The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Esther Perel | TED

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Prevoditelj: Predrag Pale Recezent: Senzos Osijek

Dakle, zašto dobar seks tako često blijedi,

So, why does good sex so often fade,

čak i kod parova koji se i danas vole kao nekad?

even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever?

And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex,

I zašto fina intimnost ne jamči dobar seks,

contrary to popular belief?

suprotno popularnom uvjerenju?

Or, the next question would be,

Ili, sljedeće bi pitanje bilo,

can we want what we already have?

možemo li žudjeti za nečime što već imamo?

That's the million-dollar question, right?

To je pitanje za milijun dolara, zar ne?

And why is the forbidden so erotic?

I zašto je zabranjeno toliko erotično?

What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent?

Zašto prijestup potiče žudnju?

And why does sex make babies,

I zašto seks rezultira djecom,

and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?

a djeca su katastrofa za žudnju u braku?

(Laughter)

It's kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn't it?

To je svojevrstan fatalni udarac na erotičnost, zar ne?

And when you love, how does it feel?

Kad volite, kako se osjećate ?

And when you desire, how is it different?

A kad osjećate žudnju, po čemu je to drugačije?

These are some of the questions

To su neka od najvažnijih pitanja

that are at the center of my exploration on the nature of erotic desire

mojih istraživanja

o prirodi erotske žudnje

and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love.

i dilemama koje ju prate u suvremenom ljubavnom životu.

So I travel the globe,

Putujem svijetom,

and what I'm noticing is that everywhere where romanticism has entered,

i primjećujem da,

gdje god se pojavi romantika,

there seems to be a crisis of desire.

čini se da je ugrožena žudnja.

A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting --

Kriza žudnje, kao osobnog osjećaja želje --

desire as an expression of our individuality,

žudnje kao izričaja naše osobnosti,

of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity --

naše slobode izbora, našeg identiteta,

desire that has become a central concept

žudnje koja je postala središnjim pojmom

as part of modern love and individualistic societies.

suvremenog ljubavnog života i individualističkog društva.

You know, this is the first time in the history of humankind

Znate, ovo je prvi put u ljudskoj povijesti

where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term

da želimo iskusiti seksualnost kroz dugo razdoblje

ne zato što želimo 14-ero djece,

not because we want 14 children,

for which we need to have even more because many of them won't make it,

koje trebamo jer mnogi od njih neće preživjeti,

and not because it is exclusively a woman's marital duty.

i ne zato što je to ženina bračna obveza,.

This is the first time that we want sex over time

Ovo je prvi put da želimo seks na duge staze

zbog užitka i povezanosti koji su ukorijenjeni u žudnji.

about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire.

So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult?

Što održava žudnju živom i zašto je to tako teško?

And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship,

Mislim da je bit održavanja žudnje u predanoj vezi,

I think, is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs.

u pomirenju dviju temeljnih ljudskih potreba.

On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability,

S jedne strane želimo sigurnost, predvidljivost,

for safety, for dependability,

sigurnost, zavisnost, pouzdanost, trajnost ---

for reliability, for permanence.

All these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives

sva ona temeljna iskustva našeg života

that we call home.

koja zovemo domom.

But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women --

Ali imamo jednako jaku potrebu -- i muškarci i žene --

for adventure, for novelty,

za avanturom, novinama, rizikom, tajanstvenošću, opasnošću,

for mystery, for risk, for danger,

for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise --

za nepoznatim, neočekivanim, za iznenađenjem --

you get the gist.

shvaćate -- za putovanjem.

For journey, for travel.

So reconciling our need for security and our need for adventure

Dakle, pokušaj da svoju potrebu za sigurnošću

objedinimo s potrebom za avanturom u jednoj romantičnoj vezi,

into one relationship,

or what we today like to call a passionate marriage,

odnosno ono što danas nazivamo strasnim brakom,

used to be a contradiction in terms.

nekad su bili suprotni pojmovi.

