What you don't know about marriage | Jenna McCarthy

Translator: Raymond Ou Reviewer: Yipeng Xie

Every year in the United States alone,

每一年淨喺美國

2,077,000 couples make a legal and spiritual decision

就有 2,077,000 對新人

作出法律同信仰嘅承諾

to spend the rest of their lives together --

同另一半一齊度過一生一世

（臺下笑聲）

(Laughter)

And not to have sex with anyone else.

同以後唔再同其他人上床

Ever.

He buys a ring, she buys a dress.

男嘅就買戒指，女嘅就揀好婚紗

兩個人一齊買嘢

They go shopping for all sorts of things.

She takes him to Arthur Murray for ballroom-dancing lessons.

女方會帶男方到舞蹈會所一齊學社交舞

And the big day comes.

最後大日子降臨

And they'll stand before God and family

佢哋會喺神同家人

and some guy her dad once did business with,

仲有女方爸爸以往嘅生意夥伴面前發誓

and they'll vow that nothing --

not abject poverty,

無論貧窮、絕症、不幸

not life-threatening illness,

not complete and utter misery --

will ever put the tiniest damper on their eternal love and devotion.

都動搖唔到男女雙方嘅愛同承諾

(Laughter)

（臺下笑聲）

呢啲天真嘅後生仔女

These optimistic young bastards promise to honor and cherish each other

承諾無論係更年期

through hot flashes and midlife crises

中年危機或者肥胖

and a cumulative 50-pound weight gain,

都願意同甘共苦、守望相助

until that far-off day, when one of them is finally able to rest in peace.

直至其中一個安息

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

You know, because they can't hear the snoring anymore.

因為佢哋唔使再忍受對方嘅鼻鼾聲

And then they'll get stupid drunk

婚禮當日，佢哋會變成醉貓

and smash cake in each other's faces and do the Macarena.

仲會向對方嘅面掟蛋糕 同一齊跳 Marcarena 舞

And we'll be there,

而我哋所有朋友會企喺一邊

showering them with towels and toasters and drinking their free booze

向佢哋一齊拉禮炮開香檳

然後飲免費喜酒

and throwing birdseed at them every single time ...

仲有祝一對新人百年好合

even though we know, statistically,

雖然，我哋知道

根據統計

half of them will be divorced within a decade.

有一半嘅新人十年之內會離婚

(Laughter)

（臺下笑聲）

Of course, the other half won't, right?

當然，另外半數嘅新人唔會，啱唔啱？

佢哋會一路唔記得結婚週年紀念日

They'll keep forgetting anniversaries

仲會為咗去邊度度假起爭執

and arguing about where to spend holidays

and debating --

甚至爭論究竟要將廁紙卷 向上拉定向下拉

(Laughter)

Which way the toilet paper should come off of the roll.

但係有一部分夫妻

And some of them will even still be enjoying each other's company

當兩個都唔可以再食固體食物時

when neither of them can chew solid food anymore.

都依然享受二人生活

研究員想知道呢啲夫婦點做到

And researchers want to know why.

I mean, look -- it doesn't take a double-blind, placebo-controlled study

我嘅意思係，唔需要做 雙盲或者假藥嘅研究

to figure out what makes a marriage not work:

先至了解到一份婚姻點解會失敗︰

disrespect, boredom,

唔尊重、無聊

too much time on Facebook,

用太多時間喺 Facebook

having sex with other people.

同其他人發生性關係，都係原因

But you can have the exact opposite of all of those things --

但係上述四樣嘢係可以調返轉︰

respect, excitement,

尊重、刺激

a broken Internet connection,

上唔到網

mind-numbing monogamy --

同埋必須遵守嘅一夫一妻制

and the thing still can go to hell in a handbasket.

但就算做足呢四樣嘢 婚姻都未必維持到

So, what's going on when it doesn't?

咁樣，嗰啲成功嘅婚姻 到底係點樣維繫嘅呢？

What do the folks who make it all the way to side-by-side burial plots

嗰啲白頭到老嘅夫婦有啲咩共同之處？

have in common?

佢哋係點樣做到嘅？

What are they doing right?

What can we learn from them?

