The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Esther Perel | TED

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

翻译人员: Bi Chen 校对人员: Angelique Wang

为何性爱的激情那么容易褪色？

So, why does good sex so often fade,

就算是那些爱得如胶似漆的夫妇也无一例外。

even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever?

And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex,

为何亲密的爱情也无法维持激情的色彩呢？

contrary to popular belief?

这和我们普遍对性生活与爱情的关系的认知相违背。

Or, the next question would be,

或者说，换第二个问题:

can we want what we already have?

我们能留住我们现有的性生活频率吗？

That's the million-dollar question, right?

这可是个很值得研究的问题，对吧?

And why is the forbidden so erotic?

再者，为什么偷腥会令人如此激情彭拜?

What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent?

又是什么东西令人在偷尝云雨之情时有如此旺盛的性欲呢？

And why does sex make babies,

又是为何性爱孕育了儿女

and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?

而儿女却最终反过来却成为夫妻性爱的灾难呢？

(Laughter)

It's kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn't it?

这对于性欲可是种致命的打击，不是么？

And when you love, how does it feel?

还有，当你爱时，你有什么感受?

And when you desire, how is it different?

并且当你产生欲望时，这种感受又会有什么不同的变化?

These are some of the questions

这些都是

that are at the center of my exploration on the nature of erotic desire

我今天想要探讨的问题

-----探索现代爱情中人类的原始性冲动

and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love.

和其伴随而来的困境

So I travel the globe,

为了这一研究，我去了很多国家

and what I'm noticing is that everywhere where romanticism has entered,

而我注意到

凡是浪漫的国度

there seems to be a crisis of desire.

都面临着性欲消退的危机。

A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting --

欲望消退危机----正如我们的需要一样,

desire as an expression of our individuality,

性欲作为我们对自身个体的表达：

of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity --

是对于我们的自由选择、偏好和身份的一种需要

desire that has become a central concept

性欲已经成为

as part of modern love and individualistic societies.

现代爱情和崇尚个人主义的社会的核心概念

You know, this is the first time in the history of humankind

要知道，这是人类历史上首次

where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term

我们长期体验性爱

不是为了生一大堆孩子,比如说14个。

not because we want 14 children,

for which we need to have even more because many of them won't make it,

-----或许我们部分人可能要生养育更多，以防很多可能会夭折，

and not because it is exclusively a woman's marital duty.

也不是源于女人生儿育女的天职。

This is the first time that we want sex over time

人类第一次将我需要性的观点超越了仅仅是体内的性欲在作怪

是因为性爱能给人们带来愉悦和稳定的关系。

about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire.

So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult?

那么,究竟是什么在维持着人的性欲?而维持性欲为何又这么难呢？

And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship,

要维持夫妻关系中的性欲的关键

I think, is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs.

我认为在于协调两种人类的基本需求。

On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability,

一方面，是我们对安全、可预测性、

for safety, for dependability,

安全感、可靠性、可依赖感和对永恒的需要。

for reliability, for permanence.

All these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives

所有这些生活中能为我们提供所需的厚实而安稳的体验的地方

that we call home.

就是我们所说的"家"。

But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women --

但同时, 无论男女, 我们,还有另一种强烈的需要

for adventure, for novelty,

---那就是对冒险，对新奇事物，神秘、危险、风险

for mystery, for risk, for danger,

for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise --

以及对未知有的、预料之外和惊喜的渴望。

you get the gist.

我的意思是我们喜欢出游，旅行

For journey, for travel.

So reconciling our need for security and our need for adventure

这就意味着在一段关系中，要协调我们对安稳感的需求

和对猎奇的需要，

into one relationship,

or what we today like to call a passionate marriage,

我们今天称之为 “有激情的婚姻”

used to be a contradiction in terms.

过去曾是相互矛盾的的两个方面

Marriage was an economic institution

婚姻曾经是一种经济制度

你可以从中获得某种合作关系,

in which you were given a partnership for life

in terms of children and social status

它一般以孩子，社会地位

and succession and companionship.