Marriage was an economic institution

Brak je bio ekonomska institucija

koja vam je dala doživotno partnerstvo

in which you were given a partnership for life

in terms of children and social status

u obliku djece, društvenog položaja,

and succession and companionship.

prava nasljeđivanja i zajedništva.

Danas od svog partnera još uvijek želimo sve to,

But now we want our partner to still give us all these things,

but in addition I want you to be my best friend

ali još želim da mi budeš i najbolji prijatelj

and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot,

i osoba kojoj se mogu povjeriti i strastveni ljubavnik,

and we live twice as long.

a još živimo i dvostruko duže.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Od jedne osobe, zapravo, tražimo

So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them

to give us what once an entire village used to provide.

ono što nam je nekad davalo cijelo selo:

Give me belonging, give me identity,

daj mi osjećaj pripadnosti, identitet, trajnost,

give me continuity,

but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one.

ali daj mi i transcedenciju i zagonetnost i zadivljenost, sve u jednom.

Give me comfort, give me edge.

Utješi me, uzbudi me.

Give me novelty, give me familiarity.

Daj mi nešto novo, daj mi nešto poznato.

Give me predictability, give me surprise.

Budi predvidljiv, iznenadi me.

And we think it's a given,

I mislimo da je to naprosto tako, da nam u tome mogu pomoći igračke i ženstveno rublje.

and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.

(Laughter)

(Pljesak)

(Applause)

Sad dolazimo do sušte stvarnosti ove priče, zar ne?

So now we get to the existential reality of the story, right?

Because I think, in some way --

Ja vjerujem da je na neki način -- a vratit ću se još na to --

and I'll come back to that --

but the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination.

kriza žudnje često kriza mašte.

So why does good sex so often fade?

No, dakle, zašto dobar seks često blijedi?

What is the relationship between love and desire?

Kakav je odnos između ljubavi i žudnje?

How do they relate, and how do they conflict?

Kako su povezane, a kako se razlikuju?

Jer u tome je tajna erotičnosti.

Because therein lies the mystery of eroticism.

So if there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it's "to have."

Ako postoji glagol koji ide uz "ljubav", za mene je to "imati".

And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is "to want."

A ako postoji glagol uz "žudnju", onda je to "željeti".

In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved.

U ljubavi, želimo imati, želimo poznavati ljubljenog.

We want to minimize the distance.

Želimo smanjiti međusobnu udaljenost, stisnuti razmak.

We want to contract that gap.

We want to neutralize the tensions.

Želimo neutralizirati napetosti. Želimo bliskost.

We want closeness.

Ali u žudnji nastojimo da baš ne idemo opet na ista mjesta na kojima smo već bili.

But in desire,

we tend to not really want to go back to the places we've already gone.

Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest.

Poznati zaključci nisu nam više zanimljivi, ne zaokupljaju našu pažnju.

In desire, we want an Other,

U žudnji želimo Drugog, nekoga na drugoj strani koga možemo posjetiti,

somebody on the other side that we can go visit,

s kime možemo provesti neko vrijeme,

that we can go spend some time with,

that we can go see what goes on in their red-light district.

da vidimo što se događa u njihovoj "crvenoj četvrti".

You know?

U žudnji, tražimo most koji ćemo prijeći.

In desire, we want a bridge to cross.

Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air.

Ili, drugim riječima, ja ponekad kažem: vatri treba zrak.

Desire needs space.

Žudnja treba prostor.

And when it's said like that, it's often quite abstract.

Kad se to tako kaže, često to zvuči apstraktno.

But then I took a question with me.

Zato sam na put krenula s pitanjem .

And I've gone to more than 20 countries in the last few years

U posljednjih nekoliko godina bila sam u više od 20 zemalja

s knjigom "Parenje u zarobljeništvu" i pitala sam ljude:

with "Mating in Captivity," and I asked people,

when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?

