How to Raise Successful Kids -- Without Over-Parenting | Julie Lythcott-Haims | TED

3,957,019 views ใƒป 2016-10-04

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ูŠุฑุฌู‰ ุงู„ู†ู‚ุฑ ู†ู‚ุฑู‹ุง ู…ุฒุฏูˆุฌู‹ุง ููˆู‚ ุงู„ุชุฑุฌู…ุฉ ุงู„ุฅู†ุฌู„ูŠุฒูŠุฉ ุฃุฏู†ุงู‡ ู„ุชุดุบูŠู„ ุงู„ููŠุฏูŠูˆ.

ุงู„ู…ุชุฑุฌู…: Fatima Zahra El Hafa ุงู„ู…ุฏู‚ู‘ู‚: muhammad Samir
00:12
You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert.
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ู„ู… ุฃุฎุทุท ู„ุฃูƒูˆู† ุฎุจูŠุฑุฉ ููŠ ุชุฑุจูŠุฉ ุงู„ุฃุจู†ุงุก.
00:16
In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per Se.
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ููŠ ุงู„ูˆุงู‚ุนุŒ ุฃู†ุง ู„ุณุช ู…ู‡ุชู…ุฉ ูƒุซูŠุฑู‹ุง ุจุชุฑุจูŠุฉ ุงู„ุฃุจู†ุงุกุŒ ููŠ ุญุฏ ุฐุงุชู‡ุง.
00:21
It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days
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ู‡ู†ุงูƒ ูู‚ุท ู†ู…ุท ุชุฑุจูŠุฉ ู…ุนูŠู† ููŠ ู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ุฃูŠุงู…
00:25
that is kind of messing up kids,
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ูŠูุณุฏ ุงู„ุฃุจู†ุงุก ู†ูˆุนู‹ุง ู…ุงุŒ
00:28
impeding their chances to develop into theirselves.
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ูˆูŠุนูˆู‚ ูุฑุตู‡ู… ููŠ ุงู„ุชุทูˆุฑ ู„ูŠุตุจุญูˆุง ุฃู†ูุณู‡ู….
00:33
There's a certain style of parenting these days
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ู‡ู†ุงูƒ ู†ู…ุท ุชุฑุจูŠุฉ ู…ุนูŠู† ููŠ ู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ุฃูŠุงู…
00:35
that's getting in the way.
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ูŠูุนุฑู‚ู„ ุงู„ุทุฑูŠู‚.
00:36
I guess what I'm saying is,
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ู…ุง ุฃุฑูŠุฏู ู‚ูˆู„ู‡ ู‡ูˆุŒ
00:38
we spend a lot of time being very concerned
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ุฃู†ู†ุง ู†ู†ูู‚ ุงู„ูƒุซูŠุฑ ู…ู† ุงู„ูˆู‚ุช ููŠ ุงู„ู‚ู„ู‚ ูƒุซูŠุฑู‹ุง
00:40
about parents who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kids
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ุญูˆู„ ุงู„ุขุจุงุก ูˆุงู„ุฃู…ู‡ุงุช ุงู„ุฐูŠู† ู„ุง ูŠุดุงุฑูƒูˆู† ุจู…ุง ููŠู‡ ุงู„ูƒูุงูŠุฉ ููŠ ุญูŠุงุฉ ุฃุจู†ุงุฆู‡ู…
00:44
and their education or their upbringing,
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ูˆุชุนู„ูŠู…ู‡ู… ุฃูˆ ุชุฑุจูŠุชู‡ู…ุŒ
00:46
and rightly so.
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ูˆู†ุญู† ู…ุญู‚ูˆู† ููŠ ุฐู„ูƒ.
00:48
But at the other end of the spectrum,
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ูˆู„ูƒู† ุนู„ูŠ ุงู„ุฌุงู†ุจ ุงู„ุฃุฎุฑ ู…ู† ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑุŒ
00:50
there's a lot of harm going on there as well,
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ู‡ู†ุงูƒ ุฃุฐู‰ ูƒุซูŠุฑ ูŠุญุตู„ ุฃูŠุถู‹ุงุŒ
00:53
where parents feel a kid can't be successful
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ุญูŠู† ูŠุดุนุฑ ุงู„ุฃู‡ู„ ุฃู† ุงู„ุทูู„ ู„ุง ูŠู…ูƒู† ุฃู† ูŠู†ุฌุญ
00:56
unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn
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ุฅู„ุง ุชุญุช ุงู„ุญู…ุงูŠุฉ ูˆุงู„ุชุฏุฎู„ ุงู„ู…ุณุชู…ุฑูŠู† ู„ู„ุฃุจ ุฃูˆ ุงู„ุฃู…
01:00
and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment,
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ูˆุงู„ุชุฎุทูŠุท ุงู„ู…ุณุจู‚ ู„ุฃูŠ ุญุฏุซ ุŒ ูˆุชุณูŠูŠุฑ ูƒู„ ู„ุญุธุฉ ุŒ
01:03
and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.
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ูˆุชูˆุฌูŠู‡ ุงู„ุทูู„ ู†ุญูˆ ู†ูˆุนูŠุฉ ุตุบูŠุฑุฉ ู…ู† ุงู„ุฌุงู…ุนุงุช ูˆุงู„ู…ู‡ู†.
01:10
When we raise kids this way,
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ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ู†ุฑุจูŠ ุงู„ุฃุทูุงู„ ุจู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ุทุฑูŠู‚ุฉุŒ
01:13
and I'll say we,
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ูˆุฃู†ุง ุฃู‚ูˆู„ "ู†ุญู†"ุŒ
01:15
because Lord knows, in raising my two teenagers,
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ู„ุฃู† ุงู„ุฑุจ ูŠุนู„ู…ุŒ ุฃู†ู†ูŠ ูˆุฎู„ุงู„ ุชุฑุจูŠุชูŠ ู„ูˆู„ุฏุงูŠ ุงู„ู…ุฑุงู‡ู‚ูŠู†ุŒ
01:17
I've had these tendencies myself,
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ูƒุงู†ุช ู„ุฏูŠ ุฃู†ุง ุฃูŠุถู‹ุง ู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ู…ูŠูˆู„ุŒ
01:20
our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood.
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ูŠู†ุชู‡ูŠ ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ุจุนูŠุด ุฃุจู†ุงุฆู†ุง ุทููˆู„ุฉ ู…ุฑุณูˆู…ุฉ ูˆู…ุญุฏุฏุฉ.
01:25
And here's what the checklisted childhood looks like.
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ูˆู‡ุฐุง ู‡ูˆ ู…ุง ุชุจุฏูˆ ุนู„ูŠู‡ ู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ุทููˆู„ุฉ.
01:27
We keep them safe and sound
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ู†ุญู† ู†ุญุงูุธ ุนู„ู‰ ุณู„ุงู…ุชู‡ู… ูˆุฃู…ู†ู‡ู…ุŒ
01:30
and fed and watered,
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ูˆู†ูˆูุฑ ู„ู‡ู… ุงู„ู…ุฃูƒู„ ูˆุงู„ู…ุดุฑุจุŒ
01:33
and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools,
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ูˆุจุนุฏู‡ุง ู†ุฑูŠุฏ ุฃู† ู†ุชุฃูƒุฏ ุฃู†ู‡ู… ุณูŠุฐู‡ุจูˆู† ุฅู„ู‰ ุงู„ู…ุฏุงุฑุณ ุงู„ู…ู†ุงุณุจุฉุŒ
01:36
that they're in the right classes at the right schools,
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ูˆุงู„ุตููˆู ุงู„ู…ู†ุงุณุจุฉ ููŠ ุงู„ู…ุฏุงุฑุณ ุงู„ู…ู†ุงุณุจุฉุŒ
01:38
and that they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools.
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ูˆุฃู†ู‡ู… ุณูŠุญุตู„ูˆู† ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ุฏุฑุฌุงุช ุงู„ู…ู†ุงุณุจุฉ ููŠ ุงู„ุตููˆู ุงู„ู…ู†ุงุณุจุฉ ููŠ ุงู„ู…ุฏุงุฑุณ ุงู„ู…ู†ุงุณุจุฉ.
ูˆู„ูƒู† ู„ูŠุณ ูู‚ุท ุงู„ุฏุฑุฌุงุช ูˆุงู„ุนู„ุงู…ุงุชุŒ
01:42
But not just the grades, the scores,
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ุจู„ ุงู„ุฃูˆุณู…ุฉ ูˆุงู„ุฌูˆุงุฆุฒ ุฃูŠุถู‹ุง
01:44
and not just the grades and scores, but the accolades and the awards
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ูˆุงู„ุฃู„ุนุงุจ ุงู„ุฑูŠุงุถูŠุฉ ูˆุงู„ุฃู†ุดุทุฉ ูˆุงู„ู‚ูŠุงุฏุฉ.
