What you don't know about marriage | Jenna McCarthy

Prevoditelj: Jelena Horvat Recezent: Katarina Smetko

Every year in the United States alone,

Svake godine samo u SAD-u

2,077,000 couples make a legal and spiritual decision

2.077.000 parova

donese pravnu i duhovnu odluku

da će ostatak života provesti zajedno...

to spend the rest of their lives together --

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

And not to have sex with anyone else.

i da se neće seksati ni s kim drugim,

nikad više.

Ever.

He buys a ring, she buys a dress.

On kupuje prsten, ona kupuje haljinu.

Idu kupovati

They go shopping for all sorts of things.

kojekakve stvari.

She takes him to Arthur Murray for ballroom-dancing lessons.

Ona ga vodi k Arthuru Murrayju

da bi naučio plesati dvoranske plesove.

And the big day comes.

I onda dolazi veliki dan.

And they'll stand before God and family

Oni će stati pred Boga i obitelj

and some guy her dad once did business with,

i nekog tipa s kojim je njen tata jednom poslovao,

and they'll vow that nothing --

i zavjetovat će se da ništa,

ni krajnje siromaštvo,

not abject poverty,

ni smrtonosna bolest,

not life-threatening illness,

not complete and utter misery --

ni potpuna i krajnja bijeda

will ever put the tiniest damper on their eternal love and devotion.

neće nimalo umanjiti

njihovu vječnu ljubav i vjernost.

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

Ovi optimistični mladi gadovi

These optimistic young bastards promise to honor and cherish each other

obećavaju da će poštovati i cijeniti jedno drugo

unatoč valungama

through hot flashes and midlife crises

i krizi srednjih godina

and a cumulative 50-pound weight gain,

i nagomilanih 20 kg viška

until that far-off day, when one of them is finally able to rest in peace.

sve do onog dalekog dana

kada će jedno od njih konačno moći

počivati u miru.

(Laughter)

You know, because they can't hear the snoring anymore.

Znate, zato što više neće morati slušati hrkanje.

And then they'll get stupid drunk

Onda će se napiti k'o deve,

and smash cake in each other's faces and do the Macarena.

bacati tortu jedno drugom u lice i otplesati Macarenu,

And we'll be there,

a mi ćemo biti tu

showering them with towels and toasters and drinking their free booze

da ih obasipamo ručnicima i tosterima,

pijemo njihovo besplatno piće

and throwing birdseed at them every single time ...

i posipamo rižom,

i tako svaki put,

even though we know, statistically,

iako znamo da će se

prema statistici,

half of them will be divorced within a decade.

pola njih razvesti tijekom sljedećeg desetljeća.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Of course, the other half won't, right?

Naravno, druga polovica neće, zar ne?

Oni će nastavljati zaboravljati godišnjice

They'll keep forgetting anniversaries

i raspravljati o tome gdje da provedu praznike

and arguing about where to spend holidays

and debating --

i o tome u kojem smjeru

(Laughter)

Which way the toilet paper should come off of the roll.

bi se toaletni papir

trebao skidati s role.

A neki od njih

And some of them will even still be enjoying each other's company

i dalje će uživati u društvu partnera

when neither of them can chew solid food anymore.

čak i kada nijedno od njih ne bude moglo žvakati čvrstu hranu.

Istraživači žele znati zašto.

And researchers want to know why.

I mean, look -- it doesn't take a double-blind, placebo-controlled study

Mislim, pogledajte, nije potrebno dvostruko slijepo placebo istraživanje

da bismo zaključili zbog čega brak ne funkcionira.

to figure out what makes a marriage not work:

disrespect, boredom,

Nepoštovanje, dosada,

previše vremena provedenog na Facebooku,

too much time on Facebook,

having sex with other people.

seks s drugim ljudima.

But you can have the exact opposite of all of those things --

Ali možete imati potpunu suprotnost toga --

respect, excitement,

poštovanje, uzbuđenje,

a broken Internet connection,

lošu internetsku vezu,

mind-numbing monogamy --

zatupljujuću monogamiju --

and the thing still can go to hell in a handbasket.

i sve opet može krenuti ukrivo.

So, what's going on when it doesn't?

Dakle, što se događa kad se to ne dogodi?

Što imaju zajedničko ljudi koji stignu

What do the folks who make it all the way to side-by-side burial plots

do toga da leže

jedno pored drugog u zemlji?

have in common?

Što to oni rade kako treba?

What are they doing right?

What can we learn from them?

Što možemo naučiti od njih?

