The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Esther Perel | TED

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Translator: Òscar Aznar Alemany Reviewer: Sujin Byeon

Per què sovint s'acaba el bon sexe

So, why does good sex so often fade,

tot i que la parella s'estimi tant com sempre?

even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever?

And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex,

Per què una relació íntima no garanteix bon sexe,

contrary to popular belief?

en contra del que se sol pensar?

Or, the next question would be,

I la següent pregunta:

can we want what we already have?

Podem desitjar el que ja tenim?

That's the million-dollar question, right?

És la pregunta del milió, no?

And why is the forbidden so erotic?

Per què la prohibició és tan eròtica?

What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent?

Què té la transgressió que fa el desig tan potent?

And why does sex make babies,

Per què el sexe fa nadons

and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?

i aquests destrossen l'erotisme en la parella?

(Laughter)

It's kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn't it?

És un cop fatal per a l'erotisme, no?

And when you love, how does it feel?

I quan s'estima, què se sent?

And when you desire, how is it different?

I quan es desitja, què té de diferent?

These are some of the questions

Aquestes són algunes

that are at the center of my exploration on the nature of erotic desire

de les preguntes centrals del meu estudi

sobre la natura del desig eròtic

and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love.

i els seus dilemes en l'amor modern.

So I travel the globe,

Viatjant pel món

and what I'm noticing is that everywhere where romanticism has entered,

he notat que

quan arriba el romanticisme

there seems to be a crisis of desire.

sembla que hi ha una crisi del desig.

A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting --

Una crisi del desig per ja tenir el que es vol;

desire as an expression of our individuality,

desig com a expressió de la individualitat,

of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity --

de la lliure elecció, de les preferències, de la identitat;

desire that has become a central concept

desig que ha esdevingut un concepte central

as part of modern love and individualistic societies.

com a part de l'amor modern i de les societats individualistes.

You know, this is the first time in the history of humankind

És la primera vegada en la història

where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term

en què intentem experimentar la sexualitat a llarg termini,

no perquè vulguem 14 nens,

not because we want 14 children,

for which we need to have even more because many of them won't make it,

que llavors ho hauríem de fer més per aconseguir-los,

and not because it is exclusively a woman's marital duty.

i no perquè és un deure conjugal de la dona.

This is the first time that we want sex over time

És el primer cop que volem el sexe

pel plaer i la connexió que deriven del desig.

about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire.

So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult?

Però què manté el desig i per què és tan difícil?

And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship,

I la base de mantenir el desig en una relació

I think, is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs.

és conciliar dues necessitats fonamentals.

On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability,

D'una banda, la necesitat de seguretat, de predictibilitat,

for safety, for dependability,

de dependença, de confiança, de permanència...

for reliability, for permanence.

All these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives

tots aquests sentiments que ens fan

that we call home.

sentir com a casa.

But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women --

Però tant homes com dones també necessitem

for adventure, for novelty,

l'aventura, la novetat, el misteri, el risc, el perill,

for mystery, for risk, for danger,

for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise --

el desconegut, l'inesperat, la sorpresa...

you get the gist.

tot això... viatjar.

For journey, for travel.

So reconciling our need for security and our need for adventure

Conciliar la necessitat de seguretat

i la d'aventura en una relació,

into one relationship,

or what we today like to call a passionate marriage,

o el que avui s'anomena <i>matrimoni amb passió</i>,

used to be a contradiction in terms.

solia ser una contradicció.

Marriage was an economic institution

El matrimoni era una institució econòmica

en què tenies un compromís vitalici

in which you were given a partnership for life

in terms of children and social status

amb els nens, un estatus social,

and succession and companionship.

la successió i un company.

Ara volem que la parella ens doni tot això,

But now we want our partner to still give us all these things,

but in addition I want you to be my best friend

però que també sigui el nostre millor amic

and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot,

i el nostre confident i el nostre amant apassionat,

and we live twice as long.

i vivim el doble d'anys.

