What you don't know about marriage | Jenna McCarthy

翻译人员: Karen SONG 校对人员: Kim Wang

Every year in the United States alone,

每年，仅仅在美国

2,077,000 couples make a legal and spiritual decision

就有207万7000对情侣

在法律上和精神上决定

与对方共度一生

to spend the rest of their lives together --

（笑声）

(Laughter)

And not to have sex with anyone else.

而且不搞外遇

绝不

Ever.

He buys a ring, she buys a dress.

他买好戒指，她购入婚纱

他们一起置办

They go shopping for all sorts of things.

各种东西

She takes him to Arthur Murray for ballroom-dancing lessons.

她带他去Arthur Murray舞蹈教室上课

学跳交际舞

And the big day comes.

之后喜事来临

And they'll stand before God and family

他们在主和家人的见证下

and some guy her dad once did business with,

还包括她父亲曾经的生意伙伴

and they'll vow that nothing --

他们发誓，无论何事

无论是一贫如洗

not abject poverty,

还是身患绝症

not life-threatening illness,

not complete and utter misery --

抑或是遭遇彻头彻尾的苦难

will ever put the tiniest damper on their eternal love and devotion.

都丝毫不会影响

他们永恒的爱与忠诚

（笑声）

(Laughter)

这些乐观年轻的混蛋们

These optimistic young bastards promise to honor and cherish each other

许诺尊重并珍惜彼此

从新婚

through hot flashes and midlife crises

到中年危机

and a cumulative 50-pound weight gain,

到持续增加50磅的体重（45斤）

until that far-off day, when one of them is finally able to rest in peace.

直到在遥远未来的某一天

两人中的一个

终于得以安息

(Laughter)

You know, because they can't hear the snoring anymore.

因为他们再也听不到对方的鼾声了

And then they'll get stupid drunk

他们会喝的得醉醺醺

and smash cake in each other's faces and do the Macarena.

向对方掷蛋糕，唱玛卡雷娜二重唱

And we'll be there,

我们也会在场

showering them with towels and toasters and drinking their free booze

一次次举杯庆贺

狂饮免费酒水

and throwing birdseed at them every single time ...

向他们扔鸟食

我们一贯如此

even though we know, statistically,

即使我们知道

统计表明

half of them will be divorced within a decade.

一半以上的婚姻维持不到10年

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Of course, the other half won't, right?

当然，另一半婚姻尚未终结，对不对？

他们会一直忘记纪念日

They'll keep forgetting anniversaries

为去哪儿度假而争吵

and arguing about where to spend holidays

and debating --

互相争辩

(Laughter)

Which way the toilet paper should come off of the roll.

厕纸

该按什么方向摆

他们中的一些人

And some of them will even still be enjoying each other's company

也会一直享受有对方的陪伴

when neither of them can chew solid food anymore.

知道牙齿松动嚼不动固体食物

研究人员希望知道原因

And researchers want to know why.

I mean, look -- it doesn't take a double-blind, placebo-controlled study

这并不需要一个双盲的对照组研究

来破解婚姻失败的秘密

to figure out what makes a marriage not work:

disrespect, boredom,

互不尊重、厌倦

沉迷Facebook（脸书网站）

too much time on Facebook,

having sex with other people.

搞外遇

But you can have the exact opposite of all of those things --

你也可以举出上述所有的反义词

respect, excitement,

互相尊重、新鲜刺激

a broken Internet connection,

断网

mind-numbing monogamy --

麻木的一夫一妻制

and the thing still can go to hell in a handbasket.

但还是搞砸了

So, what's going on when it doesn't?

所以维系婚姻的究竟是什么？

那些成功携手

What do the folks who make it all the way to side-by-side burial plots

生同衾、死同穴的伴侣

有何共通点？

have in common?

他们做对了哪些？

What are they doing right?

What can we learn from them?

