The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Esther Perel | TED

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Prevodilac: Romeo Mlinar Lektor: Aniko Kovac

Zašto dobar seks tako često izbledi,

So, why does good sex so often fade,

čak i kod parova koji se vole kao i ranije?

even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever?

And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex,

I zašto dobra intima ne garantuje dobar seks,

contrary to popular belief?

kako se često pogrešno veruje?

Or, the next question would be,

Potom se možemo zapitati,

can we want what we already have?

možemo li da želimo ono što već imamo?

That's the million-dollar question, right?

To je pitanje zlata vredno, zar ne?

And why is the forbidden so erotic?

I zašto je zabranjeno tako erotično?

What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent?

Zbog čega prestupi toliko pojačavaju žudnju?

And why does sex make babies,

I zašto od seksa nastaju bebe,

and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?

a bebe izazivaju erotsku katastrofu kod parova?

(Laughter)

It's kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn't it?

Kao neki fatalni erotski udarac, zar ne?

And when you love, how does it feel?

A kada volite, kakav je to osećaj?

And when you desire, how is it different?

A kada žudite, koliko je to drugačije?

These are some of the questions

To su neka od pitanja

that are at the center of my exploration on the nature of erotic desire

u središtu mog istraživanja

o prirodi erotske žudnje

and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love.

i dilemama u vezi sa time u savremenoj ljubavi.

So I travel the globe,

Putujem svetom

and what I'm noticing is that everywhere where romanticism has entered,

i primećujem da

tamo gde je stupila romantika

there seems to be a crisis of desire.

izgleda da postoji kriza žudnje.

A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting --

Kriza žudnje, u smislu posedovanja onoga što želimo -

desire as an expression of our individuality,

žudnje kao izraza individualnosti,

of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity --

našeg slobodnog izbora, našeg identiteta -

desire that has become a central concept

žudnje koja je postala središnji koncept

as part of modern love and individualistic societies.

kao deo savremene ljubavi i individualističkih društava.

You know, this is the first time in the history of humankind

Znate, ovo je prvi put u istoriji čovečanstva

where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term

da pokušavamo da dugoročno doživimo seksualnost,

ne zato što želimo četrnaestoro dece,

not because we want 14 children,

for which we need to have even more because many of them won't make it,

a treba nam ih još, jer mnoga neće preživeti

and not because it is exclusively a woman's marital duty.

i ne zato što je to isključivo bračna dužnost žene.

This is the first time that we want sex over time

Prvi put želimo seks na duže

zbog zadovoljstva i povezanosti čiji je koren u žudnji.

about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire.

So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult?

Šta, dakle, održava žudnju i zašto je to tako teško?

And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship,

Mislim da je u srcu održanja žudnje u posvećenoj vezi

I think, is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs.

pomirenje dve osnovne ljudske potrebe.

On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability,

Sa jedne strane, tu je potreba za sigurnošću, predvidljivošću,

for safety, for dependability,

za bezbednošću, za oslanjanjem na druge, za pouzdanošću, stalnošću -

for reliability, for permanence.

All these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives

za svim tim osnovnim, temeljnim iskustvima u našim životima,

that we call home.

koje nazivamo domom.

But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women --

Ali imamo i podjednako jaku potrebu - i žene i muškarci -

for adventure, for novelty,

za avanturom, novinom, misterijom, za rizikom, za opasnošću,

for mystery, for risk, for danger,

for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise --

za nepoznatim, neočekivanim, iznenađujućim,

you get the gist.

shvatili ste - za putovanjem, za kretanjem.

For journey, for travel.

So reconciling our need for security and our need for adventure

Pomiriti našu potrebu za sigurnošću

i potrebu za avanturom u jednoj vezi,

into one relationship,

or what we today like to call a passionate marriage,

ili kako to danas zovemo, u "strastvenom braku",

used to be a contradiction in terms.

nekada se od same definicije činilo protivurečnim.

Marriage was an economic institution

Brak je bio ekonomska institucija

u kojoj vam je dato doživotno partnerstvo

in which you were given a partnership for life

in terms of children and social status

u vidu dece i društvenog položaja,

and succession and companionship.

nasledstva i sadrugarstva.

