The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Esther Perel | TED

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Translator: Nika Ambrožič Reviewer: Tadej Pesjak

Zakaj dober seks tako pogosto postane medel

So, why does good sex so often fade,

tudi za pare, ki se imajo še vedno tako radi kot prej?

even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever?

And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex,

Zakaj dobra intimnost ne zagotavlja dobrega seksa,

contrary to popular belief?

kar nasprotuje splošnemu prepričanju?

Or, the next question would be,

Ali, kar bi bilo naslednje vprašanje,

can we want what we already have?

si lahko želimo tega, kar že imamo?

That's the million-dollar question, right?

To je vprašanje za milijon dolarjev, kajne?

And why is the forbidden so erotic?

Zakaj je prepovedano tako erotično?

What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent?

Zakaj prekoračitev mej tako zelo okrepi poželenje?

And why does sex make babies,

Zakaj pri seksu nastanejo otroci,

and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?

ti pa pri parih povzročijo erotično katastrofo?

(Laughter)

It's kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn't it?

To je nekakšen smrtni erotični udarec, kajne?

And when you love, how does it feel?

Kadar ljubimo, kakšen je ta občutek?

And when you desire, how is it different?

Kadar si želimo, kako je to drugače?

These are some of the questions

To so nekatera izmed vprašanj,

that are at the center of my exploration on the nature of erotic desire

ki so glavna za moje raziskovanje

narave erotičnega poželenja

and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love.

in spremljajočih dilem v sodobni ljubezni.

So I travel the globe,

Potujem po svetu

and what I'm noticing is that everywhere where romanticism has entered,

in opažam,

da povsod, kjer najdemo romantiko,

there seems to be a crisis of desire.

obstaja nekakšna kriza poželenja.

A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting --

Kriza poželenja, kar pomeni priznati, da si želimo

desire as an expression of our individuality,

poželenja -- da bi z njim izrazil svojo individualnost,

of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity --

svojo svobodno izbiro, svoje preference in svojo identiteto --

desire that has become a central concept

poželenje, ki je postalo osrednja zamisel

as part of modern love and individualistic societies.

in del sodobne ljubezni v individualističnih družbah.

You know, this is the first time in the history of humankind

Veste, to je prvič v zgodovini človeštva,

where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term

da poskušamo doživeti spolnost na dolgi rok,

ne ker bi hoteli 14 otrok,

not because we want 14 children,

for which we need to have even more because many of them won't make it,

ker bi jih morali imeti še več, saj jih večina ne bi preživela,

and not because it is exclusively a woman's marital duty.

in ne ker bi bila to izključna dolžnost poročene ženske.

This is the first time that we want sex over time

To je prvič, da si želimo dolgotrajnega seksa

zaradi užitka in povezanosti, ki je zakoreninjena v poželenju.

about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire.

So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult?

Kaj ohranja poželenje in zakaj je to tako težko?

And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship,

Mislim, da je v središču ohranjanja poželenja v dolgotrajnem razmerju

I think, is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs.

uskladitev dveh osnovnih človeških potreb.

On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability,

Na eni strani je naša potreba po varnosti, predvidljivosti,

for safety, for dependability,

zanesljivosti, gotovosti, trajnosti,

for reliability, for permanence.

All these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives

kar so vse prizemljujoče, trdne izkušnje v našem življenju,

that we call home.

ki jim pravimo dom.

But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women --

Poleg tega pa imamo enako močno potrebo -- tako moški kot ženske --

for adventure, for novelty,

po avanturah, novostih, skrivnostnosti, tveganju, nevarnosti,

for mystery, for risk, for danger,

for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise --

neznanem, nepričakovanem, presenečenju --

you get the gist.

saj razumete -- po potovanjih.

For journey, for travel.

