How to Raise Successful Kids -- Without Over-Parenting | Julie Lythcott-Haims | TED

3,916,895 views ใƒป 2016-10-04

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ืื ื ืœื—ืฅ ืคืขืžื™ื™ื ืขืœ ื”ื›ืชื•ื‘ื™ื•ืช ื‘ืื ื’ืœื™ืช ืœืžื˜ื” ื›ื“ื™ ืœื”ืคืขื™ืœ ืืช ื”ืกืจื˜ื•ืŸ.

ืžืชืจื’ื: Tal Hemo ืžื‘ืงืจ: Sigal Tifferet
00:12
You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert.
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ืืชื ื™ื•ื“ืขื™ื, ืœื ืชื›ื ื ืชื™ ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ืžื•ืžื—ื™ืช ื‘ื ื•ืฉื ื”ื”ื•ืจื•ืช.
00:16
In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per Se.
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ืœืžืขืฉื”, ืื ื™ ืœื ืžืื•ื“ ืžืขื•ื ื™ื™ื ืช ื‘ื”ื•ืจื•ืช ื›ืฉืœืขืฆืžื”.
00:21
It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days
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ืคืฉื•ื˜ - ื™ืฉ ื”ื™ื•ื ืกื’ื ื•ืŸ ื”ื•ืจื•ืช ืžืกื•ื™ื
00:25
that is kind of messing up kids,
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ืฉื“ื™ ื”ื•ืจืก ืืช ื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื,
00:28
impeding their chances to develop into theirselves.
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ืฉืคื•ื’ืข ื‘ืกื™ื›ื•ื™ื™ื ืฉืœื”ื ืœื”ืชืคืชื— ืืœ ืขืฆืžื.
00:33
There's a certain style of parenting these days
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ื™ืฉ ื”ื™ื•ื ืกื’ื ื•ืŸ ื”ื•ืจื•ืช ืžืกื•ื™ื
00:35
that's getting in the way.
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ืฉืžืคืจื™ืข ืœื›ืš.
00:36
I guess what I'm saying is,
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ืžื” ืฉืื ื™ ืžื ืกื” ืœื•ืžืจ ื”ื•ื
00:38
we spend a lot of time being very concerned
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ืฉืื ื• ืžื‘ืœื™ื ื”ืจื‘ื” ื–ืžืŸ ื‘ืœื“ืื•ื’
00:40
about parents who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kids
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ืžื”ื•ืจื™ื ืฉืื™ื ื ืžืขื•ืจื‘ื™ื ืžืกืคื™ืง ื‘ื—ื™ื™ ื™ืœื“ื™ื”ื
00:44
and their education or their upbringing,
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ื•ื‘ื”ืฉื›ืœื” ื•ื‘ื’ื™ื“ื•ืœ ืฉืœื”ื,
00:46
and rightly so.
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ื•ื‘ืฆื“ืง.
00:48
But at the other end of the spectrum,
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ืื‘ืœ ื’ื ื‘ืงืฆื” ื”ืฉื ื™ ืฉืœ ื”ืกืคืงื˜ืจื•ื,
00:50
there's a lot of harm going on there as well,
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ื ื’ืจื ื”ืจื‘ื” ื ื–ืง,
00:53
where parents feel a kid can't be successful
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ื›ืฉื”ื•ืจื™ื ืžืจื’ื™ืฉื™ื ืฉื™ืœื“ ืœื ื™ื›ื•ืœ ืœื”ืฆืœื™ื—
00:56
unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn
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ืœืœื ื”ื”ื•ืจื” ืฉืžื’ืŸ ืขืœื™ื• ื›ืœ ืจื’ืข
01:00
and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment,
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ื•ืžืจื—ืฃ ืžืขืœ ืœื›ืœ ื“ื‘ืจ ืฉืงื•ืจื”, ืžื ื”ืœ ื›ืœ ืจื’ืข ืงื˜ืŸ,
01:03
and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.
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ื•ืžื•ื‘ื™ืœ ืืช ื”ื™ืœื“ ืฉืœื• ืืœ ืชืช-ืงื‘ื•ืฆื” ืงื˜ื ื” ืฉืœ ืื•ื ื™ื‘ืจืกื™ื˜ืื•ืช ื•ืงืจื™ื™ืจื•ืช.
01:10
When we raise kids this way,
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ื›ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ืžื’ื“ืœื™ื ื™ืœื“ื™ื ื‘ืฆื•ืจื” ื”ื–ื•,
01:13
and I'll say we,
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ื•ืื ื™ ืื•ืžืจืช ืื ื—ื ื•
01:15
because Lord knows, in raising my two teenagers,
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ื›ื™ ืืœื•ื”ื™ื ื™ื•ื“ืข ืฉื‘ื’ื™ื“ื•ืœ ืฉื ื™ ื”ืžืชื‘ื’ืจื™ื ืฉืœื™
01:17
I've had these tendencies myself,
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ื ื˜ื™ืชื™ ืœืขืฉื•ืช ื–ืืช ื‘ืขืฆืžื™,
01:20
our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood.
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ื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื ืฉืœื ื• ื‘ืกื•ืคื• ืฉืœ ื“ื‘ืจ ืžื ื”ืœื™ื ื™ืœื“ื•ืช ืขื ืจืฉื™ืžืช ื™ืขื“ื™ื.
01:25
And here's what the checklisted childhood looks like.
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ื•ื›ืš ื ืจืืช ื™ืœื“ื•ืช ื™ืขื“ื™ื ืฉื›ื–ื•:
01:27
We keep them safe and sound
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ืื ื—ื ื• ืฉื•ืžืจื™ื ืขืœื™ื”ื ื‘ืจื™ืื™ื ื•ืฉืœืžื™ื
01:30
and fed and watered,
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ืžืกืคืงื™ื ืœื”ื ืžื–ื•ืŸ ื•ืžื™ื,
01:33
and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools,
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ื•ืื– ืื ื—ื ื• ืžื•ื•ื“ืื™ื ืฉื™ืœื›ื• ืœื‘ืชื™-ื”ืกืคืจ ื”ื ื›ื•ื ื™ื,
01:36
that they're in the right classes at the right schools,
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ื•ืฉื”ื ื‘ื›ื™ืชื•ืช ื”ื ื›ื•ื ื•ืช ื‘ื‘ืชื™-ื”ืกืคืจ ื”ื ื›ื•ื ื™ื,
01:38
and that they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools.
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ื•ืžืงื‘ืœื™ื ืืช ื”ืฆื™ื•ื ื™ื ื”ื ื›ื•ื ื™ื ื‘ื›ื™ืชื•ืช ื”ื ื›ื•ื ื•ืช ื‘ื‘ืชื™-ื”ืกืคืจ ื”ื ื›ื•ื ื™ื.
ืื‘ืœ ืœื ืจืง ื”ืฆื™ื•ื ื™ื, ื”ื”ื™ืฉื’ื™ื,
01:42
But not just the grades, the scores,
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ื•ืœื ืจืง ื”ืฆื™ื•ื ื™ื ื•ื”ื”ื™ืฉื’ื™ื, ืืœื ื’ื ื”ืฉื‘ื—ื™ื ื•ื”ืคืจืกื™ื
01:44
and not just the grades and scores, but the accolades and the awards
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ื•ื”ืกืคื•ืจื˜, ื”ืคืขื™ืœื•ื™ื•ืช, ื”ืžื ื”ื™ื’ื•ืช.
01:47
and the sports, the activities, the leadership.
