How to Raise Successful Kids -- Without Over-Parenting | Julie Lythcott-Haims | TED

翻译人员: Yangyang Liu 校对人员: Junyi Sha

You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert.

我从没想过做一个育儿专家，

In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per Se.

事实上，我本身对育儿也没什么兴趣。

It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days

只是因为当今有一种育儿方式，

会把孩子搞得一团糟，

that is kind of messing up kids,

impeding their chances to develop into theirselves.

阻碍他们个人特质的培养。

There's a certain style of parenting these days

这种育儿方式，

that's getting in the way.

正大行其道。

I guess what I'm saying is,

我想说的是，

we spend a lot of time being very concerned

我们花了很多精力去担心

about parents who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kids

父母没有足够参与到孩子的人生、

and their education or their upbringing,

教育以及养育过程中，

and rightly so.

这理所当然。

But at the other end of the spectrum,

但如果走上另一个极端，

there's a lot of harm going on there as well,

也会有很多坏处，

where parents feel a kid can't be successful

比如家长认为， 孩子自己不可能成功，

unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn

除非父母可以随时保护和纠正，

and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment,

关注孩子的每件小事， 掌控他们的每个细节，

and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.

引导他们进入名牌大学， 找到好工作。

When we raise kids this way,

当我们这样养育孩子，

and I'll say we,

我用的是“我们”，

because Lord knows, in raising my two teenagers,

因为上帝知道， 在养育我的两个十来岁孩子的时候，

I've had these tendencies myself,

我自己确实也有这种倾向，

our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood.

让我们的孩子过一种 清单式的童年。

And here's what the checklisted childhood looks like.

清单式的生活，就是：

We keep them safe and sound

我们确保他们安全、健康、

and fed and watered,

吃好、喝好，

and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools,

然后期望他们进入好学校，

that they're in the right classes at the right schools,

并且是好学校的好班级，

and that they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools.

在好学校好班级中还要取得好成绩。

并且不只是成绩，还要拿高分，

But not just the grades, the scores,

不只要好成绩和高分， 还要获得荣誉和奖项，

and not just the grades and scores, but the accolades and the awards

要参加运动、活动、还要有领导力，

and the sports, the activities, the leadership.

我们告诉孩子，不要只是参加社团，

We tell our kids, don't just join a club,

还要创建社团， 因为大学喜欢这样的学生。

start a club, because colleges want to see that.

And check the box for community service.

还要参加社区服务，

I mean, show the colleges you care about others.

我的意思是， 要让大学看到你会关心他人。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection.

这些都是期望中的完美，

We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection

我们期望我们的孩子能做到完美，

we were never asked to perform at ourselves,

而我们自己却从没做到过，

and so because so much is required,

因为有这么多要求，

we think,

我们就想，

well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher

我们做父母的得和每个老师沟通，

and principal and coach and referee

和校长、教练、推荐人沟通，

and act like our kid's concierge

搞的像是孩子的管家，

and personal handler

像私人管家，

and secretary.

像秘书。

And then with our kids, our precious kids,

然后对孩子，我们宝贵的孩子，

we spend so much time nudging,

我们要花心思来督促、

cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be,

哄骗、暗示、帮忙、唠叨、甚至讨价还价，

to be sure they're not screwing up,

确保他们不会在顶尖大学 申请这件事上搞砸，

not closing doors,

或者故步自封，

not ruining their future,

或者毁了自己的未来，

some hoped-for admission

即使那些大学

to a tiny handful of colleges

在招生时

that deny almost every applicant.

几乎是万里挑一。

And here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.

那么在清单式童年中长大的孩子 是怎样的呢。

First of all, there's no time for free play.

首先，他们没有自由玩耍的时间，

There's no room in the afternoons,

整个下午都没有空闲，

because everything has to be enriching, we think.

因为我们觉得任何事都要充实起来。

It's as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity

就好像每一项作业、 每个测验、每个活动，

is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them,

都对于我们为他们 规划好的未来成败攸关。

and we absolve them of helping out around the house,

我们不让他们做家务，

and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep

甚至不让他们有充足睡眠，

as long as they're checking off the items on their checklist.