So reconciling our need for security and our need for adventure

Usklajevanje naše potrebe po varnosti

in naše potrebe po pustolovščinah v enem razmerju,

into one relationship,

or what we today like to call a passionate marriage,

kar je to, čemur danes pravimo strasten zakon,

used to be a contradiction in terms.

je bilo nekoč v protislovju.

Marriage was an economic institution

Zakon je bil ekonomska ustanova,

v kateri ste dobili doživljenjsko partnerstvo

in which you were given a partnership for life

in terms of children and social status

v smislu otrok, socialnega statusa,

and succession and companionship.

nasledstva in družabništva.

Danes pa želimo, da nam partner še vedno nudi vse te stvari,

But now we want our partner to still give us all these things,

but in addition I want you to be my best friend

poleg tega pa želimo, da so naši najboljši prijatelji,

and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot,

zaupniki in povrhu še strastni ljubimci,

and we live twice as long.

živimo pa dvakrat dlje.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

Pristopimo do človeka in jih pravzaprav prosimo,

So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them

to give us what once an entire village used to provide.

da nam dajo, kar nam je nekoč nudila celotna vas;

Give me belonging, give me identity,

daj mi pripadanje, daj mi identiteto, daj mi doslednost,

give me continuity,

but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one.

a obenem mi daj tudi izvrstnost, skrivnostnost in spoštovanje.

Give me comfort, give me edge.

Daj mi udobje, daj mi ostrino.

Give me novelty, give me familiarity.

Daj mi novost, daj mi poznanost.

Give me predictability, give me surprise.

Daj mi predvidljivost, daj mi presenečenje.

And we think it's a given,

Mislimo, da je to samo po sebi dano in da nas bodo rešile igračke in perilo.

and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.

(Laughter)

(aplavz)

(Applause)

Zdaj smo prišli do eksistencialne resničnosti v zgodbi, kajne?

So now we get to the existential reality of the story, right?

Because I think, in some way --

Mislim, da na nek način -- in k temu se bom vrnila --

and I'll come back to that --

but the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination.

je kriza poželenja pogosto kriza domišljije.

So why does good sex so often fade?

Zakaj dober seks tako pogosto postane medel?

What is the relationship between love and desire?

Kakšno je razmerje med ljubeznijo in poželenjem?

How do they relate, and how do they conflict?

Kako sta povezana in kako si nasprotujeta?

V tem leži skrivnost erotike.

Because therein lies the mystery of eroticism.

So if there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it's "to have."

Če zame obstaja glagol, ki je povezan z ljubeznijo, je to "imeti".

And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is "to want."

Če obstaja glagol, ki je povezan s poželenjem, je to "želeti".

In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved.

V ljubezni želimo imeti, želimo poznati ljubljenega.

We want to minimize the distance.

Hočemo zmanjšati razdaljo. Hočemo premostiti vrzel.

We want to contract that gap.

We want to neutralize the tensions.

Hočemo nevtralizirati napetost. Hočemo bližino.

We want closeness.

V poželenju pa si po navadi ne želimo nazaj na kraje, kjer smo že bili.

But in desire,

we tend to not really want to go back to the places we've already gone.

Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest.

Ne zanima nas več predvidljivi izid.

In desire, we want an Other,

V poželenju si želimo nekaj drugega, nekoga na drugi strani, ki ga lahko obiščemo,

somebody on the other side that we can go visit,

s katerim lahko preživimo nekaj časa,

that we can go spend some time with,

that we can go see what goes on in their red-light district.

pri katerem lahko obiščemo njegovo rdečo četrt.

You know?

V poželenju si želimo vrzeli, ki jo je treba premostiti.

In desire, we want a bridge to cross.

Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air.

Včasih povem to drugače; ogenj potrebuje zrak.

Desire needs space.

Poželenje potrebuje prostor.

And when it's said like that, it's often quite abstract.

Ko to rečemo tako, pogosto zveni abstraktno.

But then I took a question with me.

Potem sem to vprašanje vzela s seboj.