(Laughter)

(Riures)

Quan ens acostem a algú, li estem demanant

So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them

to give us what once an entire village used to provide.

que ens doni el que abans donava un poble sencer:

Give me belonging, give me identity,

Vull ser part d'una cosa, una identitat i continuïtat,

give me continuity,

but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one.

però vull transcendència i misteri i emocions tot alhora.

Give me comfort, give me edge.

Vull viure segura i al límit.

Give me novelty, give me familiarity.

Vull novetat i familiaritat.

Give me predictability, give me surprise.

Vull predictibilitat i sorpresa.

And we think it's a given,

I ho donem per fet i creiem que les joguines i la llenceria ens salvaran.

and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.

(Laughter)

(Aplaudiments)

(Applause)

Ara veiem la realitat existencial de la història, oi?

So now we get to the existential reality of the story, right?

Because I think, in some way --

Perquè crec -i després tornaré a aquest punt-

and I'll come back to that --

but the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination.

que la crisi del desig és una crisi de la imaginació.

So why does good sex so often fade?

Per què el bon sexe s'acaba perdent?

What is the relationship between love and desire?

Quina és la relació entre l'amor i el desig?

How do they relate, and how do they conflict?

Com es relacionen i com entren en conflicte?

Aquí rau el misteri de l'erotisme.

Because therein lies the mystery of eroticism.

So if there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it's "to have."

Si hi ha un verb associat a l'amor, és <i>tenir</i>.

And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is "to want."

I si hi ha un verb associat al desig, és <i>voler</i>.

In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved.

En l'amor volem tenir i volem conèixer l'estimat.

We want to minimize the distance.

Volem minimitzar la distància, aproximar-nos-hi.

We want to contract that gap.

We want to neutralize the tensions.

Volem eliminar les tensions. Volem proximitat.

We want closeness.

Però en el desig no volem tornar als llocs on ja hem estat.

But in desire,

we tend to not really want to go back to the places we've already gone.

Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest.

El desenllaç previsible no és atractiu.

In desire, we want an Other,

En el desig volem algú altre, algú a visitar a l'altre costat,

somebody on the other side that we can go visit,

amb qui puguem passar un temps,

that we can go spend some time with,

that we can go see what goes on in their red-light district.

que puguem tafanejar el seu districte vermell.

You know?

En el desig volem un pont a creuar.

In desire, we want a bridge to cross.

Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air.

En altres paraules, el foc necessita aire.

Desire needs space.

El desig vol espai.

And when it's said like that, it's often quite abstract.

Quan es diu així, pot sonar abstracte.

But then I took a question with me.

I vaig agafar la meva pregunta

And I've gone to more than 20 countries in the last few years

i he visitat més de 20 països en els últims anys

amb el meu llibre sobre relacions preguntant:

with "Mating in Captivity," and I asked people,

when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?

"Quan sents que la teva parella t'atrau més?"

Not attracted sexually, per Se, but most drawn.

No l'atracció sexual, sinó en general.

And across culture, across religion, and across gender -- except for one --

I en diferents cultures, religions i gèneres

algunes respostes es repeteixen sempre.

there are a few answers that just keep coming back.

El primer grup és: M'atrau més quan no hi és,

So the first group is:

I am most drawn to my partner when she is away,

quan estem separats, quan ens retrobem.

when we are apart, when we reunite.

Basically, when I get back in touch

Això és quan recupero

with my ability to imagine myself with my partner,

l'habilitat d'imaginar-me amb la parella,

when my imagination comes back in the picture,

quan la imaginació torna a tenir un paper

and when I can root it in absence and in longing,

a causa de l'absència i l'enyorança,

which is a major component of desire.

el component principal del desig.

But then the second group is even more interesting.