Ali sada od partnera tražimo sve ovo,

But now we want our partner to still give us all these things,

but in addition I want you to be my best friend

ali još hoću i da mi budeš najbolji prijatelj

and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot,

i verni pouzdanik i strastveni ljubavnik

and we live twice as long.

i uz sve to, mi živimo duplo duže.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Prilazimo jednoj osobi i tražimo

So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them

to give us what once an entire village used to provide.

da nam obezbedi ono što je nekad davalo čitavo selo:

Give me belonging, give me identity,

daj mi pripadnost, daj mi identitet, daj mi stalnost,

give me continuity,

but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one.

ali mi daj i uzvišenost i misteriju i začudnost nad životom,

Give me comfort, give me edge.

Daj mi utehu, daj mi uzbuđenje.

Give me novelty, give me familiarity.

Daj mi novinu, daj mi poznato.

Give me predictability, give me surprise.

Daj mi predvidljivost, daj mi iznenađenje.

And we think it's a given,

I svi mislimo da je to dato, da će nas igračke i veš spasiti.

and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.

(Laughter)

(Aplauz)

(Applause)

Sad dolazimo do egzistencijalne stvarnosti priče, zar ne?

So now we get to the existential reality of the story, right?

Because I think, in some way --

Jer nekako mislim - i vratiću se na to -

and I'll come back to that --

but the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination.

da je kriza žudnje često kriza mašte.

So why does good sex so often fade?

Dakle, zašto dobar seks tako često izbledi?

What is the relationship between love and desire?

Kakva je veza između ljubavi i žudnje?

How do they relate, and how do they conflict?

U kakvom su odnosu i kako se sukobljavaju?

U tome je tajna erotičnosti.

Because therein lies the mystery of eroticism.

So if there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it's "to have."

Ako postoji glagol koji ide uz ljubav, onda je to za mene "imati".

And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is "to want."

Ako postoji glagol koji ide uz žudnju, onda je to "želeti".

In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved.

U ljubavi želimo da imamo, želimo da znamo voljenu osobu.

We want to minimize the distance.

Zelimo da smanjimo razdaljinu. Želimo da sažmemo taj jaz.

We want to contract that gap.

We want to neutralize the tensions.

Želimo da uklonimo napetost. Želimo bliskost.

We want closeness.

Ali u žudnji uglavnom ne želimo da se vraćamo na mesta gde smo već bili.

But in desire,

we tend to not really want to go back to the places we've already gone.

Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest.

Minula iskustva nam ne drže pažnju.

In desire, we want an Other,

U žudnji želimo Drugog, nekog da posećujemo sa druge strane,

somebody on the other side that we can go visit,

sa kim možemo provesti neko vreme,

that we can go spend some time with,

that we can go see what goes on in their red-light district.

u čiju ulicu crvenih fenjera možemo da svratimo da vidimo čega ima.

You know?

U žudnji želimo most koji treba da pređemo.

In desire, we want a bridge to cross.

Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air.

Odnosno, kako to nekad kažem, vatri je potreban vazduh.

Desire needs space.

Žudnji je potreban prostor.

And when it's said like that, it's often quite abstract.

Kad se to ovako sroči često zvuči veoma apstraktno.

But then I took a question with me.

Ali onda sam to pitanje poslednjih godina

And I've gone to more than 20 countries in the last few years

postavila u preko 20 zemalja

pišući "Sparivanje u zatočeništvu" i pitala ljude:

with "Mating in Captivity," and I asked people,

when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?

"U kojim situacijama vas partner najviše privlači?"

Not attracted sexually, per Se, but most drawn.

Ne nužno seksualno, već najviše privlači.

And across culture, across religion, and across gender -- except for one --

U različitim kulturama, različitim religijama i kod različitih polova -

osim jedne stvari - nekoliko je odgovora koji se stalno ponavljaju.

there are a few answers that just keep coming back.

U prvoj gupi su: "partner me najviše privlači

So the first group is:

I am most drawn to my partner when she is away,

kada je odsutan, kad smo razdvojeni, kad se opet sastanemo."

when we are apart, when we reunite.

Basically, when I get back in touch

U suštini, kada se pokrene

with my ability to imagine myself with my partner,

moja sposobnost da zamislim sebe pored partnera,

when my imagination comes back in the picture,

kada moja mašta opet postane deo slike

and when I can root it in absence and in longing,

i kada je mogu zasnovati na odsustvu i čežnji,

which is a major component of desire.

bitnim delovima žudnje.

But then the second group is even more interesting.

