How to Raise Successful Kids -- Without Over-Parenting | Julie Lythcott-Haims | TED

譯者: Yilin Sun 審譯者: 易帆 余

You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert.

各位知道嗎，我並沒有刻意 想要成為一位養育專家。

In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per Se.

事實上我個人對養育孩子 非常不感興趣。

It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days

只是當今教育孩子的方法

that is kind of messing up kids,

似乎有點打亂了孩子們的成長，

impeding their chances to develop into theirselves.

並且妨礙了他們發展自我的機會。

There's a certain style of parenting these days

當今某些教育孩子的方法

that's getting in the way.

真的是大錯特錯了。

I guess what I'm saying is,

我想我的意思是，

we spend a lot of time being very concerned

生為父母的我們，花很多時間在擔心

about parents who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kids

我們是不是沒有足夠 融入到孩子的生活、

and their education or their upbringing,

教育、成長之中，

and rightly so.

理應如此。

But at the other end of the spectrum,

但如果到了另一種程度的極端，

there's a lot of harm going on there as well,

往往也會為孩子們帶來極大的損害，

where parents feel a kid can't be successful

比如家長認為孩子不可能成功，

unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn

除非他們可以隨時保護和預防、

and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment,

關心孩子的每件小事、 掌控他們的每個細節

and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.

並引導孩子進入 某名牌大學找到好工作。

When we raise kids this way,

當我們這樣養育孩子，

and I'll say we,

我會說「我們」，

because Lord knows, in raising my two teenagers,

因為上帝知道， 在養育我的兩個孩子的時候，

I've had these tendencies myself,

我自己也有這樣的傾向，

our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood.

讓孩子的童年像是一份清單。

And here's what the checklisted childhood looks like.

清單一樣的童年看起來是這樣的：

We keep them safe and sound

我們確保他們安全、健康、

and fed and watered,

吃好、喝好，

and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools,

之後期望他們去一所好學校，

that they're in the right classes at the right schools,

並且是好學校的好班級，

and that they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools.

在好班級中還要取得好成績。

但不僅僅是好成績，還要拿高分，

But not just the grades, the scores,

也不僅僅追求成績和分數， 還有榮譽和獎項，

and not just the grades and scores, but the accolades and the awards

還有體育特長、 課外活動、領導能力。

and the sports, the activities, the leadership.

我們和孩子說，不要只是參加社團，

We tell our kids, don't just join a club,

還要開辦社團， 因為對你申請大學有好處，

start a club, because colleges want to see that.

And check the box for community service.

還要確認是否已參加社區服務。

I mean, show the colleges you care about others.

我的意思是，這樣學校才能 看得出來你會關心別人。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection.

所有的這些都是為了達到 期望中的完美程度。

We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection

我們期待孩子做的完美，

we were never asked to perform at ourselves,

但我們卻從未要求自己這樣表現，

and so because so much is required,

因為我們要求得太多，

we think,

我們做家長的會想，

well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher

一定要和每一位老師、

and principal and coach and referee

校長、教練和推薦人爭取，

and act like our kid's concierge

搞的我們像是孩子的看門人、

and personal handler

私人管家

and secretary.

和貼身秘書。

And then with our kids, our precious kids,

然後對孩子，我們的寶貝孩子，

we spend so much time nudging,

花很多時間來拜託，

cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be,

必要時還得暗示、幫忙、 討價還價、嘮叨，

to be sure they're not screwing up,

就為了確保他們不會把事情搞砸、

not closing doors,

不會封閉自己、

not ruining their future,

不會毀了自己的未來，

some hoped-for admission

只希望能有一天

to a tiny handful of colleges

能擠進一些

that deny almost every applicant.

幾乎很難錄取的學校。

And here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.

一個活在童年清單的孩子 會有這樣的感覺：

First of all, there's no time for free play.

首先，沒有自由玩耍的時間，

There's no room in the afternoons,

下午沒有空閒的時間，

because everything has to be enriching, we think.

因為我們認為， 所有活動都要很豐富，

It's as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity

好像每一項作業、小測驗、活動

is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them,

都對我們為他們想好的未來成敗有關。

and we absolve them of helping out around the house,

我們不讓他們做家務，

and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep

甚至不讓他們有充足的睡眠，

as long as they're checking off the items on their checklist.