01:47
and the sports, the activities, the leadership.
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ู†ุญู† ู†ู‚ูˆู„ ู„ุฃุจู†ุงุฆู†ุงุŒ ู„ุง ุชู†ุถู…ูˆุง ุฅู„ู‰ ู†ุงุฏู ู…ุง ูู‚ุทุŒ
01:49
We tell our kids, don't just join a club,
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ุจู„ ุฃุณุณูˆุง ู†ุงุฏูŠู‹ุง ุฌุฏูŠุฏู‹ุงุŒ ู„ุฃู† ุงู„ุฌุงู…ุนุงุช ุชุฑูŠุฏ ุฃู† ุชุฑู‰ ุฐู„ูƒ.
01:51
start a club, because colleges want to see that.
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01:53
And check the box for community service.
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ูˆุถุนูˆุง ุนู„ุงู…ุฉ ููŠ ุฎุงู†ุฉ ุฎุฏู…ุฉ ุงู„ู…ุฌุชู…ุน.
01:55
I mean, show the colleges you care about others.
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ูˆุฃุธู‡ุฑูˆุง ู„ู„ุฌุงู…ุนุงุช ุฃู†ูƒู… ุชู‡ุชู…ูˆู† ุจุงู„ุขุฎุฑูŠู†.
01:58
(Laughter)
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(ุถุญูƒ)
02:00
And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection.
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ูˆูŠุชู… ูƒู„ ู‡ุฐุง ููŠ ุฃู…ู„ ุงู„ูˆุตูˆู„ ุฅู„ู‰ ุฏุฑุฌุฉ ู…ู† ุงู„ูƒู…ุงู„.
02:05
We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection
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ู†ุญู† ู†ุชูˆู‚ุน ู…ู† ุฃุจู†ุงุฆู†ุง ุฃู† ูŠู‚ุฏู…ูˆุง ุฃุฏุงุก ุนู„ู‰ ู…ุณุชูˆู‰ ู…ุนูŠู† ู…ู† ุงู„ูƒู…ุงู„
02:07
we were never asked to perform at ourselves,
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ู„ู… ู†ุณุชุทุน ู†ุญู† ุฃู†ูุณู†ุง ุงู„ูˆุตูˆู„ ุฅู„ูŠู‡ุŒ
02:11
and so because so much is required,
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ูˆู„ุฃู† ุงู„ู…ุทุงู„ุจ ูƒุซูŠุฑุฉุŒ
02:13
we think,
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ูู†ุญู† ู†ุนุชู‚ุฏุŒ
02:14
well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher
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ุฃู†ู‡ ูŠุฌุจ ุนู„ูŠู†ุง ุทุจุนู‹ุง ูƒุขุจุงุก ู…ุฌุงุฏู„ุฉ ูƒู„ ู…ุฏุฑุณ
02:17
and principal and coach and referee
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ูˆู…ุฏูŠุฑ ูˆู…ุฏุฑุจ ูˆุญูŽูƒูŽู…
02:20
and act like our kid's concierge
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ูˆู†ุชุตุฑู ู…ุซู„ ุจูŽูˆู‘ูŽุงุจู‹ ู„ุทูู„ู†ุง
02:23
and personal handler
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ูˆุฑุงุนู ุดุฎุตูŠ
02:25
and secretary.
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ูˆุณูƒุฑุชูŠุฑ.
02:27
And then with our kids, our precious kids,
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ูˆุฃูŠุถู‹ุง ู…ุน ุฃุทูุงู„ู†ุงุŒ ุฃุทูุงู„ู†ุง ุงู„ุบุงู„ูŠู†ุŒ
02:29
we spend so much time nudging,
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ู†ู‚ุถูŠ ุงู„ูƒุซูŠุฑ ู…ู† ุงู„ูˆู‚ุช ููŠ ุชุดุฌูŠุนู‡ู…ุŒ
02:32
cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be,
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ูˆุงู„ุชู…ู„ู‚ ูˆุชู‚ุฏูŠู… ุงู„ู…ุดูˆุฑุฉ ูˆุงู„ู…ุณุงุนุฏุฉ ู„ู‡ู… ูˆู…ุณุงูˆู…ุชู‡ู… ูˆู…ุถุงูŠู‚ุชู‡ู… ุฅุฐุง ุชุทู„ุจ ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑุŒ
02:36
to be sure they're not screwing up,
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ู„ู„ุชุฃูƒุฏ ู…ู† ุฃู†ู‡ู… ู„ู† ูŠูุณุฏูˆุง ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑุŒ
02:39
not closing doors,
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ู„ู† ูŠุบู„ู‚ูˆุง ุงู„ุฃุจูˆุงุจุŒ
02:41
not ruining their future,
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ูˆู„ู† ูŠุฏู…ุฑูˆุง ู…ุณุชู‚ุจู„ู‡ู…ุŒ
02:44
some hoped-for admission
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ูˆู‚ุจูˆู„ ู…ุฃู…ูˆู„
02:46
to a tiny handful of colleges
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ู„ู„ุฐู‡ุงุจ ู„ู†ูˆุน ู…ุนูŠู† ู…ู† ุงู„ุฌุงู…ุนุงุช
02:49
that deny almost every applicant.
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ุงู„ุชูŠ ุชุฑูุถ ูƒู„ ุงู„ู…ุฑุดุญูŠู† ุชู‚ุฑูŠุจู‹ุง.
02:54
And here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
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ูˆู‡ุฐุง ู‡ูˆ ู…ุง ูŠุดุนุฑ ุจู‡ ุฃูŠ ุทูู„ ูŠุนูŠุด ู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ุทููˆู„ุฉ ุงู„ู…ุฑุณูˆู…ุฉ.
03:00
First of all, there's no time for free play.
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ุฃูˆู„ุงู‹ ูˆู‚ุจู„ ูƒู„ ุดูŠุกุŒ ู„ูŠุณ ู‡ู†ุงูƒ ูˆู‚ุช ู„ู„ุนุจ .
03:02
There's no room in the afternoons,
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ู„ูŠุณ ู‡ู†ุงูƒ ูุฑุงุบ ููŠ ูุชุฑุฉ ุจุนุฏ ุงู„ุธู‡ุฑุŒ
03:04
because everything has to be enriching, we think.
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ู„ุฃู†ู†ุง ู†ุนุชู‚ุฏ ุฃู† ูƒู„ ุดูŠุก ูŠุฌุจ ุฃู† ูŠูƒูˆู† ู…ุซุฑูŠู‹ุง.
03:07
It's as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity
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ูƒู…ุง ู„ูˆ ุฃู† ูƒู„ ูˆุงุฌุจ ู…ู†ุฒู„ูŠุŒ ูƒู„ ู…ุณุงุจู‚ุฉุŒ ูƒู„ ู†ุดุงุท
03:10
is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them,
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ู‡ูŠ ู„ุญุธุฉ ู‚ุฑุงุฑ ุญุงุณู…ุฉ ุจุงู„ู†ุณุจุฉ ู„ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ู…ุณุชู‚ุจู„ ุงู„ุฐูŠ ู†ุชุตูˆุฑู‡ ู„ู‡ู…ุŒ
03:15
and we absolve them of helping out around the house,
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ูˆู†ุญู† ู†ุนููŠู‡ู… ู…ู† ุงู„ู…ุณุงุนุฏุฉ ููŠ ุงู„ุฃุนู…ุงู„ ุงู„ู…ู†ุฒู„ูŠุฉุŒ
03:18
and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep
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ูˆู†ุนููŠู‡ู… ุญุชู‰ ู…ู† ุงู„ุญุตูˆู„ ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ู‚ุฏุฑ ุงู„ูƒุงููŠ ู…ู† ุงู„ู†ูˆู…
03:21
as long as they're checking off the items on their checklist.
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ุทุงู„ู…ุง ู‡ู… ููŠ ุทูˆุฑ ุฅู†ุฌุงุฒ ุงู„ุฃู…ูˆุฑ ุงู„ู…ุฏุฑุฌุฉ ุนู„ู‰ ู‚ุงุฆู…ุชู‡ู….