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ืื ื—ื ื• ืื•ืžืจื™ื ืœื”ื ืœื ืฉืœื ืžืกืคื™ืง ืœื”ืฆื˜ืจืฃ ืœืžื•ืขื“ื•ืŸ,
01:49
We tell our kids, don't just join a club,
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ืฆืจื™ืš ืœื”ืงื™ื ืžื•ืขื“ื•ืŸ, ื›ื™ ื”ืื•ื ื™ื‘ืจืกื™ื˜ืื•ืช ืจื•ืฆื•ืช ืœืจืื•ืช ืืช ื–ื”.
01:51
start a club, because colleges want to see that.
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01:53
And check the box for community service.
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ื•ืกืžื ื• ื•ื™ ืœื™ื“ ืชืจื•ืžื” ืœืงื”ื™ืœื”.
01:55
I mean, show the colleges you care about others.
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ื›ืœื•ืžืจ, ืชืจืื• ืœืžื›ืœืœื•ืช ืฉืื›ืคืช ืœื›ื ืžืื—ืจื™ื.
01:58
(Laughter)
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(ืฆื—ื•ืง)
02:00
And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection.
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ื•ื›ืœ ื–ื” ืฆืจื™ืš ืœื”ื™ืขืฉื•ืช ื‘ืฉืื™ืคื” ืœืฉืœืžื•ืช.
02:05
We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection
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ืื ื—ื ื• ืžืฆืคื™ื ืžื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื ืฉืœื ื• ืœื‘ืฆืข ื‘ืจืžื” ืฉืœ ืฉืœืžื•ืช
02:07
we were never asked to perform at ourselves,
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ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ืืฃ ืคืขื ืœื ื ื“ืจืฉื ื• ืœื”,
02:11
and so because so much is required,
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ื•ืžื›ื™ื•ื•ืŸ ืฉื“ืจื•ืฉ ื›ืœ ื›ืš ื”ืจื‘ื”,
02:13
we think,
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ืื ื—ื ื• ื—ื•ืฉื‘ื™ื
02:14
well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher
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ืฉื‘ืจื•ืจ ืฉืขืœื™ื ื•, ื”ื”ื•ืจื™ื, ืœื”ืชื•ื•ื›ื— ืขื ื›ืœ ืžื•ืจื”
02:17
and principal and coach and referee
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ื•ืžื ื”ืœืช, ื•ืžืืžื ืช ื•ืฉื•ืคื˜ืช,
02:20
and act like our kid's concierge
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ื•ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ื”ืฉืจืช ืฉืœ ื”ื™ืœื“ ืฉืœื ื•
02:23
and personal handler
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ื•ื”ืขื•ื–ืจืช ื”ืื™ืฉื™ืช
02:25
and secretary.
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ื•ื”ืžื–ื›ื™ืจื”.
02:27
And then with our kids, our precious kids,
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ื•ืื– ืขื ื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื ืฉืœื ื•, ื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื ื”ื™ืงืจื™ื ืฉืœื ื•,
02:29
we spend so much time nudging,
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ืื ื—ื ื• ืžื‘ืœื™ื ื›ืœ ื›ืš ื”ืจื‘ื” ื–ืžืŸ ื‘ืœื“ื—ื•ืฃ,
02:32
cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be,
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ื‘ืœืคืชื•ืช, ื‘ืœืจืžื•ื–, ื‘ืœืขื–ื•ืจ, ื‘ืœื”ืชืžืงื—, ื•ื’ื ืœื”ืฆื™ืง,
02:36
to be sure they're not screwing up,
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ื›ื“ื™ ืœื•ื•ื“ื ืฉื”ื ืœื ืžืคืฉืœื™ื,
02:39
not closing doors,
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ืœื ืกื•ื’ืจื™ื ื“ืœืชื•ืช,
02:41
not ruining their future,
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ืœื ื”ื•ืจืกื™ื ืœืขืฆืžื ืืช ื”ืขืชื™ื“,
02:44
some hoped-for admission
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ืงื‘ืœื” ืžื™ื•ื—ืœืช ื›ืœืฉื”ื™
02:46
to a tiny handful of colleges
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ืœืžืงื‘ืฅ ืงื˜ืŸ ืฉืœ ืื•ื ื™ื‘ืจืกื™ื˜ืื•ืช
02:49
that deny almost every applicant.
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ืฉื“ื•ื—ื•ืช ื›ืžืขื˜ ื›ืœ ื‘ืงืฉื”.
02:54
And here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
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ื•ืžื” ืžืจื’ื™ืฉ ื™ืœื“ ื”ื’ื“ืœ ื‘ื™ืœื“ื•ืช ื™ืขื“ื™ื ืฉื›ื–ื•?
03:00
First of all, there's no time for free play.
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ืงื•ื“ื ื›ืœ, ืื™ืŸ ื–ืžืŸ ืœืžืฉื—ืง ื—ื•ืคืฉื™.
03:02
There's no room in the afternoons,
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ืื™ืŸ ื–ืžืŸ ืื—ืจ ื”ืฆื”ืจื™ื™ื,
03:04
because everything has to be enriching, we think.
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ื›ื™ ื›ืœ ื“ื‘ืจ ื—ื™ื™ื‘ ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ืžืขืฉื™ืจ, ื›ืš ืื ื—ื ื• ื—ื•ืฉื‘ื™ื.
03:07
It's as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity
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ื–ื” ื›ืื™ืœื• ืฉื›ืœ ืคื™ืกืช ืฉื™ืขื•ืจื™ ื‘ื™ืช, ื›ืœ ื‘ื•ื—ืŸ, ื›ืœ ืคืขื™ืœื•ืช,
03:10
is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them,
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ื”ื•ื ืจื’ืข ืฉืœ ื”ื›ืœ ืื• ื›ืœื•ื ื‘ืฉื‘ื™ืœ ื”ืขืชื™ื“ ืฉืื ื• ืžืชื›ื ื ื™ื ื‘ืฉื‘ื™ืœื,
03:15
and we absolve them of helping out around the house,
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ื•ืื ื—ื ื• ืคื•ื˜ืจื™ื ืื•ืชื ืžืขื–ืจื” ื‘ื‘ื™ืช,
03:18
and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep
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ื•ืื ื—ื ื• ืืคื™ืœื• ืคื•ื˜ืจื™ื ืื•ืชื ืžืฉืขื•ืช ืฉื™ื ื” ืžืกืคื™ืงื•ืช,
03:21
as long as they're checking off the items on their checklist.
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ื›ืœ ืขื•ื“ ื”ื ืžืกืžื ื™ื ื•ื™ ืขืœ ืจืฉื™ืžืช ื”ื™ืขื“ื™ื ืฉืœื”ื.
03:26
And in the checklisted childhood, we say we just want them to be happy,
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ื•ื‘ื™ืœื“ื•ืช ื”ื™ืขื“ื™ื ื”ื–ื•, ืื ื—ื ื• ืื•ืžืจื™ื ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ืจืง ืจื•ืฆื™ื ืฉื”ื ื™ื”ื™ื• ืžืื•ืฉืจื™ื,
03:30
but when they come home from school,
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ืื‘ืœ ืื– ื”ื ื—ื•ื–ืจื™ื ื”ื‘ื™ืชื” ืžื‘ื™ืช-ื”ืกืคืจ,
03:32
what we ask about all too often first
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ื•ื”ื“ื‘ืจ ืฉืื ื• ื‘ื“"ื› ื™ืฉืจ ืฉื•ืืœื™ื
03:35
is their homework and their grades.