我哋要點樣向佢哋學習？

And if you're still happily sleeping solo,

再者，如果你仲係單身而又快樂

why should you stop what you're doing and make it your life's work

咁點解你要放棄原有嘅生活

去搵一個會令你下半世 都不得安寧嘅另一半？

to find that one special person

that you can annoy for the rest of your life?

Well, researchers spend billions of your tax dollars

研究員用咗你哋嘅納稅錢 嘗試揾出箇中原因

trying to figure that out.

They stalk blissful couples

佢哋跟蹤嗰啲幸福小夫妻

and study their every move and mannerism.

觀察佢哋嘅一舉一動，包括特殊癖好

And they try to pinpoint what it is that sets them apart

然後佢哋揾出有咩因素令佢哋與別不同

from their miserable neighbors and friends.

得以避免重蹈鄰居同朋友嘅覆轍

最後得出來嘅結果係

And it turns out, the success stories share a few similarities,

呢啲成功故事嘅共同點

唔止係唔會對另一半不忠

beyond that they don't have sex with other people.

舉例，成功嘅婚姻關係

For instance, in the happiest marriages,

太太通常會比丈夫來得瘦同好睇

the wife is thinner and better-looking

than the husband.

（臺下笑聲）

(Laughter)

Obvious. Right?

顯然係啱嘅

It's obvious that this leads to marital bliss,

顯然呢個係成功婚姻嘅要素

because women -- we care a great deal about being thin and good-looking,

因為女人注重身形同外貌

whereas men mostly care about sex,

而男人只對性有興趣

ideally, with women who are thinner and better looking than they are.

而且最好係身形同外觀比自己好嘅女人

The beauty of this research, though,

呢個研究有一樣嘢可取︰

is that no one is suggesting that women have to be thin to be happy.

就係冇話女人一定要瘦至幸福

We just have to be thinner than our partners.

我哋淨係需要比另一半瘦就得啦

So instead of all that laborious dieting and exercising,

所以與其試勻所有節食同運動嘅方法

we just need to wait for them to get fat --

我哋淨係需要等另一半變肥

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

或者我哋可以整多幾個批

Maybe bake a few pies.

This is good information to have, and it's not that complicated.

呢個係好消息

亦唔係咁複雜難明

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Research also suggests

研究同時指出

that the happiest couples are the ones that focus on the positives.

幸福夫妻只會睇正面嘅嘢

For example: the happy wife.

例如，一位幸福嘅太太

Instead of pointing out her husband's growing gut

與其指出丈夫嘅肚腩有幾大

or suggesting he go for a run,

或者建議佢去跑步

she might say,

佢會講

"Wow, honey, thank you for going out of your way

「嘩，親愛嘅，

多謝你任由自己嘅身形走樣 嚟令到我瘦啲。」

to make me relatively thinner."

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

These are couples who can find good in any situation.

呢啲夫婦會喺任何情況 都會向好嘅一面睇

"Yeah, it was devastating when we lost everything in that fire.

「啱啊，

一場大火燒曬，

但係喺星空之下瞓覺都唔錯啊。

But it's kind of nice sleeping out here under the stars.

有你身上嘅肥肉真係太好啦，

And it's a good thing you've got all that body fat to keep us warm."

可以保暖我哋。」

(Laughter)

我最鐘意嘅研究顯示

One of my favorite studies found

that the more willing a husband is to do housework,

老公越係肯去做家務

the more attractive his wife will find him.

老婆越係覺得老公有吸引力

Because we needed a study to tell us this.

因為我哋正需要研究 話畀我哋知呢樣嘢……

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But here's what's going on here.

成個流程就係

The more attractive she finds him, the more sex they have;

老婆越係覺得老公吸引 就越係願意做愛

the more sex they have, the nicer he is to her;

佢哋越係做得多愛 老公就越係對老婆好

the nicer he is to her,

老公越對老婆好

the less she nags him about leaving wet towels on the bed,

老婆就越唔會埋怨佢喺床上亂放濕毛巾

and ultimately, they live happily ever after.

咁佢哋就會長長久久喺埋一齊

In other words, men, you might want to pick it up a notch

換言之，男士們︰

你哋應該返去屋企改下嘞

in the domestic department.