And I've gone to more than 20 countries in the last few years

V zadnjih nekaj letih sem bila v več kot 20 državah

s "Parjenjem v ujetništvu" in ljudi sem vprašala,

with "Mating in Captivity," and I asked people,

when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?

kdaj se jim njihov partner zdi najbolj privlačen.

Not attracted sexually, per Se, but most drawn.

Niti ne spolno, ampak da jih najbolj privlačijo.

And across culture, across religion, and across gender -- except for one --

Ne glede na kulturo, vero, spol

-- razen enega -- so se pogosto pojavljali nekateri odgovori.

there are a few answers that just keep coming back.

Prva skupina je bila: "Moj partnerka me najbolj privlači,

So the first group is:

I am most drawn to my partner when she is away,

ko je odsotna, ko sva narazen, ko se spet združiva.

when we are apart, when we reunite.

Basically, when I get back in touch

Ko zopet vzpostavim stik

with my ability to imagine myself with my partner,

z zmožnostjo, da si sebe predstavljam s partnerjem,

when my imagination comes back in the picture,

moja domišljija spet oživi

and when I can root it in absence and in longing,

in ko lahko najdem osnovo poželenja v odsotnosti in hrepenenju,

which is a major component of desire.

kar je velik del poželenja."

But then the second group is even more interesting.

Druga skupina je še bolj zanimiva:

I am most drawn to my partner

"Moj partner me najbolj privlači,

when I see him in the studio,

ko ga vidim v studiu, ko je na odru,

when she is onstage,

when he is in his element,

ko je v svojem elementu, ko počne nekaj, glede česa je strasten,

when she's doing something she's passionate about,

when I see him at a party and other people are really drawn to him,

ko ga vidim na zabavi in res privlači druge ljudi,

when I see her hold court.

ko je pod žarometi.

Basically, when I look at my partner radiant and confident.

Kadar torej vidim partnerja, ko je žareč in samozavesten,

Probably the biggest turn-on across the board.

je to najbolj seksi reč.

Radiant, as in self-sustaining.

Žareč in neodvisen.

I look at this person -- by the way, in desire

To osebo pogledam -- mimogrede, pri poželenju

people rarely talk about it, when we are blended into one,

ljudje redko govorijo o tem, kadar smo združeni v eno,

pet centimetrov drug od drugega. Ne vem, koliko je to v inčih.

five centimeters from each other.

I don't know in inches how much that is.

But it's also not when the other person is that far apart

In ne zgodi se takrat, ko je človek tako daleč stran,

that you no longer see them.

da ga ne vidiš več.

To se zgodi, ko partnerja vidimo z dobre razdalje,

It's when I'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance,

where this person that is already so familiar, so known,

ko človek, ki je tako znan, tako domač,

is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive.

za trenutek zopet postane nekako skrivnosten, izmikajoč se."

And in this space between me and the other lies the erotic élan,

V tem prostoru med nama leži erotični elan,

lies that movement toward the other.

ta sila, ki vleče proti drugemu.

Because sometimes, as Proust says,

Včasih, kot pravi Proust,

mystery is not about traveling to new places,

skrivnostnost ni v potovanju na nove kraje,

but it's about looking with new eyes.

ampak v gledanju z novimi očmi.

And so, when I see my partner on his own or her own,

Ko partnerja torej vidim samega,

doing something in which they are enveloped,

ko zavzeto počne nekaj,

I look at this person and I momentarily get a shift in perception,

pogledam tega človeka in za trenutek dobim drugačno perspektivo

and I stay open to the mysteries that are living right next to me.

in se odprem skrivnostnosti, ki živi poleg mene.

And then, more importantly, in this description about the other

Bolj pomembno pa je, da v tem opisu drugega,

ali sebe -- to je enako -- je najbolj zanimivo,

or myself -- it's the same --

what is most interesting is that there is no neediness in desire.

da pri poželenju ni nobenega potrebovanja.

Nobody needs anybody.

Nihče ne potrebuje nikogar.