U kojim situacijama osjećate da vas vaš partner najviše privlači?

Not attracted sexually, per Se, but most drawn.

Ne mora to nužno biti seksualno, ali da vas jako privlači.

And across culture, across religion, and across gender -- except for one --

I bez obzira na kulturu, religiju, spol --

osim u jednom slučaju -- nekoliko se odgovora neprekidno ponavlja.

there are a few answers that just keep coming back.

Prva je grupa: Partnerica me najviše privlači

So the first group is:

I am most drawn to my partner when she is away,

kad je na putu, kad smo odvojeni, kad se ponovno sretnemo.

when we are apart, when we reunite.

Basically, when I get back in touch

Zapravo, kad ponovno oživim

with my ability to imagine myself with my partner,

svoju sposobnost da se zamislim s partnerom,

when my imagination comes back in the picture,

kad moja mašta proradi,

and when I can root it in absence and in longing,

i proizlazi iz odsutnosti i čežnje,

which is a major component of desire.

koja je glavni sastojak žudnje.

But then the second group is even more interesting.

No, druga je grupa još zanimljivija:

I am most drawn to my partner

Moj me partner najviše privlači

when I see him in the studio,

kad ga vidim u studiju, na pozornici,

when she is onstage,

when he is in his element,

kad je u svom elementu, kad radi nešto sa strašću,

when she's doing something she's passionate about,

when I see him at a party and other people are really drawn to him,

kad ga vidim na zabavi kako plijeni pažnju drugih ljudi,

when I see her hold court.

kad je gledam kako vlada situacijom.

Basically, when I look at my partner radiant and confident.

Promatranje partnera kako zrači samopouzdanjem

Probably the biggest turn-on across the board.

vjerojatno pruža najveće od svih uzbuđenja.

Radiant, as in self-sustaining.

Zrači, u smislu samodostatnosti.

I look at this person -- by the way, in desire

Gledam tu osobu -- inače, u žudnji

people rarely talk about it, when we are blended into one,

ljudi rijetko o tome govore, kad se stopimo u jedno,

pet centimetara jedno od drugoga. Ne znam koliko je to u inčima.

five centimeters from each other.

I don't know in inches how much that is.

But it's also not when the other person is that far apart

Ali to nije ni onda kad je ta osoba toliko daleko

that you no longer see them.

da je više ne vidite.

To se događa kad svog partnera gledam s ugodne udaljenosti,

It's when I'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance,

where this person that is already so familiar, so known,

kad je ta osoba koja mi je već toliko poznata,

is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive.

odjednom u trenutku ponovno tajnovita, pomalo nedohvatljiva.

And in this space between me and the other lies the erotic élan,

I upravo u tom prostoru između mene i drugog nalazi se erotski elan,

lies that movement toward the other.

nalazi se kretnja prema onom drugom.

Because sometimes, as Proust says,

Jer ponekad, kako to kaže Proust,

mystery is not about traveling to new places,

čarolija nije u putovanju u nove krajeve,

but it's about looking with new eyes.

nego u novom pogledu na poznate stvari.

And so, when I see my partner on his own or her own,

I zato, kad vidim svog partnera samostalnog,

doing something in which they are enveloped,

kako radi nešto čime je potpuno obuzet ili obuzeta ,

I look at this person and I momentarily get a shift in perception,

gledam tu osobu i u trenutku dobivam pogled iz druge perspektive

and I stay open to the mysteries that are living right next to me.

i otvaram se tajnama koje žive tu, pored mene.

And then, more importantly, in this description about the other

I onda, još važnije, u tom opisivanju drugoga

ili sebe -- jer to je isto -- najzanimljivije je to

or myself -- it's the same --

what is most interesting is that there is no neediness in desire.

da u žudnji nema potrebe.

Nobody needs anybody.

Nitko nikoga ne treba.

There is no caretaking in desire.

Nema brižnosti u žudnji.

Caretaking is mightily loving.