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ื”ื•ื ืขืœ ืฉื™ืขื•ืจื™ ื”ื‘ื™ืช ื•ื”ืฆื™ื•ื ื™ื ืฉืœื”ื.
03:38
And they see in our faces
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ื•ื”ื ืจื•ืื™ื ืขืœ ื”ืคื ื™ื ืฉืœื ื•
03:40
that our approval, that our love,
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ืฉื”ืื™ืฉื•ืจ ืฉืœื ื•, ืฉื”ืื”ื‘ื” ืฉืœื ื•,
03:43
that their very worth,
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ืฉื”ืฉื•ื•ื™ ืฉืœื”ื
03:45
comes from A's.
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ืชืœื•ื™ ื‘ืฆื™ื•ื ื™ ืžืื”.
03:46
And then we walk alongside them
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ื•ืื– ืื ื—ื ื• ืฆื•ืขื“ื™ื ืœืฆื™ื“ื
03:49
and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show --
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ื•ืžืงืจืงืจื™ื ืฉื‘ื—ื™ื ื›ืžื• ืžืืžืŸ ื‘ืชืขืจื•ื›ืช ื”ื›ืœื‘ื™ื ื‘ื•ื•ืกื˜ืžื™ื ืกื˜ืจ --
03:54
(Laughter)
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(ืฆื—ื•ืง)
03:55
coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther,
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ืžืฉื“ืœื™ื ืื•ืชื ืœืงืคื•ืฅ ืจืง ืžืขื˜ ื’ื‘ื•ื” ื™ื•ืชืจ ื•ืœื“ืื•ืช ืžืขื˜ ืจื—ื•ืง ื™ื•ืชืจ,
04:00
day after day after day.
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ื™ื•ื ืื—ืจื™ ื™ื•ื ืื—ืจื™ ื™ื•ื.
04:03
And when they get to high school,
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ื•ื›ืฉื”ื ืžื’ื™ืขื™ื ืœืชื™ื›ื•ืŸ,
04:05
they don't say, "Well, what might I be interested in studying
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ื”ื ืœื ืื•ืžืจื™ื, "ื˜ื•ื‘, ืžื” ื™ื›ื•ืœ ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ืžืขื ื™ื™ืŸ ืœืœืžื•ื“
04:08
or doing as an activity?"
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ืื• ืœืขืฉื•ืช ื‘ืชื•ืจ ืคืขื™ืœื•ืช?"
04:09
They go to counselors and they say,
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ื”ื ื”ื•ืœื›ื™ื ืœื™ื•ืขืฆื™ื ื•ืื•ืžืจื™ื,
04:11
"What do I need to do to get into the right college?"
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"ืžื” ืื ื™ ืฆืจื™ืš ืœืขืฉื•ืช ื›ื“ื™ ืœื”ืชืงื‘ืœ ืœืื•ื ื™ื‘ืจืกื™ื˜ื” ื”ื ื›ื•ื ื”?"
04:15
And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school,
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ื•ืื–, ื›ืฉืžืชื—ื™ืœื™ื ืœื—ืœืง ืฆื™ื•ื ื™ื ื‘ืชื™ื›ื•ืŸ,
04:18
and they're getting some B's,
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ื•ื”ื ืžืงื‘ืœื™ื ื›ืžื” 80,
04:19
or God forbid some C's,
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ืื• ื—ืก ื•ื—ืœื™ืœื” ื›ืžื” 60,
04:22
they frantically text their friends
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ื”ื ืžืกืžืกื™ื ืขื ื—ื‘ืจื™ื”ื ื‘ื˜ื™ืจื•ืฃ
04:24
and say, "Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?"
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ื•ืื•ืžืจื™ื, "ืžื™ืฉื”ื• ืื™ ืคืขื ื”ืชืงื‘ืœ ืœืื•ื ื™ื‘ืจืกื™ื˜ื” ื”ื ื›ื•ื ื” ืขื ื”ืฆื™ื•ื ื™ื ื”ืืœื”?"
04:29
And our kids,
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ื•ื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื ืฉืœื ื•,
04:31
regardless of where they end up at the end of high school,
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ื‘ืœื™ ืงืฉืจ ืœืื™ืš ืฉื”ื ืžืกื™ื™ืžื™ื ืืช ื”ืชื™ื›ื•ืŸ,
04:35
they're breathless.
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ื”ื ื—ืกืจื™ ืื•ื•ื™ืจ.
04:37
They're brittle.
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ื”ื ืฉื‘ื™ืจื™ื.
04:38
They're a little burned out.
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ื”ื ืงืฆืช ืฉื—ื•ืงื™ื.
04:40
They're a little old before their time,
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ื”ื ืžืขื˜ ืžื‘ื•ื’ืจื™ื ืœื’ื™ืœื,
04:42
wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said, "What you've done is enough,
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ืžืงื•ื•ื™ื ืฉื”ืžื‘ื•ื’ืจื™ื ื‘ื—ื™ื™ื”ื ื™ืืžืจื•, "ืขืฉื™ืชื ืžืกืคื™ืง,
04:46
this effort you've put forth in childhood is enough."
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ื”ืžืืžืฅ ืฉื”ืฉืงืขืชื ื‘ื™ืœื“ื•ืช ื”ื•ื ืžืกืคื™ืง."
04:49
And they're withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression
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ื•ื”ื ื ื•ื‘ืœื™ื ืขื›ืฉื™ื• ื‘ืจืžื•ืช ื’ื‘ื•ื”ื•ืช ืฉืœ ื—ืจื“ื” ื•ื“ื™ื›ืื•ืŸ
04:53
and some of them are wondering,
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ื•ื›ืžื” ืžื”ื ืชื•ื”ื™ื,
04:55
will this life ever turn out to have been worth it?
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ื”ืื ื”ื—ื™ื™ื ื”ืืœื• ื™ื”ื™ื• ืฉื•ื•ื™ื ืืช ื–ื” ื‘ืกื•ืคื• ืฉืœ ื“ื‘ืจ?
05:01
Well, we parents,
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ื˜ื•ื‘, ืื ื—ื ื• ื”ื”ื•ืจื™ื,
05:03
we parents are pretty sure it's all worth it.
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ื‘ื˜ื•ื—ื™ื ืฉื”ื›ืœ ืฉื•ื•ื” ืืช ื–ื”.
05:06
We seem to behave --
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ื–ื” ื ืจืื” ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ืžืชื ื”ื’ื™ื โ€“
05:08
it's like we literally think they will have no future
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ื–ื” ื›ืื™ืœื• ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ื‘ืืžืช ื—ื•ืฉื‘ื™ื ืฉืœื ื™ื”ื™ื” ืœื”ื ืขืชื™ื“
05:10
if they don't get into one of these tiny set of colleges or careers
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ืื ื”ื ืœื ื™ืชืงื‘ืœื• ืืœ ื”ืงื‘ื•ืฆื” ื”ืงื˜ื ื” ื”ื–ื• ืฉืœ ื”ืื•ื ื™ื‘ืจืกื™ื˜ืื•ืช ืื• ื”ืงืจื™ื™ืจื•ืช
05:15
we have in mind for them.
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ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ืžืชื›ื ื ื™ื ืœื”ื.
05:17
Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid
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ืื• ืฉืื•ืœื™, ืจืง ืื•ืœื™, ืื ื—ื ื• ืคืฉื•ื˜ ืžืคื—ื“ื™ื
05:21
they won't have a future we can brag about
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ืฉืœื ื™ื”ื™ื” ืœื”ื ืขืชื™ื“ ืฉื ื•ื›ืœ ืœื”ืชืจื‘ืจื‘ ื‘ื•
05:23
to our friends and with stickers on the backs of our cars.