我们能从中学到什么？

And if you're still happily sleeping solo,

如果你是个快乐的单身贵族

why should you stop what you're doing and make it your life's work

为什么一定要放弃现在的生活

而毕生投入于

to find that one special person

找寻那个特别的人

that you can annoy for the rest of your life?

那个你一辈子都觉得很烦的人?

Well, researchers spend billions of your tax dollars

研究人员花费了几十亿纳税人的钱

来寻找原因

trying to figure that out.

They stalk blissful couples

他们跟踪调查美满的婚姻

and study their every move and mannerism.

他们研究夫妻间的所有行为和特殊习惯

他们尝试精确定位

And they try to pinpoint what it is that sets them apart

幸福的夫妻不同于

from their miserable neighbors and friends.

不幸的邻居朋友们的所有不同之处

结果发现

And it turns out, the success stories share a few similarities,

成功的婚姻

的确有一些相似之处

而不仅仅是不搞外遇

beyond that they don't have sex with other people.

比如说，在幸福的婚姻里

For instance, in the happiest marriages,

妻子都比丈夫要苗条好看

the wife is thinner and better-looking

than the husband.

（笑声）

(Laughter)

Obvious. Right?

明显正确

It's obvious that this leads to marital bliss,

很明显这一点是婚姻幸福的原因

因为女人都很看重

because women -- we care a great deal about being thin and good-looking,

身材和美貌

whereas men mostly care about sex,

男人大多在乎性

最好是跟

ideally, with women who are thinner and better looking than they are.

比他们苗条好看的女人

这项研究的妙处在于

The beauty of this research, though,

没有人在暗示说

is that no one is suggesting that women have to be thin to be happy.

女人要瘦才会快乐

只要比伴侣瘦一点儿就行

We just have to be thinner than our partners.

So instead of all that laborious dieting and exercising,

这样就不用艰苦锻炼

勉强节食

我们只要等着自己的男人发福就好

we just need to wait for them to get fat --

(Laughter)

也许再多烤几个派

Maybe bake a few pies.

This is good information to have, and it's not that complicated.

这是很好的消息

也不复杂

(Laughter)

Research also suggests

研究也显示

that the happiest couples are the ones that focus on the positives.

幸福的夫妻

聚焦于事物的积极一面

比如说，一个幸福的妻子

For example: the happy wife.

不会指责丈夫腰围渐粗

Instead of pointing out her husband's growing gut

or suggesting he go for a run,

也不会建议他出去跑步

她很可能会说

she might say,

"Wow, honey, thank you for going out of your way

“宝贝，谢谢你已经开始努力

to make me relatively thinner."

让我相对更苗条。”

(Laughter)

These are couples who can find good in any situation.

这些夫妻能够在任何情况下都找到好的一面

“这可真是太惨了

"Yeah, it was devastating when we lost everything in that fire.

我们在火灾中失去了一切

不过在满天星斗下熟睡也是一桩美事

But it's kind of nice sleeping out here under the stars.

而且你刚好还有足够的脂肪

And it's a good thing you've got all that body fat to keep us warm."

让我们保暖。”

(Laughter)

我尤其喜欢的一项研究发现

One of my favorite studies found

that the more willing a husband is to do housework,

丈夫越愿意做家务

the more attractive his wife will find him.

妻子就觉得他越迷人

因为我们着实需要有项研究来告诉我们这个结论

Because we needed a study to tell us this.

(Laughter)

But here's what's going on here.

然后我们有以下推理

The more attractive she finds him, the more sex they have;

妻子越觉得丈夫有吸引力，就会有越多性爱

the more sex they have, the nicer he is to her;

他们有越多性爱，丈夫就对妻子越好

丈夫对妻子越好

the nicer he is to her,

the less she nags him about leaving wet towels on the bed,

妻子就越少唠叨丈夫把湿毛巾扔在床上

and ultimately, they live happily ever after.

最终，他们一直幸福地生活在一起

In other words, men, you might want to pick it up a notch

换句话说，男人们也许应该

在家里多干点活儿了

in the domestic department.

Here's an interesting one.

