How to Raise Successful Kids -- Without Over-Parenting | Julie Lythcott-Haims | TED

Prevodilac: Milenka Okuka Lektor: Mile Živković

You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert.

Znate, nije mi bila namera da budem ekspert za roditeljstvo.

In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per Se.

Zapravo, nisam naročito zainteresovana za roditeljstvo samo po sebi.

It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days

Prosto, ovih dana imamo određeni stil roditeljstva

that is kind of messing up kids,

koji na neki način kvari decu,

impeding their chances to develop into theirselves.

potkopava im šanse da se razviju u sebe same.

There's a certain style of parenting these days

Imamo određeni stil roditeljstva ovih dana

that's getting in the way.

koji smeta.

I guess what I'm saying is,

Valjda hoću da kažem,

we spend a lot of time being very concerned

provodimo mnogo vremena veoma zabrinuti

about parents who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kids

za roditelje koji nisu dovoljno uključeni u živote svoje dece

and their education or their upbringing,

i njihovo obrazovanje i podizanje,

and rightly so.

i s pravom je tako.

But at the other end of the spectrum,

Ali na drugom kraju spektra

there's a lot of harm going on there as well,

se takođe mnogo štete nanosi,

where parents feel a kid can't be successful

gde roditelji osećaju da dete ne može da bude uspešno

unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn

ukoliko ga roditelj ne štiti i brani na svakom koraku

and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment,

i ne lebdi iznad svega što se dešava i upravlja svime svakog trena,

and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.

i usmerava svoju decu ka malom podskupu fakulteta i karijera.

When we raise kids this way,

Kada ovako podižemo decu,

and I'll say we,

i reći ću "mi",

because Lord knows, in raising my two teenagers,

jer, sam bog zna, da sam podižući dvoje tinejdžera

I've had these tendencies myself,

i sama imala slične tendencije,

our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood.

naša deca završe vodeći detinjstvo nalik štrikliranim listama.

And here's what the checklisted childhood looks like.

A evo kako štriklirano detinjstvo izgleda.

We keep them safe and sound

Čuvamo ih bezbednim i zdravim

and fed and watered,

i hranimo i pojimo,

and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools,

a potom želimo da se postaramo da pohađaju dobre škole,

that they're in the right classes at the right schools,

da su u dobrim odeljenjima u dobrim školama,

and that they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools.

i da dobiju dobre ocene u dobrim odeljenjima u dobrim školama.

Ali ne samo ocene, prosek,

But not just the grades, the scores,

i ne samo ocene i prosek, već i priznanja i nagrade

and not just the grades and scores, but the accolades and the awards

i da se bave sportom, aktivnostima, predvodništvom.

and the sports, the activities, the leadership.

Govorimo našoj deci, nemojte samo da se učlanite,

We tell our kids, don't just join a club,

osnujte klub jer fakulteti žele to da vide.

start a club, because colleges want to see that.

And check the box for community service.

I štriklirajte polje društvenog rada.

I mean, show the colleges you care about others.

Mislim, pokažite fakultetima da marite za druge.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection.

I sve ovo se radi zarad priželjkivane savršene diplome.

We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection

Očekujemo od dece da imaju vrhunski učinak,

we were never asked to perform at ourselves,

koji nikad nismo tražili od nas samih,

and so because so much is required,

i kako se toliko zahteva od njih,

we think,

smatramo,

well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher

svakako da mi roditelji moramo da se prepiremo sa svakim nastavnikom

and principal and coach and referee

i direktorom i trenerom i sudijom

and act like our kid's concierge

i da se ponašamo kao dečji asistent

and personal handler

i lični sekundant

and secretary.

i sekretarica.

And then with our kids, our precious kids,

I onda s našom decom, našom dragocenom decom,

we spend so much time nudging,

provodimo toliko vremena u poguravanju,

cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be,

dodvoravanju, aludiranju, pomaganju, cenkanju, zakeranju - shodno tome

to be sure they're not screwing up,

kako bismo se postarali da ne završe loše,

not closing doors,

da ne zatvaraju vrata,

not ruining their future,

ne uništavaju svoju budućnost,

some hoped-for admission

nekakav priželjkivani prijem

to a tiny handful of colleges

na šačicu fakulteta

that deny almost every applicant.

koji odbijaju skoro sve kandidate.