只要他們把清單上的事情做好。

And in the checklisted childhood, we say we just want them to be happy,

在清單式童年中， 我們說我們只想讓他們開心，

but when they come home from school,

但當他們放學回家，

what we ask about all too often first

我們通常第一時間詢問他們的

is their homework and their grades.

卻是作業和成績。

And they see in our faces

而他們在我們的臉上看到

that our approval, that our love,

我們對他們的認可、我們的愛、

that their very worth,

他們的價值，

comes from A's.

卻是來自成績單上的 「A」。

And then we walk alongside them

和他們走在一起的時候，

and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show --

搞得我們就像威斯敏斯特寵物展上的 訓狗員一樣表揚他們，

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther,

哄他們跳得再高一點、再遠一點，

day after day after day.

日覆一日。

And when they get to high school,

等上了高中，

they don't say, "Well, what might I be interested in studying

他們不會問： 「我會喜歡學哪些東西？」

or doing as an activity?"

或者「我喜歡參加哪些活動？」

They go to counselors and they say,

他們只會去問輔導員，

"What do I need to do to get into the right college?"

然後說：「我要怎麽做， 才能進入好的大學？」

And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school,

之後當他們拿到了高中成績單，

and they're getting some B's,

如果拿了幾個 B，

or God forbid some C's,

甚至是可怕的 C，

they frantically text their friends

他們會狂躁地給朋友們發短信

and say, "Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?"

「有誰用過這樣的成績 進入好的大學？」

And our kids,

而我們的孩子，

regardless of where they end up at the end of high school,

無論畢業時結果怎麼樣，

they're breathless.

他們都被壓的喘不過氣來、

They're brittle.

變得暴躁。

They're a little burned out.

變得有點精疲力盡，

They're a little old before their time,

他們比實際年齡更成熟一些，

wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said, "What you've done is enough,

盼望著大人說「你做得已經夠好了，

this effort you've put forth in childhood is enough."

小時候這麽努力已經足夠了。」

And they're withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression

他們現在卻在高分的焦慮 和沮喪中慢慢枯萎，

and some of them are wondering,

有的孩子會想，

will this life ever turn out to have been worth it?

這樣的人生，最後究竟有沒有意義？

Well, we parents,

我們做家長的，

we parents are pretty sure it's all worth it.

當然認為這都有意義。

We seem to behave --

我們所表現出來的，

it's like we literally think they will have no future

就像如果他們進不去我們期望的

if they don't get into one of these tiny set of colleges or careers

這幾所好大學，或者找不到好工作，

we have in mind for them.

他們就沒有未來。

Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid

或者，我們可能只是害怕

they won't have a future we can brag about

他們的未來我們不能拿來 向我們的朋友炫耀，

to our friends and with stickers on the backs of our cars.

或者炫耀車子後面的標誌。

Yeah.

是啊。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

But if you look at what we've done,

但如果你回頭看我們所做的，

if you have the courage to really look at it,

如果你真的有勇氣看的話，

you'll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes

你會發現不只是我們的孩子 認為他們的價值

from grades and scores,

來自於成績和分數，

but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds

在他們寶貴的成長意識裡，

all the time, like our very own version of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"

就像我們自己上演的電影 《傀儡人生》一樣，

we send our children the message:

我們也給孩子傳遞了一個信號：

"Hey kid, I don't think you can actually achieve any of this without me."

「嘿，孩子，我在想， 沒有我你什麽都幹不成。」

And so with our overhelp,

因為我們的過度幫助、

our overprotection and overdirection and hand-holding,

過度保護、過度指導和過度關懷，

we deprive our kids of the chance to build self-efficacy,

我們剝奪了孩子建立 「自我效能」的機會，

which is a really fundamental tenet of the human psyche,

這是人類心智的重要準則，

far more important than that self-esteem they get

這遠比每次透過父母的讚美

every time we applaud.

而建立起的自尊更為重要。

Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one's own actions lead to outcomes,

當一個人看到他自己的行動有了結果， 他的自我效能就建立起來了，

not --

而不是……

There you go.

你們盡量。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Not one's parents' actions on one's behalf,

不是父母為他們做了什麼，

but when one's own actions lead to outcomes.

而是通過自己的行動得到結果。

So simply put,

我簡單說一下，

if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must,

如果我們的孩子要發展自我效能， 而且他們一定要發展，

then they have to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding,

他們就需要為自己的人生 做更多思考、規劃、決定、

doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,

行動、期望、應對、嘗試錯誤， 為他們自己的人生去夢想、去體驗。

dreaming and experiencing of life

for themselves.