03:26
And in the checklisted childhood, we say we just want them to be happy,
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ูˆุฎู„ุงู„ ู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ุทููˆู„ุฉ ุงู„ู…ุฑุณูˆู…ุฉุŒ ู†ู‚ูˆู„ ุฃู†ู†ุง ู†ุฑูŠุฏ ูู‚ุท ุฃู† ูŠูƒูˆู†ูˆุง ุณุนุฏุงุกุŒ
03:30
but when they come home from school,
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ูˆู„ูƒู† ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ูŠุฃุชูˆู† ู…ู† ุงู„ู…ุฏุฑุณุฉ ุฅู„ู‰ ุงู„ุจูŠุชุŒ
03:32
what we ask about all too often first
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ูุฅู† ุฃูˆู„ ู…ุง ู†ุณุฃู„ ุนู†ู‡ ุบุงู„ุจู‹ุง
03:35
is their homework and their grades.
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ู‡ูˆ ูˆุงุฌุจุงุชู‡ู… ูˆุฏุฑุฌุงุชู‡ู….
03:38
And they see in our faces
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ูˆู‡ู… ูŠุฑูˆู† ุนู„ู‰ ูˆุฌูˆู‡ู†ุง
03:40
that our approval, that our love,
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ุฃู† ู…ูˆุงูู‚ุชู†ุงุŒ ุฃู† ุญุจู†ุงุŒ
03:43
that their very worth,
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ุฃู† ู‚ูŠู…ุชู‡ู… ุจุญุฏ ุฐุงุชู‡ุงุŒ
03:45
comes from A's.
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ู…ู‚ุฑูˆู†ุฉ ุจุชุญุตูŠู„ู‡ู… ุฏุฑุฌุฉ "ู…ู…ุชุงุฒ".
03:46
And then we walk alongside them
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ุซู… ู†ุณูŠุฑ ุจุฌุงู†ุจู‡ู…
03:49
and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show --
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ูˆู†ู‚ูŽุฑู’ู‚ูุฑ ูƒุงู„ุฏุฌุงุฌ ุจุงู„ุซู†ุงุก ู…ุซู„ ู…ุฏุฑุจ ููŠ ุจุฑู†ุงู…ุฌ ุงุณุชุนุฑุงุถูŠ ู„ู„ูƒู„ุงุจ -
03:54
(Laughter)
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(ุถุญูƒ)
03:55
coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther,
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ู…ุญุงูˆู„ูŠู† ุฅู‚ู†ุงุนู‡ู… ุจุงู„ู‚ูุฒ ุฅู„ู‰ ุงู„ุฃุนู„ู‰ ู‚ู„ูŠู„ุงู‹ ูˆุงู„ุชุญู„ูŠู‚ ุฃุจุนุฏ ู‚ู„ูŠู„ุงู‹ุŒ
04:00
day after day after day.
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ูŠูˆู…ู‹ุง ุจุนุฏ ูŠูˆู… ุจุนุฏ ูŠูˆู….
04:03
And when they get to high school,
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ูˆุนู†ุฏู…ุง ูŠุตู„ูˆู† ุฅู„ู‰ ุงู„ู…ุฑุญู„ุฉ ุงู„ุซุงู†ูˆูŠุฉุŒ
04:05
they don't say, "Well, what might I be interested in studying
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ู„ุง ูŠุชุณุงุกู„ูˆู†: "ุญุณู†ู‹ุงุŒ ู…ุง ู‡ูˆ ุงู„ู…ุฌุงู„ ุงู„ุฐูŠ ุฃุฑุบุจ ููŠ ุฏุฑุงุณุชู‡ุŸ
04:08
or doing as an activity?"
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ุฃูˆ ุงู„ู†ุดุงุท ุงู„ุฐูŠ ุฃุฑูŠุฏ ู…ู…ุงุฑุณุชู‡ุŸ"
04:09
They go to counselors and they say,
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ุฅู†ู‡ู… ูŠุฐู‡ุจูˆู† ุฅู„ู‰ ุงู„ู…ุณุชุดุงุฑูŠู† ูˆูŠู‚ูˆู„ูˆู†:
04:11
"What do I need to do to get into the right college?"
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"ู…ุง ุงู„ุฐูŠ ูŠุฌุจ ุนู„ูŠ ุงู„ู‚ูŠุงู… ุจู‡ ู„ู„ุฐู‡ุงุจ ู„ู„ุฌุงู…ุนุฉ ุงู„ู…ู†ุงุณุจุฉุŸ"
04:15
And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school,
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ูˆุจุนุฏ ุฐู„ูƒุŒ ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ุชุจุฏุฃ ุงู„ุฏุฑุฌุงุช ุจุงู„ุงู†ุฎูุงุถ ููŠ ุงู„ู…ุฏุฑุณุฉ ุงู„ุซุงู†ูˆูŠุฉุŒ
04:18
and they're getting some B's,
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ูˆูŠุญุตู„ูˆู† ุนู„ู‰ ุฏุฑุฌุฉ "ุฌูŠุฏ ุฌุฏู‹ุง"ุŒ
04:19
or God forbid some C's,
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ุฃูˆ ุฏุฑุฌุฉ "ุฌูŠุฏ" ู„ุง ุณู…ุญ ุงู„ู„ู‡ุŒ
04:22
they frantically text their friends
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ูุฅู†ู‡ู… ูŠุฑุงุณู„ูˆู† ุฃุตุฏู‚ุงุฆู‡ู… ูˆูŠุณุฃู„ูˆู†:
04:24
and say, "Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?"
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" ู‡ู„ ุงุณุชุทุงุน ุดุฎุต ู…ุง ู…ู† ู‚ุจู„ ุงู„ุฐู‡ุงุจ ู„ู„ุฌุงู…ุนุฉ ุงู„ู…ู†ุงุณุจุฉ ุจุฏุฑุฌุงุช ูƒู‡ุฐู‡ุŸ"
04:29
And our kids,
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ูˆุฃุทูุงู„ู†ุงุŒ
04:31
regardless of where they end up at the end of high school,
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ุจุบุถ ุงู„ู†ุธุฑ ุนู† ุงู„ู…ูƒุงู† ุงู„ุฐูŠ ูŠุฐู‡ุจูˆู† ุฅู„ูŠู‡ ุจุนุฏ ุงู„ู…ุฑุญู„ุฉ ุงู„ุซุงู†ูˆูŠุฉุŒ
04:35
they're breathless.
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ูŠูƒูˆู†ูˆู† ู‚ุฏ ุงุณุชู‡ู„ูƒูˆุง ุฃู†ู’ููŽุงุณู‡ู… ุจุงู„ูƒุงู…ู„.
04:37
They're brittle.
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ูŠุตุงุจูˆู† ุจุงู„ู‡ุดุงุดุฉ
04:38
They're a little burned out.
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ูˆุงู„ุฅุฑู‡ุงู‚.
04:40
They're a little old before their time,
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ูˆูŠูƒุจุฑูˆู† ู‚ุจู„ ุงู„ุฃูˆุงู†ุŒ
04:42
wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said, "What you've done is enough,
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ู…ุชู…ู†ูŠู† ุฃู† ุงู„ุฃุดุฎุงุต ุงู„ุจุงู„ุบูŠู† ููŠ ุญูŠุงุชู‡ู… ู‚ุงู„ูˆุง: "ู…ุง ู‚ู…ุชูŽ ุจู‡ ูƒุงูุŒ
04:46
this effort you've put forth in childhood is enough."
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ุงู„ุฌู‡ุฏ ุงู„ุฐูŠ ุจุฐู„ุชูŽู‡ ุฎู„ุงู„ ุทููˆู„ุชูƒ ูƒุงู."
04:49
And they're withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression
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ูˆู‡ู… ูŠูุฏู…ู‘ูŽุฑูˆู† ุงู„ุขู† ุจู…ุนุฏู„ุงุช ุนุงู„ูŠุฉ ู…ู† ุงู„ู‚ู„ู‚ ูˆุงู„ุงูƒุชุฆุงุจ
04:53
and some of them are wondering,
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ูˆุจุนุถู‡ู… ูŠุชุณุงุกู„ูˆู†
04:55
will this life ever turn out to have been worth it?
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ู…ุง ุฅุฐุง ูƒุงู†ุช ู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ุญูŠุงุฉ ุชุณุชุญู‚ ูƒู„ ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ุนู†ุงุก.
05:01
Well, we parents,
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ู†ุญู†ุŒ ุงู„ุขุจุงุกุŒ
05:03
we parents are pretty sure it's all worth it.
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ู†ุญู† ุงู„ุขุจุงุก ูˆุงุซู‚ูˆู† ุชู…ุงู…ู‹ุง ุฃู† ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ูŠุณุชุญู‚ ูƒู„ ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ุนู†ุงุก.