只需要他们把清单上的事情做好。

And in the checklisted childhood, we say we just want them to be happy,

在清单式童年中， 我们口头上希望他们开心，

but when they come home from school,

但当他们放学回家，

what we ask about all too often first

我们通常第一时间询问他们的

is their homework and their grades.

却是作业和成绩。

And they see in our faces

他们从我们脸上看到的，

that our approval, that our love,

我们的认可，我们的爱，

that their very worth,

看到的他们的价值，

却是来自成绩单上的 A。

comes from A's.

And then we walk alongside them

和他们走在一起的时候，

and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show --

我们就像威斯敏斯特宠物展上的 训狗员一样表扬他们，

(Laughter)

（笑声）

coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther,

哄他们跳得再高一点，再远一点，

day after day after day.

日复一日。

And when they get to high school,

等上了高中，

they don't say, "Well, what might I be interested in studying

他们不会问，“我该对哪些课程，

or doing as an activity?"

哪些活动感兴趣呢？”

They go to counselors and they say,

他们只会去问辅导员，

"What do I need to do to get into the right college?"

“我要怎么做才能进入好大学？”

And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school,

然后，当他们拿到成绩单，

and they're getting some B's,

如果拿了几个 B，

or God forbid some C's,

甚至是可怕的 C，

they frantically text their friends

他们会狂躁的给朋友发短信，

and say, "Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?"

“有谁考这个分数进了好大学吗？”

And our kids,

我们的孩子，

regardless of where they end up at the end of high school,

无论高中毕业时结果怎样，

they're breathless.

都被压得喘不过气，

They're brittle.

心理脆弱，

They're a little burned out.

精疲力竭。

They're a little old before their time,

他们比实际年龄更老成，

wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said, "What you've done is enough,

盼望着大人告诉他们， “你已经做得够多了，

this effort you've put forth in childhood is enough."

小时候这么努力已经足够了。”

And they're withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression

他们现在却在高分的焦虑 和沮丧中慢慢枯萎，

and some of them are wondering,

有的孩子会想，

will this life ever turn out to have been worth it?

这样的人生最后究竟有没有意义？

Well, we parents,

我们做父母的，

we parents are pretty sure it's all worth it.

当然认为这都有意义。

We seem to behave --

我们所表现出来的，

it's like we literally think they will have no future

就像如果他们进不去我们期望的

if they don't get into one of these tiny set of colleges or careers

这几所好大学，或者找不到好工作，

we have in mind for them.

他们就没有未来。

Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid

或者，只是我们认为

they won't have a future we can brag about

可以在朋友面前炫耀，

to our friends and with stickers on the backs of our cars.

或者只是贴在车屁股上的未来。

Yeah.

就是这样。

(Applause)

（掌声）

But if you look at what we've done,

但如果你看看这件事的后果，

if you have the courage to really look at it,

如果你有勇气看的话，

你会发现这不只让孩子认为

you'll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes

from grades and scores,

他们的价值来自于成绩和分数，

but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds

更是在他们正在成长的意识里，

all the time, like our very own version of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"

就像我们自己的电影《傀儡人生》一样，

we send our children the message:

我们给孩子传递了一个信号：

"Hey kid, I don't think you can actually achieve any of this without me."

“嘿，孩子，没有我你什么都干不成。”

And so with our overhelp,

随着我们的过度帮助，

our overprotection and overdirection and hand-holding,

过度保护，过度指导和过度关怀，

we deprive our kids of the chance to build self-efficacy,

我们剥夺了孩子 建立自我能效的机会，

which is a really fundamental tenet of the human psyche,

自我能效是人类心智的重要准则，

far more important than that self-esteem they get

远比通过父母赞美建立起的自尊

every time we applaud.

更重要。

Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one's own actions lead to outcomes,

自我能效是当一个人看到自己的行动 能产生成果而建立起来的，

not --

而不是…

There you go.

你们先吧。

(Applause)

（掌声）

Not one's parents' actions on one's behalf,

而不是父母代表他们做出的行动，

but when one's own actions lead to outcomes.

是他们自己的行动能产生结果。

So simply put,

简而言之，

if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must,

如果我们的孩子要建立， 他们也必须建立自我能效，

then they have to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding,

就需要更多的为他们自己的人生

doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,

做更多思考、规划、决定、

dreaming and experiencing of life

行动、期望、应对、试验、犯错、

for themselves.