And if you're still happily sleeping solo,

I ako ste i dalje sretni što spavate sami,

why should you stop what you're doing and make it your life's work

zašto biste trebali prestati s tim

i posvetiti svoj život

to find that one special person

traženju te jedne posebne osobe

that you can annoy for the rest of your life?

koju možete nervirati do kraja života?

Well, researchers spend billions of your tax dollars

Istraživači su potrošili milijarde vaših poreznih dolara

pokušavajući to odgonetnuti.

trying to figure that out.

They stalk blissful couples

Oni uhode sretne parove

and study their every move and mannerism.

i proučavaju svaki njihov pokret i ponašanje.

I pokušavaju točno utvrditi

And they try to pinpoint what it is that sets them apart

po čemu se oni razlikuju

from their miserable neighbors and friends.

od svojih očajnih susjeda i prijatelja.

Ispostavilo se

And it turns out, the success stories share a few similarities,

da uspješne priče

zapravo imaju neke sličnosti,

osim onoga da se ne seksaju s drugim ljudima.

beyond that they don't have sex with other people.

Na primjer, u najsretnijim brakovima

For instance, in the happiest marriages,

žena je mršavija i izgleda bolje od muža.

the wife is thinner and better-looking

than the husband.

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

Obvious. Right?

Očigledno, zar ne?

It's obvious that this leads to marital bliss,

Očigledno je da ovo dovodi do blagostanja u braku

jer mi žene vodimo dosta računa

because women -- we care a great deal about being thin and good-looking,

o svojoj kilaži i izgledu,

whereas men mostly care about sex,

dok muškarce najviše zanima seks,

u idealnom slučaju, sa ženama

ideally, with women who are thinner and better looking than they are.

koje su mršavije i izgledaju bolje od njih.

Međutim, ljepota ovog istraživanja

The beauty of this research, though,

jest to što nitko ne kaže

is that no one is suggesting that women have to be thin to be happy.

da žene moraju biti mršave da bi bile sretne;

samo trebamo biti mršavije od svojih partnera.

We just have to be thinner than our partners.

So instead of all that laborious dieting and exercising,

Tako da umjesto svih onih

napornih dijeta i vježbi

samo trebamo čekati da se oni udebljaju

we just need to wait for them to get fat --

(Laughter)

i možda ispeći pokoju pitu.

Maybe bake a few pies.

This is good information to have, and it's not that complicated.

To je dobro znati,

a i nije baš komplicirano.

(Laughter)

Research also suggests

Istraživanja također pokazuju

that the happiest couples are the ones that focus on the positives.

da su najsretniji parovi

oni koji se fokusiraju na pozitivnost.

Na primjer, sretna žena.

For example: the happy wife.

Umjesto da ističe sve veći suprugov trbuh

Instead of pointing out her husband's growing gut

or suggesting he go for a run,

ili da mu predlaže da ode na trčanje,

može reći:

she might say,

"Wow, honey, thank you for going out of your way

"Ajme, dušo, hvala ti što se trudiš

to make me relatively thinner."

da ja izgledam relativno mršavije."

(Laughter)

These are couples who can find good in any situation.

Ima parova koji mogu pronaći dobro u svakoj situaciji.

"Da, bilo je užasno

"Yeah, it was devastating when we lost everything in that fire.

kad smo u požaru izgubili sve,

ali nekako je lijepo spavati ovdje pod zvijezdama,

But it's kind of nice sleeping out here under the stars.

i super je to što imaš sve to salo

And it's a good thing you've got all that body fat to keep us warm."

da nas ugrije."

(Laughter)

Jedno od mojih omiljenih istraživanja pokazalo je

One of my favorite studies found

that the more willing a husband is to do housework,

da što je suprug spremniji raditi kućanske poslove,

the more attractive his wife will find him.

to će ženi biti privlačniji.

Baš nam je potrebna studija da nam to kaže.

Because we needed a study to tell us this.

(Laughter)

But here's what's going on here.

Ali evo što se tu događa.

The more attractive she finds him, the more sex they have;

Što joj je privlačniji, to se više seksaju;

the more sex they have, the nicer he is to her;

što je više seksa, to je on ljubazniji prema njoj;

što je on ljubazniji prema njoj,

the nicer he is to her,

the less she nags him about leaving wet towels on the bed,

to ona manje gunđa zbog ostavljanja mokrih ručnika na krevetu,

and ultimately, they live happily ever after.

i u konačnici oni žive sretno do kraja života.

In other words, men, you might want to pick it up a notch

Drugim riječima, muškarci, mogli biste se malo uključiti

u kućanske poslove.

in the domestic department.

Here's an interesting one.

Evo nečeg zanimljivog.

One study found that people who smile in childhood photographs

Jedno istraživanje pokazalo je

da se ljudi koji se smiju na fotografijama iz djetinjstva

are less likely to get a divorce.

rjeđe razvode.

