What you don't know about marriage | Jenna McCarthy

譯者: Yuning912 陳又寧 審譯者: Joyce Chou

Every year in the United States alone,

在美國，每年有

2,077,000 couples make a legal and spiritual decision

207萬7千對新人，

許下神聖且合法的承諾

要與另一半攜手共度他們往後的人生...

to spend the rest of their lives together --

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

And not to have sex with anyone else.

並且承諾絕對不會跟任何其他的人有染。

絕對不會。

Ever.

He buys a ring, she buys a dress.

他會買下婚戒，她會挑選好婚紗，

兩人一起購物

They go shopping for all sorts of things.

一起做任何事情。

She takes him to Arthur Murray for ballroom-dancing lessons.

她也會帶著他

去學跳愛的雙人舞。

And the big day comes.

然後當那重大的日子來到，

And they'll stand before God and family

他們會站在上帝，親友，家人

and some guy her dad once did business with,

還有一些她父親生意夥伴的面前，

and they'll vow that nothing --

對眾人起誓，

不計較貧困，

not abject poverty,

任何健康疾病，

not life-threatening illness,

not complete and utter misery --

任何不幸災難，

will ever put the tiniest damper on their eternal love and devotion.

都改變不了兩人之間

永恆不變的愛與承諾。

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

這些天真的年輕小鬼們

These optimistic young bastards promise to honor and cherish each other

信誓旦旦會珍惜彼此一輩子，

從熱戀期

through hot flashes and midlife crises

到中年危機，

and a cumulative 50-pound weight gain,

體重默默增加了50磅，

until that far-off day, when one of them is finally able to rest in peace.

一直到很久後的某一天，

其中的一個人，終於，

安詳的睡去。

(Laughter)

You know, because they can't hear the snoring anymore.

你知道的，因為他們終於不用聽到對方的鼾聲了。

And then they'll get stupid drunk

他們還會在婚禮那天一起發酒瘋

and smash cake in each other's faces and do the Macarena.

然後用蛋糕砸對方的臉，

And we'll be there,

而我們這些朋友會在一旁，

showering them with towels and toasters and drinking their free booze

拉禮炮，開香檳，

享受免費的喜酒，

and throwing birdseed at them every single time ...

還有祝福他們夫妻百年好合，

一次次的重複。

even though we know, statistically,

雖然，我們都心知肚明，

經過統計，

half of them will be divorced within a decade.

這些夫妻們有一半會在十年內離婚。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Of course, the other half won't, right?

當然，還是有半數的夫妻沒有離婚，對吧?

他們只是會不停的忘記結婚紀念日，

They'll keep forgetting anniversaries

為了要去哪度假起爭執，

and arguing about where to spend holidays

and debating --

還有激烈的辯論，到底，

(Laughter)

Which way the toilet paper should come off of the roll.

廁所的衛生紙捲

應該要向內還是向外。

然而，還是有一小部分的夫妻

And some of them will even still be enjoying each other's company

會持續的享受彼此的陪伴，

when neither of them can chew solid food anymore.

即使髮白齒搖仍舊鶼鰈情深。

研究員們想知道他們是如何辦到的。

And researchers want to know why.

I mean, look -- it doesn't take a double-blind, placebo-controlled study

你也知道，用不著大費周章的做科學考證

我們也知道什麼會使婚姻出現問題。

to figure out what makes a marriage not work:

disrespect, boredom,

例如彼此不尊重，厭倦對方，

成天上網玩臉書，

too much time on Facebook,

having sex with other people.

或者是有了外遇。

But you can have the exact opposite of all of those things --

即使是一些完全相反的例子，

respect, excitement,

彼此尊重，生活有驚喜，

a broken Internet connection,

家裡沒網路，

mind-numbing monogamy --

這些徹底的遵守一夫一妻制的婚姻，

and the thing still can go to hell in a handbasket.

仍舊會因為雞毛蒜皮的小事而破裂。

So, what's going on when it doesn't?

所以說，那些成功的幸福婚姻，

到底是怎麼維繫的?

What do the folks who make it all the way to side-by-side burial plots

這些白頭到老的夫妻們

有什麼共同點?

have in common?

他們都是怎麼做的?

What are they doing right?

What can we learn from them?

我們要如何向他們學習?

