Eve Ensler: Suddenly, my body

Prevodilac: Marija Milenovic Lektor: Ivana Gadjanski

For a long time,

Dugo vremena postojali smo

there was me, and my body.

ja i moje telo.

Me was composed of stories,

Mene su sačinjavale priče,

of cravings, of strivings,

nagoni, težnje,

of desires of the future.

želje o budućnosti.

Me was trying

Ja sam pokušavala da ne podlegnem

not to be an outcome of my violent past,

posledicama svoje prošlosti ispunjene nasiljem,

but the separation that had already occurred

ali je podeljenost na moje telo i mene,

between me and my body

koja se već bila javila,

was a pretty significant outcome.

bila prilično značajan ishod.

Me was always trying to become something, somebody.

Ja sam pokušavala da postanem nešto, neko.

Me only existed in the trying.

Ja sam postojala samo u pokušavanju.

My body was often in the way.

Moje telo bi se često našlo na putu.

Me was a floating head.

Ja sam bila plutajuća glava.

For years, I actually only wore hats.

Godinama sam nosila kape.

It was a way of keeping my head attached.

To je bio način da zadržim svoju glavu prikačenu.

It was a way of locating myself.

To je bio način samolociranja.

I worried that [if] I took my hat off

Brinula sam da ako bih skinula kapu

I wouldn't be here anymore.

ne bih više bila tu.

I actually had a therapist who once said to me,

Imala sam psihoterapeuta koji mi je jednom rekao:

"Eve, you've been coming here for two years,

"Iv, dolazite ovde dve godine i, iskreno,

and, to be honest, it never occurred to me that you had a body."

nikada mi nije palo na pamet da Vi imate i telo."

All this time I lived in the city

Sve to vreme sam živela u gradu

because, to be honest,

jer, da budem iskrena,

I was afraid of trees.

plašila sam se drveća.

I never had babies

Nikada nisam rodila dete

because heads cannot give birth.

jer glave ne mogu da rađaju.

Babies actually don't come out of your mouth.

Bebe ne izlaze iz usta.

As I had no reference point for my body,

Kako nisam imala referentnu tačku za svoje telo,

I began to ask other women about their bodies --

počela sam da zapitkujem druge žene o njihovim telima,

in particular, their vaginas,

tačnije, o njihovim vaginama, jer sam

because I thought vaginas were kind of important.

smatrala da su vagine prilično važne.

This led to me writing "The Vagina Monologues,"

To je dovelo do pisanja "Vagininih monologa"

which led to me obsessively and incessantly

što je uzrokovalo da opsesivno i neprekidno

talking about vaginas everywhere I could.

govorim o vaginama gde god sam mogla.

I did this in front of many strangers.

Radila sam to pred puno nepoznatih.

One night on stage,

Jedne noći na pozornici sam

I actually entered my vagina.

zapravo ušla u svoju vaginu.

It was an ecstatic experience.

To je bilo neverovatno iskustvo.

It scared me, it energized me,

Uplašilo me je, ali mi i dalo energiju

and then I became a driven person,

i postala sam osoba sa ciljem,

a driven vagina.

vagina sa ciljem.

I began to see my body like a thing,

Počela sam da vidim svoje telo kao stvar,

a thing that could move fast,

stvar koja je mogla brzo da se kreće,

like a thing that could accomplish other things,

kao stvar koja je mogla da postigne druge stvari,

many things, all at once.

mnoge stvari, sve odjednom.

I began to see my body like an iPad or a car.

Počela sam da vidim svoje telo kao ajped (iPad) ili auto.

I would drive it and demand things from it.

Vozila bih ga i zahtevala da izvrši neku radnju.

It had no limits. It was invincible.

Granice nisu postojale. Bilo je nepobedivo.

It was to be conquered and mastered like the Earth herself.

Trebalo ga je osvojiti i zagospodariti njime,

I didn't heed it;

kao i sa Zemljom. Nisam ga negovala,

no, I organized it and I directed it.

ne, već organizovala i upravljala njime.

I didn't have patience for my body;

Nisam imala strpljenja za svoje telo,

I snapped it into shape.

Nabijala sam ga u određene okvire.

I was greedy.

Bila sam pohlepna. Uzimala sam

I took more than my body had to offer.

više nego što je moje telo moglo da pruži.

If I was tired, I drank more espressos.

Ako sam bila umorna, pila sam više kafe.