El segon grup és encara més interessant:

I am most drawn to my partner

La meva parella m'atrau més

when I see him in the studio,

quan el veig a l'estudi, a l'escenari,

when she is onstage,

when he is in his element,

en el seu element, quan fa una cosa que l'apassiona,

when she's doing something she's passionate about,

when I see him at a party and other people are really drawn to him,

quan altra gent s'interessa per ell en una festa,

when I see her hold court.

quan és el centre d'atenció.

Basically, when I look at my partner radiant and confident.

És a dir, quan el veig radiant i confiat,

Probably the biggest turn-on across the board.

probablement, el més atractiu de tots.

Radiant, as in self-sustaining.

Radiant perquè és autosuficient.

I look at this person -- by the way, in desire

Miro aquesta persona... Per cert, en el desig

people rarely talk about it, when we are blended into one,

quasi mai parlem així d'aprop,

a 5 cm. No sé quant és en polzades.

five centimeters from each other.

I don't know in inches how much that is.

But it's also not when the other person is that far apart

Però tampoc no és quan l'altre és tan lluny

that you no longer see them.

que ja no el veiem.

És quan miro la parella d'una distància còmoda,

It's when I'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance,

where this person that is already so familiar, so known,

quan ja m'és familiar i coneguda,

is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive.

que es torna misteriosa i evasiva per un moment.

And in this space between me and the other lies the erotic élan,

I en aquest espai intermedi rau l'impuls eròtic,

lies that movement toward the other.

aquest moviment cap a l'altre.

Because sometimes, as Proust says,

Perquè a vegades, com deia Proust,

mystery is not about traveling to new places,

el misteri no és viatjar a llocs nous,

but it's about looking with new eyes.

sinó mirar amb uns altres ulls.

And so, when I see my partner on his own or her own,

Per això, quan veig la parella a la seva,

doing something in which they are enveloped,

submergida en alguna activitat,

I look at this person and I momentarily get a shift in perception,

tinc un canvi de percepció en veure-la

and I stay open to the mysteries that are living right next to me.

i m'obro al misteri que tinc al davant.

And then, more importantly, in this description about the other

El més important és que en aquesta descripció

de l'altre o de mi mateixa -és el mateix-

or myself -- it's the same --

what is most interesting is that there is no neediness in desire.

no hi ha dependència en el desig.

Nobody needs anybody.

Ningú no necessita ningú.

There is no caretaking in desire.

No hi ha atencions en el desig.

Caretaking is mightily loving.

Les atencions enforteixen l'amor, però són un antiafrodisíac.

It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.

(Laughter)

I have yet to see somebody who is so turned on

Encara no he vist mai ningú excitat

by somebody who needs them.

per algú que el necessiti.

Wanting them is one thing.

Voler-lo és una cosa. Necessitar-lo destrempa

Needing them is a shot down

and women have known that forever,

i les dones sempre ho han sabut

perquè tot el que porti a ser pares

because anything that will bring up parenthood

will usually decrease the erotic charge.

disminuïrà la càrrega eròtica.

(Laughter)

For good reasons, right?

Per bons motius, no?

And then the third group of answers usually would be:

I el tercer grup de respostes eren del tipus:

when I'm surprised, when we laugh together,

quan em sorprèn, quan riem junts.

as somebody said to me in the office today,

Com algú ha dit avui a l'oficina,

when he's in his tux, so I said, you know,

quan va amb esmòquing.

Un esmòquing o botes de vaquer;

it's either the tux or the cowboy boots.

es tracta bàsicament de la novetat.

But basically it's when there is novelty.

But novelty isn't about new positions.

Però la novetat no són posicions noves o un repertori de tècniques.

It isn't a repertoire of techniques.

És: Quines parts de tu destaques?

Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out?

What parts of you are just being seen?

Quines parts són visibles?

Because in some way one could say sex isn't something you do, eh?

Perquè algú podria dir que el sexe

no és una cosa que es fa.

Sex is a place you go.

És un lloc on vas, un lloc on entres

It's a space you enter

inside yourself and with another, or others.

dins teu i amb un altre, o altres.