And if you're still happily sleeping solo,

甚至，如果你是個快樂的單身貴族，

why should you stop what you're doing and make it your life's work

為什麼要放棄既有的生活，

自討苦吃的

to find that one special person

去找一個所謂的特別的人，

that you can annoy for the rest of your life?

來讓你下半輩子都不得安寧?

Well, researchers spend billions of your tax dollars

多虧你們的納稅錢，研究員們得以

去找出原因。

trying to figure that out.

They stalk blissful couples

他們像偵探一樣跟蹤那些幸福小夫妻，

and study their every move and mannerism.

觀察他們的一舉一動，特殊癖好，

試著找出哪些關鍵原因

And they try to pinpoint what it is that sets them apart

讓他們得以與眾不同

from their miserable neighbors and friends.

不被身邊朋友與鄰居的悲劇同化。

研究結果發現，

And it turns out, the success stories share a few similarities,

這些幸福的愛情故事，

都存在著一些共同點，

不單單只是不偷吃沒亂來。

beyond that they don't have sex with other people.

舉例來說，其中一個共同點就是

For instance, in the happiest marriages,

太太的身材還有外型保持的比先生好。

the wife is thinner and better-looking

than the husband.

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

Obvious. Right?

挺能理解的吧。

It's obvious that this leads to marital bliss,

這樣的現象在幸福婚姻中屢見不鮮，

原因很簡單，因為我們女人，

because women -- we care a great deal about being thin and good-looking,

就是愛漂亮，

whereas men mostly care about sex,

然後男人成天想著的就是性，

男人對性的最高理想，就是對象能

ideally, with women who are thinner and better looking than they are.

比他們自己的外型更正點。

這個研究的可貴之處在於，

The beauty of this research, though,

我們女人其實不用

is that no one is suggesting that women have to be thin to be happy.

為了討好另一半而拼命減肥，

只要維持著比我們的先生瘦一點就好。

We just have to be thinner than our partners.

So instead of all that laborious dieting and exercising,

所以說，與其耗費心神的

去節食或上健身房，

我們只需要讓老公變胖一點就好啦。

we just need to wait for them to get fat --

(Laughter)

或許多烤兩塊派。

Maybe bake a few pies.

This is good information to have, and it's not that complicated.

這對我們女人來說是個天大的好消息，

而且可以輕鬆上手。

(Laughter)

Research also suggests

另外，研究員們還說，

that the happiest couples are the ones that focus on the positives.

最快樂的夫妻們，

都懂得善用正面思考。

例如，一個快樂的太太，

For example: the happy wife.

與其去酸丈夫的啤酒肚有多大，

Instead of pointing out her husband's growing gut

or suggesting he go for a run,

或去催促對方慢跑減肥，

她可以聰明的說，

she might say,

"Wow, honey, thank you for going out of your way

"哇，親愛的你好貼心唷，辛苦的把肚子養大，

to make me relatively thinner."

這樣我站在旁邊就顯得比較瘦囉！"

(Laughter)

These are couples who can find good in any situation.

這樣的小倆口懂得樂觀地去發掘生活中美好的一面。

"是的，這的確令人沮喪，

"Yeah, it was devastating when we lost everything in that fire.

那場大火把我們的所有家當都燒光了。

但能因此有機會睡在星光下也挺不賴的，

But it's kind of nice sleeping out here under the stars.

而且也幸好你有好好保存體脂肪，

And it's a good thing you've got all that body fat to keep us warm."

這樣抱著你就不怕冷囉。"

(Laughter)

我最喜歡的研究報告之一就是

One of my favorite studies found

that the more willing a husband is to do housework,

越樂意幫忙做家事的丈夫

the more attractive his wife will find him.

在妻子眼裡就越迷人。

我們就是需要一個這樣的研究。

Because we needed a study to tell us this.

(Laughter)

But here's what's going on here.

這整個流程就是，

The more attractive she finds him, the more sex they have;

當她越覺得丈夫迷人，她就越願意有性愛；

the more sex they have, the nicer he is to her;

他們越享受性愛，他就對妻子越好；

而他對她越好，

the nicer he is to her,

the less she nags him about leaving wet towels on the bed,

她就越少去抱怨他亂丟臭襪子，

and ultimately, they live happily ever after.

