么给自取其辱被拒绝呢？

你的心痛的还不够多么？

when your heart is already aching more than you can stand?

I was in the grips of real loneliness back then,

我那个时候被孤独紧紧包裹着，

but I was surrounded by people all day, so it never occurred to me.

但我总和别人在一起， 我自己都没意识到。

But loneliness is defined purely subjectively.

但孤独是完全从主观上定义的。

It depends solely on whether you feel emotionally or socially disconnected

它完全取决于你是否觉得

在情绪上或是交际上 和你周围的人相隔绝。

from those around you.

And I did.

我当时是这样的。

我们有很多关于孤独的研究， 都很可怕。

There is a lot of research on loneliness, and all of it is horrifying.

Loneliness won't just make you miserable;

孤独不仅让你觉得凄惨， 它还可能致死。

it will kill you.

I'm not kidding.

我可不是开玩笑。

Chronic loneliness increases your likelihood of an early death

长期的孤独 会增加你早逝的可能性

by 14 percent.

高达14%之多。

Fourteen percent!

Loneliness causes high blood pressure,

孤独可能导致 高血压，高胆固醇。

high cholesterol.

It even suppress the functioning of your immune system,

它甚至会影响你的免疫系统，

making you vulnerable to all kinds of illnesses and diseases.

使你容易患上各种疾病。

In fact, scientists have concluded that taken together,

事实上，科学家已经得出结论，

chronic loneliness poses as significant a risk

长期的孤独对你的健康和长寿

for your long-term health and longevity

的负面影响比抽烟还要糟。

as cigarette smoking.

Now, cigarette packs come with warnings saying, "This could kill you."

香烟的包装上还有 “吸烟致命”的警句。

But loneliness doesn't.

可孤独没有。

And that's why it's so important

这就是我们为什么 要重视心理健康，

that we prioritize our psychological health,

要注意保持情绪健康。

that we practice emotional hygiene.

Because you can't treat a psychological wound

因为，你无法治愈心理上的创伤，

if you don't even know you're injured.

如果你都不知道 自己受到了伤害的话。

Loneliness isn't the only psychological wound

孤独不是唯一

that distorts our perceptions and misleads us.

可能扭曲及误导 我们的心理创伤。

Failure does that as well.

失败也有同样效果。

I once visited a day care center,

我曾访问过一个幼儿园，

where I saw three toddlers play with identical plastic toys.

在那儿我观察了三个儿童, 在玩完全一样的塑料玩具。

You had to slide the red button, and a cute doggie would pop out.

你得把一个红色的钮滑开， 然后一个可爱的小狗就会跳出来。

One little girl tried pulling the purple button, then pushing it,

一个小女孩 对紫色的钮又拉又按，

and then she just sat back and looked at the box

然后她就坐下来，瞧着那盒子， 下嘴唇开始发颤。

with her lower lip trembling.

她旁边的一个小男孩 看到这一幕，

The little boy next to her watched this happen,

then turned to his box and burst into tears without even touching it.

再看着他的盒子， 都没动手就哇哇大哭了。

Meanwhile, another little girl tried everything she could think of

与此同时， 另一个小女孩试了各种方法

until she slid the red button,

直到她滑动了那个红钮，

the cute doggie popped out, and she squealed with delight.

可爱的小狗跳了出来， 她开心的叫了起来。

So: three toddlers with identical plastic toys,

同样的塑料玩具 给了这三个幼儿，

但他们对失败的反应截然不同。

but with very different reactions to failure.

The first two toddlers were perfectly capable of sliding a red button.

前两个小孩完全 有能力滑动那个红钮。

The only thing that prevented them from succeeding

唯一阻止他们成功的因素

was that their mind tricked them into believing they could not.

就是他们被自己 做不成的想法给骗了。

Now, adults get tricked this way as well, all the time.

成年人也经常中这样的圈套。

事实上，我们都有 一个固定的思维感知模式，

In fact, we all have a default set of feelings and beliefs

that gets triggered whenever we encounter frustrations and setbacks.

每当我们感到沮丧，受到挫折， 我们便会进入这个模式。

Are you aware of how your mind reacts to failure?

你清不清楚你是怎么对应失败的？

You need to be.