05:06
We seem to behave --
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ุฅู†ู†ุง ู†ุชุตุฑู -
05:08
it's like we literally think they will have no future
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ูƒู…ุง ู„ูˆ ุฃู†ู†ุง ู†ุนุชู‚ุฏ ุญุฑููŠู‹ุง ุฃู†ู‡ ู„ุง ู…ุณุชู‚ุจู„ ู„ู‡ู…
05:10
if they don't get into one of these tiny set of colleges or careers
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ุฅุฐุง ู„ู… ูŠุฐู‡ุจูˆุง ู„ุฅุญุฏู‰ ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ุฌุงู…ุนุงุช ุฃูˆ ุงู„ู…ู‡ู†
05:15
we have in mind for them.
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ุงู„ุชูŠ ู†ุฑูŠุฏู‡ุง ู„ู‡ู….
05:17
Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid
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ุฃูˆ ุฑุจู…ุงุŒ ุฑุจู…ุงุŒ ู†ุญู† ู†ุฎุดู‰ ูู‚ุท
05:21
they won't have a future we can brag about
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ู…ู† ุนุฏู… ุญุตูˆู„ู‡ู… ุนู„ู‰ ู…ุณุชู‚ุจู„ ูŠู…ูƒู†ู†ุง ุงู„ุชุจุงู‡ูŠ ุจู‡
05:23
to our friends and with stickers on the backs of our cars.
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ุฃู…ุงู… ุฃุตุฏู‚ุงุฆู†ุง ูˆููŠ ู…ู„ุตู‚ุงุช ุนู„ู‰ ุณูŠุงุฑุงุชู†ุง.
05:29
Yeah.
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ุจู„ู‰.
05:30
(Applause)
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(ุชุตููŠู‚)
05:36
But if you look at what we've done,
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ูˆู„ูƒู† ุฅุฐุง ู†ุธุฑุชู… ุฅู„ู‰ ู…ุง ูุนู„ู†ุงู‡ุŒ
05:39
if you have the courage to really look at it,
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ุฅุฐุง ูƒุงู†ุช ู„ุฏูŠูƒู… ุงู„ุดุฌุงุนุฉ ูุนู„ุงู‹ ู„ู„ู†ุธุฑ ููŠ ุฐู„ูƒุŒ
05:43
you'll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes
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ูุณุชุฑูˆู† ุฃู† ุฃุจู†ุงุกู†ุง ู„ุง ูŠุนุชู‚ุฏูˆู† ูู‚ุท ุฃู† ู‚ูŠู…ุชู‡ู… ู…ู‚ุฑูˆู†ุฉ
05:46
from grades and scores,
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ุจุงู„ุฏุฑุฌุงุช ูˆุงู„ุนู„ุงู…ุงุชุŒ
05:47
but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds
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ูˆู„ูƒู†ู†ุง ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ู†ุนูŠุด ูุนู„ูŠู‹ุง ุฏุงุฎู„ ุนู‚ูˆู„ู‡ู… ุงู„ุบุงู„ูŠุฉ ุงู„ู…ูˆุฌูˆุฏุฉ ู‚ูŠุฏ ุงู„ุชุทูˆูŠุฑ
05:51
all the time, like our very own version of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"
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ุทูˆุงู„ ุงู„ูˆู‚ุชุŒ ู…ุซู„ ู†ุณุฎุชู†ุง ุงู„ุฎุงุตุฉ ู…ู† ููŠู„ู… "ุฃู† ุชูƒูˆู† ุฌูˆู† ู…ุงู„ูƒูˆููŠุชุด "
05:56
we send our children the message:
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ู†ุญู† ู†ุฑุณู„ ู„ุฃุจู†ุงุฆู†ุง ู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ุฑุณุงู„ุฉ:
05:58
"Hey kid, I don't think you can actually achieve any of this without me."
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"ูŠุง ูˆู„ุฏุŒ ุฃู†ุง ู„ุง ุฃุนุชู‚ุฏ ุฃู†ู‡ ูŠู…ูƒู†ูƒ ูุนู„ุงู‹ ุชุญู‚ูŠู‚ ุฃูŠ ู…ู† ู‡ุฐุง ุจุฏูˆู†ูŠ".
06:03
And so with our overhelp,
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ูˆู…ู† ุฎู„ุงู„ ู…ุณุงุนุฏุชู†ุง ุงู„ู…ุจุงู„ุบ ููŠู‡ุง
06:06
our overprotection and overdirection and hand-holding,
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ูˆุญู…ุงูŠุชู†ุง ุงู„ุฒุงุฆุฏุฉ ูˆุชูˆุฌูŠู‡ู†ุง ุงู„ุฒุงุฆุฏ ูˆุฃุฎุฐู†ุง ุจุฃูŠุฏูŠู‡ู…ุŒ
06:08
we deprive our kids of the chance to build self-efficacy,
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ูู†ุญู† ู†ุญุฑู… ุฃุทูุงู„ู†ุง ู…ู† ูุฑุตุฉ ุจู†ุงุก ุงู„ูƒูุงุกุฉ ุงู„ุฐุงุชูŠุฉุŒ
06:12
which is a really fundamental tenet of the human psyche,
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ุงู„ุชูŠ ู‡ูŠ ู…ุจุฏุฃ ุฃุณุงุณูŠ ู…ู† ุงู„ู†ูุณ ุงู„ุจุดุฑูŠุฉุŒ
06:16
far more important than that self-esteem they get
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ุฃู‡ู… ุจูƒุซูŠุฑ ู…ู† ุงุญุชุฑุงู… ุงู„ุฐุงุช ุงู„ุฐูŠ ูŠูƒุณุจูˆู†ู‡
06:19
every time we applaud.
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ูƒู„ู…ุง ุงู…ุชุฏุญู†ุงู‡ู….
06:21
Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one's own actions lead to outcomes,
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ุฅู† ุงู„ูƒูุงุกุฉ ุงู„ุฐุงุชูŠุฉ ุชูุจู†ู‰ ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ูŠุฑู‰ ุงู„ู…ุฑุก ุฃู† ุฃูุนุงู„ู‡ ุชุคุฏูŠ ุฅู„ู‰ ู†ุชุงุฆุฌุŒ
06:27
not --
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ู„ูŠุณ -
06:28
There you go.
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ู‡ูƒุฐุง ุจุงู„ุถุจุท.
06:29
(Applause)
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(ุชุตููŠู‚)
06:33
Not one's parents' actions on one's behalf,
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ู„ูŠุณ ุชุตุฑูุงุช ูˆุงู„ุฏูŠ ุงู„ู…ุฑุก ู†ูŠุงุจุฉ ุนู†ู‡ุŒ
06:37
but when one's own actions lead to outcomes.
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ูˆู„ูƒู† ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ุชุคุฏูŠ ุชุตุฑูุงุช ุงู„ู…ุฑุก ุจู†ูุณู‡ ุฅู„ู‰ ู†ุชุงุฆุฌ.
06:40
So simply put,
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ุฅุฐู† ูˆุจุจุณุงุทุฉุŒ
06:41
if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must,
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ู„ูƒูŠ ูŠูƒุชุณุจ ุฃุทูุงู„ู†ุง ุงู„ูƒูุงุกุฉ ุงู„ุฐุงุชูŠุฉุŒ ูˆูŠุฌุจ ุนู„ูŠู‡ู… ุฐู„ูƒุŒ
06:47
then they have to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding,
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ูุฅู†ู‡ ูŠุชุนูŠู† ุนู„ูŠู‡ู… ุงู„ู‚ูŠุงู… ุจุงู„ูƒุซูŠุฑ ู…ู† ุงู„ุชููƒูŠุฑ ูˆุงู„ุชุฎุทูŠุท ูˆุงุชุฎุงุฐ ุงู„ู‚ุฑุงุฑ
06:51
doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,
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ูˆุงู„ุนู…ู„ ูˆุงู„ุฃู…ู„ ูˆุงู„ู…ูˆุงุฌู‡ุฉ ูˆุงู„ุชุฌุฑุจุฉ ูˆุงู„ุฎุทุฃุŒ
06:55
dreaming and experiencing of life
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ูˆุงู„ุญู„ู… ูˆุงุฎุชุจุงุฑ ุงู„ุญูŠุงุฉ
06:58
for themselves.
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ุจุฃู†ูุณู‡ู….