然後良性循環下，他們過著幸福快樂的日子。

In other words, men, you might want to pick it up a notch

換句話說，男人你們該把眼光拉長

好好當家裡的廁所所長。

in the domestic department.

Here's an interesting one.

這裡有個有趣的例子，

One study found that people who smile in childhood photographs

研究指出，

在童年相片裡露出笑容的人，

are less likely to get a divorce.

比較不會離婚。

這個研究是有根據的，

This is an actual study, and let me clarify:

先澄清一下，

the researchers were not looking at documented self-reports

這個研究不是根據你自己

精挑細選的歡樂相簿，

of childhood happiness,

也不是調查你的舊日記，

or even studying old journals.

整個數據是純粹取決於

The data were based entirely on whether people looked happy

你的幼年照片看起來

in these early pictures.

快樂不快樂。

我不太清楚各位的年齡，

Now, I don't know how old all of you are, but when I was a kid,

但就我那個年代，

your parents took pictures with a special kind of camera

父母們拍照必須拿一種很特殊的相機，

裡面塞著一個叫底片的東西，

that held something called "film."

這個底片沖洗是要花大錢的，

And, by God, film was expensive.

They didn't take 300 shots of you in that rapid-fire digital video mode

他們不可能開啟連拍功能，

隨便亂拍個300張，

and then pick out the nicest, smiliest one for the Christmas card.

然後挑選笑容最燦爛的

來當聖誕卡。

嘖嘖嘖，沒這麼好康。

Oh, no.

我們整裝排排站，

They dressed you up, they lined you up,

攝影師說笑我們就得笑，

and you smiled for the fucking camera like they told you to

然後喀嚓一聲，派對結束。

or you could kiss your birthday party goodbye.

但是，我仍舊有很多

But still, I have a huge pile of fake happy childhood pictures

裂嘴大笑的童年照片，

and I'm glad they make me less likely than some people to get a divorce.

非常慶幸它們讓我

減少了離婚的機率。

So, what else can you do to safeguard your marriage?

所以，我們還能做些什麼

來捍衛幸福婚姻?

Do not win an Oscar for best actress.

千萬不要，贏得奧斯卡最佳女演員獎。

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

I'm serious.

我是很正經的。

Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford, Halle Berry, Hilary Swank,

貝蒂戴維斯，珍克勞馥，荷莉貝瑞，希拉莉史旺，

珊卓布拉克，瑞絲薇絲朋，

Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon --

她們得到奧斯卡獎後

all of them single, soon after taking home that statue.

馬上就變單身了。

They actually call it the Oscar curse.

這是小金人的詛咒，

婚姻的死亡之吻，

It is the marriage kiss of death and something that should be avoided.

我們該全力避免得到這個獎。

And it's not just successfully starring in films that's dangerous.

而且危險的不只是

當女主角，

連隨便看個浪漫喜劇片

It turns out, merely watching a romantic comedy

causes relationship satisfaction to plummet.

都導致婚姻幸福指數下降！

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

Apparently, the bitter realization that maybe it could happen to us,

顯然的，很殘酷的事實就是

我們本來有機會體驗浪漫情節，

but it obviously hasn't and it probably never will,

但身邊那位讓一切都變成不可能了。

浪漫喜劇讓我們的生活

makes our lives seem unbearably grim in comparison.

相對顯得慘不忍睹。

所以理論上來說，

And theoretically,

I suppose if we opt for a film where someone gets brutally murdered

我們該反向操作，選看演員都很不幸被謀殺的電影，

or dies in a fiery car crash,

或是被車撞，然後車子還爆炸，

這樣我們離開戲院時，

we are more likely to walk out of that theater

feeling like we've got it pretty good.

會感到自己的人生還是有光明的。

(Laughter)

喝酒，好像也

Drinking alcohol, it seems, is bad for your marriage.

會對婚姻有負面影響。

就這樣，

Yeah.

我沒有辦法多著墨，因為我

I can't tell you anymore about that one

讀完這標題就不想看下去了。

because I stopped reading it at the headline.

但是接下來這個就驚悚了：

But here's a scary one: divorce is contagious.

離婚是會傳染的。

That's right, when you have a close couple friend split up,

是的，當你有個好朋友離婚了，

it increases your chances of getting a divorce by 75 percent.

