How to Raise Successful Kids -- Without Over-Parenting | Julie Lythcott-Haims | TED

Prevoditelj: Anamarija Guć Recezent: Sanda L

You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert.

Znate, nisam planirala postati stručnjak za roditeljstvo.

In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per Se.

Zapravo, roditeljstvo kao takvo ne zanima me pretjerano.

It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days

Ali u zadnje vrijeme postoji jedan stil roditeljstva

that is kind of messing up kids,

koji stvara zbrku kod djece

impeding their chances to develop into theirselves.

i sprječava ih da se razviju u same sebe.

There's a certain style of parenting these days

Danas postoji jedan stil roditeljstva

that's getting in the way.

koji smeta.

I guess what I'm saying is,

Hoću reći

we spend a lot of time being very concerned

da provodimo mnogo vremena veoma se brinući

about parents who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kids

o roditeljima koji nisu dovoljno uključeni u život svoje djece,

and their education or their upbringing,

u njihovo obrazovanje ili odgoj

and rightly so.

i s pravom smo zabrinuti.

But at the other end of the spectrum,

No, i na suprotnoj se strani spektra

there's a lot of harm going on there as well,

događa mnogo toga lošeg.

where parents feel a kid can't be successful

Roditelji misle da dijete ne može biti uspješno

unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn

ako oni nisu tu da ga štite i sprječavaju na svakom koraku,

and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment,

da nadgledaju i upravljaju svime što se događa,

and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.

da usmjeravaju dijete ka šačici fakulteta i karijera.

When we raise kids this way,

Kada na ovakav način odgajamo djecu,

and I'll say we,

a kažem mi,

because Lord knows, in raising my two teenagers,

jer sam, odgajajući dvoje tinejdžera,

I've had these tendencies myself,

i sama imala takve tendencije,

our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood.

djetinjstva naše djece unaprijed su isplanirana.

And here's what the checklisted childhood looks like.

Ovako izgleda takvo djetinjstvo.

We keep them safe and sound

Brinemo se da su na sigurnom,

and fed and watered,

da jedu i piju,

and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools,

a zatim se želimo pobrinuti za to da idu u dobre škole,

that they're in the right classes at the right schools,

da su u dobrim razredima dobrih škola

and that they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools.

i da u dobrim razredima dobrih škola imaju dobre ocjene.

Ali ne samo ocjene, već i prosjeke.

But not just the grades, the scores,

I ne samo ocjene i prosjeke, već i priznanja, nagrade,

and not just the grades and scores, but the accolades and the awards

sportove, aktivnosti i predvodništvo.

and the sports, the activities, the leadership.

Kažemo im, nemoj samo biti član kluba,

We tell our kids, don't just join a club,

pokreni klub, to fakulteti žele vidjeti.

start a club, because colleges want to see that.

And check the box for community service.

Bavi se i društvenim radom.

I mean, show the colleges you care about others.

Pokaži fakultetima da ti je stalo do drugih.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection.

Sve to kako bi se dostigla neka zamišljena diploma savršenstva.

We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection

Od djece očekujemo savršenu raznu postignuća,

we were never asked to perform at ourselves,

kakva od nas samih nikad nije tražena.

and so because so much is required,

I baš zato što se toliko toga zahtijeva,

we think,

mislimo da se

well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher

kao roditelji, naravno, moramo svađati sa svakim nastavnikom,

and principal and coach and referee

ravnateljem, trenerom i sucem

and act like our kid's concierge

te svojem djetetu glumiti čuvara,

and personal handler

osobnog trenera

and secretary.

i tajnicu.