Druga grupa je još interesantnija:

I am most drawn to my partner

"partner me najviše privlači

when I see him in the studio,

kad ga vidim u ateljeu, kad je ona na pozornici,

when she is onstage,

when he is in his element,

kad je on u svom elementu, kad ona nešto radi sa strašću,

when she's doing something she's passionate about,

when I see him at a party and other people are really drawn to him,

kad ga vidim na zabavi i ostali ga primećuju,

when I see her hold court.

kad je vidim da privlači pažnju."

Basically, when I look at my partner radiant and confident.

Kad vidim partnera ozarenog i samopouzdanog,

Probably the biggest turn-on across the board.

to je verovatno stvar koja najviše može da me uzbudi.

Radiant, as in self-sustaining.

Kada zrači, jer je samodovoljan.

I look at this person -- by the way, in desire

Gledam ovu osobu - uzgred, žudnja nam nije

people rarely talk about it, when we are blended into one,

na vidiku kad smo sjedinjeni u jedno,

udaljeni na pet centimetara. Ne znam koliko je to u inčima.

five centimeters from each other.

I don't know in inches how much that is.

But it's also not when the other person is that far apart

Žudnja nije na vidiku ni kad su ljudi razvojeni

that you no longer see them.

toliko da se više ni ne vide.

Žudnja je kad posmatram partnera sa prijatne razdaljine,

It's when I'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance,

where this person that is already so familiar, so known,

kada ta osoba toliko poznata, kad toliko znate o njoj,

is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive.

u tom trenutku opet postane nešto misteriozno, neuhvatljivo.

And in this space between me and the other lies the erotic élan,

U tom prostoru između mene i drugoga krije se erotski naboj,

lies that movement toward the other.

nalazi se kretnja ka drugome.

Because sometimes, as Proust says,

Jer nekada, kao što kaže Prust,

mystery is not about traveling to new places,

misterija nije u putovanju na nova mesta,

but it's about looking with new eyes.

već u posmatranju novim očima.

And so, when I see my partner on his own or her own,

Stoga, kad vidim partnera samog ili samu,

doing something in which they are enveloped,

kako su zaokupljeni nečim,

I look at this person and I momentarily get a shift in perception,

gledam tu osobu i trenutno doživim izmenu percepcije

and I stay open to the mysteries that are living right next to me.

i spremna sam na misterije koje žive tik do mene.

And then, more importantly, in this description about the other

I još važnije, u tom opisu drugoga

ili sebe - isto je - najzanimljivije je

or myself -- it's the same --

what is most interesting is that there is no neediness in desire.

da u žudnji nema potrebe.

Nobody needs anybody.

Niko nikom ne treba.

There is no caretaking in desire.

U žudnji nema preuzimanja brige.

Caretaking is mightily loving.

Preuzimane brige znači veliku ljubav. To je moćan anti-afrodizijak.

It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.

(Laughter)

I have yet to see somebody who is so turned on

Da mi je videti kako nekog uzbuđuje osoba

by somebody who needs them.

kojoj je ona potrebna.

Wanting them is one thing.

Želja je jedno. Potreba je hladan tuš

Needing them is a shot down

and women have known that forever,

i žene su to oduvek znale,

jer sve što podseća na roditeljstvo

because anything that will bring up parenthood

will usually decrease the erotic charge.

obično suzbija erotski naboj.

(Laughter)

For good reasons, right?

Nije bez razloga, zar ne?

And then the third group of answers usually would be:

U trećoj grupi odgovora občno su:

when I'm surprised, when we laugh together,

"kad sam iznenađen, kad se smejemo zajedno,"

as somebody said to me in the office today,

ili kao što mi rekoše u kancelariji,

when he's in his tux, so I said, you know,

"kad je u odelu", a ja sam dodala:

"Znate ili je u pitanju smoking ili kaubojske čizme."

it's either the tux or the cowboy boots.

U osnovi se radi o postojanju novine.

But basically it's when there is novelty.

But novelty isn't about new positions.

Ali novina nisu nove poze. Nije u pitanju repertoar tehnika.

It isn't a repertoire of techniques.

Novina se svodi na pitanje "Koji deo sebe ispoljavate?"

Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out?

What parts of you are just being seen?

"Koji deo vas drugi upravo vide?"

Because in some way one could say sex isn't something you do, eh?

Jer, može se reći

da seks nije nešto što se radi, zar ne?