继承权以及同伴的形式出现。

可如今，我们在希望我们的伴侣可以继续提供这些的同时

But now we want our partner to still give us all these things,

but in addition I want you to be my best friend

又要求他们成为我们的知己

and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot,

做我们可交心的伴侣和激情四射的情人

and we live twice as long.

甚至还想长生不老呢

(Laughter)

（笑声）

所以,当我碰到我们的另一半时，我们简直在向对方要求

So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them

to give us what once an entire village used to provide.

给我们这些过去原本一整个村庄才能提供的东西：

Give me belonging, give me identity,

如财产，名份，至死不渝的忠贞爱情,

give me continuity,

but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one.

同时你还得让我觉得你是卓尔不群，有神秘感和有敬畏心。

Give me comfort, give me edge.

安抚我的同时带给我刺激。

Give me novelty, give me familiarity.

给我新鲜感的同时又要保持亲密。

Give me predictability, give me surprise.

让我过安稳的日子的同时还要能给我惊喜。

And we think it's a given,

多数人认为这是奉献，性玩具和性感睡衣就能解决这些问题。

and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.

(Laughter)

（掌声）

(Applause)

现在我们应该说清楚性爱激情的现实部分了,对吧?

So now we get to the existential reality of the story, right?

Because I think, in some way --

我觉得，从某种角度讲-- 一会我们再会回到这个话题

and I'll come back to that --

but the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination.

其实欲望危机就是想象力的危机。

So why does good sex so often fade?

那么为什么美妙的性爱体验容易消散呢？

What is the relationship between love and desire?

爱和欲之间的联系到底是什么呢？

How do they relate, and how do they conflict?

它们是怎样联系起来的，又是怎么相互冲突的呢？

横亘在这两者之间的是性欲的奥秘。

Because therein lies the mystery of eroticism.

So if there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it's "to have."

如果要我用一个动词来描述爱，那就是“拥有"

And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is "to want."

而对于性欲,我想用"索求"来描述最恰当不过了。

In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved.

在爱情中，我们想要拥有，我们想要了解我们的爱人

We want to minimize the distance.

我们想腻在一起，想跨越阻碍

We want to contract that gap.

We want to neutralize the tensions.

我们想调和不安的情绪，我们想亲密无间。

We want closeness.

而在性欲方面，我们不想回到我们已经经历过的地方。

But in desire,

we tend to not really want to go back to the places we've already gone.

Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest.

过时的结论提不起我们的兴趣。

In desire, we want an Other,

在性欲方面，我们想找的是我们的另一半，一个在彼岸,一个我们想去探索的另一半。

somebody on the other side that we can go visit,

一个我们想呆在一起的另一半

that we can go spend some time with,

that we can go see what goes on in their red-light district.

和一个我们能探索其瘾秘的内心世界的另一半

You know?

在性欲中，我们想找的是一座沟通的桥梁。

In desire, we want a bridge to cross.

Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air.

换言之，“一个巴掌拍不响啊”

Desire needs space.

性欲也需要空间。

And when it's said like that, it's often quite abstract.

这样说或许有点抽象吧。

But then I took a question with me.

带着一个问题

And I've gone to more than 20 countries in the last few years

几年间我带着"Mating in Captivity" 这本书走访了20多个国家

每到一处，我都会问人们:

with "Mating in Captivity," and I asked people,

when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?

"你什么时候最喜欢和爱人呆在一起？"

Not attracted sexually, per Se, but most drawn.

我说的是呆在一起而不是一起性爱

And across culture, across religion, and across gender -- except for one --

来自不同文化、不同地区、不同性别的人

除一个有点例外，其它人给我的回答不外如是

there are a few answers that just keep coming back.

第一组：最想和爱人在一起的时候

So the first group is:

I am most drawn to my partner when she is away,

是爱人不在身边的时候、是分开的时候或是小别重逢时。

when we are apart, when we reunite.