On aneu en el sexe?

So where do you go in sex?

What parts of you do you connect to?

Amb quines parts de vosaltres connecteu?

What do you seek to express there?

Què voleu expressar?

Hi ha lloc per a la unió trascendental i espiritual?

Is it a place for transcendence and spiritual union?

Is it a place for naughtiness and is it a place to be safely aggressive?

O és per ser dolent i agressiu, però segur?

Is it a place where you can finally surrender

És per poder-vos rendir

and not have to take responsibility for everything?

i poder oblidar les responsabilitats?

És quan podeu expressar els desitjos infantils?

Is it a place where you can express your infantile wishes?

Què hi passa? És un llenguatge,

What comes out there? It's a language.

It isn't just a behavior.

no només un comportament.

And it's the poetic of that language that I'm interested in,

I el que m'interessa d'aquest llenguatge és la poesia,

which is why I began to explore this concept of erotic intelligence.

per això em vaig posar a estudiar la intel·ligència eròtica.

You know, animals have sex.

Els animals tenen sexe.

It's the pivot, it's biology, it's the natural instinct.

És la base, és la biologia, és l'instint natural.

We are the only ones who have an erotic life,

Nosaltres som els únics amb erotisme,

which means that it's sexuality transformed by the human imagination.

la sexualitat tranformada per la imaginació humana.

We are the only ones who can make love for hours,

Som els únics que fem l'amor durant hores,

have a blissful time, multiple orgasms,

ho passem bé i tenim múltiples orgasmes

and touch nobody, just because we can imagine it.

sense tocar ningú, només amb la imaginació.

We can hint at it. We don't even have to do it.

Ni tan sols ens fa falta fer-ho.

We can experience that powerful thing called anticipation,

Gaudim del poder de predir i anticipar-nos,

which is a mortar to desire.

una gran arma del desig,

The ability to imagine it, as if it's happening,

l'habilitat d'imaginar com si passés,

de sentir-ho com si passés sense que passi,

to experience it as if it's happening,

while nothing is happening

and everything is happening, at the same time.

però mentre tot passa alhora.

So when I began to think about eroticism,

Al principi d'estudiar l'erotisme

I began to think about the poetics of sex.

pensava en la poètica del sexe,

And if I look at it as an intelligence,

i si ho considero com una intel·ligència,

then it's something that you cultivate.

és una cosa que es pot cultivar.

What are the ingredients?

Els ingredients? La imaginació, ser juganer,

Imagination, playfulness,

novelty, curiosity, mystery.

la novetat, la curiositat, el misteri.

Però l'agent central és la imaginació.

But the central agent is really that piece called the imagination.

But more importantly, for me to begin to understand

Però més important, per entendre

who are the couples who have an erotic spark,

quines parelles mantenen la guspira

what sustains desire,

i què manté el desig, vaig haver de tornar

I had to go back to the original definition of eroticism,

a la definició original de l'erotisme,

the mystical definition,

la definició mística. I vaig prendre

and I went through it through a bifurcation

un desviament passant primer pel trauma,

by looking, actually, at trauma,

which is the other side.

que és l'oposat. El vaig observar

And I looked at it,

looking at the community that I had grown up in,

mirant la comunitat en què vaig créixer,

which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors,

una comunitat belga, tots supervivents de l'Holocaust.

A la comunitat hi havia dos grups:

and in my community, there were two groups:

those who didn't die, and those who came back to life.

els que no van morir i els que van tornar a la vida.

And those who didn't die lived often very tethered to the ground,

Els que no van morir estaven molt limitats,

could not experience pleasure, could not trust,

no sentien plaer i desconfiaven.

because when you're vigilant, worried, anxious, and insecure,

Perquè quan estàs vigilant, preocupat, neguitós

i insegur, no pots aixecar el cap

you can't lift your head to go and take off in space

i enlairar-te i jugar, sentir-te segur i imaginar.

and be playful and safe and imaginative.