另一项有趣的研究

One study found that people who smile in childhood photographs

发现

在童年时期的照片里笑着的人

are less likely to get a divorce.

离婚率较低

这是一项真实的研究

This is an actual study, and let me clarify:

让我解释一下

the researchers were not looking at documented self-reports

研究人员并不是

看文字记录的童年幸福记录

of childhood happiness,

或者从前的日记之类

or even studying old journals.

数据全部来源于

The data were based entirely on whether people looked happy

人们是不是看上去高兴

in these early pictures.

显示在这些早年的照片中

我不清楚在座各位的年龄

Now, I don't know how old all of you are, but when I was a kid,

但当我还是小孩儿时

your parents took pictures with a special kind of camera

家长拍照用的是一种特殊的相机

里面装着一种叫胶卷的东西

that held something called "film."

天哪，胶卷这玩意儿真是贵

And, by God, film was expensive.

They didn't take 300 shots of you in that rapid-fire digital video mode

他们可不是拍上300张

用那种数码录像的帧数速度

and then pick out the nicest, smiliest one for the Christmas card.

然后再挑上一张最漂亮的，笑得最好的照片

放在圣诞卡上

哦不是的

Oh, no.

他们把你打扮好，排上队

They dressed you up, they lined you up,

然后叫你冲着相机笑

and you smiled for the fucking camera like they told you to

要不然生日派对直接结束

or you could kiss your birthday party goodbye.

即使这样，我也有一大堆

But still, I have a huge pile of fake happy childhood pictures

假装幸福的童年照片

and I'm glad they make me less likely than some people to get a divorce.

我很庆幸这些照片让我看起来

不那么容易离婚

So, what else can you do to safeguard your marriage?

你还能做什么

来守卫你的婚姻？

Do not win an Oscar for best actress.

不要去赢奥斯卡影后

（笑声）

(Laughter)

I'm serious.

我是认真的

Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford, Halle Berry, Hilary Swank,

贝蒂.戴维斯、琼.克劳馥、哈利.贝瑞、希拉里.斯旺克、

桑德拉.布洛克、瑞茜.威瑟斯彭、

Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon --

她们所有人

all of them single, soon after taking home that statue.

在把小金人带回家后不久都成了单身

They actually call it the Oscar curse.

真的有种说法叫“奥斯卡诅咒”

这是婚姻的死亡之吻

It is the marriage kiss of death and something that should be avoided.

应该极力避免

And it's not just successfully starring in films that's dangerous.

在电影里成功饰演角色

不是唯一危险的

研究发现，只是看一部浪漫喜剧

It turns out, merely watching a romantic comedy

causes relationship satisfaction to plummet.

就能导致婚姻关系满意度直线下降

（笑声）

(Laughter)

Apparently, the bitter realization that maybe it could happen to us,

很明显，苦涩地意识到

片中故事有可能是真的

but it obviously hasn't and it probably never will,

但尚未也很可能永远不会发生在自己身上

这种认识更加突显了人生不能承受之殇

makes our lives seem unbearably grim in comparison.

人比人，气死人

理论上说

And theoretically,

I suppose if we opt for a film where someone gets brutally murdered

假设我们选择看一部电影，角色被残忍的杀害

or dies in a fiery car crash,

或者死于惨烈的交通事故

我们走出电影院时

we are more likely to walk out of that theater

feeling like we've got it pretty good.

感觉可能还相当好

(Laughter)

饮酒似乎是

Drinking alcohol, it seems, is bad for your marriage.

对婚姻不利的

是的

Yeah.

我没什么可告诉你们的

I can't tell you anymore about that one

因为（这篇文章）我读到标题就不读了

because I stopped reading it at the headline.

这还有一条可怕的

But here's a scary one: divorce is contagious.

离婚会传染

That's right, when you have a close couple friend split up,

没错 如果你的好朋友分手了

it increases your chances of getting a divorce by 75 percent.