Basically, when I get back in touch

也就是，当我能用我的想象力

with my ability to imagine myself with my partner,

想像我和爱人在一起的时候，

when my imagination comes back in the picture,

当我的想像力能回到这方面来的时候，

and when I can root it in absence and in longing,

当爱人不在而我又想要的时候

which is a major component of desire.

这就是性欲的主要组成部分

But then the second group is even more interesting.

然而，另一组回答更有趣。

I am most drawn to my partner

我最想和爱人在一起的时候

when I see him in the studio,

是当我看到他在录影棚工作、在舞台上表演的时候、

when she is onstage,

when he is in his element,

当他在做正经事的时候、当他在做她感兴趣的事情的时候，

when she's doing something she's passionate about,

when I see him at a party and other people are really drawn to him,

当我看到他在party上谜倒一大堆人的时候

when I see her hold court.

当她开庭的时候。

Basically, when I look at my partner radiant and confident.

一般而言，当我看到我的爱人光芒四射而又自信的时候

Probably the biggest turn-on across the board.

这就是最大的刺激物了。

Radiant, as in self-sustaining.

光芒四射，在自我维系中也如此。

I look at this person -- by the way, in desire

在欲望中， 我看这个人

people rarely talk about it, when we are blended into one,

人们很少谈论这些, 当我们粘在一起的时候

也就是相隔5厘米左右的时候---说实在的我不知道是几厘米

five centimeters from each other.

I don't know in inches how much that is.

But it's also not when the other person is that far apart

但是,这种分别并不是说相隔太远

that you no longer see them.

以至于以后都不能相见。

而是我能在一个比较合适的距离看着我爱的人

It's when I'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance,

where this person that is already so familiar, so known,

那个我熟悉和相知的，

is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive.

还带有点神秘,有点难以捉摸的人。

And in this space between me and the other lies the erotic élan,

我和爱人之间的距离成了一条性欲的纽带

lies that movement toward the other.

也造成了我们的相互走动

Because sometimes, as Proust says,

因为有时候，正如Proust说的那样

mystery is not about traveling to new places,

发现奥秘不一定要到一个新的地方去，

but it's about looking with new eyes.

而只要我们有新视角就行。

And so, when I see my partner on his own or her own,

所以，当我们看到我们的另一半独自

doing something in which they are enveloped,

在忙自己的事的时候。

I look at this person and I momentarily get a shift in perception,

看着他我会对他有一种新的了解和认识，

and I stay open to the mysteries that are living right next to me.

而我对我身过的一些奥秘是常怀着关注之情的。

And then, more importantly, in this description about the other

更重要的是，对别人的了解

或者对自己的了解, 都一样.

or myself -- it's the same --

what is most interesting is that there is no neediness in desire.

最有趣的是，这不需要性欲。

Nobody needs anybody.

没有谁需要谁。

There is no caretaking in desire.

性欲不存在谁照顾谁的问题。

Caretaking is mightily loving.

照顾是一种了不起的大爱，是一种强大的崔情药

It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.

(Laughter)

I have yet to see somebody who is so turned on

我还看到一些人的性欲

by somebody who needs them.

是被那些需要他们的人唤起的

Wanting them is one thing.

想要是一回事，但需要会令人性趣索然

Needing them is a shot down

and women have known that forever,

这点女人最清楚了，

因为任何母性有关的东西

because anything that will bring up parenthood

will usually decrease the erotic charge.

都会降低性欲。

(Laughter)

For good reasons, right?

很有道理，是不是?

And then the third group of answers usually would be:

第三类回答是:

when I'm surprised, when we laugh together,

当我感到惊喜时，当我们一起大笑时会性趣大发，

as somebody said to me in the office today,

比如说，今天有人在我的办公室告诉我，

when he's in his tux, so I said, you know,

当他穿着无尾半正式晚礼服时最有感觉了

其实性欲与晚礼服或牛仔靴无关

it's either the tux or the cowboy boots.