你应该清楚。

Because if your mind tries to convince you you're incapable of something,

因为如果你的头脑告诉你 你不能做成什么事

and you believe it,

而你相信了的话，

then like those two toddlers, you'll begin to feel helpless

你就会像那前两个小孩似的， 开始感到无助

and you'll stop trying too soon, or you won't even try at all.

然后你很快就放弃了， 甚至都不去试一下。

And then you'll be even more convinced you can't succeed.

然后你就更加确信你成功不了。

You see, that's why so many people function below their actual potential.

你看，这就是为什么那么多人 都无法充分发挥他们的潜能。

Because somewhere along the way, sometimes a single failure

因为不一定在什么地方， 有那么一次失败

convinced them that they couldn't succeed, and they believed it.

让他们认定了自己不能成功。

我们一旦被某件事说服， 往往就很难改变主意。

Once we become convinced of something, it's very difficult to change our mind.

I learned that lesson the hard way when I was a teenager with my brother.

我十几岁的时候，和我哥哥一起， 吃了点苦头才明白这道理。

We were driving with friends down a dark road at night,

有一天晚上，我俩和朋友们 在一条很黑的路上开着车。

when a police car stopped us.

一辆警车把我们拦下了。

附近发生了抢劫， 警察在追踪嫌犯。

There had been a robbery in the area and they were looking for suspects.

The officer approached the car, and shined his flashlight on the driver,

警察走到车边， 对司机晃了晃手电筒，

then on my brother in the front seat,

又照了照坐在副驾驶的我哥哥， 然后照到了我。

and then on me.

And his eyes opened wide and he said,

他瞪大了眼睛说得，

“我在哪儿见过你？”

"Where have I seen your face before?"

（笑声）

(Laughter)

And I said,

我说，“副驾驶座上。”

"In the front seat."

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But that made no sense to him whatsoever,

但对他来说， 我的回答莫名其妙。

so now he thought I was on drugs.

所以他认为我嗑了药。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So he drags me out of the car, he searches me,

于是他把我拖出车子， 又搜了我的身，

he marches me over to the police car,

他把我押到警车那儿，

and only when he verified I didn't have a police record,

直到他验证了 我并没有犯罪记录，

我才有机会解释 我和副驾驶座位上的是双胞胎。

could I show him I had a twin in the front seat.

But even as we were driving away,

但是直到我们开走了， 你仍可以看到他的表情

you could see by the look on his face he was convinced

他认定我一定干了什么坏事。

that I was getting away with something.

(Laughter)

一旦我们认定了的事情， 我们很难改变看法。

Our mind is hard to change once we become convinced.

So it might be very natural to feel demoralized

所以当你失败了， 感觉士气低落是很自然的。

and defeated after you fail.

But you cannot allow yourself to become convinced you can't succeed.

但是你不能允许自己 相信你不可能成功。

You have to fight feelings of helplessness.

你要和那种无助的感觉斗争。

你要重新控制局面。

You have to gain control over the situation.

And you have to break this kind of negative cycle

而且你必须在 这种负能量循环开始前打破它。

before it begins.

[Stop Emotional Bleeding]

Our minds and our feelings --

我们的想法和感觉，

they're not the trustworthy friends we thought they were.

它们不是像我们想象的 那么忠诚的朋友。

They're more like a really moody friend,

它们更像是一个非常情绪化的朋友，

who can be totally supportive one minute, and really unpleasant the next.

有时非常支持你， 而有时令人不愉快。

我以前的一个女同事

I once worked with this woman who, after 20 years marriage

她结婚20年之后离婚了， 婚离的很惨烈，

and an extremely ugly divorce,

然后她终于准备好 开始新的约会了。

was finally ready for her first date.

She had met this guy online,

她在网上认识了这个男的。 他看上去人很好，也很成功，

and he seemed nice and he seemed successful,

最重要的是， 他似乎对她非常感兴趣。

and most importantly, he seemed really into her.

So she was very excited, she bought a new dress,

她非常兴奋， 还为约会买了新裙子，

and they met at an upscale New York City bar for a drink.

然后他们约在纽约的 一个高级酒吧里喝一杯。

Ten minutes into the date, the man stands up and says,

约会才进行了10分钟， 那位男士站起来说，

"I'm not interested," and walks out.