There is no caretaking in desire.

V poželenju ni oskrbovanja.

Caretaking is mightily loving.

Oskrbovanje je močno ljubeče. To je močan antiafrodizijak.

It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.

(Laughter)

I have yet to see somebody who is so turned on

Nisem še videla, da bi nekoga vzburilo dejstvo,

by somebody who needs them.

da ga nekdo potrebuje.

Wanting them is one thing.

Želeti si nekoga je druga stvar. Potrebovati pa je blokada

Needing them is a shot down

and women have known that forever,

in ženske se tega zavedajo že celo večnost,

ker, karkoli spominja na starševstvo,

because anything that will bring up parenthood

will usually decrease the erotic charge.

po navadi zmanjša erotični naboj.

(Laughter)

For good reasons, right?

Za to obstajajo dobri razlogi, kajne?

And then the third group of answers usually would be:

Tretja skupina odgovorov bi po navadi bila:

when I'm surprised, when we laugh together,

"Ko sem presenečen, ko se skupaj smejeva."

as somebody said to me in the office today,

Nekdo mi je danes v pisarni rekel:

when he's in his tux, so I said, you know,

"Ko je v smokingu." Na to sem dejala:

"Vedno je ali smoking ali kavbojski škornji."

it's either the tux or the cowboy boots.

Pravzaprav gre za novosti.

But basically it's when there is novelty.

But novelty isn't about new positions.

A novost niso novi položaji ali repertoar tehnik.

It isn't a repertoire of techniques.

Novost je v tem, katere dele sebe pokažete.

Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out?

What parts of you are just being seen?

Katere dele ste pokazali šele zdaj?

Because in some way one could say sex isn't something you do, eh?

Na nek način bi lahko dejali,

da seks ni nekaj, kar počnemo, kaj?

Sex is a place you go.

Seks je kraj, ki ga obiščemo. Je prostor, v katerega vstopimo

It's a space you enter

inside yourself and with another, or others.

v samem sebi in to z drugim, ali drugimi.

Kam greste pri seksu?

So where do you go in sex?

What parts of you do you connect to?

S katerimi deli sebe se povežete?

What do you seek to express there?

Kaj si želite izraziti?

Gre za premoč ali duševno zvezo?

Is it a place for transcendence and spiritual union?

Is it a place for naughtiness and is it a place to be safely aggressive?

Gre za porednost in ali je to kraj, kjer je varno biti agresiven?

Is it a place where you can finally surrender

Je to kraj, kjer se lahko predate

and not have to take responsibility for everything?

in ne prevzemate odgovornosti za vse?

Je to kraj, kjer lahko izrazite svoje otročje želje?

Is it a place where you can express your infantile wishes?

Kaj pride na plan? To je jezik.

What comes out there? It's a language.

It isn't just a behavior.

Ni le vedenje.

And it's the poetic of that language that I'm interested in,

Zanima me poetičnost tega jezika,

which is why I began to explore this concept of erotic intelligence.

zaradizato sem začela raziskovati to idejo erotične inteligence.

You know, animals have sex.

Veste, živali seksajo.

It's the pivot, it's biology, it's the natural instinct.

Vse se vrti okoli tega, je biološko, naravni instinkt.

We are the only ones who have an erotic life,

Mi smo edini, ki imamo erotično življenje,

which means that it's sexuality transformed by the human imagination.

kar pomeni, da človeška domišljija preobrazi spolnost.

We are the only ones who can make love for hours,

Mi smo edini, ki se lahko ljubimo več ur,

have a blissful time, multiple orgasms,

se imamo božansko, večkratne orgazme,

and touch nobody, just because we can imagine it.

ne da bi se kogarkoli dotaknili, ker si to lahko predstavljamo.

We can hint at it. We don't even have to do it.

Lahko namignemo na to. Tega nam ni treba niti storiti.

We can experience that powerful thing called anticipation,

Doživimo lahko to močno stvar, ki ji pravimo pričakovanje,

which is a mortar to desire.

in ki je sestavni del strasti.