Brižnost je moćna ljubav. Ona je snažan anti-afrodizijak.

It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.

(Laughter)

I have yet to see somebody who is so turned on

Još nisam srela nekog tko je uzbuđen

by somebody who needs them.

nekime tko ga treba.

Wanting them is one thing.

Željeti ga je jedna stvar. Ali potreba je hladan tuš,

Needing them is a shot down

and women have known that forever,

a to je ženama oduvijek poznato,

jer svako spominjanje roditeljstva

because anything that will bring up parenthood

will usually decrease the erotic charge.

u pravilu će smanjiti erotski naboj.

(Laughter)

For good reasons, right?

S razlogom, zar ne?

And then the third group of answers usually would be:

Treća skupina odgovora glasi:

when I'm surprised, when we laugh together,

Kad sam iznenađena, kad se smijemo zajedno,

as somebody said to me in the office today,

kao što mi je netko u uredu danas rekao,

when he's in his tux, so I said, you know,

kad je u smokingu, na što sam odgovorila:

ili je smoking ili su kaubojske čizme.

it's either the tux or the cowboy boots.

No u osnovi, to je onda kad postoji nešto novo.

But basically it's when there is novelty.

But novelty isn't about new positions.

Ali ne radi se o novim seksualnim pozama. Ne radi se o repertoaru tehnika.

It isn't a repertoire of techniques.

Novost je: Koji dio sebe prikazujete?

Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out?

What parts of you are just being seen?

Koji se dio vas upravo sad može vidjeti?

Because in some way one could say sex isn't something you do, eh?

Jer, na neki se način može reći:

Seks nije nešto što radiš, zar ne?

Sex is a place you go.

Seks je mjesto na koje ideš. To je prostor u koji ulaziš

It's a space you enter

inside yourself and with another, or others.

u sebi i s drugim, ili drugima.

Kamo vi idete u seksu?

So where do you go in sex?

What parts of you do you connect to?

S kojim se dijelovima sebe povezujete?

What do you seek to express there?

Što ondje želite izraziti?

Je li to mjesto za transcedenciju i duhovno ujedinjenje?

Is it a place for transcendence and spiritual union?

Is it a place for naughtiness and is it a place to be safely aggressive?

Je li to mjesto za nestašnost i mjesto gdje na siguran način možete biti agresivni?

Is it a place where you can finally surrender

Je li to mjesto na kojem se napokon možeš predati

and not have to take responsibility for everything?

bez preuzimanja odgovornosti za sve?

Je li to mjesto gdje možeš izraziti svoje djetinjaste želje?

Is it a place where you can express your infantile wishes?

Što se ondje ispoljava? To je jezik.

What comes out there? It's a language.

It isn't just a behavior.

To nije samo ponašanje.

And it's the poetic of that language that I'm interested in,

Mene zanima poetičnost tog jezika.

which is why I began to explore this concept of erotic intelligence.

Zbog toga sam počela istraživati koncept erotske inteligencije.

You know, animals have sex.

Znate, životinje imaju seks.

It's the pivot, it's biology, it's the natural instinct.

Oko toga se sve vrti, to je biologija, to je prirodni instinkt.

We are the only ones who have an erotic life,

Mi smo jedini koji imamo erotski život,

which means that it's sexuality transformed by the human imagination.

To znači da ljudska mašta preobražava seksualnost.

We are the only ones who can make love for hours,

Mi smo jedini koji satima možemo voditi ljubav,

have a blissful time, multiple orgasms,

osjećati se blaženo, doživljavati višestruke orgazme,

and touch nobody, just because we can imagine it.

a da nikog ne dodirnemo, jer sve to samo zamišljamo.

We can hint at it. We don't even have to do it.

Dovoljno je naslućivati. Ne moramo to uopće raditi.