“我没兴趣了，” 然后就走了。

Rejection is extremely painful.

被拒绝是极其痛苦的。

The woman was so hurt she couldn't move.

这位女士非常受伤，以致于都动不了了。 于是她给一个朋友打电话。

All she could do was call a friend.

Here's what the friend said: "Well, what do you expect?

她朋友是这样说的： “那你还想怎样？

You have big hips, you have nothing interesting to say.

你又胖又没有什么好聊的，

Why would a handsome, successful man like that

为什么任何一个英俊的成功男士

会和你这样的失败者约会呢？“

ever go out with a loser like you?"

太不像话了，是不是， 朋友怎么可以这样冷酷无情？

Shocking, right, that a friend could be so cruel?

But it would be much less shocking

这或许听上去不太过分，

要是我告诉你 这话不是朋友说的。

if I told you it wasn't the friend who said that.

It's what the woman said to herself.

这其实是那位女士 对她自己说的。

And that's something we all do,

我们都干过这事儿， 尤其是被拒绝之后。

especially after a rejection.

We all start thinking of all our faults and all our shortcomings,

我们开始去想 我们犯的错，我们的缺点，

what we wish we were, what we wish we weren't.

我们要是这样就好了， 我们要是不那样就好了，

We call ourselves names.

我们给自己起外号。

Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it.

也许程度不同， 但我们都干过这事。

And it's interesting that we do,

我们为什么会这样做。 我们的自尊已经被伤害了。

because our self-esteem is already hurting.

Why would we want to go and damage it even further?

为什么我们要进一步伤害它呢？

We wouldn't make a physical injury worse on purpose.

要是身体受伤了， 我们不会故意去把它弄的更糟。

You wouldn't get a cut on your arm and decide, "Oh! I know --

你要是胳膊上有个伤口， 你不会说，“啊，我知道！

I'm going to take a knife and see how much deeper I can make it."

我要拿刀看我到底能捅多深。“

But we do that with psychological injuries all the time.

但是我们经常如此对待心理伤害。

Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.

为什么？由于糟糕的心理保健意识。

Because we don't prioritize our psychological health.

因为我们不重视心理健康。

We know from dozens of studies that when your self-esteem is lower,

很多研究表明， 如果你的自尊心低落，

you are more vulnerable to stress and to anxiety;

你就更容易感到压力和焦虑，

that failures and rejections hurt more,

失败和拒绝会伤害你更深， 你也需要更多的时间复原。

and it takes longer to recover from them.

So when you get rejected, the first thing you should be doing

所以如果你被拒绝了， 首要的事情是应该

is to revive your self-esteem,

重新激活你的自尊心，而不是 去拳击俱乐部打拳来发泄。

not join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp.

当你在经历感情上痛苦，

When you're in emotional pain,

treat yourself with the same compassion

像一个真正的好朋友那样同情你自己。

you would expect from a truly good friend.

[Protect Your Self-Esteem]

We have to catch our unhealthy psychological habits and change them.

我们需要改变 不健康的心理习惯。

And one of unhealthiest and most common is called rumination.

最常见又最不健康的习惯之一 就是穷思竭虑。

To ruminate means to chew over.

就是事后反复咀嚼回味一件事。

It's when your boss yells at you

比如你的老板冲你发脾气了， 或是教授在课上让你感到愚蠢，

or your professor makes you feel stupid in class,

or you have big fight with a friend

或是你和好朋友吵架了，

and you just can't stop replaying the scene in your head for days,

然后你不断的在脑海里 回放当时的情况，好几天，

sometimes for weeks on end.

甚至好几个礼拜都不停。

反复回味不愉快的事 很容易变成习惯，

Now, ruminating about upsetting events in this way can easily become a habit,

and it's a very costly one,

而这个习惯代价很大。

because by spending so much time focused on upsetting and negative thoughts,

因为当你在不愉快和 负面的事情上花这么多时间，

你把自己放在一个非常危险的境地，

you are actually putting yourself at significant risk

可能诱发抑郁症，酗酒，饮食失调，

for developing clinical depression,

alcoholism,

eating disorders,

and even cardiovascular disease.