The ability to imagine it, as if it's happening,

Zmožnost predstavljati si, da se dogaja,

doživljati, kot da se dogaja, kadar se nič ne dogaja

to experience it as if it's happening,

while nothing is happening

and everything is happening, at the same time.

in se obenem dogaja vse.

So when I began to think about eroticism,

Ko sem pričela premišljevati o erotiki,

I began to think about the poetics of sex.

sem pričela premišljevati o poeziji seksa.

And if I look at it as an intelligence,

Če to pogledam kot nekakšno inteligenco,

then it's something that you cultivate.

je to nekaj, kar gojimo.

What are the ingredients?

Katere so sestavine? Domišljija, igrivost,

Imagination, playfulness,

novelty, curiosity, mystery.

novosti, radovednost, skrivnostnost.

A osrednji dejavnik je delček, ki mu pravimo domišljija.

But the central agent is really that piece called the imagination.

But more importantly, for me to begin to understand

Da bi lahko razumela,

who are the couples who have an erotic spark,

kdo so pari, ki imajo erotično iskrico,

what sustains desire,

kaj ohranja poželenje, sem se morala vrniti

I had to go back to the original definition of eroticism,

k izvirni definiciji erotike,

the mystical definition,

skrivnostni definiciji. Čez njo sem se prebila tako,

and I went through it through a bifurcation

da sem si pogledala travmo,

by looking, actually, at trauma,

which is the other side.

ki je bila nekaj drugačnega. To sem si ogledala tako,

And I looked at it,

looking at the community that I had grown up in,

da sem raziskala skupnost, v kateri sem odrasla,

which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors,

to je bila skupnost preživelih holokavsta v Belgiji.

V tej skupnosti sta bili dve skupini:

and in my community, there were two groups:

those who didn't die, and those who came back to life.

tisti, ki niso umrli, in tisti, ki so ponovno oživeli.

And those who didn't die lived often very tethered to the ground,

Tisti, ki niso umrli, so pogosto bili zelo pobiti,

could not experience pleasure, could not trust,

niso mogli izkusiti užitka, niso mogli zaupati,

because when you're vigilant, worried, anxious, and insecure,

ker, ko si pazljiv, prestrašen, zaskrbljen

in negotov, ne moreš dvigniti glave,

you can't lift your head to go and take off in space

da bi odletel v vesolje in bil igriv, varen in iznajdljiv.

and be playful and safe and imaginative.

Those who came back to life

Tisti, ki so ponovno oživeli, so bili tisti,

were those who understood the erotic as an antidote to death.

ki so razumeli, da je erotika protistrup smrti.

They knew how to keep themselves alive.

Vedeli so, kako same sebe ohranjati žive.

And when I began to listen

Ko sem začela poslušati o pomanjkanju spolnosti parov, s katerimi sem delala,

to the sexlessness of the couples that I work with,

I sometimes would hear people say, "I want more sex,"

sem včasih slišala: "Želim si več seksa."

A ljudje si po navadi želijo boljšega seksa

but generally, people want better sex,

and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness,

in boljše pomeni, da ponovno vzpostaviš vez z živostjo,

of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality,

živahnostjo, obnovitvijo, vitalnostjo, libidom, energijo,

of Eros, of energy

that sex used to afford them,

ki jih je včasih nudil seks, ali za katere so upali,

or that they've hoped it would afford them.

da jim jih bo nudil.

And so I began to ask a different question.

Zato sem začela postavljati drugačna vprašanja.

Vprašanje je postalo: "Zaprem se vase, ko ..."

"I shut myself off when ..." began to be the question.

"I turn off my desires when ..."

"Svoje poželenje ugasnem, ko ..." kar ni enako kot:

Which is not the same question as,

"Ohladim se, ko ..." in "Moje vzburjenje ugasneš, ko ..."