If I was afraid, I went to more dangerous places.

Kada sam bila uplašena, išla sam na strašnija mesta.

Oh sure, sure, I had moments of appreciation of my body,

O, naravno, naravno da je bilo trenutaka kada sam

the way an abusive parent

cenila svoje telo slično kao kada nasilni roditelj

can sometimes have a moment of kindness.

nekada bude pažljiv i nežan.

My father was really kind to me

Moj otac je zaista bio ljubazan prema meni

on my 16th birthday, for example.

za moj 16. rođendan, na primer.

I heard people murmur from time to time

Čula sam s vremena na vreme kako neki ljudi

that I should love my body,

mrmljaju o tome kako treba voleti svoje telo,

so I learned how to do this.

pa sam naučila kako da to radim.

I was a vegetarian, I was sober, I didn't smoke.

Bila sam vegeterijanac, trezna i nisam pušila.

But all that was just a more sophisticated way

Ali sve to je samo bio sofisticiraniji način

to manipulate my body --

manipulacije moga tela,

a further disassociation,

dalja disocijacija,

like planting a vegetable field on a freeway.

kao kad bi zasadili baštu na autoputu.

As a result of me talking so much about my vagina,

Kao rezultat tolikog mog pričanja o vagini,

many women started to tell me about theirs --

mnoge žene su počele da mi

their stories about their bodies.

pričaju o svojim telima

Actually, these stories compelled me around the world,

Zapravo, ove priče su me i odvele širom sveta

and I've been to over 60 countries.

i posetila sam više od 60 zemalja.

I heard thousands of stories,

Čula sam hiljade priča,

and I have to tell you, there was always this moment

i moram vam reći da je uvek postojao momenat

where the women shared with me

dok su te žene delile sa mnom svoje priče,

that particular moment when she separated from her body --

taj određeni momenat kada bi se ona otuđila

when she left home.

od svog tela, kada je napustila dom.

I heard about women being molested in their beds,

Čula sam o ženama koje su maltretirane u svojim krevetima,

flogged in their burqas,

šibane u svojim burkama,

left for dead in parking lots,

ostavljene da umru na parkinzima,

acid burned in their kitchens.

izgorene kiselinom u svojim kuhinjama.

Some women became quiet and disappeared.

Neke su se ućutale i nestale.

Other women became mad, driven machines like me.

Ostale su postale lude, mašine sa ciljem, kao ja.

In the middle of my traveling,

Sredinom mog putovanja,

I turned 40 and I began to hate my body,

napunila sam 40 godina i počela da mrzim svoje telo,

which was actually progress,

što je zapravo bio napredak jer je barem

because at least my body existed enough to hate it.

moje telo dovoljno postojalo da mogu da ga mrzim.

Well my stomach -- it was my stomach I hated.

Moj stomak, svoj stomak sam mrzela.

It was proof that I had not measured up,

To je bio dokaz da se nisam stesala, da sam bila

that I was old and not fabulous and not perfect

stara i da nisam bila fantastična i savršena i da se

or able to fit into the predetermined corporate image in shape.

nisam uklapala u opšte prihvaćene standarde.

My stomach was proof that I had failed,

Moj stomak je bio dokaz da nisam uspela,

that it had failed me, that it was broken.

da me je izneverilo, da se slomilo.

My life became about getting rid of it and obsessing about getting rid of it.

Moj život se sveo na otarasivanje viška i postala sam

In fact, it became so extreme

opsednuta time. Zapravo, postalo je toliko

I wrote a play about it.

ekstremno da sam napisala predstavu o tome.

But the more I talked about it,

Ali što sam više pričala o tome,

the more objectified and fragmented my body became.

sve više je moje telo postajalo objektivizirano i izdeljeno.

It became entertainment; it became a new kind of commodity,

Postalo je zabava, nova vrsta komoditeta,

something I was selling.

nešto što sam prodavala.

Then I went somewhere else.

Onda sam otišla negde drugde.

I went outside

Van onoga,

what I thought I knew.

što sam mislila da znam.

I went to the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Otišla sam u Demokratsku Republiku Kongo.

And I heard stories

I čula sam priče

that shattered all the other stories.

koje su poklopile sve druge.

I heard stories

Čula sam priče

that got inside my body.

koje su mi se uvukle pod kožu.