Ovo je pravo istraživanje,

This is an actual study, and let me clarify:

sad ću vam objasniti.

the researchers were not looking at documented self-reports

Istraživači nisu tražili

dokumentirana izvješća o sretnom djetinjstvu

of childhood happiness,

ni proučavali stare dnevnike.

or even studying old journals.

Podaci su potpuno formirani na osnovi toga

The data were based entirely on whether people looked happy

jesu li ti ljudi djelovali sretno

in these early pictures.

na tim ranim fotografijama.

Ne znam koliko imate godina,

Now, I don't know how old all of you are, but when I was a kid,

ali kad sam ja bila dijete,

your parents took pictures with a special kind of camera

roditelji su fotografirali specijalnim aparatom

u kojem se nalazilo nešto što se zove film,

that held something called "film."

i tako mi Boga, film je bio skup.

And, by God, film was expensive.

They didn't take 300 shots of you in that rapid-fire digital video mode

Nismo mogli napraviti 300 fotografija

digitalnim aparatom

and then pick out the nicest, smiliest one for the Christmas card.

pa da onda izabrati najljepšu, s najvećim osmjehom,

za božićnu čestitku.

Ne, ne.

Oh, no.

Obukli bi vas, poredali,

They dressed you up, they lined you up,

a vi biste se smijali u jebeni aparat kao što su vam rekli

and you smiled for the fucking camera like they told you to

ili biste se mogli pozdraviti s rođendanskom zabavom.

or you could kiss your birthday party goodbye.

Ali ipak, imam gomilu

But still, I have a huge pile of fake happy childhood pictures

lažno-sretnih slika iz djetinjstva,

and I'm glad they make me less likely than some people to get a divorce.

i drago mi je što su mi, po njima, manje šanse

da se razvedem nego nekim drugim ljudima.

So, what else can you do to safeguard your marriage?

Dakle, što još možete učiniti

da biste zaštitili svoj brak?

Do not win an Oscar for best actress.

Nemojte osvojiti Oscar za najbolju glumicu.

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

I'm serious.

Ozbiljno vam kažem.

Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford, Halle Berry, Hilary Swank,

Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Halle Berry, Hillary Swank,

Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon,

Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon --

sve su one ostale same

all of them single, soon after taking home that statue.

ubrzo nakon što su kući donijele kipić.

They actually call it the Oscar curse.

Zapravo to zovu prokletstvo Oscara.

To je poljubac smrti za brak

It is the marriage kiss of death and something that should be avoided.

i nešto što bi trebalo izbjegavati.

And it's not just successfully starring in films that's dangerous.

I nije to što su uspješno odglumile

uloge u filmovima ono što je opasno.

Pokazalo se da i samo gledanje romantične komedije

It turns out, merely watching a romantic comedy

causes relationship satisfaction to plummet.

dovodi do drastičnog pada zadovoljstva u vezi.

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

Apparently, the bitter realization that maybe it could happen to us,

Očigledno, ogorčeno shvaćanje

da bi se to možda moglo nama dogoditi,

but it obviously hasn't and it probably never will,

ali se očigledno nije i vjerojatno ni neće,

dovodi do toga da nam se životi u usporedbi s njihovim

makes our lives seem unbearably grim in comparison.

doimaju nepodnošljivo tmurno.

I u teoriji

And theoretically,

I suppose if we opt for a film where someone gets brutally murdered

pretpostavljam da, ako izaberemo film u kojem je netko brutalno ubijen

or dies in a fiery car crash,

ili pogiba u vatrenoj prometnoj nesreći,

veće su šanse da kad iziđemo iz kina,

we are more likely to walk out of that theater

feeling like we've got it pretty good.

osjećamo da je to što imamo prilično dobro.

(Laughter)

Konzumiranje alkohola, čini se,

Drinking alcohol, it seems, is bad for your marriage.

loše je za brak.

Da.

Yeah.

Ne mogu vam reći mnogo o ovom istraživanju

I can't tell you anymore about that one

jer sam ga nakon naslova prestala čitati.

because I stopped reading it at the headline.

Ali evo jednog zastrašujućeg:

But here's a scary one: divorce is contagious.

razvod je zarazan.

That's right, when you have a close couple friend split up,

Tako je -- kada se vama blizak par razvede,

it increases your chances of getting a divorce by 75 percent.

šanse da se i vi razvedete povećavaju se

za 75%.

Moram priznati da ovo uopće ne razumijem.

Now, I have to say, I don't get this one at all.