"What turns me off is ..." and "You turn me off when ..."

Ljudje so začeli govoriti: "Ohladim se,

And people began to say, "I turn myself off when

I feel dead inside, when I don't like my body,

ko se znotraj počutim mrtvega, ko mi ni všeč moje telo,

ko se počutim starega, ko nisem imel časa zase,

when I feel old,

when I haven't had time for myself,

when I haven't had a chance to even check in with you,

ko nisem imel niti priložnosti, da te pokličem,

when I don't perform well at work,

ko mi ne gre v službi,

when I feel low self esteem,

ko imam nizko samozavest, ko ne cenim samega sebe,

when I don't have a sense of self-worth,

ko mislim, da si nimam pravice želeti, vzeti

when I don't feel like I have a right to want, to take,

to receive pleasure."

in dobiti užitek."

And then I began to ask the reverse question.

Nato sem začela obračati vprašanje.

"I turn myself on when ..."

"Sam sebe vzburim, ko ..." Ker po navadi

Because most of the time, people like to ask the question,

ljudje radi sprašujejo: "Ti me vzburiš,

"You turn me on, what turns me on,"

kaj me vzburi," in nisem več del vprašanja. Razumete?

and I'm out of the question, you know?

Now, if you are dead inside,

Če se znotraj počutiš mrtvega, lahko druga oseba stori mnogo stvari na valentinovo,

the other person can do a lot of things for Valentine's.

It won't make a dent. There is nobody at the reception desk.

a to ne bo imelo učinka. Nobenega ni na recepciji.

(smeh)

(Laughter)

So I turn myself on when,

Sama sebe vzburim, ko ...

I turn on my desires, I wake up when ...

Prižgem svoje poželenje, zbudim se, ko ...

Now, in this paradox between love and desire,

Pri tem paradoksu med ljubeznijo in poželenjem

what seems to be so puzzling

je begajoče, da prav te sestavine,

is that the very ingredients that nurture love --

ki hranijo ljubezen -- skupnost, vzajemnost,

mutuality, reciprocity,

protection, worry, responsibility for the other --

zaščita, skrb, odgovornost za drugega --

are sometimes the very ingredients that stifle desire.

so ravno te sestavine, ki gasijo poželenje.

Because desire comes with a host of feelings

Poželenje spremlja skupina čustev,

that are not always such favorites of love:

ki niso vedno priljubljeni v ljubezni:

jealousy, possessiveness,

ljubosumje, posesivnost, agresija, moč, dominantnost,

aggression, power, dominance,

porednost, nagajivost.

naughtiness, mischief.

Basically most of us will get turned on at night by the very same things

Večino izmed nas bo ponoči vzburilo to,

proti čemur bomo protestirali čez dan.

that we will demonstrate against during the day.

You know, the erotic mind is not very politically correct.

Veste, erotični um ni politično korekten.

If everybody was fantasizing on a bed of roses,

Če bi vsi fantazirali o postelji prekriti z vrtnicami,

we wouldn't be having such interesting talks about this.

ne bi imeli teh zanimivih pogovorov.

(Laughter)

But no, in our mind up there are a host of things going on

Ampak ni tako. V naših možganih

je ogromno reči, za katere včasih ne vemo,

that we don't always know how to bring to the person that we love,

kako bi jih omenili človeku, ki ga ljubimo,

because we think love comes with selflessness

ker mislimo, da je ljubezen nesebična.

and in fact desire comes with a certain amount of selfishness

Res pa je, da poželenje spremlja določna mera sebičnosti

in the best sense of the word:

v najboljšem pomenu besede:

the ability to stay connected to one's self in the presence of another.

zmožen ostati povezan sam s sabo

v prisotnosti drugega.

So I want to draw that little image for you,

Rada bi vam to prikazala nazorno,

because this need to reconcile these two sets of needs,

saj se rodimo s potrebo, da bi uskladili

we are born with that.

te dve skupini potreb.