Sex is a place you go.

Seks je mesto koje posećujete. Prostor u koji ulazite

It's a space you enter

inside yourself and with another, or others.

unutar sebe i sa nekim drugim, ili drugima.

Dakle, gde vi idete u seksu?

So where do you go in sex?

What parts of you do you connect to?

Sa kojim delovima sebe se povezujete?

What do you seek to express there?

Šta tamo želite da iskažete?

Da li je to mesto za uzvišenost i duhovno jedinstvo?

Is it a place for transcendence and spiritual union?

Is it a place for naughtiness and is it a place to be safely aggressive?

Mesto za nestašluk ili bezbednu agresivnost?

Is it a place where you can finally surrender

Mesto gde se konačno možete predati

and not have to take responsibility for everything?

bez potrebe da budete odgovorni za sve?

Mesto gde iskazujete detinje želje?

Is it a place where you can express your infantile wishes?

Šta proizlazi odatle? To je jedan jezik.

What comes out there? It's a language.

It isn't just a behavior.

Ne samo ponašanje.

And it's the poetic of that language that I'm interested in,

Mene zanima upravo poetika tog jezika

which is why I began to explore this concept of erotic intelligence.

i zato sam počela da istražujem koncept erotske inteligencije.

You know, animals have sex.

Znate, životinje imaju seks.

It's the pivot, it's biology, it's the natural instinct.

To je osnova, biologija, prirodni instinkt.

We are the only ones who have an erotic life,

Mi jedini imamo erotski život,

which means that it's sexuality transformed by the human imagination.

život koji je seksualno preobražen ljudskom maštom.

We are the only ones who can make love for hours,

Mi smo jedini koji možemo da vodimo ljubav satima,

have a blissful time, multiple orgasms,

da božanstveno provedemo vreme, imamo višestruke orgazme,

and touch nobody, just because we can imagine it.

a da nikoga ne dodirnemo, već samo putem mašte.

We can hint at it. We don't even have to do it.

Možemo to samo nagovestiti. Čak ne moramo ni da to da uradimo.

We can experience that powerful thing called anticipation,

Možemo doživeti tu moćnu stvar zvanu iščekivanje,

which is a mortar to desire.

koje je vezivno tkivo žudnje,

The ability to imagine it, as if it's happening,

sposobnost da zamišljamo, kao da se to dešava,

iskusimo to kao da se dešava, iako se ništa ne dešava,

to experience it as if it's happening,

while nothing is happening

and everything is happening, at the same time.

a istovremeno se sve dešava.

So when I began to think about eroticism,

Kada sam počela da razmišljam o erotičnosti,

I began to think about the poetics of sex.

počela sam da razmišljam o poetici seksa

And if I look at it as an intelligence,

i ako je posmatram kao inteligenciju,

then it's something that you cultivate.

onda je ona nešto što razvijamo.

What are the ingredients?

Od čega se ona sastoji? Od mašte, razigranosti,

Imagination, playfulness,

novelty, curiosity, mystery.

novine, znatiželje, misterije.

Ali, glavni sastojak je upravo mašta.

But the central agent is really that piece called the imagination.

But more importantly, for me to begin to understand

Da bih otkrila

who are the couples who have an erotic spark,

ko su parovi sa erotskom iskrom,

what sustains desire,

šta održava žudnju, morala sam da se vratim

I had to go back to the original definition of eroticism,

početnoj definiciji erotičnosti,

the mystical definition,

mističnoj definiciji i istražila sam je

and I went through it through a bifurcation

posmatrajući grupe ljudi koji su preživeli traumu,

by looking, actually, at trauma,

which is the other side.

koja je druga krajnost, i posmatrala sam

And I looked at it,

looking at the community that I had grown up in,

zajednicu u kojoj sam odrasla,

which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors,

koja je zajednica ljudi koji su preživeli holokaust u Belgiji

i gde su postojale dve grupe:

and in my community, there were two groups:

those who didn't die, and those who came back to life.

oni koji nisu umrli i oni koji su se vratili u život.

And those who didn't die lived often very tethered to the ground,

A oni koji nisu umrli često su živeli skoro prikovani za tlo

could not experience pleasure, could not trust,

i nisu mogli da iskuse zadovoljsvo, nisu imali poverenja,

because when you're vigilant, worried, anxious, and insecure,

jer kada ste na oprezu, zabrinuti, nervozni

i nesigurni, ne možete da podignete glavu

you can't lift your head to go and take off in space

i otisnete se u prostor, budete razigrani, bezbedni i maštoviti.

and be playful and safe and imaginative.