梦想以及体验。

Now, am I saying

我现在是不是在说，

every kid is hard-working and motivated

每个孩子都很努力，都很积极，

and doesn't need a parent's involvement or interest in their lives,

都不需要对他们的人生有干涉和关心，

and we should just back off and let go?

我们应该退后，任其发展呢？

Hell no.

当然不是。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

That is not what I'm saying.

这不是我想说的。

What I'm saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards

我想说的是，当我们把成绩、 分数、荣誉和奖励

as the purpose of childhood,

看做他们童年的奋斗目标，

当我们代孩子 去追求进入理想中的大学，

all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges

or entrance to a small number of careers,

找到理想的工作，

that that's too narrow a definition of success for our kids.

这种对于成功的定义太过狭隘。

And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins

即使我们可以通过 这种过度帮助来让他们

by overhelping --

获得一些短期的成功——

like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework,

比如帮他们做作业而拿到的好成绩，

they might end up with a longer childhood résumé when we help --

在我们的帮助下，他们可能 会有一个更好看的童年简历，

what I'm saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost

我要说的是，这些会让他们

to their sense of self.

在自我认知上付出长期的代价。

What I'm saying is, we should be less concerned

我要说的是， 我们应该更少关注

with the specific set of colleges

具体哪些名牌大学

they might be able to apply to or might get into

他们应该申请或进入，

and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set,

而更多关注他们的 习惯、心态、技能、身心健康，

the wellness, to be successful wherever they go.

有了这些， 他们才能在哪儿都成功。

我要说的是，

What I'm saying is,

our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores

孩子需要我们 少一点痴迷于成绩和分数，

and a whole lot more interested

而将重点放在打造

in childhood providing a foundation for their success

一个能帮助他们为 成功奠基的童年上，

built on things like love

比如，爱，

and chores.

比如，做家务。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

(Applause)

（掌声）

Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did.

我刚才是说做家务么？ 确实是的。

But really, here's why.

说真的，这是有理由的。

The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted

史上历时最长的人类研究

is called the Harvard Grant Study.

被称作哈弗格兰特研究。

It found that professional success in life,

这项研究发现，专业上的成功，

which is what we want for our kids,

也就是我们期望孩子达到的，

that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a kid,

取决于小时候做的杂活，

and the earlier you started, the better,

越早开始越好，

that a roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset,

这种挽起袖子开干的心态，

a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work,

这种心态代表着： 可能有些不想做的工作，

someone's got to do it, it might as well be me,

总要有人去完成它， 这个人也可能就是我，

这种心态代表着：

a mindset that says,

I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole,

我会尽力去改善整件事情，

that that's what gets you ahead in the workplace.

这就是让你 在工作中获得先机的东西。

Now, we all know this. You know this.

我们都清楚这个道理，你们也都清楚。

(Applause)

（掌声）

We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood,

我们都已经清楚， 在清单式童年中，

we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house,

我们不让孩子做家里的杂活，

and then they end up as young adults in the workplace

当他们长大进入职场，

still waiting for a checklist,

还在等待一个清单，

but it doesn't exist,

但这个清单并不存在，

and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct

更重要的是，他们缺乏动力和意识，

to roll up their sleeves and pitch in

不能挽起袖子去开干，

and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues?

不能望向四周，并心想， 我怎样才能帮上同事们的忙？

没有能力去思考我怎样才能 提前一步预见到老板的要求？

How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?

A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant Study

哈弗格兰特研究的另一个重要发现，

said that happiness in life

人生的幸福，

comes from love,

来自于爱，

not love of work,

不是对工作的爱，

love of humans:

是对人的爱：

our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family.

我们的配偶，我们的伙伴， 我们的朋友，我们的家庭。

So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love,

所以我们要教孩子如何去爱，

and they can't love others if they don't first love themselves,

要爱别人，他们要先学会爱自己，

and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them unconditional love.

想要他们爱自己， 我们就要给予他们无条件的爱。

(Applause)

（掌声）

Right.

是的。

And so,

所以，

instead of being obsessed with grades and scores

放下对成绩和分数的痴迷，

when our precious offspring come home from school,

当我们亲爱的孩子放学回家，

or we come home from work,

或者我们下班回家，

we need to close our technology, put away our phones,

我们要关掉电子设备， 把手机放到一边，

and look them in the eye

看着他们的眼睛，

and let them see the joy that fills our faces

让他们看到我们脸上洋溢的喜悦，

when we see our child for the first time in a few hours.