07:01
Now, am I saying
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ุงู„ุขู†ุŒ ู‡ู„ ูŠุนู†ูŠ ู‡ุฐุง
07:03
every kid is hard-working and motivated
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ุฃู† ูƒู„ ุงู„ุฃุทูุงู„ ูŠุนู…ู„ูˆู† ุจุฌุฏ ูˆู…ุชุญู…ุณูˆู†
07:06
and doesn't need a parent's involvement or interest in their lives,
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ูˆู„ุง ูŠุญุชุงุฌ ุฃูŠ ู…ู†ู‡ู… ุฅู„ู‰ ุชุฏุฎู„ ุงู„ูˆุงู„ุฏูŠู† ุฃูˆ ุงู‡ุชู…ุงู…ู‡ู… ููŠ ุญูŠุงุชู‡ู…ุŒ
07:09
and we should just back off and let go?
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ูˆุฃู† ุนู„ูŠู†ุง ุฃู† ู†ู†ุณุญุจ ูˆู†ุฏุนู‡ู… ู„ุญุงู„ู‡ู…ุŸ .
07:12
Hell no.
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ู‚ุทุนู‹ุง ู„ุง!
07:13
(Laughter)
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(ุถุญูƒ)
07:14
That is not what I'm saying.
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ู„ูŠุณ ู‡ุฐุง ู…ุง ุฃู‚ูˆู„ู‡.
07:16
What I'm saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards
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ู…ุง ุฃู‚ูˆู„ู‡ ู‡ูˆุŒ ุฃู†ู†ุง ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ู†ุชุนุงู…ู„ ู…ุน ุงู„ุฑุชุจ ูˆุงู„ุฏุฑุฌุงุช ูˆุงู„ุฃูˆุณู…ุฉ ูˆุงู„ุฌูˆุงุฆุฒ
07:19
as the purpose of childhood,
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ุจุงุนุชุจุงุฑู‡ุง ุงู„ู‡ุฏู ู…ู† ุงู„ุทููˆู„ุฉุŒ
07:22
all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges
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ููŠ ุณุจูŠู„ ุชุนุฒูŠุฒ ู‚ุจูˆู„ ู…ุฃู…ูˆู„ ู„ู„ุฐู‡ุงุจ ู„ู†ูˆุนูŠุฉ ุตุบูŠุฑุฉ ุฌุฏู‹ุง ู…ู† ุงู„ุฌุงู…ุนุงุช
07:25
or entrance to a small number of careers,
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ุฃูˆ ุงู„ุญุตูˆู„ ุนู„ูŠ ุนุฏุฏ ู‚ู„ูŠู„ ู…ู† ุงู„ูˆุธุงุฆูุŒ
07:28
that that's too narrow a definition of success for our kids.
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ูˆู‡ุฐุง ุชุถูŠูŠู‚ ู„ู…ูู‡ูˆู… ุงู„ู†ุฌุงุญ ุจุงู„ู†ุณุจุฉ ู„ุฃุทูุงู„ู†ุง.
07:33
And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins
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ูˆุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ุฑุบู… ู…ู† ุฃู†ู†ุง ู‚ุฏ ู†ุณุงุนุฏู‡ู… ุนู„ู‰ ุชุญู‚ูŠู‚ ุจุนุถ ุงู„ู…ูƒุงุณุจ ุงู„ู‚ุตูŠุฑุฉ ุงู„ุฃู…ุฏ
07:36
by overhelping --
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ุนุจุฑ ุงู„ู…ุณุงุนุฏุฉ ุงู„ู…ุจุงู„ุบ ููŠู‡ุง-
07:38
like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework,
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ู…ุซู„ ุญุตูˆู‡ู… ุนู„ู‰ ุฏุฑุฌุฉ ุฃูุถู„ ุฅุฐุง ุณุงุนุฏู†ุงู‡ู… ููŠ ุฃุฏุงุก ุงู„ูˆุงุฌุจุงุชุŒ
07:42
they might end up with a longer childhood rรฉsumรฉ when we help --
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ูˆุญุตูˆู„ู‡ู… ุนู„ู‰ ุณูŠุฑุฉ ุฐุงุชูŠุฉ ุฃุทูˆู„ ู„ุทููˆู„ุชู‡ู… ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ู†ุณุงุนุฏู‡ู… -
07:47
what I'm saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost
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ู…ุง ุฃู‚ูˆู„ู‡ ู‡ูˆ ุฃู† ูƒู„ ู‡ุฐุง ูŠุฃุชูŠ ู…ู‚ุงุจู„ ุชูƒู„ูุฉ ุทูˆูŠู„ุฉ ุงู„ุฃู…ุฏ
07:50
to their sense of self.
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ู„ุชุตูˆุฑู‡ู… ุนู† ุฃู†ูุณู‡ู….
07:52
What I'm saying is, we should be less concerned
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ูŠุฌุจ ุนู„ูŠู†ุง ุฃู† ู†ูƒูˆู† ุฃู‚ู„ ู‚ู„ู‚ู‹ุง
07:55
with the specific set of colleges
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ุญูˆู„ ุงู„ู…ุฌู…ูˆุนุฉ ุงู„ู…ุญุฏุฏุฉ ู…ู† ุงู„ุฌุงู…ุนุงุช
07:56
they might be able to apply to or might get into
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ุงู„ุชูŠ ูŠู…ูƒู† ู„ู‡ู… ุงู„ุชู‚ุฏู… ุฅู„ูŠู‡ุง
08:00
and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set,
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ูˆุฃูƒุซุฑ ู‚ู„ู‚ู‹ุง ุญูˆู„ ู…ุง ุฅุฐุง ูƒุงู†ูˆุง ูŠู…ุชู„ูƒูˆู† ุงู„ุนุงุฏุงุช ูˆุทุฑูŠู‚ุฉ ุงู„ุชููƒูŠุฑ ูˆุงู„ู…ู‡ุงุฑุงุชุŒ
08:05
the wellness, to be successful wherever they go.
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ูˆุงู„ุนุงููŠุฉุŒ ู„ูŠูƒูˆู†ูˆุง ู†ุงุฌุญูŠู† ุฃูŠู†ู…ุง ุฐู‡ุจูˆุง.
08:10
What I'm saying is,
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ู…ุง ุฃู‚ูˆู„ู‡ ู‡ูˆุŒ
08:11
our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores
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ุฃุทูุงู„ู†ุง ุจุญุงุฌุฉ ุฅู„ู‰ ุฃู† ู†ูƒูˆู† ู†ุญู† ุฃู‚ู„ ู‡ูˆุณู‹ุง ุจุงู„ุฑุชุจ ูˆุงู„ุฏุฑุฌุงุช
08:15
and a whole lot more interested
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ูˆุฃูƒุซุฑ ุงู‡ุชู…ุงู…ู‹ุง
08:18
in childhood providing a foundation for their success
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ุจุชูˆููŠุฑ ุทููˆู„ุฉ ุชูƒูˆู† ุฃุณุงุณู‹ุง ู„ู†ุฌุงุญู‡ู…
08:23
built on things like love
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ูˆู…ุจู†ูŠุฉ ุนู„ู‰ ุฃู…ูˆุฑ ู…ุซู„ ุงู„ุญุจ
08:27
and chores.
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ูˆุงู„ุฃุดุบุงู„ ุงู„ู…ู†ุฒู„ูŠุฉ.
08:28
(Laughter)
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(ุถุญูƒ)
08:30
(Applause)
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(ุชุตููŠู‚)
08:35
Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did.
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ู‡ู„ ู‚ู„ุช ู„ู„ุชูˆ ุฃุดุบุงู„ุงู‹ ู…ู†ุฒู„ูŠุฉุŸ ู‡ู„ ู‚ู„ุช ุฐู„ูƒุŸ ู†ุนู….
08:39
But really, here's why.
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ูˆู„ูƒู† ุฅู„ูŠูƒู… ุงู„ุณุจุจ.
08:43
The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted
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ุฃุทูˆู„ ุฏุฑุงุณุฉ ู…ุณุชู…ุฑุฉ ุฃุฌุฑูŠุช ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ุจุดุฑ
08:46
is called the Harvard Grant Study.
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ุชุณู…ู‰ ุฏุฑุงุณุฉ "ู‡ุงุฑูุงุฑุฏ ุฌุฑุงู†ุช".