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ืœื—ื‘ืจื™ื ืฉืœื ื• ืขื ืกื˜ื™ืงืจื™ื ื‘ื’ื‘ ื”ืžื›ื•ื ื™ื•ืช ืฉืœื ื•.
05:29
Yeah.
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ื›ืŸ.
05:30
(Applause)
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(ืžื—ื™ืื•ืช ื›ืคื™ื™ื)
05:36
But if you look at what we've done,
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ืื‘ืœ ืื ืชืกืชื›ืœื• ืขืœ ืžื” ืฉืขืฉื™ื ื•,
05:39
if you have the courage to really look at it,
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ืื ื™ืฉ ืœื›ื ืืช ื”ืื•ืžืฅ ื‘ืืžืช ืœื”ืชื‘ื•ื ืŸ,
05:43
you'll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes
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ืืชื ืชืจืื• ืฉืœื ืจืง ืฉื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื ืฉืœื ื• ื—ื•ืฉื‘ื™ื ืฉื”ืฉื•ื•ื™ ืฉืœื”ื
05:46
from grades and scores,
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ืžื’ื™ืข ืžืฆื™ื•ื ื™ื ื•ื”ื™ืฉื’ื™ื,
05:47
but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds
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ืืœื ื’ื ืฉืื ื ื‘ื™ื˜ ืžืชื•ืš ื”ืžื•ื—ื•ืช ื”ืžืชืคืชื—ื™ื ื”ื™ืงืจื™ื ืฉืœื”ื
05:51
all the time, like our very own version of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"
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ื›ืœ ื”ื–ืžืŸ, ื›ืžื• ื’ื™ืจืกื” ืžืฉืœื ื• ืœืกืจื˜ "ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ื’'ื•ืŸ ืžืœืงื•ื‘ื™ืฅ'",
05:56
we send our children the message:
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ืื ื—ื ื• ืžืขื‘ื™ืจื™ื ืœื™ืœื“ื™ื ืืช ื”ืžืกืจ:
05:58
"Hey kid, I don't think you can actually achieve any of this without me."
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"ื”ื™ื™ ื™ืœื“, ืื ื™ ืœื ื—ื•ืฉื‘ืช ืฉืืชื” ื‘ืืžืช ื™ื›ื•ืœ ืœื”ืฉื™ื’ ืžืฉื”ื• ืžื–ื” ื‘ืœืขื“ื™ื™."
06:03
And so with our overhelp,
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ื•ืื– ืขื ืขื–ืจืช ื”ื™ืชืจ ืฉืœื ื•,
06:06
our overprotection and overdirection and hand-holding,
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ื”ื’ื ืช ื”ื™ืชืจ ื•ื”ื›ื•ื•ื ืช ื”ื™ืชืจ ื•ื”ื—ื–ืงืช ื”ื™ื“ื™ื™ื,
06:08
we deprive our kids of the chance to build self-efficacy,
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ืื ื—ื ื• ืฉื•ืœืœื™ื ืžื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื ืืช ื”ืกื™ื›ื•ื™ ืฉืœื”ื ืœื‘ื ื•ืช ืžืกื•ื’ืœื•ืช ืขืฆืžื™ืช,
06:12
which is a really fundamental tenet of the human psyche,
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ืฉื–ื” ืขื™ืงืจื•ืŸ ื™ืกื•ื“ื™ ืžืื•ื“ ืฉืœ ื ืคืฉ ื”ืื“ื,
06:16
far more important than that self-esteem they get
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ืขื™ืงืจื•ืŸ ื”ืจื‘ื” ื™ื•ืชืจ ื—ืฉื•ื‘ ืžื”ื”ืขืจื›ื” ื”ืขืฆืžื™ืช ืฉื”ื ืžืงื‘ืœื™ื
06:19
every time we applaud.
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ื›ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ืžืฉื‘ื—ื™ื ืื•ืชื.
06:21
Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one's own actions lead to outcomes,
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ืžืกื•ื’ืœื•ืช ืขืฆืžื™ืช ื ื‘ื ื™ืช ื›ืืฉืจ ืื“ื ืจื•ืื” ืฉื”ืžืขืฉื™ื ืฉืœื• ืžื•ื‘ื™ืœื™ื ืœืชื•ืฆืื•ืช,
06:27
not --
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ืœื โ€“
06:28
There you go.
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ื–ื”ื•!
06:29
(Applause)
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(ืžื—ื™ืื•ืช ื›ืคื™ื™ื)
06:33
Not one's parents' actions on one's behalf,
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ืœื ืžื”ืžืขืฉื™ื ืฉืœ ื”ื•ืจื™ื• ื‘ืฉืžื•,
06:37
but when one's own actions lead to outcomes.
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ืืœื ื›ืฉื”ืžืขืฉื™ื ืฉืœื• ืขืฆืžื• ืžื•ื‘ื™ืœื™ื ืœืชื•ืฆืื•ืช.
06:40
So simply put,
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ืื–, ืื ื ื ืกื— ื‘ืคืฉื˜ื•ืช,
06:41
if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must,
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ืื ื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื ืฉืœื ื• ืขื•ืžื“ื™ื ืœืคืชื— ืžืกื•ื’ืœื•ืช ืขืฆืžื™ืช, ื•ื”ื ื—ื™ื™ื‘ื™ื ืœืขืฉื•ืช ื–ืืช,
06:47
then they have to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding,
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ืื– ื”ื ื™ืฆื˜ืจื›ื• ืœืขืฉื•ืช ื”ืจื‘ื” ื™ื•ืชืจ ื—ืฉื™ื‘ื”, ืชื›ื ื•ืŸ, ื”ื—ืœื˜ื”,
06:51
doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,
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ืขืฉื™ื™ื”, ืชืงื•ื•ื”, ื”ืชืžื•ื“ื“ื•ืช, ื ื™ืกื•ื™ ื•ื˜ืขื™ื™ื”,
06:55
dreaming and experiencing of life
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ืœื—ืœื•ื ื•ืœื—ื•ื•ืช ืืช ื”ื—ื™ื™ื
06:58
for themselves.
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ื‘ืขืฆืžื.
07:01
Now, am I saying
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ืขื›ืฉื™ื•, ื”ืื ืื ื™ ืื•ืžืจืช
07:03
every kid is hard-working and motivated
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ืฉื›ืœ ื™ืœื“ ื”ื•ื ื—ืจื•ืฅ ื•ืžืœื ืžื•ื˜ื™ื‘ืฆื™ื”
07:06
and doesn't need a parent's involvement or interest in their lives,
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ื•ืœื ืฆืจื™ืš ืืช ื”ืชืขืจื‘ื•ืช ื”ื”ื•ืจื” ื‘ื—ื™ื™ื•,
07:09
and we should just back off and let go?
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ื•ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ืฆืจื™ื›ื™ื ืคืฉื•ื˜ ืœื”ืชืจื—ืง ื•ืœืฉื—ืจืจ?
07:12
Hell no.
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ื‘ืจื•ืจ ืฉืœื.
07:13
(Laughter)
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(ืฆื—ื•ืง)
07:14
That is not what I'm saying.
