Success, failure and the drive to keep creating | Elizabeth Gilbert

譯者: Marssi Draw 審譯者: Geoff Chen

So, a few years ago I was at JFK Airport

幾年前我在甘迺迪國際機場，

about to get on a flight,

快上飛機時，

when I was approached by two women

有兩位女士靠近我，

who I do not think would be insulted

她們兩人矮小、蒼老，

to hear themselves described

是措辭嚴厲的 義大利裔美國女性，

as tiny old tough-talking Italian-American broads.

我想他們聽我這麼說 並不會覺得受辱。

The taller one, who is like up here,

較高的那位大概這麼高，

she comes marching up to me, and she goes,

她快速走向我，接著說：

"Honey, I gotta ask you something.

「親愛的，我得問你個問題。

You got something to do with that whole

你和最近流行的

'Eat, Pray, Love' thing that's been going on lately?"

《享受吧！一個人的旅行》有關？」

And I said, "Yes, I did."

我說：「是的。」

And she smacks her friend and she goes,

她拍了一下朋友後說：

"See, I told you, I said, that's that girl.

「看吧，我就說她是那女孩。

That's that girl who wrote that book

她就是寫了那本書的女孩，

based on that movie."

根據那部電影寫的。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So that's who I am.

那就是我。

And believe me, I'm extremely grateful to be that person,

相信我，我非常榮幸能成為那個人，

because that whole "Eat, Pray, Love" thing

因為《享受吧！一個人的旅行》的那整件事，

was a huge break for me.

對我來說是天大的好運。

But it also left me in a really tricky position

但那也讓我處在很微妙的位置，

moving forward as an author

那就是以作家身分繼續前進，

trying to figure out how in the world

我到底要如何才能

I was ever going to write a book again

再寫本可以取悅任何人的書，

that would ever please anybody,

because I knew well in advance

因為我早知道

that all of those people who had adored "Eat, Pray, Love"

每位超愛《享受吧！一個人的旅行》的讀者

were going to be incredibly disappointed

會有多麼失望，

in whatever I wrote next

因為不論我接下來寫什麼，

because it wasn't going to be "Eat, Pray, Love,"

那都不再是《享受吧！一個人的旅行》；

and all of those people who had hated "Eat, Pray, Love"

而那些討厭《享受吧！一個人的旅行》的人

were going to be incredibly disappointed

也會大失所望，

in whatever I wrote next

因為不論我接下來寫什麼，

because it would provide evidence that I still lived.

那都證明了我還活著。

So I knew that I had no way to win,

因此我知道自己沒有贏的機會，

and knowing that I had no way to win

也知道自己沒辦法贏，

made me seriously consider for a while

這件事讓我認真思考了一陣子，

just quitting the game

就放棄這場遊戲吧，

and moving to the country to raise corgis.

然後搬到鄉下去養柯基犬。

But if I had done that, if I had given up writing,

但如果我當時那麼做， 如果我當時放棄寫作，

I would have lost my beloved vocation,

就會失去最愛的天職。

so I knew that the task was that I had to find

因此，我知道任務是我得找到某個方法

some way to gin up the inspiration

來抓住靈感，

to write the next book

才能寫下一本書，

regardless of its inevitable negative outcome.

不管那無可避免的失敗。

In other words, I had to find a way to make sure

換句話說，我得找到方法確保

that my creativity survived its own success.

我的創造力能在曾有的成功裡倖存。

And I did, in the end, find that inspiration,

後來，我找到了那靈感，

but I found it in the most unlikely

但我發現那是在最不可能，

and unexpected place.

也最想不到的地方出現。

I found it in lessons that I had learned earlier in life

我是在生活中 早已學過的課題中發現

about how creativity can survive its own failure.

創造力如何從過去的失敗中存活下來。

So just to back up and explain,

因此只要回顧並說明，

the only thing I have ever wanted to be

我這輩子唯一想做的事，

for my whole life was a writer.

就是作家。

I wrote all through childhood, all through adolescence,

整個童年和青春期我都在寫，

by the time I was a teenager I was sending

在我還是青少女時，

my very bad stories to The New Yorker,

我把自己的爛故事寄給《紐約客》，

hoping to be discovered.

希望能被發掘。

After college, I got a job as a diner waitress,

唸完大學，我開始當餐廳服務生，

kept working, kept writing,

我繼續工作、寫作，

kept trying really hard to get published,

為了能出版非常努力，

and failing at it.