Those who came back to life

Oni koji su se vratili u život bili su oni

were those who understood the erotic as an antidote to death.

koji su erotiku shvatali kao potivotrov za smrt.

They knew how to keep themselves alive.

Znali su kako da ostanu živi.

And when I began to listen

U razgovoru o odsustvu seksa sa parovima sa kojima radim,

to the sexlessness of the couples that I work with,

I sometimes would hear people say, "I want more sex,"

ponekad bih čula rečenicu: "Hoću više seksa",

ali ljudi uopšteno žele bolji seks,

but generally, people want better sex,

and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness,

a "bolje" znači nanovo se povezati sa tim svojstvom životnosti,

of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality,

energičnosti, oživljenosti, vitalnosti, erosa, energije,

of Eros, of energy

that sex used to afford them,

koje im je seks nekad pružao, ili za koje su se nadali

or that they've hoped it would afford them.

da će im pružiti.

And so I began to ask a different question.

Stoga sam počela da postavljam jedno drugo pitanje.

Pitanje se počinjalo sa "Gasim se kad ... "

"I shut myself off when ..." began to be the question.

"I turn off my desires when ..."

"Moja žudnja nestaje kad ...", što nije isto pitanje kao

Which is not the same question as,

"Odbija me kad..." ili "Odbijaš me kad ..."

"What turns me off is ..." and "You turn me off when ..."

I ljudi su ppočeli da odgovaraju: "Gasim se kada

And people began to say, "I turn myself off when

I feel dead inside, when I don't like my body,

se osećam mrtvo iznutra, kad ne volim svoje telo,

kad se osećam staro, kad nemam vremena za sebe,

when I feel old,

when I haven't had time for myself,

when I haven't had a chance to even check in with you,

kad čak nemam ni priliku da komuniciram sa tobom,

when I don't perform well at work,

kada mi posao ide loše,

when I feel low self esteem,

kada mi je samopouzdanje nisko, kada se osećam kao da ne vredim,

when I don't have a sense of self-worth,

kad ne osećam da imam pravo da želim, da uzimam,

when I don't feel like I have a right to want, to take,

to receive pleasure."

da primam zadovoljstvo."

And then I began to ask the reverse question.

Onda sam obrnula pitanje.

"I turn myself on when ..."

"Uzbudim se kada ..." Pošto ljudi uglavnom

Because most of the time, people like to ask the question,

vole da se govore: "Ti me uzbuđuješ,

"You turn me on, what turns me on,"

šta me uzbuđuje", a "ja" je tada van jednačine. Razumete?

and I'm out of the question, you know?

Now, if you are dead inside,

Ako ste mrtvi iznutra, ogromna pažnja druge osobe za Dan zaljubljenih

the other person can do a lot of things for Valentine's.

It won't make a dent. There is nobody at the reception desk.

neće vam nimalo značiti. Nema nikog kod kuće.

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

So I turn myself on when,

Dakle: "Uzbuđujem se kada

I turn on my desires, I wake up when ...

se pokrenu moje žudnje" "Probudim se kada ..."

Now, in this paradox between love and desire,

U ovom paradoksu između ljubavi i žudnje,

what seems to be so puzzling

čini se da najviše zbunjuje to što isti oni sastojci

is that the very ingredients that nurture love --

koji hrane ljubav - zajedništvo, uzajamnost,

mutuality, reciprocity,

protection, worry, responsibility for the other --

zaštita, briga, odgovornost za drugoga -

are sometimes the very ingredients that stifle desire.

baš ti sastojci nekada guše žudnju.

Because desire comes with a host of feelings

Jer žudnja dolazi uz pregršt osećanja

that are not always such favorites of love:

koje ljubav ne voli baš uvek:

jealousy, possessiveness,

ljubomora, posesivnost, agresija, moć, dominacija,

aggression, power, dominance,

nevaljalost, vragolanstvo.

naughtiness, mischief.

Basically most of us will get turned on at night by the very same things

Većinu nas noću uzbuđuje

upravo ono prema čemu pokazujemo otpor danju.

that we will demonstrate against during the day.

You know, the erotic mind is not very politically correct.