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ื–ื” ืœื ืžื” ืฉืื ื™ ืื•ืžืจืช,
07:16
What I'm saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards
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ืžื” ืฉืื ื™ ืื•ืžืจืช ื”ื•ื ืฉื›ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ืžืชื™ื™ื—ืกื™ื ืœืฆื™ื•ื ื™ื ื•ื”ื™ืฉื’ื™ื ื•ืฉื‘ื—ื™ื ื•ืคืจืกื™ื
07:19
as the purpose of childhood,
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ื›ืžื˜ืจื” ืฉืœ ื”ื™ืœื“ื•ืช,
07:22
all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges
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ื”ื›ืœ ืœืžืขืŸ ืงื‘ืœื” ืžื™ื•ื—ืœืช ืืœ ืงื‘ื•ืฆื” ืงื˜ื ื” ืฉืœ ืื•ื ื™ื‘ืจืกื™ื˜ืื•ืช,
07:25
or entrance to a small number of careers,
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ืื• ื›ื ื™ืกื” ืœืžืกืคืจ ืงื˜ืŸ ืฉืœ ืงืจื™ื™ืจื•ืช,
07:28
that that's too narrow a definition of success for our kids.
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ืื ื—ื ื• ืžืขื ื™ืงื™ื ืœื™ืœื“ื™ื ืฉืœื ื• ื”ื’ื“ืจื” ืžืฆื•ืžืฆืžืช ืžื“ื™ื™ ืฉืœ ื”ืฆืœื—ื”.
07:33
And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins
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ื•ืœืžืจื•ืช ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ืขืฉื•ื™ื™ื ืœืขื–ื•ืจ ืœื”ื ืœื”ืฉื™ื’ ื›ืžื” ื ื™ืฆื—ื•ื ื•ืช ืงืฆืจื™-ื˜ื•ื•ื—
07:36
by overhelping --
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ืขืœ ื™ื“ื™ ืขื–ืจืช ื™ืชืจ โ€“
07:38
like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework,
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ื›ืžื• ื›ืฉื”ื ืžืงื‘ืœื™ื ืฆื™ื•ืŸ ื˜ื•ื‘ ื™ื•ืชืจ ื›ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ืขื•ื–ืจื™ื ืœื”ื ืœืขืฉื•ืช ืืช ืฉื™ืขื•ืจื™ ื”ื‘ื™ืช,
07:42
they might end up with a longer childhood rรฉsumรฉ when we help --
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ืื• ืฉื™ืฉ ืœื”ื ืจื–ื•ืžื” ื™ืœื“ื•ืช ืืจื•ืš ื™ื•ืชืจ ื‘ืขื–ืจืชื ื• โ€“
07:47
what I'm saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost
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ืžื” ืฉืื ื™ ืื•ืžืจืช ื”ื•ื ืฉืœื›ืœ ื–ื” ื™ืฉ ืžื—ื™ืจ ืืจื•ืš-ื˜ื•ื•ื—
07:50
to their sense of self.
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ืœืชื—ื•ืฉื” ื”ืขืฆืžื™ืช ืฉืœื”ื.
07:52
What I'm saying is, we should be less concerned
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ืžื” ืฉืื ื™ ืื•ืžืจืช ื”ื•ื, ืฉืื ื• ืฆืจื™ื›ื™ื ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ืคื—ื•ืช ืžื•ื“ืื’ื™ื
07:55
with the specific set of colleges
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ืœื’ื‘ื™ ืžืงื‘ืฅ ื”ืื•ื ื™ื‘ืจืกื™ื˜ืื•ืช ื”ืกืคืฆื™ืคื™
07:56
they might be able to apply to or might get into
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ืฉื”ื ืื•ืœื™ ื™ืฆืœื™ื—ื• ืœื”ื’ื™ืฉ ื‘ืงืฉื”, ืื• ืœื”ืชืงื‘ืœ ืืœื™ื”ื,
08:00
and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set,
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ื•ื”ืจื‘ื” ื™ื•ืชืจ ืžื•ื“ืื’ื™ื ืœื’ื‘ื™ ื”ื”ืจื’ืœื™ื, ื”ืœืš ื”ืจื•ื—, ืกื˜ ื”ืžื™ื•ืžื ื•ื™ื•ืช
08:05
the wellness, to be successful wherever they go.
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ื•ื”ื‘ืจื™ืื•ืช ืฉื”ื ืฆืจื™ื›ื™ื ื›ื“ื™ ืœื”ืฆืœื™ื— ื‘ื›ืœ ืžืงื•ื ืฉื™ื”ื™ื•.
08:10
What I'm saying is,
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ืžื” ืฉืื ื™ ืื•ืžืจืช ื”ื•ื,
08:11
our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores
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ืฉื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื ืฉืœื ื• ืฆืจื™ื›ื™ื ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ืคื—ื•ืช ืื•ื‘ืกืกื™ื‘ื™ื™ื ืœื’ื‘ื™ ืฆื™ื•ื ื™ื ื•ื”ื™ืฉื’ื™ื,
08:15
and a whole lot more interested
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ื•ื”ืจื‘ื” ื™ื•ืชืจ ืžืขื•ื ื™ื™ื ื™ื
08:18
in childhood providing a foundation for their success
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ื‘ื™ืœื“ื•ืช ื”ืžืขื ื™ืงื” ื‘ืกื™ืก ืœื”ืฆืœื—ื” ืฉืœื”ื,
08:23
built on things like love
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ื”ื‘ื ื•ื™ื” ืขืœ ื“ื‘ืจื™ื ื›ืžื• ืื”ื‘ื”
08:27
and chores.
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ื•ืžื˜ืœื•ืช.
08:28
(Laughter)
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(ืฆื—ื•ืง)
08:30
(Applause)
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(ืžื—ื™ืื•ืช ื›ืคื™ื™ื)
08:35
Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did.
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ืืžืจืชื™ ื”ืจื’ืข ืžื˜ืœื•ืช? ืืžืจืชื™ ืžื˜ืœื•ืช? ื‘ืืžืช ืืžืจืชื™.
08:39
But really, here's why.
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ืื‘ืœ ื‘ืจืฆื™ื ื•ืช, ื–ื• ื”ืกื™ื‘ื”:
08:43
The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted
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ื”ืžื—ืงืจ ื”ืื•ืจื›ื™ ื”ืืจื•ืš ื‘ื™ื•ืชืจ ืขืœ ื‘ื ื™ ืื“ื ืฉืื™ ืคืขื ื ืขืฉื”
08:46
is called the Harvard Grant Study.
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ื ืงืจื ืžื—ืงืจ ื”ืจื•ื•ืืจื“ ื’ืจื ื˜.
08:49
It found that professional success in life,
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ื”ื•ื ืžืฆื ื›ื™ ื”ื”ืฆืœื—ื” ื”ืžืงืฆื•ืขื™ืช ื‘ื—ื™ื™ื,
08:51
which is what we want for our kids,
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ืฉื–ื” ืžื” ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ืจื•ืฆื™ื ืœื™ืœื“ื™ื ืฉืœื ื•,
08:54
that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a kid,
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ื”ื”ืฆืœื—ื” ื”ืžืงืฆื•ืขื™ืช ื‘ื—ื™ื™ื ืžื’ื™ืขื” ืžื‘ื™ืฆื•ืข ืžื˜ืœื•ืช ื›ื™ืœื“.