And here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.

A evo kako izgleda biti dete u ovom štrikliranom detinjstvu.

First of all, there's no time for free play.

Pre svega, nema vremena za slobodnu igru.

There's no room in the afternoons,

Nema tome mesta tokom popodneva

because everything has to be enriching, we think.

jer sve mora da obogaćuje decu, tako smatramo.

It's as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity

Kao da je svaki domaći zadatak, svaki kviz, svaka aktivnost

is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them,

sudbonosni tren za budućnost koju smo im osmislili,

and we absolve them of helping out around the house,

i oslobađamo ih pomaganja u kućnim aktivnostima,

and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep

čak ih oslobađamo i od sna

as long as they're checking off the items on their checklist.

dokle god štrikliraju zaduženja na svojim listama.

And in the checklisted childhood, we say we just want them to be happy,

A u štrikliranom detinjstvu, govorimo da samo želimo da budu srećna,

but when they come home from school,

ali kad se vrate kući iz škole,

what we ask about all too often first

prečesto prvo što pitamo

is their homework and their grades.

je o domaćim zadacima i ocenama.

And they see in our faces

I ona vide na našim licima

that our approval, that our love,

da naše odobravanje, naša ljubav,

that their very worth,

da sama njihova vrednost

comes from A's.

potiče od petica.

And then we walk alongside them

I onda šetamo uz njih

and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show --

i pružamo im glasnu podršku poput dresera na Vestminsterskoj izložbi pasa -

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther,

nagovaramo ih da skaču malo više i da se vinu malo dalje,

day after day after day.

dan za danom za danom.

And when they get to high school,

A kad stignu do srednje škole,

they don't say, "Well, what might I be interested in studying

ne kažu: "Pa, šta bi me zanimalo da učim

or doing as an activity?"

ili čime da se zanimam?"

They go to counselors and they say,

Odlaze kod savetnika i kažu:

"What do I need to do to get into the right college?"

"Šta bi trebalo da uradim da bih stigla na dobar fakultet?"

And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school,

A onda kad krenu ocene u srednjoj školi

and they're getting some B's,

i počnu da dobijaju četvorke

or God forbid some C's,

ili, ne daj bože, neke trojke,

they frantically text their friends

u panici šalju prijateljima poruke,

and say, "Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?"

pitajući: "Da li je iko upisao dobar fakultet sa ovim ocenama?"

And our kids,

A naša deca,

regardless of where they end up at the end of high school,

bez obzira na to gde završila nakon srednje škole,

they're breathless.

bez daha su.

They're brittle.

Krhka su.

They're a little burned out.

Pomalo su istrošena.

They're a little old before their time,

Pomalo su ostarila pre vremena,

wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said, "What you've done is enough,

želeći da su odrasli iz njihovog života rekli: "Dovoljno ste uradili,

this effort you've put forth in childhood is enough."

ovaj trud koji ste uložili tokom detinjstva je dovoljan."

And they're withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression

I ona trenutno venu pod visokim stopama anksioznosti i depresije,

and some of them are wondering,

a neka od njih se pitaju,

will this life ever turn out to have been worth it?

hoće li ovaj život ikad ispasti vredan svega ovoga?

Well, we parents,

Pa, mi roditelji,

we parents are pretty sure it's all worth it.

mi roditelji smo prilično uvereni da je vredno svega toga.

We seem to behave --

Čini se da se ponašamo -

it's like we literally think they will have no future

kao da bukvalno smatramo da neće imati budućnost,

if they don't get into one of these tiny set of colleges or careers

ako ne upadnu u neki od tih fakulteta i karijera iz uskog kruga,

we have in mind for them.

koje smo zacrtali za njih.

Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid

Ili smo možda, možda, prosto uplašeni

they won't have a future we can brag about

da neće imati budućnost kojom možemo da se hvalimo

to our friends and with stickers on the backs of our cars.

pred našim prijateljima i sa nalepnicama na pozadini automobila.