We can experience that powerful thing called anticipation,

Možemo iskusiti onu snažnu stvar koja se zove iščekivanje,

which is a mortar to desire.

ona je građevni element žudnje,

The ability to imagine it, as if it's happening,

sposobnost da zamislimo nešto, kao da se stvarno događa,

da doživimo nešto kao da se stvarno događa, dok se u isto vrijeme

to experience it as if it's happening,

while nothing is happening

and everything is happening, at the same time.

i ništa ne događa, i sve se događa.

So when I began to think about eroticism,

Zato kad sam počela razmišljati o eroticizmu,

I began to think about the poetics of sex.

počela sam razmišljati o poetičnosti seksa,

And if I look at it as an intelligence,

pa ako na to gledam kao na inteligenciju,

then it's something that you cultivate.

onda je to nešto što razvijate.

What are the ingredients?

Koji su sastojci? Mašta, zaigranost,

Imagination, playfulness,

novelty, curiosity, mystery.

novine, znatiželja, tajanstvenost,

No, središnji je dio onaj koji nazivamo maštovitost.

But the central agent is really that piece called the imagination.

But more importantly, for me to begin to understand

No, još važnije, da bih počela uviđati

who are the couples who have an erotic spark,

koji su to parovi koji imaju iskru erotike,

what sustains desire,

što to održava žudnju, morala sam se vratiti

I had to go back to the original definition of eroticism,

izvornoj definiciji eroticizma,

the mystical definition,

mističnoj definiciji, i to sam napravila

and I went through it through a bifurcation

kroz razdvajanje, kroz promatranje traume,

by looking, actually, at trauma,

which is the other side.

koja je njeno naličje. Promatrala sam

And I looked at it,

looking at the community that I had grown up in,

zajednicu u kojoj sam odrastala,

which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors,

zajednicu u Belgiji, u kojoj su svi preživjeli Holokaust,

i u toj su zajednici bile dvije grupe ljudi:

and in my community, there were two groups:

those who didn't die, and those who came back to life.

oni koji nisu umrli i oni koji su se ponovno rodili.

And those who didn't die lived often very tethered to the ground,

Oni koji nisu umrli često su živjeli čvrsto prizemljeni,

could not experience pleasure, could not trust,

nisu mogli doživjeti užitak, povjerenje,

because when you're vigilant, worried, anxious, and insecure,

jer kad ste na oprezu, zabrinuti, napeti

i nesigurni, ne možete podići glavu

you can't lift your head to go and take off in space

i poletjeti u slobodan prostor, biti zaigrani, sigurni i maštoviti.

and be playful and safe and imaginative.

Those who came back to life

Oni koji su se ponovno rodili bili su oni

were those who understood the erotic as an antidote to death.

koji su doživljavali erotičnost kao protuotrov smrti.

They knew how to keep themselves alive.

Znali su kako da se održe živima.

And when I began to listen

Kad su mi parovi s kojima sam radila govorili o nedostatku seksa

to the sexlessness of the couples that I work with,

I sometimes would hear people say, "I want more sex,"

ponekad bih čula ljude da kažu: "Želim više seksa",

ali ljudi uglavnom žele bolji seks,

but generally, people want better sex,

and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness,

a "bolje" znači ponovno se povezati s onom kvalitetom životnosti,

of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality,

živosti, obnove, živahnosti, erosa, energije

of Eros, of energy

that sex used to afford them,

koje im je seks nekad donosio, ili koje su se nadali

or that they've hoped it would afford them.

da će im seks donijeti.

And so I began to ask a different question.

Onda sam počela postavljati drugačije pitanje.

Pitanje je počelo s: "Isključim se kad ..."

"I shut myself off when ..." began to be the question.

"I turn off my desires when ..."

"Svoju žudnju isključim kad ..." nije isto pitanje kao

Which is not the same question as,

"Moju žudnju gasi ..." ili "Ti me gasiš kad ..."

"What turns me off is ..." and "You turn me off when ..."