而是与猎奇有关。

But basically it's when there is novelty.

But novelty isn't about new positions.

但新奇并不只意味着新的体位，也不是五花八门的性爱技巧

It isn't a repertoire of techniques.

新奇是,你将自已的哪一面展现出来？

Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out?

What parts of you are just being seen?

你的哪一面你的爱人熟悉？

Because in some way one could say sex isn't something you do, eh?

因为在某种程度上，我们会说

性交并不专指性交活动，对吧?

Sex is a place you go.

性交过程其实像你在去一个地方

It's a space you enter

inside yourself and with another, or others.

是一个进入自己或对方体内的过程。

因此，性交时何去何从？

So where do you go in sex?

What parts of you do you connect to?

你们身体的哪一部分有接触?

What do you seek to express there?

你们想在那里表达些什么？

那是一个表现性爱技巧和精神合一的地方吗？

Is it a place for transcendence and spiritual union?

Is it a place for naughtiness and is it a place to be safely aggressive?

那是一个俏皮掏蛋的地方呢还是一个略带点侵略性质的地方呢？

Is it a place where you can finally surrender

还是一个你最后放弃

and not have to take responsibility for everything?

不想负责任的地方呢?

它是不是一个你可以表达你孩子气的地方呢？

Is it a place where you can express your infantile wishes?

性爱到底是什么？ 其实性交是一种语言。

What comes out there? It's a language.

It isn't just a behavior.

不是一种行为。

And it's the poetic of that language that I'm interested in,

而我，正是对这一充满诗意的性交语言感兴趣

which is why I began to explore this concept of erotic intelligence.

这就是为什么我要探讨"性商"这一概念。

You know, animals have sex.

要知道，动物也性交。

It's the pivot, it's biology, it's the natural instinct.

而动物的性交是传宗接代的，是生物的，是一种自然的天性。

We are the only ones who have an erotic life,

人类是唯一过性生活的物种，

which means that it's sexuality transformed by the human imagination.

所谓性生活完全是人类想象出来的东西

We are the only ones who can make love for hours,

人类也是唯一能持续几个小时做爱

have a blissful time, multiple orgasms,

有幸福时光，有多次高潮

and touch nobody, just because we can imagine it.

而没有身体抚摸的动物，因为人类能想象出这些东西。

We can hint at it. We don't even have to do it.

我们可以用意念来交欢，根本就不用直接的身体接触。

We can experience that powerful thing called anticipation,

我们能体验强大的性期待

which is a mortar to desire.

那可是性欲的动机，

The ability to imagine it, as if it's happening,

能想得到的，它就可以是发生的

能体验到好像正在发生的，而实际上却没发生任何事

to experience it as if it's happening,

while nothing is happening

and everything is happening, at the same time.

所有这些都可以同时发生

So when I began to think about eroticism,

所以，当我想到性兴奋时，

I began to think about the poetics of sex.

我就会想到性爱的美妙。

And if I look at it as an intelligence,

而如果我把它看作一种“智商”

then it's something that you cultivate.

那么，它就应该是你应该培养的东西。

What are the ingredients?

性商包括什么呢？想象力、情趣、

Imagination, playfulness,

novelty, curiosity, mystery.

新鲜感、好奇心和神秘感。

但其核心是想象力。

But the central agent is really that piece called the imagination.

But more importantly, for me to begin to understand

但更重要的是，如果说我要弄清楚

who are the couples who have an erotic spark,

哪些夫妇有性火花，

what sustains desire,

什么东西方维系着性爱, 我必须得回顾一下

I had to go back to the original definition of eroticism,

性爱的最原始的定义,

the mystical definition,

这一最神秘的定义，我经历过的

and I went through it through a bifurcation

以一种分岐，通过创伤来看

by looking, actually, at trauma,

which is the other side.

这就是另一面，让我来看看

And I looked at it,

looking at the community that I had grown up in,

看看我成长的社区

which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors,

那是一个在比利时的社区，所有人都是大屠杀的幸存者

在这个社区里，有两类人：

and in my community, there were two groups:

those who didn't die, and those who came back to life.