Those who came back to life

Els que van tornar a la vida

were those who understood the erotic as an antidote to death.

van entendre l'erotisme com l'antídot de la mort.

They knew how to keep themselves alive.

Sabien com mantenir-se vius.

And when I began to listen

I escoltant l'asexualitat de les parelles amb què treballo,

to the sexlessness of the couples that I work with,

I sometimes would hear people say, "I want more sex,"

alguns diuen: "Vull més sexe."

Però la gent normalment vol millor sexe,

but generally, people want better sex,

and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness,

i millor és per reconnectar amb sentir-se viu,

of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality,

amb vibrar, renovar-se, la vitalitat, amb Eros i l'energia

of Eros, of energy

that sex used to afford them,

que el sexe els permetia, o que esperaven

or that they've hoped it would afford them.

que els permetés.

And so I began to ask a different question.

I vaig canviar a una pregunta diferent.

"M'aïllo quan..." era la nova pregunta.

"I shut myself off when ..." began to be the question.

"I turn off my desires when ..."

"Desconnecto els desitjos quan..." que no és el mateix que

Which is not the same question as,

"Em desexcita que..." i "Tu em desexcites quan..."

"What turns me off is ..." and "You turn me off when ..."

I la gent deia: "M'aïllo quan em sento

And people began to say, "I turn myself off when

I feel dead inside, when I don't like my body,

mort per dins, quan no m'agrada el meu cos,

em sento vell, no tinc temps per a mi,

when I feel old,

when I haven't had time for myself,

when I haven't had a chance to even check in with you,

no he tingut l'oportunitat ni de parlar amb tu,

when I don't perform well at work,

tinc mals resultats a la feina,

when I feel low self esteem,

quan tinc poca autoestima, no em valoro gens,

when I don't have a sense of self-worth,

quan no sento que tinc el dret de voler, de tenir

when I don't feel like I have a right to want, to take,

to receive pleasure."

o de rebre plaer."

And then I began to ask the reverse question.

Llavors vaig invertir la pregunta.

"I turn myself on when ..."

"M'activo quan..." Perquè generalment

Because most of the time, people like to ask the question,

ens agrada preguntar "Tu m'excites quan..." o

"You turn me on, what turns me on,"

"El que m'excita és..." i jo no en formo part.

and I'm out of the question, you know?

Now, if you are dead inside,

Si tu no hi participes, l'altre pot fer moltes coses per Sant Valentí

the other person can do a lot of things for Valentine's.

It won't make a dent. There is nobody at the reception desk.

i no servirà de res. No hi ha ningú a recepció.

(Riures)

(Laughter)

So I turn myself on when,

Per tant, jo m'activo quan,

I turn on my desires, I wake up when ...

encenc els meus desitjos, em desperto quan...

Now, in this paradox between love and desire,

En la paradoxa entre amor i desig,

what seems to be so puzzling

sembla sorprenent que els ingredients

is that the very ingredients that nurture love --

de l'amor -bidirecionalitat, reciprocitat,

mutuality, reciprocity,

protection, worry, responsibility for the other --

protecció, preocupació, responsabilitat-

are sometimes the very ingredients that stifle desire.

són a vegades els que reprimeixen el desig.

Because desire comes with a host of feelings

El desig ve amb un grup de sentiments

that are not always such favorites of love:

que no són tan bons per a l'amor:

jealousy, possessiveness,

gelosia, possessió, agressivitat, poder, domini,

aggression, power, dominance,

atreviment, trapelleria.

naughtiness, mischief.

Basically most of us will get turned on at night by the very same things

De fet, la majoria ens excitarem de nit

per les coses contra les que ens manifestem de dia.

that we will demonstrate against during the day.

You know, the erotic mind is not very politically correct.

La ment eròtica no és gaire políticament correcta.