08:49
It found that professional success in life,
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ูˆุฌุฏุช ุฃู† ุงู„ู†ุฌุงุญ ุงู„ู…ู‡ู†ูŠ ููŠ ุงู„ุญูŠุงุฉุŒ
08:51
which is what we want for our kids,
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ูˆู‡ูˆ ู…ุง ู†ุฑูŠุฏู‡ ู„ุฃุจู†ุงุฆู†ุงุŒ
08:54
that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a kid,
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ุฃู† ุงู„ู†ุฌุงุญ ุงู„ู…ู‡ู†ูŠ ููŠ ุงู„ุญูŠุงุฉ ู…ุฑุชุจุท ุจุฅู†ุฌุงุฒ ุงู„ุฃุดุบุงู„ ุงู„ู…ู†ุฒู„ูŠุฉ ุฎู„ุงู„ ุงู„ุทููˆู„ุฉุŒ
08:57
and the earlier you started, the better,
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ูˆูƒู„ู…ุง ูƒุงู† ุฐู„ูƒ ู…ุจูƒุฑู‹ุงุŒ ูƒุงู† ุฃูุถู„ุŒ
08:59
that a roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset,
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ุฃู† ุนู‚ู„ูŠุฉ ุงู„ู…ุจุงุฏุฑุฉ ูˆุงู„ู…ุดุงุฑูƒุฉ ุŒ
09:02
a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work,
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ูˆุงู„ุชููƒูŠุฑ ุงู„ุฐูŠ ูŠู‚ูˆู„: ู‡ู†ุงูƒ ุจุนุถ ุงู„ุฃุนู…ุงู„ ุบูŠุฑ ุงู„ุณุงุฑุฉุŒ
09:04
someone's got to do it, it might as well be me,
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ูŠุฌุจ ุนู„ู‰ ุดุฎุต ู…ุง ุฅู†ุฌุงุฒู‡ุงุŒ ู„ู… ู„ุง ุฃูƒูˆู† ุฃู†ุง ุฐู„ูƒ ุงู„ุดุฎุตุŸ
09:07
a mindset that says,
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ุงู„ุชููƒูŠุฑ ุงู„ุฐูŠ ูŠู‚ูˆู„:
09:08
I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole,
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ุณุฃู‚ุฏู… ุฌู‡ูˆุฏูŠ ููŠ ุณุจูŠู„ ุงู„ู…ู†ูุนุฉ ุงู„ุนุงู…ุฉุŒ
09:11
that that's what gets you ahead in the workplace.
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ู‡ุฐุง ู‡ูˆ ู…ุง ูŠุฌุนู„ูƒ ู…ุชููˆู‚ู‹ู‹ุง ููŠ ู…ูƒุงู† ุงู„ุนู…ู„.
09:14
Now, we all know this. You know this.
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ุงู„ุขู†ุŒ ู†ุญู† ุฌู…ูŠุนู‹ุง ู†ุนุฑู ู‡ุฐุง. ุฃู†ุชู… ุชุนุฑููˆู† ู‡ุฐุง.
09:17
(Applause)
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(ุชุตููŠู‚)
09:20
We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood,
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ู†ุญู† ู†ุนุฑู ู‡ุฐุง ุฌู…ูŠุนู‹ุงุŒ ูˆู„ูƒู† ุฎู„ุงู„ ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ุทููˆู„ุฉ ุงู„ู…ุฑุณูˆู…ุฉุŒ
09:23
we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house,
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ู†ุญู† ู†ุนููŠ ุฃุทูุงู„ู†ุง ู…ู† ุงู„ู‚ูŠุงู… ุจุงู„ุฃุดุบุงู„ ุงู„ู…ู†ุฒู„ูŠุฉุŒ
09:27
and then they end up as young adults in the workplace
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ูˆุนู†ุฏู…ุง ูŠุตู„ูˆู† ู…ุฑุญู„ุฉ ุงู„ุนู…ู„ ูƒุดุจุงุจ
09:30
still waiting for a checklist,
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ู„ุงูŠุฒุงู„ูˆู† ููŠ ุงู†ุชุธุงุฑ ู‚ุงุฆู…ุฉ ู…ู‡ุงู…ุŒ
09:32
but it doesn't exist,
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ูˆู„ูƒู†ู‡ุง ุบูŠุฑ ู…ูˆุฌูˆุฏุฉ
09:33
and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct
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ูˆุงู„ุฃู‡ู… ู…ู† ุฐู„ูƒุŒ ูŠูุชู‚ุฑูˆู† ุฅู„ู‰ ุงู„ุฏุงูุน ูˆุงู„ุบุฑูŠุฒุฉ
09:37
to roll up their sleeves and pitch in
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ู„ู„ู…ุจุงุฏุฑุฉ ูˆุงู„ู…ุดุงุฑูƒุฉ
09:39
and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues?
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ูˆุงู„ู†ุธุฑ ุญูˆู„ู‡ู… ูˆุงู„ุชุณุงุคู„: ูƒูŠู ูŠู…ูƒู†ู†ูŠ ู…ุณุงุนุฏุฉ ุฒู…ู„ุงุฆูŠุŸ
09:43
How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?
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ูƒูŠู ูŠู…ูƒู†ู†ูŠ ุชูˆู‚ุน ู…ุง ู‚ุฏ ูŠุญุชุงุฌู‡ ู…ุฏูŠุฑูŠ ู…ุณุจู‚ู‹ุงุŸ
09:48
A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant Study
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ูˆุซุงู†ูŠ ุงูƒุชุดุงู ู…ู‡ู… ุฌุฏู‹ุง ู„ุฏุฑุงุณุฉ "ู‡ุงุฑูุงุฑุฏ ุฌุฑุงู†ุช"
09:52
said that happiness in life
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ูŠู‚ูˆู„ ุฃู† ุงู„ุณุนุงุฏุฉ ููŠ ุงู„ุญูŠุงุฉ
09:55
comes from love,
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ุชุฃุชูŠ ู…ู† ุงู„ุญุจุŒ
09:57
not love of work,
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ู„ูŠุณ ุญุจ ุงู„ุนู…ู„ุŒ
09:59
love of humans:
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ุจู„ ุญุจ ุงู„ุฃุดุฎุงุต:
10:02
our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family.
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ุฃุฒูˆุงุฌู†ุง ูˆุดุฑูƒุงุคู†ุง ูˆุฃุตุฏู‚ุงุคู†ุง ูˆุนุงุฆู„ุชู†ุง.
10:06
So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love,
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ู„ุฐุง ูุงู„ุทููˆู„ุฉ ูŠุฌุจ ุฃู† ุชุนู„ู… ุฃุทูุงู„ู†ุง ูƒูŠู ูŠุญุจูˆู†ุŒ
10:10
and they can't love others if they don't first love themselves,
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ูˆู„ุง ูŠู…ูƒู†ู‡ู… ุฃู† ูŠุญุจูˆุง ุงู„ุขุฎุฑูŠู† ุฅุฐุง ู„ู… ูŠุญุจูˆุง ุฃู†ูุณู‡ู… ุฃูˆู„ุงู‹ุŒ
10:13
and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them unconditional love.
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ูˆู„ู† ูŠุญุจูˆุง ุฃู†ูุณู‡ู… ุฅุฐุง ู„ู… ู†ุณุชุทุน ุฃู† ู†ู‚ุฏู… ู„ู‡ู… ุญูุจู‹ุง ุบูŠุฑ ู…ุดุฑูˆุท.
10:17
(Applause)
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(ุชุตููŠู‚)
10:21
Right.
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ุชู…ุงู…ู‹ุง.
10:24
And so,
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ูˆู‡ูƒุฐุงุŒ
10:26
instead of being obsessed with grades and scores
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ุจุฏู„ุงู‹ ู…ู† ุฃู† ู†ูƒูˆู† ู…ู‡ูˆูˆุณูŠู† ุจุงู„ุฑุชุจ ูˆุงู„ุฏุฑุฌุงุช
10:28
when our precious offspring come home from school,
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ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ูŠุฃุชูŠ ุฃุจู†ุงุคู†ุง ุงู„ุบุงู„ูŠูŠู† ู…ู† ุงู„ู…ุฏุฑุณุฉ ุฅู„ู‰ ุงู„ุจูŠุชุŒ
10:31
or we come home from work,
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ุฃูˆ ู†ุฃุชูŠ ู†ุญู† ู…ู† ุงู„ุนู…ู„ุŒ
10:32
we need to close our technology, put away our phones,
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ูู†ุญู† ุจุญุงุฌุฉ ู„ู„ุฅุจุชุนุงุฏ ุนู† ุงู„ุชูƒู†ูˆู„ูˆุฌูŠุงุŒ ูˆุชุฑูƒ ู‡ูˆุงุชูู†ุง
10:35
and look them in the eye
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ูˆุฃู† ู†ู†ุธุฑ ุฅู„ู‰ ุฃุนูŠู†ู‡ู…
10:36
and let them see the joy that fills our faces
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ูˆู†ุฏุนู‡ู… ูŠุฑูˆู† ุงู„ูุฑุญ ุงู„ุฐูŠ ูŠู…ู„ุฃ ูˆุฌูˆู‡ู†ุง
10:40
when we see our child for the first time in a few hours.