08:57
and the earlier you started, the better,
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ื•ื›ื›ืœ ืฉืžืชื—ื™ืœื™ื ืžื•ืงื“ื ื™ื•ืชืจ, ื˜ื•ื‘ ื™ื•ืชืจ,
08:59
that a roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset,
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ื–ื”ื• ื”ืœืš ืจื•ื— ืฉืœ ื”ืคืฉืœืช ืฉืจื•ื•ืœื™ื ื•ื”ืจืชืžื•ืช,
09:02
a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work,
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ื”ืœืš ืจื•ื— ืฉืื•ืžืจ, ื™ืฉื ื” ืื™ื–ื•ืฉื”ื™ ืขื‘ื•ื“ื” ืœื ื ืขื™ืžื”,
09:04
someone's got to do it, it might as well be me,
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ืžื™ืฉื”ื• ืฆืจื™ืš ืœืขืฉื•ืช ืื•ืชื”, ืœืžื” ืฉื–ื” ืœื ื™ื”ื™ื” ืื ื™,
09:07
a mindset that says,
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ื”ืœืš ืจื•ื— ืฉืื•ืžืจ,
09:08
I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole,
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ืื ื™ ืืชืจื•ื ืืช ื”ืžืืžืฅ ืฉืœื™ ืœื˜ื•ื‘ืช ื”ื›ืœืœ,
09:11
that that's what gets you ahead in the workplace.
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ืฉื–ื” ืžื” ืฉื“ื•ื—ืฃ ืื•ืชืš ืงื“ื™ืžื” ื‘ืžืงื•ื ื”ืขื‘ื•ื“ื”.
09:14
Now, we all know this. You know this.
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ืขื›ืฉื™ื•, ื›ื•ืœื ื• ื™ื•ื“ืขื™ื ืืช ื–ื”. ืืชื ื™ื•ื“ืขื™ื ืืช ื–ื”.
09:17
(Applause)
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(ืžื—ื™ืื•ืช ื›ืคื™ื™ื)
09:20
We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood,
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ื›ื•ืœื ื• ื™ื•ื“ืขื™ื ืืช ื–ื”, ื•ืขื“ื™ื™ืŸ, ื‘ื™ืœื“ื•ืช ื”ื™ืขื“ื™ื,
09:23
we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house,
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ืื ื—ื ื• ืคื•ื˜ืจื™ื ืืช ื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื ืฉืœื ื• ืžืžื˜ืœื•ืช ื‘ื‘ื™ืช,
09:27
and then they end up as young adults in the workplace
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ื•ืื– ื”ื ื ื”ืคื›ื™ื ืœืื ืฉื™ื ืฆืขื™ืจื™ื ื‘ืžืงื•ื ื”ืขื‘ื•ื“ื”
09:30
still waiting for a checklist,
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ืขื“ื™ื™ืŸ ืžื—ื›ื™ื ืœืจืฉื™ืžืช ื™ืขื“ื™ื,
09:32
but it doesn't exist,
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ืื‘ืœ ื”ื™ื ืœื ืงื™ื™ืžืช,
09:33
and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct
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ื•ื™ื•ืชืจ ื—ืฉื•ื‘ ืžื›ืš, ื”ื ื—ืกืจื™ ื”ื“ื—ืฃ, ื”ืื™ื ืกื˜ื™ื ืงื˜
09:37
to roll up their sleeves and pitch in
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ืœื”ืคืฉื™ืœ ืฉืจื•ื•ืœื™ื ื•ืœื”ื™ืจืชื,
09:39
and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues?
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ื•ืœื”ืกืชื›ืœ ืกื‘ื™ื‘ ื•ืœืชื”ื•ืช, ืื™ืš ืื ื™ ื™ื›ื•ืœื” ืœื”ื•ืขื™ืœ ืœืขืžื™ืชื™ื™ ืœืขื‘ื•ื“ื”?
09:43
How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?
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ืื™ืš ืื ื™ ื™ื›ื•ืœ ืœืฆืคื•ืช ืžืจืืฉ ืžื” ื”ื‘ื•ืก ืฉืœื™ ืฆืจื™ืš?
09:48
A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant Study
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ื”ืžืžืฆื ื”ืฉื ื™ ื”ื—ืฉื•ื‘ ืžืžื—ืงืจ ื”ืจื•ื•ืืจื“ ื’ืจื ื˜
09:52
said that happiness in life
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ืงื•ื‘ืข ื›ื™ ืฉืžื—ื” ื‘ื—ื™ื™ื
09:55
comes from love,
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ื‘ืื” ืžืื”ื‘ื”,
09:57
not love of work,
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ืœื ืื”ื‘ื” ืœืขื‘ื•ื“ื”,
09:59
love of humans:
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ืื”ื‘ื” ืžืื ืฉื™ื:
10:02
our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family.
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ื‘ื ื™ ื”ื–ื•ื’ ืฉืœื ื•, ื”ื—ื‘ืจื™ื ืฉืœื ื•, ื”ืžืฉืคื—ื”.
10:06
So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love,
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ืื– ื™ืœื“ื•ืช ืฆืจื™ื›ื” ืœืœืžื“ ืืช ื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื ืฉืœื ื• ืœืื”ื•ื‘,
10:10
and they can't love others if they don't first love themselves,
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ื•ื”ื ืœื ื™ื›ื•ืœื™ื ืœืื”ื•ื‘ ืื—ืจื™ื ืื ื”ื ืœื ืื•ื”ื‘ื™ื ืงื•ื“ื ืืช ืขืฆืžื.
10:13
and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them unconditional love.
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ื•ื”ื ืœื ื™ืื”ื‘ื• ืืช ืขืฆืžื ืื ืื ื—ื ื• ืœื ื™ื›ื•ืœื™ื ืœืื”ื•ื‘ ืื•ืชื ืœืœื ืชื ืื™ื.
10:17
(Applause)
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(ืžื—ื™ืื•ืช ื›ืคื™ื™ื)
10:21
Right.
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ื ื›ื•ืŸ.
10:24
And so,
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ืื ื›ืŸ,
10:26
instead of being obsessed with grades and scores
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ื‘ืžืงื•ื ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ืื•ื‘ืกืกื™ื‘ื™ื™ื ืœื’ื‘ื™ ืฆื™ื•ื ื™ื ื•ื”ื™ืฉื’ื™ื,
10:28
when our precious offspring come home from school,
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ื›ืฉื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื ื”ื™ืงืจื™ื ืฉืœื ื• ืžื’ื™ืขื™ื ื”ื‘ื™ืชื” ืžื‘ื™ืช-ื”ืกืคืจ,
10:31
or we come home from work,
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ืื• ื›ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ื—ื•ื–ืจื™ื ืžื”ืขื‘ื•ื“ื”,
10:32
we need to close our technology, put away our phones,
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ืื ื—ื ื• ืฆืจื™ื›ื™ื ืœื›ื‘ื•ืช ืืช ื”ื˜ื›ื ื•ืœื•ื’ื™ื” ืฉืœื ื•, ืœืฉื™ื ื‘ืฆื“ ืืช ื”ืคืœืืคื•ืŸ,
10:35
and look them in the eye
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ืœื”ืกืชื›ืœ ืขืœื™ื”ื ื‘ืขื™ื ื™ื™ื,
10:36
and let them see the joy that fills our faces
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ื•ืœืชืช ืœื”ื ืœืจืื•ืช ืืช ื”ืฉืžื—ื” ืขืœ ื”ืคื ื™ื ืฉืœื ื•
10:40
when we see our child for the first time in a few hours.
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ื›ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ืจื•ืื™ื ืืช ื”ื™ืœื“ ืฉืœื ื• ื‘ืคืขื ื”ืจืืฉื•ื ื” ืื—ืจื™ ืžืกืคืจ ืฉืขื•ืช.
10:43
And then we have to say,
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ื•ืื– ืื ื—ื ื• ืฆืจื™ื›ื™ื ืœืฉืื•ืœ,
10:45
"How was your day?
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"ืื™ืš ื”ื™ื” ื”ื™ื•ื ืฉืœืš?