一类是没有死过的，另一类是死后重生的

And those who didn't die lived often very tethered to the ground,

那些没死过的人一般都很现实

could not experience pleasure, could not trust,

无法体会快感，不信任人

because when you're vigilant, worried, anxious, and insecure,

因为他们过于谨慎、杞人忧天、焦虑

没有安全感，不能自信地

you can't lift your head to go and take off in space

在性爱中解放自我，没有情趣，没安全感也缺乏想象力。

and be playful and safe and imaginative.

Those who came back to life

那些劫后余生的人

were those who understood the erotic as an antidote to death.

他们把性事当作忘却死亡的解药。

They knew how to keep themselves alive.

他们知道怎样让自己活下去。

And when I began to listen

当我听到我的那些无性生活的同事的故事时

to the sexlessness of the couples that I work with,

I sometimes would hear people say, "I want more sex,"

有时我听到别人说：我想要更多的性生活。

但很多时候，人们更在意性生活的质量,

but generally, people want better sex,

and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness,

最好的是能过传统意义上性生活能提供给他们的活力、

of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality,

新鲜感、动感、和充满动力的性爱

of Eros, of energy

that sex used to afford them,

或者他们希望

or that they've hoped it would afford them.

能得到这性爱。

And so I began to ask a different question.

所以，我会问另一个问题：

我何时不会有性欲。

"I shut myself off when ..." began to be the question.

"I turn off my desires when ..."

我何时会压制自已的性欲。

Which is not the same question as,

是什么令我毫无性欲。你何时令我性欲全无。

"What turns me off is ..." and "You turn me off when ..."

人们会回答说：当我心死时、当我不再喜欢我自己的身体时

And people began to say, "I turn myself off when

I feel dead inside, when I don't like my body,

我对性也就没有任何兴趣了。

当我感觉自己老了，当我没有自己的时间了，

when I feel old,

when I haven't had time for myself,

when I haven't had a chance to even check in with you,

当我没机会和你去开房时，

when I don't perform well at work,

当我工作毫无业绩可言时，

when I feel low self esteem,

当我没有了自尊、当我觉得没有了个人价值时，

when I don't have a sense of self-worth,

当我觉得我已经没有权力去想，去获得

when I don't feel like I have a right to want, to take,

to receive pleasure."

和去接受这种快感受时

And then I began to ask the reverse question.

然后，我会反过来问：

"I turn myself on when ..."

我何时会性趣大发。因为很多时候

Because most of the time, people like to ask the question,

人们喜欢问这类问题：你令我兴奋

"You turn me on, what turns me on,"

什么使我兴奋? 我不可能兴奋的，对吧？

and I'm out of the question, you know?

Now, if you are dead inside,

但如果你已经心死了，你的另一半可以为你们的情人节做很多事啊！

the other person can do a lot of things for Valentine's.

It won't make a dent. There is nobody at the reception desk.

没有人知道的， 前台没有人呢。

（笑声）

(Laughter)

So I turn myself on when,

所以，我让自己兴奋

I turn on my desires, I wake up when ...

我唤醒自己的性欲，我起来时。。。

Now, in this paradox between love and desire,

在爱与欲这对矛盾体里

what seems to be so puzzling

令人不解的是那些滋润着爱的养分------

is that the very ingredients that nurture love --

相依相伴、互惠、

mutuality, reciprocity,

protection, worry, responsibility for the other --

爱护有加、担心、和为对方肩负起来的责任

are sometimes the very ingredients that stifle desire.

这些东西有时也会抑制性欲。

Because desire comes with a host of feelings

因为，性欲来自于一系列的

that are not always such favorites of love:

并非全是爱的情感：

jealousy, possessiveness,

比如说妒忌、占有欲、冒犯、权力、支配

aggression, power, dominance,

俏皮、捣蛋等等。

naughtiness, mischief.