Now, am I saying

我現在不是在說，

every kid is hard-working and motivated

每個孩子都很努力，都很積極，

and doesn't need a parent's involvement or interest in their lives,

都不需要父母的介入 和關心他們的生活，

and we should just back off and let go?

而我們只要完全放手不管就好了？

Hell no.

當然不是。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

That is not what I'm saying.

這不是我說的意思，

What I'm saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards

我的意思是，當我們把成績、 分數、榮譽和獎勵

as the purpose of childhood,

看做是他們童年的奮鬥目標，

all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges

當我們的孩子 去擠進了理想中的大學、

or entrance to a small number of careers,

找到了理想的工作，

that that's too narrow a definition of success for our kids.

如此定義孩子的成功 實在太過狹隘了。

And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins

儘管我們可以透過過度幫助，

by overhelping --

讓他們獲得一些短期的成功──

like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework,

比如幫他們做作業 使他們取得更好的成績，

they might end up with a longer childhood résumé when we help --

讓他們的童年簡歷可能會在 我們的幫助下看起來更豐富──

what I'm saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost

我要說的是，這些會讓他們

to their sense of self.

在自我認知上付出長期的代價。

What I'm saying is, we should be less concerned

我的意思是，我們不要太在意

with the specific set of colleges

他們有沒有能力能申請到 具體的名牌大學，

they might be able to apply to or might get into

and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set,

而是要多多關注他們的 習慣、心態、技能和健康，

the wellness, to be successful wherever they go.

因為有了這些， 無論他們去哪，都能成功。

What I'm saying is,

我的意思是，

our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores

孩子要的不是我們 那麼癡迷他的成績和分數，

and a whole lot more interested

孩子需要的是我們

in childhood providing a foundation for their success

多放點心思在他們的童年上， 為將來的成功打基礎，

built on things like love

比如，愛，

and chores.

還有做家務。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did.

我剛剛說家務了嗎？ 我說了嗎？沒錯我確實說了。

But really, here's why.

但說真的，這是有理由的。

The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted

史上歷時最長的人類研究

is called the Harvard Grant Study.

叫做哈佛格蘭特研究。

It found that professional success in life,

這個研究發現到專業上的成功，

which is what we want for our kids,

也就是我們想要孩子們做到的，

that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a kid,

取決於小時候做的家事，

and the earlier you started, the better,

越早開始做越好，

that a roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset,

一種捲起袖子出一分力的心態，

a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work,

這種心態是這樣的， 有一些討厭的工作

someone's got to do it, it might as well be me,

需要有人完成它， 這個人最好就是我，

a mindset that says,

這種心態代表著：

I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole,

我會為了整體的改善 貢獻我自己的努力，

that that's what gets you ahead in the workplace.

這會幫助你在工作中獲得成功。

Now, we all know this. You know this.

我們都清楚這個道理， 你們也都清楚。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood,

我們都知道這個道理， 但是，在列滿了清單的童年中，

we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house,

我們不讓孩子們在家裡做家務，

and then they end up as young adults in the workplace

當他們長大進入職場，

still waiting for a checklist,

他們只會等待一份清單，

but it doesn't exist,

但這個清單並不存在，

and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct

更重要的是， 他們會缺乏動力和本能，

to roll up their sleeves and pitch in

不會捲起他們的袖子，出一分力，

and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues?

不會察顏觀色，並心想， 我怎樣做才能對同事們有幫助？

How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?

怎樣才能提前一步 預想到老板的需求？

A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant Study

哈佛格蘭特研究的第二個重要發現，

said that happiness in life

裡面提到，人生的幸福，

comes from love,

來自於愛，

not love of work,

不是對工作的熱愛，

love of humans:

而是對人的愛，

our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family.

我們的配偶、我們的伙伴、 我們的朋友、我們的家人。

So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love,

所以在童年時期， 我們應該教會孩子如何去愛，

and they can't love others if they don't first love themselves,

要愛別人，他們要先學會愛自己，

and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them unconditional love.

想要他們愛自己， 我們就要給予他們無條件的愛。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Right.

沒錯。

And so,

所以，

instead of being obsessed with grades and scores

放下對成績和分數的癡迷，

when our precious offspring come home from school,

當我們寶貝孩子放學回家後，

or we come home from work,

或我們下班回家時，

we need to close our technology, put away our phones,

我們要關掉電子設備， 把手機放到一邊，

and look them in the eye

看著他們的眼睛，

and let them see the joy that fills our faces

讓他們看到洋溢在我們臉上的喜悅。

when we see our child for the first time in a few hours.