10:47
What did you like about today?"
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"ืžื” ืื”ื‘ืช ื”ื™ื•ื?"
10:50
And when your teenage daughter says, "Lunch," like mine did,
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ื•ื›ืฉื”ื ืขืจื” ื”ืžืชื‘ื’ืจืช ืฉืœื›ื ืขื•ื ื” "ืืจื•ื—ืช ืฆื”ืจื™ื™ื", ื›ืžื• ืฉืฉืœื™ ืขื ืชื”,
10:54
and I want to hear about the math test,
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ื•ืื ื™ ืจื•ืฆื” ืœืฉืžื•ืข ืขืœ ื”ืžื‘ื—ืŸ ื‘ืžืชืžื˜ื™ืงื”,
10:56
not lunch,
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ืœื ืขืœ ืฆื”ืจื™ื™ื,
10:57
you have to still take an interest in lunch.
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ืืชื ืขื“ื™ื™ืŸ ื—ื™ื™ื‘ื™ื ืœื”ืชืขื ื™ื™ืŸ ื‘ืฆื”ืจื™ื™ื,
11:01
You gotta say, "What was great about lunch today?"
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ืืชื ื—ื™ื™ื‘ื™ื ืœื”ื’ื™ื“, "ืžื” ื”ื™ื” ื˜ื•ื‘ ื‘ืืจื•ื—ืช ื”ืฆื”ืจื™ื™ื ื”ื™ื•ื?"
11:04
They need to know they matter to us as humans,
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ื”ื ืฆืจื™ื›ื™ื ืœื“ืขืช ืฉืื›ืคืช ืœื ื• ืžื”ื ื›ื‘ื ื™ ืื“ื,
11:07
not because of their GPA.
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ืœื ื‘ื’ืœืœ ืžืžื•ืฆืข ื”ืฆื™ื•ื ื™ื ืฉืœื”ื,
11:11
All right, so you're thinking, chores and love,
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ืื•ืงื™ื™, ืื– ืืชื ื—ื•ืฉื‘ื™ื ืžื˜ืœื•ืช ื•ืื”ื‘ื”,
11:13
that sounds all well and good, but give me a break.
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ื–ื” ื ืฉืžืข ื˜ื•ื‘ ื•ื™ืคื”, ืื‘ืœ ืชืขืฉื™ ืœื ื• ื˜ื•ื‘ื”.
11:16
The colleges want to see top scores and grades
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ื”ืื•ื ื™ื‘ืจืกื™ื˜ืื•ืช ืจื•ืฆื•ืช ืœืจืื•ืช ืฆื™ื•ื ื™ื ื•ื”ื™ืฉื’ื™ื ื’ื‘ื•ื”ื™ื, ื•ืฉื‘ื—ื™ื ื•ืคืจืกื™ื,
11:19
and accolades and awards, and I'm going to tell you, sort of.
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ื•ืื ื™ ืื’ื™ื“ ืœื›ื โ€“ ื‘ืขืจืš.
11:25
The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults,
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ื”ืื•ื ื™ื‘ืจืกื™ื˜ืื•ืช ื”ื’ื“ื•ืœื•ืช ื•ื”ืžื•ื›ืจื•ืช ื‘ื™ื•ืชืจ ืžื‘ืงืฉื•ืช ืืช ื–ื” ืžื”ืฆืขื™ืจื™ื ืฉืœื ื•,
11:31
but here's the good news.
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ืื‘ืœ ื”ื ื” ื”ื—ื“ืฉื•ืช ื”ื˜ื•ื‘ื•ืช:
11:33
Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe --
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ื‘ื ื™ื’ื•ื“ ืœืžื” ืฉื“ื™ืจื•ื’ ื”ืงื•ืœื’'ื™ื ืจื•ืฆื” ืฉื ืืžื™ืŸ โ€“
11:38
(Applause)
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(ืžื—ื™ืื•ืช ื›ืคื™ื™ื)
11:44
you don't have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools
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ืืชื ืœื ื—ื™ื™ื‘ื™ื ืœืœื›ืช ืœืื—ื“ ืžื”ืงื•ืœื’'ื™ื ื”ื›ื™ ื’ื“ื•ืœื™ื ื•ืžื•ื›ืจื™ื
11:46
to be happy and successful in life.
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ื›ื“ื™ ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ืฉืžื—ื™ื ื•ืžืฆืœื™ื—ื™ื ื‘ื—ื™ื™ื.
11:48
Happy and successful people went to state school,
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ืื ืฉื™ื ืฉืžื—ื™ื ื•ืžื•ืฆืœื—ื™ื ื”ืœื›ื• ืœืžื›ืœืœื•ืช ืžืชื•ืงืฆื‘ื•ืช,
11:51
went to a small college no one has heard of,
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ื”ืœื›ื• ืœืžื›ืœืœื” ืงื˜ื ื” ืฉืืฃ ืื—ื“ ืœื ืฉืžืข ืขืœื™ื”,
11:53
went to community college,
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ื”ืœื›ื• ืœืžื›ืœืœื” ืงื”ื™ืœืชื™ืช,
11:55
went to a college over here and flunked out.
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ื”ืœื›ื• ืœืื•ื ื™ื‘ืจืกื™ื˜ื” ื•ื ืฉืจื•.
11:58
(Applause)
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(ืžื—ื™ืื•ืช ื›ืคื™ื™ื)
12:05
The evidence is in this room, is in our communities,
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ื”ื”ื•ื›ื—ื” ืœื›ืš ื”ื™ื ื‘ื—ื“ืจ ื”ื–ื”, ื‘ืงื”ื™ืœื•ืช ืฉืœื ื•,
12:08
that this is the truth.
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ืฉื–ื• ื”ืืžืช.
12:09
And if we could widen our blinders
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ื•ืื ื”ื™ื™ื ื• ืžืจื—ื™ื‘ื™ื ืืช ื”ืจืื™ื™ื” ืฉืœื ื•,
12:11
and be willing to look at a few more colleges,
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ื•ื”ื™ื™ื ื• ืžื•ื›ื ื™ื ืœื”ืกืชื›ืœ ืขืœ ืขื•ื“ ื›ืžื” ืžื›ืœืœื•ืช,
12:13
maybe remove our own egos from the equation,
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ืื•ืœื™ ืื ื”ื™ื™ื ื• ืžืกื™ืจื™ื ืืช ื”ืื’ื• ืฉืœื ื• ืžื”ืžืฉื•ื•ืื”,
12:17
we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize,
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ื”ื™ื™ื ื• ืžืงื‘ืœื™ื ื•ืžืืžืฆื™ื ืืช ื”ืืžืช ื”ื–ื•,
ื•ืื– ืžื‘ื™ื ื™ื ืฉื–ื” ืœื ืกื•ืฃ ื”ืขื•ืœื
12:21
it is hardly the end of the world
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12:23
if our kids don't go to one of those big brand-name schools.
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ืื ื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื ืฉืœื ื• ืœื ื™ืœื›ื• ืœืื—ืช ื”ืื•ื ื™ื‘ืจืกื™ื˜ืื•ืช ื”ืžืคื•ืจืกืžื•ืช.