然後卻失敗了。

I failed at getting published

我有將近六年沒得到出版機會。

for almost six years.

So for almost six years, every single day,

因此幾乎這六年的每一天，

I had nothing but rejection letters

除了拒絕信在信箱等我之外，

waiting for me in my mailbox.

什麼都沒有。

And it was devastating every single time,

每次都讓人傷心欲絕，

and every single time, I had to ask myself

每一次，我都得自問

if I should just quit while I was behind

每當我失敗了，是不是該就此罷手、

and give up and spare myself this pain.

放棄，讓自己不再受苦。

But then I would find my resolve,

但之後我發現自己的決心，而且始終如一，

and always in the same way,

by saying, "I'm not going to quit,

只要說：「我不打算放棄，

I'm going home."

我要回家了。」

And you have to understand that for me,

你要了解對我來說，

going home did not mean returning to my family's farm.

回家的意思不是回到我家的農場。

For me, going home

對我來說，

回家意謂著回到寫作的工作上，

meant returning to the work of writing

because writing was my home,

因為寫作就是我的家，

because I loved writing more than I hated failing at writing,

因為我熱愛寫作 勝於我討厭寫壞了的感覺，

which is to say that I loved writing

那就是說我愛寫作

more than I loved my own ego,

勝於我的自我，

which is ultimately to say

終極的意義就是

that I loved writing more than I loved myself.

我愛寫作勝於愛自己。

And that's how I pushed through it.

那就是我走過來的方式。

But the weird thing is that 20 years later,

但奇怪的是 20 年後，

during the crazy ride of "Eat, Pray, Love,"

在《享受吧！一個人的旅行》的 瘋狂之旅期間，

I found myself identifying all over again

我發現自己又再次用

with that unpublished young diner waitress

當年那個沒出書的 年輕服務生認定一切，

who I used to be, thinking about her constantly,

我總是不斷想起她，

and feeling like I was her again,

再次覺得自己就是她，

which made no rational sense whatsoever

其實這沒什麼道理，

because our lives could not have been more different.

因為我們的生活早已天差地遠。

She had failed constantly.

她不斷失敗，

I had succeeded beyond my wildest expectation.

而我曾超乎意料之外的成功。

We had nothing in common.

我們沒有任何共通處。

Why did I suddenly feel like I was her all over again?

為什麼我突然又覺得自己就是她？

And it was only when I was trying to unthread that

一直到我試著抽絲剝繭，

that I finally began to comprehend

才終於開始理解

the strange and unlikely psychological connection

那奇怪又不真實的精神連結

in our lives between the way we experience great failure

存在我倆生命中

and the way we experience great success.

經歷大起大落的方式之間。

So think of it like this:

用這個方式思考：

For most of your life, you live out your existence

你大半輩子的生活

here in the middle of the chain of human experience

是在人類的歷史洪流中渡過，

where everything is normal and reassuring and regular,

每件事都很正常、可靠與規律，

but failure catapults you abruptly way out over here

但失敗讓你猛然落入遠在天邊、

into the blinding darkness of disappointment.

黑得看不見五指的失望深淵裡。

Success catapults you just as abruptly but just as far

成功也是讓你猛然落入

同樣遠在天邊的

way out over here

into the equally blinding glare

那以名聲、肯定與讚賞 所構成的目盲眩光之中。

of fame and recognition and praise.

And one of these fates

而在這兩種命運中，有一個

is objectively seen by the world as bad,

在客觀上，是被世人認為不好的，

and the other one is objectively seen by the world as good,

而另一個則被視為好的，

but your subconscious is completely incapable

但你的潛意識卻完全無法

of discerning the difference between bad and good.

分辨好與壞的差別。

The only thing that it is capable of feeling

唯一能感受到的是

is the absolute value of this emotional equation,

這種情感方程式的絕對值，

the exact distance that you have been flung

那就是一直以來 你被拋離自己的距離。

from yourself.

And there's a real equal danger in both cases

這兩種情況都有同樣真實的危險，

of getting lost out there

就是在心靈深處迷失。

in the hinterlands of the psyche.