Yeah.

Da.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

But if you look at what we've done,

No, ako razmotrite šta smo uradili,

if you have the courage to really look at it,

ako imate hrabrosti da to zaista razmotrite,

you'll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes

videćete da ne samo da naša deca misle da vrede onoliko

from grades and scores,

kolike su im ocene i prosek,

but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds

već da kad se uselimo direktno u njihove dragocene umove u razvoju,

all the time, like our very own version of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"

sve vreme, poput sopstvene verzije filma "Biti Džon Malkovič",

we send our children the message:

šaljemo našoj deci poruku:

"Hey kid, I don't think you can actually achieve any of this without me."

"Slušaj, dete, smatram da ništa od ovoga zaista ne bi ostvario bez mene."

And so with our overhelp,

Pa uz našu preteranu pomoć,

our overprotection and overdirection and hand-holding,

našu prezaštićenost i preterano usmeravanje i paženje,

we deprive our kids of the chance to build self-efficacy,

lišavamo našu decu prilike da izgrade samoefikasnost,

which is a really fundamental tenet of the human psyche,

a to je zaista temeljno načelo ljudske psihe,

far more important than that self-esteem they get

daleko važnije od samopouzdanja koje dobiju

every time we applaud.

svaki put kad im aplaudiramo.

Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one's own actions lead to outcomes,

Samoefikasnost se gradi kad pojedinac uvidi da njegova dela daju rezultate,

not --

ne -

There you go.

Samo napred.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

Not one's parents' actions on one's behalf,

A ne dela roditelja u njegovo ime,

but when one's own actions lead to outcomes.

već kad lična dela pojedinca daju rezultate.

So simply put,

Prosto rečeno,

if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must,

ako želimo da naša deca razviju samoefikasnost, a moraju,

then they have to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding,

onda će morati daleko više da razmišljaju, planiraju, odlučuju,

doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,

rade, nadaju se, izlaze na kraj, pokušavaju i greše,

dreaming and experiencing of life

sanjaju i proživljavaju život

for themselves.

samostalno.

Now, am I saying

Sad, da li govorim

every kid is hard-working and motivated

da je svako dete vredno i motivisano

and doesn't need a parent's involvement or interest in their lives,

i nije im potrebno mešanje roditelja i njihovih interesa u život

and we should just back off and let go?

i samo treba da se povučemo i pustimo ih?

Hell no.

Nipošto!

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

That is not what I'm saying.

Ne govorim to.

What I'm saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards

Govorim da kad tretiramo ocene i prosek i priznanja i nagrade

as the purpose of childhood,

kao svrhu detinjstva,

all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges

a sve zbog približavanja upisu na neki priželjkivani fakultet

or entrance to a small number of careers,

ili ulasku u maleni krug karijera,

that that's too narrow a definition of success for our kids.

to je suviše svedena definicija uspeha za našu decu.

And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins

I, iako im možemo pomoći da dobiju neke kratkoročne pobede

by overhelping --

preteranim pomaganjem -

like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework,

poput dobijanja boljih ocena, ako im pomažemo s domaćim,

they might end up with a longer childhood résumé when we help --

možda će imati dužu biografiju detinjstva kad im pomažemo -

what I'm saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost

govorim da sve ovo na duže staze šteti

to their sense of self.

njihovoj svesti o sebi.

What I'm saying is, we should be less concerned

Govorim da bi trebalo da manje budemo obuzeti

with the specific set of colleges

određenim krugom fakulteta

they might be able to apply to or might get into

na koje mogu da se prijave ili ih možda upišu,

and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set,

a daleko više zainteresovani time da steknu navike, mentalni sklop, veštine,

the wellness, to be successful wherever they go.

dobrostanje, da budu uspešni kuda god da krenu.

What I'm saying is,

Govorim

our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores

da zbog naše dece moramo da budemo manje opsednuti ocenama i prosekom,

and a whole lot more interested

a daleko zainteresovaniji

in childhood providing a foundation for their success

za to da im detinjstvo obezbedi temelj za njihov uspeh,

built on things like love

sagrađen od nečega kao što je ljubav

and chores.

i kućni poslovi.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did.