I heard about a little girl

Slušala sam o devojčici koja

who couldn't stop peeing on herself

nije mogla da prestana da piški po sebi

because so many grown soldiers

jer se previše odraslih vojnika

had shoved themselves inside her.

zarivalo u nju.

I heard an 80-year-old woman

Ženu od osamdeset godina, kojoj su noge

whose legs were broken and pulled out of her sockets

bile slomljene i izvučene iz zglobova i uvrnute

and twisted up on her head

naviše prema njenoj glavi, jer

as the soldiers raped her like that.

su je vojnici silovali tako.

There are thousands of these stories,

Ima hiljade ovakvih priča i mnoge

and many of the women had holes in their bodies --

od tih žena su imale rupe u svojim telima

holes, fistula --

rupe, fistule, koje su

that were the violation of war --

posledice ratova, rupe u materijalu

holes in the fabric of their souls.

od koga su sačinjene njihove duše.

These stories saturated my cells and nerves,

Ove priče su zaposele moje ćelije i nerve i,

and to be honest,

da budem iskrena,

I stopped sleeping for three years.

nisam spavala tri godine.

All the stories began to bleed together.

Sve te priče su počele da krvare zajedno.

The raping of the Earth,

Silovanje Zemlje,

the pillaging of minerals,

pljačkanje minerala,

the destruction of vaginas --

destrukcija vagina, ništa više

none of these were separate anymore

nije bilo odvojeno jedno od drugog,

from each other or me.

niti od mene.

Militias were raping six-month-old babies

Milicija je silovala šestomesečne bebe,

so that countries far away

da bi jako udaljene zemlje

could get access to gold and coltan

dobile pristup zlatu i tantalitu

for their iPhones and computers.

za njihove mobilne telefone i kompjutere.

My body had not only become a driven machine,

Moje telo nije postalo samo mašina sa ciljem,

but it was responsible now

nego se sada osećalo i odgovorno

for destroying other women's bodies

za uništavanje tela drugih žena u svojoj

in its mad quest to make more machines

suludoj pustolovini da napravi više mašina

to support the speed and efficiency of my machine.

da bi održalo sopstvenu brzinu i efikasnost.

Then I got cancer --

Onda sam dobila rak,

or I found out I had cancer.

ili sam saznala da imam rak.

It arrived like a speeding bird

To je tresnulo kao kad ptica u spustu

smashing into a windowpane.

udari u prozorsko staklo.

Suddenly, I had a body,

Odjednom, imala sam telo,

a body that was pricked

telo koje je bilo ubadano,

and poked and punctured,

probadano i bušeno,

a body that was cut wide open,

telo koje je bilo rasporeno, telo kome su

a body that had organs removed

uklanjali organe, transportovali ih

and transported and rearranged and reconstructed,

i ponovo raspoređivali i rekonstruisali,

a body that was scanned

telo koje je bilo skenirano,

and had tubes shoved down it,

i u koje su zarivane cevčice,

a body that was burning from chemicals.

telo koje je gorelo od hemikalija.

Cancer exploded

Kancer je srušio

the wall of my disconnection.

zid moje nepovezanosti.

I suddenly understood that the crisis in my body

Naprasno sam shvatila da je kriza u mome telu

was the crisis in the world,

bila kriza sveta,

and it wasn't happening later,

i da se neće desiti kasnije,

it was happening now.

već sada.

Suddenly, my cancer was a cancer that was everywhere,

Odjednom je moj rak bio rak svuda,

the cancer of cruelty, the cancer of greed,

kancer okrutnosti, pohlepe,

the cancer that gets inside people

rak koji se prikrade ljudima

who live down the streets from chemical plants -- and they're usually poor --

koji žive u blizini hemijskih fabrika, i koji su uglavnom

the cancer inside the coal miner's lungs,

siromašni, rak u plućima rudara,

the cancer of stress for not achieving enough,

rak od stresa zbog nedovoljno velikog uspeha,

the cancer of buried trauma,

rak potisnute traume,

the cancer in caged chickens and polluted fish,

kancer pilića u kavezima i zagađene ribe,

the cancer in women's uteruses from being raped,

rak u ženskim uterusima od silovanja,

the cancer that is everywhere from our carelessness.

kancer koji je svuda zbog naše nepažnje.