Erotski um nije baš politički ispravan.

If everybody was fantasizing on a bed of roses,

Da svi fantaziraju na postelji posutoj ružama,

we wouldn't be having such interesting talks about this.

ne bismo o tome imali ovako zanimljive razgovore.

(Laughter)

But no, in our mind up there are a host of things going on

Ali ne, gore u našoj glavi,

odvija se toliko toga što ne znamo uvek

that we don't always know how to bring to the person that we love,

kako da pokažemo osobi koju volimo,

because we think love comes with selflessness

jer mislimo da uz ljubav ide nesebičnost,

and in fact desire comes with a certain amount of selfishness

dok zapravo uz žudnju dolazi jedna doza sebičnosti,

in the best sense of the word:

u najboljem smislu reči:

the ability to stay connected to one's self in the presence of another.

to je sposobnost da ostanemo povezani sa sobom

u prisustvu drugog.

So I want to draw that little image for you,

Želim nešto da vam dočaram,

because this need to reconcile these two sets of needs,

jer ova potreba za pomirenjem dveju grupa potreba,

we are born with that.

to je nešto sa čime se rađamo.

Our need for connection, our need for separateness,

Tu je potreba za povezivanjem, potreba za odvojenošću

or our need for security and adventure,

ili naša potreba za sigurnošću i avanturom

or our need for togetherness and for autonomy,

ili potreba za zajedništvom i samostalnošću.

Zamislite malo dete koje vam sedi u krilu,

and if you think about the little kid who sits on your lap

oseća se sigurno i prijatno kao u udobnom gnezdu.

and who is cozily nested here and very secure and comfortable,

and at some point all of us need to go out into the world

U nekom trenutku svi imamo potrebu da odemo u svet,

to discover and to explore.

da otkrivamo i istražujemo.

That's the beginning of desire,

To je začetak žudnje.

that exploratory need, curiosity, discovery.

Tom istraživačkom duhu potrebna je znatiželja, otkriće.

Kad se dete osvrne i pogleda vas

And then at some point they turn around and they look at you.

i ako mu tad kažete:

And if you tell them,

"Hey kiddo, the world's a great place.

"Hej, dete, svet je divno mesto. Samo napred.

Go for it. There's so much fun out there,"

Postoji toliko zabavnih stvari."

then they can turn away and they can experience

Tada ono može da ode i istovremeno doživi

connection and separateness at the same time.

povezanost i odvojenost.

They can go off in their imagination, off in their body,

Može se prepustiti mašti, svom telu,

off in their playfulness,

svojoj razigranosti, znajući celo vreme

all the while knowing that there's somebody when they come back.

da će ga neko čekati kada se vrati.

But if on this side there is somebody who says,

Ali ako je sa te strane neko ko kaže:

"I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm depressed.

"Zabrinut sam. Nervozan sam. Depresivan sam.

My partner hasn't taken care of me in so long.

Moj partner već dugo ne mari za mene.

Šta je tako dobro tamo? Za nemamo mi sve

What's so good out there?

Don't we have everything you need together, you and I?"

zajedno što ti treba, ti i ja?"

then there are a few little reactions

Tada nastupe neke reakcije

that all of us can pretty much recognize.

koje svi manje-više poznajemo.

Some of us will come back,

Neki će se vratiti natrag, neki su se odavno vratili

came back a long time ago,

and that little child who comes back

i to malo dete koje se vrati

is the child who will forgo a part of himself

je dete koje će se odreći dela sebe

da ne izgubi onog drugog.

in order not to lose the other.

I will lose my freedom in order not to lose connection.

Izgubiću slobodu, da ne izgubim povezanost.

And I will learn to love in a certain way

I naučiću da volim na način

opterećen dodatnom brigom

that will become burdened with extra worry

and extra responsibility and extra protection,

i dodatnom odgovornošću i dodatnom zaštitom

and I won't know how to leave you

i neću znati kako da odem od tebe,

in order to go play, in order to go experience pleasure,

da se igram, da iskusim zadovoljstvo,

in order to discover, to enter inside myself.

da otkrivam, da zakoračim u sebe.

Translate this into adult language.

Prevedite ovo na jezik odraslih.

It starts very young.

Počinje rano, a nadovezuje se na naše seksualne živote

It continues into our sex lives up to the end.

i na sve ostalo.

Child number two comes back

Dete broj dva se vraća

but looks like that over their shoulder all the time.

ali stalno gleda iza sebe.