你自己也離婚的機率

就提高了百分之七十五。

我必須說，我不太贊成這一點。

Now, I have to say, I don't get this one at all.

我跟我先生

My husband and I have watched quite a few friends divide their assets

身邊有許多朋友離婚分家，

然後很辛苦的

and then struggle with being our age and single

在不惑之齡過單身生活，

in an age of sexting and Viagra and eHarmony.

仰賴威而鋼或是情色電話

還有網路交友。

我暗自慶幸擁有這些朋友借鏡，

And I'm thinking they've done more for my marriage

這比婚姻輔導更有威信力。

than a lifetime of therapy ever could.

現在，你們大概在想，

So now you may be wondering: Why does anyone get married ever?

為什麼人要結婚?

Well, the US federal government counts more than a thousand legal benefits

關於這點，美國政府

列出上千條合法益處

to being someone's spouse.

保障婚姻關係，

A list that includes visitation rights in jail,

其中包括合法探監權。

but hopefully, you'll never need that one.

希望你們不太需要用到這條。

But beyond the profound federal perks,

除了這些聯邦特權，

已婚的夫婦有更好的收入，

married people make more money.

更健康的身體，

We're healthier, physically and emotionally.

更開朗的心胸。

We produce happier, more stable and more successful kids.

我們能養出更快樂，更穩定

且更成功的下一代。

不管你們相不相信，

We have more sex than our supposedly swinging single friends,

我們比那些單身朋友們

享受更多性愛。

believe it or not.

我們甚至活得更久，

We even live longer,

which is a pretty compelling argument for marrying someone you like a lot

這是個挺誘人的好處，

代價就只是去跟一個

你本來就很喜歡的人結婚。

in the first place.

(Laughter)

Now, if you're not currently experiencing the joy of the joint tax return,

如果你還沒有親身體會過

夫妻共同節稅的快感，

I can't tell you how to find a chore-loving person

我也無法教你該如何找到一個

喜歡做家事，身材適中，臉蛋標緻，

of the approximately ideal size and attractiveness,

who prefers horror movies

朋友不多，喜歡恐怖片，

and doesn't have a lot of friends hovering on the brink of divorce,

又剛好正要離婚的對象。

但我可以鼓勵你去開始尋找，

but I can only encourage you to try,

because the benefits, as I've pointed out,

因為婚姻生活的種種好處，

是超乎想像的。

are significant.

無論已婚未婚，你該了解的是

The bottom line is: whether you're in it or you're searching for it,

結婚就像是合開一間公司，

I believe marriage is an institution worth pursuing and protecting.

需要雙方去經營與維護。

So I hope you'll use the information I've given you today

我希望你們能善用今天得到的情報

來幫助你們衡量

to weigh your personal strengths against your own risk factors.

你們婚姻的優勢與劣勢。

For instance, in my marriage, I'd say I'm doing OK.

譬如說，我的婚姻生活

目前還算過得去。

我婚姻的劣勢就是，

One the one hand,

我有個身材很健美的老公

I have a husband who's annoyingly lean and incredibly handsome.

還很不幸的長得很帥，

So I'm obviously going to need fatten him up.

所以顯然我必須加把勁養肥他。

And like I said, we have those divorced friends

而且我們身邊有很多離婚的朋友

或許會下意識的

who may secretly or subconsciously be trying to break us up.

導致我們分手。

So we have to keep an eye on that.

我們必須留心這點。

而且我們享受喝點小酒。

And we do like a cocktail or two.

而我的優勢，

On the other hand,

I have the fake happy picture thing.

就是那些笑得很假的童年相片。

And also, my husband does a lot around the house,

喔，還有我的老公幫忙做很多家事，

而且在我們有生之年

and would happily never see another romantic comedy

都會避免去看那些浪漫愛情片。

as long as he lives.

所以這就是我個人的案例。

So I've got all those things going for me.

But just in case,

另外，小心起見，

I plan to work extra hard to not win an Oscar anytime soon.

我真的很努力的

盡量不要贏得奧斯卡獎。

And for the good of your relationships,

為了你們好，

I would encourage you to do the same.

我建議你們也盡量避免得獎。

我們等下交誼廳見囉。

I'll see you at the bar.

(掌聲)

(Laughter)

(Applause)