Here's an interesting one.

有個研究好有趣

One study found that people who smile in childhood photographs

有個研究顯示

人喺童年影相嘅時候笑 就越唔會離婚

are less likely to get a divorce.

This is an actual study, and let me clarify:

呢個研究係真嘅

等我澄清一下︰

the researchers were not looking at documented self-reports

呢啲研究員唔係睇啲人 對自己童年開心程度畀幾多分

of childhood happiness,

or even studying old journals.

或者研究舊文獻

The data were based entirely on whether people looked happy

研究數據係完全基於

研究對象喺相入邊睇起來開唔開心

in these early pictures.

我唔清楚各位嘅年齡

Now, I don't know how old all of you are, but when I was a kid,

但我仲係細個陣

your parents took pictures with a special kind of camera

父母影相嘅時候會攞一部特別嘅相機

that held something called "film."

裏面裝住叫一樣嘢叫菲林嘅嘢

菲林好貴嘅

And, by God, film was expensive.

They didn't take 300 shots of you in that rapid-fire digital video mode

菲林亦唔冇得用快門連拍三百張

and then pick out the nicest, smiliest one for the Christmas card.

然後畀你揀笑容最燦爛嘅一張 來做聖誕卡

你就想啦

Oh, no.

They dressed you up, they lined you up,

攝影師只會幫你著靚件衫，企好

and you smiled for the fucking camera like they told you to

再叫你喺佢嘅要求底下 喺架爛鬼相機面前笑

或者你可以做吻別生日派對嘅姿勢

or you could kiss your birthday party goodbye.

但係，我仍然有一大堆 虛偽嘅童年開心照

But still, I have a huge pile of fake happy childhood pictures

and I'm glad they make me less likely than some people to get a divorce.

但我好開心

因為根據研究我會冇咁容易離婚

So, what else can you do to safeguard your marriage?

咁仲又有咩可以維繫你嘅婚姻呢？

Do not win an Oscar for best actress.

千奇唔好攞奧斯卡最佳女演員獎

(Laughter)

（臺下笑聲）

I'm serious.

我係認真嘅

Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford, Hallie Berry, Hillary Swank

Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford, Halle Berry, Hilary Swank,

Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon --

Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon

all of them single, soon after taking home that statue.

佢哋全部喺攞完獎之後就離婚

They actually call it the Oscar curse.

啲人稱呢個係奧斯卡詛咒

It is the marriage kiss of death and something that should be avoided.

佢係婚姻嘅終結之物

係一定要避免嘅嘢

And it's not just successfully starring in films that's dangerous.

但呢唔係淨淨係攞演藝獎先至危險

連睇齣愛情喜劇都一樣會令關係破碎

It turns out, merely watching a romantic comedy

causes relationship satisfaction to plummet.

（臺下笑聲）

(Laughter)

Apparently, the bitter realization that maybe it could happen to us,

顯然

睇齣愛情喜劇搞到關係破裂呢樣嘢 未試過喺我哋身上發生

but it obviously hasn't and it probably never will,

亦唔太可能發生

makes our lives seem unbearably grim in comparison.

但喜劇亦令我哋現實生活睇起嚟更慘

理論上

And theoretically,

I suppose if we opt for a film where someone gets brutally murdered

如果我哋反而揀一齣有謀殺案

or dies in a fiery car crash,

或者汽車爆炸死人嘅戲睇

we are more likely to walk out of that theater

我哋離開戲院嗰陣

反而覺得自己幾好呀

feeling like we've got it pretty good.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Drinking alcohol, it seems, is bad for your marriage.

飲酒睇起來會破壞婚姻

Yeah.

係啊

I can't tell you anymore about that one

飲酒我講唔到啲咩

because I stopped reading it at the headline.

因為我讀完個標題就冇再讀落去

But here's a scary one: divorce is contagious.

但係跟住落嚟就更恐怖：

離婚係會傳染嘅

That's right, when you have a close couple friend split up,

非常正確。當你嘅朋友選擇離婚

it increases your chances of getting a divorce by 75 percent.

你自己離婚嘅幾率會上升 75%

Now, I have to say, I don't get this one at all.