就像第一次看到他們 剛出生的樣子。

And then we have to say,

我們一定要問，

"How was your day?

「今天過的怎麼樣？

What did you like about today?"

你喜歡今天的什麼？」

And when your teenage daughter says, "Lunch," like mine did,

當你的青春期女兒說「午餐」， 像我的女兒一樣，

and I want to hear about the math test,

而我們想要聽到的是數學考試

not lunch,

不是午餐時，

you have to still take an interest in lunch.

你還是要對她的午餐感興趣，

You gotta say, "What was great about lunch today?"

你要說：「你今天的午餐 為什麼很棒呢？」

They need to know they matter to us as humans,

他們需要知道， 他們本身對我們才是重要的，

not because of their GPA.

而不是他們的學習成績。

All right, so you're thinking, chores and love,

好，你可能會想，家務和愛，

that sounds all well and good, but give me a break.

這聽起來很好，但是得了吧。

The colleges want to see top scores and grades

大學看的是分數、 成績、榮譽和獎項，

and accolades and awards, and I'm going to tell you, sort of.

但我告訴各位， 其實這些只佔一小部分。

The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults,

只有那些非常著名的學校 要求我們的孩子做到這些，

but here's the good news.

但好消息是，

Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe --

與大學排行榜相反的訊息是 我們要相信……

(Applause)

（掌聲）

you don't have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools

並不是非得進入一所著名的大學

to be happy and successful in life.

人生才能過得幸福、成功。

Happy and successful people went to state school,

幸福和成功的人們 也會來自於州立學校，

went to a small college no one has heard of,

讀過沒人聽說過的小學校，

went to community college,

來自於社區大學，

went to a college over here and flunked out.

來自於附近的學校甚至被退學的人。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

The evidence is in this room, is in our communities,

證據就在現場，就在我們的社區，

that this is the truth.

這就是事實。

And if we could widen our blinders

如果我們把眼光放遠一點，

and be willing to look at a few more colleges,

並且願意考慮幾所其他的大學，

maybe remove our own egos from the equation,

或許拋開我們原有的偏見，

we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize,

我們就能接受擁抱這個事實，

並且了解到即便我們的孩子 沒有考上一所名牌大學，

it is hardly the end of the world

if our kids don't go to one of those big brand-name schools.

也不是什麼世界末日。

And more importantly,

更重要的是，

if their childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist

如果孩子的童年不是在 嚴格的清單約束下長大，

then when they get to college,

當他們進入大學，

whichever one it is,

無論哪一所大學，

well, they'll have gone there on their own volition,

都是出自自身的決定，

fueled by their own desire,

都是出自自身的渴望，

capable and ready to thrive there.

這樣他們才有能力準備好 在那裡大幹一場。

I have to admit something to you.

我得向各位坦白一些事。

I've got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery.

我剛才提到我的兩個孩子， 索耶和艾弗里，

They're teenagers.

他們都是青少年。

And once upon a time,

曾經，

I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery

我對待索耶和艾弗里

like little bonsai trees --

就像對待小盆栽一樣──

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

that I was going to carefully clip and prune

我小心地把他們修修剪剪，

and shape into some perfect form of a human

把他們塑造成完美的人，

that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission

完美到可以把他們送進

to one of the most highly selective colleges.

一所頂尖大學。

But I've come to realize, after working with thousands of other people's kids --

但是，我在工作中接觸了幾千個 別人家的孩子，我才意識到──

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

and raising two kids of my own,

我養的兩個孩子，

my kids aren't bonsai trees.

他們不是盆栽，

They're wildflowers

他們是野花，

of an unknown genus and species --

是一種未知品種的野花──

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

and it's my job to provide a nourishing environment,

我的任務是提供成長的環境，

to strengthen them through chores

透過家務和愛，讓他們變得強大，

and to love them so they can love others and receive love

愛他們，他們才會愛別人、接受愛。

and the college, the major, the career,

而大學、專業和工作，

that's up to them.

都是應該由他們自己決定的。

My job is not to make them become what I would have them become,

我的工作不是讓他們成為 我想要的樣子，

but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.

而是支持他們成為輝煌的自己。

Thank you.

謝謝大家。

(Applause)

（掌聲）