If everybody was fantasizing on a bed of roses,

Si tothom fantasiés amb un llit de roses,

we wouldn't be having such interesting talks about this.

no tindríem converses interessants sobre el tema.

(Laughter)

But no, in our mind up there are a host of things going on

No. En la nostra ment

hi passen moltes coses que no sempre sabem

that we don't always know how to bring to the person that we love,

exposar a la persona que estimem

because we think love comes with selflessness

perquè pensem que l'amor és altruista

and in fact desire comes with a certain amount of selfishness

i, de fet, el desig conté cert egoisme,

in the best sense of the word:

en el bon sentit de la paraula:

the ability to stay connected to one's self in the presence of another.

l'habilitat de connectar amb un mateix

en presència de l'altre.

So I want to draw that little image for you,

I us vull dibuixar aquesta imatge,

because this need to reconcile these two sets of needs,

perquè hem nascut amb la necessitat de conciliar

we are born with that.

aquests dos aspectes.

Our need for connection, our need for separateness,

La necessitat de connexió i d'espai,

or our need for security and adventure,

de seguretat i d'aventura,

or our need for togetherness and for autonomy,

d'estar junts i ser autònoms.

Si penseu en un nen que us seu a la falda

and if you think about the little kid who sits on your lap

càlidament, confiat, segur i còmode,

and who is cozily nested here and very secure and comfortable,

and at some point all of us need to go out into the world

algun dia tots hem de sortir al món

to discover and to explore.

a explorar i descobrir.

That's the beginning of desire,

Això és l'inici del desig:

that exploratory need, curiosity, discovery.

l'exploració, la curiositat, la descoberta.

Algun dia el nen es girarà, et mirarà

And then at some point they turn around and they look at you.

i si li dius

And if you tell them,

"Hey kiddo, the world's a great place.

"Ei, el món és un lloc genial. Vés.

Go for it. There's so much fun out there,"

T'ho passaràs molt bé.",

then they can turn away and they can experience

llavors podrà marxar i experimentar

connection and separateness at the same time.

la connexió i l'autonomia alhora.

They can go off in their imagination, off in their body,

Gaudirà de la imaginació, del seu cos

off in their playfulness,

i dels jocs, sempre sabent

all the while knowing that there's somebody when they come back.

que hi haurà algú quan torni.

But if on this side there is somebody who says,

Però si hi ha algú que diu

"I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm depressed.

"Estic preocupat, negitós i deprimit.

My partner hasn't taken care of me in so long.

La meva parella ja no té cura de mi.

Què hi ha allà a fora? No ho tenim tot

What's so good out there?

Don't we have everything you need together, you and I?"

estant junts tu i jo?",

then there are a few little reactions

hi ha algunes reaccions

that all of us can pretty much recognize.

que tots podem reconèixer.

Some of us will come back,

Alguns tornarem o vam tornar ja fa temps.

came back a long time ago,

and that little child who comes back

I aquest nen que torna

is the child who will forgo a part of himself

és el que renunciarà a una part d'ell mateix

per no perdre'n una altra.

in order not to lose the other.

I will lose my freedom in order not to lose connection.

Perdré la meva llibertat per no perdre la connexió.

And I will learn to love in a certain way

Aprendré a estimar d'una manera

carregada de preocupacions de més

that will become burdened with extra worry

and extra responsibility and extra protection,

i responsabilitat i protecció de més

and I won't know how to leave you

i no sabré com deixar-te

in order to go play, in order to go experience pleasure,

per sortir a jugar, per experimentar el plaer,

in order to discover, to enter inside myself.

per descobrir, per veure'm per dins.

Translate this into adult language.

Traduïm-ho al llenguatge adult.

It starts very young.

Comença de petit i continua en la vida sexual

It continues into our sex lives up to the end.

fins al final.

Child number two comes back

Un segon nen torna

but looks like that over their shoulder all the time.

però aquest et mira de dalt a baix.

"Are you going to be there?

"Et quedaràs aquí?