Basically most of us will get turned on at night by the very same things

一般来说，大多数人晚上都会有性兴奋

其实白天也一样可能会有性兴奋

that we will demonstrate against during the day.

You know, the erotic mind is not very politically correct.

性想法在政治上不算很合适

If everybody was fantasizing on a bed of roses,

如果每个人都能躺在床上想着满床的玖瑰

we wouldn't be having such interesting talks about this.

那我们今天就没有必要来听这个演讲了。

(Laughter)

But no, in our mind up there are a host of things going on

但其实并不然，在我们心底的某个角落,

有着一些我们不知道的东西

that we don't always know how to bring to the person that we love,

不知道怎么样将这些东西告诉我们的爱人，

because we think love comes with selflessness

这是因为，我们认为爱是自私的，

and in fact desire comes with a certain amount of selfishness

而性欲在很大程度上出于我们的自私

in the best sense of the word:

如果说非得这么说的话

the ability to stay connected to one's self in the presence of another.

自私就是和别人在一起的时候

只顾自我的感受。

So I want to draw that little image for you,

所以，让我稍为概括一下

because this need to reconcile these two sets of needs,

因为这需要调和一下我们与生俱来的东西

we are born with that.

这两种需要。

Our need for connection, our need for separateness,

也就是联系的需要，分离的需要

or our need for security and adventure,

或者安全和冒险的需要

or our need for togetherness and for autonomy,

团聚的需要、自我管理的需要

如果你想像一下，有个小孩坐在你大腿上

and if you think about the little kid who sits on your lap

他舒服地坐在那里，既安全又舒适

and who is cozily nested here and very secure and comfortable,

and at some point all of us need to go out into the world

而在某种程度上，我们每个人都需要走出去

to discover and to explore.

去发现、去探索.

That's the beginning of desire,

这就是性欲的来源,

that exploratory need, curiosity, discovery.

探索需要好奇心和发现。

然后，在某时，他们会转过身来问看着你，

And then at some point they turn around and they look at you.

如果你对他们说：

And if you tell them,

"Hey kiddo, the world's a great place.

“嘿，老兄，这个世界太美妙了，去享受它吧”

Go for it. There's so much fun out there,"

那儿有太多乐趣了。

then they can turn away and they can experience

然后他们会去探索，同时去体验

connection and separateness at the same time.

团聚和分离。

They can go off in their imagination, off in their body,

他们会开动想象力和调动他们的身体

off in their playfulness,

动起嬉闹的念想，想着

all the while knowing that there's somebody when they come back.

回至家时爱人在等待。

But if on this side there is somebody who says,

但也有人会说：

"I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm depressed.

我很担心、我很焦虑、我感到无比压抑

My partner hasn't taken care of me in so long.

我和爱人很久都不理不睬了。

那里有什么好呢？我们两人在一起不就什么都有了吗？

What's so good out there?

Don't we have everything you need together, you and I?"

就你和我？

then there are a few little reactions

这就会引起一引起小反应

that all of us can pretty much recognize.

我们很多人都能识别

Some of us will come back,

我们有些人会回到从前，很久很久以前

came back a long time ago,

and that little child who comes back

那些想要回到从前的小孩

is the child who will forgo a part of himself

就是那些想放弃部分自我的小孩

为了不失去对方

in order not to lose the other.

I will lose my freedom in order not to lose connection.

要想不失去爱，我就得失去自由

And I will learn to love in a certain way

而我又得学会用某种方式去爱

这会导致我们过度担心、

that will become burdened with extra worry

and extra responsibility and extra protection,

过大的责任和过度的保护而不堪重负

and I won't know how to leave you

而我又不知道怎么放手

in order to go play, in order to go experience pleasure,

让你去享受、去体验快感，

in order to discover, to enter inside myself.

让你去发现，去进入我的内心世界

Translate this into adult language.

这要用成年人的语言来理解。

It starts very young.

性欲从我们很小时候就有，它会陪我们进入我们的性生活期

It continues into our sex lives up to the end.