In his new and visionary book,

U svojoj novoj, vizionarskoj knjizi,

"New Self, New World,"

"Novo ja, nov svet",

the writer Philip Shepherd says,

pisac Filip Šepard kaže:

"If you are divided from your body,

"Ako ste odvojeni od svoga tela,

you are also divided from the body of the world,

takođe ste odvojeni i od tela celog sveta,

which then appears to be other than you

koje se tada čini da nije isto,

or separate from you,

da je odvojeno od vas

rather than the living continuum

umesto da bude jedinstvo života

to which you belong."

kojem pripadate."

Before cancer,

Pre karcinoma,

the world was something other.

svet je bio nešto drugo.

It was as if I was living in a stagnant pool

Kao da sam živela u ustajaloj bari

and cancer dynamited the boulder

i rak je kao dinamitom razrušio pregrade

that was separating me from the larger sea.

koje su me odvajale od većeg mora.

Now I am swimming in it.

Sada plivam u njemu.

Now I lay down in the grass

Sada legnem na travu

and I rub my body in it,

i promeškoljim se na njoj

and I love the mud on my legs and feet.

i volim blato na mojim nogama.

Now I make a daily pilgrimage

Sada mi je svakodnevni zadatak

to visit a particular weeping willow by the Seine,

da posetim jednu žalosnu vrbu pokraj Sene

and I hunger for the green fields

i željna sam zelenih polja

in the bush outside Bukavu.

i žbunja van Bukava.

And when it rains hard rain,

I kada je pljusak

I scream and I run in circles.

ja vrištim i trčim u krugovma.

I know that everything is connected,

Znam da je sve povezano

and the scar that runs the length of my torso

i da je ožiljak po dužini mog torza

is the markings of the earthquake.

oznaka zemljotresa. I ja sam tamo

And I am there with the three million in the streets of Port-au-Prince.

sa tri miliona ljudi na ulicama Port-o- Prensa (glavni grad Haitija).

And the fire that burned in me

I vatra koja je gorela u meni

on day three through six of chemo

trećeg od šest dana hemoterapije

is the fire that is burning

je vatra koja gori

in the forests of the world.

u šumama sveta.

I know that the abscess

Znam da je apces

that grew around my wound after the operation,

koji se stvorio oko moje rane posle operacije,

the 16 ounces of puss,

pola kilograma mrtvih ćelija,

is the contaminated Gulf of Mexico,

kontaminirani Meksički zaliv.

and there were oil-drenched pelicans inside me

I u meni su bili pelikani natopljeni naftom

and dead floating fish.

i mrtva plutajuća riba. I kateteri

And the catheters they shoved into me without proper medication

koje su zabadali u mene bez odgovarajućih lekova

made me scream out

činili su da vrištim

the way the Earth cries out from the drilling.

kao što Zemlja vrišti od bušenja.

In my second chemo,

Tokom moje druge runde hemoterapije,

my mother got very sick

moja majka se veoma razbolela

and I went to see her.

i otišla sam da je posetim.

And in the name of connectedness,

I u ime povezanosti,

the only thing she wanted before she died

jedino što je želela pre nego što je umrla je

was to be brought home

da je dovedemo kući

by her beloved Gulf of Mexico.

pored njenog voljenog Meksičkog zaliva.

So we brought her home,

Zato smo je doveli kući

and I prayed that the oil wouldn't wash up on her beach

I molila sam se da nafta ne dođe do njene plaže

before she died.

pre nego što umre.

And gratefully, it didn't.

I na sreću, nije.

And she died quietly in her favorite place.

Umrla je mirno na svom omiljenom mestu.

And a few weeks later, I was in New Orleans,

Posle nekoliko nedelja bila sam u Nju Orleansu.

and this beautiful, spiritual friend

I jedna divna, produhovljena prijateljica

told me she wanted to do a healing for me.

mi je rekla da želi da mi uradi isceljenje.

And I was honored.

Bila sam počastvovana.

And I went to her house, and it was morning,

Otišla sam u njenu kuću, bilo je jutro

and the morning New Orleans sun was filtering through the curtains.

i jutarnje njuorleansko sunce se probijalo kroz zavese.

And my friend was preparing this big bowl,

Moja prijateljica je pripremala veliku činiju

and I said, "What is it?"

i ja sam pitala:"Šta je to?"

And she said, "It's for you.

Rekla mi je: "To je za tebe.

The flowers make it beautiful,

Cveće ga čini lepim,

and the honey makes it sweet."

a med slatkim."

And I said, "But what's the water part?"