Moj suprug i ja

My husband and I have watched quite a few friends divide their assets

promatrali smo kako dosta naših prijatelja dijeli svoju imovinu,

a onda se muče

and then struggle with being our age and single

da u našim godinama budu sami

in an age of sexting and Viagra and eHarmony.

u eri seksualnog dopisivanja i Viagre

i internetskih stranica za traženje partnera.

Mislim da su oni za moj brak učinili mnogo više

And I'm thinking they've done more for my marriage

nego što bi to mogla doživotna terapija.

than a lifetime of therapy ever could.

Sad se možda pitate zašto,

So now you may be wondering: Why does anyone get married ever?

zašto itko ikada stupa u brak?

Well, the US federal government counts more than a thousand legal benefits

Pa, savezna vlada SAD-a

nabraja više od tisuću pravnih povlastica

to being someone's spouse.

koje dobivate kad stupite s nekim u brak --

A list that includes visitation rights in jail,

popis koji uključuje pravo na posjete u zatvoru,

but hopefully, you'll never need that one.

ali nadajmo se da vam to neće trebati.

But beyond the profound federal perks,

Ali, osim nevjerojatnih federalnih privilegija,

vjenčani ljudi zarađuju više novca.

married people make more money.

Mi smo zdraviji,

We're healthier, physically and emotionally.

fizički i emotivno.

We produce happier, more stable and more successful kids.

Mi radimo sretniju, stabilniju

i uspješniju djecu.

Više se seksamo

We have more sex than our supposedly swinging single friends,

od naših navodno raskalašenih prijatelja samaca --

vjerovali ili ne.

believe it or not.

Mi čak i živimo duže,

We even live longer,

which is a pretty compelling argument for marrying someone you like a lot

što je prilično privlačan argument

za vjenčanje s nekim tko vam se prvenstveno

doista sviđa.

in the first place.

(Laughter)

Now, if you're not currently experiencing the joy of the joint tax return,

Ako trenutačno ne proživljavate

radost zajedničkog povrata poreza,

I can't tell you how to find a chore-loving person

ne mogu vam reći kako da nađete osobu koja voli kućanske poslove

u približno idealnoj veličini i nivou privlačnosti,

of the approximately ideal size and attractiveness,

who prefers horror movies

koja više voli horor-filmove i nema mnogo prijatelja

and doesn't have a lot of friends hovering on the brink of divorce,

koji lebde na rubu razvoda,

ali mogu vas ohrabriti da pokušate

but I can only encourage you to try,

because the benefits, as I've pointed out,

jer su koristi, kao što sam predočila,

značajne.

are significant.

Ključna stvar je, bilo da ste u braku ili još u potrazi,

The bottom line is: whether you're in it or you're searching for it,

da vjerujem da je brak institucija

I believe marriage is an institution worth pursuing and protecting.

kojoj je vrijedno stremiti i koju je vrijedno zaštititi.

So I hope you'll use the information I've given you today

Nadam se da ćete informacije koje sam vam danas dala

iskoristiti kako biste izmjerili vlastitu snagu

to weigh your personal strengths against your own risk factors.

u odnosu na osobne faktore rizika.

For instance, in my marriage, I'd say I'm doing OK.

Na primjer, moj brak,

rekla bih da mi dobro ide.

U jednu ruku,

One the one hand,

imam muža koji je iritantno vitak

I have a husband who's annoyingly lean and incredibly handsome.

i nevjerojatno zgodan.

So I'm obviously going to need fatten him up.

Dakle, očito je da ću ga morati udebljati.

And like I said, we have those divorced friends

I kao što sam rekla, imamo te razvedene prijatelje

koji nas možda tajno ili podsvjesno

who may secretly or subconsciously be trying to break us up.

pokušavaju razdvojiti.

So we have to keep an eye on that.

Morat ću obratiti pozornost na to.

Volimo piti koktele.

And we do like a cocktail or two.

U drugu ruku,

On the other hand,

I have the fake happy picture thing.

imam lažno-sretne slike.

And also, my husband does a lot around the house,

Moj muž također radi dosta toga po kući,

i rado ne bi odgledao više

and would happily never see another romantic comedy

nijednu romantičnu komediju do kraja života.

as long as he lives.

Te mi stvari idu u korist.

So I've got all those things going for me.

But just in case,

Ali za svaki slučaj

I plan to work extra hard to not win an Oscar anytime soon.

planiram se dodatno potruditi

da ne osvojim Oscar u skorijoj budućnosti.

And for the good of your relationships,

A za dobrobit vaših veza

I would encourage you to do the same.

preporučujem vam da učinite isto.

Vidimo se na šanku.

I'll see you at the bar.

(Pljesak)

(Laughter)

(Applause)