你自己离婚的可能性

会增加75%

这条一点儿也不适用于我自己

Now, I have to say, I don't get this one at all.

我丈夫和我

My husband and I have watched quite a few friends divide their assets

目睹了一些朋友分家产

挣扎着生活

and then struggle with being our age and single

在我们这个年龄独身

in an age of sexting and Viagra and eHarmony.

在这个充斥色情短信和伟哥的时代

还有相亲网站

我却觉得这些朋友（的经历）对于我自己婚姻的帮助

And I'm thinking they've done more for my marriage

比终身治疗的帮助还要大

than a lifetime of therapy ever could.

你们可能会问

So now you may be wondering: Why does anyone get married ever?

人们为什么要结婚？

Well, the US federal government counts more than a thousand legal benefits

美国联邦政府

列举出上千条法律上的

to being someone's spouse.

结成配偶的好处

A list that includes visitation rights in jail,

包括监狱探视权

but hopefully, you'll never need that one.

但愿大家永远别用到这一条

But beyond the profound federal perks,

除了各种各样的政策福利

已婚人士收入更高

married people make more money.

更健康

We're healthier, physically and emotionally.

无论是肉体上还是精神上

We produce happier, more stable and more successful kids.

生养更快乐、情绪更稳定

更成功的下一代

已婚人士有更多性爱

We have more sex than our supposedly swinging single friends,

比起他们看似放纵的单身朋友

信不信由你

believe it or not.

已婚人士更长寿

We even live longer,

which is a pretty compelling argument for marrying someone you like a lot

这是个很有力的理由

用来结婚

但前提是你要非常喜欢你的对象

in the first place.

(Laughter)

Now, if you're not currently experiencing the joy of the joint tax return,

如果你目前没有享受到

联合纳税申报的喜悦

I can't tell you how to find a chore-loving person

我无法告诉你如何找到一个热爱家务的人

有着近乎理想的身材和吸引力

of the approximately ideal size and attractiveness,

who prefers horror movies

爱看恐怖电影

and doesn't have a lot of friends hovering on the brink of divorce,

又没有太多身处离婚危险的朋友

我只能鼓励你去积极尝试

but I can only encourage you to try,

because the benefits, as I've pointed out,

因为就如我刚刚指出的

结婚好处多多

are significant.

关键在于，无论你已婚还是在寻找姻缘

The bottom line is: whether you're in it or you're searching for it,

我相信婚姻制度

I believe marriage is an institution worth pursuing and protecting.

都是值得施行和维护的

So I hope you'll use the information I've given you today

希望大家能用上今天我提供的信息

来扬长避短

to weigh your personal strengths against your own risk factors.

来扬长避短

For instance, in my marriage, I'd say I'm doing OK.

譬如我自己

我的婚姻还不错

但是

One the one hand,

我丈夫苗条地让人羡慕嫉妒恨

I have a husband who's annoyingly lean and incredibly handsome.

还无可救药的帅

So I'm obviously going to need fatten him up.

显然我要赶紧让他发福

And like I said, we have those divorced friends

我也说过，我们有那些离了婚的朋友

心怀不轨或是无意识地

who may secretly or subconsciously be trying to break us up.

要拆散我们

So we have to keep an eye on that.

我们得小心了

我们也喜欢来一两杯

And we do like a cocktail or two.

不过

On the other hand,

I have the fake happy picture thing.

我有那些假装高兴的照片

And also, my husband does a lot around the house,

而我丈夫做很多家务

也绝对乐意

and would happily never see another romantic comedy

永远不看爱情喜剧

as long as he lives.

所以形势于我还是有利的

So I've got all those things going for me.

But just in case,

不过要以防万一

I plan to work extra hard to not win an Oscar anytime soon.

我要加倍努力

绝对不要拿到小金人

And for the good of your relationships,

为了你们自己的婚姻

I would encourage you to do the same.

我鼓励你们也这样做

我们酒吧见

I'll see you at the bar.

（鼓掌）

(Laughter)

(Applause)