"Are you going to be there?

"Da li ćes biti tu?

Are you going to curse me, scold me?

Hoćeš li me opsovati? Hoćeš li me izgrditi?

Are you going to be angry with me?"

Hoćeš li se naljutiti na mene?"

And they may be gone, but they're never really away.

I možda će otići, ali nikad neće biti istinski odsutno.

And those are often the people that will tell you,

I to su često ljudi koji će vam reći

kako je u početku sve bilo superuzbudljivo.

"In the beginning, it was super hot."

Because in the beginning,

U početku, sve izraženija initima

the growing intimacy wasn't yet so strong

nije bila toliko snažna

that it actually led to the decrease of desire.

da bi uticala na smanjenje žudnje.

The more connected I became, the more responsible I felt,

Što sam više osećala povezanost, rastao je moj osećaj odgovornosti,

the less I was able to let go in your presence.

a sve manje sam mogla da se opustim u tvom prisustvu.

The third child doesn't really come back.

Treće dete se zapravo ne vraća.

So what happens, if you want to sustain desire,

Dakle, ako želite da oržite žudnju

it's that real dialectic piece.

mislite o toj podvojenosti opcija.

On the one hand you want the security in order to be able to go.

Sa jedne strane želite sigurnost kako biste mogli otići.

On the other hand if you can't go, you can't have pleasure,

Sa druge, ako ne možete da odete, ne možete da iskusite zadovoljstvo,

you can't culminate, you don't have an orgasm,

ne možete da doživite vrhunac, ne postižete orgazam,

you don't get excited because you spend your time

ne uzbuđujete se jer boravite

in the body and the head of the other and not in your own.

u glavi i telu drugoga, a ne u svojima.

So in this dilemma about reconciling these two sets of fundamental needs,

Kada je u pitanju ova dilema

o pomirenju ove dve grupe osnovnih potreba

there are a few things that I've come to understand erotic couples do.

erotični parovi rade nekoliko stvari.

One, they have a lot of sexual privacy.

Prvo, imaju mnogo seksualne privatnosti.

They understand that there is an erotic space

Znaju da postoji jedan erotski prostor

that belongs to each of them.

koji pripada svakom od njih.

They also understand that foreplay is not something you do

Takođe znaju da predigra nije nešto što odradite

five minutes before the real thing.

pet minuta pre glavne stvari.

Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm.

Predigra manje-više počinje okončanjem prethodnog orgazma.

Znaju i da erotski prostor

They also understand that an erotic space isn't about,

you begin to stroke the other.

nije kad međusobno počnete da se mazite,

It's about you create a space where you leave Management Inc.,

već je to stvaranje prostora gde bacate dirigentsku palicu

maybe where you leave the Agile program --

i gde se možda odričete utabanih staza

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

i zapravo samo stupate u prostor

And you actually just enter that place where you stop being the good citizen

gde prestajete biti uzoran građanin

who is taking care of things and being responsible.

koji je odgovoran i brine o stvarima.

Responsibility and desire just butt heads.

Odgovornost i žudnja su kao rogovi u vreći.

They don't really do well together.

Baš se i ne slažu.

Erotic couples also understand that passion waxes and wanes.

Erotični parovi znaju i da strast odlazi i dolazi.

It's pretty much like the moon.

Skoro kao Mesec koji ima redovna pomračenja.

It has intermittent eclipses.

But what they know is they know how to resurrect it.

Ali takođe znaju i kako oživeti strast.

They know how to bring it back.

Umeju da je vrate,

And they know how to bring it back

a znaju i kako da je vrate,

jer su otkrili jedan veliki mit,

because they have demystified one big myth,

which is the myth of spontaneity,

mit o spontanosti, koji kaže

which is that it's just going to fall from heaven

da će to nešto pasti sa neba dok slažete rublje

while you're folding the laundry like a deus ex machina,

kao prst sudbine i takođe znaju

and in fact they understood

da ono što treba da se dogodi

that whatever is going to just happen in a long-term relationship, already has.

u dugoj vezi već i dogodilo.

Committed sex is premeditated sex.

Posvećeni seks je unapred osmišljeni seks.

Voljan. Nameran.

It's willful. It's intentional.

On je fokus i prisustvo.

It's focus and presence.

Srećan vam Dan zaljubljenih.

Merry Valentine's.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)