Our need for connection, our need for separateness,

Naša potreba po povezanosti, naša potreba po ločenosti,

or our need for security and adventure,

ali naša potreba po varnosti in pustolovščini

or our need for togetherness and for autonomy,

ali naša potreba po skupnosti in samostojnosti.

Pomislite na otroka, ki vam sedi v naročju,

and if you think about the little kid who sits on your lap

udobno je nameščen in zelo varen.

and who is cozily nested here and very secure and comfortable,

and at some point all of us need to go out into the world

Slej ko prej moramo vsi iti v svet,

to discover and to explore.

da raziskujemo in odkrivamo.

That's the beginning of desire,

To je pričetek poželenja,

that exploratory need, curiosity, discovery.

potrebe po raziskovanju, radovednosti, odkrivanju.

Nekega dne se otrok obrne in vas pogleda,

And then at some point they turn around and they look at you.

in če mu rečete:

And if you tell them,

"Hey kiddo, the world's a great place.

"Hej, mali, svet je krasen. Kar daj.

Go for it. There's so much fun out there,"

Zunaj je obilo zabave,"

then they can turn away and they can experience

se lahko obrne stran in doživi

connection and separateness at the same time.

povezanost in odtujenost obenem.

They can go off in their imagination, off in their body,

Lahko odpotuje z domišljijo, s telesom,

off in their playfulness,

z igrivostjo in ves čas ve,

all the while knowing that there's somebody when they come back.

da ga nekdo čaka, ko se vrne.

But if on this side there is somebody who says,

A če je na tej strani nekdo, ki reče:

"I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm depressed.

"Skrbi me. Živčen sem. Depresiven sem.

My partner hasn't taken care of me in so long.

Moj partner že dolgo ni poskrbel zame.

Kaj je dobrega tam zunaj? Ali nimava vsega,

What's so good out there?

Don't we have everything you need together, you and I?"

kar potrebuješ, skupaj, jaz in ti?"

then there are a few little reactions

Potem se zgodi serija malih odzivov,

that all of us can pretty much recognize.

ki jih lahko prepoznamo skorajda vsi.

Some of us will come back,

Nekateri se bomo vrnili, smo se vrnili dolgo časa nazaj

came back a long time ago,

and that little child who comes back

in ta mali otrok, ki pride nazaj,

is the child who will forgo a part of himself

je otrok, ki je zavrgel delček sebe,

da ne bi izgubil drugega.

in order not to lose the other.

I will lose my freedom in order not to lose connection.

Izgubil bom svojo svobodo, da ne bi izgubil povezanosti.

And I will learn to love in a certain way

Naučil se bom ljubiti na način,

ki bo še bolj otežen zaradi dodatnih skrbi,

that will become burdened with extra worry

and extra responsibility and extra protection,

dodatne odgovornosti in dodatne zaščite.

and I won't know how to leave you

Ne bom te znal zapustiti,

in order to go play, in order to go experience pleasure,

da bi se igral, da bi doživel ugodje,

in order to discover, to enter inside myself.

da bi odkrival, da bi vstopil vase.

Translate this into adult language.

To prevedite v jezik odraslih.

It starts very young.

Začne se pri mladih letih in se nadaljuje v naše spolno življenje,

It continues into our sex lives up to the end.

vse do konca.

Child number two comes back

Otrok številka dve se vrne,

but looks like that over their shoulder all the time.

a se kar naprej ozira čez ramo.

"Are you going to be there?

"Ali boš tam?

Are you going to curse me, scold me?

Ali me boš preklel? Ali me boš okaral?

Are you going to be angry with me?"

Ali boš jezen name?"

And they may be gone, but they're never really away.

Morda ga ni več, a nikoli ni zares odšel

And those are often the people that will tell you,

in to so pogosto ljudje, ki vam bodo dejali,

da je bil začetek res vroč.

"In the beginning, it was super hot."