Pa su ljudi počinjali govoriti; "Ugasim se

And people began to say, "I turn myself off when

I feel dead inside, when I don't like my body,

kad se osjećam mrtvim iznutra, kad ne volim svoje tijelo,

kad se osjećam starim, kad nemam vremena za sebe,

when I feel old,

when I haven't had time for myself,

when I haven't had a chance to even check in with you,

kad nemam vremena da vidim što se događa s tobom,

when I don't perform well at work,

kad nisam uspješan na poslu,

when I feel low self esteem,

kad nemam samopoštovanja, kad imam osjećaj da ništa ne vrijedim,

when I don't have a sense of self-worth,

kad imam osjećaj da nemam pravo željeti, uzimati,

when I don't feel like I have a right to want, to take,

to receive pleasure."

dobivati užitak."

And then I began to ask the reverse question.

A onda sam počela postavljati obrnuto pitanje.

"I turn myself on when ..."

"Uzbudim se kad ...", jer najčešće

Because most of the time, people like to ask the question,

ljudi vole pitati: "Ti me uzbuđuješ kad ..."

"You turn me on, what turns me on,"

pa iz pitanja nestaje "JA". Razumijete?

and I'm out of the question, you know?

Now, if you are dead inside,

Jer, ako ste iznutra mrtvi, onaj drugi može za Valentinovo učiniti bilo što,

the other person can do a lot of things for Valentine's.

It won't make a dent. There is nobody at the reception desk.

ali to neće promijeniti baš ništa. Jer nema nikog na recepciji.

(Smijeh)

(Laughter)

So I turn myself on when,

Dakle, uzbudim se kad,

I turn on my desires, I wake up when ...

aktiviram svoju žudnju, probudim se kad...

Now, in this paradox between love and desire,

No, postoji paradoks između ljubavi i žudnje.

what seems to be so puzzling

Zbunjuje činjenica da isti sastojci

is that the very ingredients that nurture love --

koji hrane ljubav -- uzajamnost, recipročnost,

mutuality, reciprocity,

protection, worry, responsibility for the other --

zaštita, brižnost, odgovornost za drugoga --

are sometimes the very ingredients that stifle desire.

ponekad su isti oni sastojci koji guše žudnju.

Because desire comes with a host of feelings

Jer žudnja često dolazi s pregršt osjećaja

that are not always such favorites of love:

koji nisu uvijek miljenici ljubavi:

jealousy, possessiveness,

ljubomora, posesivnost, agresivnost, moć, dominacija,

aggression, power, dominance,

zločestoća, nestašnost.

naughtiness, mischief.

Basically most of us will get turned on at night by the very same things

U osnovi, većinu nas noću će uzbuditi iste one stvari

protiv kojih ćemo se buniti danju.

that we will demonstrate against during the day.

You know, the erotic mind is not very politically correct.

Erotičan mozak baš i nije politički korektan.

If everybody was fantasizing on a bed of roses,

Kad bismo svi maštali o krevetu prekrivenom ružinim laticama

we wouldn't be having such interesting talks about this.

ne bismo imali toliko zanimljivih razgovora o ovoj temi.

(Laughter)

But no, in our mind up there are a host of things going on

Ali ne, u našem umu

događa se pregršt stvari za koje ni ne znamo

that we don't always know how to bring to the person that we love,

kako da ih kažemo osobi koju volimo,

because we think love comes with selflessness

jer mislimo da je ljubav nesebična,

and in fact desire comes with a certain amount of selfishness

ali žudnja zapravo dolazi s određenom dozom sebičnosti,

in the best sense of the word:

u najboljem smislu te riječi:

the ability to stay connected to one's self in the presence of another.

sposobnost da ostanemo povezani sa svojom biti

u prisustvu drugih ljudi.