A ja sam rekla:"Ali šta je onda voda?"

And in the name of connectedness,

I u ime povezanosti,

she said, "Oh, it's the Gulf of Mexico."

ona je odgovorila:"O, to je Meksički zaliv."

And I said, "Of course it is."

Uzvratila sam sa:"Naravno da jeste."

And the other women arrived and they sat in a circle,

Druge žene su stigle i sele u krug.

and Michaela bathed my head with the sacred water.

Mihaela mi je oprala glavu svetom vodom.

And she sang -- I mean her whole body sang.

I pevala je, mislim da je celo njeno telo pevalo.

And the other women sang

I ostale žene su pevale

and they prayed for me and my mother.

i molile se za mene i moju majku.

And as the warm Gulf washed over my naked head,

Dok se topli Zaliv slivao preko moje gole glave

I realized that it held

shvatila sam da je sadržao

the best and the worst of us.

najbolje i najgore u nama.

It was the greed and recklessness

Pohlepu i bezobzirnost

that led to the drilling explosion.

koje su dovele do bušotina i eksplozije.

It was all the lies that got told

Sve laži koje su servirane

before and after.

pre i kasnije.

It was the honey in the water that made it sweet,

Med koji je činio vodu slatkom,

it was the oil that made it sick.

nafta koja je zatrovala.

It was my head that was bald --

Moja glava je bila bez kose,

and comfortable now without a hat.

ali sada mi je bilo udobno bez šešira.

It was my whole self

Cela sam se topila

melting into Michaela's lap.

u Mihaelinom krilu.

It was the tears that were indistinguishable from the Gulf

Suze koje su bile neodvojive od Zaliva,

that were falling down my cheek.

slivale su se niz moje obraze.

It was finally being in my body.

Konačno sam bila u svome telu.

It was the sorrow

Tuzi je trebalo

that's taken so long.

toliko vremena.

It was finding my place

Pronalaženje svog mesta

and the huge responsibility

i ogromna odgovornost

that comes with connection.

koja dolazi sa povezanošću.

It was the continuing devastating war in the Congo

Nastavljao se razarajući rat u Kongu

and the indifference of the world.

i ravnodušnost sveta.

It was the Congolese women

Sada su se žene iz Konga

who are now rising up.

dizale na pobunu.

It was my mother leaving,

Moja majka je odlazila

just at the moment

baš u tom trenutku

that I was being born.

kada sam se ja rađala.

It was the realization

Uvidela sam

that I had come very close to dying --

da sam došla tako blizu smrti

in the same way that the Earth, our mother,

na isti način na koji Zemlja, naša majka,

is barely holding on,

visi o koncu,

in the same way that 75 percent of the planet

na isti način na koji se 75% planete

are hardly scraping by,

jedva drži,

in the same way

na isti način

that there is a recipe for survival.

po kome postoji recept za preživljavanje.

What I learned

Ono što sam naučila ima veze

is it has to do with attention and resources

sa pažnjom i izvorima

that everybody deserves.

koje svako zaslužuje.

It was advocating friends

Prijatelji koji se zalažu za Vas

and a doting sister.

i voljena sestra.

It was wise doctors and advanced medicine

Mudri lekari i napredna medicina

and surgeons who knew what to do with their hands.

i hirurzi koji su znali šta da rade svojim rukama.

It was underpaid and really loving nurses.

Nedovoljno plaćene i zaista ljubazne medicinske sestre.

It was magic healers and aromatic oils.

Magični isceljivači i aromatična ulja.

It was people who came with spells and rituals.

Ljudi koji su dolazili sa bajanjem i ritualima.

It was having a vision of the future

Vizija budućnosti

and something to fight for,

i nešto za šta se vredi boriti,

because I know this struggle isn't my own.

jer znam da borba nije samo moja.

It was a million prayers.

Milion molitvi.

It was a thousand hallelujahs

Hiljade aleluja

and a million oms.

i milion omova (uzvik u meditaciji).

It was a lot of anger,

Mnogo besa,

insane humor,

ludačkog humora,

a lot of attention, outrage.

mnogo pažnje, razjarenosti.

It was energy, love and joy.

Energija, ljubav i radost.

It was all these things.

Sve te stvari.

It was all these things.

Sve te stvari.

It was all these things

Sve te stvari

in the water, in the world, in my body.

u vodi, u svetu, u mom telu.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)