就像第一次看到我们初生的孩子。

And then we have to say,

然后我们应该说，

"How was your day?

“你今天过得怎样？

What did you like about today?"

今天有什么高兴的事吗？”

And when your teenage daughter says, "Lunch," like mine did,

然后你的女儿会说，“午饭”， 就像我女儿一样，

and I want to hear about the math test,

但我想听到的是数学考试，

not lunch,

不是午饭，

you have to still take an interest in lunch.

但你还是得表现出对午饭的兴趣，

你应该说， “今天的午饭哪里比较棒？”

You gotta say, "What was great about lunch today?"

They need to know they matter to us as humans,

他们需要知道， 他们本身对我们很重要，

not because of their GPA.

而不是他们的学习成绩。

All right, so you're thinking, chores and love,

好，你可能会想，家务和爱，

that sounds all well and good, but give me a break.

这听起来很好，但是得了吧。

The colleges want to see top scores and grades

大学看的是好成绩、荣誉和奖项，

and accolades and awards, and I'm going to tell you, sort of.

我会告诉你们，是有那么点。

The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults,

那些最有名的学校需要这些，

但有个好消息。

but here's the good news.

Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe --

与大学排行榜传达的信息相反，

(Applause)

（掌声）

you don't have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools

你不需要为了人生的幸福和成功，

to be happy and successful in life.

而一定要去那些最有名的学校。

Happy and successful people went to state school,

幸福和成功的人们 也会来自于公立学校，

went to a small college no one has heard of,

来自于没人听过的学院，

went to community college,

来自于社区大学，

went to a college over here and flunked out.

来自于附近的学校甚至被退学。

(Applause)

（掌声）

The evidence is in this room, is in our communities,

证据就来自这个房间， 来自我们的社区，

that this is the truth.

这就是事实。

And if we could widen our blinders

如果我们眼光放开一些，

and be willing to look at a few more colleges,

愿意看一些别的大学，

maybe remove our own egos from the equation,

抛开我们的偏见，

we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize,

我们会接受并拥抱这个事实， 并且意识到

it is hardly the end of the world

我们的孩子考不上顶尖大学

if our kids don't go to one of those big brand-name schools.

并不是什么世界末日。

And more importantly,

更重要的是，

if their childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist

如果孩子不在 严格的清单约束下长大，

then when they get to college,

等他们进入大学，

whichever one it is,

不管什么大学，

well, they'll have gone there on their own volition,

都是他们自主决定的，

fueled by their own desire,

是他们自身渴望的，

capable and ready to thrive there.

想要在那里有一番作为。

I have to admit something to you.

我得向你们坦白一些事。

I've got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery.

我刚才提到我的两个孩子， Sawyer 和 Avery，

They're teenagers.

他们都十来岁。

And once upon a time,

有一次，

I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery

我觉得我对待我的 Sawyer 和 Avery，

like little bonsai trees --

就像对待盆栽一样——

(Laughter)

（笑声）

that I was going to carefully clip and prune

我想要小心的把他们修修剪剪，

and shape into some perfect form of a human

塑造成完美的人，

that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission

完美到可以把他们送进

to one of the most highly selective colleges.

最受欢迎的大学。

But I've come to realize, after working with thousands of other people's kids --

但是，我在工作中接触了几千个 别人家的孩子，我才意识到——

(Laughter)

（笑声）

and raising two kids of my own,

我意识到我的两个孩子，

my kids aren't bonsai trees.

他们不是盆栽，

They're wildflowers

他们是野花，

of an unknown genus and species --

未知品种的野花——

(Laughter)

（笑声）

and it's my job to provide a nourishing environment,

我的工作是提供成长的环境，

to strengthen them through chores

通过家务和爱，让他们变得强大，

and to love them so they can love others and receive love

爱他们，他们才会爱别人，接受爱。

and the college, the major, the career,

上大学、选专业、找工作，

that's up to them.

都由他们自己。

My job is not to make them become what I would have them become,

我的工作不是把他们 变成我想要的样子，

but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.

而是支持他们做辉煌的自己。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）