So I want to draw that little image for you,

Sad bih vam htjela pokazati na primjeru,

because this need to reconcile these two sets of needs,

jer mi se rađamo s težnjom

we are born with that.

da pomirimo te dvije grupe potreba,

Our need for connection, our need for separateness,

potrebu za povezivanjem, potrebu za odvojenošću,

or our need for security and adventure,

odnosno potrebu za sigurnošću i potrebu za avanturom,

or our need for togetherness and for autonomy,

potrebu za zajedništvom i za samostalnošću.

Ako zamislite dijete koje vam sjedi u krilu,

and if you think about the little kid who sits on your lap

koje se udobno smjestilo, vrlo sigurno i udobno,

and who is cozily nested here and very secure and comfortable,

and at some point all of us need to go out into the world

i onda u jednom trenutku svatko od nas ima potrebu otići u svijet,

to discover and to explore.

otkrivati i istraživati.

That's the beginning of desire,

To je početak žudnje,

that exploratory need, curiosity, discovery.

istraživanje treba znatiželju, otkrića,

I onda se ta djeca u jednom trenutku okrenu prema vama,

And then at some point they turn around and they look at you.

i ako im kažete:

And if you tell them,

"Hey kiddo, the world's a great place.

"Hej, klinci, svijet je super mjesto. Krenite.

Go for it. There's so much fun out there,"

Čeka vas toliko zabave",

then they can turn away and they can experience

oni mogu otići i istovremeno

connection and separateness at the same time.

Iskusiti i povezanost i odvojenost.

They can go off in their imagination, off in their body,

Mogu otići iživjeti maštu, tjelesnost,

off in their playfulness,

zaigranost, cijelo vrijeme znajući

all the while knowing that there's somebody when they come back.

da ih netko čeka kad se vrate.

But if on this side there is somebody who says,

No, ako je s ove strane netko tko kaže:

"I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm depressed.

"Ja sam zabrinut. Ja sam napet. Ja sam deprimiran.

My partner hasn't taken care of me in so long.

Moj se partner već dugo ne brine za mene.

Što je tako važno negdje drugdje? Zar nemamo

What's so good out there?

Don't we have everything you need together, you and I?"

sve što nam treba ovdje, zajedno?"

then there are a few little reactions

Ima nekoliko reakcija na to,

that all of us can pretty much recognize.

koje svi mi dobro poznajemo.

Some of us will come back,

Neki od nas će se vratiti, vratili smo se odavno.

came back a long time ago,

and that little child who comes back

Ono malo dijete koje se vrati

is the child who will forgo a part of himself

dijete je koje će se odreći dijela sebe

kako ne bi izgubilo onog drugoga.

in order not to lose the other.

I will lose my freedom in order not to lose connection.

Izgubit ću svoju slobodu kako ne bih izgubio povezanost.

And I will learn to love in a certain way

I naučit ću voljeti na način

opterećen dodatnom zabrinutošću,

that will become burdened with extra worry

and extra responsibility and extra protection,

dodatnom odgovornošću i dodatnom zaštitom,

and I won't know how to leave you

i neću znati kako da te ostavim

in order to go play, in order to go experience pleasure,

da bih se išao igrati, da bih osjetio užitak,

in order to discover, to enter inside myself.

da bih otkrivao, da bih ušao u samog sebe.

Translate this into adult language.

Prevedimo to na jezik odraslih.

It starts very young.

Počinje dok smo vrlo mladi i nastavlja se

It continues into our sex lives up to the end.

kroz naš seksualni život do samoga kraja.

Child number two comes back

Drugo dijete se vraća,

but looks like that over their shoulder all the time.

ali se stalno osvrće preko ramena.

"Are you going to be there?

"Hoćeš li me čekati?

Are you going to curse me, scold me?

Hoćeš li me psovati? Hoćeš li me grditi?

Are you going to be angry with me?"

Hoćeš li se ljutiti na mene?"

And they may be gone, but they're never really away.

Oni možda i odu, ali nikad nisu stvarno otišli,

And those are often the people that will tell you,

i to su oni koji će vam često reći:

"Na početku je bilo sjajno."