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ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ู†ุฑู‰ ุทูู„ู†ุง ู„ุฃูˆู„ ู…ุฑุฉ ุจุนุฏ ุจุถุน ุณุงุนุงุช.
10:43
And then we have to say,
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ูˆู…ู† ุซู… ูŠุฌุจ ุนู„ูŠู†ุง ุฃู† ู†ุณุฃู„ู‡ู…:
10:45
"How was your day?
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"ูƒูŠู ูƒุงู† ูŠูˆู…ูƒุŸ
10:47
What did you like about today?"
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ู…ุง ุงู„ุฐูŠ ุฃุนุฌุจูƒ ุงู„ูŠูˆู…ุŸ"
10:50
And when your teenage daughter says, "Lunch," like mine did,
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ูˆุนู†ุฏู…ุง ุชุฑุฏ ุงุจู†ุชูƒ ุงู„ู…ุฑุงู‡ู‚ุฉ ุจ "ุงู„ุบุฏุงุก"ุŒ ู…ุซู„ู…ุง ูุนู„ุช ุงุจู†ุชูŠุŒ
10:54
and I want to hear about the math test,
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ูˆุฃู†ุง ุฃุฑูŠุฏ ุฃู† ุฃุนุฑู ู†ุชูŠุฌุฉ ุงุฎุชุจุงุฑ ุงู„ุฑูŠุงุถูŠุงุชุŒ
10:56
not lunch,
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ู„ุง ุงู„ุบุฏุงุกุŒ
10:57
you have to still take an interest in lunch.
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ููŠุฌุจ ุนู„ูŠูƒ ุฅุธู‡ุงุฑ ุงู‡ุชู…ุงู… ุจุงู„ุบุฐุงุก.
11:01
You gotta say, "What was great about lunch today?"
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ูˆุชู‚ูˆู„: "ู…ุง ุงู„ุฑุงุฆุน ููŠ ุบุฏุงุก ุงู„ูŠูˆู…ุŸ"
11:04
They need to know they matter to us as humans,
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ู‡ู… ุจุญุงุฌุฉ ุฅู„ู‰ ู…ุนุฑูุฉ ุฃู†ู‡ู… ู…ู‡ู…ู‘ูˆู† ุจุงู„ู†ุณุจุฉ ู„ู†ุง ุจุงุนุชุจุงุฑู‡ู… ุจูŽุดุฑู‹ุงุŒ
11:07
not because of their GPA.
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ูˆู„ูŠุณ ุจุณุจุจ ู…ุนุฏู„ุงุชู‡ู….
11:11
All right, so you're thinking, chores and love,
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ุญุณู†ู‹ุงุŒ ุฃู†ุชู… ุชููƒุฑูˆู† : ุฃุดุบุงู„ ู…ู†ุฒู„ูŠุฉ ูˆุญุจุŒ
11:13
that sounds all well and good, but give me a break.
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ู‡ุฐุง ูŠุจุฏูˆ ุฌูŠุฏู‹ุงุŒ ูˆู„ูƒู† ูู„ู†ูƒู† ูˆุงู‚ุนูŠูŠู†.
11:16
The colleges want to see top scores and grades
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ุงู„ุฌุงู…ุนุงุช ุชุฑูŠุฏ ุฑุคูŠุฉ ู†ุชุงุฆุฌ ูˆุฏุฑุฌุงุช ุนุงู„ูŠุฉ
11:19
and accolades and awards, and I'm going to tell you, sort of.
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ูˆุชู‚ุฏูŠุฑุงุช ูˆุฌูˆุงุฆุฒุŒ ูˆู‡ุฐุง ุตุญูŠุญ ู†ูˆุนู‹ุง ู…ุง.
11:25
The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults,
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ุงู„ู…ุฏุงุฑุณ ุงู„ูƒุจุฑู‰ ุชุทู„ุจ ุฐู„ูƒ ู…ู† ุดุจุงุจู†ุงุŒ
11:31
but here's the good news.
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ูˆู„ูƒู† ู‡ุง ู‡ูŠ ุงู„ุฃุฎุจุงุฑ ุงู„ุฌูŠุฏุฉ.
11:33
Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe --
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ุนู„ู‰ ุนูƒุณ ู…ุง ุชูุฑูˆุฌ ู„ู‡ ุชุตู†ูŠูุงุช ุงู„ุฌุงู…ุนุงุช -
11:38
(Applause)
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(ุชุตููŠู‚)
11:44
you don't have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools
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ูุฅู†ู‡ ู„ุง ูŠุฌุจ ุนู„ูŠูƒ ุงู„ุฐู‡ุงุจ ุฅู„ู‰ ุฅุญุฏู‰ ุงู„ู…ุฏุงุฑุณ ุงู„ูƒุจุฑู‰
11:46
to be happy and successful in life.
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ู„ูƒูŠ ุชูƒูˆู† ุณุนูŠุฏู‹ุง ูˆู†ุงุฌุญู‹ุง ููŠ ุงู„ุญูŠุงุฉ.
11:48
Happy and successful people went to state school,
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ูุงู„ุฃุดุฎุงุต ุงู„ุณุนุฏุงุก ูˆุงู„ู†ุงุฌุญูŠู† ุฐู‡ุจูˆุง ู„ู…ุฏุงุฑุณ ุญูƒูˆู…ูŠุฉุŒ
11:51
went to a small college no one has heard of,
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ูˆูƒู„ูŠุงุช ุตุบูŠุฑุฉ ุบูŠุฑ ู…ุนุฑูˆูุฉุŒ
11:53
went to community college,
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ุฐู‡ุจูˆุง ุฅู„ู‰ ูƒู„ูŠุงุช ุงู„ู…ุฌุชู…ุนุŒ
11:55
went to a college over here and flunked out.
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ุฐู‡ุจูˆุง ุฅู„ู‰ ุฌุงู…ุนุฉ ู…ุง ูˆูุดู„ูˆุง ุจู‡ุง.
11:58
(Applause)
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(ุชุตููŠู‚)
12:05
The evidence is in this room, is in our communities,
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ูˆุงู„ุฏู„ูŠู„ ุนู„ู‰ ุฐู„ูƒ ู…ูˆุฌูˆุฏ ููŠ ู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ุบุฑูุฉุŒ ููŠ ู…ุฌุชู…ุนุงุชู†ุงุŒ
12:08
that this is the truth.
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ุนู„ู‰ ุฃู† ู‡ุฐู‡ ู‡ูŠ ุงู„ุญู‚ูŠู‚ุฉ.
12:09
And if we could widen our blinders
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ูˆุฅุฐุง ู…ุง ุชู…ูƒู†ุง ู…ู† ุชูˆุณูŠุน ุฑุคูŠุชู†ุง
12:11
and be willing to look at a few more colleges,
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ูˆุตุฑู†ุง ู…ุณุชุนุฏูŠู† ู„ุฃุฎุฐ ุฌุงู…ุนุงุช ุฃุฎุฑู‰ ุจุนูŠู† ุงู„ุงุนุชุจุงุฑุŒ
12:13
maybe remove our own egos from the equation,
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ูˆุชุฎู„ูŠู†ุง ุนู† ุงู„ุฃู†ุง ุงู„ุฎุงุตุฉ ุจู†ุง ู…ู† ุงู„ู…ุนุงุฏู„ุฉุŒ
12:17
we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize,
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ููŠู…ูƒู†ู†ุง ุฃู† ู†ู‚ุจู„ ูˆู†ุชู‚ุจู„ ู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ุญู‚ูŠู‚ุฉ ุซู… ู†ุฏุฑูƒุŒ
12:21
it is hardly the end of the world
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ุฃู† ู‡ุฐู‡ ู„ูŠุณุช ู†ู‡ุงูŠุฉ ุงู„ุนุงู„ู…
12:23
if our kids don't go to one of those big brand-name schools.
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ุฅุฐุง ู„ู… ูŠุฐู‡ุจ ุฃุจู†ุงุคู†ุง ู„ุฅุญุฏู‰ ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ู…ุฏุงุฑุณ ุงู„ูƒุจุฑู‰.