Da li sam rekla kućni poslovi? Da li sam to upravo rekla? Zaista jesam.

But really, here's why.

Uistinu, evo zašto.

The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted

Najduže longitudinalno istraživanje ljudi ikad sprovedeno

is called the Harvard Grant Study.

se naziva Istraživanje Harvard Grant.

It found that professional success in life,

Otkrilo je da profesionalni uspeh u životu,

which is what we want for our kids,

nešto što želimo našoj deci,

that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a kid,

da profesionalni uspeh u životu proističe iz obavljanja kućnih poslova u detinjstvu

and the earlier you started, the better,

i što ranije počnete, to bolje,

that a roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset,

da mentalni sklop - zavrnuti-rukave-i-pripomoći,

a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work,

mentalni sklop koji kaže: postoji i neprijatan posao,

someone's got to do it, it might as well be me,

neko mora da ga obavi, bolje da to budem ja;

a mindset that says,

mentalni sklop koji kaže:

I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole,

priložiću svoj trud zarad sveukupnog boljitka -

that that's what gets you ahead in the workplace.

tako se napreduje na radnom mestu.

Now, we all know this. You know this.

E sad, svi ovo znamo. Vi ovo znate.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood,

Svi ovo znamo, pa ipak u štrikliranom detinjstvu,

we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house,

oslobađamo decu kućnih poslova,

and then they end up as young adults in the workplace

i ona završe kao mladi ljudi na radnom mestu

still waiting for a checklist,

i dalje čekajući na listu za štrikliranje,

but it doesn't exist,

koja ne postoji;

and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct

a što je još značajnije, nedostaje im potisak, instinkt

to roll up their sleeves and pitch in

da zavrnu rukave i pripomognu

and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues?

i da se osvrnu i zapitaju: kako mogu da budem od pomoći kolegama?

How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?

Kako da unapred predvidim šta bi mom šefu trebalo?

A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant Study

Drugo, veoma važno otkriće iz Istraživanja Harvard Grant

said that happiness in life

kaže da sreća u životu

comes from love,

proističe iz ljubavi,

not love of work,

ne ljubavi prema poslu,

love of humans:

već ljubavi prema ljudima:

our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family.

našem supružniku, našem partneru, našim prijateljima, našoj porodici.

So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love,

Stoga bi deca u detinjstvu trebalo da nauče da vole,

and they can't love others if they don't first love themselves,

a ne mogu da vole druge, ako prevashodno ne vole sebe,

and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them unconditional love.

a neće voleti sebe, ako im ne pružimo bezuslovnu ljubav.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

Right.

Tačno tako.

And so,

I stoga,

instead of being obsessed with grades and scores

umesto opsednutosti ocenama i prosekom,

when our precious offspring come home from school,

kad se naš dragoceni potomak vrati kući iz škole,

or we come home from work,

ili se mi vratimo kući s posla,

we need to close our technology, put away our phones,

trebalo bi da isključimo tehnologiju, odložimo telefone

and look them in the eye

i da ih pogledamo u oči

and let them see the joy that fills our faces

i dozvolimo im da vide radost koja nam obasjava lica

when we see our child for the first time in a few hours.

jer vidimo svoju decu prvi put nakon nekoliko sati.

And then we have to say,

A onda moramo da pitamo:

"How was your day?

"Kako ste proveli dan?

What did you like about today?"

Šta vam je danas bilo lepo?"

And when your teenage daughter says, "Lunch," like mine did,

A kad vaša tinejdžerka odgovori: "Užina", kao što moja radi,

and I want to hear about the math test,

a ja želim da čujem o kontrolnom iz matematike,

not lunch,

a ne o užini,

you have to still take an interest in lunch.

i dalje se morate zainteresovati za užinu.

You gotta say, "What was great about lunch today?"

Morate da pitate: "Šta je tako krasno bilo kod današnje užine?"