但我又唔太贊同呢一點

My husband and I have watched quite a few friends divide their assets

我同我老公身邊嘅好多朋友 都係離婚分家收場

然後到咗我哋咁嘅年紀

and then struggle with being our age and single

面對呢個色情聊天、偉哥 同用網上戀愛交友盛行嘅年代

in an age of sexting and Viagra and eHarmony.

好辛苦咁做返單身

And I'm thinking they've done more for my marriage

我自己興幸可以以朋友為鑒

而唔需要終身婚姻質詢

than a lifetime of therapy ever could.

So now you may be wondering: Why does anyone get married ever?

宜家你會諗，點解要結婚？

Well, the US federal government counts more than a thousand legal benefits

基本上美國政府會對已婚者

提供超過一千項福利

to being someone's spouse.

A list that includes visitation rights in jail,

包括另一半坐監時探監嘅權利

but hopefully, you'll never need that one.

——但我諗你哋唔需要呢樣啦

But beyond the profound federal perks,

除咗呢啲福利

married people make more money.

已婚夫婦嘅收入更高

We're healthier, physically and emotionally.

身體更健康

心智更開朗

We produce happier, more stable and more successful kids.

我哋可以培育更健康、更穩重 同更成功嘅下一代

We have more sex than our supposedly swinging single friends,

信唔信都好，我哋比單身嘅朋友 有更多嘅性生活

believe it or not.

我哋活得更長命

We even live longer,

which is a pretty compelling argument for marrying someone you like a lot

你亦可以用長命做理由 同你心儀嘅人講「我要同你結婚」

in the first place.

(Laughter)

Now, if you're not currently experiencing the joy of the joint tax return,

（笑聲）

宜家你可能體驗唔到 夫婦共同報稅嘅好處

I can't tell you how to find a chore-loving person

我教唔到你點揾到一個鐘意做家務

有幾乎理想嘅身材同魅力

of the approximately ideal size and attractiveness,

who prefers horror movies

又鐘意睇恐怖片

and doesn't have a lot of friends hovering on the brink of divorce,

但身邊又唔多離婚嘅朋友嘅男人或女人

但係我只係可以建議你試一試

but I can only encourage you to try,

because the benefits, as I've pointed out,

因為好處——正如我所講

對你好有影響

are significant.

重點係︰無論你已婚 或者仲喺度揾另一半

The bottom line is: whether you're in it or you're searching for it,

I believe marriage is an institution worth pursuing and protecting.

我相信婚姻係一個

值得去經營同維護嘅公司

So I hope you'll use the information I've given you today

所以我希望你哋可以善用今日學到嘅嘢

to weigh your personal strengths against your own risk factors.

用自己嘅強項嚟抗衡自己嘅風險

For instance, in my marriage, I'd say I'm doing OK.

例如，我覺得我個人嘅婚姻尚可啦

One the one hand,

喺一方面

我老公嘅身材冇得頂

I have a husband who's annoyingly lean and incredibly handsome.

仲好英俊

So I'm obviously going to need fatten him up.

所以我絕對有需要谷肥佢

And like I said, we have those divorced friends

正如我所講

我哋有離婚嘅朋友秘密 或者無意咁想拆散我哋

who may secretly or subconsciously be trying to break us up.

So we have to keep an eye on that.

所以我哋要多加留意人哋嘅一舉一動

And we do like a cocktail or two.

我哋有時仲會歎一兩杯雞尾酒

On the other hand,

喺另一方面

I have the fake happy picture thing.

我有好多假開心相

And also, my husband does a lot around the house,

我老公又會不停咁做家務

and would happily never see another romantic comedy

亦喺有生之年樂意唔睇愛情喜劇

as long as he lives.

So I've got all those things going for me.

於是我擁有美好婚姻嘅一切

But just in case,

但為咗以防萬一

I plan to work extra hard to not win an Oscar anytime soon.

我會更加努力唔攞奧斯卡獎

And for the good of your relationships,

你哋為咗自己嘅婚姻

I would encourage you to do the same.

我建議你哋都做同樣嘅事

I'll see you at the bar.

做完之後，我哋下次出嚟飲酒傾

(Laughter)

（掌聲）

(Applause)