甚至心血管疾病。

The problem is,

问题在于那种反复回味的需要 会变得非常强烈，非常紧迫，

the urge to ruminate can feel really strong and really important,

so it's a difficult habit to stop.

所以这种习惯会很难打破。

I know this for a fact,

我知道事实如此， 因为就在一年多以前，

because a little over a year ago, I developed the habit myself.

我自己就经历了这个习惯。

You see, my twin brother was diagnosed with stage 3 non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

我的双胞胎哥哥 被确诊为三期非霍奇金淋巴瘤。

His cancer was extremely aggressive.

他的癌症来势汹汹。

He had visible tumors all over his body.

全身都有看得到的肿瘤。

And he had to start a harsh course of chemotherapy.

他要做一轮大剂量的化疗。

And I couldn't stop thinking about what he was going through.

我情不自禁去想 他所经历的这一切。

I couldn't stop thinking about how much he was suffering,

情不自禁去想 他受的这些罪，

尽管他从没抱怨过， 一次都没有。

even though he never complained, not once.

He had this incredibly positive attitude.

他有着这种不可思议的积极态度。

他的心理健康程度太了不起了。

His psychological health was amazing.

I was physically healthy, but psychologically, I was a mess.

我身体上很健康， 但心理上我那时是一团糟。

但我知道该怎样做。

But I knew what to do.

Studies tell us that even a two-minute distraction is sufficient

研究表明， 哪怕只是分心短短两分钟

都足以打破那一刻 你穷思竭虑的需求。

to break the urge to ruminate in that moment.

所以每次当我担心， 烦恼，或带有负面情绪时，

And so each time I had a worrying, upsetting, negative thought,

I forced myself to concentrate on something else until the urge passed.

我就强迫自己专注于其他的事情， 直到那种感觉过去。

And within one week, my whole outlook changed

仅仅一周时间， 我的视角就全变了

and became more positive and more hopeful.

变得更积极，更充满希望。

[Battle Negative Thinking]

Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy, my brother had a CAT scan,

做了化疗九周之后， 我哥哥做了电脑断层扫描，

出结果的时候， 我就在他身边。

and I was by his side when he got the results.

All the tumors were gone.

所有的肿瘤都消失了。

He still had three more rounds of chemotherapy to go,

他还得再做三轮化疗，

but we knew he would recover.

但是我们知道他能恢复。

This picture was taken two weeks ago.

这张照片是两周前照的。

By taking action when you're lonely,

当你在孤独的时候采取行动，

by changing your responses to failure,

当你改变对待失败的反应，

by protecting your self-esteem,

当你保护自己的自尊心，

by battling negative thinking,

当你与负面的想法做斗争，

you won't just heal your psychological wounds,

你不仅可以治愈心理上的创伤，

你会建立起情绪恢复能力， 你会变得更强。

you will build emotional resilience,

you will thrive.

A hundred years ago, people began practicing personal hygiene,

一百年以前， 人们开始注重个人卫生，

人的寿命延长了50%还多

and life expectancy rates rose by over 50 percent

in just a matter of decades.

这仅用了十年就实现了。

I believe our quality of life could rise just as dramatically

我相信，我们的生活质量 也会有同样程度的提高

如果我们开始 关注情绪上的保健。

if we all began practicing emotional hygiene.

能想象一下么， 这个世界会是什么样子

Can you imagine what the world would be like

如果每个人都在心理上更健康

if everyone was psychologically healthier?

If there were less loneliness and less depression?

如果世上少一些孤独和抑郁

If people knew how to overcome failure?

如果人们了解 如何走出失败的阴影

If they felt better about themselves and more empowered?

如果人们更自信，充满力量。

If they were happier and more fulfilled?

如果人们更幸福，更满足。

I can, because that's the world I want to live in.

我能，因为那是一个 我想置身其中的世界，

也是我哥哥想置身其中的世界。

And that's the world my brother wants to live in as well.

And if you just become informed and change a few simple habits, well --

只要你了解这些知识， 并改变一些简单的习惯，

那将是一个 我们都能置身其中的世界。

that's the world we can all live in.

非常感谢。

Thank you very much.

(Applause)

（鼓掌）