12:27
And more importantly,
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ูˆุงู„ุฃู‡ู… ู…ู† ุฐู„ูƒุŒ
12:29
if their childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist
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ุฅุฐุง ู„ู… ูŠุนูŠุดูˆุง ุทููˆู„ุชู‡ู… ูˆูู‚ู‹ุง ู„ู‚ุงุฆู…ุฉ ู…ู‡ุงู… ู…ุณุชุจุฏุฉ
12:34
then when they get to college,
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ูุนู†ุฏู…ุง ูŠุฐู‡ุจูˆู† ุฅู„ู‰ ุงู„ุฌุงู…ุนุฉุŒ
12:36
whichever one it is,
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ูƒูŠูู…ุง ูƒุงู†ุชุŒ
12:38
well, they'll have gone there on their own volition,
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ูุณูŠุฐู‡ุจูˆู† ุฅู„ูŠู‡ุง ุจู…ุญุถ ุฅุฑุงุฏุชู‡ู…ุŒ
12:41
fueled by their own desire,
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ู…ุฏุนู‘ูŽู…ูŠู† ุจุฑุบุจุชู‡ู…ุŒ
12:44
capable and ready to thrive there.
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ู…ุคู‡ู„ูŠู† ูˆุฌุงู‡ุฒูŠู† ู„ู„ุงุฒุฏู‡ุงุฑ ู‡ู†ุงูƒ.
12:49
I have to admit something to you.
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ูŠุฌุจ ุนู„ูŠ ุฃู† ุฃุนุชุฑู ู„ูƒู… ุจุฃู…ุฑ ู…ุง.
12:51
I've got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery.
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ุฃู†ุง ุนู†ุฏูŠ ุงุซู†ูŠู† ู…ู† ุงู„ุฃุจู†ุงุก ูƒู…ุง ุฐูƒุฑุชุŒ ุณูˆูŠุฑ ูˆุฃููŠุฑูŠ.
12:54
They're teenagers.
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ู‡ู…ุง ู…ุฑุงู‡ู‚ุงู†.
12:56
And once upon a time,
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ูˆููŠ ูˆู‚ุช ู…ุงุŒ
12:58
I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery
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ุฃุนุชู‚ุฏ ุฃู†ู†ูŠ ูƒู†ุช ุฃุนุงู…ู„ู‡ู…ุง ู†ูˆุนู‹ุง ู…ุง
13:01
like little bonsai trees --
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ูƒุฃุดุฌุงุฑ ุจูˆู†ุณุงูŠ -
13:02
(Laughter)
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(ุถุญูƒ)
13:05
that I was going to carefully clip and prune
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ูƒู†ุช ุฃู†ูˆูŠ ุชู‚ุทูŠุนู‡ุง ูˆุชู‚ู„ูŠู…ู‡ุง ุจุนู†ุงูŠุฉ
13:08
and shape into some perfect form of a human
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ูˆุชุดูƒูŠู„ู‡ุง ุฅู„ู‰ ุฅู†ุณุงู† ู…ุซุงู„ูŠ
13:12
that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission
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ู…ุซุงู„ูŠู‹ุง ุจู…ุง ูŠูƒููŠ ู„ุฏุฎูˆู„
13:15
to one of the most highly selective colleges.
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ุฅุญุฏู‰ ุงู„ุฌุงู…ุนุงุช ุงู„ุฃูƒุซุฑ ุงู†ุชู‚ุงุฆูŠุฉ.
13:19
But I've come to realize, after working with thousands of other people's kids --
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ูˆู„ูƒู†ูŠ ุฃุฏุฑูƒุชุŒ ุจุนุฏู…ุง ุนู…ู„ุช ู…ุน ุงู„ุขู„ุงู ู…ู† ุงู„ุฃุทูุงู„ -
13:23
(Laughter)
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(ุถุญูƒ)
13:26
and raising two kids of my own,
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ูˆุชุฑุจูŠุฉ ุงุจู†ูŠ ูˆุงุจู†ุชูŠุŒ
13:30
my kids aren't bonsai trees.
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ุฃู† ุฃุทูุงู„ูŠ ู„ูŠุณูˆุง ุฃุดุฌุงุฑ ุจูˆู†ุณุงูŠ.
13:33
They're wildflowers
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ุจู„ ุฃุฒู‡ุงุฑ ุจุฑูŠุฉ
13:36
of an unknown genus and species --
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ู…ู† ุฌู†ุณ ูˆู†ูˆุน ู…ุฌู‡ูˆู„ูŠู† -
13:39
(Laughter)
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(ุถุญูƒ)
13:41
and it's my job to provide a nourishing environment,
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ูˆูˆุธูŠูุชูŠ ู‡ูŠ ุชูˆููŠุฑ ุจูŠุฆุฉ ู…ุบุฐูŠุฉุŒ
13:44
to strengthen them through chores
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ู„ุชู‚ูˆูŠุชู‡ู…ุง ู…ู† ุฎู„ุงู„ ุงู„ุฃุดุบุงู„ ุงู„ู…ู†ุฒู„ูŠุฉ
13:47
and to love them so they can love others and receive love
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ูˆุฃุญุจู‡ู…ุง ุญุชู‰ ูŠูุญุจุง ุงู„ุขุฎุฑูŠู† ูˆูŠุชู„ู‚ูŠุง ุงู„ุญุจ
13:51
and the college, the major, the career,
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ูˆุงู„ุฌุงู…ุนุฉ ูˆุงู„ุชุฎุตุต ูˆุงู„ู…ู‡ู†ุฉุŒ
13:54
that's up to them.
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ุฐู„ูƒ ู…ุชุฑูˆูƒ ู„ู‡ู….
13:56
My job is not to make them become what I would have them become,
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ูˆุธูŠูุชูŠ ู„ูŠุณุช ุฌุนู„ู‡ู… ูƒู…ุง ุฃุฑูŠุฏุŒ
14:01
but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.
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ุจู„ ุชู‚ุฏูŠู… ุงู„ุฏุนู… ู„ู‡ู… ุญุชู‰ ูŠุตุจุญูˆุง ุฑุงุฆุนูŠู† ููŠ ุฃู†ูุณู‡ู….
14:07
Thank you.
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ุดูƒุฑู‹ุง.
14:08
(Applause)
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(ุชุตููŠู‚)
ุญูˆู„ ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ู…ูˆู‚ุน

ุณูŠู‚ุฏู… ู„ูƒ ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ู…ูˆู‚ุน ู…ู‚ุงุทุน ููŠุฏูŠูˆ YouTube ุงู„ู…ููŠุฏุฉ ู„ุชุนู„ู… ุงู„ู„ุบุฉ ุงู„ุฅู†ุฌู„ูŠุฒูŠุฉ. ุณุชุฑู‰ ุฏุฑูˆุณ ุงู„ู„ุบุฉ ุงู„ุฅู†ุฌู„ูŠุฒูŠุฉ ุงู„ุชูŠ ูŠุชู… ุชุฏุฑูŠุณู‡ุง ู…ู† ู‚ุจู„ ู…ุฏุฑุณูŠู† ู…ู† ุงู„ุฏุฑุฌุฉ ุงู„ุฃูˆู„ู‰ ู…ู† ุฌู…ูŠุน ุฃู†ุญุงุก ุงู„ุนุงู„ู…. ุงู†ู‚ุฑ ู†ู‚ุฑู‹ุง ู…ุฒุฏูˆุฌู‹ุง ููˆู‚ ุงู„ุชุฑุฌู…ุฉ ุงู„ุฅู†ุฌู„ูŠุฒูŠุฉ ุงู„ู…ุนุฑูˆุถุฉ ุนู„ู‰ ูƒู„ ุตูุญุฉ ููŠุฏูŠูˆ ู„ุชุดุบูŠู„ ุงู„ููŠุฏูŠูˆ ู…ู† ู‡ู†ุงูƒ. ูŠุชู… ุชู…ุฑูŠุฑ ุงู„ุชุฑุฌู…ุงุช ุจุงู„ุชุฒุงู…ู† ู…ุน ุชุดุบูŠู„ ุงู„ููŠุฏูŠูˆ. ุฅุฐุง ูƒุงู† ู„ุฏูŠูƒ ุฃูŠ ุชุนู„ูŠู‚ุงุช ุฃูˆ ุทู„ุจุงุช ุŒ ูŠุฑุฌู‰ ุงู„ุงุชุตุงู„ ุจู†ุง ุจุงุณุชุฎุฏุงู… ู†ู…ูˆุฐุฌ ุงู„ุงุชุตุงู„ ู‡ุฐุง.

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