And then with our kids, our precious kids,

A zatim sa svojom tako dragom djecom

we spend so much time nudging,

provodimo toliko vremena gurkajući,

cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be,

nagovarajući, ukazujući, pomažući, prepirući se, prigovarajući,

to be sure they're not screwing up,

kako bismo bili sigurni da sve rade kako treba,

not closing doors,

da si ne zatvaraju vrata,

not ruining their future,

da si ne upropaštavaju budućnost,

some hoped-for admission

to priželjkivano primanje

to a tiny handful of colleges

na šačicu fakulteta

that deny almost every applicant.

koji odbijaju gotovo sve kandidate.

And here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.

Evo kako je to biti dijete isplaniranog djetinjstva.

First of all, there's no time for free play.

Prije svega, nema vremena za slobodnu igru.

There's no room in the afternoons,

Nema vremena poslijepodne

because everything has to be enriching, we think.

jer mislimo da sve mora biti obogaćujuće.

It's as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity

Kao da je svaka zadaća, svaki test, svaka aktivnost

is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them,

odlučujući trenutak za tu budućnost koju za njih sanjamo

and we absolve them of helping out around the house,

pa ih oslobađamo od pomaganja po kući,

and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep

oslobađamo ih i od dovoljno sna,

as long as they're checking off the items on their checklist.

sve dok odrađuju stvari s popisa.

And in the checklisted childhood, we say we just want them to be happy,

U isplaniranom djetinjstvu kažemo da samo želimo da budu sretni,

but when they come home from school,

ali kad se vrate iz škole,

what we ask about all too often first

prvo za što ih pitamo obično su

is their homework and their grades.

domaća zadaća i ocjene.

And they see in our faces

I oni na našim licima vide

that our approval, that our love,

da naše odobravanje, naša ljubav,

that their very worth,

da sama njihova vrijednost,

dolazi od petica.

comes from A's.

And then we walk alongside them

I onda ih pratimo u stopu

and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show --

i glasno navijamo za njih kao treneri s izložbe pasa u Westminsteru,

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther,

potičući ih da skoče još malo više i vinu se još malo dalje,

day after day after day.

iz dana u dan.

And when they get to high school,

I kada dođu do srednje škole,

they don't say, "Well, what might I be interested in studying

ne pitaju se: "Što bih htio učiti

or doing as an activity?"

ili što bih volio raditi?"

They go to counselors and they say,

Idu savjetniku i pitaju:

"What do I need to do to get into the right college?"

"Što trebam napraviti da upadnem na dobar fakultet?"

And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school,

A kada krenu ocjene u srednjoj školi

and they're getting some B's,

i kada dobiju pokoju četvorku,

or God forbid some C's,

ili, ne daj Bože, trojku,

they frantically text their friends

panično šalju poruke prijateljima

and say, "Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?"

i pitaju: "Je li itko s ovim ocjenama ikada uspio upisati dobar fakultet?"

And our kids,

I naša su djeca,

regardless of where they end up at the end of high school,

gdje god završila nakon srednje škole,

they're breathless.

potpuno bez daha.

They're brittle.

Krhka su.

They're a little burned out.

Pomalo su istrošena.

They're a little old before their time,

Pomalo su ostarjela prije vremena,

wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said, "What you've done is enough,

želeći da su odrasli u njihovim životima rekli: "Dovoljno ste napravili,

this effort you've put forth in childhood is enough."

trud uložen u djetinjstvu je dovoljan."

And they're withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression

A sada venu pod visokim stopama anksioznosti i depresije

and some of them are wondering,

te se neki od njih pitaju

will this life ever turn out to have been worth it?

hoće li život ikada biti vrijedan svega toga?

Well, we parents,

Pa, mi roditelji

we parents are pretty sure it's all worth it.

prilično smo sigurni u to.

We seem to behave --

Ponašamo se

it's like we literally think they will have no future

kao da doslovno mislimo kako nemaju budućnost

if they don't get into one of these tiny set of colleges or careers

ako ne upadnu na jedan od šačice fakulteta i karijera

we have in mind for them.

koje smo za njih zacrtali.

Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid

Ili se, možda, samo bojimo

da neće imati budućnost kojom se možemo hvaliti

they won't have a future we can brag about

to our friends and with stickers on the backs of our cars.

pred prijateljima i na naljepnicama na pozadini automobila.

Yeah.

Da.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

But if you look at what we've done,

Ali, pogledate li što smo napravili,

if you have the courage to really look at it,

ako imate hrabrosti da zbilja pogledate,

vidjet ćete da djeca ne samo da vjeruju da njihova vrijednost proizlazi

you'll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes

from grades and scores,

iz ocjena i prosjeka,

but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds

već i da naša stalna prisutnost u njihovim dragocjenim umovima u razvoju,

all the time, like our very own version of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"

kao da smo u vlastitoj verziji filma Biti John Malkovich,

we send our children the message:

našoj djeci šalje poruku:

"Hey kid, I don't think you can actually achieve any of this without me."

"Slušaj, dijete, mislim da ti sve ovo bez mene ne možeš postići."

And so with our overhelp,

I tako pretjeranim pomaganjem

our overprotection and overdirection and hand-holding,

i zaštitom, upravljanjem i držanjem za ruku,

we deprive our kids of the chance to build self-efficacy,

ne dajemo djeci priliku da izgrade samoučinkovitost,

which is a really fundamental tenet of the human psyche,

temeljno načelo ljudske psihe,

far more important than that self-esteem they get

neusporedivo važnije od samopouzdanja koje dobiju

every time we applaud.

svaki put kad im plješćemo.

Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one's own actions lead to outcomes,

Samoučinkovitost gradimo shvaćanjem da naša vlastita djela daju rezultate,

not --

a ne --

There you go.

Eto.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

Not one's parents' actions on one's behalf,

Ne djela naših roditelja umjesto nas,

but when one's own actions lead to outcomes.

već naša vlastita djela daju rezultate.

So simply put,

Jednostavno rečeno,

if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must,

želimo li da nam djeca razviju samoučinkovitost, a moraju,

then they have to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding,

morat će daleko više razmišljati, planirati, odlučivati,

doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,

djelovati, nadati se, izlaziti na kraj, pokušavati i griješiti,

dreaming and experiencing of life

sanjati i proživljavati

for themselves.

samostalno.

Now, am I saying

Sada, govorim li

every kid is hard-working and motivated

da je svako dijete marljivo i motivirano

i ne treba miješanje roditelja i njihovih interesa u svojem životu,

and doesn't need a parent's involvement or interest in their lives,

and we should just back off and let go?

i da se samo trebamo povući i pustiti ih?

Hell no.

Naravno da ne.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

That is not what I'm saying.

Ne govorim to.

What I'm saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards

Govorim da tretirajući ocjene, prosjek, priznanja i nagrade

as the purpose of childhood,

kao svrhu djetinjstva,

sve kako bi bili što bliže željenom upisu na šačicu fakulteta

all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges

or entrance to a small number of careers,

ili ulasku u mali krug karijera,

that that's too narrow a definition of success for our kids.

dolazimo do jako uske definicije uspjeha za našu djecu.

And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins

I premda im možemo pomoći da ostvare neke kratkoročne pobjede

by overhelping --

pretjeranim pomaganjem,

like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework,

poput boljih ocjena pomognemo li im sa zadaćom,

they might end up with a longer childhood résumé when we help --

možda će im biografija djetinjstva biti duža uz našu pomoć -

what I'm saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost

želim reći da sve to dugoročno šteti

to their sense of self.

njihovoj svijesti o sebi.

What I'm saying is, we should be less concerned

Govorim da bismo se trebali manje brinuti

with the specific set of colleges

oko posebne grupe fakulteta

they might be able to apply to or might get into

na koje će se moći prijaviti ili ih upisati,

and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set,

a daleko više o tome da imaju navike, stav, vještine,

the wellness, to be successful wherever they go.

blagostanje kako bi svugdje bili uspješni.