Because in the beginning,

Ker na začetku ta rastoča intimnost

the growing intimacy wasn't yet so strong

še ni bila tako močna,

that it actually led to the decrease of desire.

da bi pripeljala do zmanjšanega poželenja.

The more connected I became, the more responsible I felt,

Bolj kot sem se počutil povezanega, bolj sem se počutil odgovornega

the less I was able to let go in your presence.

in manj sem se upal sprostiti v tvoji prisotnosti.

The third child doesn't really come back.

Tretji otrok se pravzaprav nikoli ne vrne.

So what happens, if you want to sustain desire,

Če torej želite ohranjati poželenje,

it's that real dialectic piece.

ste postavljeni v protislovno situacijo.

On the one hand you want the security in order to be able to go.

Po eni strani si želite varnosti, da bi se lahko sprostili.

On the other hand if you can't go, you can't have pleasure,

Po drugi strani, če ne morete oditi, ne morete izkusiti užitka,

you can't culminate, you don't have an orgasm,

ne kulminirate, ne dosežete orgazma,

you don't get excited because you spend your time

ne vzburite se, ker svoj čas porabite

in the body and the head of the other and not in your own.

v telesu in glavi drugega in ne sebe.

So in this dilemma about reconciling these two sets of fundamental needs,

O tej dilemi o usklajevanju

teh dveh skupin osnovnih potreb

there are a few things that I've come to understand erotic couples do.

sem ugotovila nekaj stvari, ki jih počenejo erotični pari.

One, they have a lot of sexual privacy.

Prvič, imajo veliko seksualne zasebnosti.

They understand that there is an erotic space

Razumejo, da obstaja erotičen prostor,

that belongs to each of them.

ki pripada vsakemu izmed njiju.

They also understand that foreplay is not something you do

Razumejo tudi, da predigra ni nekaj, kar počnemo

five minutes before the real thing.

pet minut pred pravo zadevo.

Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm.

Predigra se začne na koncu prejšnjega orgazma.

Razumejo tudi, da se erotičen prostor

They also understand that an erotic space isn't about,

you begin to stroke the other.

ne začne z dotikanjem drug drugega.

It's about you create a space where you leave Management Inc.,

Gre se za ustvarjanje prostora, kjer pustijo ob strani službo,

maybe where you leave the Agile program --

kjer lahko pustijo ob strani fitnes,

(Laughter)

(smeh)

in vstopijo v prostor,

And you actually just enter that place where you stop being the good citizen

kjer prenehajo biti dober državljan,

who is taking care of things and being responsible.

ki poskrbi za zadeve in je odgovoren.

Responsibility and desire just butt heads.

Odgovornost in poželenje le tolčeta z glavami skupaj.

They don't really do well together.

Ne znata dobro sodelovati.

Erotic couples also understand that passion waxes and wanes.

Erotični pari tudi razumejo, da strast narašča in pada.

It's pretty much like the moon.

Je kot luna. V presledkih obstajajo mrki.

It has intermittent eclipses.

But what they know is they know how to resurrect it.

A zavedajo se, kako jo obuditi.

They know how to bring it back.

Vedo, kako jo pripeljati nazaj

And they know how to bring it back

in to vedo,

ker so razkrili velik mit,

because they have demystified one big myth,

which is the myth of spontaneity,

namreč mit spontanosti, ki govori,

which is that it's just going to fall from heaven

da jim bo to padlo z nebes, ko bodo zlagali perilo,

while you're folding the laundry like a deus ex machina,

kot deus ex machina, in pravzaprav razumejo,

and in fact they understood

da karkoli se bo zgodilo

that whatever is going to just happen in a long-term relationship, already has.

v dolgotrajnem razmerju, se je že zgodilo.

Committed sex is premeditated sex.

Predan seks je premišljen seks.

Zavesten je. Nameren je.

It's willful. It's intentional.

Je osredotočenje in prisotnost.

It's focus and presence.

Veselo valentinovo.

Merry Valentine's.

(Applause)

(aplavz)