But in both cases, it turns out that there is

但這兩者也同樣都有 自我修復的解方，

also the same remedy for self-restoration,

and that is that you have got to find your way back home again

那就是你必須再次找到回家的路，

as swiftly and smoothly as you can,

儘可能快速與平穩，

and if you're wondering what your home is,

如果你想知道自己的家在何方，

here's a hint:

可以試想：

Your home is whatever in this world you love

你的家就是這世上，

more than you love yourself.

你愛它比愛自己還多的地方。

So that might be creativity, it might be family,

因此那也許是創造，也許是家庭，

it might be invention, adventure,

也許是發明、冒險、

faith, service, it might be raising corgis,

信仰、佈道，也許是養柯基犬，

I don't know, your home is that thing

都有可能，你的家就是那個

to which you can dedicate your energies

你能奉獻活力的地方，

with such singular devotion

有了如此獨一無二的奉獻，

that the ultimate results become inconsequential.

最後的結果就會變得微不足道。

For me, that home has always been writing.

對我來說，家一直以來都是寫作。

So after the weird, disorienting success

因此在完成《享受吧！一個人的旅行》

不可思議又讓人迷惘的成功之後，

that I went through with "Eat, Pray, Love,"

I realized that all I had to do was exactly

我了解自己需要做的

the same thing that I used to have to do all the time

就和我處在迷惘的失敗中時

when I was an equally disoriented failure.

必須做的同一件事。

I had to get my ass back to work,

我得起身去工作，

and that's what I did, and that's how, in 2010,

那是我過去做的事，也是在 2010 年時，

I was able to publish the dreaded follow-up

我為什麼能出版那嚇人的東西

接續《享受吧！一個人的旅行》。

to "Eat, Pray, Love."

And you know what happened with that book?

你知道那本書後來怎麼了嗎？

It bombed, and I was fine.

大慘敗，但我還是好好的。

Actually, I kind of felt bulletproof,

其實我覺得自己就像百毒不侵，

because I knew that I had broken the spell

因為我知道自己早就破除了魔咒，

and I had found my way back home

我已經找到回家的路，

to writing for the sheer devotion of it.

就是為了全然的奉獻而寫。

And I stayed in my home of writing after that,

那之後我待在寫作的家，

and I wrote another book that just came out last year

寫了另一本書，在去年出版，

and that one was really beautifully received,

而且也頗受好評，

which is very nice, but not my point.

雖然那不是重點，但那真棒。

My point is that I'm writing another one now,

重點是我正在寫另一本書，

and I'll write another book after that

之後會再寫另一本書，

and another and another and another

未來也會寫更多、更多書，

and many of them will fail,

之中有很多本都會慘敗，

and some of them might succeed,

也許有幾本會成功，

but I will always be safe

但是我永遠會平安地

from the random hurricanes of outcome

從不時出現的颶風般結局中活下來，

as long as I never forget where I rightfully live.

只要我永遠不忘 自己生活在對的地方。

Look, I don't know where you rightfully live,

我不知道哪裡對你來說是對的地方，

but I know that there's something in this world

但我知道世上有某種

that you love more than you love yourself.

你愛它勝過愛自己的東西。

Something worthy, by the way,

某種有價值的東西，

so addiction and infatuation don't count,

但是成癮和沉溺不算，

because we all know that those are not safe places to live. Right?

因為我們都知道那不安全，對吧。

The only trick is that you've got to identify

唯一的訣竅是你得辨別

the best, worthiest thing that you love most,

你最愛的東西中最好， 也最有價值的那個，

and then build your house right on top of it

接著在那之上建立起自己的家，

and don't budge from it.

不要讓步。

And if you should someday, somehow

如果你在某天

get vaulted out of your home

從家裡被拋出，

by either great failure or great success,

不論是因為慘敗或是大勝，

then your job is to fight your way back to that home

你的工作就是努力回到那個家，

the only way that it has ever been done,

唯一能夠做到的方式

by putting your head down and performing

就是埋頭苦幹，

with diligence and devotion

用勤奮、奉獻、尊重且崇敬的態度去做，

and respect and reverence

whatever the task is that love

不論接下來這項任務是什麼，

is calling forth from you next.

愛都會在下一個階段呼喚你。

You just do that, and keep doing that

你只要做，不停地做，

again and again and again,

一而再、再而三，

and I can absolutely promise you, from long personal experience

我能向你保證，

in every direction, I can assure you

以我長久以來的 各種個人經驗來看，

我能保證一切都會平安無事。

that it's all going to be okay.

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）