Are you going to curse me, scold me?

M'alliçonaràs? Em renyaràs?

Are you going to be angry with me?"

T'enfadaràs amb mi?"

And they may be gone, but they're never really away.

I potser no hi són, però mai no marxen del tot,

And those are often the people that will tell you,

i són els que sovint et diran

que al principi era molt excitant.

"In the beginning, it was super hot."

Because in the beginning,

Al principi, la intimitat creixent

the growing intimacy wasn't yet so strong

no era tan forta

that it actually led to the decrease of desire.

que pogués disminuir el desig.

The more connected I became, the more responsible I felt,

Com més em connectava, més responsable em sentia

the less I was able to let go in your presence.

i em cohibia més en la teva presència.

The third child doesn't really come back.

Un tercer nen no torna.

So what happens, if you want to sustain desire,

El que passa si vols mantenir el desig

it's that real dialectic piece.

és aquest equilibri.

On the one hand you want the security in order to be able to go.

D'una banda, vols seguretat per poder deixar-te anar.

On the other hand if you can't go, you can't have pleasure,

D'altra banda, si no pots marxar, no obtindràs plaer,

you can't culminate, you don't have an orgasm,

no podràs arribar a aconseguir un orgasme,

you don't get excited because you spend your time

no t'excitaràs perquè et centraràs constantment

in the body and the head of the other and not in your own.

en el cos i el cap de l'altre i no els teus propis.

So in this dilemma about reconciling these two sets of fundamental needs,

En aquest dilema de conciliar

els dos grups de necessitats fonamentals,

there are a few things that I've come to understand erotic couples do.

hi ha coses que he observat que les parelles eròtiques fan.

One, they have a lot of sexual privacy.

Tenen molta privacitat sexual.

They understand that there is an erotic space

Entenen que hi ha un espai eròtic

that belongs to each of them.

que és personal de cada u.

They also understand that foreplay is not something you do

També entenen que els preliminars no són només

five minutes before the real thing.

cinc minuts abans del plat fort.

Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm.

Els preliminars comencen just després de l'orgasme previ.

També entenen que l'espai eròtic

They also understand that an erotic space isn't about,

you begin to stroke the other.

no és acariciar l'altre.

It's about you create a space where you leave Management Inc.,

És crear un espai per desconnectar de la rutina,

maybe where you leave the Agile program --

de deixar de tocar les tecles amb avorrida inèrcia,

(Laughter)

(Riures)

i d'entrar en aquell lloc

And you actually just enter that place where you stop being the good citizen

on ja no ets un bon ciutadà

who is taking care of things and being responsible.

que té cura de coses i és responsable.

Responsibility and desire just butt heads.

La responsabilitat i el desig es repel·leixen.

They don't really do well together.

No funcionen bé junts.

Erotic couples also understand that passion waxes and wanes.

Les parelles eròtiques saben que la passió va i ve.

It's pretty much like the moon.

És com la lluna; té eclipsis intermitents.

It has intermittent eclipses.

But what they know is they know how to resurrect it.

Però també saben com ressucitar-la.

They know how to bring it back.

Saben fer-la tornar

And they know how to bring it back

i són capaços de fer-ho

perquè han desmitificat el gran mite,

because they have demystified one big myth,

which is the myth of spontaneity,

el mite de l'espontaneïtat, que diu

which is that it's just going to fall from heaven

que et caurà del cel mentre plegues la roba

while you're folding the laundry like a deus ex machina,

com una acció divina. Ells entenen

and in fact they understood

que el que pugui passar

that whatever is going to just happen in a long-term relationship, already has.

en una relació a llarg termini, ja ha passat.

Committed sex is premeditated sex.

El sexe en el compromís és premeditat.

És voluntari, intencionat.

It's willful. It's intentional.

És perserverança i presència.

It's focus and presence.

Feliç Sant Valentí.

Merry Valentine's.

(Applause)

(Aplaudiments)