直至我们老死。

Child number two comes back

第二个孩子回来

but looks like that over their shoulder all the time.

但伏在他们的肩上。

"Are you going to be there?

你快到了吗？

Are you going to curse me, scold me?

你会诅骂我吗？你会责备我吗？

Are you going to be angry with me?"

你会生我的气吗？

And they may be gone, but they're never really away.

这些或许都不见了，但他们永远都不会远离，

And those are often the people that will tell you,

这些就是人们常会和你说的

开始时会很狂热。

"In the beginning, it was super hot."

Because in the beginning,

因为刚开始时，亲密感

the growing intimacy wasn't yet so strong

还没有这么强烈

that it actually led to the decrease of desire.

而恰恰是亲密会削弱性欲。

The more connected I became, the more responsible I felt,

联系越紧密，觉得责任越大

the less I was able to let go in your presence.

越不会放手让你走

The third child doesn't really come back.

第三个孩子不会真正的回来

So what happens, if you want to sustain desire,

那会怎样？如果你想保持性欲

it's that real dialectic piece.

这是一种真正的辩证法。

On the one hand you want the security in order to be able to go.

一方面，为了享受性爱，你需要安全感。

On the other hand if you can't go, you can't have pleasure,

另一方面，如果你没有性爱，你不会享受到快感，

you can't culminate, you don't have an orgasm,

不会有性亢奋，不会有高潮

you don't get excited because you spend your time

你不会兴奋，因为你花太多的时间在别人的身体上

in the body and the head of the other and not in your own.

或心理上，而忽略了自己的身体和想法。

So in this dilemma about reconciling these two sets of fundamental needs,

因此，在妥协的两难中，

这两种基本的需要，

there are a few things that I've come to understand erotic couples do.

让我解理了性福夫妇的一些做法。

One, they have a lot of sexual privacy.

首先，他们有很多性瘾私。

They understand that there is an erotic space

他们明白各人都应该有

that belongs to each of them.

各自的空间。

They also understand that foreplay is not something you do

他们也清楚前戏并不是

five minutes before the real thing.

你在性交前5分钟所做的事。

Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm.

前戏应该从你上一次高潮结束之后就开始了。

他们同时也明白，性爱空间并不是

They also understand that an erotic space isn't about,

you begin to stroke the other.

你开始抚摸对方

It's about you create a space where you leave Management Inc.,

性爱是指你开设一个空间，就象经营一间大公司一样

maybe where you leave the Agile program --

在那里有你灵活的管理计划。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

而你实际上只进入那个地方

And you actually just enter that place where you stop being the good citizen

然后像个好市民一样停下来

who is taking care of things and being responsible.

谁来处理这些问题，谁来为这负责任。

Responsibility and desire just butt heads.

责任和性欲俩都只能硬碰硬

They don't really do well together.

他们不会合作。

Erotic couples also understand that passion waxes and wanes.

有性福的夫妇也明白，激情会慢慢退化。

It's pretty much like the moon.

性欲这东西就很像月亮一样有阴晴圆缺。

It has intermittent eclipses.

But what they know is they know how to resurrect it.

但是，他们知道怎么恢复它。

They know how to bring it back.

他们知道怎么样让它再美满起来。

And they know how to bring it back

他们能这样做是

因为他们打破了一个神话

because they have demystified one big myth,

which is the myth of spontaneity,

那个自然说的神话，

which is that it's just going to fall from heaven

性欲可能会在你的折叠衣物时突然出现

while you're folding the laundry like a deus ex machina,

就像从天而降一样，豪无征兆，而事实上，他们明白

and in fact they understood

无论发生什么

that whatever is going to just happen in a long-term relationship, already has.

在一个长期的关系中

Committed sex is premeditated sex.

有承诺的性爱是有预谋的性爱

是自愿的、你情我愿的

It's willful. It's intentional.

是投入的和确实存在的

It's focus and presence.

情人节快乐

Merry Valentine's.

(Applause)

(掌声）