Govorim da se zbog naše djece

What I'm saying is,

our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores

moramo manje opterećivati ocjenama i prosjecima

and a whole lot more interested

i biti daleko zainteresiraniji

in childhood providing a foundation for their success

za to da im djetinjstvo bude osnova uspjeha

built on things like love

građenog na stvarima poput ljubavi

and chores.

i kućanskih poslova.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did.

Rekla sam kućanskih poslova? Zbilja jesam.

But really, here's why.

Ali evo zašto.

The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted

Najdulje provedeno longitudinalno istraživanje ljudi

is called the Harvard Grant Study.

zove se Harvard Grant Study.

It found that professional success in life,

Pokazalo je da profesionalni uspjeh,

which is what we want for our kids,

koji želimo za našu djecu,

that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a kid,

proizlazi iz obavljanja kućanskih poslova u djetinjstvu,

and the earlier you started, the better,

i što prije počnete, to bolje,

that a roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset,

da spremnost da zasučemo rukave i pomognemo,

a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work,

stav da i neugodan posao mora biti obavljen,

someone's got to do it, it might as well be me,

mogu ga obaviti i ja,

a mindset that says,

stav koji kaže:

I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole,

svojim ću djelima pomoći poboljšanju cjeline,

that that's what gets you ahead in the workplace.

tako se napreduje na radnom mjestu.

Now, we all know this. You know this.

Svi mi to znamo. Vi to znate.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood,

Svi to znamo, a ipak, u isplaniranom djetinjstvu,

we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house,

djecu oslobađamo obavljanja kućanskih poslova,

and then they end up as young adults in the workplace

a kada kao mladi ljudi počnu raditi,

still waiting for a checklist,

još uvijek čekaju popis zadataka,

but it doesn't exist,

ali on ne postoji,

and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct

a još važnije, nemaju poticaj ni instinkt

to roll up their sleeves and pitch in

da zasuču rukave i pomognu

and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues?

i da se zapitaju: "Kako mogu pomoći kolegama?

Kako ću predvidjeti što bi moj šef mogao zatrebati?"

How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?

A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant Study

Drugo veliko otkriće Harvard Grant Studyja

said that happiness in life

kaže da životna sreća

comes from love,

proizlazi iz ljubavi,

not love of work,

ne iz ljubavi prema poslu,

love of humans:

već iz ljubavi prema ljudima:

our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family.

supružniku, partneru, prijateljima, obitelji.

So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love,

Djetinjstvo našu djecu mora naučiti voljeti,

and they can't love others if they don't first love themselves,

a ne mogu voljeti druge ako prvo ne vole sebe,

and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them unconditional love.

a neće voljeti sebe ne pružimo li im bezuvjetnu ljubav.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

Right.

Tako je.

And so,

Stoga,

instead of being obsessed with grades and scores

umjesto opsjednutosti ocjenama i prosjekom,

when our precious offspring come home from school,

kad naši dragocjeni potomci dođu iz škole

or we come home from work,

ili kad se vratimo s posla,

we need to close our technology, put away our phones,

moramo pogasiti ekrane, odložiti mobitele,

and look them in the eye

pogledati ih u oči

and let them see the joy that fills our faces

i dati im da vide kako nam radost obasjava lice

when we see our child for the first time in a few hours.

jer prvi puta nakon nekoliko sati vidimo svoju djecu.

And then we have to say,

A onda trebamo reći:

"How was your day?

"Kako ste proveli dan?

What did you like about today?"

Što se lijepoga danas dogodilo?"

And when your teenage daughter says, "Lunch," like mine did,

I kada vam kći tinejdžerica kaže: "Užina", kao moja,

and I want to hear about the math test,

a mene zanima test iz matematike,

not lunch,

a ne užina,

you have to still take an interest in lunch.

ipak vas mora zanimati užina.

You gotta say, "What was great about lunch today?"

Morate pitati: "Što je to danas bilo super u vezi s užinom?"