12:27
And more importantly,
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ื•ื—ืฉื•ื‘ ืžื›ืš,
12:29
if their childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist
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ืื ื”ื™ืœื“ื•ืช ืฉืœื”ื ืœื ื ื•ื”ืœื” ืœืคื™ ืจืฉื™ืžืช ื™ืขื“ื™ื ืจื•ื“ื ื™ืช,
12:34
then when they get to college,
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ื›ืฉื”ื ื™ืœื›ื• ืœืžื›ืœืœื”,
12:36
whichever one it is,
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ืœื›ืœ ืžื›ืœืœื” ืื• ืื•ื ื™ื‘ืจืกื™ื˜ื” ื‘ืืฉืจ ื”ืŸ,
12:38
well, they'll have gone there on their own volition,
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ื”ื ื™ืœื›ื• ืœืฉื ืžืจืฆื•ื ื ื”ื—ื•ืคืฉื™,
12:41
fueled by their own desire,
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ืžื•ื ืขื™ื ืžื”ืชืฉื•ืงื” ืฉืœื”ื,
12:44
capable and ready to thrive there.
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ืžืกื•ื’ืœื™ื ื•ืžื•ื›ื ื™ื ืœืฉื’ืฉื’ ืฉื.
12:49
I have to admit something to you.
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ืื ื™ ื—ื™ื™ื‘ืช ืœื”ื•ื“ื•ืช ื‘ืคื ื™ื›ื ื‘ืžืฉื”ื•.
12:51
I've got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery.
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ื™ืฉ ืœื™ ืฉื ื™ ื™ืœื“ื™ื, ืกื•ื™ื™ืจ ื•ืื™ื™ื‘ืจื™.
12:54
They're teenagers.
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ื”ื ื ืขืจื™ื ืžืชื‘ื’ืจื™ื.
12:56
And once upon a time,
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ื•ื‘ืขื‘ืจ,
12:58
I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery
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ืื ื™ ื—ื•ืฉื‘ืช ืฉื”ืชื™ื™ื—ืกืชื™ ืืœื™ื”ื
13:01
like little bonsai trees --
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ื›ืžื• ืืœ ืขืฆื™ ื‘ื•ื ืกืื™ ืงื˜ื ื™ื โ€“
13:02
(Laughter)
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(ืฆื—ื•ืง)
13:05
that I was going to carefully clip and prune
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ืฉืขืœื™ื™ ืœืงืฆืฅ ื•ืœื’ื–ื•ื ื‘ื–ื”ื™ืจื•ืช,
13:08
and shape into some perfect form of a human
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ื•ืœืขืฆื‘ ืื•ืชื ืœืžืขื™ื™ืŸ ืฆื•ืจื” ืžื•ืฉืœืžืช ืฉืœ ืื“ื,
13:12
that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission
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ืฉืื•ืœื™ ืชื”ื™ื” ืžื•ืฉืœืžืช ืžืกืคื™ืง ื‘ืฉื‘ื™ืœ ืœื”ื‘ื˜ื™ื— ืœื”ื ืงื‘ืœื”
13:15
to one of the most highly selective colleges.
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ืืœ ืื—ืช ื”ืื•ื ื™ื‘ืจืกื™ื˜ืื•ืช ื”ื‘ืจืจื ื™ื•ืช ื‘ื™ื•ืชืจ.
13:19
But I've come to realize, after working with thousands of other people's kids --
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ืื‘ืœ ื”ื’ืขืชื™ ืœืžืกืงื ื”, ืื—ืจื™ ืฉืขื‘ื“ืชื™ ืขื ืืœืคื™ ื™ืœื“ื™ื ืฉืœ ืื ืฉื™ื ืื—ืจื™ื โ€“
13:23
(Laughter)
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(ืฆื—ื•ืง)
13:26
and raising two kids of my own,
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ื•ืื—ืจื™ ืฉื’ื™ื“ืœืชื™ ืฉื ื™ ื™ืœื“ื™ื ืžืฉืœื™,
13:30
my kids aren't bonsai trees.
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ืฉื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื ืฉืœื™ ื”ื ืœื ืขืฆื™ ื‘ื•ื ืกืื™.
13:33
They're wildflowers
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ื”ื ืคืจื—ื™-ื‘ืจ
13:36
of an unknown genus and species --
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ืžืกื•ื’ ื•ื–ืŸ ืœื ื™ื“ื•ืข โ€“
13:39
(Laughter)
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(ืฆื—ื•ืง)
13:41
and it's my job to provide a nourishing environment,
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ื•ืชืคืงื™ื“ื™ ื”ื•ื ืœืกืคืง ืœื”ื ืกื‘ื™ื‘ื” ืžื–ื™ื ื”,
13:44
to strengthen them through chores
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ื›ื“ื™ ืœื—ื–ืง ืื•ืชื ื“ืจืš ืžื˜ืœื•ืช,
13:47
and to love them so they can love others and receive love
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ื•ืœืื”ื•ื‘ ืื•ืชื ื›ืš ืฉื”ื ื™ืื”ื‘ื• ืื—ืจื™ื ื•ื™ืงื‘ืœื• ืื”ื‘ื”,
13:51
and the college, the major, the career,
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ื•ื”ืื•ื ื™ื‘ืจืกื™ื˜ื”, ื”ืชื•ืืจ, ื”ืงืจื™ื™ืจื”,
13:54
that's up to them.
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ื–ื” ืชืœื•ื™ ื‘ื”ื.
13:56
My job is not to make them become what I would have them become,
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ื”ืขื‘ื•ื“ื” ืฉืœื™ ื”ื™ื ืœื ืœื”ืคื•ืš ืื•ืชื ืœืžื” ืฉืื ื™ ืจื•ืฆื” ืฉื™ื”ืคื›ื•,
14:01
but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.
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ืืœื ืœืชืžื•ืš ื‘ื”ื ื‘ื”ืชืคืชื—ื•ืช ืืœ ืขืฆืžื ื”ื ื”ื“ืจ.
14:07
Thank you.
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ืชื•ื“ื” ืจื‘ื”.
14:08
(Applause)
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(ืžื—ื™ืื•ืช ื›ืคื™ื™ื)
ืขืœ ืืชืจ ื–ื”

ืืชืจ ื–ื” ื™ืฆื™ื’ ื‘ืคื ื™ื›ื ืกืจื˜ื•ื ื™ YouTube ื”ืžื•ืขื™ืœื™ื ืœืœื™ืžื•ื“ ืื ื’ืœื™ืช. ืชื•ื›ืœื• ืœืจืื•ืช ืฉื™ืขื•ืจื™ ืื ื’ืœื™ืช ื”ืžื•ืขื‘ืจื™ื ืขืœ ื™ื“ื™ ืžื•ืจื™ื ืžื”ืฉื•ืจื” ื”ืจืืฉื•ื ื” ืžืจื—ื‘ื™ ื”ืขื•ืœื. ืœื—ืฅ ืคืขืžื™ื™ื ืขืœ ื”ื›ืชื•ื‘ื™ื•ืช ื‘ืื ื’ืœื™ืช ื”ืžื•ืฆื’ื•ืช ื‘ื›ืœ ื“ืฃ ื•ื™ื“ืื• ื›ื“ื™ ืœื”ืคืขื™ืœ ืืช ื”ืกืจื˜ื•ืŸ ืžืฉื. ื”ื›ืชื•ื‘ื™ื•ืช ื’ื•ืœืœื•ืช ื‘ืกื ื›ืจื•ืŸ ืขื ื”ืคืขืœืช ื”ื•ื•ื™ื“ืื•. ืื ื™ืฉ ืœืš ื”ืขืจื•ืช ืื• ื‘ืงืฉื•ืช, ืื ื ืฆื•ืจ ืื™ืชื ื• ืงืฉืจ ื‘ืืžืฆืขื•ืช ื˜ื•ืคืก ื™ืฆื™ืจืช ืงืฉืจ ื–ื”.

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