"In the beginning, it was super hot."

Because in the beginning,

Jer na početku sve veća intimnost

the growing intimacy wasn't yet so strong

još nije bila toliko jaka

that it actually led to the decrease of desire.

da smanji žudnju.

The more connected I became, the more responsible I felt,

Što sam se povezanijom osjećala, to sam se više odgovornom osjećala,

the less I was able to let go in your presence.

to sam se teže mogla opustiti u tvojoj prisutnosti.

The third child doesn't really come back.

Treće se dijete zapravo ne vraća.

So what happens, if you want to sustain desire,

Dakle, što treba učiniti da bi se održala žudnja?

it's that real dialectic piece.

To je dijalektični dio.

On the one hand you want the security in order to be able to go.

S jedne strane, želite sigurnost da biste mogli otići.

On the other hand if you can't go, you can't have pleasure,

S druge strane, ako ne možete otići, ne možete uživati,

you can't culminate, you don't have an orgasm,

ne možete doći do vrhunca, ne možete doživjeti orgazam,

you don't get excited because you spend your time

ne možete se uzbuditi jer vrijeme provodite

in the body and the head of the other and not in your own.

u tijelu i umu onog drugog, a ne u vlastitome.

So in this dilemma about reconciling these two sets of fundamental needs,

Dakle, u dilemi oko pomirenja

ovih dviju grupa temeljnih potreba,

there are a few things that I've come to understand erotic couples do.

uvidjela sam nekoliko stvari koje rade erotični parovi.

One, they have a lot of sexual privacy.

Prvo, imaju mnogo seksualne privatnosti.

They understand that there is an erotic space

Razumiju da postoji erotični prostor

that belongs to each of them.

koji pripada svakome od njih zasebno.

They also understand that foreplay is not something you do

Također razumiju da predigra nije nešto što radite

five minutes before the real thing.

pet minuta prije "prave stvari".

Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm.

Predigra manje-više počinje odmah nakon prethodnog orgazma.

Također razumiju da erotični prostor

They also understand that an erotic space isn't about,

you begin to stroke the other.

nije mjesto na kojemu počnete maziti jedno drugo.

It's about you create a space where you leave Management Inc.,

To je stvaranje prostora bez kočnica

maybe where you leave the Agile program --

gdje napuštate ambiciozan program.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Ulazite u prostor u kojemu

And you actually just enter that place where you stop being the good citizen

prestajete biti uzoran građanin

who is taking care of things and being responsible.

koji brine za stvari i odgovoran je.

Responsibility and desire just butt heads.

Odgovornost i žudnja se ne slažu .

They don't really do well together.

Ne idu skupa.

Erotic couples also understand that passion waxes and wanes.

Erotični parovi također razumiju da strast sjaji i blijedi.

It's pretty much like the moon.

Prilično sliči mjesecu: ima naizmjenična pomračenja.

It has intermittent eclipses.

But what they know is they know how to resurrect it.

Ali oni je znaju i oživjeti.

They know how to bring it back.

Znaju kako je vratiti.

And they know how to bring it back

A znaju kako je vratiti

jer su demistificirali jedan velik mit:

because they have demystified one big myth,

which is the myth of spontaneity,

mit o spontanosti,

which is that it's just going to fall from heaven

ideju da će im strast pasti iz vedra neba, dok glačaju rublje,

while you're folding the laundry like a deus ex machina,

kao duh iz boce, i oni zapravo razumiju

and in fact they understood

da što god se samo tako može dogoditi,

that whatever is going to just happen in a long-term relationship, already has.

u dugotrajnoj se vezi već dogodilo.

Committed sex is premeditated sex.

Seks u trajnoj vezi uvijek je seks s predumišljajem.

Promišljen je. Namjeran je.

It's willful. It's intentional.

Tajna je u usredotočenosti i prisutnosti.

It's focus and presence.

Sretno Valentinovo.

Merry Valentine's.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)