They need to know they matter to us as humans,

Moraju znati da su nam važni kao osobe,

not because of their GPA.

a ne zbog njihovog prosjeka.

All right, so you're thinking, chores and love,

U redu, sada mislite, kućanski poslovi i ljubav,

that sounds all well and good, but give me a break.

sve to dobro zvuči, ali daj, pusti me.

The colleges want to see top scores and grades

Fakulteti žele vidjeti vrhunske rezultate i ocjene,

and accolades and awards, and I'm going to tell you, sort of.

priznanja i nagrade, a ja ću vam reći da to i nije baš tako.

The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults,

Najpoznatije razvikane škole traže to od naših mladih,

but here's the good news.

ali evo dobre vijesti.

Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe --

Suprotno onome u što nas liste najboljih škola žele uvjeriti -

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

you don't have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools

ne trebate pohađati neku od razvikanih škola,

to be happy and successful in life.

kako biste u životu bili sretni i uspješni.

Happy and successful people went to state school,

Sretni i uspješni ljudi pohađali su državne škole,

went to a small college no one has heard of,

male fakultete za koje nitko nije čuo,

went to community college,

pučka učilišta,

went to a college over here and flunked out.

pohađali neki fakultet pa s njega izletjeli.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

The evidence is in this room, is in our communities,

U ovoj prostoriji i u našim zajednicama

that this is the truth.

dokaz je da je to istina.

And if we could widen our blinders

I kada bismo proširili vidike,

and be willing to look at a few more colleges,

razmotrili još koji fakultet,

maybe remove our own egos from the equation,

možda uklonili svoj ego iz jednadžbe,

we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize,

mogli bismo prihvatiti i prigrliti tu istinu i shvatiti

it is hardly the end of the world

da zbilja nije kraj svijeta

if our kids don't go to one of those big brand-name schools.

ako nam djeca ne pohađaju razvikane škole.

And more importantly,

I što je još važnije,

if their childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist

bez tiranski isplaniranog djetinjstva,

then when they get to college,

kada upišu fakultet,

whichever one it is,

koji god bio,

well, they'll have gone there on their own volition,

odabrat će ga svojevoljno,

fueled by their own desire,

vođeni vlastitom željom,

capable and ready to thrive there.

sposobni i spremni da tamo uspiju.

I have to admit something to you.

Moram vam nešto priznati.

I've got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery.

Imam dvoje djece, Sawyera i Avery.

They're teenagers.

Tinejdžeri su.

And once upon a time,

I nekad davno,

I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery

mislim da sam ih tretirala

like little bonsai trees --

kao mala bonsai drvca.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

that I was going to carefully clip and prune

Samo ću ih pažljivo sjeckati, podrezivati

and shape into some perfect form of a human

i oblikovati u neki savršen ljudski oblik

that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission

koji bi mogao biti dovoljno savršen da im osigura upis

to one of the most highly selective colleges.

na jedan od najselektivnijih fakulteta.

But I've come to realize, after working with thousands of other people's kids --

Ali sam shvatila, radeći s tisućama tuđe djece -

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

and raising two kids of my own,

i odgajajući dvoje vlastite,

my kids aren't bonsai trees.

da moja djeca nisu bonsai drvca,

They're wildflowers

već divlje cvijeće

of an unknown genus and species --

nepoznatog roda i vrste -

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

and it's my job to provide a nourishing environment,

i da je moj posao osigurati im njegujuću okolinu,

to strengthen them through chores

osnažiti ih kućanskim poslovima

and to love them so they can love others and receive love

i voljeti ih kako bi voljeli druge i primali ljubav,

and the college, the major, the career,

a fakultet, smjer, karijera,

that's up to them.

to je na njima.

My job is not to make them become what I would have them become,

Moj posao nije učiniti od njih ono što ja želim,

but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.

već podupirati ih pri postajanju najboljih verzija sebe.

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)