They need to know they matter to us as humans,

Moraju da znaju da su nam važni kao ljudi,

not because of their GPA.

a ne zbog proseka.

All right, so you're thinking, chores and love,

U redu, sad mislite, kućni poslovi i ljubav,

that sounds all well and good, but give me a break.

sve to zvuči sjajno, ali manite me se.

The colleges want to see top scores and grades

Fakulteti žele da vide vrhunski prosek i ocene

and accolades and awards, and I'm going to tell you, sort of.

i priznanja i nagrade, a ja vam kažem da nije baš tako.

The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults,

Najuglednije škole to traže od naše omladine,

but here's the good news.

ali evo dobrih vijesti.

Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe --

Nasuprot tome u šta nas uveravaju reketaši koji rangiraju fakultete -

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

you don't have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools

ne morate da pohađate najugledniju školu

to be happy and successful in life.

da biste bili srećni i uspešni u životu.

Happy and successful people went to state school,

Srećni i uspešni ljudi su pohađali državne škole,

went to a small college no one has heard of,

pohađali su manje fakultete za koje niko nije čuo,

went to community college,

pohađali su državne fakultete,

went to a college over here and flunked out.

pohađali su te tamo fakultete i napuštali ih.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

The evidence is in this room, is in our communities,

Dokaz je u ovoj prostoriji, u našim zajednicama,

that this is the truth.

da je ovo istina.

And if we could widen our blinders

I ako bismo proširili vidike

and be willing to look at a few more colleges,

i bili voljni da razmotrimo još par fakulteta,

maybe remove our own egos from the equation,

možda uklonili sopstveni ego iz jednačine,

we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize,

mogli bismo da prihvatimo i prigrlimo ovu istinu i da shvatimo,

it is hardly the end of the world

teško da je smak sveta,

if our kids don't go to one of those big brand-name schools.

ako naša deca ne pohađaju jedan od tih uglednijih fakulteta.

And more importantly,

I što je još važnije,

if their childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist

ako detinjstvo ne prožive prema tiranskoj listi za štrikliranje,

then when they get to college,

onda će kad upišu fakultet,

whichever one it is,

koji god to bio,

well, they'll have gone there on their own volition,

pa, stići će tamo samovoljno,

fueled by their own desire,

pokrenuti sopstvenom željom,

capable and ready to thrive there.

sposobni i spremni da uspeju tamo.

I have to admit something to you.

Moram nešto da vam priznam.

I've got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery.

Pomenula sam da imam dvoje dece, Sojera i Ejveri.

They're teenagers.

Tinejdžeri su.

And once upon a time,

I nekada davno,

I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery

mislim da sam tretirala mog Sojera i moju Ejveri

like little bonsai trees --

poput malenog bonsai drveća -

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

that I was going to carefully clip and prune

htela sam pažljivo da ih podšišam i potkrešem

and shape into some perfect form of a human

i oblikujem u nekakva savršena ljudska bića,

that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission

koja će možda biti dovoljno savršena da obezbede sebi upis

to one of the most highly selective colleges.

na jedan od najizbirljivijih fakulteta.

But I've come to realize, after working with thousands of other people's kids --

Ali sam shvatila, radeći sa hiljadama tuđe dece -

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

and raising two kids of my own,

i podižući dvoje sopstvene dece,

my kids aren't bonsai trees.

da moja deca nisu bonsai drveće.

They're wildflowers

Ona su livadsko cveće

of an unknown genus and species --

nepoznatog roda i vrste -

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

and it's my job to provide a nourishing environment,

a moj je posao da im obezbedim plodno okruženje,

to strengthen them through chores

da ih ojačam kroz kućne poslove

and to love them so they can love others and receive love

i da ih volim kako bi oni znali da vole druge i prihvate ljubav,

and the college, the major, the career,

a fakultet, odsek, karijera,

that's up to them.

to je na njima.

My job is not to make them become what I would have them become,

Moj posao nije da ih nateram da postanu ono što ja želim da postanu,

but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.

već da im pružim podršku da ostvare svoje najuzvišenije "ja".

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)